Presents 2

The second... well...

A dear sweet fluffalicious angel of a girl who is too good for any of us. A girl who bombarded me with all the love and more that I could take. Who hunted me down in every place she could find me to ensure that I would feel more loved than I thought possible.

Who sent me just THE sweetest gift which makes me smile whenever I see it in my bedroom.

Thankyou darlin... your box has pride of place and the hugs and kisses just leak out of it and fill the house.

Presents 1

Two things will remain with me for a long long time after my birthday. Two incredibly generous gifts from two incredibly special people. People who have blessed me with their friendship, their time and their affection.

To explain the first, a little back story. At the beginning of the week, my Owner dropped a little bombshell on me. She told me she wanted me to go to the pet store and get a dog collar. She was fairly specific over the colouring and style. Tan and simple. The first attempt, I didn't see any I liked, and I didn't want to settle for anything that wasn't just right for her. So, the next day I trudged all the way to the other end of town and found he pet shop I didn't know was there :). It was about a 15min walk from the station and I spent the whole time trying not to think about not being able to find it, or not finding something that I liked. I must have spent a good 10mins while I was there, looking at the various collars distractedly to the point that when the shop assistant came and asked if i needed help - i jumped out of my skin. I knew the right one though, so I bought it.

I had to remind myself to breathe the whole walk home. I could feel the leather in my jacket pocket where I had my hand to keep it warm. Wrapped around my fingers. Holding it and buzzing quietly til I got all the way home and could lay it on the table.

I didn't know why til the day before my birthday. I came home from work and collected the post to find a little white envelope in it. There was a little printed stamp on it saying "pet tag". I have to admit at that point my hands were shaking so much I could barely open the envelope. I so hoped for what it might be... but didnt dare, so I just held my breath while i opened it, shaking out all the loose papers for pet insurance til a little brass disc fell into my palm.

I don't remember much of the evening after that, except talking to her online and her telling me to attach it to the collar and then put it on for her. A little disc with "Owned by...." on one side, and "Kitty" on the other. Her name for me... as I'm a pup that purrs. The fact she had ordered that for me, had it sent to me for my birthday. I was just humbled and proud at the same time. I will treasure it, just as I treasure her investment in me. Holding that in my hand... feeling it against the hollow of my neck. Just... oh my god.

Walks and weekends

I always used to dread my birthday, it was a time to remind me how lonely I felt when I was trapped in my marriage. How all our friends were really "her" friends. I avoided it except for the minimum needed for the boy to enjoy spoiling his dad.

This year was so different and so special thanks to my friends and my family. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. The generosity of people astounds me. Thankyou!!

My boy and ex took me out to dinner and we had a nice time, then curled up just the boy and I to enjoy it. It was great. The weekend was good too, a busy combination of putting up decorations, going to visit Basildon Park (a country house) to see their georgian decorations. There was also a treasure trail to spot all the reindeers hidden around. Afterwards we walked in the gardens. Such a beautiful spot in the sun. The rest of the weekend found its own way. A great weekend. A great birthday.

Birthdays

A thought for what has proved to be my happiest birthday ever, before it even started.


If you have no secrets, you never have anything to be ashamed of.


Thankyou, all my special wonderful friends who make my life so rich and have taught me so much.

Tidy

I feel so much better than last week. Its scary how much better. I am not even sleeping better... just, well happier and more like things are undercontrol.

I don't know if I am just very tired, or the herb is taking the edge off but my thoughts feel a lil slower, less frantic and nothing seems to quite matter so much and I am enjoying things. The muffledness is a little weird and my memory is really not good at the moment (I am in writing lists city) but feel pretty relaxed. I noticed today I was a lot chattier at work, rather than sit just thinking about not having anything to say I was just talking, and not really thinking about what I was saying. That just doing rather than thinking feels so much more comfortable and less forced. All in all, much nicer.

My appetite seems to be returning too! I've even let myself be bad and eat stuff I would normally avoid as being too fatty just because I wanted to eat at lunch... it won't have hurt me for a few days and its left me wanting to eat mainly fruit and things in the evening.

Best of all, even though I came home so very bitterly tired this evening, I didn't curl up. I read a few blogs then got on and tidied up the house. The lounge was a state after wrapping presents last night, the rest of the house... well not in a state I was proud of. Anyone that knows me well will know that while not obsessive about cleanliness, I like a tidy house with things in their place. I don't like clutter, I like just neatness and coming home to a nice house. For the last couple of weeks I've just not been bothered too or had energy to or the will. I've tidied for the boy to come at the weekend, but the week its just been left and I've ignored it and got messier in the week. The minimum to keep going.

Tonight the house is clean, the laundry is half-upto-date. Dishwasher loaded. Sink clear. Just need to vacuum tomorrow night, clean out the bath. It feels good!

I'm just very very tired.

Goodnight all.

(the picture is my boys advent candle I am burning every day for him :) )

S&M

A good new friend of mine promised to have someone talk to me about S&M as it is something out of my experience. I want to know things, know enough to know what is and isn't me and to understand a little about what drives others. Enough to try to understand and accept.

I've had a bad tendency in the past, due to the events described earlier, to go cold at physical things. Then... in my less nice to myself moments, a strong desire to be hurt, to be made to cry just so I felt something. This was not good, and something I tried to stifle whenever it came out as I knew it was destructive. It also put a bad light on other, more positive desire in that light.

I am glad to say... I don't think those thoughts have been in my head for months, not since before the collaring in fact. I am so glad to be rid of them and be able to enjoy the other thoughts.

The other thoughts of being spanked, yes... but also flogged by her, flogged so hard it hurt and I cried but could revel in it, that the marks would remain there to run your fingers over and keep you purring. This has been something in my mind for awhile, a secret desire worming in my head which I couldnt quite look at due to the past experience with pain... pain from one you loved and who was supposed to love you.

My good friend has opened my eyes. I was so missing the relationship involved. The buildup. The mindset. The way the mind leads the body and the body reinforces the mind. All I could see was the pain and the hurt and that just makes me instantly go cold. I think I understand a little more and understand quite why I've had those dreams. They are very much because its HER and because of the relationship we have.

Learning is good.

Fetishes likes pleasures

Yes, I did a lot of calm quiet nice thinking on that walk. I think these thoughts came from that quiet acceptence you get of yourself when faced with the infinite diversity of nature.. and that you dont have to try an fit in with everyone else as you have your own place just as yourself. I was thinking about the lovely lingerie at the store I'd passed at the beginning and then letting my mind go places I'd never really let it go before, especially to things that had appealed to me in the past but I could never really look at as they weren't NORMAL.

Reading blogs on alt, talking with friends... there is such a wide range in our tastes, desires, wants... needs. Some are more developed than others, some are just little tastelets. We don't have to want the whole thing, and that always confused me. I never really understood the desire behind pony play... and yet little things about some pet play did appeal to me. Puppy play anyway. Not everything.. but things. The fact that ALL of it doesn't appeal to me doesn't matter. Its a voyage of discovery. Its a voyage she has helped me discover. It takes turns that I don't expect or wouldn't necessarily have gone, but thats the delight of it being in her control. She has opened up things, things I wouldn't even have admitted to myself and made them feel wanted. Having admitted them, I have started to accept them in myself but that just makes it more wonderful when she twists and turns and delights in playing with things HER way.

So... the latest that came out as I looked at them. It sounds so silly in writing, but it was a kind of major leap in accepting my meness.

First was thinking back to my childhood, reflecting on things my boy has said... about things being "unfair" as boys can't do them. I've always had a strong desire... from when I was little to paint my toenails. See, I squirm just to say it as it has such connotations to it, things which arent part of me. I just like the thought of it even though its a simple thing. So there, said it. I have in mind this gorgeous dark blue colour. Silly isn't it? To be hung up on such a thing that society considers odd. Hell, I am single, living alone.. why shouldn't I make the most of it? Letting this seep out in my mind led to another, deeper hidden thought. That always attraction to women's lingerie... the elegance, the prettiness of them. You know it doesn't have to MEAN anything. It doesn't have to mean I want to act feminine or dress feminine or anything... I just like their prettiness. Hell it doesn't even mean I think I'd look good with painted toes or anything... just, I like them. Thats quite a leap in my mind. Its a nice leap.

I'm quite probably bi-sexual... Even though guys don't attract me, not in the way women do... or lead me to the same level of intimacy emotionally, I like people... I like people's sexuality both male and female. I like the tactileness of people and enjoying them and the thought of them enjoying me. Just, you know... its so simple isn't it? No stereotypes, no oh if you do that you must be this... just... enjoying yourself.

