Something happened Friday night when I got home from work that left me a little shell-shocked. Well more than a little, so much so I couldn't speak and just had to forward the email to a couple of friends as I couldnt even paraphrase it. The last interview I went to... the one I knew I had no chance of getting as I had totally the wrong experience and skillset... Well they emailed me Friday night to say they were recommending me for the position, pending HR approval.
This was an oh my god I don't know what to think moment, as I really did not expect this. There was no way this could happen but it did... and it just goes to show. I may not be too bad at this after all and it left me with a very warm feeling about it all. After a weekend of consideration and rereading my blog, I'm going to let them know I don't want the application to proceed. Its too much of a pay drop and the things I wrote before still stand. I would get frustrated and its not the place for me, for now. See, blogging helps *smile* i don't have to re-remember the things I thought and decided I can go back and peek and check. I know I was thinking fairly clearly then as I really did not expect an offer so I could think without pressure, so I stand by that decision.
But... but... *smiles softly* I am kinda proud of myself.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Risk
Does anyone really know how to play Risk, properly? The boy and I bought the junior edition (based on the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe) on Saturday and had a fun Sunday morning playing it in which he trounced me unmercifully. We are a little dubious on the finer points of the rules though so I think we may have bastardised them unmercifully.... So if anyone knows how to play...
What fun though and I am so impressed with how patient he is getting.
What fun though and I am so impressed with how patient he is getting.
Morning
What a beautiful morning. The frozen fields, the river thames mist-laden and still, the moon in the frost-filled sky bulbous and heavy looking down on the train as it rushed by. So peaceful looking, like a photo capturing an instant in time never to be forgotten. Was anyone else looking out the window on the way to work this morning, or too pre-occupied with the day ahead to notice the moment happening right now?
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Fireworks
Guy Fawkes. God I love him. Our one special English little celebration and its typically eccentric and British. Standing around in a field in the freezing cold watching a bonfire be lit with an effigy of good old Guy Fawkes to burn away on top. Damn I am glad its one thing we are not politically correct on. Let's celebrate with pride our quaint little English tradition of remembering a failed terrorist attack on the government. Let's celebrate his excecution and merrily cheer on as we watch the fireworks and bonfire each year.
I so love our peculiarly English celebration that so many join in on. Our special day. I loved cuddling and chatting with my boy last night as we enjoyed it together. May it never end.
I so love our peculiarly English celebration that so many join in on. Our special day. I loved cuddling and chatting with my boy last night as we enjoyed it together. May it never end.
Planet Earth
Planet Earth. There isn't often I hear a tv programme advertised that actually genuinely makes me excited. The last was when they advertised the start of the new Doctor Who series... the fact I could sit with my boy and watch cuddled up, the same way I did with my Dad... it was a continuation of generations. Passing on the times I was so lucky to have had and now he had his own memories, his own times hiding and delighting at being scared.
So, this time... when I heard those opening bars of "Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla" that they use for the adverts, I stopped breathing and just watched, feeling the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. There is something about that music that is appropriately breathtaking, awe inspiring and just... wow. After the first set of episodes of Planet Earth... just the sound of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is the natural history programme to end all others and I am so excited to see it come back. Five years in the making, a programme where they took two years just to get permission to film on Navy ships in the artic, to hunt around for weeks just for 30 secs of film. Three months of editting just for a single episode. This is why I love the BBC. Such patience, such devotion, and the result... one that takes your breath away in the beauty of our planet.
So, this time... when I heard those opening bars of "Sigur Ros's Hoppipolla" that they use for the adverts, I stopped breathing and just watched, feeling the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. There is something about that music that is appropriately breathtaking, awe inspiring and just... wow. After the first set of episodes of Planet Earth... just the sound of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. This is the natural history programme to end all others and I am so excited to see it come back. Five years in the making, a programme where they took two years just to get permission to film on Navy ships in the artic, to hunt around for weeks just for 30 secs of film. Three months of editting just for a single episode. This is why I love the BBC. Such patience, such devotion, and the result... one that takes your breath away in the beauty of our planet.
Lardon Chase and the Holies
The other week I stopped took a turning I've been meaning to take for awhile, just past the Bull at Streatley. Since I've lived here I've looked at the sign saying "Lardon Chase & The Hollies" and thought hmmm wonder what its like up there and never gone, though I've always had to avoid hitting the walkers coming down from there and crossing the road without paying attention...
Isn't it funny, the places so close to us we never end up visiting? Its like never having taken the boy to the Didcot Railway Centre even though I use that train station every day. Well, last week I was early enough to take that turn and drive up the road to see what that bit of countryside was like. Its a fairly steep hill and one thing my little car does NOT like is hills so there was much gnashing of teeth as I got slower and slower driving up. I didnt panic at all honestly, lol, well maybe a little... I get nervous around strange hills in case there is suddenly exposed drops on one side that gets to my fear of heights. Driving and high places are not me :). A nice little car park and then to explore. On one side we have Lardon Chase which starts with a beautiful hill overlooking the town, opening up to rolling fields and the promises of brisk walks on crisp winter mornings with a flask of coffee in the car waiting for when you get back. Maybe a Christmas walk and then warmed mulled wine at home and some mince pies. Mmmmm.
Isn't it funny, the places so close to us we never end up visiting? Its like never having taken the boy to the Didcot Railway Centre even though I use that train station every day. Well, last week I was early enough to take that turn and drive up the road to see what that bit of countryside was like. Its a fairly steep hill and one thing my little car does NOT like is hills so there was much gnashing of teeth as I got slower and slower driving up. I didnt panic at all honestly, lol, well maybe a little... I get nervous around strange hills in case there is suddenly exposed drops on one side that gets to my fear of heights. Driving and high places are not me :). A nice little car park and then to explore. On one side we have Lardon Chase which starts with a beautiful hill overlooking the town, opening up to rolling fields and the promises of brisk walks on crisp winter mornings with a flask of coffee in the car waiting for when you get back. Maybe a Christmas walk and then warmed mulled wine at home and some mince pies. Mmmmm.
After a half hour gentle traipse around and the growing realisation I really really needed a pee so probably shouldn't go too far or I would have a VERY uncomfortable drive home... I slipped across the road to the other side, into the woodland of the Hollies. A totally different world, shady compared to the sunny openness of the Chase, paths through the tree's leading to who knows where.
So... such beautiful country and now its getting too dark in the evenings to go explore. *pout* *pout* *pout*. One early Saturday though...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Cycles
The end of the week and in hindsight it's gone its usual course when the house empties. I guess I am not so worried about it now because I know this is how I react. Writing it down has done that for me, shown me the cycles I go through, made them less scary, less intimidating each time, less oh my god whats wrong with me.
