Learning slowly

A very special friend and I had our first... hmmm not falling out but I guess chasm in how we were talking yesterday.

A time when we were both speaking in tongues and while it looked like we were both speaking English we were talking very different languages from different perspectives. This was through no fault of either of us, neither was being bitchy, upset, cross, mad or not trying. Just one of those things where things just don't seem to gel and I think both of us came away feeling dissatisfied with how things ended up. It's not a nice feeling when you are used to things not even having to be said most of the time.

I know, for me, something that was said brought up demons I didn't know I had. There is no way she could know this, she wasn't trying to worry me, make me think, tell me a problem... anything. Just a very simple passing comment about something I know was WAY behind us that made me go "oh". Not because how she said it, not because of why, not because it happened even... just because I am used to reacting like that. This surprised me and yes, it put me in a bit of a bad place for a bit. I reacted because thats how I always reacted in that situation with my ex. I felt myself back in the place of "if the ex said this it was for THIS reason" and thats how I reacted to my good friend. I didn't react to her. I reacted to the past.

This is a bad thing... when you react not to the person you are with but to bad things way behind you.

This is a good thing. I didn't know this baggage was there with me. It caught me by surprise. When you think so many things are behind you, you just don't know where the little hurts and twitches are left behind. Its good to be reminded of them, to find them with someone you love and care for and trust. Someone that even if you go "ugh" and react badly you can trust in them and their reasons and hold onto that and move past it. Someone you know you can freak at slightly and they know its not because of them or what they did or meant, but because you have things to work through. Someone patient and loving and kind who wants the best for you.

So it was not the most comfortable conversation and I came away feeling a bit "blah" and dissatisfied, but I sat and thought about it for a little after. Looked at my reactions and why. Saw how tied up they were with my old ways and my ex and said "screw this, I dont want to behave like this" and put it behind me. Left the girl a voicemail being a lot more positive. Then, put it behind me as a "ok so that was really silly, lets not do that again". This is very not like me to be so quick to deal with something in my head and not sit and beat myself up. It really is a much better way.

I am very grateful for the chance to learn from her. I know we both have our demons from the past (who doesn't?) and I know she is as determined as me to make any mistakes we make as just us and not because of people before us. We will have ups, downs, misunderstanding, times when we get scared and worried and freak, times when we just enjoy. That's good and right and all part of keep building our relationship as US. So thankyou for letting me make mistakes and letting me learn from them and trusting me enough to know that thats what they are and how I feel doesnt change.

Wet weekends

The end of a very wet bank holiday weekend!

We went to the Surrey Country Show today which was... very wet and muddy. I'd forgotten to take my meds two days in a row and I have to admit I could feel the difference this morning. Impatient, irritable, definitely more negative thinking.

The boy had cubs all day on Sat (10am to 10pm) so I didn't see him and went round a friends to watch DVD's instead, which was nice, then sunday went round to the ex's so I could spend some time with the boy and make the most of the weekend.

But... I did notice how things about the ex started to bug me by this morning, especially as she was slightly impatient. By time we got to the show and started to walk around she was just bugging the hell out of me by how she was. So I gritted my teeth and tried not to let it get to me knowing that a) I didn't have to spend long with her and b) I knew I wasn't exactly at the most stable state. Nothing to write about now, its over and gone. Interesting to watch my reactions though and learn a little more about how being around her makes me feel.

We had fun though even though it was very very very wet and bitterly cold and the boy got a bit fed up by the end. The ex worked her way around by eating samples at every stall and talking to everyone. We managed to see just a little of the show-jumping but it was just TOO wet to stand and watch which was a shame.

Came away with some yummy food though... I blame both the meds and SR for infecting me with liking nice tastes.

So... In my freezer and fridge now are, in no particular order. Wensleydale and cranberry cheese. White stilton and apricot cheese. Cheese and onion bread. Cinammon and walnut bread. Whole grain bread. Beef and horseradish sausages. Pork and leak sausages. Pork and something that sounded yummy but i can't remember what it is now sausages. Organic blueberry preserve. Organic crunchy peanut butter preserve.

I think that'll just about do me for the week ;-).

Now though I am really looking forward to next weekend and having the boy to myself for a weekend - last weekend he had his drama/dance club show which was lovely to watch but again meant I didn't have him just to myself (he loved it though, one boy, 44 girls and he was so sweet to watch and got such a big awwww when he came on being the only boy!). I am going to ignore the week at work. Last week was pretty bad but not something I want to bring up again now that its gone.

Annoyed BSAFH

So,

I am rather annoyed. Let's ignore the fact that someone blew away a server by moving stuff around without thinking about it. This happens, and you know its part of the game we are in. Of course the real sin was listening to a user and what they told them to do, as opposed to thinking about it and interpreting it and seeing what they wanted and what the correct way of doing it was, as opposed to just following instructions. That's what makes a sysadmin as opposed to an operator.

These things happen, and you laugh and joke about it and fix it. I've rebuilt the server and am having issues getting it to see external storage, but again, thats part of the business. What HAS annoyed me though is that even though this server is recorded as being down and being worked on... they've reinstalled the application. OK.. first time... over zealous mistake. I rebuilt it again to retest something and came in this morning to find they've done it AGAIN! Worse than that, our 2nd line team even logged in and made them directories to do it in, installed a compiler on the box just after I had rebuilt it! This is so very annoying and now i've locked them out the box completely. What bugs me most is even if this were a "live" box and ready to have stuff deployed on it, they shouldn't just be creating directories like this anyway and letting users put stuff in the OS's filesytems!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

rm -rf /users/directory/take/that/you/son/of/a

Falling to pieces

Tired after working overnight past 2am the last two nights, but surprisingly not as bad as I had expected. It seems to work a bit better coming home, doing some stuff and eating and then napping about 8pm til I have to work - even though it's been a real struggle to wake up and think straight then while working! Then back to work for 7.45am the next morning to try and keep in my my normal cycle. I've probably been getting as much sleep as normal... lol, I seem good humoured anyway which is a bonus!

I'm getting very achey though. I must be getting old. I've put on about 3pound in the last week or two (i'll blame the meds) so my tummy feels bloated and hurts (this is the heaviest I've ever been now), and my fingers and wrist and elbow on my right hand have one of those annoying deep aches that makes you think IT is bad for you...

Yup, falling to pieces!

Extreme needle play

I had to relieve some stress at work, and I am afraid Dilbert's friend Wally volunteered for some rather extreme needle play. I think he was left smiling though, it's hard to tell..

I showed this to a couple of my friends. I am not sure if it says something about them or me that universally it wasn't the fact I skewered Wally that worried them... it's that I had made it so symmetrical...

Alcohol

Had a pretty blah day yesterday. More than flat, pretty down to the level of not really wanting to be around people. It left me feeling more than a little scared that things were going back to the way they had been. Looking back... we went to the pub on Wednesday lunchtime and had a burger and a beer special deal. It really doesn't do me any good when I even have a little alcohol, so that's it for me. No more drinking. It's not worth the consequences. Whether it's just because I sleep so badly after (and I did - I slept even more awfully than normal), whether its just the general depressive effects and physical effects, or with the meds I know the next day is pretty blah so isn't worth it.

I caught up with a lot of sleep last night (napped as soon as I got in from work) so that made so much difference and today has felt a really good day. We went and had a drink at an Italian restaurant at lunch so I was good, just had two latte's while everyone else had wine or lager. Definitely worth it :). If we go beer tasting in Thunder I will just have a lickle sip of everyone elses to get the taste :)

wooohooo

I'm going to see Snow Patrol!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to see Snow Patrol!!!!!!!!!!!!

happy happy happy alan going to see one of his favourite bands, annnnnnnnnnd get to go with PS too!! awesome and coolies

Shopping and other vices

So that was last weekend. Very different than the previous weekend when Mum (who shall henceforth be abbreviated as "Mum") was here. We had a good time with her and she loved the house and the garden and she felt really relaxed and comfortable and it wasn't too much of a struggle for her to get here. So comfortable in fact she decided she wanted to come back and is coming down for her birthday in August!! Woohoo!!

