Stockings

Before Christmas, I mentioned I was going to spoil myself just because of ME and becaues I wanted to. Not because anyone told me to, or because it was what they wanted of me but just because hell, I am an adult and this is part of me I want to explore and want to feel and want to know and see how I react and just feel. So long I've been closed off to things because of what was expected of me or what I thought was my duty or what was "normal". Well blow it, now I know I've done my duty and now I am me and time to explore that.

The toenail polish, I tried before Christmas and loved how pretty it made me feel. Not feminine, this isn't about trying to be or appear to be feminine, just things which appeal to me and make me feel good and pretty or feel nice. This week, I received a pair of stockings. Just because I wanted to try them, wanted to see how they felt. Call it an experiment. An investment in just trying and seeing how it felt, a little spent now to see. They were fishnet stockings that linked up to a built in thong so it could all attach together. I tried them on for the first time, rolling them up my legs in the middle of the night after a terribly sleepless night... and they just felt so nice. It was strange, I wasn't sure what I expected but it just felt kind of natural. It really did. The sensation, the material, the tightness, just, *purr*. Its just a delight in the touch, the feel. I liked it... after the initial omg what am I doing, and just settling down into enjoying it for what it was, it was just... right. It also kinda looked a whole lot better than I thought it would, in fact, when I took some pictures to look at I really liked how I looked. Wearing them, the tightness, the feel, the way they moved as I did. I have to say... I've never felt so sexy before in my life. I felt so HUNGRY, so lithe, so sensual... *purrr* it was an amazing feeling.

I've always been kind of bothered by how indefinite my tastes were. I like a little of this, a little of that, a little of everything. I've never had that drive or passion for one thing that some people have. I react to others, things they say spark me off, but that huge drive and passion.. no. I always felt a little wishy-washy, and indefinite because of this. Someone recently described me as reactive, and that I need a container to fill like a fluid, adapting and changing to their needs. I like that so much better as a thought. Its all me, just.. different parts. I guess my passion is people. This follows though in my tastes. I am a pup yes, that is most undoubtedly true. I also like nice things, and textures, and touches, but nothing ever becomes all consuming, all distracting to the point of not enjoying other things. Thats a nice way to be, a little this, a little that, reacting to other people. So, I really liked that sensation, and its part of me I will pursue in little small (but very pretty) ways, but its just a part of me. I also just loved Mistresses reaction as I *SO* want to look pretty for her and I am really really pleased how much she liked it. Being dressed for her is just such an incredible feeling, as much as what you have on, be it ribbons or stockings or anything. Going all day and knowing she knows and is pleased with what I have on, and with me, and I am on her mind, is as (if not more) intense and fulfilling as the actual intensity and distraction of the item...


One thing that did really surprise me though. Afterwards, this weekend, when I went to wash them. I had to hand wash them because of the material. After the just balatant sensuality of wearing them, something I wanted. The act of washing them felt incredibly submissive. It brought me to such a humble soft quiet state of mind as I scrubbed them by hand. I really really had not expected that. That was ummmm very humbling.

I also ordered a corset this week! My first corset which she selected for me. You don't know HOW hyper i've been all week because of that! Its beautiful burgundy kid leather...

Detachment

Despite being helpful and supportive though... I need to keep my detachment, her medication caused her itchiness to get worse so she stopped it, but spent much of the night she said on the phone to NHS direct and is now going straight back to the doctors. I know how she reacts to stress and worry and how fixated she gets on things, and this is kind of my worry. Every little thing that happens, she will panic and react and things will stop. I know this is how we were when we were together. I need that kind of distance between us so I can help how I can but, she is her own person and my responsibility is the boy.

Priorities

The ex-to-be's appointment has come through now. Its on Mon 12th Feb and starts at 8.30am. She will be in all day for various tests, with various things being inserted in various places. Thats kind of a bitch in timing. I am going to be working that weekend (maybe) as they are performing a shutdown of one of our development sites and then bringing the servers back up again... As some of those servers have been up for over a 1000 days, even if the planned "test" reboot works, I suspect we will have problems so have been put on dedicated standby. If there are problems they may well carry over into the monday, with missing network routes, and other stuff which was done to the servers but not made permament because well.. of people not quite doing what they should.

My first thought was of oh god no thats awkward I really need to be at work but. No, blow it. I spent too much time while we were together getting my priorities wrong in a misconveived thought I was doing the right thing by providing for the family. So, I am going to tell my boss I need to work from her house that day so I can get her to the hospital and collect her and I will stay over night after her sedation to make sure she is ok. I'm planning to leave about 6am and drive back to home so I can then get the train into work on the Tuesday so she has someone there overnight. Hopefully I will make it to her house on the Sunday so she can have company while she ummm purges her system through the day as I am sure she will not be in exactly her best. Screw it, I made mistakes in my priorities while we were together, not any more. She is not my responsibility, but she is family and I will put the important things first.

Repurcussions

I must stop having odd weeks. Monday was quite a shock and I was very glad to be there and I could give her someone else to lean on and also to talk things through with the boy. I know it helped, she said she was talking about me at work on Tuesday (its always good to have a good press) and she was a lot more positive. The first shock and impact of the "what might happen" and the words "incurable" fell into the correct place when thinking of the timescales involved, the may never happens, the worst cases. That life carries on, that now these little things weren't just imagined but they have a name. That she will be monitored and just have an idea what happened. She was much more positive on the Tuesday and I know she will have bad days, when things get to her and so this comes out of the back of her mind, but thats just usual.

Tuesday however was the day I fell to pieces and wanted to cry all day. I guess the shock hit me after I stopped having to be a bright smiley encouraging face for them. It was the day of my performance review at work so I was not very enthused about that (which is ok, as my boss new what was going on), but I really just wanted to curl up for the day. 3hrs sleep didn't help, so I kind of dragged myself through the day until a quiet evening to finally just relax quietly and let go. I never cried though, it just settled somewhere in the back of my head.

Bad news

I don't really know how to write this post, so I guess just as it comes. This blog feels very much "I, I, I" which sounds bad as she is the one thats got this on her plate but, frankly... this is my blog and I've spent the evening being cheerful and encouraging for her and the boy so this is where I get to curl up and let it out, so I can keep doing that, can keep reminding myself why and how things as they are, so we can keep getting this right.

I'm glad I offered to go to the hospital with her. Sometimes its hard to know what the right thing to do is, you know? How far does one involve oneself without getting too involved? When is too much? When do you let someone handle things on their own. There are good reasons I'm single now. We were so wrong for each other. She is not a bad person and she is a good mother, but the relationship WAS abusive. Physically and emotionally abusive. She couldn't handle frustrations and that led to her anger and temper and that led to bad things. So, I'm always wary of when things are hard for her. Its taken me a long time to get where I am and stop repeating those things to myself long, long, after I left and so she stopped.

I can't get too involved or make the mistake of trying to make things better for her and then end up the target of it, then we would be back to where we were. Where we are is a much better face. Friends but, if she gets uptight we have that distance between us which means she has to handle it and cope on her own two feet and get through it. I can walk away. That sounds cold and hard and in a way it probably is, but I've seen how much better and stronger she is for having to do it. So I can encourage and support, provide practical assistance and show I care but... Damn thats hard, you know? When you just want to hold and cuddle and try and stop it hurting to badly. I know though the reason I can care so much now is because I've defrosted from how I was. So the middle ground we have to find.

So, we went to the hospital and I said I'd wait with the boy in the waiting room and not come in. A lot of me did want to go in with her, so someone else could hear what was said, say it back to her. Its very hard to hear everything when you are upset, hard to concentrate and know all that is said. On the other hand, I didn't want the boy to hear... and I wanted that "I'm here for you, when you need me" detachment. I felt pretty torn. The consultant was running an hour late so we had to wait, which made her more nervous. She came out fighting away tears so I knew it wasn't great news.

I could see she needed space to get what had been said a little more into her head, so after hugging her and letting her cry a little and making sure she knew she wasn't alone I offered to take them out to the pub for dinner. She was grateful, the boy was obviously worried about his mum and it gave her room to get a bit more composed while the boy chattered away to cover his edginess. I also knew she really wasn't in a state to go home and cook for them both.

When we got back to her place I put him in his bedroom to play for a little so she and I could talk over what the consultant had said. Apparently this showed up on her biopsy under my private healthcare ages ago, but they didn't bring it up... and had said she was doing fine. Now she is back under the NHS it showed up. I don't know the in's and out's and to be honest whats past is past and there is no point being bitter about it. In a way I think things happen for a reason and if we had of known then, I would probably have felt some stupid obligation and never have been able to leave. She and I and the boy are all SO much happier now how we are, that would have been a tragedy in itself. I am proud of how she has grown this last year and the things she has achived. So this is obviously the time to face this challenge, as we are now. Still and always a family, just one thats apart.

They've diagnosed her with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis a chronic liver disease. I know I'm going to be looking it up a lot to get the different descriptions and stories of people living with the disease. Not good news, but what I think threw her as much was when they talked about testing her for crohn's disease and osteoporosis too. I think it was just one thing on top of another. So she came out not sure quite how much was them suspecting those from her previous results, or because (crohn's for instance) go so hand in hand. The words ringing in her ears when she came out were the consultants words warning of the eventuality of liver failure and transplant. I am not surprised those were the words she clung to, it must have been one hell of a shock. Of course that may never happen... and even if it does it is a long term prospect. So we chatted about it, the tests, she was worried about the practicalities of me being around to look after the boy and get him to school when she has to go to hospital for those. It will be fine, we will sort something out. I made her laugh, made sure she knew she wasn't alone, encouraged her to stop thinking of the worst as thats a long long time away if ever, and then had to go have a chat with the little boy and try and explain what had happened. That wasn't easy, as he could see his mum was rattled. So I kept it light, honest. They had diagnosed a disease but as they didn't do anything for it then nothing had changed. It just gave it a name. They'd give her something for her itchy feet so we didn't have to worry she had flea's now (that got a laugh), and they were going to do some tests for some other stuff just to see if she had that, but still nothing was really going to change even if they found that too. He looked happier after.

