Darkness, fears, depression

I had a very hard conversation with ScarlettRose this morning. Probably one that was overdue but, I guess everything has its time. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to say the opening words to something, that I need to seize an opportunity as otherwise something screams silently at the back of my mind. I also find that many bad things just dissipate and you think did I really think that, did I really feel like that? It becomes like a bad dream and you think nah, it wasn't like that. Its only in the moment can you really capture it.

It's pretty hard to write this now too, my instinctive reaction is to clamp down on things, well its even more than instinctive, its kind of automatic and I build a wall between me and others and much as I want to, I just can't talk. Thats pretty frustrating to say the least... There is also that fear, how will people react? Hell, I know how I think about the inside of my own head at times. If you show those deepest darkest moments how will people see you? Will they go "omg" and run off scared. Will they carefully keep you at arms length in a box marked "fragile" and humour you? Will they watch, over cautious about what they say just in case you react badly? Will they treat you differently? Will they just not know what to say? Will you spoil their day? Will they go, oh no not again, aren't you over that by now? Will they get tired of you or see you as over-needy?

Will you, in fact, spoil something wonderful.

I had a bad night sleeping, I was pretty tired as it was from waking up early from the previous night, so by 9pm I was shattered. I actually fell asleep next to the boy and then went into the other room about midnight after he had kicked the hell out of me. Then about 1.30am awake and unable to sleep and having a rough time, one of my darker moments when all the things I try and keep a lid on normally come out. Maybe its not such a bad thing, I get into the habit of telling myself I'm ok that you begin to think how you feel is normal. These times when you just can't keep a lid on it are frankly, hell, but they remind you that something needs to change and this isn't how things should be. They were the thoughts of the worst, of the running away from her, of asking for release. Thoughts of much worse, the ones that have plagued me from a teenager, of running away from everything. Step by step thoughts of what I would do, to just stop the hurting inside, without impacting anyone, without hurting others. Thoughts that there really is no hope and this is how I am, that there can be no change as its just me. Thoughts I use to hurt myself. Not things I would intend to do, never could do. But things my mind uses to stab at itself, to dig, to cut. To hurt myself. To punish myself for being me. To make myself feel something. To deaden myself. Old bad depths.

I've hinted, suggested, what I do in my head sometimes but never said. Never been in that moment I was still there on the edge of one mood and into another. So I grabbed it and spilled. My darkest secret thoughts which I had held back from her. I was so scared, scared of the look in her face, the realisation of "oh no, this is how he is". The kid gloves being put on. That she would misunderstand and think this was how I really felt rather than what it is, a darkness which drags me down and I try try try to fight against. That she would fear I really would be capable of the things I think at times. That I really wanted to die, rather than it being a desperate thought of running away. But, I didn't want to be alone in fighting this battle anymore, I didn't want to hold back and fear the reaction. I promised everything and that means everything.

I do get very depressed at times, its not a nice thing to admit. I go through cycles of ups and downs and sometimes they seem to start coming so fast my head spins and I don't know where I am. Thats kind of how I am at the moment and my head is whirling. Its insidious, it's debilitating. I get to the point I don't even know what I am thinking. I become paralysed by it, I start to get anxious, over nervous, jittery. Whats bothering me? Thats the bitch of it, I just dont know. I dont even know if there is something wrong. I am not sleeping well, that makes me tired, that makes me more prone to it, but then being down makes me more prone to being anxious, which makes me stressed, which makes me sleep badly which makes... They all feel like vicious circles at the moment each feeding the other. I know I have had bad mood swings from up and down since I was about 18. Well thats when I remember them from, when they got bad. Sometimes it goes... sometimes it gets worse. Is it just me? I used to think so, that I should just be able to handle things and what was wrong with me. That is kind of half my life though.

I know certain things haven't helped. I am not making excuses here, we are all in charge of ourselves... but I kinda know why I am like I am. In fact I am pretty self-aware and know why I am where I am now in a lot of ways, but that doesn't really help stop you doing it and change it. As a kid I had an awkward tummy condition that meant my bowels were on a completely different schedule to everyone elses... Like every couple of weeks. This led to high irritability, being poorly a lot as that built up inside and I guess slowly poisoned me. So, I had to have medicine a couple of times a day to help ease the pain and try and make me more regular. This led to unfortunate accidents at times as well as not being able to have lunch at school as I had to go home. Also unpleasent things, having to have my tummy washed out in hospital. Being a 10 year old being held down by your mum as she had to administer suppositories and you screamed at her in agony.

I grew out of it (thankfully), but I know it left me with that feeling of being different. Of being seperate from others. I also remember being constantly told as a kid that I had to keep it a secret. The emphasis always on being a secret. To protect me, of course, as kids can be so cruel. But keep things secret. Keep that distance. Keep apart. So thats where I am still. Seperate. Feeling different. Add onto that my marriage, where we both had our issues and it unfortunately ended up with her anger problems leading to emotional and physical abuse. So years where your most loved one tells you how boring you are, how shit you are, how much they hate you touching them. The physical hurts don't hurt or linger as much. Especially when you were used to saying those things to you anyway. Maybe thats part of the reason I stayed so long, I was ready to believe it.

I cycle through depression, the highs and lows. In the lows I think thats its. In the highs I wonder how I could possibly consider that... everything is possible. I've blogged for a fair time now, since last August and its helped get some of those thoughts out, but still my head spins and the thoughts run too fast. The counselling helped before, especially sorting out some of the things going on at the time. I don't want to keep like this though. I know I am capable of more. Not just because Mistress believes in me. Thats... an anchor, but thats not the only reason. I am respected at work. I have the most adorable son. There are some special people that seem to see more in me.

I hate the fact this part of me overwhelms me and drags me down. Stops me being what I can be. I hate the fact that admitting this part of me is there might make people think i am unstable and so make it harder to keep exploring all those fun things which are possible now.

At times I can't see that I've changed at all since I remember this first was there. Last night, in the middle of the night I couldnt see the difference between me then, back as a teenager and me now. Thats an insidious lie though and I won't believe it, I can't believe it. I must have changed since then, I've done things... I know I am no way near as angry as I was back then, or even when I was at married. I no longer blame others for my frustrations, ok so maybe I still take them out on myself but I don't flare up at others. I'm comfortable with my body. Things have changed even though it can be so very hard to believe it. I am not just going through the same thing over and over.

I want more. I don't want answers though, I don't want solutions, I just want the space in my head to stop going up and down and feeling so out of control at times, so that I can get on with trying to find the things I enjoy in living, to be what I can be capable of. To not get paralysed by it and swamped. So tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with the doctor and see what they say. This scares me, what if they don't understand? What if I do my normal logical rationalisation? I think I am at the point I know I can do things, but my mood swings and changes just paralyse me. I am kind of ready to accept that if they suggest anti-depressents this isn't a bad thing or a weakness but just a chance to give myself a better chance of starting from an even keel since I *know* what I need to do, thats to live, its just being swamped by everything else as I sink into the depths of hopelessness.

I am scared though. All change is risk of failure or rejection, but again, the only way to lose is to stay still.