There has been a few bad days, like my bad night last week. Monday I was blah and flat as anything. I'd worked til 2am Monday morning then back up again working at 5am as I had stuff on my mind. The amazing thing still to me is that's where it ends. I have a bad day. I have a bad day at work, or I am extremely tired... and it doesn't spiral into anything more. It just stays as that and then passes, as it should do. It is SUCH a relief to feel free of depression and just have bad days now!

I am such a total shopping slut though. While I was working late on Sunday I think I managed to keep ebay going with the amount of nice things I bought. It was so much fun looking through things and giggling and selecting things. Hell I don't care if I don't like any of the pretty things I bought, or if they don't fit, or if I just decide that kind of dressup isn't for me. I had fun shopping while I was working. I spent hardly anything. I'll try some things just so I know. I just had fun!! Isn't that how its supposed to be? Worst case, I re-ebay or donate to a charity shop - or maybe if its not really me just keep one or two things in case that sort of play ever comes up.

I really should start waiting to actually claim overtime before i spend it though ;-)

Upsets

We had a bit of an upset weekend. It was kind of odd. The boy was here and as the weather was so bad we had planned to curl up and watch at least one movie. He'd wanted to watch the original superman for awhile and it finally turned up on my DVD club. Sooooo we sat down. Started watching it. Got to the bit where Krypton starts to blow up and he completely freaks, starts to shake, cry, clings to me and falls to pieces. Now this is SO not like the boy.

He then told me he was scared of the planet blwing up and dying and wanted to know what it was like to die and what happened afterwards. This kind of floored me as I had no idea where it came from. So we talked a little, nothing too heavy just comforting and I cuddled him and held him and just listened. Then we just left it and curled up in bed and he tucked up under his quilt and we cuddled and watched cartoons for a few hours. I let him sleep with me that night as he was quite shaken and he slept fine.

Speaking to ETB later on Sunday and it all fell into place. They had been to a cubs church walk in the week and there had been a "talk" which she said she thought at the time was over-the-top for 8-10 year olds. It was about Jesus dying she said, and the person doing it was very heavy into saying how Jesus must have felt and suffered, etc. The whole thing must have been playing on the poor bugger's mind since then til something happened that brought it all out.

It made me sad to be honest, that he had suffered like that. It was a relief though that he could let it out with me and then let it go. He was so much happier on Sunday and didn't look back at all. Sometimes it's these harder things that remind me just what a special relationship we are growing.

Cast of thousands...

Lots of people have nice acronyms or labels for people in their lives for their blogs and go "last week L said...." or "and then we met up with T & V for coffee". I've decided I am insanely jealous of this (and possibly also very lazy) so I need to start doing this.

So, as all life is a stage, without further ado I introduce you to some of the main characters in our little drama.

HY (Hey You) - Also known as SR, all round smart, lovely, cute and gorgeous Lady. Former Owner. Apparently answers to Hey You for some reason. Who am I to argue??

MT (My Tracy) - Cuzisaid. Fluff Lover. Kinkster. Cutie-pie. Darling. Sweetheart. Far too thoughtful for any planet around here but I am not going to argue with it. Shhhhhh no one tell her everyone else isn't like that. Expert stalker.

PPF (princess petal flower) - Remember that scene in Return of the Jedi with princess leia in chains and not much else? petal was born to play that role...

LLG (Land Lady Gal) - Her who must be obeyed. Well paid every month anyway. Failing that run off to Amsterdam with her.

YB (You Bitch) - Scottish tart (she puts the tart in tartan) proud mother of our little girl poppy. Yes ok, so poppy is a beagle, but I am a pup... so what did you expect our offspring to be? Called You Bitch as it's what she seems to say to me most when we are on the phone...

TYP (Take your pill!) - Wicked delicious fellow conspirator who is MUCH more wicked than me. Honest. Really. Really really. Just remember babe, take your pill!

PS (pup scritcher) - MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm she's Dreamy and she likes to scritch.

RG (Rav's girl) - Rav's girl, my dear super smart friend Cat... congratulations on a year with your Master honey.

WYB (Where's Your Bum) - Ms Silvie, bum reporter extraordinaire.

SBS (Smart But Sexy) - Ms Jolie. How can anyone be THAT smart but still remain so sexy and human?

ETB (Ex-to-be) - Nuff said!

Isn't it funny?

I spend some time last night chatting with a new friend, someone that is still struggling with how their submissiveness fits in with the rest of their life and all the confused thoughts that brings - trying to encourage them and show them they are not alone.



Then I have the most awful night of nightmares, self-doubt, fear, wondering what the hell I am doing here and if I should just lock it all in a box and hide it away before I get hurt.



No good deed goes unpunished...

Postcards from the...

A friend of mine has been mail bombing me with postcards of what my bum has been upto. She reckons my bum has probably got its own agent and run off without me. So I get postcards from the exotic locations...

So first...

From the beach

"Anyone you know"


From Colardo

"Maybe you can catch up with your self...."


From Nevada

"Do you know where your wallet is?"



From wet places...

"Hope you are doing well, even if parts of you are getting all wet and slippery! "



From making new friends

"Part of you isn't shy at all"

For sale (Bank Holiday Special)

For sale, boy, 8 years old. Good condition, barely run in, only a little cosmetic damage (scratches on cheek and arm from an argument between a bike and the pavement). Good working order except we can't find the off switch and the volume control seems stuck to "loud".

Offer's considered. Buyer collects. Quickly.

Coming out?

Sometimes you wonder if you are being very brave or being very foolish.  I think I had one of those moments yesterday.



I received a nice email from my sister-in-law responding to my updating her how life was going.  She wanted me to know she was thinking of me as she hadn't had time to write, and didn't want me to feel she was ignoring me.  She is having a hard time at the moment with work, worried after a take over and redundancies (they've already had some, and more forecast).  It made me smile and glad we've started to get so much closer, even if she lives in Arizona.  I've always liked her but kept her a little at arms distance, as I kept everyone that way.



It's been wonderful opening up and getting to know each other again and I don't want to lose that.  When I read her email I was suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to reach out and let her know how much I appreciate her friendship, especially as things get stressful for her.  I wanted her to know I value and trust her and keep building those bonds.



I can't really help except listen, and let her known I've been there before with all that worry and I do understand.  I don't want to make that empty and one-sided though. I want to show I value and trust her and she can talk to me about anything (just as we had when both of us had marriage difficulties). I had already told her about the anti-depressants and depression (and that was SO hard but has brought us closer). 

So.  I wrote her an email saying I totally understood about her being so rushed and hectic and how much I appreciated her, and reaching out and opening up and letting her see more of myself.  I wrote about my bi-curiousness, the struggles with my sexuality upto now and how much more comfortable with myself I am.  I also told her all about the July try (all she knew to then was I was going to see friends).  Explained about Thunder.  Explained about how I've come to explore the BDSM scene.     I knew it would be a shock so I spoke about the stereotypes from TV, and how much different the BDSM community is.  How loving.  How self-aware, intelligent, strong, empowering. 



She emailed me back last night, quickly... as she didn't want to leave me worrying about how she took it.  She had said before she was sure whatever I did or was exploring either she or one of her friends would have done... but I was right, this was a new one on her ;-).  She didn't know anything about it apart from the stereotypes but said she would do some research when my brother had gone to bed, to try and understand.   She also reaffirmed how much she loves and accepts me and always will.



I feel very positive about this.  I know she won't mention it to my family.  I just need to get chance to write to her more, make sure she doesn't worry about me and understands just how good this journey has been for me.  I think she may already have seen the difference, just doesn't know it.  It feels good though to be open with someone in my family, to just be me.  I think trusting her will make us firmer friends and not just casual relatives, I think it will bring us closer and that will not be a bad thing for either of us.  Now I can love her properly.

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Checkup

I went to the doctor's midweek for the 6 week checkup.  I explained to her the differences in how I felt.  More confident, more that when I was upset it was for a reason.  More sociable.  The other things.  She was pleased I felt better. I said about the lightheadedness but it looks like something I have to bear with and see if it passes.  Same for the problems sleeping.  I will see how it goes and if it makes things too hard I will go back.



She was quite persistent about did I want other kinds of help.  I said no a few times.  At the moment I am enjoying the difference its making in my life and don't really have anything I want to work through.  I have those options there now and know how to get help.  I've spent enough time analysing my life and not living it.