She is in a much better place in herself to fight this than she was even 6 months ago. She will be ok in the ways that count, in how she deals with it hanging over her head. She will. That little boy means the world to her as he does to me. I know she'll think on that when the shock has settled a little. That will give her strength. Its going to be hard at times, but we'll get through. Always family.

Drama

The boy started drama classes yesterday, just an hour or so on a Sat morning. We quickly found out why he was allowed a place when they were so full.

They needed a boy! Yes, he is in a group of about 13 people and all the rest are little girls. He whispered to me confidentially afterwards that lots of them were quite pretty and they were so excited at having a boy finally.

They played games and then got into groups and made improvised drama's. The boy LOVES improv, he comes up with so many games at school it comes naturally to him. I am so proud of him and how well he handles himself in groups now. He still doesn't like rough boys and naturally gravitates to girls, but in a friendly group he has such confidence. He really has taken the best bits of his Mum and Dad :).

Cupcakes

Oh my! Despite our utter convinction that the boy and my first attempt at cupcakes form scratch together would end up as rock cakes, they came out yummy and I got the boys thumb of approval! Woohooo. Now, I just have to sit there and watch him eat them as I couldn't have more than just a first taste myself!

The ex and how not to handle frustration

When I got to the ex's (only a little late from my stopping) she was in tears. She had lost her sat nav car charger and had had to go get the boy from his new drama class and didn't know where it was. When I got there, she had all the cupboards out and she burst into tears. The boy was upstairs playing on his PC and talking to one of my friends whom I trust for him to hassle. I am glad actually, it gave him a way to get out of her way while she was in such a worked up mood. I gave her a cuddle as she cried and told her it was ok, and she let out her frustration too. She said she had ordered a new cable on ebay and hoped it was the right one, so I offered to check. One of the cables she actually ordered was wrong and that made her upset again. So, I emailed them and asked them to switch it for the right one so I hope thats all sorted.

This is a difference between us. She handles frustration by getting upset and bursting into tears and stopping. I kind of go quiet and try and just survive and get on no matter how much it hurts. I knew she needed a break and these things are easier to handle outside the house, so I took her and the boy to the local starbucks at the supermarket (as I needed some milk and things anyway) and bought her a latte, the boy a milk and me a chai tea. It helped her relax anyway away from the situation and she was happier when she left. It hadnt been a good day for her in all. She had received a letter saying her appeal for a breast reduction from the health services had been turned down. That on top of her parents going on holiday to Australia soon, losing the cable... worry. It had got too much for her.

Monday she has a hospital appointment about her liver problems and she is scared. She doesnt want to tell her parents in case they postponed their trip, or nagged her. I am staying over there tonight anyway as I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a checkup (and I think i have a hole, grrrr) and its still over near hers.... so what could i do? I of course offered to work from her house tomorrow so I could go with her to the hospital and sit with the boy, so she wasn't alone. It means driving home in the dark tomorrow night but, somethings you really just have to do.

The week that was

This is kind of out of order as its been a strange week. However, the second night at my ex's (Tues) was so much better. The boy was more relaxed, more settled how things were, which made her more at ease as she didn't react against it. I got busy and sorted out getting the TV aerial cabled into his bedroom, into the TV tuner card into his PC. After messing around I also managed to get the signal in her bedroom better too which generally put me in everyones good books.

The boy and I curled up for the evening watching half of how the Grinch stole Christmas and he went to bed on time without any grumbles. It was nice, but in hindsight it is very noticable just how much, even being there and enjoying being around "family", I kind of deliberately avoided being near her for too long. She and I get on so much better outside the confines of a single house. So, while Wednesday I found it really hard being alone again. No fear, I know I am better off away from her.

I was awake first in the morning and the boy came in wearing his pj's (no matter how grownup in the day they look, in pj's he looks so soft and cuddly and like my little boy again). He was rubbing his eyes and yawning and smiling and cuddled me curled up in the chair next to me and
it was all just perfect. I loved taking him to school again.

The next day, as shown... Was weird. The course finished early (it was a good course) and came home and it was nice to be home. I guess as I tired and unwound and the darker thoughts started to settle and I started to feel lonely, which led to the overnight thoughts. I am glad of the blog though. That did help. While I slept as badly as normal, it was good to be in work if more than a little stressful. Good to see some of the people anyway. Unfortunately, I had had work planned for all day (an upgrade, the only day it could be done in work hours) and that was on my mind the night before, as well as some politics going on. Well the politics went on and I got dragged in pointlessly which delayed me starting til 1pm. Since it had been planned all day I knew that I'd have to finish off at home which was annoying but ok. So I left the server patching when I left work, to pick up at home. When I got home and rebooted the server it then decided not to reboot. At that point I was very close to bursting into tears. I was tired (I think I'd been up since 5am again), things were not going well and I had a long long night ahead. A friend phoned and I was very short with her, well not nasty at her, just uncommunicative because I knew if i did let go I would just crumple in a heap and I had so much to get done that night, so much to get fixed. I know it was hard on her, it was obvious by how short my replies were and the tone of my voice how upset I was, but I couldnt say anything really as then I'd lose my grip on it and not be able to function. When I'm happy and up I tend to ramble, animatedly with lots of tone in my voice. When I'm not I am very quiet, terse, flat. So its kind of obvious. The same happens in my face I am told, from a big grin to nothing.

After that, I gave myself a little break talking online with another friend. That was a little easier, being words rather than voice, it let me dethrost a little, I could also concentrate on her and give myself that space I needed to let my tension dissipate. Its one thing I've learnt, if I am stressed or uptight the best thing for me is to be able to love someone else, it brings out a much nicer part of me, and brings me to that point I can put some of that back on myself (or can let others love me again). So if anyone out there thanks me for caring them... then NO, thank YOU for letting me love you. It makes me such a better person and I am very very grateful you let me. I need to be able to give love and affection, I can't survive without it.

I had the server back to the point I could actually start work by 9pm. I had the upgrade finished by midnight. I crawled into bed so tired but relieved.

Friday proved to be a really good day at work. I didn't exactly sleep well again, but I got to woke a little hyper manic, maybe from tiredness or maybe from relief. I had meetings on and off all day, but they were good ones... a new project which we were being involved with fairly early on and without the design teaming being present it meant we could raise our real operational issues without anyone getting in the way. It may also force the hand on some frustrations we have had with getting sponsorship for some upgrades in Solaris. It was a good day. It makes me wonder, as always, whats the difference between today days like that? One good, one awful. I don't like that see-sawing, there must be a balance. I did get to chat with my friend again though, and she was much relieved to hear me more lively.

That brings us upto Sat morning. Another restless night, waking every few hours. I woke up Sat and could have just stayed and napped, I was so tired. But, no time... had to get the house tidied and then go get the boy, so a 90mile round trip. I got myself fairly quickly frustrated and groused at Mistress about it. Tired so don't want to do anything, but have the boy and want to make the most of it. Want to be quiet, but don't want to waste the time with him. I feel guilty, and frustrated. She made me breathe and take a step back and I went to get him if not happy, at least calmer as I knew I was on the edge of getting myself down. I had got about 5 miles into the drive when I stopped the car and left a message saying I was going to go see the Doctors next week about my sleeping. Its been the whole of winter now that I've not slept properly. I mean I never slept that well before if I was stressed or upset, but for all of winter... well i can't think of one night I've slept through. Its either been waking at 4am and not back to sleep (or earlier) or waking every 2 hrs and being awake a little then nap, then wake, and nap. Never rested the next day. With the boy at weekends, there is no chance to lay in really... so it catches up with me. I know so many can't sleep, and I so sympathise with you. Without naps as well... I get weary, lose energy, get frustrated, find things harder to handle, get overwhelmed, start looking at the negative not positive, lose interest in things. Then I get ill, lose my appetite and its a vicious circle. So I am going to make an appointment with the doctor. Last night for instance i must have woken about 5 times and had a nightmare too. I was in bed a long time, and i guess slept a fair chunk but, do I feel rested? No.

So, I will go to the doctors which is like a last resort to me as I have a real issue with them after trying to get help with my ex's depression for five years. Why did I stop the car and tell her then and there? Well it means I can't chicken out or change my mind or make excuses now. I will go, despite disliking them and distrusting them. That left me feeling a lot more positive for the day, as I'd made a choice. I was glad of that, so very very glad considering what state my ex was in when I got there.

Good night

Back home again. Two nights of being with the boy, two nights of coming home almost to a family again.

Tonight it feels a struggle. I went to bed early, lay there and started thinking dark thoughts. Thoughts that are coming from the missing him, from missing being around family, from knowing my parents are now 5000 miles away in Arizona for three months, from feeling suddenly lost again. Thoughts of the day at work tomorrow that I already know from checking my work email is going to be a nightmare after the three days away, and the tension I can feel in my back at just the thought of it. I know in my head this is coming from all those mixed up feelings of the transition again to being here on my own, from worry, from lonliness, from all these things. I know its Thurs tomorrow, so only two more days before I have him again. I know that in my head, but I can't feel that at the moment so those dark thoughts come out. All the so very not nice things I say to myself. The ones that make me want to shrug and just give up because there is really no point trying to be any different and to slink away into a hole. The ones that hurt so badly inside.

