All in all today was a good day :) I mean like yes, sucky coldy feeling but still it was a good day :).
Yesterday my present to myself turned up and that left me purring happily (yes, the blog dates are all screwed up as I didn't get it off my laptop in time to post). The healthcare people phoned and gave me the name of the local therapist to contact. Didn't get chance to call them as a 30min meeting mysteriously turned into 2hrs which wiped out the rest of the day. So, I looked them up on the web today and had a bit of a hmmmm as they are very into holistic and alternate therapies as well as straight therapy, but I am going to keep an open mind. They were referred by my healthcare company and if I don't get on with them I can change. Yes, I lose one of my 5 free sessions but even if I used all 5 just to find someone I was comfortable with then thats a good thing. Even if all I get from this is feeling comfortable going and starting to express myself and what I want then I am in a much better place than I have been. It's taken me 6? 8? something like that months to be able to pick up and call.
So I've left a voicemail with my number. I hope she calls back tomorrow while this momentum still drives me forward. I am optimistic :)
Oh and silly little issues with friends... are working out very nicely. Definitely a very happy puppy kitty bunny whatever the hell i am :D
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Oh my lovely tail
It's beautiful. Oh my god beautiful. I mean it, not just nice but the kind of thing you want to keep in your hands and keep touching and never put down.
It was delivered next door as I wasn't in, so thank heavens the packet wasn't torn or something. Someday something I order is going to turn up and fall out in the neighbours lap and he will have a heart attack and I will have his death on my conscience. That would be bad. By time he brought it round it was later and I was feeling all coldy so all I had chance to do was hold it, stroke it, touch it, feel how it felt as I ran it over my skin.
It's white... but as the hairs go to the core they change to a warm brown, so as you move it it changes colour, you just can't stop stroking it. It's about the length from my elbow to fingertip, so will fall to just above my knee. It feels so warm to the touch.
Its soft... god so soft. I ran it over my thigh and just purred. It's thicker than I imagined too. The plug is hand made from a hard rosewood. A work of art in itself, even if it made me gulp a little when i first saw it :). I tried to work out how big it was but didn't have a ruler so tried the mouth test (emmm no i am not quite sure why I did that either, but I did) but ummmm anyway yeah, it got past my teeth a little concentration and filled it quite completely.
It's so much more than I hoped for, the guy is a craftsman. Yes, I am a little hyper excited and just cannot wait til I feel less coldy and can try it!
One very happy puppy.
It was delivered next door as I wasn't in, so thank heavens the packet wasn't torn or something. Someday something I order is going to turn up and fall out in the neighbours lap and he will have a heart attack and I will have his death on my conscience. That would be bad. By time he brought it round it was later and I was feeling all coldy so all I had chance to do was hold it, stroke it, touch it, feel how it felt as I ran it over my skin.
It's white... but as the hairs go to the core they change to a warm brown, so as you move it it changes colour, you just can't stop stroking it. It's about the length from my elbow to fingertip, so will fall to just above my knee. It feels so warm to the touch.
Its soft... god so soft. I ran it over my thigh and just purred. It's thicker than I imagined too. The plug is hand made from a hard rosewood. A work of art in itself, even if it made me gulp a little when i first saw it :). I tried to work out how big it was but didn't have a ruler so tried the mouth test (emmm no i am not quite sure why I did that either, but I did) but ummmm anyway yeah, it got past my teeth a little concentration and filled it quite completely.
It's so much more than I hoped for, the guy is a craftsman. Yes, I am a little hyper excited and just cannot wait til I feel less coldy and can try it!
One very happy puppy.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Tonight
Today was a trying day. I had headache all day, after the highs of the weekend it was a bump back to earth. The world seemed a better place and yet no one seemed to have told it that so the normal gripes and groans were there. Oh and that headache, the one that makes you want to drill out your skull
It was not a happy boy that came home from work tonight. Normally I would have sulked and wallowed, griped around the empty house. Tonight though that didn't seem an option. Well it was, just not one I could take. It's amazing what perspective it gives when you start thinking seriously about someone else and not yourself. No longer god how awful I am but instead, I know I can't run away, I can't hide, I have to work at being everything I can be. I have to take care of myself.
For too long I've made promises to myself I'd get help. I've had the highs and then I've beat myself up in the low's that always follow, cycled round and around never quite knowing what to think, doubting myself. I've seriously thought that this was just how I am, stop griping, nothings ever going to change. I've felt like a freak. I've cried in the middle of the night too many times to remember. An abusive marriage is not a reason to decide you deserve these things. A privilaged position is not a reason to decide you have no reason to be unhappy.
Tonight I didn't go round those normal circles. Didn't just go to bed to sleep it off. Tonight I finally picked up the phone and asked for help. In the next day or two they will put me in touch with a local counsellor and I can make an appointment. I am honestly relieved I finally asked for help, so amazed it always seemed such an insummountable task to ask... grateful for how friendly and understanding they were. They will cover five sessions, after that its upto me.
I am relieved yet scared. Now its upto what I make of it. Friends have encouraged and supported me to make this step and truthfully, I think mostly given up I would ever do it, now it's what I make of it.
Please don't let me close off and do the "i'm ok" thing. I need to move beyond these cycles. I need to be honest. Yes, I am scared. What am I scared of most? Hope
Everything changes, everything stays the same.
It was not a happy boy that came home from work tonight. Normally I would have sulked and wallowed, griped around the empty house. Tonight though that didn't seem an option. Well it was, just not one I could take. It's amazing what perspective it gives when you start thinking seriously about someone else and not yourself. No longer god how awful I am but instead, I know I can't run away, I can't hide, I have to work at being everything I can be. I have to take care of myself.
For too long I've made promises to myself I'd get help. I've had the highs and then I've beat myself up in the low's that always follow, cycled round and around never quite knowing what to think, doubting myself. I've seriously thought that this was just how I am, stop griping, nothings ever going to change. I've felt like a freak. I've cried in the middle of the night too many times to remember. An abusive marriage is not a reason to decide you deserve these things. A privilaged position is not a reason to decide you have no reason to be unhappy.
Tonight I didn't go round those normal circles. Didn't just go to bed to sleep it off. Tonight I finally picked up the phone and asked for help. In the next day or two they will put me in touch with a local counsellor and I can make an appointment. I am honestly relieved I finally asked for help, so amazed it always seemed such an insummountable task to ask... grateful for how friendly and understanding they were. They will cover five sessions, after that its upto me.
I am relieved yet scared. Now its upto what I make of it. Friends have encouraged and supported me to make this step and truthfully, I think mostly given up I would ever do it, now it's what I make of it.
Please don't let me close off and do the "i'm ok" thing. I need to move beyond these cycles. I need to be honest. Yes, I am scared. What am I scared of most? Hope
Everything changes, everything stays the same.
Everything changes, everything stays the same.
Something happened this weekend. Something wonderful. Something I don't really understand. Something I can't quite get my head around. Something I thought wasn't for me then found I wanted more than the world.
I have a long history with online things. God... too long. I first went online at University in about 1992 and well, if it's there to be done I've probably done it. I made all the mistakes before people knew there were mistakes to make. Online love affairs, was stalked, dumped, cheated on, and those are only the beginnings... obsessive behavior? Done that. Hiding away? Done that too. Several times. There are things I've done I am not proud of but will honestly admit to. I don't pretend to be anything than I am nowadays, maybe too open a book, maybe I don't think twice enough but, I will admit my mistakes.