So, the next review is in 6 months unless I decide to go back earlier.  She did say it wouldnt be til 4 or 5 months to consider coming off them, but honestly... knowing my family now I don't expect it to happen in a hurry at all.

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Sometimes you wish the ground would open up...

Sometimes something so funny happens it just makes you laugh after, and in fact want to laugh during.  I've had two of those tonight.



Mum's come to stay and the boy is here too so I met them both in Reading to get the train back.  It was packed, being a Friday evening, so we were in the corridor when the boy straightens up and turns to me and says "Dad, sit up, there's some reaaaaaally pretty girls coming".  As I'm looking at him in shock these two cute early twenty somethings walk past... and the boy assumes this really silly cute sweet look and grin on his face.  I just died.  Mum turned to me when they had gone and said "you've gone really red...".  Thanks for pointing that out, and I didn't even know I was blushing! Maybe I blush more than I thought.



The second, and completely hysterical event, happened tonight.  The spare bed needed the duvet cover put on but I struggle with the king by myself so had left it ready for Mum to help.  So we unroll the clean duvet cover and there, caught up in from the laundry was a pair of girls grey underwear shorts with pretty pink trim.  Mum turns to me and asks "they aren't yours are they?".  I have no idea if I went red... I told her the landlady had given me stuff to bring home as washing (which was true) and threw them in her cupboard.  I have no idea whether she believed me, because of course they *are* mine.  There are moments you wish the ground would open up!

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Different tastes

Sunday morning we popped over to Blackbushe Market since I was staying over at the ex's. I haven't been for ages but it was fun to go back there with the boy and her and wander round looking at the stalls in the sun. Brought back happy memories when we used to do it soon after we were married - a time we were reliving happy memories of doing it as children with our parents.

It was funny though the different things we were looking for. The ex at all the bling accessories for her mobile phone. My boy wanting to look at all the tins of pokemon trading cards and the toys. Me ummmm welll. Me, I DID avoid looking at the lingerie, but that was because they were there. I did however sucumb to looking at the throwing knives and other collectable sharp objects (I was good though, didn't buy any!). I may also just have spent a tad too long in one of the stalls selling lots of goth/rock t-shirts and stuff. The ex did roll her eyes when she saw me looking at all the pretty little goth skirts and corsets and stuff. I think she thought I was imaginging it on a girl though... and my thoughts were somewhere completely different!!! Ummm yes, must go back to somewhere like that. I think that kinda made it certain that those sides of my tendancies weren't just down to SR!

We did however meet in the middle when we got to the pet supplies stalls. The ex wanted to buy a mat for her cat to lie on on her bed. They were pretty cheap and quite cute. My PC in the lounge is on the coffee table so I tend to kneel down in front of it (so you can have that image in your mind if you ever read a comment from me!!!), or sit on my haunches. Well i am nottttttttttttt getting any younger and starting to notice the aches in my knee's and ankles... especially as its a wood laminate floor. The ex got her mat for her cat, and I picked up this really cute one to sit down on.

She just laughed at the one I chose... and I laugh too. It's good to laugh at yourself and everytime I see it or the boy sits on it with me I will laugh. Well I know it's a puppy mat :).

Simple pleasures

It really is the simple pleasures.

Saturday night my ex had to put one of the boys cub scout badges on his jumper and she was hinting very strongly she wasn't very good at sewing, so I took the hint and offered to do it.

A simple simple thing. Sewing a badge on my boys jumper. Sunday was his scouts parade and watching him march around I felt so very proud of him. Even if he did have his t-shirt hanging out and sort of looked to the right daydreaming when they said "eyes left". I did feel so very pleased at having been involved :). It's MY job now to put his badges on!

Twinkle Twinkle

A friend of mine is going through a tough time at the moment and this goes out to her. Everytime I hear the song I smile and it makes me think of her. She may be one of the smartest woman I know but without a doubt she is also THE bravest.

You might just be a little star, but you shine SO brightly and brighten SO many lives. Keep shining in the darkness petal.

*hugs*

Alan

"Lil Star"

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining brightly
It's probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many other around
When deep inside you feels darkest
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out an touch me
you'll see I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
I’ve been running and jumping, but barely
Getting, getting over the bar
I plan on being much more than I, am but that's in due time
But until then I'm guilty, and being humans my crime
Being human that is my crime
Being human that is my crime

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner of later you'll find it
It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all i can see
and you sure look like a star to me

Anyone for coffee/theatre/movies/walks near Oxford/Reading/Didcot?

It's that time of year when the theatres start advertising their new seasons, the summer blockbusters start to appear at the cinema, the hills and forests cry out to be walked in...
Last year (my first year living round here) I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvved going to the open air theatre in Oxford but it was kinda a shame to go on my own and not have anyone to have a laugh with or talk about it with after.

So if there is anyone (boy or girl or couple or anything else :-)) in the Reading/Didcot/Oxford area that likes cinema, theatre, gigs, long walks or imbibing silly amounts of coffee and would like to meet up just as friends and enjoy some combination of the above just as friends and have a giggle some evening, then drop me a note.

The Oxford Creation Theatre does some pretty amazing interpretations of Shakespeare... This year its Hamlet and The Taming of the Shrew... but pretty much everything is fun no matter how different it is :). Lol, you never know until you try it.

Anti-depressants

So that leads us onto the anti-depressants. I've really wanted to write and explore the effects they've had on me. After the first few weeks of side-effects and feeling awful they settled down. I think the first difference I noticed was when I decided to call my sister and ask her about the panic attacks she had had when she was younger. I knew they had happened but never the details. My family has always been fairly distant to each other. We talk to Mum and she tells us what's going on but that's it. She has been the hub of it all so we are never close. I decided to break that and stop holding back and phone my sister. It's probably the first time we've talked properly in as long as I can remember. It was good. I learnt a lot about what she had gone through and was honest about what I was going through. I could see a lot of similarities in the causes behind her problems, even though the way they came out was very different.

Anxiety. Obsessive compulsive behaviour. Social anxiety and having difficulty with close relationships. Overthinking and worrying things. Analysing situations, conversations to the point you would just not have them as you would be paralysed. She then exhibited panic attacks and agoraphobia. Mine came out in different ways, but the same basic feelings seemed to be underneath. I started thinking then of my brother, how he stressed at work to the point of being unbearable. How he's happier now being a househusband but has no friends or relationships outside the family. The way I watched him sit biting his nails anxiously when they were trying to buy their new house when I was over there. The tension in him clearly visible. I guess I've always looked upto my brother and sister and always assumed they were "ok" and it was just me that struggled. This was the first time I'd seen it as a family thing. It was comforting, to know it wasn't just me... and honestly, it made me look how far I've come and think wow, I haven't done too badly. I know I don't have any close friends I see face to face but... I am well respected at work. I have a very responsible job. I make decisions at work which effect others. I've started over from scratch and have started to discover "me" and not "her husband". I've accepted things about myself. I have a number of good dear friends who while they happen to be mainly a fair distance away... care about me deeply and genuinely and will reach out and support me. I've done pretty well really when I think about the way things have affected us. It doesn't matter to me if it's nature or nurture thats caused this anxiety in my family. Was it Mum being overprotective and coddling us? Is it a chemical thing? It doesn't matter. It is however a fact... and It made me feel a lot more positive about the anti-depressants. There is a problem to be addressed and it is not just that I could not cope.
So I started being open and honest about the medication. Not hiding it and being ashamed. I joke about it at work, I don't hide it. If I can in the slightest take away some of the perceived stigma of depression then good! People have helped me enough, I would like to give something back.

Then I went to Amsterdam with my Landlady. That was a pretty worrying week anyway not knowing what was wrong with her. I tend to dislike places I am not familiar with, especially if they are not English. The same tenseness and anxiety. This time though I loved it. Yes, I still got nervous about things but... Not to the same extent. It was at a level I could handle and either give into it or push past it. I could enjoy things. I did enjoy it. I didn't sit anxiously worrying over doing things. I didn't waste the time getting uptight over the fact I would have to say good bye to my Landlady friend. I just... enjoyed those moments. Even leaving her at the airport, with a hug and a smile while it made me sad, it made me still glad of the chance we had had.