So what do I do? I blog. I get out of bed and I blog. I get my ass out of that little stupour, those nasty little words that just started going round my head and I blog. I sit and write down whats in my head so I can go back and sleep and leave them here as I don't need those feelings, I don't want them.

So here they are and here they will stay, and back to bed with this one. Good night, I hope.

Sleepless somewhere else

Well, made it through the day though it was a struggle at times to keep concentrating. I woke up at 2am with my sinuses hurting and that was basically it for the night. Fortunately some wonderful people are up at my silly times of the night thank heavens for once for timezones and my love of Americans. I was sent to work this morning smiling and happy and relaxed and tried to take that spirit into the day despite being so tired.

I tried to take that new found determination into the day, despite the whole off-balance feeling and tried to take the bull by the horns in one situation thats been bothering me about the house. I've made my point clearly now, what happens next is out my hands.

So feeling more than slightly tired, definitely snotty and bunged up I attended the first day of this 3 day course. DTrace, a dynamic tracing tool for Solaris. I have to say its an amazingly cool tool and the possibilities are endless, it will really change how we do some things when we finally get Solaris 10 rolled out. For once we will really know what the machines are doing. Maybe it insulated my mind from it being so tired! It was a struggle after the lovely lunch though. The first time i've had meatloaf! God knows how much has gone into my fuzzy head though.

Tonight has been a challenge. I'm staying at the ex's and the boy has been understandably unsettled. I know he finds it hard how to handle this and just gets grousy and then won't settle and won't go to bed. Poor little bugger. His mum takes it personally though and gets uptight and upset. I am wondering if agreeing to stay was a good move or not, but I know I wouldn't have wanted to face that drive in the dark feeling like this. We will get by.

Pride

We had a very strange leaving event this work at week. A guy in our team was leaving (and he has always been very unlucky, so there was the normal teasing about what might go wrong). It was all a little odd, and he kept not being in the office in the week upto going and was very coy as to what was happening.

His job was in europe so we bought him a travel guide as part of his leaving present. When we went to hand it to him we were told he wasnt going there at all, the contract had fallen through and at the last minute he had had to take another one in the UK. It was all kind of uncomfortable and no one knew what to say.

It made me think. He had obviously know this might happen for a week or two. What would I have done in that situation? Would I have told everyone? Would I have kept quiet? Would I have asked for my old job back? Would I have burnt my bridges too much to go back? Would I be too proud.

I think I've never burnt bridges behind me though, this industry is too small and it would bite you in the bum when you ran into those people again. It made me think though, how much do I let pride stop me from doing or saying?

Colds

At least I know why I was so weary last week and why my skin decided to start playing 3rd world war on my face. The cold has bit in and after a few days with a sore throat I am all sinusy, coughy, achy and all the other delights. No, its not "Man-flu", its just a cold and annoying it is too. I hope it doesnt hang around same as last time and eat away at my energy for ages.

The thing I dislike most, and its something I have recognised this time and not before, is how it effects me mentally. Apart from the lack of energy and apathy, I get very uptight, very nervy, very uncomfortable and a little frantic without knowing why. I worry over things terribly and things blow out of proportion. Things I would just take in my stride suddenly seem unsummountable. I feel kind of needy and clingy which I dislike intensely as I feel I am bothering people.

Today was an example, my ex phoned up in tears as she thought something had happened to her dad. It turned out to be a miscommunication from her sister panicking her. There is also an ongoing situation regarding a friend doing something which isn't my problem but involves me. I feel pressured and not sure how to handle the situation as it involves standing upto them, something which is hard when I feel so out of sorts, so I am kind of ignoring it for a few days while I go on a course. I want to write so much more, but my lack of energy makes it frustrating the words won't come out.

On the brighter side, I recognise where these feelings are coming from for once and refuse to let them set me off into a cycle of depression. I won't I won't I won't I tell you.

Perspective

A very very wise friend said this to me tonight.

"Over the decades, I've discovered there aren't very many human characteristics that are intrinsically bad. There are only those that aren't used in the right place at the right time, or those that are used to take advantage or used for personal gain."

This floored me, it was so true and such a different perspective on the bits of me I've always considered as flaws.

Nudge nudge, wink wink

The boy has been a big manic this week with his new PC. It was to be expected, a new toy, new things to do, new people to talk to, new ways to do it. We set it up last week and got it all connected and raring to go and then he got a little over excited. He is set up with a limited amount of family on his IM's and he started to bomb us all with buzzes and winks and emoticons as soon as he saw anyone online. It was kinda cute in a this gets very old fast and a pain in the ass kind of way. After we'd talked on voice for a little and played games, he kept on and on buzzing and winking at people so we had to start setting rules. Only talk if you ask Mum first (as its at her house, so he rrules). Then when he still hassled people, no winks and nudges. Then the hard night... We agreed a time he would call me and he would play but he ignored that so we had to ground him for the first time. That was hard. Discipline is necessary but its really hard to do when I don't get much chance to be with him, and you almost feel guilty for saying "no" when all they want to do is spend more time with you. Its the time with his Mum though, and he has homework to do, time with her, playtime and we want the computer to just be part of that. So he was grounded that night and no PC time for breaking the rules.

We had a big chat about it Saturday, I explained how I am busy, I get tired from work, I need time to unwind from work. I need to eat, so I can't just be there all the time. So we came to an arrangement, Tues-Fri he can call and play games for 30mins about 7.30pm and then he can get ready for bed and relax. That gives me Mondays in peace as I am normally most tired then. Settings rules seems so hard from so far but its good when we work out a sensible compromise between us, bodes well for the future.

Dreams

The boy made us a lovely Christmas present at his beavers/cubs. This dream catcher. It brought back fond memories as a friend from the USA sent us one as a wedding present. Seeing the one the boy made up on my ex's wall felt good, kind of like going back full circle but differently. Things changed after those 10 years but they have ended up in a much better place. When I see that up on the wall, I think of the times we went round and round in circles until we finally broke free and found a new way.

Weary weeks

This week has been tiring so far. After the long Christmas break getting back into the swing of 6am starts, the walk to the station, the day at work, walk home to the quiet house... Well its been a challenge. Work has been fairly quiet thankfully and its been nice to get some stuff done and slowly get back into the frustrations of the working week. Also it has been wonderful catching up with those I get to speak to during the day, spending time with them. That was one thing I truly missed, even though they were with me in my thoughts. That comfortable silence you can fall into when you don't need to talk.

The thing I've noticed though is that weariness though when I get in at home, really having to drive myself to make sure I eat and tidy up and occupy the evening usefully. Another side-effect is this week I've had to carry my laptop with me to and from work (being on-call) so am definitely quite achy. Thats another deterrent from sitting writing in the evenings, on top of the weariness. So an abscence of bloggage despite knowing exactly what i wanted to say! I have got on though, emails, catching up on reading, a story written over two evenings. I know I will get less tired as I settle back in a routine again.

Leash (part 2)

My eyes were drawn to that spot, where her fingers played as I tried to rack my mind for the significance of it. The remnance of the shock of her fingers didn't help the concentration much, it was hard not to just crave that touch again, her warmth, her breath. I had to shake my head a little again before I fell into that warm almost hypnotic state her closeness had on me. Her chuckle showed me she expected just that response, the warm flush of a blush on my cheeks her reward for knowing me so well.

I knew I should guess what she was thinking but I just couldn't get the significance of it. I took a deep breath and gulped, biting the bullet and looking up to meet her eyes. My throat was dry and I stuttered, finding it hard to get the words out. Why was asking something and admitting ones ignorance such a humbling experience? "Mistress", I gulped the word barely coming out "I don't understand". Her face softened at my words, a look of affection fleeting across it. She knew how hard that had been and she treasured me asking, warming to my vunerability. However, she was also hungry and the look which replaced it was one of eagerness. She leant forward, her hand slipping up to cup my balls, squeezing and lifting up so my cock jerked in the air. Gasping I looked down into her brightly shining eyes, straining to hear her barely whispered reply.

"Little puppy, don't you remember when you fucked this couch so desperately? You should do... you've acted like you wanted to hump my leg nearly everytime you've seen me since...". She let her words hang there in the air as my eyes widened, face going red in shock with the embarrassment of how obvious I was towards her, cock twitching of its own accord in the air with a little bead of precum suddenly expelled and rolling wetly down its length. My body gave the truth to her words without any possibility of denial, just as she knew it would. Of course I could remember it now, and the significance of her touch of the couch and her leg, all the puppy things around. I could remember that night when she sent me spinning into a dizzy haze and I frantically humped the couch like the desperate puppy I was. So wanting, so needing. Her little push all that was required to drive me to lose myself in the lust. She'd known what I was from the outset, somehow, way before I had. All I could do was mew and lean into her hand as she stroked beneath my balls, rolling them as she fed on my obvious arousal at the sting of teasing humiliation.

"Mmmmmm pet" she growled, thumb pushing upwards to press into the length of my shaft. I rocked against her, knowing that just confirmed what she'd said, how I'd do anything to rub against her flesh but being totally captivated by her. Her thumb stroked the skin of my cock as her fingers squeezed and relaxed against my balls. Each grip getting tighter. The pleasure from her caress turning the tightness into a delicious ache of wanting more, wanting her to squeeze hard. I just groaned incoherently leaning into her. She had other idea's though, her fingers wrapping round the leash and tugging downwards. I fell to my knee's as that tug travelled up to pull on my collar. She didn't stop though, she leaned forward, pulling lower. I spread my legs wide at first, trying to move down with her hand but that wasn't enough. Slipping onto all fours next to find balance, twisting to turn sideways onto her. Still lower though, dragging my crotch down til my hands and legs gave way and I lay sprawled on her feet.

