Where to start.
I screwed up last night and now I have to write about it. To try and learn from my mistake to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Monday nights are one of my two play nights. I know what I am supposed to do, its been long enough. I know how its suposed to be. I mean it may have changed subtly over time, built up what can and can't be, but I know. So there are no excuses for not doing it except being lazy and having a lack of self-control.
Last night I got home from work. I had put her to bed while I was on the train. That was a pleasure, as always, just to hear her getting sleepier as her words get further apart til the final "goodnight pet". When I was at home I had chatted briefly with a friend going through a hard time and then went out in the garden to continue tidying up. I came in about 7pm, when it got dark. I'd planned last night to make the cock mould I was supposed to be making, so I found some bottles to fill up with water to let it cool down to room temperature. This is supposedly a crucial part of the process. I sat down and chatted for awhile with a friend, a very dear dear friend and we talked through my blog and the fear I had had when I was writing it. She is a dear friend of my Owner and so she could feel the fear in the start. That was nice, her company is always welcome and frankly left me aroused. So, I decided to see if I could get "hard" enough to make the cock mould worthwhile. When I get an erection I know that the level of arousal and tiredness and everything else makes a difference between just quite how hard and big I get. For the mould I wanted it to be really good and to know that I could keep it like that for the time needed. I know there is a fair chunk on my mind so I thought I would see. So I stroked myself and it was, of course, lovely. I thought to myself I'll just do this a little to see, then go check the water was ok, I had dinner to finish and make and then i could go play properly. I was pretty wet as well, it felt lovely and I admit I love the feel of it. I loved it too much. I shouldn't have touched at all. I definitely shouldnt have been enjoying it like that, without the Aneros in or my collar on.
A friend popped up and we said hi a little and then she completely pissed me off. I'd asked about her day and she told me, it was pretty bad and then she asked how I was holding up. I said I was ok, just watching tv and stuff. So she "well I care about ya know, in case ya forgot". This just made me flip. Such biting sarcasm. She said she felt me shutting her out, that she had asked yesterday what was up and I'd just said this and that (I had spent the morning pouring my heart out to my Owner and then the evening writing for two hours and been left completely numb). She said I wanted to know about her but wasn't telling her anything about me.
Everything about me I write here, or I give to my Owner. I am sorry but, I have to live in my head at times, I don't want to have to keep reliving it. I am so grateful for the support people offer me and friendship, but I don't want to feel like some case that has to disclose how they are feeling all the time to everyone, sometimes I just want to live, just to be with friends and to care about them. I have to live in my head long enough as it is. I want the space to know I can come to friends if I need them, and they give me that open armed acceptence. I don't want to feel pestered into telling them things that need to be said. So I flipped at her and said I had to live in my frigging head and was surviving as best as I could.
She said it was ok to share. I said I have nothing left to share. So she told me of course I do.
Damn patronisation. Telling me what I did or didn't have. As if its not confusing enough as it is? As if its not hard enough to try and work out whats going on in my head, whats real, whats imagined, what I want, what I need? As if I don't have enough self-doubt as it is? I am sorry, I really don't need that.
So I lost it, and then she asked if I had made an appointment with the doctors. I know she was being well meaning and trying to calm the waters, but it just had the opposite effect for me. I just felt pushed, pushed to give more, to say more on something thats there in my head anyway and worrying me. So I said, said goodnight to her and left.
I was shaking.
I walked around a little, looked at the time, I hadn't eaten still yet and it was getting late. So I started to play again, to get hard, to stroke, and it felt lovely again. I got so carried away in it, pushing to the edge I just didn't think. Thats it really, I didn't think. Obedience is so much about thinking and self-control and I had neither of those. I leaked, I just sat there lost in it and forgot everything and pushed myself too far and went over the edge. I sat there after licking up my cum as I'm supposed to and had wordless "oh no what did you just do" to myself. I sat for a few minutes just feeling cold. The first thing I saw was my collar sitting on the table, with the little tag saying "owned by ScarlettRose" facing me accusingly and I felt so bad. Not beating myself up bad, I know thats wrong. Its tempting, but its also too easy. Thats just not admitting what I did or facing it. This was just the disappointment in myself and knowing how disappointed she would be feeling.