Coming home to the UK. Coming back to that email which was so unexpected, to know something which had been so much a part of my life was changed forever. I sat on the coach and cried... and reached out. It hurt so badly but the first thing I did was reach out for someone. It was a hard few days, and it hurt so badly... but it hurt. It didn't send me spiralling into depression or the blackness. It didn't send me inwards hiding away. It didn't send me into myself to hurt myself. It just hurt as grief is supposed to.
I've had some bad days and weekends over the last few weeks yes but, they are just that. Bad days, being pissed off, exhausted or work getting to me. They haven't gone to the same depths though. They haven't got blown out of proportion and led me to the hurtful dark places where it stops being about a bad day and becomes about everything else, all the past things which come up, all the old patterns of thinking.

I still get anxious but, its controllable. It doesn't paralyse me into indecision. Now its down to the choices I make. I can let it get to me and stop, or I can keep going. That paralysing fear leading to inaction was a killer. Then you blame yourself for it afterwards.
I don't worry about things so much before they happen. Just deal with them as they come. Don't think about things I have done so much. Don't reply conversations. Just let it go.
I don't feel as driven. Yes. A good word. I've always felt driven to the extent of compulsion and not quite feeling in control at times. That's gone now. Still little hints of it but... managable.
Sexually... I'll admit I probably was overly sexual (strange for someone who has only ever as much as kissed one woman), but I think the whole being driven thing led to a hypersexuality which was NOT good for me and left me very confused and frustrated. Again, it's just sufficiently muted now to be a comfortable part of me. Part of me yes, but not something which controls or drives me. Everything in more of a balanced place.

That's the two things I'd say most. It's given me space in my thoughts to stop them spinning round and around and it's given me more balance.

I feel more relaxed. I feel more... sociable. More able to just speak first and then think about it after. A few situations have come up where I could offer someone a hand in the street. Helping someone on a train with a case. Offer a hand to a guy with a bad leg put out his trash. Normal situations yes but ones I would have just gone over and over in my head before to the point of not helping, then cursed and kicked myself for it. Now though I could offer a hand and just smile afterwards. This is more like the me I felt like and could never understand WHY i couldn't be like that as it's how I felt inside.

I think that's it. For the first time in my life I feel like the me I always thought I should have been but was frustrated at not being. There are possibilities now.

Yes... the dizziness I get sometimes isn't good, nor the insomnia... but I wouldn't look back now for the world.

Meetings

Wheeeeeeeee I am catching up. It's nice to get some of the words out. Last week I went off to meet a friend for the first time from online. He's just bought his first house so I went round to see it and buy pizza (mmmmm pizza... life is always good with pizza). I had a great time, hope he did too!! It was great to put a face and voice to a name and see all the differences between how people come across online and in the flesh. Not different in bad ways, just the way they flesh out into a full complete person. Made me look forward to meeting other friends in July even more. Absolutely smashing guy though, funny and very warm and glad to have him as a friend.

It was also an interesting experience for me. First time I've met someone off online since last February and my Scottish friend. First time I've met a guy off online since about 1995!!! I have no idea how I came across and honestly, I don't want to know!!!! What was important for me though was how differently I felt. When I've met people before i've always been very nervous and anxious and have started getting uptight and looking for excuses upto a week before. I've got tense, uptight, butterflies, panicky, heart beating too fast, dry mouthed, stuttery. That's how I've always been. It felt so different this time though. I just looked forward to it in the week. I didn't think about it too much. I didn't over analyse or overthink or worry about it. I didn't panic over silly things like the how to get there. I had a few minor butterflies but I just went and had a good time. Afterwards I didn't review all the conversations and think "god that sounded stupid". I just enjoyed it and came away smiling. It felt so different and so good. I think it was the most visible sign for me what difference the anti-depressants have made. Not that they make me happier... Just that they give me space to live in the moment more and not get so worked up.

Oh and I agree with him totally. Those clamps are a bitch!!

Never fall in love again...?

I was talking to a friend the other day, listening to her talk so proudly about her boy and the way he had grown and changed and the way he handled things now. There were times things didn't always go right but it was beautiful to hear the way she handled it, and how patiently and lovingly she handled it and how she put it behind her when they said "sorry". I have a lot of admiration for her. I was in a relationship for a long time when my other half pushed me deliberately to get a reaction, provoking and hitting me in the tender spots in order to try and get me to hate them - mainly because thats how they expected people to react. People to leave, people to get fed up with them, people to hate them as ultimately they didn't like themselves. I am not exactly proud of how I reacted all the time. Sometimes I just tried to keep the peace, sometimes I exploded. I know it was a difficult time and I was not in a good place, so handled it the best I could. I am happy to say I am a lot calmer, a lot less stressed and a lot less frustrated than I was back then so hope I deal with conflict a lot better now.

Anyway, thats a digression. Me rambling because I've been in situations where people have pushed deliberately or otherwise and I have great admiration for anyone that can stay loving and calm and then just let it go and forgive. It's a great sign of a loving woman and also a very necessary necessary one in a dominant partner.

Listening to her it made me smile but also reminded me of SR and my experiences with her, and the times she had been like that with me. Ever patient, always loving, never keeping a grudge. Always focussed on what was best for both of us. It brought back so many memories and so many emotions. It did bring little tears to my eyes and a pang to my heart. Happy memories and a real sense of loss. Tears heal and anything which means something to you will always hurt when it ends. I think I would worry if it didn't hurt, as that would have meant it was just a game. It wasn't a game, it was very real, the feelings were very real and they don't just go away over night.

Over these couple of weeks my feelings have changed. First there was just the horrible sense of loss, the fact she was gone, that I wouldn't see her again. That was devestating and in it was a feeling of being desperately worried about her that she was facing this all alone. Then she came back, and it was odd for a few days. A distant formality without really saying anything that meant anything. A hi, how are you, how are the kids. Not probing anything that might be painful. Not saying anything which might be too intimate or showing affection. Just... distant. It might have stayed like that I guess. I know I have kept people at arms length before to stop from being hurt. She did teach me a different way of being though, and that if both people are willing to try, you can change the world. It would have been hideous to keep going through the casual inanities. We have always managed to laugh at each other and laugh at ourselves. So... after a couple of days of trying to be good, we started taking the mickey out of each other... which escalated into a set of point scoring which she of course won and that was that. No more pussyfooting about, this was war! *grins* Hey there has to be SOME advantage to her not being my Owner anymore... and the fact she can't give me "the look" anymore is one of them ;-). So I am a brat. Of course it also means she can go below the belt with her comments too which makes me laugh so hard when she does.

So we settled down into a friendly banter, being able to talk about anything and everything as while things have changed, we are still the same people we always were. We still trust each other as much. We still value each other as much. We just have certain limits in what is and isn't appropriate. In some ways, we are actually closer. I have that natural separation from her now that my mood isn't so tied into hers. Yes, I don't like it when she is down or upset but, I am not quite as close and can step away. It's hard to have that perspective when you respond so instinctively to someone else. So... now I am unentwining my reactions and responses slowly and that changes me from being a pet to just being a friend. Maybe a better friend as I can be the kind of friend I want to be for people. Strong, caring, but able to be honest and say the hard things too. I like it. So, no longer intimate but closer friends.

Friends again, but still with a slowly changing sense of loss. After the initial "i've lost her", to the... making things work as friends, and now to trying to get my head around the loss of Ownership and what that means to me. At first it didn't bother me, I mean... compared to losing her it was nothing. Now though... it was a deep part of me so of course its going to take time.
The conversation with my friend reminded me of that, that deep bond between an Owner and their property. How special it was. I am glad. I am glad to be reminded of all those things so that I don't forget. I celebrate them even in with that wistful pang of hurt. The bitter sweetness. It hurts because it was so special. It hurts because it meant so much. Things will keep doing that and I will smile a soft smile, a little tear in the corner of my eye, and will let ago a little more. Thats how you move on.

A conversation this morning with her did pretty much the same, in a different way, a different part of our relationship. Her reminiscing her childhood just reminded me some of the reasons why I fell in love with her. The kind of woman she is and how lucky I was to get close to her.
After leaving my my wife I was sure no one could take her place. There would be no one else. That no one would ever fill the hole she left. No one could ever want me. I said never again to falling in love.