She leaned back now, purring at my position, her foot pushing up into my stiff cock, playfully prodding and exploring with her toes. Cock, balls, pushing into into both and watching my ass wiggle desperately in the air for her as I groaned with lust. "Fuck them puppy" she growled, giving my ass an encouraging slap, the sting accenting her words. I'm sure there must have been a red hand print left on my pale skin, just as there was a mark left inside me by her words. I didn't need to be told twice, desperately twisting and writhing, rubbing my cock against her wonderful feet, thrusting against them with all my weight to dry and drag back the foreskin and build up the friction. I squirmed on the floor, arms and legs splayed trying to get as much grip as possible so I could lewdly hump them, my little ass moving up and down in the air and grinding down. I panted hard, in effort, need, her feet becoming everything as they pushed upto meet me. Growling, writhing, a heaving beast her moans from above joining with mine... my balls tight and wanting release, til I thought I could take no more. Her feet already wet with the smeared precum as I slickly rubbed over them. Til finally.. finally, those breathed heavy words.... "cum for me pet". No need to hear them again, instantly like fire searing through me as I spasmed shaking and heaving lost in the act and smearing her feet with my emission, til I collapsed panting on her feet with a ringing in my ears.

"Oh dear what a mucky little puppy" she breathed, prodding at me with her sharp toes. Tipping me over to my side and lifting one foot to my face to see the mess I'd made. In my exhaustion, heart beating so fast, I lay there on my side as she pressed the foot against my open mouth, my tongue lapping against the top to lick off the wet gooey mess. Moving my head now to bathe her foot adoringly, each drop of cum and pre-cum, then just to roll my tongue over that beautiful beautiful skin... First one foot then the other, til finally, finally clean, nuzzling them now, tongue curling round between each toe, the need to adore my Owner taking the place of that animal lust.

"Puppy's DO make such a mess but they are such fun" she finally giggled as it started to tickle, scooping me up into her arms to cuddle.

Leash (part 1)

Sometimes when you walk into a room you start to register things unconsciously. If you are used to the room you just know instinctively when something is out of place, or in this case added. It wasn't just that things were there... it was the seeming symmetry of them that spoke of a deliberateness, of a purpose. That was my first impression as I walked into her room. That little prickle at the back of my neck that spoke of an intention.

The look in her eyes as her head lifted to meet my gaze did nothing to disuade that first impression. It had such a determined innocence in it that I knew there were little cogs whirring in the back of her mind. Sweet yes, evil, most definitely, cranky, well occasionally (she is human, just deliciously so), but innocent? I tried to scan the room casually and the little grin on her lips as she saw my eyes dart around confirmed my suspicions. I gave a little sigh as my attempt at being smart as (as normal) foiled instantly by her knowing me too well. At least it made looking around easier as I didn't have to hide it. She was sitting up on the dark leather couch, leaning back watching me with that open mouthed grin, getting wider and wider as my eyes glanced here and there. Her fingers were idly stroking the material of the leather by her shapely thigh making it more difficult to not look just in that direction.

What could I see? I concentrated despite that lovely distraction. My collar, placed before her on the coffee table. Dog bowl down there on the floor, near her feet. Leash, coiled up on the arm of the other chair, within reach of her. Box of puppy biscuits (hand cooked by me) on the side table, a hair brush (for use of running through hair or spanking good pups) next to it. Both puppy treats. In fact all puppy things. I looked back at her quickly and she grinned more and I knew I had at least got the theme of her thoughts if not the intention. It was the oddest thing though what she was doing, alternatively running her fingers up and down the front of the couch and then forward to caress her calf again. The couch I could just about understand, just an idle thing to feel the leather under her fingers as she thought, but... her leg like that? Judging by the little musical chime of her laugh, the quizical look must have shown in my face. So it was intentional. But why?

I didn't have time to find out right then as she stood up, scooping up the collar as she did so, unclasping it and then closing it round my neck. The warmth of the leather, the coldness of the tag as it fell against the hollow of my neck, the softness of her fingers, the tightness, all of them conspiring to make my mind spin eliciting a purr from my lips as everything was forgotten and time stopped. "Easy now pet, not yet" she chuckled as her hands ran down my arms following the shiver. Her first words to me since I entered the room. She tugged my t-shirt off and then stopped, stepping back with that same knowing smile. Without breaking eye contact she reached behind, and grabbed the leash, snapping it into place on the collar with an experienced grace before just letting go. My eyes opened a little wider in shock as the sudden weight of the leash tugged at the collar, the leather falling against my chest.

Hey eyes followed the thin strip of the leash, reaching out to idly twiddle it as the loop at the end fell to hang just between my legs. She chuckled again and looked up. "Come on puppy, finish stripping, I've got nothing to hang this on". That drew the first flush from my cheeks, stopping quickly and trying to hurry to get my socks and trousers an underwear off and yet still fold them up in a neat pile on the floor. Hurrying while flustered is a sure way to get more flustered and sure enough I did, ending up hot and panting by the time I stood there naked. Her hand was at her lips now, laughing merrily to herself at my predicament. "There you go pup" she managed between her giggles as she caught the loop of the leash and slipped it over my hanging cock. "Don't drop it now" her grin wide again and her eyes glinting.

How does a pup react when standing naked except for his collar and leash in front of his Owner when something is suddenly dangled on his cock? He rises to the occasion, and I certainly did. Her grin was almost a leer as she watched me react as she knew I would, "Well, that will certainly make it easier pup!" she purred silkily, her fingers running over the loop and then oh so casually missing and up the hard flesh. Another purrr at the shudder that ran through me from the fire her fingers sent up my cock and body.

She sat back down again in her spot looking me up and down, the faintest hint of hunger visible now, her fingers tracing over her calf again in that strange way as she devoured me with her eyes.

Church

I went to church with Mum this morning, as much for her company and to make sure she didn't feel compelled to stay at home with us as for going to church. I used to go regularly, before the troubles, and now this is one of those unresolved issues which I guess one day will find its own time to sort out in my little head. I have so many friends who are either gay, transgendered or otherwise in alternative lifestyles (like my dear family on alt or on IRC on bondage)... who love each other in so many incredible ways. How can that love be considered wrong when its one of the most positive things I've experienced in my life? I will find my own way, thats right for me.

Prickles

I've really enjoyed the time down at my parents (even if I have remained mysteriously socked throughout the stay...). I know the boy has loved it too. There is one thing I am really looking forward to when I get back home. Shaving!! Yes, one thing I did not think I wanted to do while here was shave ummm there, so after 5 days I have a definite case of the prickles which you notice as you walk, sit, move, ummm do anything at all really. Little sharp prickles digging into thigh and anywhere else they can is a very definite new form of CBT I wasn't expecting on this new years! It does keep you wriggling though!

It was the year...

So I've been thinking about how I would end my first year of blogging. A review of the year comes to mind and then my head starts talking in "grand voice over man" voice and my love of great SF programmes comes to mind and I hear the opening credits of Babylon 5 and start thinking "The year is 2006...". Anyway, ignoring my prediliction for melodrama... a few thoughts from 2006.

Favourite film: Cars, yes, I'm soppy. As I may have mentioned I love this film as it summed up one of my great lessons for the year. Slow down, stop trying to "get" somewhere and enjoy the road you are on. As a very very wise Lady (see, thats a promotion.... wise Lady is waaaay above friend) who is also a great friend (thats a GOOD thing btw) and my Mistress (and thats like a waaaaaaaaaaaay amazing thing) told me recently things don't stop changing until you die, so what we really HAVE to enjoy is the process. Thats a paraphrase I don't have the email with me of what she said as it was very succint and precise and very much her way of just dropping three or four words in your path that while small feel like a concrete roadblock as they have that much impact.

Favourite TV programme: Planet Earth. Just astoundingly beautiful and the BBC at its best. We live on such an amazing planet.

Favourite book: Thud, Terry Pratchett. I've been really really really bad this year about reading, and I haven't finished Wicked yet and Terry Pratchett's books are ALWAYS so much fun to read.

Favourite song: Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol. This is a heart stopping song and the moment the opening bars start I just have to stop and listen and give it my full attention. Its so heartfelt, so simple, so beautiful. It reminds me of a much loved friend who I sang it for in the back of her car while we toured Scotland in August. She might never feel the same way I feel for her, but thats not the point. I love her, and if she needs me, needs that safe place for a moment, she has it, no matter how much it may hurt when she feels safe and secure and carries on. It also reminds me of a beautiful friend I made this year who sang it in return for me. It totally humbles me someone could offer me something so precious. Thankyou Cuzi.

Favourite place: This was hard. My first thought was Loch Ness, or somewhere else in the Highlands. Walking along the river Nevis with the puppy. They were such a beautiful place. After thinking about it though... its East Ayrshire. Thats the place that felt like home when I returned to it. Walking along Troon beach knowing that I felt so much like I belonged there. That I wanted to be there not because of anyone, but because of the place.

Favourite memory: Again, this was hard... So as it's my blog and I'll cheat if I want to (you can sing that to the tune in my head, if you really must) and choose a couple.

The time in August in Scotland was such a bitter sweet time. It was the best holiday ever. I felt so privilaged to have my friends company for a week. For her to let me take her precious beagle pup out for long walks by myself knowing that pup means more to her than anything in the world. Walking along the river for four hours just me and the pup. It was as near to heaven as I've known. So many wonderful times with my boy as well, its hard to choose.

Time spent getting to know so many wonderful new friends around the world who have delighted me so many small little things which brought a smile to my face. To time spent with pheobe, Mistress, LadyM, Tracy, Kath, karen, Christine, wistan, Ms Jolie, T, MzA and so many others too numerous to mention. In person, on the phone, online or just in writing. Wonderful times.