So I wrote her an email immediately, telling her what I had done. No excuses, just that it was wrong and I was sorry.
I sat for a bit, feeling cold and numb. It was getting a little late then, I hadn't eaten yet so I went and cooked. I wasn't hungry, I really felt like just going to bed, but I hadn't eaten and I wasn't going to make things worse by blowing everything else I had promised to do. It was very tempting just to go to bed and try and sleep, to go "you've screwed it up" and just blow it completely, but I didn't want to. Two wrongs do not make a write and I didn't want to do that. So I made myself eat. I answered a few blog comments as best I could. People put real effort into reaching out to me and they deserved to be thanked and answered. I am sorry if the replies were a little cold, I am truly appreciative that you opened yourselves for me, it is just so touching. I just wasn't in a great place to gush, but believe me, the sentiment is there behind it and people do amaze me. But I did want to say thankyou and show how much they were appreciated.
A friend popped up online and offered me a playful scritch behind the ears. I declined politely as i knew I didn't deserve it, and that I would be in limbo til I saw Ma`am again. It was hard to pull away and not pretend all was ok, but that would have been wrong. This friend is a good woman and she understood, and understood my reasons behind it and didn't take it as a rejection. I am pretty lucky.
Then my memo's. I was going to answer them last night but that was definitely not right. It was about 10.30pm by then, and I decided they should wait. I wasn't in the right place to be chatting with others, I was in the waiting place and reflecting.
So now, its just before 6am. I slept unsettled, pretty much as usual but gave up just after 5am to face the consequences. She wanted me to write this, to explain my thoughts and feelings and I hope I have been as honest and complete as I can. There is no excuse, it was just laziness and lack of self-control.
I know one thing though, I never ever want to touch myself again without my collar on unless she directly orders me to.
I screwed up last night and now I have to write about it. To try and learn from my mistake to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Monday nights are one of my two play nights. I know what I am supposed to do, its been long enough. I know how its suposed to be. I mean it may have changed subtly over time, built up what can and can't be, but I know. So there are no excuses for not doing it except being lazy and having a lack of self-control.
Last night I got home from work. I had put her to bed while I was on the train. That was a pleasure, as always, just to hear her getting sleepier as her words get further apart til the final "goodnight pet". When I was at home I had chatted briefly with a friend going through a hard time and then went out in the garden to continue tidying up. I came in about 7pm, when it got dark. I'd planned last night to make the cock mould I was supposed to be making, so I found some bottles to fill up with water to let it cool down to room temperature. This is supposedly a crucial part of the process. I sat down and chatted for awhile with a friend, a very dear dear friend and we talked through my blog and the fear I had had when I was writing it. She is a dear friend of my Owner and so she could feel the fear in the start. That was nice, her company is always welcome and frankly left me aroused. So, I decided to see if I could get "hard" enough to make the cock mould worthwhile. When I get an erection I know that the level of arousal and tiredness and everything else makes a difference between just quite how hard and big I get. For the mould I wanted it to be really good and to know that I could keep it like that for the time needed. I know there is a fair chunk on my mind so I thought I would see. So I stroked myself and it was, of course, lovely. I thought to myself I'll just do this a little to see, then go check the water was ok, I had dinner to finish and make and then i could go play properly. I was pretty wet as well, it felt lovely and I admit I love the feel of it. I loved it too much. I shouldn't have touched at all. I definitely shouldnt have been enjoying it like that, without the Aneros in or my collar on.
A friend popped up and we said hi a little and then she completely pissed me off. I'd asked about her day and she told me, it was pretty bad and then she asked how I was holding up. I said I was ok, just watching tv and stuff. So she "well I care about ya know, in case ya forgot". This just made me flip. Such biting sarcasm. She said she felt me shutting her out, that she had asked yesterday what was up and I'd just said this and that (I had spent the morning pouring my heart out to my Owner and then the evening writing for two hours and been left completely numb). She said I wanted to know about her but wasn't telling her anything about me.