For all my mistakes I have met some wonderful people though. I met my best friend online and have had two wonderful holidays with her. I met another dear friend online and am lucky enough to share her home. I still share gossip and family talk and techie help with a special friend I got to know back then at University and had the pleasure of a road trip from SF to LA with all those years ago. 13 years is a good test for any friendship. Years passed when we had lost touch but then we found each other again and it just carries on. These are all real relationships, people I've held in my arms and have lasted the test of time.
I know there are more out there, those I know and have not yet had the privilage of giving that hug to, but I will. You know who you are. There are those out there I have only just started to get to know, and I hope they know who they are too. I hope one day you might come into the circle of my hugging friends. There are those out there I havent met yet. I hope to meet you too.
So I have this ever present battle in my head of how easy it is to hide online in dreams against GOD what a wonderful set of people I've been privilaged to meet. It's a wonderful medium if you reach out from the insides of your own head and touch people in their hearts. It's a terrifying place if you let it make you curl up inside the darkness of your own mind. It's a wonderful place if its a stepping stone into that great world of ours out there.
One of the many things I've learnt from people I've met online is to understand more about myself. I learnt that maybe the way I am is not so unique. Maybe the way I am is just natural for me and not something to be ashamed of or think its weird. I have a strong desire to please, a desire to be around authority, a desire to serve. I have learnt to begin to appreciate these qualities in me by seeing them in those I have grown to respect and care for. I have learnt to respect the more dominant qualities in others again by getting to know people who found a place in my heart. I've learnt that the kinks and desire I have are not abnormal at all but shared in ways by a large number of people that enjoy them. The net is good for that. A boy like me, shy, reticent, quiet, traditional church background, married young but shouldn't have... It's hard to break from that mold and realise there are different ways, that these things aren't wrong. The net isn't a subsitute for real life, but its a place to learn and explore and face some of the confusion and keep making those little steps.
For me, the net is the people. It's not the fantasies, the games, it's the real contact you make with real people that breathe, bleed, hurt, cry, smile, laugh just as I do. We carry these in our day to day lives just as that friend who moved away that now we can only phone.
There is someone I have had the privilege of knowing from online for over a year now who has held me, encouraged me, teased me, opened my eyes, cared for me, stretched me, mentored me, believed in me, provoked me, pushed me, inflamed me. She has taught me it's ok to give all of myself without holding back, that it's not for me to decide what she will and will not like but to give it all, the good and the bad. She wants that gift of everything and she will accept it and take as she pleases.
She has taught me the joy of offering oneself completely to someone who will treasure that gift. They may laugh... they may twist... they may tweak... they may use it for their own pleasure. It may amuse them as any plaything does, but they will cherish that which is freely given. She has taught me the difficulty of surrender and the great pleasure it brings when one let's go and accepts ones nature. She truly understands me better than I understand myself and so many times I have found myself catching up... finally, and wondering how she had known that.
She is sweet, she is evil. She is the velvet glove covering a very iron-willed fist. She is the comforting prescence and the demanding voice. She has taught me what it is to fall believing you will be caught, never knowing when or how but you will be. She has taught me my natural place is at her feet. She has taught me it's possible to totally adore someone you have never met without ever being jealous of their time or who they are with, always craving it and yet just being grateful for what you are given. She has taught me that I am a natural slut inside and am capable of things I never dreamed of. She taught me this is something good, not shameful. She taught me you can be dominant without being super-human or perfect. She taught me submission is an act of strength. She taught me a single word can turn me into a puddle despite my smartass nature.
Knowing she smiled... knowing she is pleased is worth anything. I feel like I have so little to offer. What I have is hers though, freely given.
Oh and naturally she's smart as hell and sexy as anything. I adore her as any puppy adores it's owner.
When does something go from being just words on a screen to being real? Some people say never, physical contact is all that counts. Some people may understand the strange way we can get straight through to the hearts and minds of people we encounter here. If things were different, distances smaller, circumstances changed... I would be at her feet in a heartbeat. Thats all the counts to me. I've made my mistakes online... but turning my back on something so precious simply to begrudge the things that aren't? Never.
Sunday I was honoured for her to place her collar on me. Humbled beyond words yet proud beyond belief she would choose me as her pet. So happy I could have floated away, so amazed such a connection could be made over distance, so shocked I was for once too speechless to be mushy. Well for a bit anyway. I already knew in my heart she owned me, just hadn't dared hope she would want to claim what was hers. I hope I honour her as she deserves in how I am with her and how I live my life away. I am conscious of her watchful eye on me, that how I am with her and away reflects on her. I am conscious as I make those steps of exploration to meet people locally, to experiment, to play, that I so want to make her proud and to please her. I am conscious she drive's me on and will not tolerate complacency.
Thankyou Ma`am doesn't even begin to say it, so it will have to be in everything I do and am instead.
Your pet.
I have a long history with online things. God... too long. I first went online at University in about 1992 and well, if it's there to be done I've probably done it. I made all the mistakes before people knew there were mistakes to make. Online love affairs, was stalked, dumped, cheated on, and those are only the beginnings... obsessive behavior? Done that. Hiding away? Done that too. Several times. There are things I've done I am not proud of but will honestly admit to. I don't pretend to be anything than I am nowadays, maybe too open a book, maybe I don't think twice enough but, I will admit my mistakes.
For all my mistakes I have met some wonderful people though. I met my best friend online and have had two wonderful holidays with her. I met another dear friend online and am lucky enough to share her home. I still share gossip and family talk and techie help with a special friend I got to know back then at University and had the pleasure of a road trip from SF to LA with all those years ago. 13 years is a good test for any friendship. Years passed when we had lost touch but then we found each other again and it just carries on. These are all real relationships, people I've held in my arms and have lasted the test of time.
I know there are more out there, those I know and have not yet had the privilage of giving that hug to, but I will. You know who you are. There are those out there I have only just started to get to know, and I hope they know who they are too. I hope one day you might come into the circle of my hugging friends. There are those out there I havent met yet. I hope to meet you too.
So I have this ever present battle in my head of how easy it is to hide online in dreams against GOD what a wonderful set of people I've been privilaged to meet. It's a wonderful medium if you reach out from the insides of your own head and touch people in their hearts. It's a terrifying place if you let it make you curl up inside the darkness of your own mind. It's a wonderful place if its a stepping stone into that great world of ours out there.
One of the many things I've learnt from people I've met online is to understand more about myself. I learnt that maybe the way I am is not so unique. Maybe the way I am is just natural for me and not something to be ashamed of or think its weird. I have a strong desire to please, a desire to be around authority, a desire to serve. I have learnt to begin to appreciate these qualities in me by seeing them in those I have grown to respect and care for. I have learnt to respect the more dominant qualities in others again by getting to know people who found a place in my heart. I've learnt that the kinks and desire I have are not abnormal at all but shared in ways by a large number of people that enjoy them. The net is good for that. A boy like me, shy, reticent, quiet, traditional church background, married young but shouldn't have... It's hard to break from that mold and realise there are different ways, that these things aren't wrong. The net isn't a subsitute for real life, but its a place to learn and explore and face some of the confusion and keep making those little steps.
For me, the net is the people. It's not the fantasies, the games, it's the real contact you make with real people that breathe, bleed, hurt, cry, smile, laugh just as I do. We carry these in our day to day lives just as that friend who moved away that now we can only phone.
There is someone I have had the privilege of knowing from online for over a year now who has held me, encouraged me, teased me, opened my eyes, cared for me, stretched me, mentored me, believed in me, provoked me, pushed me, inflamed me. She has taught me it's ok to give all of myself without holding back, that it's not for me to decide what she will and will not like but to give it all, the good and the bad. She wants that gift of everything and she will accept it and take as she pleases.