A two part memory. One that started with Mistress places her collar on me and completed with a little shiny brass tag falling out of a white envelope into my hands. Thankyou Ma`am. Something I'd never have dreamed of, and something that always leaves me humbled with a "why me?" in my mind.

The boy, falling asleep with his head in my lap. Who could ask for more?

Things learnt:

This was a year of change, a year of consolidation, a year when I stopped looking back at something that wasn't really there, stopped being "her husband" and started to explore what was me instead. A year where I fought with bouts of depression and mostly won... came out more optimistically than I started anyway. A year where I not only started to accept my sexuality but started to enjoy and treasure it. A year of new friends and the hints of new possibilities. A year where I finally started to like my quirky little body just as it is and realise other people might like it a little too. A year where I stopped hating my voice and how it sounded and know some people kind of like to hear it and want to listen to me ramble. I've learnt that wisdom is nothing without experience, and experience can be only gained one way. The hard way. I've learnt that if you pick the right people they are wonderfully full of compasion, patience, time and energy despite their own woes. I've learnt survival is not the only option and depression doesn't last. I've learnt I like pain when its delivered in some delightful ways by a delicious person. I've learnt some good things this year and changed more, and in more positive ways, than maybe the negative ways during the 10 years I was married. I've learnt how wonderful it feels to create, even if its just these simple words here and how much bigger the world seems when you get over your head.

A hard year... but a pretty good one.

That was fun...

...Oh no it wasn't... Oh yes it was!

Last night we went to the panto (oh no we didn't, oh yes we did... ok, I promise... thats the last time I will do that. There is something about Christmas-time that turns normally mild-mannered english-people into grinning fools who have to resort to responding to everything with the traditional panto audience shout out lines). My ex had won tickets from the local shopping mall so, despite the fact I'm down in Bournemouth with my boy at my parents for new year and she is all the way back in Farnborough, I said that was cool and I'd bring him back for the evening so we could all go. My Mum said she'd come too so it was nice, getting together as a family for the boy. I think I'm kind of glad I didn't think through about just how far it was though and just said yes.

We got there a little early as I wanted to make sure we didn't get caught in traffic as the weather started to get really bad (the afore mentioned rain and wind). This was really good though as the ex could show off how busy she had been sorting through the boys toys. You know how it is... She's been in that house just over a year. When she moved in it was the final "we aren't getting back together again" as we'd sold our old house and used the proceeds to buy her a house so her and the boy could start again with their own home. So things were just shoved into the small box/playroom and slowly got worse while she concentrated on the downstairs. With a little encouragement, and the little push that the boy now needed somewhere to setup the PC I bought him for Christmas, she decided to move stuff around upstairs and sort things through to give the small bedroom to the boy as his "sleeping" room (doubling up as a guest room if anyone came to stay), whereas his big room with the cabin bed (which he doesn't really use) would be the play room. If I ever stay over he can sleep up in that and I won't kill myself by treading on his toys when I get out of bed blindly in the morning ;-). It also means the PC is in a different room to his sleeping in, so when its time to STOP playing and go to bed, he will really go to bed.

I'm really pleased she decided to (let's ignore this was how I suggested she lay it out in the first place... I know it was hard for her when she moved in and it was important she make her own decisions). I'm kind of glad though that she felt she could ask my opinion when she decided to do this, knowing I'm not the type to do an "i told you so". It's good though as it kept her busy while I had the boy for the last few days so she didn't dwell on it. I have to do this every week so I know how empty the house feels when he's gone. Keeping busy is the best way past it.

She had done well and the little room was mostly clear and as we got there early she asked if I minded moving the wardrobe and his bed into the room then so she could get it all finished off before we got back on Monday. I took the bed apart and moved it over and the boy was really pleased, as well as amazed how big his playroom looked. He was plotting where he is going to put the computer desk on Monday when he goes back and I help him put it together. Its going to look really good and I know when she see's it all complete the ex will feel so proud of her house and be proud when his friends come over to play - that will do her a lot of good and the more her self-confidence is boosted, the happier she is.

I've always been a little well, dubious, about things like panto's. My natural shyness comes out and all the shouting and audience joining in I found uncomfortable. So I got there with that "grin and bare it" mentality. One of the so positive things about being on my own is you have to just do things, you have no one to hide behind. The ex (being so outgoing and talkative) both took away opportunities for me to stand out and also gave me excuses not to try. I know towards the end I just felt like "her husband" rather than "me". This last year has been very much about discovering who "me" is. I quickly got over that strange feeling of sitting next to her again, with her being so vocal and loud (its easy to slip into old patterns) and watched the boy and settled into being "me". I clapped and shouted back the traditional responses... Did "heads, shoulders knee's and toes" with the rest of the audience (and I have to say we were robbed, the boys and Dad's were DEFINITELY louder than the girls) and thoroughly enjoyed it both for watching the boys reaction and because, I just enjoyed it.

English panto is a very special thing. Very self-aware, very participative, full of little quirks of knowing innuendo, just a wonderful thing to behold. Think of Rocky Horror but for children (yes... I know so of course I should love panto when I stopped being so prissy and uptight, considering how much I love Rocky on stage). Unlike a lot of panto's which rely on big names, this was a small production of Beauty and the Beast (done panto style). The cast were excellent, all had amazing singing voices... better than many musical's I've been to. They were funny as hell, egging the audience on, shouting back and dragging them into the show with the laughed comments of "you know whats coming next" and "hang on, i've not got there yet, don't say my lines or I'll have nothing to do". They so obviously enjoyed it as much as we did being part of it. Pity the poor guy that the "evil ugly witch" picked on at the beginning, asking his name and then spent the rest of the panto blowing kisses at and cooing at him by name. The "ugly sister" a big black guy suitably hammed it up in drag, the good fairy suitably yummy, the bad villian suitably dashing and evil. All the proper ingrediants for a family panto.

I nearly choked laughing when the "good fairy" (with her long blonde flowing hair) flounced back onto stage dressed as a french maid with fishnet stockings and heels. Before she even managed to say "hello Mums and boys and girls, and Helloooooooooooo Dads" both Mum and the ex had given me one of "those" looks. I must be so obvious :P. Of course neither of them know whether I was looking at the girl or just purring at the outfit. Hey, its nice to admire it from more than one line of thought ;-).

It was great though and despite the terrifying drive home, and the aches and pains today from gripping so hard to keep the car on the road... It was a wonderful evening. Next year they are doing "The Wizard of Oz" panto style so you bet your ass I'll be there as I SOOOOO love that story. I'll resist and leave my ruby slippers at home though ;-).

That only leaves one thing for me... a wistful longing to see Rocky Horror again. Anyone wanting to go see it up in London before it moves off?

160 mile round trip in the pouring rain and horrible winds to go see a panto? "Petrol, £20. Drinks and sweets, £5. Deoderant needed from sheer fear of the drive, £2.50. The chance to scream out like a little kid at the cast and watch a little boys face while he did the same? Priceless".

Spray

OK, so while there are some types of spray that maybe fun, spray from other cars is *not* one of them. So a polite, impassioned, plee to all those drivers out there. When you are driving along at 11pm on a night with driving rain, gusty winds, and generally dreadful visibility... When you overtake that little car thats bumbling along a little slower as the occupant is quietly terrified at how light his car is and how its being hit so hard by the side winds.... Please, please, PLEASE when you overtake on that completely empty motorway, don't just cut in straight in front of it when you've overtaken. You don't need to, the road ahead is empty. Please give it a decent amount of space when you pull over, if not - on a wet road like that all you do is completely atomise all the standing water and send it spraying up in a fog over the poor git behind (me). You really don't need to pull in one car length ahead of me :)

Thankyou!

The pleasure is in the journey

Mum, Dad, boy and I all sat and watched 'Cars' last night as the boy had got it on DVD. The boy decided to make it into a big presentation thing and prepared lots of little nibbles set out on the table for us to eat during the movie and we were informed it was ok, there would be an intermission half way through for drinks and bathroom breaks. We were treated to his sale spiel when he informed us that the DVD was now available in all good stores and we could go find it after we'd seen the film. The boy somberly turned out the lights so we could get the full movie experience. Dad promptly fell asleep through the first half of the film as it was dark.

I love this film (as well as the music in it, note to self... borrow DVD off the boy just so I can listen to that soundtrack in surround sound). OK so I love Disney anyway. OK so I *LOVE* PIXAR and have to admit they sound like just such a fun company to work for. But but but I love their movies with a passion. They are just so warm and HUMAN and the characters and stories just pull at the heart. Please don't ask how many times I saw the Incredibles *blush* and was kinda hmmmm and iffy when I saw the trailers for Cars, but its just a brilliant film. I guess I identify with it a lot... not with the selfish side of him, but with the whole... rushing ever onwards treating the goal as the thing. I admit, at the end I cried (again), just a little and it was dark so I am sure it was just ummm a cold or how bright the TV was in my eyes. Yes, thats it. I also found myself welling up a lil when John Lassiter was talking (on the featurette) about his inspiration for the film, where he rediscovered how to be close to his kids by just enjoying the meandering journey through life.

Yes, I'm mushy as hell. *grin*

Ooooops

I feel terribly guilty. Well ok now I don't feel guilty, but I did feel a kind of pang of honesty.... (well, it may have been indigestion, I'm not really sure... I'm not used to what honesty feels like now) but it was a real genuine mistake and somehow I can't bring myself to feel too bad about it now (not considering I bought the boy's PC in that shop before Christmas and I've seen how much they've been reduced in the sales).

