Expectations

A friend of mine was telling me it really didn't feel like Christmas. She's just moved to the Philipines and all the foods are different, she can't get anything she'd normally get for a traditional Christmas and everything is just... strange. It's made her feel displaced and awkward for not feeling like she should. The fact its not cold makes it strange as well.

It made me think... expectations. Last year I still wanted the Christmas we'd always had and I couldn't have it. We had got back from a family holiday in Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Day itself. It had been a good holiday on the whole... we had booked it before the seperation and decided to make the most of it and go through with it. After presents, I went home... and well got very drunk because it hurt too much. I sobered up the next day some time.

This Christmas, I avoided thinking about it much... but I actually quite like it now. The expectations I had last year are gone. Thinking about it more clearly, they were based on things I remembered as a kid, being around my family and being wanted and happy. This never happened when I was married. Every year was the same, uptightness, stress, the ex getting upset by her family and feeling in the middle of it all and then finally kind of surviving the tenseness. Last year I had expectations for something that had never been there... so every year it was always going to be a disappointment.

This year. This year I've not expected anything. I've spoiled those I love and had a wonderful time choosing those special gifts just for very special people. I hope they enjoyed receiving them as much as I enjoyed giving them. I've got to see my boy lots. I will get to see my parents. So, my expectations have changed... and the Christmas I have now seems kind of nice. No big Christmas dinner, no big family thing, just little bits of time to be with those that matter to me. Kinda cool.

So tonight, I'm going to pamper myself. Cuddle up and watch tv. Bath. Shave. Look at the little bottle of nail varnish I bought today to spoil myself and *purrrrrrr*

Happy Christmas everyone.