She has taught me the joy of offering oneself completely to someone who will treasure that gift. They may laugh... they may twist... they may tweak... they may use it for their own pleasure. It may amuse them as any plaything does, but they will cherish that which is freely given. She has taught me the difficulty of surrender and the great pleasure it brings when one let's go and accepts ones nature. She truly understands me better than I understand myself and so many times I have found myself catching up... finally, and wondering how she had known that.
She is sweet, she is evil. She is the velvet glove covering a very iron-willed fist. She is the comforting prescence and the demanding voice. She has taught me what it is to fall believing you will be caught, never knowing when or how but you will be. She has taught me my natural place is at her feet. She has taught me it's possible to totally adore someone you have never met without ever being jealous of their time or who they are with, always craving it and yet just being grateful for what you are given. She has taught me that I am a natural slut inside and am capable of things I never dreamed of. She taught me this is something good, not shameful. She taught me you can be dominant without being super-human or perfect. She taught me submission is an act of strength. She taught me a single word can turn me into a puddle despite my smartass nature.
Knowing she smiled... knowing she is pleased is worth anything. I feel like I have so little to offer. What I have is hers though, freely given.
Oh and naturally she's smart as hell and sexy as anything. I adore her as any puppy adores it's owner.
When does something go from being just words on a screen to being real? Some people say never, physical contact is all that counts. Some people may understand the strange way we can get straight through to the hearts and minds of people we encounter here. If things were different, distances smaller, circumstances changed... I would be at her feet in a heartbeat. Thats all the counts to me. I've made my mistakes online... but turning my back on something so precious simply to begrudge the things that aren't? Never.
Sunday I was honoured for her to place her collar on me. Humbled beyond words yet proud beyond belief she would choose me as her pet. So happy I could have floated away, so amazed such a connection could be made over distance, so shocked I was for once too speechless to be mushy. Well for a bit anyway. I already knew in my heart she owned me, just hadn't dared hope she would want to claim what was hers. I hope I honour her as she deserves in how I am with her and how I live my life away. I am conscious of her watchful eye on me, that how I am with her and away reflects on her. I am conscious as I make those steps of exploration to meet people locally, to experiment, to play, that I so want to make her proud and to please her. I am conscious she drive's me on and will not tolerate complacency.
Thankyou Ma`am doesn't even begin to say it, so it will have to be in everything I do and am instead.
Your pet.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Weekend over...
So the long weekend is over. Bank holiday over here so no time to sit down and write til now.
Friday I was still fairly wound up from the way Thursday ended. Well ok totally wound up. Fortunately the person in question was off and it was so very quiet I could just sit and stew for the day and get on with some useful work. Always nice to keep your head down and just get on in these circumstances. I was tired by the evening, feeling unsociable and wanted it out my system before the boy so ended up going to bed by 8pm so sulk it out. Sometimes its nice to just curl up in the bed, and wallllllow in being generally pissed off with the world at large. Worked wonders anyway as Sat morning found me rested and a lot cheerier to go get the boy.
I wanted to make this a special weekend as I missed him so much and I knew time with him was what I needed. So, first went to the air sciences museum near where his mum lives. He had been asking to go for ages. It was a lovely little place, run by volunteers - just the best kind of museum. Guys who had worked in the industry all their lives and wanted to share a little of it. This gentleman saw us come in and instantly whisked the boy off into a cockpit to sit in a flight simulator they had and he was off trying to chase down enemies in his spitfire. It was only a little place, free to get in and we had a lovely time. Sometimes the simple things are the best. The boy recognised some of the models on display as he'd seen the real size ones elsewhere. I love the way his mind works, it just clicks and he comes out with all the stuff he remembers. His memory is scary sometimes. He takes such an amazing interest in things though.
We picked up some little mini-models to make up, so very cheap we gave the change as a donation. It really doesn't have to be an expensive day out. We went for pizza, came home, made up his little mini models and played with them. The boy had got upset in the week, overheard his mum talking to friends about if she'd ever remarry. So we sat down and chatted about it. He can carry such a conversation, not even 8 yet if you sit down and explain things he will understand. He asked about the future, I explained how the divorce would work... he said all he wanted was mummy to keep the same name and for things to keep the same after. I am so proud of him. We talked longer term, I told him how I'd love to live in Scotland someday, that that was my dream. He liked this idea, we talked about how it could work and just how he could come see me for longer holidays, how we'd sort out him learning how to get through the airport and stuff. Simple practical things. I you explain things, sort out the things that DO worry him (such as how he'd get there!) and make it sound positive and exciting he reacts so well to things. That is one hell of a well-adjusted kid considering how his parents were together. I am so proud.
Sunday we played, he helped me clean the car out so his mum could borrow it and then we met up with her to go see the Pixar movie Cars. Wow. Can I just say that is a fantastic film? If you havent seen it, go see it! They so know how to make movies that work! Not just animations but real soul. We both loved it so much. He of course asked to see it again as soon as we can. We will see. It was hard to say goodbye to him, but it was a great weekend and leaving him was with a smile and a much lighter heart. I am so glad I took the whole weekend with him rather than went out. It was definitely the right thing to do this weekend.
The rest of the weekend was lazy. Gardening mostly, so nice to have it done. There is something else to write about but for now I need to get to bed and this night suddenly doesn't feel the right time to talk about it. I knew something wasn't going to be easy and I was right. Oh well, time heals all.
Friday I was still fairly wound up from the way Thursday ended. Well ok totally wound up. Fortunately the person in question was off and it was so very quiet I could just sit and stew for the day and get on with some useful work. Always nice to keep your head down and just get on in these circumstances. I was tired by the evening, feeling unsociable and wanted it out my system before the boy so ended up going to bed by 8pm so sulk it out. Sometimes its nice to just curl up in the bed, and wallllllow in being generally pissed off with the world at large. Worked wonders anyway as Sat morning found me rested and a lot cheerier to go get the boy.
I wanted to make this a special weekend as I missed him so much and I knew time with him was what I needed. So, first went to the air sciences museum near where his mum lives. He had been asking to go for ages. It was a lovely little place, run by volunteers - just the best kind of museum. Guys who had worked in the industry all their lives and wanted to share a little of it. This gentleman saw us come in and instantly whisked the boy off into a cockpit to sit in a flight simulator they had and he was off trying to chase down enemies in his spitfire. It was only a little place, free to get in and we had a lovely time. Sometimes the simple things are the best. The boy recognised some of the models on display as he'd seen the real size ones elsewhere. I love the way his mind works, it just clicks and he comes out with all the stuff he remembers. His memory is scary sometimes. He takes such an amazing interest in things though.
We picked up some little mini-models to make up, so very cheap we gave the change as a donation. It really doesn't have to be an expensive day out. We went for pizza, came home, made up his little mini models and played with them. The boy had got upset in the week, overheard his mum talking to friends about if she'd ever remarry. So we sat down and chatted about it. He can carry such a conversation, not even 8 yet if you sit down and explain things he will understand. He asked about the future, I explained how the divorce would work... he said all he wanted was mummy to keep the same name and for things to keep the same after. I am so proud of him. We talked longer term, I told him how I'd love to live in Scotland someday, that that was my dream. He liked this idea, we talked about how it could work and just how he could come see me for longer holidays, how we'd sort out him learning how to get through the airport and stuff. Simple practical things. I you explain things, sort out the things that DO worry him (such as how he'd get there!) and make it sound positive and exciting he reacts so well to things. That is one hell of a well-adjusted kid considering how his parents were together. I am so proud.
