This is proving to be, shall we say, a trying time. That's two day's I've been pretty down. I know what kicked it off yesterday, my dear landlady who is due back tomorrow night hasn't been too well and it was looking like she was going to end up in hospital and not be able to come back for the week. I was worried sick about her, missing her and generally disappointed too. That really hit me. She is so dear to me, its been 6 months since I've seen her, I so want to see her but also... I just don't want anything to happen to her. I know she's suffered quite a bit recently.
Besides that, things just feel so much harder. I feel apathetic. I find it hard to concentrate, even harder than before. It's like my brain is so fuzzy I can't think properly. Everything feels muted and distant. I could just stare off into space if I didn't force myself to do something. All my feelings seem muffled and deadened.
Sexually and emotionally I am pretty much dead. What used to make me aroused now just gives me a little stir. If I do get aroused that feeling fades quickly. I still react to Ma`am but not with the same intensity. I get hard, but not as hard. I soften quicker. Things my Owner says which used to make me just shiver (like good boy) now give me a quiet content soft smile instead. It's that kind of change. So I feel rather flat. I don't really have any interest in cumming except when she pushes me, I will see how that goes. If it stays like that, in awhile then I will have a chat with her about my play days and see if they should stop for now and just let it be when she wants me.
Maybe change them to something else, something that works better and adjust to these changes.
In the week, when I was given the opportunity to play and cum I was more interested in dressing up and looking pretty, and feeling pretty. I just didn't have the interest in going beyond that. If things don't settle then I will talk with her about maybe allowing a softer pleasure
on those nights, like that.
I've been feeling today like the changes so far have not made me feel any better, they've just robbed me of the things that made life worth living. The joys, the intensities. The down is still there, but the ups have gone. I know its still early days, I know that it won't be
for a few weeks I start to see any benefits, and I hope then some of the downsides fade. Patience.
It keeps feeling that I've broken her toy with this pill. Its hard to explain that, basically that my reactions are so deadened, so muffled, that I can't be the toy for her I was. Can't respond in the same ways. I'm not even sure I can get to that intensity of subspace now. That's a bad, negative reaction though, one from that feeling of loss. The reality is she still cares and has the same affection for me she always had. Our relationship was based on friendship a long
long time before it became sexual or I became hers. Puppy's are creatures that love and adore their owner's and I can and will still do that with passion. I may not be quite the slut I was anymore but I still have a lot more to give her. I am still hers.
Maybe I've always gone from highs to lows too much and back again, and I need to lose some of those highs too to even out the lows, and find some gentle medium. A gentle pup. Maybe, at the moment it feels like a loss, and it feels like a struggle and an effort to keep going. I
have my plan though and I will stick to it. Doctors appointment on the 4th April, talk it over with her. Then I will give it to the two months mark to review how I am, to discuss with people that know me.
Hopefully by then I'll have seen an improvement, have seen the benefits. If the benefits don't outweigh the costs... then I will ask to come off it. Not because it failed, but simply because the cost is too high. I said I would try this and invest in it and I will, but I will do it typically pragmatically and with a goal in mind. This is not *the* answer, its supposed to make it easier for me to move past where I am now. If it just stops life being enjoyable then its not for
me. The temptation is there just to hide away because its just so much effort to do anything at the moment.
At the moment I am feeling a bit in two minds about Thunder now. I really can't feel much so can't really see the point in it. I guess that fear I won't be able to feel the same way again, that that part of me is gone now before I really managed to explore it. The drive is gone, the desire to feel, to be hurt, to be touched, its just dead. There is time still, but thats something thats on my mind as it's something I was so looking forward to. Just another thing to record, to see where I was when I look back.
Some bright sparks though. My Owner, caring, affectionate, always there to hold me and want me no matter what. If I can make her day happier in anyway then its enough. Tracy, dear Tracy. Where would I be without you my friend? I am not quite sure how I was lucky enough to run into you (or brave enough to post that pic which dragged your attention ;-), but damn that bit of luck makes up for the bad ones. My ever patient friend Jolie, willing to listen to this pup ramble in circles and try and make sense of all the changes going on in his head.