It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.
It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.
The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.
On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.
It starts with the beginning of the week full of brave optimism that this time I won't do it this time, that I will just get on. The first night of busy making busy, cooking properly, enjoying the time. Slowly sliding into the next day of kind of an attempt at the same but feeling a little uneasy and pushing through the night. By midweek the tiredness of the previous week has fully hit home and a very early night. Then, towards the end of the week the classic reaction - as I did last night - the, hmmm apathy at going home from work as there is nothing there and staying late just because its something to do and frantically throwing myself into it. To today, the general downness and wondering quite what the point of everything is and blinking away the tears and pushing it down somewhere inside, that pit of loneliness and self-loathing and self-destructive feelings that come from the past. The old ways to react. Fortunately, it comes at the end of the week and I can wallow in it for a day or so before the boy comes on the Saturday and I have to kick my ass and get myself moving again. The time with him is too precious to waste on such things. I am a lot better though... I don't beat myself up the ways I used to, I don't use things in the past to hurt myself to the same extent. A few little berations, a few little digs but... not the evil viscerations I used to.
It's a pattern I've seen in my behaviour. One of my cycles. Whilst yes, breaking out of it would be better much better, I don't really know how. So I manage it, expect it, ride through it and try and get past it as quickly as possible recognising it for what it is. Knowing it, knowing the feelings definitely takes the impact out of it and I won't let myself be dragged down by it in quite the same way, or let it hurt those around me by lashing out. What's next? After the boy goes, Monday will feel bad again, the kind of last hurrah of this mood swing and then the routine will start to settle in again and I can think straight.
The way things are going, I'll have a stinker of a cold come out about then to keep me occupied anyway *grin*.
On the plus side, while still achy my leg and hip and ankle are no way near as painful as they were. I am wondering if the train journey did it. I tend to crouch down by the doorways (as there are no seats) and as its got so cold a blast of cold air has been jetting up... and it is on that side it hits me, I wonder if I cramped badly. On an even bigger plus side my arm and shoulder and wrist are definitely a bit better. This is the first week in five years I havent carried my laptop to and from work every night. I'm leaving it here now if I am not on call and I am noticing the difference already.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Halloween
OK, so, an event with wine and nibbles for halloween at work was NOT a good idea considering my lack of tolerence to wine compared to other alcohol.
I may have said a few slightly more honest comments than normal, but nothing really bad... just stuff I really wanted to say but was too timid. I was very helpful and proactive about it anyway, offering help to a girl in our team when someone REALLY pissed me off by offering her lots of "you should do it this way" and then buggering off probably leaving her confused. I offered her the one bit of advice i live by, do it the way you understand. It may not be the best way but, if it works its better than fucking it up.
I don't like the guy and he is always supercilious and condescending and full of advice when its not HIM thats doing the work.
But, anyway, ok so having had indepth technical discussions with my boss while trying NOT to slur my words, giving my true and honest opinion of vendors and people in the company and yet STILL knowing I was being positive and proactive and generally hopefully and helpful. Even if rambling a little.
So I've now told a few people some truths on quite what they've meant to me when I've been too scared to say before, now I need to get mushy on someone else and she isn't here at the moment so this will do.
Mistress, I adore you. You may think you know how much but I don't think you do. You leave me without words and have helped me be such a stronger person because you expect what I am capcable of not what I think I can do. I know how you are, I know your strengths and weaknesses and adore them all. I am proud, honestly truly proud to be your friend let alone anything else. You are... special.
Yours
Your puppy.
I may have said a few slightly more honest comments than normal, but nothing really bad... just stuff I really wanted to say but was too timid. I was very helpful and proactive about it anyway, offering help to a girl in our team when someone REALLY pissed me off by offering her lots of "you should do it this way" and then buggering off probably leaving her confused. I offered her the one bit of advice i live by, do it the way you understand. It may not be the best way but, if it works its better than fucking it up.
I don't like the guy and he is always supercilious and condescending and full of advice when its not HIM thats doing the work.
But, anyway, ok so having had indepth technical discussions with my boss while trying NOT to slur my words, giving my true and honest opinion of vendors and people in the company and yet STILL knowing I was being positive and proactive and generally hopefully and helpful. Even if rambling a little.
So I've now told a few people some truths on quite what they've meant to me when I've been too scared to say before, now I need to get mushy on someone else and she isn't here at the moment so this will do.
Mistress, I adore you. You may think you know how much but I don't think you do. You leave me without words and have helped me be such a stronger person because you expect what I am capcable of not what I think I can do. I know how you are, I know your strengths and weaknesses and adore them all. I am proud, honestly truly proud to be your friend let alone anything else. You are... special.
Yours
Your puppy.
Back to work
Monday at work was tiring. I didn't get anything done I had planned. What is it about me and walking into a dead server at 7am? Just lucky I guess! It kept me busy though as well as having the mickey taken out of me all day about the coffee girl and how i had missed her getting dressed up for charity last week. This will run and run but if you give it out you have to take it back gracefully, so I blushed lots and frequently. She is cute though.
Coming home last night I honestly dreaded. I was tired, being unkind to myself and ready to crawl into the house and lock out the world. I made myself cook before anything, before apathy hit and I did quite enjoy it. Cooking for one is no fun but it was a nice meal. Idly read through the blogs and came across a comment that took my breath away. Thankyou, you know who you are. You changed my evening around and opened up the world again as a place I wanted to explore and be part of. It was infectious, I managed to help my best friend cheerfully looking up things for her, came out of my timidness and didn't let myself be pushed away by a very lonely and hurt new friend who in the end was grateful for the company even if just chatting online, and I giggled like a schoolgirl with another friend on the phone as the evening closed.
I am so very grateful you thought of me as it let me be there with and for those others when I had really felt like shutting everyone away.
Coming home last night I honestly dreaded. I was tired, being unkind to myself and ready to crawl into the house and lock out the world. I made myself cook before anything, before apathy hit and I did quite enjoy it. Cooking for one is no fun but it was a nice meal. Idly read through the blogs and came across a comment that took my breath away. Thankyou, you know who you are. You changed my evening around and opened up the world again as a place I wanted to explore and be part of. It was infectious, I managed to help my best friend cheerfully looking up things for her, came out of my timidness and didn't let myself be pushed away by a very lonely and hurt new friend who in the end was grateful for the company even if just chatting online, and I giggled like a schoolgirl with another friend on the phone as the evening closed.
I am so very grateful you thought of me as it let me be there with and for those others when I had really felt like shutting everyone away.