Sunday we played, he helped me clean the car out so his mum could borrow it and then we met up with her to go see the Pixar movie Cars. Wow. Can I just say that is a fantastic film? If you havent seen it, go see it! They so know how to make movies that work! Not just animations but real soul. We both loved it so much. He of course asked to see it again as soon as we can. We will see. It was hard to say goodbye to him, but it was a great weekend and leaving him was with a smile and a much lighter heart. I am so glad I took the whole weekend with him rather than went out. It was definitely the right thing to do this weekend.
The rest of the weekend was lazy. Gardening mostly, so nice to have it done. There is something else to write about but for now I need to get to bed and this night suddenly doesn't feel the right time to talk about it. I knew something wasn't going to be easy and I was right. Oh well, time heals all.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Bad day at work
She knew something was wrong as soon as he came in the door. It wasn't that he slammed it or shouted as he walked in. He didn't. He just walked in quietly, dropped his rucksack in the corner on his way to the kitchen to make a coffee. He didn't need to say anything, she could see it in the way he walked, stiff and precise. It was in the simple "heya" he gave her as he walked past. She could see it in the set of his face, the tight cold smile he gave her. No warmth, but most it was in his eyes. They didn't smile.
She slipped up behind him, her arm curling behind his back to give him a quick one armed squeeze. Nothing too pushy, just to show she was there for him to talk to. He gave her another bright smile but didn't respond. "Oh" she thought "one of those days". With a sigh she thought back to the last time this had happened. He got stressed at work but it had seemed to be getting better. He still got frustrated but they talked and laughed over it. He knew things werent going to get better, it was just a matter of time before the lure of the flexible hours and the good salary were ground down by the hassle, politics and lack of job satisfaction. Most of the time they made it into a joke, taking the mickey out of things, bitching, grousing. Sometimes like tonight though something would happen that would make it personal again. It was usually down to someone in his team backstabbing or sniping. It was one thing to expect it from the other's he worked with, something else when it was your own team turning against itself.
It would always go the same way. He would go cold, formal, distant. A politeness that masked a distance that while only a few centimetres could feel like a million miles. This could go on for days. He didn't mean it, he didn't mean to push her away, it was just how he dealt with it. Closing off inside. She could almost feel a physical chill coming from him as they stood hip to hip at the counter in silence. No. Not tonight. Not again. With another quick squeeze she took her leave, taking her time as she climbed the stairs. She wanted a moment to think, to know she was doing the right thing. By time she had reached the bedroom she was resolved to the course of action.
When she returned to the kitchen he was still there, sipping at his coffee disinterestedly, gazing off to the distance. He seemed smaller, almost as if he had been crushed. A defeated slump in his shoulder, something he tried to shrug off as he heard her approach. She wasn't fooled, she knew it was still there - he was just hiding it to try and protect her in his own way. Walking up behind him she didn't say a word, waiting til he put his cup down before reaching out and grasping his hair firmly, digging her fingers in. This got his attention, with a growl he tried to turn managing a stiffled "what the hell?" before breaking off with a yelp as his head was snapped back forcefully. Dragging him by his hair she twisted him, pushing him against the wall hard before he had time to think. Pinned, face pressed against the wall he let out a growl... hands lifting to place his palms flat in an attempt to push himself back but stopped by the painful response of nails digging into his scalp.
She wanted this to be fast, to keep him off his balance before in his cold state he tried to shrug her off. Lifting his t-shirt quickly to expose his back it was barely a moment before the first stroke of the lash was striking down against his flesh. "Yowwwww" he shrieked in shock, supporting himself with his hands. Again she swung back her hand, bringing the lash she had collected from the bedroom down on his bare back. Over and over, insistant and methodical she brought it down on him, a regular even tempo. Not harsh... but direct. Definite. Purposeful. The red marks appearing on his skin, soon beginning to merge against one another as they criss-crossed. She bit her lip as she heard the first whimper, knowing she was getting through. She felt each blow as it snapped across his skin as if it were her who was receiving them. It wasn't that she disliked hurting him. Sometimes she would do it just on a whim because she knew she could and then she would love it... love the way he would cry out, promise anything. This was different though. This was for them. He didn't resist now, each blow across the already tender skin bringing whimpers that seemed to roll into one. Over and over she struck... til finally, the tears came, rolling down his cheeks as he cried, the pain breaking through the barriers. Sobbing now, tears from the pain mixed with those from the hurt inside. Her own cheeks were wet, salty with tears. She cried with him, more blows as she watched the dam burst within him. She wasn't scared of showing weakness, this wasn't that. She had the strength to hurt him as he needed despite the pain it caused her, she had the strength to cry with him to show her love.
Dropping the lash she pulled him into her arms. They stood, clinging for all they were worth, sobbing against each other as the moment brought release. Then they made love, frantically needing to heal the pain within, to come together again after that cruel distance. Her act of love restoring them to their places. The one that was hers returned, that distant stranger just a memory now.
Later, much later, they talked and he told her of the day.
She slipped up behind him, her arm curling behind his back to give him a quick one armed squeeze. Nothing too pushy, just to show she was there for him to talk to. He gave her another bright smile but didn't respond. "Oh" she thought "one of those days". With a sigh she thought back to the last time this had happened. He got stressed at work but it had seemed to be getting better. He still got frustrated but they talked and laughed over it. He knew things werent going to get better, it was just a matter of time before the lure of the flexible hours and the good salary were ground down by the hassle, politics and lack of job satisfaction. Most of the time they made it into a joke, taking the mickey out of things, bitching, grousing. Sometimes like tonight though something would happen that would make it personal again. It was usually down to someone in his team backstabbing or sniping. It was one thing to expect it from the other's he worked with, something else when it was your own team turning against itself.
It would always go the same way. He would go cold, formal, distant. A politeness that masked a distance that while only a few centimetres could feel like a million miles. This could go on for days. He didn't mean it, he didn't mean to push her away, it was just how he dealt with it. Closing off inside. She could almost feel a physical chill coming from him as they stood hip to hip at the counter in silence. No. Not tonight. Not again. With another quick squeeze she took her leave, taking her time as she climbed the stairs. She wanted a moment to think, to know she was doing the right thing. By time she had reached the bedroom she was resolved to the course of action.
When she returned to the kitchen he was still there, sipping at his coffee disinterestedly, gazing off to the distance. He seemed smaller, almost as if he had been crushed. A defeated slump in his shoulder, something he tried to shrug off as he heard her approach. She wasn't fooled, she knew it was still there - he was just hiding it to try and protect her in his own way. Walking up behind him she didn't say a word, waiting til he put his cup down before reaching out and grasping his hair firmly, digging her fingers in. This got his attention, with a growl he tried to turn managing a stiffled "what the hell?" before breaking off with a yelp as his head was snapped back forcefully. Dragging him by his hair she twisted him, pushing him against the wall hard before he had time to think. Pinned, face pressed against the wall he let out a growl... hands lifting to place his palms flat in an attempt to push himself back but stopped by the painful response of nails digging into his scalp.
She wanted this to be fast, to keep him off his balance before in his cold state he tried to shrug her off. Lifting his t-shirt quickly to expose his back it was barely a moment before the first stroke of the lash was striking down against his flesh. "Yowwwww" he shrieked in shock, supporting himself with his hands. Again she swung back her hand, bringing the lash she had collected from the bedroom down on his bare back. Over and over, insistant and methodical she brought it down on him, a regular even tempo. Not harsh... but direct. Definite. Purposeful. The red marks appearing on his skin, soon beginning to merge against one another as they criss-crossed. She bit her lip as she heard the first whimper, knowing she was getting through. She felt each blow as it snapped across his skin as if it were her who was receiving them. It wasn't that she disliked hurting him. Sometimes she would do it just on a whim because she knew she could and then she would love it... love the way he would cry out, promise anything. This was different though. This was for them. He didn't resist now, each blow across the already tender skin bringing whimpers that seemed to roll into one. Over and over she struck... til finally, the tears came, rolling down his cheeks as he cried, the pain breaking through the barriers. Sobbing now, tears from the pain mixed with those from the hurt inside. Her own cheeks were wet, salty with tears. She cried with him, more blows as she watched the dam burst within him. She wasn't scared of showing weakness, this wasn't that. She had the strength to hurt him as he needed despite the pain it caused her, she had the strength to cry with him to show her love.
