When I asked for my collar (and for some reason I don't really think of it as having it back, it's different this time so in some ways as we are different people, its a new collar for a new time in a new way) I knew that it wasn't just a light and fluffy "oh I'm hers isn't this nice" kind of thing. I know it means responsibility. Yes it means care for me, being treasured, loved, protected, looked after but it's a two way thing and I know that asking for it means responsibility on my side. All the nice stuff. Looking after her. Looking out for her. Adoring her and stuff and helping her out. Protecting her. Yeah that kinda happens anyway though because, well I love her.
No, what it adds most on my side I think is the responsibility for what it means to be hers - which is dealing with things which keep me away from her. Physically. Emotionally. Looking after myself in what I eat, how I am, when I am ill. Dealing with things I struggle with and facing them and trying to get past them and not running away. Being honest. Not hiding things. Working on them. Of course the advantage is I have my friend on my side and I know she loves me foibles and all and in the end she wants me to be happier because its good for me. So uncomfortable it maybe but I can be honest and she will be honest back with the hard truths and I can trust what she says.
So I feel that again. Responsibility for how I am. That I am accountable for my actions and my behaviour and what I do. It reflects on her and also it affects how much she gets to enjoy me. I want to be a happy, balanced, responsible pup so she can enjoy me and not worry or be distracted. That she may point out things which distract her from enjoying me and will expect me to deal with them as best I can.
*smiles* thats a funny thing. The weight of a collar. I guess I like having a puppy collar for that reason, it's thick, it has a certain heft to it. It has prescence. I am not trying to make it sound like a burden, it's not. But it's not just happy airy feelings and the weight of the collar makes me feel the seriousness of the descision made. Makes me feel the permamence of it. It also reminds me of the strength of the bond and the promise behind it and the security it provides.
Hmmm no this is not the blog I intended to write, it just kinda happened by itself. Weird huh?
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Ah, my closest friend of many years married after 23 yrs with the guy -- and even made him divorce first, if you can picture it. HE wasn't sure that first marriage was even legal, but she didn't care. She wanted it legal, period. So more power to her!
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