The final one, a new gift to me. A new friend who I was lucky enough to get to know and then lucky enough to be around when she started DJing on an internet radio station again. She's reminded me how much music moves you, and how much passion you can find in listening to it even when you feel like nothing can get through to you. It's been a very precious gift. Thankyou.
Besides that, things just feel so much harder. I feel apathetic. I find it hard to concentrate, even harder than before. It's like my brain is so fuzzy I can't think properly. Everything feels muted and distant. I could just stare off into space if I didn't force myself to do something. All my feelings seem muffled and deadened.
Sexually and emotionally I am pretty much dead. What used to make me aroused now just gives me a little stir. If I do get aroused that feeling fades quickly. I still react to Ma`am but not with the same intensity. I get hard, but not as hard. I soften quicker. Things my Owner says which used to make me just shiver (like good boy) now give me a quiet content soft smile instead. It's that kind of change. So I feel rather flat. I don't really have any interest in cumming except when she pushes me, I will see how that goes. If it stays like that, in awhile then I will have a chat with her about my play days and see if they should stop for now and just let it be when she wants me.
Maybe change them to something else, something that works better and adjust to these changes.
In the week, when I was given the opportunity to play and cum I was more interested in dressing up and looking pretty, and feeling pretty. I just didn't have the interest in going beyond that. If things don't settle then I will talk with her about maybe allowing a softer pleasure
on those nights, like that.
I've been feeling today like the changes so far have not made me feel any better, they've just robbed me of the things that made life worth living. The joys, the intensities. The down is still there, but the ups have gone. I know its still early days, I know that it won't be
for a few weeks I start to see any benefits, and I hope then some of the downsides fade. Patience.
It keeps feeling that I've broken her toy with this pill. Its hard to explain that, basically that my reactions are so deadened, so muffled, that I can't be the toy for her I was. Can't respond in the same ways. I'm not even sure I can get to that intensity of subspace now. That's a bad, negative reaction though, one from that feeling of loss. The reality is she still cares and has the same affection for me she always had. Our relationship was based on friendship a long
long time before it became sexual or I became hers. Puppy's are creatures that love and adore their owner's and I can and will still do that with passion. I may not be quite the slut I was anymore but I still have a lot more to give her. I am still hers.
Maybe I've always gone from highs to lows too much and back again, and I need to lose some of those highs too to even out the lows, and find some gentle medium. A gentle pup. Maybe, at the moment it feels like a loss, and it feels like a struggle and an effort to keep going. I
have my plan though and I will stick to it. Doctors appointment on the 4th April, talk it over with her. Then I will give it to the two months mark to review how I am, to discuss with people that know me.
Hopefully by then I'll have seen an improvement, have seen the benefits. If the benefits don't outweigh the costs... then I will ask to come off it. Not because it failed, but simply because the cost is too high. I said I would try this and invest in it and I will, but I will do it typically pragmatically and with a goal in mind. This is not *the* answer, its supposed to make it easier for me to move past where I am now. If it just stops life being enjoyable then its not for
me. The temptation is there just to hide away because its just so much effort to do anything at the moment.
At the moment I am feeling a bit in two minds about Thunder now. I really can't feel much so can't really see the point in it. I guess that fear I won't be able to feel the same way again, that that part of me is gone now before I really managed to explore it. The drive is gone, the desire to feel, to be hurt, to be touched, its just dead. There is time still, but thats something thats on my mind as it's something I was so looking forward to. Just another thing to record, to see where I was when I look back.
Some bright sparks though. My Owner, caring, affectionate, always there to hold me and want me no matter what. If I can make her day happier in anyway then its enough. Tracy, dear Tracy. Where would I be without you my friend? I am not quite sure how I was lucky enough to run into you (or brave enough to post that pic which dragged your attention ;-), but damn that bit of luck makes up for the bad ones. My ever patient friend Jolie, willing to listen to this pup ramble in circles and try and make sense of all the changes going on in his head.
The final one, a new gift to me. A new friend who I was lucky enough to get to know and then lucky enough to be around when she started DJing on an internet radio station again. She's reminded me how much music moves you, and how much passion you can find in listening to it even when you feel like nothing can get through to you. It's been a very precious gift. Thankyou.
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