Dropping the lash she pulled him into her arms. They stood, clinging for all they were worth, sobbing against each other as the moment brought release. Then they made love, frantically needing to heal the pain within, to come together again after that cruel distance. Her act of love restoring them to their places. The one that was hers returned, that distant stranger just a memory now.
Later, much later, they talked and he told her of the day.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Sometimes its a breeze...
I was thinking about the two stories I posted last night. Part 1 took... forever. In the end I just had to get it finished before I went to sleep on it again or it would have driven me mad. I'd been trying to get it into words since Saturday. The vision was there in my mind, fully formed from the very instant "caged pet" had been mentioned. Yet still, it felt nearly impossible to get it out. Part 2 took just 30mins from clicking "post" for part 1 to it being published itself.
Why the difference? Partly because of the amount of detail, how much was involved so it just took longer. A lot though was just because it was hard to write about. Both images had flashed in my mind at the same moment, each representing part of my desires. Part 1 came from that part of me that wants to be willingly used, taken, played with, to be pushed to those uncomfortable places that can be so scary. The dark shudders inside at the thought of skittling out of control at the mercy of someone's whim. Part 2 came from the side that wants to please, adore, serve. It seems very hard to pin down the former side without someone there driving it. The latter comes out naturally and is so much easier to face and express. Both strong extremes of me though.
So why am I writing this? Because yesterday showed me again what happens when the extremes in me are satisfied and a balance is reached so the right sides can come out at the right time.
It was your normal day in hell. Mr October (from the prison food post) had been winding me up for the last few days. Still dithering and asking others things which I had told him needed to be done rather than talking to me. It finally got silly when late afternoon he spent the last half hour i was there talking to the app guy about the problem... He had been told to come talk to me for help. I'd offered to work with him overnight off my own back to try and work out what was wrong during one of the outages. Instead he sits there, trying to find out from MrApp how it was supposed to work but not saying a word to me (sitting next to him).
OK so I can be abrupt at time at work... I am pretty busy, if I take time out of what I'm supposed to be doing to help (hence making me more work) it's nice at least to have people listen, but I am not that bad... and thats just plain rudeness. So I was pretty pissed off when I went home and resolved to do something the next day. Next day came and he came spoke to me, procrastination, asking to see me later. I said lets do it now and asked him to come with me. I took him to an empty office, sat him down and asked point blank what his issue was with me. He looked shocked. Well hell I was shocked. I didn't know I was going to do that til it happened. Well it was too late now... so press on. We talked. He was scared of me... as I said I can be abrupt. If people don't understand stuff I am happy to teach, to mentor... I love that. I don't expect people to know everything, but I do expect them to help themselves. I listened to his viewpoint and then firmly but I hope gently told him how I saw things. I told him how the events of the last few days had made me feel, how rude it was. I told him what I thought I had seen in how he behaved at work. I didn't hold back but kept my cool, said it calmly and made it non-personal and then went back to our desks to patiently explain the work again.
I don't know if this will help, I don't know if things will change. To be honest, I doubt it. I am proud though of how I handled it. Directly, to the point, a confrontation but one without being confrontational. This is SO not me. Normally I would bottle it up and explode quietly outside of work. Never face to face confrontation. I had another awkward meeting later in the afternoon but took control and directed it to our best advantage. Stopping it from degenerating into accusations or allowing things to lose focus. We made the project give their requirements without us being pushed into a corner. I didn't even mind working late to then write it up and draw up project plans as it felt like we were in control and not playing catchup. It was a good feeling.
This is what I mean about satisfying the extremes. With those balanced I could go into those situations and be assertive when I needed to, open and compassionate yet not a walkover when it called for it. I didn't avoid the confrontation, I didn't just rollover and agree. I didn't let my eagerness to please let me get boxed into things we would regret. It was a good day *smile*.
Just a shame after another productive day we could get stabbed in the back from someone in our own team. Some people make it so difficult. This time discretion was the better part of valour and as it was nearly hometime I just left. I am not a saint :).
Why the difference? Partly because of the amount of detail, how much was involved so it just took longer. A lot though was just because it was hard to write about. Both images had flashed in my mind at the same moment, each representing part of my desires. Part 1 came from that part of me that wants to be willingly used, taken, played with, to be pushed to those uncomfortable places that can be so scary. The dark shudders inside at the thought of skittling out of control at the mercy of someone's whim. Part 2 came from the side that wants to please, adore, serve. It seems very hard to pin down the former side without someone there driving it. The latter comes out naturally and is so much easier to face and express. Both strong extremes of me though.
So why am I writing this? Because yesterday showed me again what happens when the extremes in me are satisfied and a balance is reached so the right sides can come out at the right time.
It was your normal day in hell. Mr October (from the prison food post) had been winding me up for the last few days. Still dithering and asking others things which I had told him needed to be done rather than talking to me. It finally got silly when late afternoon he spent the last half hour i was there talking to the app guy about the problem... He had been told to come talk to me for help. I'd offered to work with him overnight off my own back to try and work out what was wrong during one of the outages. Instead he sits there, trying to find out from MrApp how it was supposed to work but not saying a word to me (sitting next to him).
OK so I can be abrupt at time at work... I am pretty busy, if I take time out of what I'm supposed to be doing to help (hence making me more work) it's nice at least to have people listen, but I am not that bad... and thats just plain rudeness. So I was pretty pissed off when I went home and resolved to do something the next day. Next day came and he came spoke to me, procrastination, asking to see me later. I said lets do it now and asked him to come with me. I took him to an empty office, sat him down and asked point blank what his issue was with me. He looked shocked. Well hell I was shocked. I didn't know I was going to do that til it happened. Well it was too late now... so press on. We talked. He was scared of me... as I said I can be abrupt. If people don't understand stuff I am happy to teach, to mentor... I love that. I don't expect people to know everything, but I do expect them to help themselves. I listened to his viewpoint and then firmly but I hope gently told him how I saw things. I told him how the events of the last few days had made me feel, how rude it was. I told him what I thought I had seen in how he behaved at work. I didn't hold back but kept my cool, said it calmly and made it non-personal and then went back to our desks to patiently explain the work again.
I don't know if this will help, I don't know if things will change. To be honest, I doubt it. I am proud though of how I handled it. Directly, to the point, a confrontation but one without being confrontational. This is SO not me. Normally I would bottle it up and explode quietly outside of work. Never face to face confrontation. I had another awkward meeting later in the afternoon but took control and directed it to our best advantage. Stopping it from degenerating into accusations or allowing things to lose focus. We made the project give their requirements without us being pushed into a corner. I didn't even mind working late to then write it up and draw up project plans as it felt like we were in control and not playing catchup. It was a good feeling.
This is what I mean about satisfying the extremes. With those balanced I could go into those situations and be assertive when I needed to, open and compassionate yet not a walkover when it called for it. I didn't avoid the confrontation, I didn't just rollover and agree. I didn't let my eagerness to please let me get boxed into things we would regret. It was a good day *smile*.