I have no idea where this might get taken but, you know, thats part of it, and I'm again so grateful for what I've been shown so far about myself and just quite HOW lucky I am to have had my eyes opened.

Chastity and restriction

otahyonii wrote an interesting article about orgasm denial in her blog on alt. I was thinking about this, amongst many things, as I wondered around Bournemouth (more of that later). I haven't really written much about sexuality recently... I guess because thats one part of my life that does get expressed in conversations with my Owner. I decided though that this type of play was one which had had such a profound effect on me that it really deserved to be written about.

A brief potted history of "me". I married my first gf at 22. She is the only girl I've ever kissed... and I waited til my wedding night before we slept together. She was never interested in sex (having what she wanted - security) and in fact with a year or two went the complete opposite, not even wanting to be touched by me, not even cuddled. After that, things settled a little... enough to have our son anyway, but with her post-natal depression we led into the final pattern of anger and blowups that split us apart, with both physical and emotionally abusive sides. We are both much happier apart and get on well as friends now we have that space between us and can walk away. Her hormone treatment also settled the cycles considerably. Anyway, one of the results of this was having my sexuality thrown in my face in those times of anger. I think the words hurt more than the physical side. When someone tries to hit or tries to put a pillow over your face or tries to put their hands around your neck you can just go limp, not react, go quiet and wait til its over... let their anger blow past when they don't get the reaction they want (I don't suggest you should do this in abusive situations, but it was reacting against her she wanted.. so not reacting would diffuse the situation). You just don't even think about it after awhile. It was the words that hurt though, she would throw in my face how crap I was in bed, how she hated me touching her. When we did have sex, I felt bad at being such a beast that I couldnt say no to those desires even though I knew it would come back in my face. So sex was quick and left a bad feeling in me as well as obviously a tendency to come very quickly.

To the present, and having worked out a lot of those issues... Chastity play, restrictions... all things which work well when you are involved in distance play. She trusts me, what I say, that what happens is what happened. That can't do anything but keep reinforcing the bond between us. I am not allowed to touch myself without permission. Not allowed to cum without permission. Everytime I see a pretty girl and get that hint of arousal, I am reminded. Everytime a word or phrase or thought comes up that does the same, I am reminded. I am reminded of her. I am reminded of her control, of her prescence, of the power exchange between us and my position.

When she tells me I can do something, the reaction is intense and immediate, no matter how I was feeling... and that again just reconfirms how my sexuality is entirely in her hands and for her amusement. I can't begin to say how much I love this. It works on more levels than I can begin to explain. The way the desire and hunger build up. The slightest thing making you feel needy and wanting. The way it tears through my normal restraint and the desire just burns in sheer animal lust. Whatever it is that arouses me, its her at the centre of my thoughts. Worming round n your mind. Even when I have been allowed to play, that knowledge is there it was because SHE wanted it.

So how does this relate to the past 10 years? Well... this was a little while ago, after my wonderful Owner had first started down this path... it had been two weeks of not touching. After teasing and talking she said to me simply I could stroke. That first stroke I have to say, I thought I would die. It was heaven. She taught me totally in that one moment how much I had been missing concentrating on the climax... rather than the sheer pleasure of the act itself. She totally changed my sexuality around in one moment and gave me back the pleasure I had been missing.

I cannot begin to express how much this means to me, how different I see things now. This just reminds me again the duality of the D/s relationship. I gave over that side of myself to her and she has enjoyed and eaten it up... and I have gained so much back from her in return. She has taught and is teaching me things which are life changing. I would have done it all for the smile on her face, but instead have been so richly blessed.

Sleeping

I took the valerian about half hour before bed. It's one of the main ingrediant in Kalms, which I've taken before so I've taken it before. After watching X Factor and the beginning of the Take That audience (hey, I'm the right age.. I was curious, thats all it was, honest) I snuggled down to sleep just before 10pm. Annoyingly but unsurprisingly I woke up about 2.30am as has been normal this week. The rest of the night was very on/off as it has been, mostly just lying in bed really NOT feeling tired. I don't know if its the placebo effect or if it was the herb but I was feeling slightly slow and my thoughts didn't go round and round so much. A little detached and distant so the time seemed to go quicker. I lay in bed enjoying the feel of the warmth of the duvet and the feel of the sheets and just thought about Mistress a lot to be honest, how much she meant to me, what she has said to me, the things I have learnt from her, the things I treasure, the reassurance and the trust I have in her - especially in those times when I feel bad about myself or feel I have nothing to offer anyone or could be no interest. I know how she see's me and I trust it... and I let myself dwell on those in my slightly slow state. Things didnt seem to get to me so much and I found myself idly thinking of her touch, her caress in my hair, her fingers running over my skin, her fingers inside me. Just her delight in me. Luxuriating in that and how my body reacted to those thoughts. Towards early morning... yes there were a few little bad thoughts but they couldn't linger with that in my mind. I couldn't get myself out of bed til about 8am, even though I wasn't sleeping... it was just nice being in the warm and having nothing to do. Today felt a little weird, still that same detachedness and slowness of thinking. I don't know if it was the herb or just my tiredness slowly taking its toll. It didn't feel a bad thing though, not if it took the edge off and stopped me going round in circles.

Sea walks

Saturday, when I left the boy playing, I got my dad to drop me off in Boscombe so I could go walking and Christmas shopping.

I started off by wandering through the arcade in Bournemouth to window shop in two of my favourite stores there. One is called "Down Under Lingerie" which apart from the normal male/female underwear also proudly displays all sorts of corsets and other items (think costumes, long sleeve gloves, etc) in the normal materials as well as PVC, etc. They have utterly beautiful window displays from the elegant to the downright erotic and kinky. *purrrr*

Just by them is another beautiful shop, Dazzle specialising in that lovely mix of goth/victorian/hippy/whatever you want to call it wear. Just beautiful. I did finally drag myself away from drooling over the displays and head out into the sun.


I felt good as I walked down the hill to the sea. When the first hint of the sea salt hit me I felt wonderful. Looking out into the ocean, the wind hitting my face, the sheer power of the sea as it swept against the beach (it was quite windy) the warmth of the sun despite the winter air. How can you not just feel how insignificant your problems are when faced with that? How can anything seem to matter when you just stand and stare and it seems to go on forever. The sea was there, doing that yesterday... a year ago... a hundred years ago. Way before I was born. It will be there a hundred years after I've gone. Its awe inspiring. How can we ever feel alone when nature is there, providing that constant, providing that beauty, providing that terrible power.


I walked along the sea front to Bournemouth, passing all the people who were walking - families, dog walkers, children, couples. It felt good knowing the same thing had drawn us all there. It felt so good to be in a place I really belonged. I've missed being outside so much, the long walks where you just enjoy being. It really is where I belong. Considering I can't swim and don't like deep water... I love water. Lakes. Rivers. Waterfalls. The sea. Ever changing, ever flowing, yet always there.

Being outside, in the open.. in the sun, with the wind in my face, it puts things in a good place and blew away many of the cobwebs that had been settling there. By time I reached Bournemouth I was happy. That quiet bubbly happy that puts a smile on your face and makes you look around in wonderment at the world around you and give a smile at all those hassled busy shoppers. It even put me in the mood for Christmas shopping :).

I really enjoyed the Christmas shopping. I think I must have spent over 2 hrs there. I found a couple of presents that were listed as sold out online in the first shop I went into (Past Times) which was SO awesome. I'd known exactly what I wanted to get these people and it would have been a shame to have to change... so finding it in a real store was perfect! Saved me postage too! From then it just got better. OK so I spent a fortune but I did it happily. Down to two presents left to get now. Each of these things was for a reason, for these friends who mean so much to me, none of the presents were out of obligation or because I had to find something. I stopped for a Starbucks at Borders to celebrate and made the walk home.



The walk home was as beautiful. Night was falling and it had a majesticness of its own. So different than the dark of trudging home from work. This was again nature showing her colours. Flaunting them and daring me not to be bedazzled by her beauty. I admit it. I'm in love and hope I never forget it.

I phoned Dad and he came to pick me up in Boscome. The whole family came out to get me and hearing the boy's excited "what did you get, what did you get" just finished it off.

I can't believe I've nearly finished my Christmas shopping now! Especially with the dog things this morning. I won't even deny wistfully looking at the collars and leashes in the pet store.

Freaking

OK, so while i have been nagged all my life about such things I've never actually managed to freak myself before. Well I guess there is a first for everything huh?