Returns
So peace and quiet has now been restored to the house. The boy was delivered safely to his mum early Sunday morning and the three of spent a little time together browsing in the shops so it wasn't quite such a shock transition for any of us. Yes, I had a tear in my eye when I left and had to swallow hard and concentrate on not thinking and just the journey home.
Driving back home I heard the beginning of the My Chemical Romance song, Welcome to the Black Parade.
"When I was a young boy, my Father took me into the city, to see a marching band."
Out of context, but it made me mist up as I drove. I had a sudden thought of the moments we remember when we are older, those times with our parents that are the memories our lives are made of. I hope the boy had some of those last week.
It was, however, a beautiful afternoon, too nice to go home and vegetate and stew so I finally took that turning off the road I'd always promised myself I would to peek at what sort of country side Lardon Chase & The Hollies offered. I've seen the sign since I moved to Didcot but never got round to going up that road. Always been on my way too or from something. It was beautiful, and I wandered for an hour soaking in the sun. I will write more when I get the pictures off my phone.
Home then, a little refreshed, relaxed at least. Better than I expected and into a frenzy of activity clearing up after the pair of them. I think best described as "making busy" to stop me from thinking too much. Kitchen, lounge, both bedrooms. As the landlady had cleared out a wardrobe for me I revelled in the luxury of that. Hanging space! After 15 months! Oh wow, the simple excitements *grin* I think I will start wearing some shirts again now they are not hidden away in a drawer, and all my trousers and papers neatly stored so I can get to them. What do I do with all this space? Actually I did get very excited and impressed with some of the shirts I had which I had forgot. Silly huh? After so long just in t-shirts I suddenly want to dress up a little again.
After that, just tiredness set in as the week caught up. An early night for work. I was surprised how little I felt, I think I am getting better at adjusting or maybe with coping with it. Maybe just with avoiding it? Possibly that, clamping down on the feelings of emptiness and lonliness without shutting off completely. I know for now, I've put that past week behind me as pleasent memories but not to be looked at too closely or they will sting. The future is a closed book, so there is just now. Just deal with the present til I can look up and think of the future again.
But. An empty house and I was allowed to play with my Aneros before bed. I still havent got the hang of this little prostate massager but I am coming to love it. I hooked a cloth over the bit that tucks up behind the balls this time and so didnt get sore from where it poked, just the nice feeling of pressure. To use it you have to relax, breathe, let go of the day and just feel. As a relaxation tool its a good way for me to destress and force me to stop and pay attention to myself. I havent really got the hang of it yet but there were certainly a few times when I felt like I was going to die in a very very nice way and I think I was pretty vocal about the fact. For me... as expressing myself like that is so hard, that has to mean things were starting to go pretty darned well. I know I slept peacefully after anyway.
Driving back home I heard the beginning of the My Chemical Romance song, Welcome to the Black Parade.
"When I was a young boy, my Father took me into the city, to see a marching band."
Out of context, but it made me mist up as I drove. I had a sudden thought of the moments we remember when we are older, those times with our parents that are the memories our lives are made of. I hope the boy had some of those last week.
It was, however, a beautiful afternoon, too nice to go home and vegetate and stew so I finally took that turning off the road I'd always promised myself I would to peek at what sort of country side Lardon Chase & The Hollies offered. I've seen the sign since I moved to Didcot but never got round to going up that road. Always been on my way too or from something. It was beautiful, and I wandered for an hour soaking in the sun. I will write more when I get the pictures off my phone.
Home then, a little refreshed, relaxed at least. Better than I expected and into a frenzy of activity clearing up after the pair of them. I think best described as "making busy" to stop me from thinking too much. Kitchen, lounge, both bedrooms. As the landlady had cleared out a wardrobe for me I revelled in the luxury of that. Hanging space! After 15 months! Oh wow, the simple excitements *grin* I think I will start wearing some shirts again now they are not hidden away in a drawer, and all my trousers and papers neatly stored so I can get to them. What do I do with all this space? Actually I did get very excited and impressed with some of the shirts I had which I had forgot. Silly huh? After so long just in t-shirts I suddenly want to dress up a little again.
After that, just tiredness set in as the week caught up. An early night for work. I was surprised how little I felt, I think I am getting better at adjusting or maybe with coping with it. Maybe just with avoiding it? Possibly that, clamping down on the feelings of emptiness and lonliness without shutting off completely. I know for now, I've put that past week behind me as pleasent memories but not to be looked at too closely or they will sting. The future is a closed book, so there is just now. Just deal with the present til I can look up and think of the future again.
But. An empty house and I was allowed to play with my Aneros before bed. I still havent got the hang of this little prostate massager but I am coming to love it. I hooked a cloth over the bit that tucks up behind the balls this time and so didnt get sore from where it poked, just the nice feeling of pressure. To use it you have to relax, breathe, let go of the day and just feel. As a relaxation tool its a good way for me to destress and force me to stop and pay attention to myself. I havent really got the hang of it yet but there were certainly a few times when I felt like I was going to die in a very very nice way and I think I was pretty vocal about the fact. For me... as expressing myself like that is so hard, that has to mean things were starting to go pretty darned well. I know I slept peacefully after anyway.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Goodnight
How much I've written this week? I guess it has been quite an intense packed week emotionally and exprience wise so there has been a lot to think about. I am sure bits of this week will linger with me for awhile... Once again though writing has proved its strength for me in getting things out of my mind.
Today I seriously pissed off my ex-to-be and upset her by changing the plans on her and asking to keep the boy an extra night. After a comment he made last night of not having had my time in the evenings for dinner or bed I wanted to make that right and have one day that was just us and not one where the evenings turned into adult time. So, while I do feel a little bad as I am sure she was so looking forward to having him back, I don't feel that that bad as honestly I've kind of bent over backwards enough and all added up, I get about 1 day of quality time with him a week. We lazed, cuddled, baked biscuits and made sure the house didn't sound so quiet.
So, having just carried him to bed from the couch (where he fell asleep in my arms) I am off to join him.
Good night sweet friends.
Today I seriously pissed off my ex-to-be and upset her by changing the plans on her and asking to keep the boy an extra night. After a comment he made last night of not having had my time in the evenings for dinner or bed I wanted to make that right and have one day that was just us and not one where the evenings turned into adult time. So, while I do feel a little bad as I am sure she was so looking forward to having him back, I don't feel that that bad as honestly I've kind of bent over backwards enough and all added up, I get about 1 day of quality time with him a week. We lazed, cuddled, baked biscuits and made sure the house didn't sound so quiet.
So, having just carried him to bed from the couch (where he fell asleep in my arms) I am off to join him.
Good night sweet friends.
Differences of Opinion
Delivered safely to the airport and shoved on a plane back home before she spends her final few weeks there and then is off to the philipines.