When I faced adjusting and letting go of how I felt about my Scottish friend, I was sure the hole that left could never be filled. No one could ever be quite so wonderful as her. No one could get to me so deeply and make me smile just with a laugh or a hi. Could just make me feel the world was a wonderful place just by the sound of their voice. I said never again. I had been blessed with a one off. A one chance to know you could love someone and it be good and not abusive, and they might actually appreciate you loving them. But I would never fall in love again.
Now. Letting go of SR, I say yes. I say again. So I look forward to falling hopelessly and totally in love again and the bliss and pain of it. I expect it to come again.

I always looked at the hole people left in my life after they were gone and dwelt on that and the fact no one else could take that place. Always loss. Maybe I've grown up a bit. There is an SR shaped-hole in my life, but that's a hole thats filled by her and no one else could ever fill. Its her hole and will always have her in it, even if how she fits has changed. I don't want to look for anyone to replace her. I have other holes in my life, other places people can fit. I look forward to discovering those holes and discovering the people that will be in them.

Reminders

Being here at my ex's and watching her as she's got ready has been another eye opener and a reminder of why we are on the path we are on. She get's so stressed and narky over little things. Over the state of the house after the kids played (It took me five minutes to clear up!), over chasing after this and that and wanting things done NOW and leaping from one thing to another as she get's uptight. Sometimes I forget just quite what she was like to live with. I am grateful, once more, for the second chance I got.

Kids playing

Today has been a lovely day. My ex and boy are going out to a family birthday party so I can't have him tonight. Instead I came to her house and was with him here while she was out and will stay here overnight. I could have taken him out but he was having so much fun with his best friend Chloe outside that we stayed here (wish I had bought a book!!). So we had a delightful afternoon and I got him to ask if she wanted to come in and play on the computer. They played neopets for a bit. Played games in the house. Chloe's mum bought them both MacDonalds for lunch and they sat and ate lovely. Sat drawing and making Tardises and monsters from Doctor Who (lol, a match made in heaven those two!). Sat and had a snack, then dinner round Chloe's Nan's house. Two noisy lovely happy children.

It's been such a tonic to listen to them play. I knew it would come when he would want to both come and see me but also want to spend time with his friends at the weekend. I am glad he got chance to play all day with his friend. I really love my time with him but I am NOT going to get in the way and we will keep reaching the compromises that work. Looking at my early blogs, I was so wrapped up in life being about the boy and work and that was it. I was really worried about what would happen when he didn't want to come see me every week. Now, now we may be approaching those times I am just smiling, glad to see them, glad to share them, glad we'll enjoy them together... the times we are together, the times we aren't. Now I'm going to look forward to the things I can do when he wants his space... the things I can do when I want mine... and the things we can do when we want each other.

How much difference a day makes...

Another day, and completely different.

I can feel the difference the sleep last night made. I got home today and went straight out into the garden, cleared the stuff that needed to be put out for recyling tomorrow. Cut back the vines. Cut back the hedges at the front. A very satisfying hour or so and still energy to sweep the floors inside and make a nice dinner. MMmmmmm.

So this evening has been a lot more productive. I really don't like it when I feel too tired to do anything, I like to keep myself busy and feel I've done something! So. Much happier tonight .

How to totally wreck your sleep habits...

Is this what writer's block feels like?  I've got stuff I want to write about but it just kind of goes all ishy when I even think about writing it down.



I want to write about the anti-depressants, what has been going on in my head, work, things I've discovered about my family, the Amsterdam trip, friends, the future, the adjustment to things with my former Owner, my feelings, so many things but it just doesn't seem to come.  Hmmm this is odd for me, and I do want to write.  I enjoy it.  I'm not even really reading blogs at the moment except one or two of my closest friends.



So start somewhere, and see what comes out.  I'm getting really tired again and feeling pretty much worn out a lot of the time.  Add to that dizziness and light-headedness and I am about as much use as an ummm manager :).  I am going to talk to the Doc's about it again when I go back for my 6 week checkup.  It might be tiredness making me fuzzy, it might be hay-fever, it might be the meds.  lol, i could probably make a quicker list of what it might not be!!



Last night I got home from work about 6, had a bite of fruit, some cheese and by 7pm was shattered so went for a little nap.  I had intended to do some writing, catch up but... not to be.  The little nap ended up with me waking at midnight.  I guess I needed it more than I thought, and I then had my "waking hours" before getting back to sleep about 3.30am til just before 6am.  This is NOT something I intend to make a habit of, but it was nice to actually sleep when I was tired rather than when I was trying to make myself sleep in "proper hours".   I know this is twice in a week I've done it (I was in bed by 6.30pm last Friday!!!) ... but, apart from the weekends with the boy I guess I do have the luxury or being able to catch up with sleep like this, and its better than half killing myself with exhaustion.

Thunder

At the beginning of the week I booked my plane tickets for the trip in July!!!



I am *so* excited now.  I needed something to look forward to, but more than that, I just want to go and see my friends and to go to Thunder in the Mountains in Colorado (my first kink event) and have a blast.



With my new spirit of wanting to do things, I've stopped being a wuss and worrying about putting out my friends and am making the most of it and going for the whole two weeks.  I mean, I have to have the time off work so what the hell!! It doesn't make it any cheaper wasting time and dithering.



So, Sat 14th July... Off to Denver.  My ex-to-be has kindly said she would drop me off at the airport.     A week with my friend Jolie, then Thunder and staying with star and Ms Silvie (I SO cannot wait to see them!!!!) and probably meeting another old friend there too.



A day to catch my breath, then the Tues fly off to Ohio to spend some time with my favourite flufflover, Tracy... then sadly home.



I kind of pout that I can't spend longer in Ohio, but I am a practical soul, this is the way it had to be organised, Denver first.. some time to adjust to what happens at Thunder and not just leave straight off, then Ohio.  I think I've grown up a lot recently and am not going to pout about these things but be grateful of the opportunity to do this, and know it just opens up more doors for the future.

Blue and yellow

A very special friend gave me a very special gift yesterday. One of those amazing things where you just go, wow. Someone, someone is there in a very unique way.

What touched me wasn't just that she sent flowers to me, to try and cheer me up while I was sad last week with the breakup from my Owner. It was that she had something she wanted to tell me, something she wanted me to know.... and she chose the right flowers to say that message.

She put so much thought into it, and reached out and touched me with it.

Blue and yellow flowers. Because I was blue last wek and because she wished me sunshine ahead.

Beautiful flowers from a truly beautiful heart.

In one of those twists of fate, she had ordered them to be delivered last week, but the flower company screwed up and delivered them today. Perfect.. as I probably wouldnt have been here last week.

Just perfect

Paws

After the dust settled of losing my owner (but finding I had regained a very special friend), I started to think about the things which I hadn't thought of. The things now that were just mine.

One of the hardest (but most needed) things was to remove the tag from my collar. Suddenly I was collarless, both in a D/s sense but also... well, I'm a puppy!! How can a puppy not have a collar? One thing I became quickly sure of was I am a puppy. I'm still a puppy. I had some moments when I wondered what I was, and what had been her wishes for me. A friend kept calling me pup still... and it just clicked inside whenever she did.

So I knew.

I knew it was me.

So what to do about my collar. I needed to make it mine again. A puppy can't be without a name. They don't necessarily need an Owner but they need a name. So what was my name? Well. Of course, I still had a name. Kitty. It's what she named me, as I purr, but she named me it as its me. The puppy called kitty who purrs. It's still my name *smile* I still wanted that name, for me. I asked her if she was ok with that (as a... I care for not hurting my friends, not an I need permission) and she beamed.

OK so the feminine duality of it isn't lost on me either :P

So the collar? Well I had a name. I needed a name tag. So I've ordered one.

I don't want an Owner at the moment. I may never want an Owner again. My needs maybe very different now. I may want a partner instead... with whatever different dynamic that brings. The time for being owned maybe passed, or it may come again. I don't know and I am not second guessing the future. I just know I don't need to be Owned to be me, so am content at the moment.