Before I showered on Sat evening I used my parents bathroom scales and almost wished I hadn't as it really freaked me out when it said 107lbs, but I think I'd rather have known. I knew this virus had knocked me back a bit but anyway. So apparently in the last 3 weeks or so I've lost about 7lbs and this explains why my jeans were feeling a little baggy. It may also go a way to explaining some of the lethargy and other things I've been feeling recently. I am really not very happy with myself about this, despite knowing just how unwell I had been feeling, so I will be careful now. I have not been this light in... 6 or 7 years?

I asked at the local health food store and they recommended Echinarea to help with my immune system and Valerian to help with my stress and sleep. So I bought some to go with my multi-vitamins as I start to build myself back up again. I'll also get some scales for this house to keep an eye on it.

A moment stepped out of time

It's probably been obvious I am not at my most content at the moment. One of the things I'm now learning that I actually learnt over the last year is how to admit when thats the case and to do practical things to cope with it, rather than living in denial. Part of this is to not try and be a superman and to ask for and accept help or do things to make it easier on myself.

So this weekend I asked if I could go down to see my parents and was really pleased that they were happy to accept the boy and I down there on such short notice. The boy was really pleased to be going down to see them as he wasn't expect to get down there til after Christmas, so I picked him up nice and early, about 8.30 on Sat morning. The boy lives just over an hours drive in the wrong direction to my parents so I was pleased he was ready and raring to go. He was in a wonderful mood, the hour and a quarter drive down to the coast went by so fast as we just chatted and gossiped and generally talked about nothing. He was playing and beeping away on his Tamagotchi as we went down, happily telling me how healthy it was or that he had just given it another injection or beaten it (that's my boy ;-) ), planning games out loud, talking about his week, talking about Christmas coming, scheming with me about Christmas presents we were going to buy.

When we got to my parents he couldn't believe it, he thought it had only been a few minutes. Time really does fly by with those you love.

It was great to see my parents. I'd started to relax as soon as I had the boy in the car and being around the folks, the normality of it, the ease we fall into the old ways, just the comfort of it. It was wonderful and just what i needed. As soon as I got there I knew i'd done the right thing. We got there nice and early, and apart from nearly giving Mum a heart attack as she wasn't expecting us there, it was great. We chatted and played for a bit. The boy sat down and wrote in every single one of the Christmas cards I needed him to write. He didn't complain once! He just looked at each card, asked who it was for and why I had bought that particular card for them and wrote in it, giving appropriate kisses and hearts depending on who it was. I love he knows and loves my friends even the ones online. I am so proud of his reading and writing, he read the insides of each card. He has become so patient, something I would never have believed with that flitterbrain.

I went out for a few hours after lunch (more of that later). This was something I used to feel really guilty about, but part of that learning experience. If I want to be the kind of Dad and friend I want to be, I need to be willing to take time for myself. He was happy playing camps in the lounge with the grandparents around and about and he had the choice, but didn't want to come with me. That was fair enough, he was a little tired and just wanted to play, so I felt happy with letting him get on with it. We sat and chatted and played in the evening later. He looked at all the Christmas presents I had bought and was over-the-moon I had found him an Advent Candle to burn at this house. I had a little chuckle to myself as the lil sod started to get grumpy and argumentative as the evening went on - everything I said about X Factor he just HAD to disagree with. He is very predictable. This is when you are glad you've given yourself the time for yourself, so you can just be patient and firm but not get mad back and just deal with it til the lil darling gets to bed.

Today he was in a lovely mood. He chatted and played and then he and I went to go feed the ducks. After the heavy rainstorms over night it was one of those glorious bright mornings, so we looked around to see how swollen the river was, going for a little walk. He actually ASKED if we could carry on walking as he wanted to go walk with me today, after not wanting to yesterday. We walked, up as far as the pet shop by all the super-stores and spent a happy 20mins browsing and choosing dog-christmas presents for my best friends beagle (I now have a Christmas Stocking, pig ears and Dog Christmas card to go into the pile to post up). I was pretty chuffed again with how far we walked, we must have been gone an hour - so we stopped off at a little tea room just around the corner from my parents so he could have a milkshake and i could have a coffee to warm.

Mmmmmm just perfect. I am NOT surprised he slept the whole journey home!

Inspirational words

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Time and space

You know, you can do the same thing but for different reasons and one can be good and one can be bad for you, just depending on why you make that choice.

Last night, I knew I felt a little fragile... so I was quiet. Quiet and kept myself to myself a little. I didn't feel like being around people, with trying to talk or getting myself more frustrated.

Now, with my history that could have been running away if I had of let it. Instead, I'd been honest with myself and admitted what would have been bad for me and made a decision. Yes... the same action, but for a completely different reason and one I am glad of. Giving myself time and space rather than hiding. Maybe something I should do more of.

Crucify

So, this was the thing I mentioned previously that I didn't want to write about but its the other side of the coin to the new found hope. Its there, so its written about. I didn't sleep well again last night. It took me awhile to get to sleep when I went to bed at 9pm, then was awake just after 2ish. The rest of the night was on/off with me becoming increasingly unpleasent towards myself in my thoughts, curling and twisting round the same hopeless vindictive thoughts at myself. The same old stories. Of course then by time it came to 5.30am I was tired and could have slept... but then work calls. Just keep it quietly inside so no one else has to suffer it with me.

I'm always reminded of a song at these times, well the times after. Tori Amos 'Crucify'. The line always sticks in my head "Why do we crucify ourselves, Every day I crucify myself". I would just change one line of the song though... instead of "Nothing I do is good enough for you" its "Nothing I do is good enough for me" as I know thats the reality of the situation. Knowing that doesn't tend to stop me when its 3am and I can't sleep though. It's what I do though, silently crucify myself in ways and words and thoughts I wouldn't dream of directing towards my worst enemy. The why's and what's don't really matter, they are just old demon's that come back to haunt me, the demon's of depression and how they manifest themselves. I finally got up feeling hopeless and resigned to this is how I am at my age in life so get used to it and with a shrug went into the day.

So... the thoughts from the station, the realisation of how we can change, no matter how impossible it seems. Well. It was a comforting thought and one I will let me carry through the day to the weekend.


--

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Bodies

I should call this blog "a matter of perspective". That seems to be a common theme. I had a torrid night, I'll write about that in a bit. I don't really want to write about that, its not a part of me I am proud of... but when I first started this I promised myself I would just write what was, no matter how it hurt, or how I didn't want to look at it or how I would worry how people saw me. This blog has always been about my headspace and has never been about wanting sympathy or oh look at me or wanting attention. Its for me and me alone, to ground myself, to give myself a sense of reality and perspective on my own thoughts. A mirror.

First though this morning. Its the weirdest thing. After another bad night sleeping I was walking from the station into work, thinking. I guess most of the bad thoughts had already come out by then and some sense of calm or resignedness was settling in, so I was just kind of idly poking around inside my head to see what was there. I was thinking about how I saw myself and I think, just a week before my 35th birthday, I realised I've actually finally come to like my body. This was a bit of a shock as I guess its been such a gradual thing it's crept upto on me. There were so many years where I disliked looking in a mirror or avoided looking at myself undressed. So many years where it got to me when people would talk about feeding me up or about being too skinny. So many years of getting quietly angry inside when kids would make comments as I walked down the street (yes, they still do sometimes).

I remembered Maddy asking in her blog (hey darlin btw, love you too) what part of ourselves we loved most and at the time I said my bum (as it is kinda nice I think). Now I think I have to say I actually like all of me. I am not skinny, I am slim. I am not gawky and awkward I am co-ordinated enough to do what I need to do. My legs aren't bandy or stick thin, they are tight and muscled. I am not too white or ill looking, I am just pale and that accents my slimness. I am not weak, I am just not overly muscled in ways that would look odd on my frame. I am not underweight, I am the natural weight for my body at this time in my life, the weight it wants to be at. I am not ugly, I have a face that shows how I feel and a smile that lights it up. My voice isn't too high, it's expressive and can't hide whats inside me. Yes... I get worn down pretty easily, yes when I am stressed or unwell I suffer from acne but so do many others. Its just a physiological fact and nothing to really get hung up about.