Everything about me I write here, or I give to my Owner. I am sorry but, I have to live in my head at times, I don't want to have to keep reliving it. I am so grateful for the support people offer me and friendship, but I don't want to feel like some case that has to disclose how they are feeling all the time to everyone, sometimes I just want to live, just to be with friends and to care about them. I have to live in my head long enough as it is. I want the space to know I can come to friends if I need them, and they give me that open armed acceptence. I don't want to feel pestered into telling them things that need to be said. So I flipped at her and said I had to live in my frigging head and was surviving as best as I could.
She said it was ok to share. I said I have nothing left to share. So she told me of course I do.
Damn patronisation. Telling me what I did or didn't have. As if its not confusing enough as it is? As if its not hard enough to try and work out whats going on in my head, whats real, whats imagined, what I want, what I need? As if I don't have enough self-doubt as it is? I am sorry, I really don't need that.
So I lost it, and then she asked if I had made an appointment with the doctors. I know she was being well meaning and trying to calm the waters, but it just had the opposite effect for me. I just felt pushed, pushed to give more, to say more on something thats there in my head anyway and worrying me. So I said, said goodnight to her and left.
I was shaking.
I walked around a little, looked at the time, I hadn't eaten still yet and it was getting late. So I started to play again, to get hard, to stroke, and it felt lovely again. I got so carried away in it, pushing to the edge I just didn't think. Thats it really, I didn't think. Obedience is so much about thinking and self-control and I had neither of those. I leaked, I just sat there lost in it and forgot everything and pushed myself too far and went over the edge. I sat there after licking up my cum as I'm supposed to and had wordless "oh no what did you just do" to myself. I sat for a few minutes just feeling cold. The first thing I saw was my collar sitting on the table, with the little tag saying "owned by ScarlettRose" facing me accusingly and I felt so bad. Not beating myself up bad, I know thats wrong. Its tempting, but its also too easy. Thats just not admitting what I did or facing it. This was just the disappointment in myself and knowing how disappointed she would be feeling.
So I wrote her an email immediately, telling her what I had done. No excuses, just that it was wrong and I was sorry.
I sat for a bit, feeling cold and numb. It was getting a little late then, I hadn't eaten yet so I went and cooked. I wasn't hungry, I really felt like just going to bed, but I hadn't eaten and I wasn't going to make things worse by blowing everything else I had promised to do. It was very tempting just to go to bed and try and sleep, to go "you've screwed it up" and just blow it completely, but I didn't want to. Two wrongs do not make a write and I didn't want to do that. So I made myself eat. I answered a few blog comments as best I could. People put real effort into reaching out to me and they deserved to be thanked and answered. I am sorry if the replies were a little cold, I am truly appreciative that you opened yourselves for me, it is just so touching. I just wasn't in a great place to gush, but believe me, the sentiment is there behind it and people do amaze me. But I did want to say thankyou and show how much they were appreciated.
A friend popped up online and offered me a playful scritch behind the ears. I declined politely as i knew I didn't deserve it, and that I would be in limbo til I saw Ma`am again. It was hard to pull away and not pretend all was ok, but that would have been wrong. This friend is a good woman and she understood, and understood my reasons behind it and didn't take it as a rejection. I am pretty lucky.
Then my memo's. I was going to answer them last night but that was definitely not right. It was about 10.30pm by then, and I decided they should wait. I wasn't in the right place to be chatting with others, I was in the waiting place and reflecting.
So now, its just before 6am. I slept unsettled, pretty much as usual but gave up just after 5am to face the consequences. She wanted me to write this, to explain my thoughts and feelings and I hope I have been as honest and complete as I can. There is no excuse, it was just laziness and lack of self-control.
I know one thing though, I never ever want to touch myself again without my collar on unless she directly orders me to.
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