I should be asleep but the boy is wide awake and eating breakfast, I had finally got him back to sleep but then the postman rang the doorbell. I think thats kind of decided today, I do NOT think today is the day to go out and try and be sociable!
I finally got to bed about 1am and the shower woke me up about 3. Off to the airport and 4.30 and then home by 6.30. Boy finally back to sleep by 7.00 and now its 8 and I think we are up now. So while he has breakfast I will write whats on my mind.
Last night she and I had a long chat about things. One of the we discussed was how the week was. She admitted how hard she had found it this week at times. The boy can be quite wearing when he get's the chatties, I know he gets to me, so for someone without kids it must have been quite exhausting. Thursday the boy had slapped her arm as I think she said something bad, and I know that shocked her. Its a bad habit he does with his Mum and I. His Mum lets him and I tell him not to, I've never seen him do it to anyone else though so he must have been very comfortable with her and not thought. He doesnt know his own strength though so I really did tell him off. He went really quiet after, as he does when he knows he did something really wrong. So, she found that incident hard. She found the chatties hard. She found his energy tiring. Some of the ways he addressed me. I was glad she admitted them as in a way it made me feel less bad about things. Kind of knowing ALL the things that bugged her let me just sort through them, think about what I agreed with and do try and stop him doing and which ones frankly I think are just down to tolerence and lack of experience with kids. I know this is her home but, he does treat it as his home too (as it is) and so, I am not going to apologise for him just being a little boy. I am very proud of him. Actually know WHAT was going through her mind I found made me very much happier at stop apologising for things and feeling bad about how I looked after him and feel a lot more confident. He is a good boy.
Also, interestingly we discussed an even Wed night when she (at the last minute) was asked out for dinner with a friend and the boy reacted very quietly and sadly, very much as if he didn't quite know how to react when she wasn't going to be there. Last night he got very quiet before bed again, and a little jealous... saying things which I knew he didn't mean after chatting and playing with her earlier. Again it was kind of obvious it was because he had a lot going on in his head and didnt know how to handle it all. Her going, going back to his mum. Lots to take in in one go. She said a very interesting thing. She felt guilty for confusing him, for coming in for the week, being here and letting him get attached and then going again.
I disagreed strongly. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for and while they may get upset at individual things it doesnt stop them enjoying the whole. Holding back so we dont get involved is just denying them the chance to have the good relationships which show us what is good and right. She said it showed how people don't have around... now to me so many adult relationships we get hurt, screwed over, people walk out... I want him to know people can be good and special and that when those relationships change it doesnt HAVE to be for bad reasons and we can remember what we had. I want him to see that the bad ones are the abnormal, not the expected. I want him to have that background. I want him to enjoy it when its there and look forward to them coming back. When people are away I still talk about them. I talk about my best friend to him even when things are quiet between us so he knows she is still there, she still asks after him. I think its too easy to get wrapped up in adult things and forget children need to know that things havent just stopped or people vanished and life does go on.
I see it as a good thing he has learnt to attach so easily and feel so close. If he can keep that he will never have trouble making friends or loving people. I would rather him learn that you can love and love again than to be scared and lonely. We also talked about other things, how shocked she was some of the things I honestly spoke to him about... like if he asks if I am talking to someone on the computer I say yes, and tell him who. He knows most of my online friends by name and to recognise their name. Why lie? Why complicate things? He knows me. He knows enough about them to be interested and ask how they are. He knows enough to know I will not lie to him. He would just worry otherwise. He may say somethings to his mum but, frankly, thats her problem.
*smiles* Daddy really is the nicest word when you know you might fail at some of the day to day things but... but... but... you feel pretty sound in the things you are trying to teach him over time.
I should be asleep but the boy is wide awake and eating breakfast, I had finally got him back to sleep but then the postman rang the doorbell. I think thats kind of decided today, I do NOT think today is the day to go out and try and be sociable!
I finally got to bed about 1am and the shower woke me up about 3. Off to the airport and 4.30 and then home by 6.30. Boy finally back to sleep by 7.00 and now its 8 and I think we are up now. So while he has breakfast I will write whats on my mind.
Last night she and I had a long chat about things. One of the we discussed was how the week was. She admitted how hard she had found it this week at times. The boy can be quite wearing when he get's the chatties, I know he gets to me, so for someone without kids it must have been quite exhausting. Thursday the boy had slapped her arm as I think she said something bad, and I know that shocked her. Its a bad habit he does with his Mum and I. His Mum lets him and I tell him not to, I've never seen him do it to anyone else though so he must have been very comfortable with her and not thought. He doesnt know his own strength though so I really did tell him off. He went really quiet after, as he does when he knows he did something really wrong. So, she found that incident hard. She found the chatties hard. She found his energy tiring. Some of the ways he addressed me. I was glad she admitted them as in a way it made me feel less bad about things. Kind of knowing ALL the things that bugged her let me just sort through them, think about what I agreed with and do try and stop him doing and which ones frankly I think are just down to tolerence and lack of experience with kids. I know this is her home but, he does treat it as his home too (as it is) and so, I am not going to apologise for him just being a little boy. I am very proud of him. Actually know WHAT was going through her mind I found made me very much happier at stop apologising for things and feeling bad about how I looked after him and feel a lot more confident. He is a good boy.
Also, interestingly we discussed an even Wed night when she (at the last minute) was asked out for dinner with a friend and the boy reacted very quietly and sadly, very much as if he didn't quite know how to react when she wasn't going to be there. Last night he got very quiet before bed again, and a little jealous... saying things which I knew he didn't mean after chatting and playing with her earlier. Again it was kind of obvious it was because he had a lot going on in his head and didnt know how to handle it all. Her going, going back to his mum. Lots to take in in one go. She said a very interesting thing. She felt guilty for confusing him, for coming in for the week, being here and letting him get attached and then going again.
I disagreed strongly. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for and while they may get upset at individual things it doesnt stop them enjoying the whole. Holding back so we dont get involved is just denying them the chance to have the good relationships which show us what is good and right. She said it showed how people don't have around... now to me so many adult relationships we get hurt, screwed over, people walk out... I want him to know people can be good and special and that when those relationships change it doesnt HAVE to be for bad reasons and we can remember what we had. I want him to see that the bad ones are the abnormal, not the expected. I want him to have that background. I want him to enjoy it when its there and look forward to them coming back. When people are away I still talk about them. I talk about my best friend to him even when things are quiet between us so he knows she is still there, she still asks after him. I think its too easy to get wrapped up in adult things and forget children need to know that things havent just stopped or people vanished and life does go on.