I like how I look. I really do. Let's not talk about my complete lack of fashion-sense. I like how I look underneath that. I am most comfortable naked as its just how I am. This week talking with a new friend helped me click all this into place. We were talking and she addressed probably the last thing I hadn't quite got into the right perspective. I think my attitude had slowly been changing thanks to things others had said, the seeds had all been sown. But she opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and now I'm finally content with it. I made that leap from kind of understanding and accepting others saw things differently to me, to actually seeing it differently myself. So. Another demon put to rest. It was an important moment, and I think I realise quite how important it was in hindsight now.

It felt good. Especially after the night. A week before my birthday and I find somehow in the last year I've grown to like my body without even really seeing the change or knowing how it happened. Sometimes I get despondent of how can I ever change, I mean after 34 years like this... is there really a chance to change how we think? Isn't this just me and how I am?

Somehow... someway I find something I never thought possible HAS changed, without me even knowing it. That has to give you hope, doesn't it? I know it's made me feel a lot happier and more content despite the other side. Kinda that its just another thing to get in its place, give it time... give it time.

Meetings

This morning sums up the frustration I have with work at times.

We had our team meeting. An hour where our boss told us he didn't know things, couldn't do things or had no information to tell us on a variety of subjects. We also went through a pre-audit checklist where he agreed we didn't have any real processes or procedures ourselves but it was ok, as they weren't going to audit us. I find this a little demotivating and demoralising. When your boss just sits there agreeing how bad things are and that none of the management above him tell him anything but that they should... well... it breeds a certain culture.

I am not saying I want to be lied to and be told all is fluffy. I'm a big boy and I've worked in big and small business... I know the reality of financials and the bottom line and how it comes down to money in the end. However, realistically yes there are things which are out of our hands or management won't have decided, or won't tell but... We don't need to be reminded of it quite so much, especially as it displays his frustration and lack of control so clearly.

The design review later went as they typically do. We, as operational staff, asked the questions such as how would this be supported, infrastructure in place to manage it, etc, etc, which had been ignored by the design staff who have no operational responsibility. No one likes to say "no" to the projects, or point out the implications of doing things - so its left to us. I hope we don't come across as awkward but instead as trying to do a conscientious job and the best we can with whats available. However, if no one asks... how will anyone know these things are just going to cause problems in the future?

I slept last night. From about 8.30pm til 1.30ish... then about 40mins later til 6am. This morning I was so heavy and muzzy headed I couldnt get out of bed and lazed there til nearly time for the second train. Glad I did too as the train was so delayed I ended up catching my normal train just 40mins later! Now I am feeling weary as the last few days have caught up with me. Yesterday it was masked by my sleepiness, now its just sinking into my aches and pains.

God I must be getting old!

Days

A tired day at work is a weird one. Sometimes it seems to go fast, sometimes it seems to go slowly. I always seem to end up working late for some reason, I guess to compensate for the fact I think I didn't really concentrate.

I'm glad I sent that email in the night, the head of the Customer Systems read it before a 9am meeting we knew nothing about and weren't invited to. Apparently he mentioned the email but didn't understand it so came to talk to us afterwards. We discussed the options and he went away happy to talk to people. That felt good.

Had a meeting which we really weren't keen on having, more stuff dragged up from the past. I think my tiredness reduced my tolerance and reticence so I went in and just put our point of view over and how things were going to be, before they really had a chance to start speaking. That was the end of it! It was so nice to not have another pointless meeting drag on and waste more time.

More annoyingly later... the design guy came down, and we mentioned about the CRM system. Seems now that its become politically interesting they are interested and have decided a mere 30k on a new system will provide the resilience. 30k!! thats peanuts! This problem has been there for over 2 years and has been raised by us so many times, falling on deaf ears. So many times they have said it would cost too much, etc, etc. Its so frustrating, so much time wasted because they didn't want to get involved and now an arbitary decision such a small system would cover it.

In a way it makes me wonder why I bothered... but to be honest I think without it it wouldnt have provoked them to make any contribution, so it still was worth it. The other alternatives suggested previously were... nuts.

Have to see the bright side, don't you?

Work & Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping again. The night before it was nightmares and then unable to sleep. Tonight I went to bed early, just after 9 and then by 1am I just couldn't sleep. I lay in bed for about an hour tossing and turning til I followed the advice of a wise woman I know "If you aren't sleeping in the bed, or doing something else... then you shouldn't be in the bed." A wise thought and one that stops associating the frustration of not being able to sleep with the bedroom.

So I got up and did some work. Something that was on my mind and I really wanted to do last night but didn't have the concentration span to do. It comes to something when writing an email counts as an achievement, but it was a constructive, helpful, proactive, elegant and technically sensible one and something I probably wouldn't have got chance to do in the day with all the hassles. I know thats probably half of what was on my mind before I went to sleep as it was the last thing at work yesterday.

Work is, I think, beginning to stress me again. I know I am finding it harder to switch my mind off in the evenings, as evidenced by the lack of sleep the last few nights. We are getting into Christmas silly season with full swing. This means managers from our customer randomly coming up with panicked predictions of load over Christmas with no real idea what might happen, just demands it be fixed. Well, if there was a problem and we knew what was wanted we probably would... but with the amount of "this must be done by Christmas" projects in at the moment, something is going to have to give - and i hope its not us.

This particular one is the thorn in our flesh. Our CRM system. Since it went in to replace the previous disaster it has had "issues". Many of the code changes introduce new queries which just hammer the system. Short term fix? Throw more tin at it and make it bigger. Then the code gets kind of fixed, the performance problem goes away again and no one really addresses the issue as its "working". Til next time. Of course each of these quick fixes means a desperate rush to get it done as everything is broken. The slow time afterwards then just gets taken by other, new, more urgent projects. This one has been owned by so many managers arranging meetings which never went anywhere, taking time where we went, heard the same things, never quite knew what people thought they wanted, then went away again and went quiet as something had been "seen" to be done. People making noise for the sake of wanting to be seen to be making noise. Nothing has been achieved upto now except to nark us off.

So. Now another manager has it and he came to see us yesterday, after another round of meetings that this time we WERENT invited to. (Another fun game at our place, the attendee's of meetings change and then things get decided for the others to do, so you THINK you know what was going on as you went to some meetings, but really you don't.... its just a false sense of security). The "definition" of the problem has changed, but they try and shoe-horn in our previous comments which are not strictly relevant. All I can do? A beautifully constructive and helpful email suggesting an different possible way forward. Will it work? Who knows, but at least I feel I *did* something.

How Bazaar

Its always the little things that make life which make the difference. Saturday was a quiet day as it was so very wet. The boy enjoyed playing on the computer and I enjoyed watching and listening to him. I love the fact he has the patience now to play games, especially simulations, without getting frustrated at the things he does not understand.

Sunday, we went out to a Christmas Bazaar at the donkey sanctuary. I think I could grow to love that place. It has such a friendly atmosphere amongst their volunteer's, a real family feeling. We looked at the stalls, played on the raffles and tombola's, chatted with the guy from the wild-west display from last time and saw his gun collection. He chatted with the boy and I for a good 10mins and the boy was fascinated with all the replica's. Santa Claus arrived on a steam engine and the boy went into see him by himself and came out beaming. We both had a wonderful time, him enjoying the bazaar and me enjoying him. In the evening, after I had dropped him off I went and bought his Christmas present, his PC. He is going to be so excited. I am going to set it up so we can play online games together in the evenings sometimes which I think he will just love. Even if it does mean we end up buying every game twice :D

Mr Cellophane

It's dark outside, pitch black. It's not even 7.30am. It's wet. No, its not wet... the rain is hammering down outside and my feet are wet from walking to the station in it. I think these shoes need resealing, or so my socks are telling me. They are being pretty insistent on that fact.

I am very tired, I slept badly last night. Nightmares and then that restlessness where you just lie in bed without being able to sleep, til of course its time to wakeup. Then you sleep through your alarm and wake up with only a few minutes to get out the door. It's mornings like these that you need a decent latte to look forward to, but of course thats something which is no more (we did risk it yesterday, but it was appropriately horrible now... burnt latte is NOT a nice thing to come into work for so the days of the coffee are now sadly behind us).

I am grousing because I am tired and still not 100% so things tend to get to me more than they should then. What I need is a good old whinge and wallow and get it out of my system and then I'll be fine. Hmmm hey, that sounds like what a blog is for ;-).

Lately, I have had several very lovely people tell me what a nice person I am. How sincere, what a good friend. For some reason this is beginning to bug me. We know what happens to nice people and where they finish. Yes, I try to be nice to people with various degree's of success or failure depending on what kind of moody git I am. I do try and always give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter what, possibly slightly too much. I do see the good in people.