Dad and I popped to well known UK PC store earlier to look around. I picked up a 1gb usb flash pen very cheap and Dad spoiled the boy by getting him a verrrrrrrrrrry good webcam so we can both see him (Hmmmm at that webcam, its SO much clearer than mine and we all know how much I love webcams *blush*... it follows you and every, its so tempting!!!). I wanted to get the boy a nice chair for the Computer Desk that my parents gave him for Christmas. We saw a nice swivel adjustable chair with arms and it was a bargain at 15 pound. Only thing though they only had black, not blue. Oh well we said, and bought two. One for the boy, one for Dad. We got to the til and they registered at 35pound EACH! Oh no we said... it had a big reduced sign on the example chair, and it did, we showed them! The black chair on display said reduced to 15. The nice man on the til punched in the override and cut it down to 30pound for the pair, as we thought.

As we got out the store we kinda hmmmed a little about it as someone had whispered in Dad's ear just after we left that he thought that was only for the blue ones... but we couldnt see the colour making THAT much difference in price. Well, we checked up on the web when we got home and sure enough... Blue office char, out of stock.. reduced from 30pound to 15. Black office chair, in stock... 35pounds. Guess someone must have moved the price sign when they sold the last one!

Well it was a genuine mistake and all credit to the store for being so good as to just reduce the price like that at the til, and the little boy is very very happy!! Plus it serves them right for trying to charge us 35 quid for 15m network cable that I ended up buy for 5quid on ebay!!!

Sunshine

Yesterday, on the drive down to my parents, I saw sunshine for the first time in two weeks! I'd kind of forgotten just how bright it was (as I fumbled around in a traffic jam trying to change my normal glasses for my prescription sunglasses so I could actually see). OK, so it only lasted about half hour and was gone by the time we got here, but it was a welcome sight. The UK can be so grey in winter...

It was actually nice to see my sister for once, as she was still down here doing the handover of which sibling my parents had for Christmas. Her kids are a little older now and so more fun. Her eldest boy is still a bit of a well, odd, little one, but her youngest is the most adorable little boy who was two in October. He was running around with a big smile getting under feet, peeking up out of no where, hugging, kissing, getting his funny little words mixed up, crying, screaming and doing all the other totally adorable things two year olds do. Made me smile a lot as he reminded me of a friends little girl who is just a little younger, so I kissed the hell out of him and his sweet little pout when he pulled a cracker and he didn't get the bit with the present in. Well, you have to get the kisses in where you can.

I'm almost wishing I brought my laptop down now though, I really didn't sleep well last night and didn't want to put the TV on or come outside in case I disturbed anyone else. The break from using a computer all the time will do me good though. (Shhhhh this doesn't count, this is known as updating my blog for sanity purposes while "investigating my parents new DVD's").

So now, sipping my latte made with the lovely coffee machine my parents bought me... and trying not to yawn too much.

Puppy nails

Just because its Christmas and because I'm away now for a few days at my parents (yes, I know... I need to practice more, don't worry... I have all of 2007 to get it right!)

Boxing day, how appropriate

Today was one of those days which brings you back to a point in time you really don't want to be. Also one of those days that makes you say roll on two years so I can file for divorce and really *relish* saying "the-ex".

When I got to the ex's to spend the morning with them she was quiet, she had tummy ache and hadn't slept well (as she had stayed over at her parents) so was quiet and a little crabbit. I left her to it and just played with the boy while she went upstairs. It was ok til her parents turned up with the bike she bought the boy and then it got awkward. She got very uptight and childish... Started asking over and over again if the bike was too small while they adjusted the seat, and increasingly stressed and uptight about whether it was too small. She started getting crankier in how she spoke, bitchy harsh comments... I did not like the way she spoke to the boy when she thought he had trod mud into the front room so I took him upstairs for a minute while they adjusted the bike. This kind of went on until after they had gone when we had a very childish comment of "I'll just have to sell the bike and then try and buy a new one" when we'd all said it was just fine. I said I had better go and got the retort of "if you go you aren't coming back and we'll deal with it all through the courts". Lovely.

So she went upstairs to sulk when they had gone, ummm i mean to go rest as her tummy hurt and the boy and I played before he fell asleep on my lap til she came down after she had slept too and we had lunch. The thing that cut me up most though was when the boy said "he really wasn't used to this anymore", meaning the arguing. I should take that as a good thing... that he knows it doesn't happen anymore, yet at the time it just felt so bad that we had put him through all that for so long.

I don't like that place it puts me when she is in that sort of mood. She bitched I didn't talk to her parents, well she always bitched I didn't talk to people... but you try talking to anyone when your wife makes you feel like every word you say is wrong or stupid or going to cause an argument.

Roll on August. I just worry sometimes what she is like with the boy when I'm not around. He seems ok though, I do watch out for what he says.

Lonely pokemon

Today I learnt something from pokemon.

Yes, scary huh. The boys mum bought him Pokemon Blue Rescue for Christmas for his Nintendo DS and we were setting it up. It started with a personality quiz to decide what pokemon he was.

From his answers it told him that he was kind of lonely... that he loved being around people and thats why he was sometimes lonely, because he wanted and needed to be with people - that when he wasn't, it made him a little down. It then said, and I found this incredible, "It's ok when you feel a little down and lonely, its not bad its just a reminder how much you want to be with people".

Apart from the shock that the boy is SO like me... I was quietly stunned at that little bit of insight... to me.

Thankyou pokemon.

Magical Christmas

We had a great Christmas. Yesterday going to Church for the Christingle service. It was lovely, sitting together as a family even though we are not together, getting lots of cuddles from the boy. The really cute girl dressed up as an angel (except all in black, with piercings) two rows in front didn't hurt. I had to laugh, my ex just turned to me and gave me a look when she walked in and sat down a little late. She knows my tastes far too well!

The boy was very over-excited but fell asleep really quickly when we got him to bed. He even managed to sleep in til 8am by some amazing fluke. The boy was just a delight and we had a wonderful morning. He loved all his presents and was so excited over the smallest thing he was given. It was lovely to see. He was shocked when he opened the PC and once it had settled in he kept saying over and over how much he loved his new PC and giving me hugs. We sat and played with it for a little and I showed him how to do some of the things on it, he wanted to watch tv on that rather than the proper TV :). The ex had to pop out for a bit so he and I had some lovely time just to ourselves playing with some of his things.

Now we'll have to get his bedroom sorted out so he can get it all setup, its an incentive for him to get his toys sorted out ;-). We had a good morning and it was very relaxed and just nice being together the three of us. When it came to 1pm they had to go off to her parents for dinner so it was time to come home. Yesterday her parents asked if I wanted to come for dinner. It was really sweet of them to ask and I am really touched. Unfortunately with it being so late it was hard to plan anything or find out what time it was going to be (or even get used to the idea). I'd had a really great time and I didn't want to spoil it or intrude on their time, or get involved in any conflicts on their family.Plus, no one was quite sure when lunch was going to be and I really do not like driving back in the dark, so... I said thankyou so much and took my flask of coffee and went walking for a wonderful hour and a half in the hills.

It was a great day, and the happiest Christmas I can remember. Its the first one I can remember without an argument.

I miss him like hell now, of course, and feel a lil sensitive and lost... but just til tomorrow when I see him again.

Expectations

A friend of mine was telling me it really didn't feel like Christmas. She's just moved to the Philipines and all the foods are different, she can't get anything she'd normally get for a traditional Christmas and everything is just... strange. It's made her feel displaced and awkward for not feeling like she should. The fact its not cold makes it strange as well.

It made me think... expectations. Last year I still wanted the Christmas we'd always had and I couldn't have it. We had got back from a family holiday in Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Day itself. It had been a good holiday on the whole... we had booked it before the seperation and decided to make the most of it and go through with it. After presents, I went home... and well got very drunk because it hurt too much. I sobered up the next day some time.

This Christmas, I avoided thinking about it much... but I actually quite like it now. The expectations I had last year are gone. Thinking about it more clearly, they were based on things I remembered as a kid, being around my family and being wanted and happy. This never happened when I was married. Every year was the same, uptightness, stress, the ex getting upset by her family and feeling in the middle of it all and then finally kind of surviving the tenseness. Last year I had expectations for something that had never been there... so every year it was always going to be a disappointment.

This year. This year I've not expected anything. I've spoiled those I love and had a wonderful time choosing those special gifts just for very special people. I hope they enjoyed receiving them as much as I enjoyed giving them. I've got to see my boy lots. I will get to see my parents. So, my expectations have changed... and the Christmas I have now seems kind of nice. No big Christmas dinner, no big family thing, just little bits of time to be with those that matter to me. Kinda cool.

So tonight, I'm going to pamper myself. Cuddle up and watch tv. Bath. Shave. Look at the little bottle of nail varnish I bought today to spoil myself and *purrrrrrr*

Happy Christmas everyone.

Upsets

The problem with repressing feelings is when they do find a way out they bite you in the ass big time.

This kind of happened to me last night while talking with a friend. They said something with the very best of intentions which caught me in a place where I was a little vulnerable and it caught to the core of that. Of course it wasn't what they said I was reacting to, it was the supressed feelings finding that vent and rushing out all in one go with all the vengence they could muster. I did what I normally do... I went completely cold in a moment as everything kind of came rushing up and it hurt like I'd been stabbed. I really didn't want to react that way, I just did.

I sat there for a moment and thought. What do I do now? Do I say something? Do I just go quiet? Do I make an excuse I have to go? Do I just try and carry on and hide how I am feeling. In the end, I said something, confusing them and worrying them that they had hurt me. I couldn't just hug them and say it was ok, it wasn't. I did explain I knew they were trying to be helpful, but I just needed a little space for some time and thankfully they gave it to me.