I see it as a good thing he has learnt to attach so easily and feel so close. If he can keep that he will never have trouble making friends or loving people. I would rather him learn that you can love and love again than to be scared and lonely. We also talked about other things, how shocked she was some of the things I honestly spoke to him about... like if he asks if I am talking to someone on the computer I say yes, and tell him who. He knows most of my online friends by name and to recognise their name. Why lie? Why complicate things? He knows me. He knows enough about them to be interested and ask how they are. He knows enough to know I will not lie to him. He would just worry otherwise. He may say somethings to his mum but, frankly, thats her problem.
*smiles* Daddy really is the nicest word when you know you might fail at some of the day to day things but... but... but... you feel pretty sound in the things you are trying to teach him over time.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Good week
So the week is nearly over and fond memories there will be too. Yesterday the boy and I went upto London again for a second visit. Getting up early I managed to get together a few options for the boy and let him decide. In the end it was the aquarium that got the vote (hell I didn't even know there was one til a friend suggested it). Plans for after included some sightseeing and then a trip along to Hamley's toy store just to oggle and browse and make a late evening of it.
Despite his very long sleep in (yes, I actually got him to go to bed early on a holiday night!) it proved too much though. Between the delays on the train, delays on the tube and general huge crowds we had some tears after we'd been to the aquarium. The queue in probably didnt help and he is even more uncomfortable abou crowds than I am. That I can understand, being elbow height to a tourist cannot be fun. So we cut it short, cuddled on the train on the way home while he napped and then had a nice quiet evening at home. Kinda nice really.
Today has been quiet, I let my landlady borrow the car as hers is now sold and we've sat and cuddled and watched movies. Lazy as hell but lovely to catch our breath. The end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (we've been watching it a little each evening... and Harrison Ford. Yes I would, in a heart beat, he wouldn't even have to beg *purrrr*) such a fun fun movie, he loved it. Followed by the first two Jurassic Parks. Yes, a very boys own kind of day. Of course the bedroom has now been transformed into an animal park with escaped dinosaurs roaming the house while he sat shooting at the screen. Kind of nice. King of lovely in fact. I love seeing his imagination take over.
Tonight, early to bed as 4am its up to take the Lady to the airport and then I won't see her for 6 months. A real shame but it has been a grand old week. No regrets.
Yesterday though, I think I just about exercised what was bothering me when I finally finally worked out what was getting to me and what was just reacting. I struggle sometimes as a Dad, start to ask if I am being a good Dad when he has bad days. I admit this has been a tough week at times, this maybe the first time I've had the boy to myself and at home for the week rather than be away and at times I did struggle. Struggle to keep him entertained, struggle to keep him out of the Landlady's way too much. Struggle to keep up with his energy. On top of this, my Landlady has certain very strong opinions of how a child should talk and behave whilst I do understand her point, and the manners she was brought up with, I did take her correcting him very personally and started to get very defensive and take it as criticism against how I was as a parent - something I am not exactly over-confident of at the best of times. Considering the way the marriage went I think my ex-to-be and I have a lot to be proud of in how this little boy is. With the arguing, violence, general atmosphere... well this boy is pretty special (in my not so humble opinion) and I am just grateful he hasn't suffered too many visible ill-effects of our struggles.
A little different perspective though, and I saw how she was niggled by his use of "he" instead of "Daddy" whereas I was equally if not much more niggled by the fact of her casual swearing when she wasn't thinking. So, suddenly things snap back into position and I am pretty pleased with how this week has gone. I am definitely very pleased with how he's eaten as this was something I was very defensive about last time she was here, she being a wonderful cook whereas... well... I keep us alive and I make sure he has a balanced diet of fruits and vegetables even if much of the main meals are prepackaged. I know how uptight I was last time they were both here, so, that was one thing I really did concentrate on this time and am much relieved that the effort paid off.
So, all in all, things are coming to a close with that happyness tinged with sadness of missing them both. It has been a good good week.
Despite his very long sleep in (yes, I actually got him to go to bed early on a holiday night!) it proved too much though. Between the delays on the train, delays on the tube and general huge crowds we had some tears after we'd been to the aquarium. The queue in probably didnt help and he is even more uncomfortable abou crowds than I am. That I can understand, being elbow height to a tourist cannot be fun. So we cut it short, cuddled on the train on the way home while he napped and then had a nice quiet evening at home. Kinda nice really.
Today has been quiet, I let my landlady borrow the car as hers is now sold and we've sat and cuddled and watched movies. Lazy as hell but lovely to catch our breath. The end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (we've been watching it a little each evening... and Harrison Ford. Yes I would, in a heart beat, he wouldn't even have to beg *purrrr*) such a fun fun movie, he loved it. Followed by the first two Jurassic Parks. Yes, a very boys own kind of day. Of course the bedroom has now been transformed into an animal park with escaped dinosaurs roaming the house while he sat shooting at the screen. Kind of nice. King of lovely in fact. I love seeing his imagination take over.
Tonight, early to bed as 4am its up to take the Lady to the airport and then I won't see her for 6 months. A real shame but it has been a grand old week. No regrets.
Yesterday though, I think I just about exercised what was bothering me when I finally finally worked out what was getting to me and what was just reacting. I struggle sometimes as a Dad, start to ask if I am being a good Dad when he has bad days. I admit this has been a tough week at times, this maybe the first time I've had the boy to myself and at home for the week rather than be away and at times I did struggle. Struggle to keep him entertained, struggle to keep him out of the Landlady's way too much. Struggle to keep up with his energy. On top of this, my Landlady has certain very strong opinions of how a child should talk and behave whilst I do understand her point, and the manners she was brought up with, I did take her correcting him very personally and started to get very defensive and take it as criticism against how I was as a parent - something I am not exactly over-confident of at the best of times. Considering the way the marriage went I think my ex-to-be and I have a lot to be proud of in how this little boy is. With the arguing, violence, general atmosphere... well this boy is pretty special (in my not so humble opinion) and I am just grateful he hasn't suffered too many visible ill-effects of our struggles.
A little different perspective though, and I saw how she was niggled by his use of "he" instead of "Daddy" whereas I was equally if not much more niggled by the fact of her casual swearing when she wasn't thinking. So, suddenly things snap back into position and I am pretty pleased with how this week has gone. I am definitely very pleased with how he's eaten as this was something I was very defensive about last time she was here, she being a wonderful cook whereas... well... I keep us alive and I make sure he has a balanced diet of fruits and vegetables even if much of the main meals are prepackaged. I know how uptight I was last time they were both here, so, that was one thing I really did concentrate on this time and am much relieved that the effort paid off.
So, all in all, things are coming to a close with that happyness tinged with sadness of missing them both. It has been a good good week.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Surprises
Just as I wrote that, (litterally within the minute of posting) I received a sweet text from my best friend showing she was thinking of my son and I.