Why does it bug me that people say I am nice? Because then I start thinking thats all I am. I want to be sexy, I want to be interesting, I want to be entertaining, I want to be amusing, I want to come across as vaguely intelligent, I want to have something thats worth saying. As it is... I don't feel any of those. I am a nice person. Thats kind of it. That makes me feel so transparent, like I have nothing else to offer. I go into conversations with that thought in the back of my head that I am so shallow and really have nothing to interest them. Am I just a walking bundle of good intentions held together by simmering frustrations?

Yes. I know I spend too much time worrying about my social skills.

Yes... I am really grateful for everyone that tells me I am nice and they appreciate me. Thankyou. I am glad you think so and glad you like having me around and think enough to say it... and I know you really do truly mean it in the nicest possible way... and I am glad despite my little falls along the way and my bitchiness, you think I am a good friend.

You know, in hindsight... I kinda like being a nice person and wouldn't give up what I am to be anyone else. I mean, 'cos them I might not have been able to be there when you needed.

See. Have a little bitch. Let ourselves wallow and get it out and the world seems a brighter place again. Much much better than bottling it up.

I would *so* love a nap now though.

Porn

I am rebuilding my ex's PC but havent had any chance to start this week with the late days from the course, etc. I managed to start hunting down files last night (don't you love it when people don't know what they have on the PC and where it is?).

So I was hunting down files on her PC to make sure I didn't miss any and I came across a movie clip in her received files folder. I assumed it was the normal "funny" movie sent by one of her gf's so opened it up to check and almost had a heart attack when I saw it was a guy laying on his back stroking himself til he came. I was SO glad the boy had gone to the bathroom at that moment as I choked and spluttered. Knowing her, some guy she was chatting with will have sent it to her and then she would have blocked him but I was SOO shocked.

I was an evil bitch today though and asked her quietly if she wanted me to copy the file onto her new PC as I didn't want to make any assumptions... She got just a little bit embarrased but she did find the funny side of it.

So I'll delete it, but emmm may just make a copy for myself first (it was a very nice clip).

Malingering

I am definitely not 100% still, the cough is still lingering and that general feeling of not being quite with it is still there. The boy was not feeling too great either last night so we cuddled up early in bed.

Grrr I do hate these things of general unwellness that last and last and last. Thursday driving home from the course I felt so sick I really did not enjoy the rest of the drive home. I think it might have been my travelling companions rather aggressive driving giving me motion sickness, but it made the drive back frmo his house pretty unpleasent. Just glad I made felt better the next day as I really did not want to miss that course.

Just hold with me til my concentration returns back to normal :)

Geeky dreams

Two days on a course at IBM and what a wonderful pair of days it was too. An exploration of Virtualization on the PowerPC architecture using AIX and Linux as a preparation to us trying to see whether it would fit into our infrastructure. A completely new thing for us and so nice to just go on a really good technical course with an honest and straight forward instructor and learn something completely new. Ahhhh i love technology sometimes :) especially when its just learning for the sake of learning how things work and it is really elegant technology.

As a bonus, out IBM technical pre-sales lady came over to that office just to see us over lunch yesterday and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute in a wonderful slightly geeky way. This is a woman who gets giggly excited talking about processor micro-partioning. OK so that might not sound like much to you but I find it damned attractive ;-). Of course I noticed the wedding ring too *grumble* but hey, you can't have everything :).

Happy Thanksgiving

For all my American friends, and all those wherever in the world - in my arms, on the phone or in your own homes. I give thanks for the richness you give my life and how you remind me what really counts.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Goodbyes

So tonight I had to say goodbye to the coffee girl as I'm on a course for the next few days and she is off emigrating (which I think is a bit extreme way to get away from me, I was never THAT obviously crushing).

I popped upto say goodbye and she told me I was walking her to the train station after work. It was nice in a typically me way, lol. She was 10mins late, on the phone to her bf, met one of her other friends outside who we walked with and we just chatted til we got to the train station and she gave me a hug. She said she'll email to let me know how she is and I hope she does.

I'm just glad I didn't let my shyness at finding someone attractive to stop me from giving them a warm smile, a cheery hi, a harmless flirt and to reach out a couple of times when she needed someone to help. I am glad I gave her a card to say goodbye and gave my email address... despite the teasing from others at work. I am above all thankful I didn't let my reservations and fears at being rejected... from stopping me doing what I love most, just being nice and friendly and wanting to help.

It kinda feels good, even though I'll miss her.

Boys and bonfires

I love my boys imagination. Its really something special to see.

When I got down there on Friday he was fully settled having been there since Thurs night. He was so excited to see me and hugged and kissed me to pieces then told me I was seeing a show that night and I had better be ready to pay.

He was excited all day and getting things ready and then about 6pm, we all had to pay... he had used string to rope off the doors into the lounge so we had to queue nicely and pay to get in. Then he go mum to serve us hot bacon sandwiches (which we had to pay for!) and acted out a bonfire and fireworks display for us, "setting fire" a huge pile of cushions (roped off for safety, of course ;-) ) and little fireworks he had drawn out and coloured in and attached sticks too so he could whooosh them up in the air.

His little happy face... well it was mirrored by ours as he gave his show. Half hour watching and a day of excitement in preparation. Just heavenly :)

Colds and DVDs

While I was at my parents though, I did get the giggles.

I was lying in bed, watching DVD's from my DVD club (like netflix) and idly started watching The Stand (which I still think is one of the best Stephen King adaptations).

There was something so ironic about lying in bed, sniffling, feverish and coughing while watching a TV programme where the apocalypse was brought about by a virus affecting people who were sniffling, feverish and coughing...

Well, it appealled to my sense of irony anyway, and hell, I find the survivors part of the story strangely hopeful.

Better

So its been a few days since I posted.

I came back from my parents so glad I had taken time off for myself. I spent a lot of time down there just enjoying the company, listening to the boy play, listening to them chat together and just letting it wash over me. Sleeping, lazing and watching DVD's and generally letting time pass in the company of those I love and who love me. A little sleep, a little food, a little fresh air in the glorious sun. Nothing too much of anything as I did tire out really easily.

I came back Sunday feeling a lot more relaxed even if very weary. My head a lot straighter thats for sure and more peaceful. I asked my ex to meet me at my house for once, to save me the extra two hours of the journey and was glad she agreed (isn't it nice being amicable?). It was also a real treat to me as it was the first time I'd had someone visit me at the house. Yes I did that running round making sure the house was perfect thing I do, especially as I hadn't been expecting to come straight back here. It was a good few hours, she liked the house, the boy showed off (as they do) and we popped into town for some lunch. She also dropped her PC off and picked up a laptop, so I can rebuild her PC.

I must have been relaxed... Later in the evening she phoned as she couldn't get the laptop to work, couldnt use the little rubber-nipple-pointer in the middle of the keyboard, couldnt get the internet to work... and gave a large dose of "i'm no good at this, just don't worry about it...", getting more and more frustrated and bitchy. I took a deep breath and told her i'd call back and we slowly sorted it out. The cables she hadn't touched had mysteriously rewired themselves between router and modem. I was pretty chuffed I'd handled it well and she hadn't got to me, at least that I was feeling better enough to not let her get to me.

This has felt a long week so far. By early afternoon I've felt weary, by the time I've got home I've been worn out so haven't tried to push it and have just let the evening go by, hence not writing... I just didn't have the energy for it. Tonight I actually feel a bit better and a bit more alive. A few more good nights sleep and get rid of this cough and hey, I might be back to full strength :).

Reviews

Does it say something when your sex toy website of choice sends you a sample of lube and asks you to write a review for them?

Unwell

Things have got a little muddled in this little head of mine.

I think there is a big dose of "I am feeling poorly and have a slight fever" mixed in with being generally worn down and out of energy (so its really kicked me hard) along with things never having quite got back on track since the half-term week. I think winter setting in hasn't helped much either.

I know despite feeling better than I did on Tues I don't feel "right" physically. Last night was a combination of sweats and nightmare - and I know the only time I ever remember having a dream of any kind is when I have a fever), so I am pretty sure my thinking is kind of up the creek and things are blowing out of proportion and I am being overly negative and self-critical. I feel pretty jittery and on-edge and while paranoia and self-doubt are my middle names they aren't normally quite this blind. It does stink of my mind fighting battles it doesn't need to when I should just relax and get well, so I have no idea how much these things really are bothering me or if I am just picking at things for the sake of finding something. I guess time will tell.
I also know how worn down I am generally. This is, of course, my own stupid fault for not taking care of myself. Since half-term its too many skipped meals, too many disturbed nights sleep, add in stress at work and some evening work and you have a recipe for alan self-destructing.
My landlady flies from NL to Philipines on Sat... OK so she is already gone but, she is still in this timezone so we still chat, even though she is stressed as hell. After Sat, its a completley different timezone and I feel that loss coming. Its like a safety blanket going and the world suddenly feels a much scarier emptier lonelier place. Talking to her and to my best friend on the phone were two of the things that got me out of my head and into the real world so much and kept reminding me its only complicated if we make it... and with both those gone the temptation is to crawl back inside and hide.