It was *such* a better way of handling things and we ended the evening by chatting casually and comfortably on the phone after I'd thrown myself into frantic present wrapping for the evening and slipping my collar in place as a comfort, holding onto one piece of certainty in all the turmoil. The collar meant a lot to me then... It made me have to deal with things, reminding me of the commitments I made to Her to look after myself and also that how I behave reflects on her. It reminded me I can't run anymore, no matter how that seems the easy option (and it never is, it just makes it harder to deal with things when finally you have to).

Supressing things is never really good, but with this one situation is the only way I know how to deal with it and stay sane. So until another way comes along, I am kinda pleased I at least handled things better. I am really grateful for my friend for being patient and understanding and giving me space, and i am totally in the debt of Cuzisaid just for being who she is.

SysAdmin's at Christmas

Walking through the building, its full of Christmas decorations, lights, tinsel, tree's, all the signs of an office full of colleagues that work together but also enjoy each others company. It's really nice to see, even on the floor's with all the Indian on-shore workers.

Then you get to our wing in Operations, with the DBA's, UNIX and Wintel Sysadmins and the CRM team. I can see three pieces of tinsel and one set of lights on the whole wing.

*grin* Merry Christmas from the BoFH's* ;-).

I guess we just have to claim we are too busy keeping the company running!


* that's bastard operator from hell's for those who've never had the privilage to come across those stories!

Simplicity

I've been feeling a lot more relaxed this week, despite the sleeplessness. I don't know what it is, but I do like it. Last week I had all the travelling with the course, plus the being around new people and then the seeing and then missing the boy. I don't know if that was it. I also stopped taking the Valerian as I wasn't at home two nights and had all that driving to do so just wanted to be alert. I started again on Sunday after dropping the boy off. A combination of factors? A nice wind down to Christmas? Less stress? Such wonderful friends? There are no magic cures, no instant fixes, but... I do kinda like feeling like this. This is how I want to be, the me that's open, welcoming, accepting and life just seems so damn simple and uncomplicated... for once all those thoughts are quiet and still. Hooray.

Mistakes

I had something I was supposed to do last night, but I'd been up for 20hrs after not sleeping well the night before and got myself a lil confuzzled and went further than I had intended to when it had first been discussed. I've always been traditionally very hard on myself for making mistakes or misinterpreting things or having ummm accidents.

This morning though, I just woke up... thought about last night and with a clearer head thought "ohhh bum" and took the first chance I could to tell her and that was the end of it. It felt such a really great way to start the day, in her arms. I don't know if it made such a difference that it was a genuine honest mistake and I made it with the best of intentions to do what I thought I was supposed to at the time. I know in the past when I've been SO hard on myself its been when I've misunderstood or worse, couldn't hold on... When I've been SO scared of disappointing her I've punished myself inside.

I prefer this way. My duty is to try, my duty is to grow, my duty is to learn, my duty is to be honest and present the good and the bad openly. I'll make mistakes and I hope they'll always be honest ones, but in reality I know sometimes they will be because I'm not in the right place in my head and am jittery or ornery or crabbit or unsettled. Being able to be just totally open and not worry, it was a really special feeling. In return, I know she has a duty of care to me and to help me learn and not make those mistakes, for both of us. So if I have accidents, I'm going to try and just say "Ma`am, help me not to.". If I don't understand something or its unclear. I just ask! I think the only way I really could disappoint is if i didn't speak out.

Writing in the...

There was a heavy frost on all the car's as I walked to work this morning. Half a centimetre thick or more. Some kids? Teenagers? had written various rude words in the thick layer on the back windows. All I could think of was "oh god they have SUCH neater writing than I do".

I am sure I should have been "Outraged of Didcot" or whatever it is people sign when they write into the newspapers, but that was my first thought! They had really nice writing!

Christmas

So. Christmas. Something I've been avoiding thinking about too much in one of those it will happen and then be over with soon kinds of way as for me, I'm planning it to start on the 27th.

I had to think about it tonight as the ex phoned and asked if i'd stay over Christmas Eve so I'd be there for the boy Christmas morning. My reaction was to say no, it can be so awkward in the house but... Honestly, its Christmas and more chance to be with him, I couldn't say no. So the plans are now -

Christmas Eve... drive to the ex's for about 3pm, then walk with them to church for Christingle. Spend a quiet evening there.
Christmas Morning... spend it with both til just before lunch, then come home for the rest of the day as they are at her parents.
Boxing Day... drive back to the ex's for the morning and a light lunch before they go out again.
27th... drive back to the ex's and get the boy then take him down to the parents.
29th... drive back to the ex's with the boy and Mum to go see a panto, then back to my parents.
1st... drive back to the ex's, drop off the boy, drive home.

A lot of travelling, and just those few quiet times I wasn't looking forward to. SO much better than last year though. Last year we arrived back from Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Morning and then it was home alone. The one and only time I let myself get drunk over the split up. It will not happen this year as I'm on call!

Those who are with their families this year. No matter how hard the situation, how strained... try... try... try just to treasure them for that one day. Please.

Friends

Last night was a good night of renewing and rebinding friendships. Some very new, some very old. Clearing up misunderstandings and confusions and setting some things clear in one new. Finding a deep old friendship is still there alive and well and as heartfelt and precious as ever in another. I think I'm quite proud of myself and how I handle friendships now and the hard times in them. I know how angry or bitter or frustrated I used to get, how quick I was to jump to conclusions and be defensive... because I was so uptight. Now though, well things still annoy me at times but it takes a lot for a friend to rile me, most of the time I'll just let things find their own way through and know no matter what its not meant to be vindictive or malicious, its just people. Friends find a way.

Its pretty good being an adult sometimes.

Fairy dust

It was freezing while walking to work this morning. The path's were white and covered in frost, the sky dark and clear. The moon bright. As I walked it started to rain, that very faint almost misty rain. It was below zero... so as it filled the air it froze, it twinkled in the moonlight like thousands of little star's glowing and shimmering in the sky.

Perks

MMMmmm yum, a very lovely lunch from one of our vendors (SUN) with good company there and a fruitful day at work too. Despite being hyper and then slightly tipsy after lunch, I still managed to come back and fix all my scripts. Damn when I am good I am good!

I was feeling relaxed so enjoyed the big group, even if i was a little quiet as normal, it was nice to enjoy the company. I guess because of my mood, I watched people a little more. There was one guy there (sat a little up the table) who is always very talkative, very loud and vocal who was just quiet.. and in fact played games on his phone and barely touched his meal. I guess he was uncomfortable in the group too. Reminded me of my therapist saying once you never quite know what goes on in people's heads, you may think they are all confident and don't dwell on things the way you do... but you never know. It made me think. I may not be where I want to be in my life but, you know if I let myself, sometimes I don't do too bad.

It can be so sweet!

So my blogs are out of order. I still need to write one about Sunday night, but time time time! I don't want to lose this moment, so I will write where I am now, and then sometime go back and talk about then :). Since then wasn't a very nice place it might be better if I do it this way round anyway.

Today I am hyper. I am sure I will calm down soon and I hope its a slow gentle float down rather than a crash, but either way its kinda nice. I've been pouncing on people (metaphorically) and probably bothering them silly but it feels a good place to be in. The energy, the delight in being around my friends, the joy of life and just wowness at some of the amazing people I'm lucky enough to be around. I'm so damned lucky with the friends I have. I really don't know why I feel so good... Yesterday started pretty down but slowly picked up as I talked to people and my attitude changed when they were just so lovely. By the evening, I was just happily quiet, enjoying thinking of the night before as I wrote about it and enjoying those around me. Early to bed and while a little restless in the night, a peaceful night. This morning, just hyper, energetic :). Its feels so much better, treating people with my smile... I wish I could be more like this. I asked someone to remind me of how I can be when I feel down, as I really don't see it or remember it. She told me to write about it to remind myself, so here I am :).

Remember pup, it feels good more often than it feels bad now... you just don't remember that in the bad times.

Ohhhh and my friend from South Africa is coming over in Feb and my boss has let me have that day off (even though I am supposed to take that days holiday this year *grin*). I really hope I get to meet up with her this time!

Signs of winter

Winter cold
First frost and an icy fog this morning
New train timetable
Trains are randomly cancelled
I don't want to get out of bed!

Kind of nice on a chill morning though, looking out on the fog on the hills.

Mmmmmm

Pins or pegs?

It was a good weekend, they seem to be most often. Simple but good. Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to fit things back into the boxes they came in? Well Saturday morning found me (after the pretty good course at SUN all week) finishing off the boys new PC and then trying to get it back into its box before I went and got him. I managed the PC pretty ok, with just the traditional knuckle scraping of getting the polystryene back in the box the right way round. Could I get the base off the monitor though? Those little darned plastic clips that threaten to snap if you even look at them too closely. In the end I gave up and stuffed it in its box deciding he can open the PC box and then I will probably just give him the monitor :). We finished our Christmas shopping, finally deciding what we could do to finish my Mum's present. Much relief knowing that was all the presents finally decided. I like giving... and I like it being something chosen for a reason, something special for that one person. Its a great pleasure and satisfaction even if you don't get to seem them open it. I don't like it when I don't know what to get someone or why thats for them, things just have to fit ;-). I'm glad we managed it, we tried to get into Reading and ended up giving up as the traffic was so bad! So Didcot it was, and thankfully not too busy so we got to spend more time together. Sat was X Factor final so that was us for the evening, sitting playing battleships in that way you do with children (Ohhhh (8 moves later) did you say C4 not E5?, yes that was a hit...) while we watched and listened and stayed up far too late. Yes, btw, I am really glad Leona won. Amazing voice. Sunday was a nice lovely quiet relaxed day, sitting chatting with the boy, making mosaic cup coasters for my Mum for Christmas, quietly sharing a few words with Mistress here and there occasionally as she spent her day doing the same with her family. It was nice, quiet companionship with both of them. One of those magical unhurried mornings. Dropped in to see my Mum at my Nan's on the way taking the boy back, as she is staying a few days with Nan, and it was good to see both of them so well. The boy was pleased to see them both too and chattered incessently.