Just a shame after another productive day we could get stabbed in the back from someone in our own team. Some people make it so difficult. This time discretion was the better part of valour and as it was nearly hometime I just left. I am not a saint :).
Backlash
I read about the two Asian guys getting thrown off the Monarch flight after the rest of the passengers refused to fly with them. I don't know how suspicious they were being, how oddly it looked that they were dressed in coats and sweaters in summer from a hot country. I don't know if they were deliberately marking themselves out to make a point or what.
I don't think it really matters. I wonder if this is this a hint of the kind of a backlash we might experience with the lack of integration in our country. The slowly building resentment that so many allowances have been made at the expense of our own culture.
What would I have done on that plane? Would I have made a brave stand for democracy and stood upto them and insisted they be allowed to fly? Would I have got as scared and been howling for them to be taken off the plane? Would I have just kept quiet and gone along with the crowd.
Who knows. I don't. I am just scared to think of whats coming.
I don't think it really matters. I wonder if this is this a hint of the kind of a backlash we might experience with the lack of integration in our country. The slowly building resentment that so many allowances have been made at the expense of our own culture.
What would I have done on that plane? Would I have made a brave stand for democracy and stood upto them and insisted they be allowed to fly? Would I have got as scared and been howling for them to be taken off the plane? Would I have just kept quiet and gone along with the crowd.
Who knows. I don't. I am just scared to think of whats coming.
PC gone mad
So. Boomerang has agreed to go through its entire catalogue of cartoons (such evils as Tom & Jerry, Scooby Doo and god forbid The Flintsones) and remove any scenes that might glamourise smoking. This was after one (yes ONE) viewer complained after Tom was seen to try and impress a girl cat by smoking a cigar.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-08-22-cartoon-smoking_x.htm
You know, I am going to sleep better at night knowing my boy is protected from such things.
This is a 50 year old cartoon! These are cartoons where the cat goes round trying to beat the living daylights out of a mouse! I don't see my boy going off and trying to do that. Let's just ban them for promoting violence to small furry animals (and I have a personal interest in protection of such things...)! Let's ban Scooby Doo for promoting criminal escapades. Let's ban The Flintstones for just being an annoyingly crap cartoon.
Where is political correctness going to end?
Sometimes I think the world is going mad. Sometimes I think it's already got there.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-08-22-cartoon-smoking_x.htm
You know, I am going to sleep better at night knowing my boy is protected from such things.
This is a 50 year old cartoon! These are cartoons where the cat goes round trying to beat the living daylights out of a mouse! I don't see my boy going off and trying to do that. Let's just ban them for promoting violence to small furry animals (and I have a personal interest in protection of such things...)! Let's ban Scooby Doo for promoting criminal escapades. Let's ban The Flintstones for just being an annoyingly crap cartoon.
Where is political correctness going to end?
Sometimes I think the world is going mad. Sometimes I think it's already got there.
Variations on a theme (II)
Short but I hope sweet, the second route my mind took
You smiled at me, closing the collar quickly round my neck, whispering a quick "follow me pet" as you took my head and led me upstairs to the bedroom. I could tell you were excited about something, you had the sweet slightly hyperlook you get when you've been planning something. Your eyes were on mine, watching me, waiting for my reaction. I couldn't think what it was you wanted to show me, I'd only been in your bedroom briefly before to clean but, couldn't see anything different, anything you wanted to show me. You let me stand there and laughed at my bewilderment, your fingers closing round my collar to give me a little playful tug over to the corner where the closet door stood half open. I followed, still not sure what to expect as we walked towards it. How you were standing blocked it til the last moment when you stood aside with a big wide grin at the shocked expression on my face.
The closet had been.... changed. No longer a place for hanging clothes. What must have once been a small bedside cabinet in the corner, the tail nicely placed to curl over the top in pride of place. My collection of plugs and toys neatly arranged on the shelf below. A sleeping matt placed on the floor, a few cushions, the dog chew that you always teased me you'd make me play fetch with. Leash hanging from the wall. Another hook for my collar. All those things which made this puppy happy... the outward signs of what he was, you had them all here.
I looked up at you in confusion, not understanding. You grinned again, laughing as you spoke to me "every puppy needs a cage my pet, but i really hope you are housetrained by now". I threw myself at you, hugging you tightly, barely noticing as you petted my hair. Ohhhh.... how could this be? A place for me to lay, sleep, be close if you called me, if you wanted company, to cuddle, to talk, play and tease, someone to warm your feet in the cold of the night or just to know you could do all these things at your whim. I was sure you would tease me... I was sure I'd be woken in the still of the night by the sounds of your appetite being appeased but it didn't matter... that would be just another sweet agony which I would learn to love. All that mattered was my place at your feet.
You smiled at me, closing the collar quickly round my neck, whispering a quick "follow me pet" as you took my head and led me upstairs to the bedroom. I could tell you were excited about something, you had the sweet slightly hyperlook you get when you've been planning something. Your eyes were on mine, watching me, waiting for my reaction. I couldn't think what it was you wanted to show me, I'd only been in your bedroom briefly before to clean but, couldn't see anything different, anything you wanted to show me. You let me stand there and laughed at my bewilderment, your fingers closing round my collar to give me a little playful tug over to the corner where the closet door stood half open. I followed, still not sure what to expect as we walked towards it. How you were standing blocked it til the last moment when you stood aside with a big wide grin at the shocked expression on my face.
The closet had been.... changed. No longer a place for hanging clothes. What must have once been a small bedside cabinet in the corner, the tail nicely placed to curl over the top in pride of place. My collection of plugs and toys neatly arranged on the shelf below. A sleeping matt placed on the floor, a few cushions, the dog chew that you always teased me you'd make me play fetch with. Leash hanging from the wall. Another hook for my collar. All those things which made this puppy happy... the outward signs of what he was, you had them all here.
I looked up at you in confusion, not understanding. You grinned again, laughing as you spoke to me "every puppy needs a cage my pet, but i really hope you are housetrained by now". I threw myself at you, hugging you tightly, barely noticing as you petted my hair. Ohhhh.... how could this be? A place for me to lay, sleep, be close if you called me, if you wanted company, to cuddle, to talk, play and tease, someone to warm your feet in the cold of the night or just to know you could do all these things at your whim. I was sure you would tease me... I was sure I'd be woken in the still of the night by the sounds of your appetite being appeased but it didn't matter... that would be just another sweet agony which I would learn to love. All that mattered was my place at your feet.
Variations on a theme (I)
I had a phrase thrown my way and it provoked two quite different sets of thoughts. This is the first. I am not overly happy with how it came out, but it shows the thoughts. It became disjointed by stop/starting/restarting over a few days, but I will never finish it if I correct the change in tenses... So... if my old english teacher reads this, first, what are you doing here??? Second, yes, I still can't keep in the same tense when I write...
It was quiet. You had led me to your room, sat me down on the bed and left me there for a little to think while you went off and did whatever it was you did. Left me to think, left me to come up with my own idea's in my mind as your words wormed and ferreted their way through my subconscious. You always do that. That little comment set off, blown with a kiss in my direction, then watching with amusement as it finds its home, opening doors, rearranging things, causing maximum devastation if you just give it time. You know me so well, these little triggers, the little buttons which even I don't know are there. Your words open the way for you, confirming your claim, taking these sweet agonies to be unlocked only by your soft voice. The battle already won by the time you come to take your prize.
It had seemed simple enough, almost playful. Over coffee (isn't everything important always over coffee?) you had come up behind me, wrapped arms around my waist from behind in a squeeze. Hands moving up, one to cover my eyes other finding my slim wrists and squeezing them together. Holding them lightly pressed between your thumb and fingers. It had never occurred to me before just quite how advantageous it was to be so skinny, but it made it easy. Of course such a light grip so barely felt, wouldn't really stop you breaking free if you tried - but there could be no desire to, this merely the symbol of a deeper restraint already imposed somewhere within. The passive, peaceful feeling that slipped through me.