Winter... means dark in the morning to work, dark in the evening at home. No more walks in the evening and that feeling of being trapped looms in. Winter does have some lovely delights but... the dark evenings for me are not one of them.

What it most comes down though I think is my lack of energy at the moment. When it becomes a struggle to talk to people because you just don't have the energy to think of anything to say, when every time you put on a smile for someone because you don't want to be a burden... that burns up a little more of what you had, well, it just becomes survival and the truth is I've even been sucking at surviving the way I've been behaving. Its amazing how quickly those skipped meals add up, just because I wasn't hungry. Then it comes to I get through work and am exhausted when I get home, and so have no desire to cook. Then I simply have no appetite. It is a vicious circle and one that does spiral downwards very quickly, probably into getting rundown enough to let a simple cold kick you in the shins like it has. You really just don't notice it while its happening though. Did I really skip that many meals? How did it add up so quickly? I am a smart, reasonably intelligent guy... how can I get so wrapped up in things I don't notice what I am doing to myself. Don't I care?

So back to basics, lets ignore the bad feelings, the old tunes I've been telling myself the last few days, the I'm so bad's... or the I have no right to feel like this as I have such a privilaged life. They aren't worth dwelling on, they are a by-product, a symptom of what I've let myself do to myself. Well, I think, as much as my fevered mind lets me think with any definite idea. Time to kick my ass out of the rut I've got myself in and do something about it as I'm the only one that can. That starts with dealing with my eating habits. Being disciplined. Yes, I know I should do these things naturally but I obviously don't so I need to do something about it. So, I am going to start at the beginning of the week writing a meal plan for the whole week, then going shopping for those specific meals to get over the whole aimless get home from work and wonder what i will have tonight and then not feel like it. Start having my multivitamins again, and look at other supplements to try and build up my immune system. Hopefully, get myself back into a better situation physically which will stop me getting rundown and worn out and have some energy to look at other things. I am also seriously considering joining a gym much as the thought scares me. I don't need to lose weight.. at 8 stone I am probably underweight but healthy for my metabolism when I don't forget myself. But... I know I have a fairly static job apart from my walk to and from work. Something says inside my head it would do me good to a) get out the house an evening a week, b) build up my general fitness, c) work out some of the stress from work and d) possibly most importantly do something to tire myself out physically as well as just mentally as work does. It might also improve my appetite and make me WANT to eat. Its the thought going round in my head at the moment anyway.

Its kind of weird how you can go from feeling hopeless to hopeful just with a few changes of thought. I will admit to just surviving at the moment and whilst the whole progression back to feeling like I am living again does seem too much to imagine or do, and so does make me feel hopeless - I can imagine working on just a few small things to make an improvement and see how we go from there. Even if this is me thinking too much as I am poorly I feel more positive having made some sort of plan going forward.

I really want to have the sort of energy I have which lets me love being around others and feel I have so much to give as its not taking away from me. I know how I am around people does change a lot when I feel weary and tired out and I much prefer the alan that can talk and talk for ages, even if he isn't a happy bunny and is rambling on about it... rather than just curl up quietly as he doesn't have the strength to speak. Thankfully though, somehow, if a someone needs to chat or lean on me that gives me a strength of its own, so I am glad I've not lost being able to do that upto now. Time to make sure I never DO lose that though. I mean, I do have a Mistress to keep entertained amongst other things ;-).

So, that starts tonight. I am taking tomorrow off and having a long weekend and going down to my parents for the weekend to see my boy (as he is down there for the weekend) and relaxing and resting and spending a few days away from a computer just to give my head chance to settle again. *grin* you don't know HOW much hard work it sounds to relax at the moment!

Barefaced cheek

For all those of you that have the sheer cheek and audacity to show you care and worry about me - despite me pushing you away, being grumpy or miserable or down or just saying "I'm ok" when thats blatantly untrue.


Thankyou. You don't know what it means.

group hug?

Boots and Trains

Oh my god.

So I was sitting next to this woman on the train who I see on and off most days who wears THE most fabulous boots every day. At 6.40 on a cold train station you notice the little click click click of heels.

Well I was sitting next to her in the aisle as it was a busy train and after stewing on it for mucho minutes turned round and said "Excuse me, but I really wanted to say how stunning your boots always look every day". I quickly explained that sometimes compliments shouldnt be left unsaid as you never know when it might make it a good day and managed to completely not blush at all. We exchanged a few more words and she said thankyou and then since I suck at ongoing conversation it went quiet. I am kind of glad though I did say something and didn't just sit in silence and then regret later the opportunity. At least next time I see her I can give her a smile and see whether she has taken a restraining order out on me as some weird-foot-fetishist. (OK so the fact I maybe one is nothing to do with it, no one else knows that dear blog).

Those boots DO look good though and as I told her, I admire anyone that can walk in those heels.

Zippers

Somethings people say or show you just launch idea's fully fledged into your mind, so you just want to let them out, even if you do end up writing on the train ---


I could still remember the first time I'd seen the underwear on the website link she had sent. That complete fascination which led to me being unable to take my eyes off them. The way my heart seemed to stop beating at the beautiful lines of the cut, the smoooth curves you generally didn't get in men's underwear. That little shudder inside of both desire and repulsion at what wearing them meant, a little battle inside that in the end could only go one way as I gave into the attraction and revelled in the feeling inside, knowing she was sitting there quietly laughing knowing the struggle inside me that was playing over my face. I flicked on through the other leather panties, specially designed to be in male sizes but with a female cut. All beautiful in their own ways, with the added bonus of being in a soft leather that would be so warm to the touch. Such lovely lovely things. It was seeing the ones with the zips that made me gasp though. The implications of that, such a double shock. First the women's cut... and then such a slutty thing. Making easy access for whomever wanted it, whenever they wanted it. I knew she was laughing more at that, as well as that dreamy lustful purr.

Now though, wearing them, it was beyond that shock. It was like a daydream when I had unwrapped them from the soft tissue in the package and held them in my hands for the first time. Revelling in the softness, how it warmed to my fingers. The texture so different than anything else I had held. The little strips of leather holdin the front and back together, to fit snuggly on the hip. I just turned it over and over in my hands, somehow managing to ignore even thinking of the zip so obviously running down the middle. With a little sigh which marked the end of even considering what I was doing, I bent to slip my feet through and then to pull them up my legs and then covering me, readjusting myself to hide with the unaccustomed snugness. Shivering at the feel of them as they had caressed my skin, and now safely enclosed me. Shivering as I looked down and saw that unfamiliar shape on my body, knowing that would be there all day. Shivering as the metal of the zip ran straight up against my balls and tucked away cock, making me unable to forget about it.

The day passed both quickly and slowly. Every time I moved in my seat I could feel the leather pressed against me, the touch of the zipper moving over my skin, the unaccustomed clinginess, so many different sensations. Sensual, disturbing, but definitely distracting. Unable to forget about it that was for sure, knowing it was there. I looked around all the time, sure people would notice somehow, either in the way I quietly squirmed in my chair, wriggling around on my bum to both get used to the feel.. and to feel it more. Or maybe some of the line would show through my trousers? Or maybe just how I acted? Or maybe... I don't know, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me of eyes on me all day.

It was a relief to get home, past the ordeal of the train journey. An ordeal? Yes, because of the eyes... but a delicious agony at that. By now I was getting a little lost in the act of what she had me wearing, the pinprick of humiliation of being dressed like this for her bringing out the sheer wanton slut inside me. The twisting around inside just having worked me up more until I couldn't think of much else apart from her. Somehow it no longer felt humiliating, it was just replaced with a desire to be like this, wanting to hear her whisper to me how pretty I looked. She had me undress when I got home. To stand in front of her in just the leather panties and turn on the spot so she could admire. A little breathy sigh from her followed by those words I had longed to hear and that just melted me. "My pretty little bitch". I closed my eyes tight and locked my knee's at the sudden rush of blood thoughtout my body made me feel dizzy. When her hand moved to stroke up my thigh and then over my backside, stroking it through the leather all I could do was tremble... a barely audible "thankyou Ma`am" falling from my lips, the temptation to fall to my knee's almost too much to bear.