Its the little things that make life worth living.
Its the little things that make life worth living.
Unsettled
I am feeling very uptight and jittery today so I wanted to get it out my system and hope that left me more settled. I am not sure it will but it's worth a try.
Today has been a wet day so we've been kind of around the house except a brief trip around the shops. The boy has been really good, playing, talking, doing stuff together. He really is my little star. Inside though I just feel all at odds with myself. Getting uptight and feeling myself become short-tempered. If I could I'd just go curl up in bed and not get out. I feel like I don't want to be around anyone at the moment. Worse, I am beginning to tell myself again that I *can't* be around anyone or shouldn't be, that I've just been fooling myself and bugging people. Honestly, I just want to run away and hide and not come out.
Maybe suddenly its become too much having people in the house all week and no free space. Maybe I am just tired from these much later nights. Maybe I miss seeing lots of different people at work and am starting to slip back inside my own head and think too much. I don't know but I don't like it and hope I can stop it. I can't and won't run though.
Today has been a wet day so we've been kind of around the house except a brief trip around the shops. The boy has been really good, playing, talking, doing stuff together. He really is my little star. Inside though I just feel all at odds with myself. Getting uptight and feeling myself become short-tempered. If I could I'd just go curl up in bed and not get out. I feel like I don't want to be around anyone at the moment. Worse, I am beginning to tell myself again that I *can't* be around anyone or shouldn't be, that I've just been fooling myself and bugging people. Honestly, I just want to run away and hide and not come out.
Maybe suddenly its become too much having people in the house all week and no free space. Maybe I am just tired from these much later nights. Maybe I miss seeing lots of different people at work and am starting to slip back inside my own head and think too much. I don't know but I don't like it and hope I can stop it. I can't and won't run though.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tip to the wise. Avoid Museums in holidays!
OK, so, going upto London to the museum's in a school holiday. Bad idea. Bad bad bad idea. I think I have had worse idea's but they don't quite come to mind at the moment.
Fortunately, the boy was patient, took standing on the train for the 45mins going up in good humour and we had great fun. When we got to the museum's, the natural history museum was refusing entry as it was overcrowded and there was a 30min queue into the science museum due to the extra time needed for bag searches. We queued patiently, chatted and generally did what we did all day - just enjoyed each others company.
The place was just heaving, so, rather than wander round (as we've been there before several times) we made our way down to the hands on bit which was even worse. We ended up sitting in on three of the different fun science demonstrations for half hour each time. Its so great the boy listens and pays attention and really loves to learn as he had a good time. Fun fun science, bubbles, bridges and explosions. He loved it. After, we made our way home. Still chatting. Tonight he was, to be polite, a little overtired and grumpy. If I wasn't polite I'd say he was a moody little sod. I think the landlady was a little shocked as she has never seen him like this. He is just a little boy and gets tired and grumpy with the rest of them. When he is good he is very very good, when he is tired he is a right pain in the bum. I have to say, I am damn proud of him. I people watch other people with their kids when they are out and some seem to have so much hassle. Beyond the wanting-everything-in-the-gift-shop moments the boy is always grateful for the places he visits and goes wanting to enjoy. Its always a pleasure to take him out and I'm always glad to introduce him to people and know he knows how to behave. The odd tired moments, well, we are very lucky parents.
Hell, I know what I am like when I am overtired so I am not in a position to complain. Staying up late with the landlady this week is probably doing the same to me... This morning I had one of my silly moments when I stopped thinking about how lovely this week was with the both of them and started thinking about next week when both will be gone, in her case for 6 months. Silly silly me, leading to a minor panicked looming deep dark hole of lonliness moment when I got very clingy. These things don't seem to last as long now though, definitely not long enough to stop me from enjoying the moments. Thats a very very good thing.
Oh and as the boy smothered me in kisses and cuddles all day, even in public... I think that counts as a very very very good day and a very happy boy.
Fortunately, the boy was patient, took standing on the train for the 45mins going up in good humour and we had great fun. When we got to the museum's, the natural history museum was refusing entry as it was overcrowded and there was a 30min queue into the science museum due to the extra time needed for bag searches. We queued patiently, chatted and generally did what we did all day - just enjoyed each others company.
The place was just heaving, so, rather than wander round (as we've been there before several times) we made our way down to the hands on bit which was even worse. We ended up sitting in on three of the different fun science demonstrations for half hour each time. Its so great the boy listens and pays attention and really loves to learn as he had a good time. Fun fun science, bubbles, bridges and explosions. He loved it. After, we made our way home. Still chatting. Tonight he was, to be polite, a little overtired and grumpy. If I wasn't polite I'd say he was a moody little sod. I think the landlady was a little shocked as she has never seen him like this. He is just a little boy and gets tired and grumpy with the rest of them. When he is good he is very very good, when he is tired he is a right pain in the bum. I have to say, I am damn proud of him. I people watch other people with their kids when they are out and some seem to have so much hassle. Beyond the wanting-everything-in-the-gift-shop moments the boy is always grateful for the places he visits and goes wanting to enjoy. Its always a pleasure to take him out and I'm always glad to introduce him to people and know he knows how to behave. The odd tired moments, well, we are very lucky parents.
Hell, I know what I am like when I am overtired so I am not in a position to complain. Staying up late with the landlady this week is probably doing the same to me... This morning I had one of my silly moments when I stopped thinking about how lovely this week was with the both of them and started thinking about next week when both will be gone, in her case for 6 months. Silly silly me, leading to a minor panicked looming deep dark hole of lonliness moment when I got very clingy. These things don't seem to last as long now though, definitely not long enough to stop me from enjoying the moments. Thats a very very good thing.
Oh and as the boy smothered me in kisses and cuddles all day, even in public... I think that counts as a very very very good day and a very happy boy.
Heels
Part of the time while my landlady over here this week has been sorting out her wardrobe to clear me some space in the wardrobes (as she won't be here) and I am afraid I have been totally ruthless with telling her exactly what I think about some of the clothes. Lets just say that some of them date back to 1974 and I am not convinced they were in fashion then... She has took it well though and we've been giggling through it and make a big big dent in stuff she was never ever going to wear. I'm really amazed how much we've achieved, and the boy is a big help or just enjoys the time playing by himself in between the times I've dedicated to him. Its a good family feeling in the house.
She was crowing about her heels and the different height stilleto's she has so I tried on a pair of 1 1/2" heels she was throwing out (as the material is cracking). Amazingly she is the same size of me. After we'd finished laughing at the way I almost killed myself by trying to walk in them (let's say balance is NOT my strong point, just as catching sat nav's isn't)... well I have a very healthy new respect for ladies.