In the evening I was lucky enough to have some play time in a completely new way for me. I have a slight exhibitionist streak that came to light awhile back and there are a few phrases which are guaranteed to ease my mind into a certain place. "Undress for me pet", "go get your toys" or in this case "turn on your cam, pet". There is a slight mindblowing realisation when you know that SHE is watching you, devouring your every movement, purring at every single reaction. There's also the strange feedback of watching yourself on the screen from the webcam image displayed. Every touch you make mirrored back there for you to see. Every twitch, every shiver. Its fairly intense no matter what happens. Watching yourself.. voyeur and exhibitionist in one, knowing thats what they see. Ummm yes :) Well last night, she played with me in a way I'd kind of winced at when I'd heard people talk about. After relaxing me in that way she has, when you can feel she is so focused on you, that there is nothing else in her mind but you, almost feel her fingers stroking across your body in the same way her thoughts are devouring... Once in that quiet accepting state of mind she shocked me by telling me to go get the clothes pegs. I've only ever tried one of those once before, on a nipple and I yowled the house down at first, though it felt kind of good too so it was with a little buzzy trepidation I went to get them. I settled back down with her and waited a little nervously with that passive acceptance and expectation. When she told me to take one and place it on that soft skin between cock and balls it was like in a dream, reaching for the peg, picking it up, bringing it close, pinching the skin a little to make a spot then slowly unsqueezing my fingers on the peg top so it closed around the soft skin. I don't think I even made a sound as I was holding my breath... it was such an odd sensation, it didn't hurt, it just felt warm and tight and looking down and seeing it there was a little surreal. I could feel it, but it just felt good... the evidence in how I hardened and a little bead of wetness appeared testified to that. It was that point she told me to turn the cam on... and I tried to concentrate enough to find the cam, untangle the wire, get the camera into position, go and get a light to make it brighter, all running round naked with my tail in and this little peg wobbling away. More pegs, in a line down underneath me. Then more, as she asked, making symmetrical patterns working out to either side, filling in every space... then finally, gasping as each one made me feel more needy, made me want more, pinching the skin on the underside of my cock to get enough skin to run them up the length and the foreskin.

I can't describe it, it was unlike anything I've felt before, every peg... I just wanted, needed her to tell me what to do next, where she wanted them. Each little pinch making a soft gasp come from me. Every movement made them all wobble independenly, making them pull the tight skin, moving it in so many different ways and directions at once. Its no exageration to say i was dripping quietly as well as slightly hypnotised by the little movements. When she told me to run my fingers over and touch the pegs, mmmmmm.

It was the most intense play I've been involved with and it was just wonderful, the pinches... the feeling them of the skin slightly tender as it was released... that feeling of nothing being there. I absolutely loved it and the gentle way she led me through it. Afterwards I just sat grinning like a fool for ages and then getting shy and smiling at her at the thought she was just watching me smile. Today I can feel some of the little pinched spots and its a beautiful reminder.

Yum.

Nights and schools

So after being a right miserable little sod Wed night after I missed my boy, and after half-scaring myself to death on the drive home that night (I hate driving in the dark... the glare of oncoming traffic is blinding), I bit the bullet and asked the ex-wife-to-be if I could stay over again Thurs for the course.

As well as protecting my sanity and stopping me getting worn out on the drive home, it meant I got to be with my boy. The ex's cold decided to come out so we packed her off to bed so it helped her out too - I could look after the boy for the evening and not worry about her and I getting on each others nerves. He was tired, so we curled up on the couch and watched Cats and Dogs (god I love little beagle pups!) and then got him into bed. I didn't sleep well but it was nice to just lay there and listen to his breathing from the other bed. There are worse ways to spend an hour or two in the middle of the night.

She had to get to work early, so once I had woken him up I got to walk him to school by myself. So tonight I will probably be a miserable git again, but then I get to go get him tomorrow :).

Happiness is...

Waking up in the morning and your son being there in the room in the other bed and hearing his soft breathing. Hearing him shout out "morning Daddy, is it it time to get up yet?". Getting him breakfast as he slowly wakes up and taking him into school.

Perfect.

School plays

Awwwwww. Tonight I saw my boy in his school play, "Hansel and Gretel" and it was just so damn cute. It had all the right components. Jokes above the kids heads, kids stage struck and staring at their mums and dad's and waving, kids forgetting their lines and tripping over each other.

Just beautiful. They looked like they loved every minute of it. The boy was a "sandman" and part of the choir and danced on stage with his tinsel at the appropriate bit when Hansel and Gretel slept. I've never had chance to go to his plays before, this is the first time it was in an evening, and I am so glad... it made me smile and laugh a lot. It was so much fun. The school did really well. I'm really glad I finally got to see his school and meet his teacher too. When I went to get him after he had changed he was in a bundle of other children wrapping their arms around a pretty blonde teachers assistant as she is leaving soon. All I can say is thats my boy and he has great taste!!!

This evening, afterwards, we sat and cuddled and watched tv as the ex is out at her work Christmas party. He was tired so he lay up with a cushion in my lap, nestling his head down so I could stroke his hair and face (see, he really DOES take after me). He's tucked in bed now and I'm giving him some time to get to sleep before I go curl up in there.

I'm so proud of my boy.

Lost in...

Listening to the Chris Moyles show this morning on the Radio in the car, they were debating movies. We will leave the commenting about Donnie Darko out of it
as some things are too sacred... and dark movies are one of them).

Lost in Translation was the love it or hate it movie. Most of them hated it, thought it was boring and nothing happened. Personally, I loved it with a passion. It moved me and made me think, unsettled me, left me feeling for the characters and ultimately left me feeling happier about fleeting moments and life's little lost moments.

It reminded me of those times in Hong Kong as a stranger in a strange land, wondering where your place is geographically as well as emotionally in life. Those were the times my wife was pregnant and suffering back in the UK but I had to be out there on work and desperately wanted to be anywhere else, yet was scared of what the future might bring, would I be a good dad? could I cope? Would my wife be ok with all the problems she was having? Feeling so helpless and impotent and yet having to deal with all this while in a place I didn't belong.


The film brought back all those moments as well as those times in your own town where... well... I think you either understand where I am coming from or you don't.

Have you seen it?

Did you love it and just wallow in the journey of too people, knowing it couldn't wouldn't have a nice hollywood end as our journeys don't, they care on?

Did you find it boring and thought nothing happened?



I am curious...

Commuting

I take my hat off to everyone that commutes to work every day. Day two of my 45mile 1hr 30min crawl to the training course. Better today as I didn't just crawl on the M4 but I did do tha creep behind a tractor thing coming out of Didcot!!

On the big plus side, I am now grateful again I get the train in to work normally and won't bitch too much next week when I am stuck waiting on a cold train station again!.

An interesting thought though, can you tell what time people leave home by their lights? No one seems to turn them off as its gets brighter. So you get some people with them on full, some dimmed, some not at all. Does this show how long they've been travelling? I look jealously at those with no lights on who've just crawled out the house...

I was tagged by a friend on alt and much delayed due to birthday celebrations... here goes.

1. I love... people even though I sometimes find it hard to be around them.

2. I'm pissed off that... people aren't just NICE to each other.

3. If I could have one wish instantly granted... I would give a friend her dreams. Please don't ask me which friend as I really really don't know which it would be. I guess who needed it most at the time.

4. One thing I haven't done that I really want to try is... Oh god there is so many. Some physical, some emotional, some mental. The one that comes to mind at this moment is just to lay over someones knee and be spanked and then held and cuddled. Maybe silly, but its the mood I've woken in. Wanting touch.

5. I sincerely miss... my son

6. I can't live without... my son

7. My worst memory is.... The things my wife said.

8. I'm embarrassed by... Other people getting in embarrassing situations. I get embarrassed for them!!

9. My favorite blog or comment by the person who tagged me is... her ever more hysterical pet names

10. I crave... touch

11. My best quality or characteristic is... I care. I feel for people.

12. My worst quality or characteristic is... Sarcastic, cynical and bitter and close off.

13. I have a weakness for... women who like pets

14. My guilty pleasure is... Really bad SF & Fantasy tv

15. My favorite color is... purple

16. 3 adjectives about the color that made me choose it are that it is... warm, deep, promising

17. If I could have any animal for a pet it would be... A puppy, though we might fight.

18. 3 adjectives about the animal that made me choose it are that it is... playful, excitable, loving

19. If I could swim in any body of water it would be... the dead sea

20. 3 adjectives about that body of water that made me choose it are that it is... emmm none, i just can't swim and having been in the dead sea and not sank it was amazing!

21. This tag was... very delayed!

I tag Mistress *grin* as I want to see her post more in her blog ;-)

Do you ever...

... really get used to how quiet the house is after the weekend when he has gone home? Do you ever stop waking up in the middle of the night and wondering why its so quiet, lay there confused wondering whats missing and realise its the little sound of movement, of faintly heard breathing or a light snore?

Do you ever really see Monday's as anything except when something is taken away from you?

I guess I was spoiled with the long weekend. So glad I'm with him again tonight.

Courses

This weeks going to be a busy one. Started a 5 day course today on SUN Cluster. It was interesting but tiring, the drive was about an hour and a half each way, so I think thats going to be most of my week taken up! BUT I do get to babysit my boy tomorrow night and go see his school play!!! Wooohooooo!!!