I didn't have to really worry about that, she didn't want me standing for long. Hooking her foot under a small rectangular stool she dragged it over, dropping a pillow on the top and placing it before me. Reaching up she twisted her fingers in my hair, bringing my lips to hers to kiss her hungrily before snapping the leash to my collar and and forcing me downwards to drape across the stool, pushing my head down more so my ass shot up in the air. That she couldn't resist and lay a light slap across it with her free hand, chuckling to herself at the sound it made on the panties.

"Stay there pet" she rasped, a peculiar husky quality to her voice as she wrapped the leash around one of the front legs, leaving me to shake quietly in that position. She came back behind me, I could feel her warmth against my side as her leg brushed past, then the soft gentleness of her fingers as they ran back from my shoulders, down my arms caressing, til she caught my wrists in her fingers and pulled them sharply together across the middle of my back, holding them in place while she swiftly bound them in place. Her hands slipped between my thighs, making me moan as she gently parted them wide... my cock swelling in response to her light touches, the way she twisted her hands to trail her nails against my skin. The tightness of the panties as my cock swelled made me moan and squirm, which just encouraged her more... making me willingly part my legs for her. In a moment I had no choice as she deftly slipped more rope around them and tied them to the appropriate leg of the stool, holding me in that position she had so delicately teased me into. I could feel the rope cutting tight into my thighs, holding me still, stopping me from squirming as she ran her hands over my body, up my sides then raking down my back making me moan and struggle to move, so aware of how my cock had pushed free from the top of the panties, pressing into the pillow... leaking.

"My pretty slut" she purred as her fingers roamed down lower between my legs, reaching up to cup and stroke me through the leather. I moaned of course, hell I moaned, throwing my head back as it was the only thing I could move... and even then only barely without choking myself. Her fingers caressed and probed til she was satisfied, trailing the wet tips down my thigh as my body responded to her. Purrring quietly to herself she ran her fingers back up my hardness before grasping the zipper and pulling it down with a slow deliberateness, the sound of it unzipping filling the room. I sighed at the sudden freedom as the panties fell apartchanging to a groan as her fingers teased between my cheeks. She rubbed a lubed finger against that hole, then pressing it... firmly, waiting til it gave and took her inside, twisting it slowly round laughing to herself at the different sounds she could make me make. Pulling free to push in a second, stretching... Then emptiness as you pulled back, walking round to crouch down in front of me, fingers lightly under my chin to raise my head and look in my eyes. Eyes that went wide at the unexpected sound of another zip being undone behind me. Eyes that looked up in panic at the feel of a hand spreading my ass cheeks, roughly rubbing more cold lubricant against at place. Eyes that looked up in a silent plea of I don't know what as the rough fingers were replaced by something else that was large... hard... pushing against that tiny hole. It hurt as it stretched, it hurt so bad there was no way I could take it in... I couldn't move, I tried to cried out but she stifled me with her mouth, kissing me hard as I was pushed into the stool, the pain growing more and more until... it was inside me and I was just full.... so so full, my insides feeling pressed in every direction, feeling it swelling and shrinking inside me as he clenched. Rough hands falling to my hips, nails digging in as he held me down and started to thrust... slowly at first and then harder and harder as it became slipperier, driving me into her kiss. She pulled back holding my face, watching me as his hips pressed into me, driving into my ass, making my eyes roll back in my head with each stroke, forgetting what was happening to me as it hit places inside i didn't know were there, but loved. Groaning with pleasure, my eyes full of lust and seeing the same mirrored in hers, panting hard, having to lay there and just take it and be filled, a hand holding me onto mind as they pressed into my back, using me as leverage. Fucking, hard, groans coming from behind mixing with ours and rising in pitch til with a groan and hard thrust i felt a sudden warmth inside me as his cock pulsed over and over, making me feel so tight and swollen inside.

The emptiness as he pulled free was almost painful, making me look up at Mistress with confusion, then the little trickle of cum from my ass down my leg reminding me how she could see me there spread bound over the stool, panties pulled up. Purrring she licked my lips and stroked my cheek, saying words I could barely hear in my ear as my lust and shame were just replaced with the warmth of her pleasure in me.

Gifts

I've been left speechless tonight after opening a gift from my Owner's best friend over in the US. I don't think its quite sunk in that she spent the time to make these for my boy and I for Christmas. I have a very wide smile on my face and my boy has gone to bed giggling after I sent him a picture of them to look at.


This is such a beautifully kind thing to do and I am honoured she thought of us and gave us this gift of love. Thankyou!!! They will take pride of place when we decorate for Christmas, and decorate we will. I promise.

Reading wicked things

I started reading a new book on the train this morning. I go through phases of reading loads and then I read a book that either slows me down or I just can't complete and I sort of stop for awhile before something else catches my interest and just makes me want to read.

The new book is Gregory Maguire's "Wicked", the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West. I've wanted to read it since I heard about it and I finally saw it discounted at the weekend so snapped up a copy (ok, so we were supposed to be doing early Christmas present shopping). I've loved the Wizard of Oz for years... years and years in fact. At one of my previous jobs there was someone as mad as me in the IT dept. We kept each other from going really lala by enjoying our madness. She was the Wicked Witch and I was Dorothy. She used to go round the office calling me Dotty all the time, much to the confusion of everyone else. I would just click my heels together and humm "there's no place like home, there's no place like home" and mutter on about my ruby slippers as we definitely were not in Kansas anymore (or anyplace that was vaguely following normal laws).

So.... Now dear Dotty can click again and read the true story of his evil sister. I don't think I have ever enjoyed reading a prologue more. The author talks of his time coming over to England and writing the novel. The joy he had visiting the places he had read about in fantasy's for years... The way he whistfully name drops some of my favourite british "children's" author's as people that inspired him, those I always think no one has ever heard of.. Dianna Wynne Jones, Susan Cooper.... Happy happy memories from my childhood. I can almost see him sitting in the cafe, stealing the table to write as he looked on at one of his favourite author's as they came in to write to.

Magical, just magical - and that was before I even started reading the novel.

*clicks his heels and wishes he were home so he could carry on reading*

Learning to eat

Last night was one of those times when something happened which my mind just kind of short-cicruits and switches off about if I think about it. I can still kind of creep up at the edges of it and look at and then it just goes all... weird. Nice weird. Definitely definitely nice weird.

After asking me what was for dinner, My owner told me it was now time to eat from my bowl and that the soup I was going to have was a good idea. When she said it, my heart just kind of stopped. I don't know why, I think it was the shock of it. She has a way of getting me to get ready for things and then leaving it just long enough for me to have put it out of my mind before bringing it up again, so its just a total shock again.

When I was sent off to go reheat the soup I was in a little bit of a daze and I had to really concentrate, and it was a slightly surreal experience pouring the soup from the saucepan into the dog bowl and then carrying it into the lounge by the PC and placing it on the floor. Well first of all I placed it on the table mat on the coffee table and then looked at it and thought... hmmm this isn't right, this isn't how puppys are... just as she had said to me earlier before. Placing it on the floor was again one of those strangely intense moments when something inside just seems to bend and makes you want to mew.

Looking at it there, knowing she knew I was going to eat and then trying to take the first few mouthfuls. It made such a noise... slurping with my lips and leaning into the hot soup (a beef broth and vegetable btw, yummy), getting each lump of meat with my lips and dragging it between my teeth. Very quickly i realised my glasses were getting in the way and if i didnt want to starve or didnt want to scratch them on the edge of the metal bowl they would have to come off... so they did, and this left me very blind, just able to see the bowl clearly. On my hands and knee's i started trying to eat properly but my neck doesnt bend like that so... i found lying flat on my stomach with arms drawn up either side of the bowl but not touching it worked best. Pushing my face into the bowl, forehead pressed against the top rim and getting my chin deep into the bowl so it dripped down it, tongue and mouth into the bowl and sucking and lapping and chasing food around. It was.. messy... but the more i did it the less i cared. I wanted to eat like this, like she had ordered, and everything else stopped mattering. I curled over on my side a little to chase it round more, moving the bowl back and forth with my chin, learning to spin it with my face rather than use my hands... not touching it. I was... shocked, how I responded.