So I've ordered a name tag with "kitty" on one side, and a paw print on the other. It feels kinda perfect.

A puppy name tag. Not a property tag.

My name. My collar.

So many thoughts

So many things I want to write about, so little time. Maybe thats a pattern here, when life starts to feel good and more full, there is less time to write about it. I've also been doing a lot of thinking (scary I know) and rebalancing and reevaluating things in my life. Maybe I need time to get it clear before I write it down.

So, some short, sweet little things. Before I forget, just little ones before I move onto the big one and clear my thoughts.

Corsets

So.

After a relaxing easter down at my parents I am back home, and missing my boy. So what do I do? I dress up and try the corset I hadn't tried of course!!!

Ignore the stockings, they were just ummm something I was trying on. No bum view as I am still waiting for the proper matching thong .


I think she would have loved it, and I am pretty proud of it.

Friendships

Last week felt like a desperate loss.  I'd lost an owner, and a friend in one go and didn't know how to do anything but cry my eyes out at the hole that was left.   Crying is good, crying heals and washes away pain, but when your heart is broken its kind of hard to see there might be anything else.



Thursday I did something I've never done, I pulled a sickie.  I slept badly and couldn't really face work, so I called in sick and moped around the house.  Cried lots.  It's so hard to describe when someone has been such a part of your life and then is just suddenly gone.  I've never lost anyone close to me where they were just gone.  The closest was when I left my wife, but she was still there in a way even if we weren't talking.  



It was just that she was GONE.  My friend and confidente of two years who had always been so funny, so wise, so determined, so strong, such an inspiration to me.  Someone I had grown to love.  She is just an exemplary woman, one with rare common sense, both not suffering fools but also compassionate and caring.  I love her. It's as simple as that.



I knew it was necessary and I knew it was right, but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell.



I'm glad I took Thursday off. In the morning, I mentioned to a friend of mine that maybe they should call her sooner rather than later (We had talked when would be a good time for her to see how things were)... her response "I'm talking to her now on IM honey".   This just killed me.  The fact that she was there, but I couldn't talk to her.  I am so grateful my friend was honest, didn't hide or mask the fact.  She was just direct and honest and its what I appreciate about her.  It's why I can trust what she says.  I didn't know what the situation was, whether she would be allowed to talk to me or not... or whether it would just be like this, that she could talk to others but not us.  That was a horrible thought.  I just kind of moped around the day, trying to get a few little things done before going away for easter break.  Late afternoon... she popped up on my screen with a hi.  I could have cried.  Well I probably did.



We chatted, about nothing.  I rambled at her.  It was just good to see her, to know that we can still chat and be friends.  OK, just friends, but to be honest that was what was most important to me, that I could still have her in my life in some way.  Yes, it's going to be different, and there is a lot to let go of... but still friends.  I know I am going to have to learn how to be just a friend again, and it's not going to be easy... but it was such a relief.



Whereas it had been a total sense of loss, now it was a bittersweet ache.  I had my friend back, and that was worth all the things I had lost.  I still love her.  I just can't say it or show it.  I can't give her the affection I feel, I can't show her what she means to me.  I have my friend though, and we will adjust.  I know it must be as hard on her.   So many things that have to be left unsaid.  It's hard, being casual.  Being just friends.  Going from such intimacy to that, almost overnight.  We will do it though.  Today I said to her, I will say this just once, then never mention it again.  I need you and always will.



I wanted to say it before locking those words away in a box somewhere.  Just so she knew.  However our relationship changes, I will always need her as my friend.  Always want her.





This all sounds pretty selfish, but this is to help me adjust to these changes.  I know she is going through all this, plus so much more, and my heart does go out to her.  I am just stupidly grateful though I can still make her smile, still make her days a little brighter maybe, even if its just as a friend.  I have my friend, and now I have to work at letting go the rest.  It's not easy.  I see her and frankly, I still lust after her.  Six months of being trained to respond to just he sight of her name is hard to shrug off overnight.  Six months of loving her and making her laugh and sharing such deep thoughts.  Sharing everything, giving everything I had.  It's also hard losing all those routines, those rituals that brought me closer to her, all those things I did for her.  All just stopped, just like that.  Now I have to learn what I want for me.  



This is for the best though, that I am sure. Change always hurts but always gives us new opportunities, if we let it. I am sure its going to be for the best for her marriage, that this will bring them closer together, or at least make the issues be addressed and not hidden away.  This will be the best for me, eventually, force me to look for what I want for me, in time.  Force me to push forward.   It has already shown me how I have some amazing friends who really care for me.   It's shown me how there must be a reason for it, even though I hate it now and can't see what it may be... The timing is just so, spot on.  The day my landlady went back and I am alone again.  Exactly when my anti-depressants would start kicking in, and so would help soften the blow a little.  They have, I am sure.  I am sad yes, and I feel lost.  I feel directionless.  I was desperately heartbroken too, now I feel... uneasy, feel the loss, feel alone.  I don't feel hopeless and depressed though.  I hope that keeps on as the days go by.



It must be for a reason.  We will make it work as friends and still support and care for each other, but in the ways we can now.  I am not going to stop loving her, but I will learn to do it in the ways that are appropriate now.



I have the knowledge though that a woman I think the world of considered me her treasure.  Considered me her puppy.  Considered me worthy of being owned.  That is something no one can ever take away from me, and I have to hold my head up with pride and look at the great future she has opened up for me.  A future I am still lucky enough to share with her in some small way.

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Panties

I guess the only other thing to note is this is costing me a fortune in underwear, comfort buying I guess!  I bought some nice panties in Amsterdam, and another nice pair in the supermarket yesterday and I think I maybe wearing them every day from now on.  Its some small comfort in spoiling me in this time when everything else feels so sad.

Sleepless nights

This is so weird.   I keep turning round thinking something is missing, something is wrong and not knowing what it is.   Then I remember that she's gone and that that's what is missing.



I guess the realities of her being gone are settling in.  It's felt like a bad dream, and I keep randomly crying.   I guess the upside of that is just how much she means to me.  I miss my friend.  I wish she hadn't had to leave completely, could have just not had pets.  I do however understand how it had to be all or nothing.   If you have to make it work, you have to give it your all and not take half measures, I've been there.  She must be hurting pretty badly and she hasn't got all the support of our mutual friends, so my heart keeps going out to her.



In other news today I went back to the Doctors for my checkup and they are pleased I got past the side-effects without giving up, as they were pretty extreme.  Have to go back in 3 weeks again to see if they have had a positive effect.  I told her about my brother and sisters anxiety problems and she was hopeful there might be a chemical basis for it in our family, so the anti-depressants would have a good chance of helping.   She asked if i wanted to pursue the other avenues, counselling or group therapy.  I said for now I just want to concentrate on seeing where I am when this settles properly.  



My corset is beautiful though I havent tried it on yet.  They sent the wrong eyelet leather panties - panties and not a thong, but they were so good about it.  They've told me to keep the ones they made as they are bespoke for my size, so they will make a new thong too.  Such great people.



Thats about it except I can't sleep, even with a Nytol.  I just feel groggy instead.  Going back to bed.  My parents came back from Arizona yesterday, so going to them with the boy over easter break. 

Hard goodbyes

Well, this isn't quite the blog I expected to write when I got back from Amsterdam.



I haven't written for a week.  My landlady came home from the Philippines and she wasn't at all well, so the week kind of disappeared with spending time with her and trying to make her feel better.  We made it to Amsterdam Saturday.  She flew back to the Philippines from there, I flew back to the UK. 



Unfortunately, when I was getting the coach back to Reading from the airport, I checked my email and found some very bad news.  The Lady who was my Owner has had some difficulties at home and her husband has withdrawn his consent for her having pets online.  She has done the only thing she could, withdrawn from online life in order to work at her marriage and her family and to do what she needs to do to make it work.



I am so proud of her for doing this.  We talked a long time ago, before I was hers about online life, hiding things from partners, what the lies do to you... and I knew she did what she did with her husbands consent.  I told her then if she ever had to leave in order to save her family, she should just do it and not look back.   She reminded me of those words in the email she sent, and I am so proud of her for doing what she has to do.    I just hope it works out for her, I hope she can make it work, I hope she finds the sort of life she wants and that her family are happy.   I understand her reasons totally, and respect her more than ever.  This is the measure of the woman, that she could do the hard things that needed doing, despite it not being easy.  This is why I love her.