She was crowing about her heels and the different height stilleto's she has so I tried on a pair of 1 1/2" heels she was throwing out (as the material is cracking). Amazingly she is the same size of me. After we'd finished laughing at the way I almost killed myself by trying to walk in them (let's say balance is NOT my strong point, just as catching sat nav's isn't)... well I have a very healthy new respect for ladies.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Holidays
Three days already, just where does the time go? I don't know, so a few brief words to remind me.
Saturday, a lovely lazy morning, time chatting with friends, cleaning the house ready for the landlady, a nice nap... then picking her up and a just wonderful evening chatting and laughing and giggling like schoolgirls. I do so love her company and I will miss her so badly. I am above all grateful though that she was so obviously relaxed the moment she got home. It makes me feel I am doing something right.
Sunday and today pretty much the same. Casual, relaxed, the boy here joining in and laughing with us. Doing almost nothing, just playing and talking and enjoying each other.
So far, the perfect holiday. Tomorrow, the boy and I upto London!
Saturday, a lovely lazy morning, time chatting with friends, cleaning the house ready for the landlady, a nice nap... then picking her up and a just wonderful evening chatting and laughing and giggling like schoolgirls. I do so love her company and I will miss her so badly. I am above all grateful though that she was so obviously relaxed the moment she got home. It makes me feel I am doing something right.
Sunday and today pretty much the same. Casual, relaxed, the boy here joining in and laughing with us. Doing almost nothing, just playing and talking and enjoying each other.
So far, the perfect holiday. Tomorrow, the boy and I upto London!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Final interviews
I am so very very very tired. The fact IE ate my first beautifully written exposition as I hit "post" doesn't do much to dissipate that. Some days I just hate computers. I could growl more about "I told you so's" except she was right and I am now writing this in an email instead of the browser. Hey I've only been working with these things for 20 years, what do I know? These things never sound right the second time though.
I had to work late last night, still restoring that pesky server which was a grumble, but I was so tired by time I got home from work I gave myself a little break before I started. I'm glad I did, I was hurting and not really in a fit state to start work without making mistakes or hurting more. She tells me she receives everything she wants, and I do trust that even if I can't see it, but I see so much more easily how much she gives me. How much she understands, watches, listens, hears, even if she doesn't say. Last night she saw and made me relax. Left me in a happy relaxed puddly pool of puppy in fact *purrrrrr*. Fortunately that gave me a second wind to get on and get some work done with a vague degree of success, even if it took a lot longer than it would have done if I wasn't so tired.
This morning I had my final interview. It was very strange but productive and I am definitely staying put. A research place, very academic yet the most professional interview I had. A panel interview, very smartly designed technical questioning that I will use if I ever have to interview. It was a good experience. I know I didn't have the skillset they were seeking (linux and performance tuning are not my strong points, I've worked mainly on Solaris for the last 5 years) but I went along just to learn a little more how these things are done and to be more prepared if I ever really wanted to. The job itself would suit a geek a few years out of Uni, happy to take the relatively low salary. I think I would find it frustrating, each academic bid leading to its own admin staff and ways of doing things. Useful experience for the interview and also very useful to know that yes, I really am used to working for the big corporates now.
I showed what a total klutz I was on the way there, I was really lucky not to have an accident but in hindsight it was kinda funny. My sat nav fell off the windscreen and I watched it fall in a graceful arc til it hit my gear selector (i drive an automatic) knocking it out of drive into neutral. In instinctive (stupid) reaction I dive for it, missing, knocking it into reverse. While the car is moving forward. That was quite an impressive grinding noise. How quickly I stopped and switched the engine off to hide all the big red lights was even more impressive. It seems ok but... I think it made my mind up, this car is gonna go. *grin* just the kind of thing to put you in a relaxed mood for an interview :). Not quite as much as not actually expecting to want the job, I admit. That seems a better way to do it.
So. I stay put, but I am glad to have a week off to let that idea settle. Hell I am just glad to have a week off at the moment I really need it as I am tired, tired to the point of exhaustion. That horrible black cloud is lurking there snapping and trying to bite so I'm kicking it away and looking forward to this week ahead. Its half-term break so a whole week with my son. We intend to do some day trips and some time around the house. It should be great, no matter the weather. My landlady comes back tomorrow too for the last time before she moves, so hectic as hell but a good good time. Just finished tidying the house ready for her *grin* just need to hoover and thats it! That can wait til tomorrow though. In fact after this blog everything will wait til tomorrow!
Just one last thing to write about. This morning she surprised me, well left me speechless. We were chatting this morning while I was getting ready to go for the interview and she just casually threw into the conversation that I was going to buy myself a dog bowl. I didn't quite know what to say or to think, so I just gawped a little and went very submissively quiet. Yes I'm a pup and I love scampering around and being playful and I think I've made it clear about my tail and what that means but... I've never understood or really had a desire to take it further, when she mentioned that though. I can't really explain the mindset. If I think of the bowl I go all coldly analytical and dispassionate and stop feeling. So instead I've just let it linger at the back of my mind where it sort of has made a hole to sit in. If I brush my gaze over that thought in my mind I feel a little light headed, tight chested, I can feel the hairs on my arms individually, my skin feeling cold chills and yet burning, crawling, a breeze when there is none and then my toes want to curl and my mind goes quiet and I want to stretch and roll up all at once. I don't understand it, except, I can feel her and her mind and her will and that becomes all that matters. This is so outside of my experience, so outside my understanding and I guess being pushed out of my nice spoilt safe comfort zone. I feel like I am falling but I know I will be caught, just don't know when or how. Its kind of scary, but in a wonderful way. All over such a simple thing? So much of how I am now I don't think about as it has become part of my basic needs and desires. Yes, I feel like a slut inside and my desires are so strong in some directions they get brought up with a simple prod, but they just feel so much part of me now they've been awakened, they are like second nature. This though, this is something totally different. I know its hard to understand the relationship in an online collaring. One day I may write a blog trying to explain, explain what she means to me, explain the whys and whats. Then again, I don't think I could ever do her justice, pin down the so many very facets of her that make her the amazing Lady she is, friend, confident, Owner, so much more, and in the end its that. Its about her and what she deserves. I am a very very lucky pup.
I'm not happy with this blog, the first one sounded better, was much mushier and much more how I felt but... I am tired and now bed.
What I am though, is proud owner of my very first bowl bought from the store on the way home from work.
