Bodies

I should call this blog "a matter of perspective". That seems to be a common theme. I had a torrid night, I'll write about that in a bit. I don't really want to write about that, its not a part of me I am proud of... but when I first started this I promised myself I would just write what was, no matter how it hurt, or how I didn't want to look at it or how I would worry how people saw me. This blog has always been about my headspace and has never been about wanting sympathy or oh look at me or wanting attention. Its for me and me alone, to ground myself, to give myself a sense of reality and perspective on my own thoughts. A mirror.

First though this morning. Its the weirdest thing. After another bad night sleeping I was walking from the station into work, thinking. I guess most of the bad thoughts had already come out by then and some sense of calm or resignedness was settling in, so I was just kind of idly poking around inside my head to see what was there. I was thinking about how I saw myself and I think, just a week before my 35th birthday, I realised I've actually finally come to like my body. This was a bit of a shock as I guess its been such a gradual thing it's crept upto on me. There were so many years where I disliked looking in a mirror or avoided looking at myself undressed. So many years where it got to me when people would talk about feeding me up or about being too skinny. So many years of getting quietly angry inside when kids would make comments as I walked down the street (yes, they still do sometimes).

I remembered Maddy asking in her blog (hey darlin btw, love you too) what part of ourselves we loved most and at the time I said my bum (as it is kinda nice I think). Now I think I have to say I actually like all of me. I am not skinny, I am slim. I am not gawky and awkward I am co-ordinated enough to do what I need to do. My legs aren't bandy or stick thin, they are tight and muscled. I am not too white or ill looking, I am just pale and that accents my slimness. I am not weak, I am just not overly muscled in ways that would look odd on my frame. I am not underweight, I am the natural weight for my body at this time in my life, the weight it wants to be at. I am not ugly, I have a face that shows how I feel and a smile that lights it up. My voice isn't too high, it's expressive and can't hide whats inside me. Yes... I get worn down pretty easily, yes when I am stressed or unwell I suffer from acne but so do many others. Its just a physiological fact and nothing to really get hung up about.

I like how I look. I really do. Let's not talk about my complete lack of fashion-sense. I like how I look underneath that. I am most comfortable naked as its just how I am. This week talking with a new friend helped me click all this into place. We were talking and she addressed probably the last thing I hadn't quite got into the right perspective. I think my attitude had slowly been changing thanks to things others had said, the seeds had all been sown. But she opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and now I'm finally content with it. I made that leap from kind of understanding and accepting others saw things differently to me, to actually seeing it differently myself. So. Another demon put to rest. It was an important moment, and I think I realise quite how important it was in hindsight now.

It felt good. Especially after the night. A week before my birthday and I find somehow in the last year I've grown to like my body without even really seeing the change or knowing how it happened. Sometimes I get despondent of how can I ever change, I mean after 34 years like this... is there really a chance to change how we think? Isn't this just me and how I am?

Somehow... someway I find something I never thought possible HAS changed, without me even knowing it. That has to give you hope, doesn't it? I know it's made me feel a lot happier and more content despite the other side. Kinda that its just another thing to get in its place, give it time... give it time.