Final interviews

I am so very very very tired. The fact IE ate my first beautifully written exposition as I hit "post" doesn't do much to dissipate that. Some days I just hate computers. I could growl more about "I told you so's" except she was right and I am now writing this in an email instead of the browser. Hey I've only been working with these things for 20 years, what do I know? These things never sound right the second time though.

I had to work late last night, still restoring that pesky server which was a grumble, but I was so tired by time I got home from work I gave myself a little break before I started. I'm glad I did, I was hurting and not really in a fit state to start work without making mistakes or hurting more. She tells me she receives everything she wants, and I do trust that even if I can't see it, but I see so much more easily how much she gives me. How much she understands, watches, listens, hears, even if she doesn't say. Last night she saw and made me relax. Left me in a happy relaxed puddly pool of puppy in fact *purrrrrr*. Fortunately that gave me a second wind to get on and get some work done with a vague degree of success, even if it took a lot longer than it would have done if I wasn't so tired.

This morning I had my final interview. It was very strange but productive and I am definitely staying put. A research place, very academic yet the most professional interview I had. A panel interview, very smartly designed technical questioning that I will use if I ever have to interview. It was a good experience. I know I didn't have the skillset they were seeking (linux and performance tuning are not my strong points, I've worked mainly on Solaris for the last 5 years) but I went along just to learn a little more how these things are done and to be more prepared if I ever really wanted to. The job itself would suit a geek a few years out of Uni, happy to take the relatively low salary. I think I would find it frustrating, each academic bid leading to its own admin staff and ways of doing things. Useful experience for the interview and also very useful to know that yes, I really am used to working for the big corporates now.

I showed what a total klutz I was on the way there, I was really lucky not to have an accident but in hindsight it was kinda funny. My sat nav fell off the windscreen and I watched it fall in a graceful arc til it hit my gear selector (i drive an automatic) knocking it out of drive into neutral. In instinctive (stupid) reaction I dive for it, missing, knocking it into reverse. While the car is moving forward. That was quite an impressive grinding noise. How quickly I stopped and switched the engine off to hide all the big red lights was even more impressive. It seems ok but... I think it made my mind up, this car is gonna go. *grin* just the kind of thing to put you in a relaxed mood for an interview :). Not quite as much as not actually expecting to want the job, I admit. That seems a better way to do it.

So. I stay put, but I am glad to have a week off to let that idea settle. Hell I am just glad to have a week off at the moment I really need it as I am tired, tired to the point of exhaustion. That horrible black cloud is lurking there snapping and trying to bite so I'm kicking it away and looking forward to this week ahead. Its half-term break so a whole week with my son. We intend to do some day trips and some time around the house. It should be great, no matter the weather. My landlady comes back tomorrow too for the last time before she moves, so hectic as hell but a good good time. Just finished tidying the house ready for her *grin* just need to hoover and thats it! That can wait til tomorrow though. In fact after this blog everything will wait til tomorrow!

Just one last thing to write about. This morning she surprised me, well left me speechless. We were chatting this morning while I was getting ready to go for the interview and she just casually threw into the conversation that I was going to buy myself a dog bowl. I didn't quite know what to say or to think, so I just gawped a little and went very submissively quiet. Yes I'm a pup and I love scampering around and being playful and I think I've made it clear about my tail and what that means but... I've never understood or really had a desire to take it further, when she mentioned that though. I can't really explain the mindset. If I think of the bowl I go all coldly analytical and dispassionate and stop feeling. So instead I've just let it linger at the back of my mind where it sort of has made a hole to sit in. If I brush my gaze over that thought in my mind I feel a little light headed, tight chested, I can feel the hairs on my arms individually, my skin feeling cold chills and yet burning, crawling, a breeze when there is none and then my toes want to curl and my mind goes quiet and I want to stretch and roll up all at once. I don't understand it, except, I can feel her and her mind and her will and that becomes all that matters. This is so outside of my experience, so outside my understanding and I guess being pushed out of my nice spoilt safe comfort zone. I feel like I am falling but I know I will be caught, just don't know when or how. Its kind of scary, but in a wonderful way. All over such a simple thing? So much of how I am now I don't think about as it has become part of my basic needs and desires. Yes, I feel like a slut inside and my desires are so strong in some directions they get brought up with a simple prod, but they just feel so much part of me now they've been awakened, they are like second nature. This though, this is something totally different. I know its hard to understand the relationship in an online collaring. One day I may write a blog trying to explain, explain what she means to me, explain the whys and whats. Then again, I don't think I could ever do her justice, pin down the so many very facets of her that make her the amazing Lady she is, friend, confident, Owner, so much more, and in the end its that. Its about her and what she deserves. I am a very very lucky pup.

I'm not happy with this blog, the first one sounded better, was much mushier and much more how I felt but... I am tired and now bed.

What I am though, is proud owner of my very first bowl bought from the store on the way home from work.

*shivers*