As for me?  I hurt.  I hurt more than I thought possible.  I cried all the way home on the coach.  I cried all last night, on the phone with a friend crying back.  I feel numb, I feel hurt, I feel overwhelmed, I feel unable to think, I feel like its a bad dream I can't wake up from.



I miss her.  I miss her so much.  Not just as my owner, but one of my dearest friends.  That's what is so hard, I've lost one of my best friends as she won't be around anymore.



I had to take the tag off my collar last night.  Put it away.



Just to show the timing, I collected my corset just after I read the email.  Its beautiful, she would have loved it.  I am just sorry she never saw it.



What will I do?  Carry on as she expected.  I can't run, I can't hide, doing anything like that would dishonour all she means to me, she saw a strength in me I never saw, can't see.  She told me she would run after me if I ever tried to run.  She can't do that now, but I will not let go of all the things she taught me and all the things she showed me, I know she still believes in me despite not being able to be there.



I am still going to Thunder in July, meeting my friends.  Still going to Ohio afterwards to meet up with Tracy.  I want to keep being the person that made her proud, no matter how much I may stumble at this time. 



ScarlettRose, my friend, I love you and I will keep loving you.  Be safe, be well and my prayers go with you to do what you must.

Different days, different ways

So, today is a much different day. Last night was the first night I took the pill at night, to drive and swing round the fuzziness to a more practical time of the day (i.e. not all day). I didn't sleep that great, had the slight nausea and muffledness through the night. Didn't take anything to help me sleep as I had to go get the boy early this morning. Had a bit of a bad night, a little upset and continuation of being down.

This morning though I feel the complete opposite. Very up, very upbeat, hyper. I feel confident, energetic to the point of being jittery. I could notice the difference in how I was in shops this morning, and with the ex. I hugged her and gave her a cuddle as she had a bad day with her parents yesterday. I was sympathetic and a lot more touchy feely than I had been feeling. In the shops I was more confident, direct with the staff and looked them in the eye (as opposed to my tendancy when down to avoid contact or look away). I could also see the difference in my driving style. A lot more casual, but aggressive and confident. Whereas I might concentrate really hard on some of the country roads around here normally, I just relaxed and enjoyed them and drove on a much more subconscious and instinctive level, rather than over thinking it. Its a complete contrast and the total opposite to yesterday. It's probably not excessively good for me either (even though it feels a lot nicer) but all part of the process of equalising I guess. Just another different mood to record for posterity!

Delivery

One of those funny things happened today, in the middle of the good and the bad. Reminds me just what how a little humiliation can still get to you in such a nice squirmy way.

The doorbell rang, it was the postgirl (a pretty one this time), and she had the parcel with my cuffs and spreader in. I was out of breath anyway as I had to take my collar off before I got to the door. She had to fumble around to find something for me to sign and that's when I noticed that the packet was open and one of the cuffs was half hanging out... with the trigger clip there for all to see. I just died and took it off her hoping she wouldn't make any sort of comment or apology about it, or it wouldn't just fall out in front of me. It's always been one of my nightmares that a toy delivery would go next door and the neighbours dog would open it up... I never expected it to be open when it was delivered!

They are very pretty though.

Struggles

This is proving to be, shall we say, a trying time. That's two day's I've been pretty down. I know what kicked it off yesterday, my dear landlady who is due back tomorrow night hasn't been too well and it was looking like she was going to end up in hospital and not be able to come back for the week. I was worried sick about her, missing her and generally disappointed too. That really hit me. She is so dear to me, its been 6 months since I've seen her, I so want to see her but also... I just don't want anything to happen to her. I know she's suffered quite a bit recently.

Besides that, things just feel so much harder. I feel apathetic. I find it hard to concentrate, even harder than before. It's like my brain is so fuzzy I can't think properly. Everything feels muted and distant. I could just stare off into space if I didn't force myself to do something. All my feelings seem muffled and deadened.

Sexually and emotionally I am pretty much dead. What used to make me aroused now just gives me a little stir. If I do get aroused that feeling fades quickly. I still react to Ma`am but not with the same intensity. I get hard, but not as hard. I soften quicker. Things my Owner says which used to make me just shiver (like good boy) now give me a quiet content soft smile instead. It's that kind of change. So I feel rather flat. I don't really have any interest in cumming except when she pushes me, I will see how that goes. If it stays like that, in awhile then I will have a chat with her about my play days and see if they should stop for now and just let it be when she wants me.

Maybe change them to something else, something that works better and adjust to these changes.

In the week, when I was given the opportunity to play and cum I was more interested in dressing up and looking pretty, and feeling pretty. I just didn't have the interest in going beyond that. If things don't settle then I will talk with her about maybe allowing a softer pleasure
on those nights, like that.

I've been feeling today like the changes so far have not made me feel any better, they've just robbed me of the things that made life worth living. The joys, the intensities. The down is still there, but the ups have gone. I know its still early days, I know that it won't be
for a few weeks I start to see any benefits, and I hope then some of the downsides fade. Patience.

It keeps feeling that I've broken her toy with this pill. Its hard to explain that, basically that my reactions are so deadened, so muffled, that I can't be the toy for her I was. Can't respond in the same ways. I'm not even sure I can get to that intensity of subspace now. That's a bad, negative reaction though, one from that feeling of loss. The reality is she still cares and has the same affection for me she always had. Our relationship was based on friendship a long
long time before it became sexual or I became hers. Puppy's are creatures that love and adore their owner's and I can and will still do that with passion. I may not be quite the slut I was anymore but I still have a lot more to give her. I am still hers.

Maybe I've always gone from highs to lows too much and back again, and I need to lose some of those highs too to even out the lows, and find some gentle medium. A gentle pup. Maybe, at the moment it feels like a loss, and it feels like a struggle and an effort to keep going. I
have my plan though and I will stick to it. Doctors appointment on the 4th April, talk it over with her. Then I will give it to the two months mark to review how I am, to discuss with people that know me.

Hopefully by then I'll have seen an improvement, have seen the benefits. If the benefits don't outweigh the costs... then I will ask to come off it. Not because it failed, but simply because the cost is too high. I said I would try this and invest in it and I will, but I will do it typically pragmatically and with a goal in mind. This is not *the* answer, its supposed to make it easier for me to move past where I am now. If it just stops life being enjoyable then its not for
me. The temptation is there just to hide away because its just so much effort to do anything at the moment.

At the moment I am feeling a bit in two minds about Thunder now. I really can't feel much so can't really see the point in it. I guess that fear I won't be able to feel the same way again, that that part of me is gone now before I really managed to explore it. The drive is gone, the desire to feel, to be hurt, to be touched, its just dead. There is time still, but thats something thats on my mind as it's something I was so looking forward to. Just another thing to record, to see where I was when I look back.

Some bright sparks though. My Owner, caring, affectionate, always there to hold me and want me no matter what. If I can make her day happier in anyway then its enough. Tracy, dear Tracy. Where would I be without you my friend? I am not quite sure how I was lucky enough to run into you (or brave enough to post that pic which dragged your attention ;-), but damn that bit of luck makes up for the bad ones. My ever patient friend Jolie, willing to listen to this pup ramble in circles and try and make sense of all the changes going on in his head.

The final one, a new gift to me. A new friend who I was lucky enough to get to know and then lucky enough to be around when she started DJing on an internet radio station again. She's reminded me how much music moves you, and how much passion you can find in listening to it even when you feel like nothing can get through to you. It's been a very precious gift. Thankyou.

Catchups

I am a few days behind on this, I've been struggling to get motivated. So a quick catchup as there are things I need to write down.



Monday, I got up early as I couldn't sleep, it had been another long and restless night. I was pretty tired out, spent a little time chatting before work with my Owner and she let me cum. I loved playing with her and giving her pleasure, but I have to admit I just didn't really feel anything for myself, it felt a very purely physical thing and kind of distant. The satisfaction for me was being able to be there with her and for her (which was pretty nice in its own way :).