I'd straightened, setting my shoulders back, breath slowing, waiting for what I knew would come. I still shivered when your lips pressed warmly on my shoulder, then crawled lazily up my neck. Expecting it never takes away that little shock of how it feels. The warmth of your breath against my skin sending those cold chills down my spine, drawing out the involuntary moan despite my willing acceptance. A little ritual playing itself through. Finally, the soft purrr in my ear, somehow intensified a hundred-fold as my senses stretched to compensate for the loss of vision. That little purr of both satisfaction and also anticipation. That purrr which turned into a quiet whisper, one I'd have struggled to follow if I hadn't been straining to hear. "I've kidnapped you pet".
I'd heard the laugh in your voice at my gasp, the smile left there as the reality of my situation settled in. So silly really. Standing there in the kitchen with the last of the coffee's cooling in their mugs, your barest light touch. So very little changed, yet everything changed. Probably the gentlest kidnap in history. Playful? Yes. Resistible? Never. There is a hint of steel beneath that soft velvet touch. There is no doubt about that.
So there I was. Sitting on your bed. Waiting. Thinking. Wondering what was in your mind. I hadn't moved from the position you'd left me in. Undressed now. Eyes closed. Hands folded on my lap. It was quiet, too quiet. Minutes stretched. Crawled past. My skin beginning to crawl, becoming jumpy at even an imagined sound. I'd felt my body slowly start to fill with tension. That initial euphoria being replaced with an edginess, a discomfort. Shivering openly but not from the cold.
Finally. Finally... the tell tale pad of your feet across the floor. I'd been flooded by a huge feeling of relief washing through me at your approach, suddenly not caring about what would happen next, just not wanting that wretched feeling of abandonment that had been growing. I'd wondered suddenly if this is how kidnapee's did feel, becoming so attached to their captor that they couldn't manage without them. I always want you close - but this was different, a desperate need. Everything felt topsy-turvy, I was subdued, confused, uneasy. Feeling you come close didn't inspire that normal overwhelming adoration, that intense desire to please, but instead a nervy discomfort. Your hands wrapped around my neck, fastened something there, let it settle. The heaviness of a collar tight against me. I'd normally love this, the comfort, the pride in wearing it for you, but now it was something different. Captivity. Such a strange feeling after having been used to being a treasured pet. Suddenly I felt like a stray picked up from the side of the road.
My shudder, a little fearful, hoping not to hear any harshness in your voice. Feeling a little prick in the corner of my eyes at even the thought. I was not going to be any trouble tonight. No harsh words though, in fact no words at all, just hands guiding me, turning me, lifting my ass into the air. Then the cold shock of lube being rubbed between my cheeks. Careful, thorough but somehow clinical. This was replaced with a hardness as something was pressed there, making me clench in surprise and then forcing myself to relax, feeling it fill me as it pushed past my ring. A bigger gasp forced from my lips at this, an automatic hardening from my cock, balls swelling, the reactions unbidden, alien to the situation I'd found myself in.
It was humiliating, so not how I was used to being treated, yet still my body responded the same way. I was moaning then, face burning, that same gentle pressure you kept applying as I opened for you. My back arching at the sensations shooting from my ass up through my body. Such a delightful familiar warmth, mixing with the coldness inside from my captivity, making me squirm more wanting to give into the delicious feeling and yet trying not to shake. With a sigh from behind me you'd pushed it home, leaving a soft unexpected caress down my leg. I knew it wasn't your hands, I could still feel them on my cheeks. It didn't move until I gave an involuntarily twitch and felt the tickle against my thighs. My tail. You'd given me my beautiful tail. Another twitch, this time deliberate and again I felt it move, hanging now between my legs. This drew a soft laugh from you, an even softer hand moving between my legs to grasp my cock... slowly stroke my shaft. I'd purrrrrr'ed in pure pleasure, wiggling for you, starting to give into the sheer pleasure of your hand working your pet, my body moving back and forth to languidly fuck your hand.
Then... gone. Just stopped, hand on my collar, clasping it, turning it, the click of the leash and then the tug. Almost opening my eyes in shock as I'd been firmly pulled off the bed and across the room. The confusion back in my mind at the so sudden change, reminding me of my new position.
There had been a click as a door was opened. My mind raced trying to remember the layout of your bedroom. The bathroom? A closet? I didn't have time to work it out, the quiet voice in my ear commanding me to open my eyes. Blinking in the light after all the time with my eyes squeezed closed, trying to work out what it was I was supposed to be looking at. The closet, yes, but there on the floor, a cage? I had twisted to look at you and finding your eyes, looking shocked at the quiet nod, the little tug on the leash that pulled me downwards. What could I do but whimper keeping my eyes locked on yours as I crouched to avoid the collar digging into my neck. All I got in return was a little push on my ass, pressing the tail and plug in, forcing me to yelp and scurry crouched into the opened doors of the cage. Barely enough time before it swung shut patting my ass, clicking as it locked shut.
The cage had been quite large, or I'm quite small. Both were possibles I guess. Tall enough for me to get up on hands and knees but any higher and my back hit the top. Wide and long enough for me to turn round, but not much more. I'd turned round slowly, trying to find anyway to be comfortable, settling in the end for curling up on my side, knees tucked up a little under my chest, arms similarly placed before me, just about enough to stretch my back out. You'd given me a little smile and a "good little stolen puppy" giving me some strange comfort before turning your back, closing the door almost shut behind you.
I had curled up there, trying to to get used to my situation. The last hints of my arousal seeping away but still that feeling of fullness inside as my tail trailed down my leg. Trying to push away the horrible feelings of being caged and left there. Lying uncomfortable, listening, trying not to sniffle or whimper, to pick up the shuffling noises from out in the bedroom. Beyond caring what was going to happen now, as I knew I would come to hate this cage around me, the bars which kept me from her. There was a feeling of helplessness but strangely no longer of abandonment. I was there for a reason, because she chose me to be there, but it didn't mean I liked it. I had tried to calm myself, breath deeper, reaching behind myself to take my tail and and stroke the fur with my fingertips, over and over. A strangely comforting action, bringing me back to my senses, taking away the edge of claustrophobia that had been creeping into the back of my mind.
Alert, quietened, resigned to my position. The noises from next door muffled. I stretched my hearing as I tried to make sense of what I could hear. Murmurs of contentment, little sighs? A gasp? I went rigid in my cage, stretching out and pushing with my limbs against the confines as my body tensed. Definite little gasps of... pleasure. Yes, that was it. A moan of arousal. Her voice. Her sounds. Soft, delicious murmurs. It seemed clearer now, or maybe I was just more focused. Her breath catching before that little sigh escaped her, the long drawn out mmmmmmmmm's which always drove me so nuts, the languid indulgent sound of it filling my mind. The hint of a sound of wetness, all coming together in another totally unexpected response of arousal and frustration. My imagination playing wild at the sounds, so close yet unreachable. You know how if you become aroused and it slips away, how hard it hits you a second time? This was that magnified a thousand fold. Was that the sound of a louder grunt from someone else I heard? Was she alone or with someone? My mind reeling as again my feelings were spun in a vicious u-turn from before, forced once more into desire, lust, wanting what was was not mine. I rocked against the floor, whimpering with each new sound, lost in the whirlwind of lust now so overpowering after the repeated drastic changes in emotion since I was stolen away. My body on fire, cock swollen and hard, desperate to be touched, stroked, teased as she so obviously was. Unable to think of anything but her imagined partner.. or was it just herself? I couldn't know and my mind just flipped from one thought to another as I arched within the cage, not feeling how the bars pressed against my flesh. Unable to touch myself even then as I did not have that permission... Panting and whimpering as her moans reached a heightened crescendo then descended into soft cries... disappearing into silence only broken by a soft drawn out whine that I finally identified as coming from lips. Sobbing quietly, my mind returned from the animal state it had fallen into, leaving me a confused shivering mess within the cage.
