Something happened this weekend. Something wonderful. Something I don't really understand. Something I can't quite get my head around. Something I thought wasn't for me then found I wanted more than the world.
I have a long history with online things. God... too long. I first went online at University in about 1992 and well, if it's there to be done I've probably done it. I made all the mistakes before people knew there were mistakes to make. Online love affairs, was stalked, dumped, cheated on, and those are only the beginnings... obsessive behavior? Done that. Hiding away? Done that too. Several times. There are things I've done I am not proud of but will honestly admit to. I don't pretend to be anything than I am nowadays, maybe too open a book, maybe I don't think twice enough but, I will admit my mistakes.
For all my mistakes I have met some wonderful people though. I met my best friend online and have had two wonderful holidays with her. I met another dear friend online and am lucky enough to share her home. I still share gossip and family talk and techie help with a special friend I got to know back then at University and had the pleasure of a road trip from SF to LA with all those years ago. 13 years is a good test for any friendship. Years passed when we had lost touch but then we found each other again and it just carries on. These are all real relationships, people I've held in my arms and have lasted the test of time.
I know there are more out there, those I know and have not yet had the privilage of giving that hug to, but I will. You know who you are. There are those out there I have only just started to get to know, and I hope they know who they are too. I hope one day you might come into the circle of my hugging friends. There are those out there I havent met yet. I hope to meet you too.
So I have this ever present battle in my head of how easy it is to hide online in dreams against GOD what a wonderful set of people I've been privilaged to meet. It's a wonderful medium if you reach out from the insides of your own head and touch people in their hearts. It's a terrifying place if you let it make you curl up inside the darkness of your own mind. It's a wonderful place if its a stepping stone into that great world of ours out there.
One of the many things I've learnt from people I've met online is to understand more about myself. I learnt that maybe the way I am is not so unique. Maybe the way I am is just natural for me and not something to be ashamed of or think its weird. I have a strong desire to please, a desire to be around authority, a desire to serve. I have learnt to begin to appreciate these qualities in me by seeing them in those I have grown to respect and care for. I have learnt to respect the more dominant qualities in others again by getting to know people who found a place in my heart. I've learnt that the kinks and desire I have are not abnormal at all but shared in ways by a large number of people that enjoy them. The net is good for that. A boy like me, shy, reticent, quiet, traditional church background, married young but shouldn't have... It's hard to break from that mold and realise there are different ways, that these things aren't wrong. The net isn't a subsitute for real life, but its a place to learn and explore and face some of the confusion and keep making those little steps.
For me, the net is the people. It's not the fantasies, the games, it's the real contact you make with real people that breathe, bleed, hurt, cry, smile, laugh just as I do. We carry these in our day to day lives just as that friend who moved away that now we can only phone.
There is someone I have had the privilege of knowing from online for over a year now who has held me, encouraged me, teased me, opened my eyes, cared for me, stretched me, mentored me, believed in me, provoked me, pushed me, inflamed me. She has taught me it's ok to give all of myself without holding back, that it's not for me to decide what she will and will not like but to give it all, the good and the bad. She wants that gift of everything and she will accept it and take as she pleases.
She has taught me the joy of offering oneself completely to someone who will treasure that gift. They may laugh... they may twist... they may tweak... they may use it for their own pleasure. It may amuse them as any plaything does, but they will cherish that which is freely given. She has taught me the difficulty of surrender and the great pleasure it brings when one let's go and accepts ones nature. She truly understands me better than I understand myself and so many times I have found myself catching up... finally, and wondering how she had known that.
She is sweet, she is evil. She is the velvet glove covering a very iron-willed fist. She is the comforting prescence and the demanding voice. She has taught me what it is to fall believing you will be caught, never knowing when or how but you will be. She has taught me my natural place is at her feet. She has taught me it's possible to totally adore someone you have never met without ever being jealous of their time or who they are with, always craving it and yet just being grateful for what you are given. She has taught me that I am a natural slut inside and am capable of things I never dreamed of. She taught me this is something good, not shameful. She taught me you can be dominant without being super-human or perfect. She taught me submission is an act of strength. She taught me a single word can turn me into a puddle despite my smartass nature.
Knowing she smiled... knowing she is pleased is worth anything. I feel like I have so little to offer. What I have is hers though, freely given.
Oh and naturally she's smart as hell and sexy as anything. I adore her as any puppy adores it's owner.
When does something go from being just words on a screen to being real? Some people say never, physical contact is all that counts. Some people may understand the strange way we can get straight through to the hearts and minds of people we encounter here. If things were different, distances smaller, circumstances changed... I would be at her feet in a heartbeat. Thats all the counts to me. I've made my mistakes online... but turning my back on something so precious simply to begrudge the things that aren't? Never.
Sunday I was honoured for her to place her collar on me. Humbled beyond words yet proud beyond belief she would choose me as her pet. So happy I could have floated away, so amazed such a connection could be made over distance, so shocked I was for once too speechless to be mushy. Well for a bit anyway. I already knew in my heart she owned me, just hadn't dared hope she would want to claim what was hers. I hope I honour her as she deserves in how I am with her and how I live my life away. I am conscious of her watchful eye on me, that how I am with her and away reflects on her. I am conscious as I make those steps of exploration to meet people locally, to experiment, to play, that I so want to make her proud and to please her. I am conscious she drive's me on and will not tolerate complacency.
Thankyou Ma`am doesn't even begin to say it, so it will have to be in everything I do and am instead.
Your pet.
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