*shivers*
I had to work late last night, still restoring that pesky server which was a grumble, but I was so tired by time I got home from work I gave myself a little break before I started. I'm glad I did, I was hurting and not really in a fit state to start work without making mistakes or hurting more. She tells me she receives everything she wants, and I do trust that even if I can't see it, but I see so much more easily how much she gives me. How much she understands, watches, listens, hears, even if she doesn't say. Last night she saw and made me relax. Left me in a happy relaxed puddly pool of puppy in fact *purrrrrr*. Fortunately that gave me a second wind to get on and get some work done with a vague degree of success, even if it took a lot longer than it would have done if I wasn't so tired.
This morning I had my final interview. It was very strange but productive and I am definitely staying put. A research place, very academic yet the most professional interview I had. A panel interview, very smartly designed technical questioning that I will use if I ever have to interview. It was a good experience. I know I didn't have the skillset they were seeking (linux and performance tuning are not my strong points, I've worked mainly on Solaris for the last 5 years) but I went along just to learn a little more how these things are done and to be more prepared if I ever really wanted to. The job itself would suit a geek a few years out of Uni, happy to take the relatively low salary. I think I would find it frustrating, each academic bid leading to its own admin staff and ways of doing things. Useful experience for the interview and also very useful to know that yes, I really am used to working for the big corporates now.
I showed what a total klutz I was on the way there, I was really lucky not to have an accident but in hindsight it was kinda funny. My sat nav fell off the windscreen and I watched it fall in a graceful arc til it hit my gear selector (i drive an automatic) knocking it out of drive into neutral. In instinctive (stupid) reaction I dive for it, missing, knocking it into reverse. While the car is moving forward. That was quite an impressive grinding noise. How quickly I stopped and switched the engine off to hide all the big red lights was even more impressive. It seems ok but... I think it made my mind up, this car is gonna go. *grin* just the kind of thing to put you in a relaxed mood for an interview :). Not quite as much as not actually expecting to want the job, I admit. That seems a better way to do it.
So. I stay put, but I am glad to have a week off to let that idea settle. Hell I am just glad to have a week off at the moment I really need it as I am tired, tired to the point of exhaustion. That horrible black cloud is lurking there snapping and trying to bite so I'm kicking it away and looking forward to this week ahead. Its half-term break so a whole week with my son. We intend to do some day trips and some time around the house. It should be great, no matter the weather. My landlady comes back tomorrow too for the last time before she moves, so hectic as hell but a good good time. Just finished tidying the house ready for her *grin* just need to hoover and thats it! That can wait til tomorrow though. In fact after this blog everything will wait til tomorrow!
Just one last thing to write about. This morning she surprised me, well left me speechless. We were chatting this morning while I was getting ready to go for the interview and she just casually threw into the conversation that I was going to buy myself a dog bowl. I didn't quite know what to say or to think, so I just gawped a little and went very submissively quiet. Yes I'm a pup and I love scampering around and being playful and I think I've made it clear about my tail and what that means but... I've never understood or really had a desire to take it further, when she mentioned that though. I can't really explain the mindset. If I think of the bowl I go all coldly analytical and dispassionate and stop feeling. So instead I've just let it linger at the back of my mind where it sort of has made a hole to sit in. If I brush my gaze over that thought in my mind I feel a little light headed, tight chested, I can feel the hairs on my arms individually, my skin feeling cold chills and yet burning, crawling, a breeze when there is none and then my toes want to curl and my mind goes quiet and I want to stretch and roll up all at once. I don't understand it, except, I can feel her and her mind and her will and that becomes all that matters. This is so outside of my experience, so outside my understanding and I guess being pushed out of my nice spoilt safe comfort zone. I feel like I am falling but I know I will be caught, just don't know when or how. Its kind of scary, but in a wonderful way. All over such a simple thing? So much of how I am now I don't think about as it has become part of my basic needs and desires. Yes, I feel like a slut inside and my desires are so strong in some directions they get brought up with a simple prod, but they just feel so much part of me now they've been awakened, they are like second nature. This though, this is something totally different. I know its hard to understand the relationship in an online collaring. One day I may write a blog trying to explain, explain what she means to me, explain the whys and whats. Then again, I don't think I could ever do her justice, pin down the so many very facets of her that make her the amazing Lady she is, friend, confident, Owner, so much more, and in the end its that. Its about her and what she deserves. I am a very very lucky pup.
I'm not happy with this blog, the first one sounded better, was much mushier and much more how I felt but... I am tired and now bed.
What I am though, is proud owner of my very first bowl bought from the store on the way home from work.
*shivers*
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Calls
Grrrr so I go to the munch and just long enough to buy a southern-comfort and lemonade and my work phone rings. Only 2nd on call but the first on-call isn't answering. I had left my laptop at work on a chance (I mean how often does the second get called out???). That'll teach me. Worse, this was about a server that had been down 3 days so why was it suddenly so urgent for a call out?
Well I agreed to pop into work on the way back home after the install had completed to try and recover the configuration as they insisted it was done tonight.
I was kind of quiet. I listened, I had the call out on my mind. I don't think I was really in a group mode but I didn't feel uncomfortable really, just quiet. Had a nice dinner though. Only thing that was not hard but... noticable was just how much of a different world it is. My experience is all online, they were all talking about this event they had been to or that, or this party or this person that had flogged them or... lots of common shared experiences between them. I guess I couldn't really relate.
I am pleased though how little thought I put into going for the second time. I just did it. Whether its for me I don't know, but just going back without worrying was good for me.
So I went into work, pointed out all the reasons why we didn't have to rebuild the server over night and came home again. Kinda proud of that as a year ago I would probably have just gone along with it and been quietly cross inside. Being calmly confident seems so much better.
Late getting home and now almost finished unwinding so bed calls. Just time to roll my eyes at finding the waterboard have dug up the path at the bottom of the drive for a water leak from the stopcock. Good job I don't have to get the car out in a hurry...
Well I agreed to pop into work on the way back home after the install had completed to try and recover the configuration as they insisted it was done tonight.
I was kind of quiet. I listened, I had the call out on my mind. I don't think I was really in a group mode but I didn't feel uncomfortable really, just quiet. Had a nice dinner though. Only thing that was not hard but... noticable was just how much of a different world it is. My experience is all online, they were all talking about this event they had been to or that, or this party or this person that had flogged them or... lots of common shared experiences between them. I guess I couldn't really relate.
I am pleased though how little thought I put into going for the second time. I just did it. Whether its for me I don't know, but just going back without worrying was good for me.
So I went into work, pointed out all the reasons why we didn't have to rebuild the server over night and came home again. Kinda proud of that as a year ago I would probably have just gone along with it and been quietly cross inside. Being calmly confident seems so much better.
Late getting home and now almost finished unwinding so bed calls. Just time to roll my eyes at finding the waterboard have dug up the path at the bottom of the drive for a water leak from the stopcock. Good job I don't have to get the car out in a hurry...
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