This gave me a hint just how exhausted I was feeling after the weekend and the thought of trudging into work suddenly seemed something guaranteed to make me sick. I was tired, feeling a little dizzy and trembly and I know there is a cold waiting to get me. I don't know if those symptoms are side-effects, or tiredness or the cold, but it didn't really make much difference, so I called in sick and spent the day basically dozing and napping and other than that being curled in bed. I really needed it so I didn't feel guilty for once, it was just being smart. I also asked Ma`am if I could skip playing that night if I didn't feel up-to it, which shows you kind of how I was feeling... In the end I am glad I did as it was not something I was really interested in.



Tuesday was better, I felt tired still but not so exhausted. Still dizzy and off-balance, a little shaky but better. My head was muzzy so concentrating was a nightmare but it did end up clearing a little by 3pm. I felt up-to flirting a little and feeling a little friskier, but I still didn't take up the option of playing that night. I felt frisky but just no energy or desire to pursue it physically. Was nice to feel a little more myself though :). I did ask if I could dress up in a pretty pair of panties though and was allowed, that was nice enough for me to give me a content tired smile for the evening. I'm easily pleased :).



Today has been pretty much the same. Still on/off sleepless and struggling to go back to sleep but I was not feeling as "wired on" as I have been. I did have some tears overnight, thinking through some things and coming to negative conclusions. Its to be expected I know.



Last night I had a conversation with a friend which I found a little hard, almost accusatory, especially as I am still hurting over losing a friend last week when she decided I was to lightweight for her and had changed as I didn't "share things" with her any more. Last nights conversation was about the anti-depressants and why I was on them. Her opinion seemed to be very much I had been influenced by the American's I know as I hadn't needed them six months ago, and hadn't needed them when she was there all the time, so why did I suddenly need them now? I have a feeling her attitude is very much of a "people should help themselves" thing and she doesn't approve of drugs or any other "crutches".



I tried to explain that basically I have been like this for a long time and it runs in my family. That its been there, I just haven't been able to admit it, that only now could I really face up-to how I was. So now I needed some help to deal with it and move on. She said she was sorry she had never picked it up before, but that's ok, I wasn't really to face it before. I hope she meant that.



If I let myself, I could think that I've got worse, that needing this help now after all this time means I've just gone backwards and become more depressed and unable to cope, whereas I could before. I think that's what her thoughts led me to. It's not that though, it's the opposite. I've got to a point I can look at more, admit more, accept more and try and deal with more. That's why I need this help now, even if this ends up being a long term thing, its trying to face up-to more of what's been going on inside me.

Cinema, arguments and recoverys

Today was a pretty tough day in the end. I don't know if its because of lack of sleep, or if maybe it's just an early side-effect of the meds (or both) but I was just uptight from the moment I got up today. Just... edgy. Nervy and slightly agitated. Curled up with the boy and chatted, watched a few cartoons (he just SO loves super-hero cartoons now and sits chatting away about the different characters wanting to know what they can do and can't and what their weaknesses are) and then drove to the cinema to meet his mum.



She was happy to see him. As it was Mothers Day I paid for us all to see the latest version of Charlotte's Web. Its a really sweet film, so beautifully done, just sweet enough and Julia Roberts is a complete delight as the voice of Charlotte.



We all enjoyed the film, and I sat there making myself relax and forget the edgy feeling while I watched. When we left, I just wanted to get back home as quickly as possible and not linger on the goodbyes or anything and make myself more fragile. We got to the cars, I handed over his stuff and she asked if she had a card. Oh dear. Yesterday when we were in the shops, the boy point blank refused to buy a card as he had made them at school. He was NOT in a good mood yesterday and was pretty insistent that he already had her a card, so he didn't need another. I decided to listen to him.



So I told her, he had made her one from school, and she freaked. Freaked that we hadn't bought her a card. I think her exact comment as she stormed off to the car was that she would go and buy herself one then. So I got in my car and drove off, really not wanting to be involved. I think I could see her telling him off in their car as I left. Maybe I could have gone back, but past experience has shown me that removing myself from the situation is the best thing to defuse it as then she has to calm down.



So I drove off, and she kept ringing me. I assumed she was just being pissed off at me, so I ignored it as I was driving. Eventually, after about the 7th time, on both my cell phones I gave in and answered quickly and i'll admit a little angrily saying what, as I was driving. Her car had broke down. Joy. I wasn't about to go back and help, she was not exactly sounding happy, so I said of course she could use the breakdown cover I still paid to include her on, so I knew they would be alright. Feeling bad about the card, thinking I had so made the wrong decision about that as I wasn't thinking too rationally over the weekend. I drove home, ignoring a few more phonecalls and rang her when I got there.



The breakdown company had refused to deal with her as she started off by saying she didn't know the address I lived at as we were seperated. It seems that even though she is named on the breakdown cover document it only applies to "spouse at same address". Well, from telling me this she then started on saying she was an unfit mother, that I should come get the boy and take him away and have custody of him full time. Basically one of her normal "things are going wrong so I will start digging at myself" rants. I said no, I wasnt going to come get him, so she said she would take him to social services.



I lost it at this point. I was sitting in the car in the drive and just screamed at her to stop being such a fucking idiot and saying stupid things like that and didn't she realise I was going fucking nuts here and couldn't handle this sort of shit anymore. I was just shaking. I really felt too fragile to deal with that sort of thing. So I hung up. Went inside and tried to calm down. When I had got my breath back. I phoned her, she needed me to speak to them and say it was ok for her to use my policy. They phoned, were very apologetic about the situation and asked if it was ok. When I explained, they said that was fine this time as she would be off the policy next time.



After all that I was pretty washed out and fragile and feeling physically a little shakey, buzzing in an agitated way. It did not feel how I normally handle things, so I knew it was just something I had to wait out. Nothing to do about it but wait til it passed.



My Owner was online so I just said hi and curled up on the couch. Just sort of stared out the window and sat with her, really only looking up every now and then when she said something. Its probably what I needed, just some space with out any pressure to talk, or say anything, but just the quiet company there every now and again. So I sat there, speaking maybe every 10-20 mins, and just trying not to let it get to me. A very weird feeling. After she went to bed I just watched some tv, til I texted the ex to make sure she was ok. She phoned back a little after that to apologise. She said she hadn't realised the boy had made her a card at school and it was lovely, and she was so pleased with it and really was fine he hadn't bought a card too. I guess she hadn't listened. I apologised too for losing it so badly with her and she said that was fine, she hadn't realised how bad I was feeling but then she could kind of remember how she felt in the same situation.



I was glad I got the chance to apologise and to know there were no bad feelings. I am also pretty glad I was proved right into NOT pressuring the boy to buy a card yesterday. I know at the time he was so insistent about it I thought it would be belittling him and what he made if I made him buy a card too. Basically telling him the one he had made wasn't good enough. I know I've not been feeling exactly rational this weekend so it was really good to know I'd still made the right decisions. It's also good to know that on a bad day I can do whats needed to get through without falling too much to pieces or being totally reliant on others.



Now its time for bed and I feel a lot calmer, more like myself again and nicely sleepy so hope I get a better nights rest.

Can't think of a title

That was a very very long pretty sleepless night, to the point I am already dreading going to bed tonight.



I am a little more awake now though, just still feeling pretty dead from being weary. It's mother's day so we are going to go take his Mum to the movies as a treat and then he wants to go back to hers early so he can spoil her for the rest of the day.

Another night

My blogs are going to get very (even more) boring as I start to record how I feel,
for future reference. I always get lost at the doctors when they say,
how long has this gone on for, how unsettled is it, how did you feel...
Time just slips together and I can't quantify it.



Another not great night of sleeping. No nausea this time though, so that was good. Just my brain feels wired awake. I am tired. Really tired, but my brain is on. Not racing thoughts on, just... very awake. Weary but not sleepy. I went to bed about 10.30pm, awake at 1am, up at 2am. Back to bed gone 3am. Doze. Awake by 6am.



So thats Wed, Thurs and Fri nights pretty bad. Grrr. Tired. Apart from that I am pretty good, a little zombied from being tired and just drinking a lot more water as I've a definite case of cotton-mouth all the time which I know is normal. Just don't get in between me and the loo when I need it, with all this water!