That quiet passivity, that feeling inside of the world shrinking away and just this one thing being there... this one task at hand, being so hyperfocused... I guess that wasn't so surprising, the deep ache in my balls though and the tightening of them, that I hadnt expected at all. Then imaginging how I looked with my face buried in the bowl, wiggling around on the floor trying to get all the food I can... that had that wonderful sting of slight humiliation which I know always arouses me despite the prickle of redness on my face from a near blush... I know by the end my chin and nose were covered before i wiped them in frustration to put my glasses on so I could say i couldnt get to the corners... I chose too deep a bowl, it was all that was in the shop and its a lesson learnt. She kindly let me use a spoon to finish.

I don't quite know how I think about it, but it left a deep ache inside and didn't feel as strange or unnatural as I had expected. There was a certain click inside me I'm sure.

A day in the life...

The last few days I've been battling with my Solaris 10 builds at work. Its very boring frustrating work as it involves making small minor changes to fix things and kick it off again on a test server to try try try again. Patience is a virtue. Not killing people out of frustration is even more of a virtue :)

Its good though, doing technical stuff and not meetings. I have finally got our Sol 10 build on SUN systems working after giving up on waiting for officially being told I am allowed to work on it and just doing it anyway... and so moved onto Fujitsu. Its good solid reliable kit but kinda backward in ways and the support is frankly not so hot. So Friday was tweaking stuff so it would work with the non-SUN kit and then trying and failing all day to get it to boot off the network.

Yesterday was again the same, trying every single little thing to get the damn thing not to panic and boot til finally finally one of those moments that makes it all worthwhile. The hallelujah moment when you realise the one difference they forgot to mention and suddenly it just starts working.

Oh my does it make it all worth it! I left it testing the rest of the build last night with the happy smile of achievement. Gotta love being a geek on days like this :)

Arizona

After a frustrating day with British Airways keep deciding to reject my credit card (hell, even eBay did too), I finally sorted out the new online security thing from Visa and waded though umpteen screenfuls of details again and passport info and booked the boy and my flight for Feb!

Woohoo, the boy is so excited! We are going out for a week to see my brother and sis-in-law and my niece, as well as my snowbirds of parents who are going out to the warmer weather from Jan to April. It'll be my boys first time to go out and visit them and he is SO excited. I have to admit I am too now its finally booked :)

Glendale here we come!

Hearing voices

A very dear friend gave me the most amazing surprise this morning. She phoned me before work and changed from one of those people in the "dear friends i've never had chance to speak to" bucket to one of the rare few in my "speaking friends". I am always scared of the first few times with a phone, or voice chat... I get nervous, hate awkward silences, misunderstandings, having trouble with accents. One of the great benefits of having two Scottish friends has been getting over that whole worry of not understanding whats said and having to say "pardon?". 90% of the time with car noise and their accents I haven't a clue whats been said so I've kind of got used to saying that...

I was asleep when she phoned so I think I rambled but, it has really made my day. She is as lovely to talk to as she always has been online and its given me a whole new perspective. I can't believe how shy she sounded, despite her telling me she was. I adored every word though and have the biggest quiet smile on my face to take me through anything the day throws at me.

One thing that struck me though, after the call, was if you decide something is far too important to let fail - you won't let it. Somethings just mean enough to kick me out of either my apathy or reticence to make that extra effort and say this IS a good thing and it WILL be good despite how I normally am. There was no way we weren't going to enjoy that call and drop into awkward silence, even if I had to ramble to make sure she enjoyed it as much as I did. She giggled lots. This is a good good thing and a sound I loved to hear.

Offers

Something happened Friday night when I got home from work that left me a little shell-shocked. Well more than a little, so much so I couldn't speak and just had to forward the email to a couple of friends as I couldnt even paraphrase it. The last interview I went to... the one I knew I had no chance of getting as I had totally the wrong experience and skillset... Well they emailed me Friday night to say they were recommending me for the position, pending HR approval.

This was an oh my god I don't know what to think moment, as I really did not expect this. There was no way this could happen but it did... and it just goes to show. I may not be too bad at this after all and it left me with a very warm feeling about it all. After a weekend of consideration and rereading my blog, I'm going to let them know I don't want the application to proceed. Its too much of a pay drop and the things I wrote before still stand. I would get frustrated and its not the place for me, for now. See, blogging helps *smile* i don't have to re-remember the things I thought and decided I can go back and peek and check. I know I was thinking fairly clearly then as I really did not expect an offer so I could think without pressure, so I stand by that decision.

But... but... *smiles softly* I am kinda proud of myself.

Risk

Does anyone really know how to play Risk, properly? The boy and I bought the junior edition (based on the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe) on Saturday and had a fun Sunday morning playing it in which he trounced me unmercifully. We are a little dubious on the finer points of the rules though so I think we may have bastardised them unmercifully.... So if anyone knows how to play...

What fun though and I am so impressed with how patient he is getting.

Morning

What a beautiful morning. The frozen fields, the river thames mist-laden and still, the moon in the frost-filled sky bulbous and heavy looking down on the train as it rushed by. So peaceful looking, like a photo capturing an instant in time never to be forgotten. Was anyone else looking out the window on the way to work this morning, or too pre-occupied with the day ahead to notice the moment happening right now?

Fireworks

Guy Fawkes. God I love him. Our one special English little celebration and its typically eccentric and British. Standing around in a field in the freezing cold watching a bonfire be lit with an effigy of good old Guy Fawkes to burn away on top. Damn I am glad its one thing we are not politically correct on. Let's celebrate with pride our quaint little English tradition of remembering a failed terrorist attack on the government. Let's celebrate his excecution and merrily cheer on as we watch the fireworks and bonfire each year.

I so love our peculiarly English celebration that so many join in on. Our special day. I loved cuddling and chatting with my boy last night as we enjoyed it together. May it never end.

Planet Earth

Planet Earth. There isn't often I hear a tv programme advertised that actually genuinely makes me excited. The last was when they advertised the start of the new Doctor Who series... the fact I could sit with my boy and watch cuddled up, the same way I did with my Dad... it was a continuation of generations. Passing on the times I was so lucky to have had and now he had his own memories, his own times hiding and delighting at being scared.

So, this time... when I heard those opening bars of "Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla" that they use for the adverts, I stopped breathing and just watched, feeling the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. There is something about that music that is appropriately breathtaking, awe inspiring and just... wow. After the first set of episodes of Planet Earth... just the sound of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is the natural history programme to end all others and I am so excited to see it come back. Five years in the making, a programme where they took two years just to get permission to film on Navy ships in the artic, to hunt around for weeks just for 30 secs of film. Three months of editting just for a single episode. This is why I love the BBC. Such patience, such devotion, and the result... one that takes your breath away in the beauty of our planet.

Lardon Chase and the Holies

The other week I stopped took a turning I've been meaning to take for awhile, just past the Bull at Streatley. Since I've lived here I've looked at the sign saying "Lardon Chase & The Hollies" and thought hmmm wonder what its like up there and never gone, though I've always had to avoid hitting the walkers coming down from there and crossing the road without paying attention...

Isn't it funny, the places so close to us we never end up visiting? Its like never having taken the boy to the Didcot Railway Centre even though I use that train station every day. Well, last week I was early enough to take that turn and drive up the road to see what that bit of countryside was like. Its a fairly steep hill and one thing my little car does NOT like is hills so there was much gnashing of teeth as I got slower and slower driving up. I didnt panic at all honestly, lol, well maybe a little... I get nervous around strange hills in case there is suddenly exposed drops on one side that gets to my fear of heights. Driving and high places are not me :). A nice little car park and then to explore. On one side we have Lardon Chase which starts with a beautiful hill overlooking the town, opening up to rolling fields and the promises of brisk walks on crisp winter mornings with a flask of coffee in the car waiting for when you get back. Maybe a Christmas walk and then warmed mulled wine at home and some mince pies. Mmmmm.

After a half hour gentle traipse around and the growing realisation I really really needed a pee so probably shouldn't go too far or I would have a VERY uncomfortable drive home... I slipped across the road to the other side, into the woodland of the Hollies. A totally different world, shady compared to the sunny openness of the Chase, paths through the tree's leading to who knows where.

So... such beautiful country and now its getting too dark in the evenings to go explore. *pout* *pout* *pout*. One early Saturday though...

Cycles

The end of the week and in hindsight it's gone its usual course when the house empties. I guess I am not so worried about it now because I know this is how I react. Writing it down has done that for me, shown me the cycles I go through, made them less scary, less intimidating each time, less oh my god whats wrong with me.

It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.

It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.

The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.

On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.