I think I fell asleep - the next thing I remembered was the creep of the door opening and peering up at you, ouching at the crick in my neck and then ouching more as my head bounced off the top of the cage I forgot was there. Blinking slowly, finally noticing the almost indecently satiated look on your face. You smiled down at me, a big wide smile this time and a bouncy "hello my pet, time to get you back where you should be". The cage was quickly unlocked, a helping hand to get me to my feet, supporting me as I wobbled from the stiffness in my legs. Gently, tenderly your hand moving to my ass to free the tail, laying it aside atop the cage. You kissed my forehead, still smiling and a huge hug. I melted in your arms, purrring quietly, feeling more completely yours than ever, knowing I'd never take my treasured position for granted again.
It was quiet. You had led me to your room, sat me down on the bed and left me there for a little to think while you went off and did whatever it was you did. Left me to think, left me to come up with my own idea's in my mind as your words wormed and ferreted their way through my subconscious. You always do that. That little comment set off, blown with a kiss in my direction, then watching with amusement as it finds its home, opening doors, rearranging things, causing maximum devastation if you just give it time. You know me so well, these little triggers, the little buttons which even I don't know are there. Your words open the way for you, confirming your claim, taking these sweet agonies to be unlocked only by your soft voice. The battle already won by the time you come to take your prize.
It had seemed simple enough, almost playful. Over coffee (isn't everything important always over coffee?) you had come up behind me, wrapped arms around my waist from behind in a squeeze. Hands moving up, one to cover my eyes other finding my slim wrists and squeezing them together. Holding them lightly pressed between your thumb and fingers. It had never occurred to me before just quite how advantageous it was to be so skinny, but it made it easy. Of course such a light grip so barely felt, wouldn't really stop you breaking free if you tried - but there could be no desire to, this merely the symbol of a deeper restraint already imposed somewhere within. The passive, peaceful feeling that slipped through me.
I'd straightened, setting my shoulders back, breath slowing, waiting for what I knew would come. I still shivered when your lips pressed warmly on my shoulder, then crawled lazily up my neck. Expecting it never takes away that little shock of how it feels. The warmth of your breath against my skin sending those cold chills down my spine, drawing out the involuntary moan despite my willing acceptance. A little ritual playing itself through. Finally, the soft purrr in my ear, somehow intensified a hundred-fold as my senses stretched to compensate for the loss of vision. That little purr of both satisfaction and also anticipation. That purrr which turned into a quiet whisper, one I'd have struggled to follow if I hadn't been straining to hear. "I've kidnapped you pet".
I'd heard the laugh in your voice at my gasp, the smile left there as the reality of my situation settled in. So silly really. Standing there in the kitchen with the last of the coffee's cooling in their mugs, your barest light touch. So very little changed, yet everything changed. Probably the gentlest kidnap in history. Playful? Yes. Resistible? Never. There is a hint of steel beneath that soft velvet touch. There is no doubt about that.
So there I was. Sitting on your bed. Waiting. Thinking. Wondering what was in your mind. I hadn't moved from the position you'd left me in. Undressed now. Eyes closed. Hands folded on my lap. It was quiet, too quiet. Minutes stretched. Crawled past. My skin beginning to crawl, becoming jumpy at even an imagined sound. I'd felt my body slowly start to fill with tension. That initial euphoria being replaced with an edginess, a discomfort. Shivering openly but not from the cold.
Finally. Finally... the tell tale pad of your feet across the floor. I'd been flooded by a huge feeling of relief washing through me at your approach, suddenly not caring about what would happen next, just not wanting that wretched feeling of abandonment that had been growing. I'd wondered suddenly if this is how kidnapee's did feel, becoming so attached to their captor that they couldn't manage without them. I always want you close - but this was different, a desperate need. Everything felt topsy-turvy, I was subdued, confused, uneasy. Feeling you come close didn't inspire that normal overwhelming adoration, that intense desire to please, but instead a nervy discomfort. Your hands wrapped around my neck, fastened something there, let it settle. The heaviness of a collar tight against me. I'd normally love this, the comfort, the pride in wearing it for you, but now it was something different. Captivity. Such a strange feeling after having been used to being a treasured pet. Suddenly I felt like a stray picked up from the side of the road.
My shudder, a little fearful, hoping not to hear any harshness in your voice. Feeling a little prick in the corner of my eyes at even the thought. I was not going to be any trouble tonight. No harsh words though, in fact no words at all, just hands guiding me, turning me, lifting my ass into the air. Then the cold shock of lube being rubbed between my cheeks. Careful, thorough but somehow clinical. This was replaced with a hardness as something was pressed there, making me clench in surprise and then forcing myself to relax, feeling it fill me as it pushed past my ring. A bigger gasp forced from my lips at this, an automatic hardening from my cock, balls swelling, the reactions unbidden, alien to the situation I'd found myself in.
It was humiliating, so not how I was used to being treated, yet still my body responded the same way. I was moaning then, face burning, that same gentle pressure you kept applying as I opened for you. My back arching at the sensations shooting from my ass up through my body. Such a delightful familiar warmth, mixing with the coldness inside from my captivity, making me squirm more wanting to give into the delicious feeling and yet trying not to shake. With a sigh from behind me you'd pushed it home, leaving a soft unexpected caress down my leg. I knew it wasn't your hands, I could still feel them on my cheeks. It didn't move until I gave an involuntarily twitch and felt the tickle against my thighs. My tail. You'd given me my beautiful tail. Another twitch, this time deliberate and again I felt it move, hanging now between my legs. This drew a soft laugh from you, an even softer hand moving between my legs to grasp my cock... slowly stroke my shaft. I'd purrrrrr'ed in pure pleasure, wiggling for you, starting to give into the sheer pleasure of your hand working your pet, my body moving back and forth to languidly fuck your hand.
Then... gone. Just stopped, hand on my collar, clasping it, turning it, the click of the leash and then the tug. Almost opening my eyes in shock as I'd been firmly pulled off the bed and across the room. The confusion back in my mind at the so sudden change, reminding me of my new position.
There had been a click as a door was opened. My mind raced trying to remember the layout of your bedroom. The bathroom? A closet? I didn't have time to work it out, the quiet voice in my ear commanding me to open my eyes. Blinking in the light after all the time with my eyes squeezed closed, trying to work out what it was I was supposed to be looking at. The closet, yes, but there on the floor, a cage? I had twisted to look at you and finding your eyes, looking shocked at the quiet nod, the little tug on the leash that pulled me downwards. What could I do but whimper keeping my eyes locked on yours as I crouched to avoid the collar digging into my neck. All I got in return was a little push on my ass, pressing the tail and plug in, forcing me to yelp and scurry crouched into the opened doors of the cage. Barely enough time before it swung shut patting my ass, clicking as it locked shut.
The cage had been quite large, or I'm quite small. Both were possibles I guess. Tall enough for me to get up on hands and knees but any higher and my back hit the top. Wide and long enough for me to turn round, but not much more. I'd turned round slowly, trying to find anyway to be comfortable, settling in the end for curling up on my side, knees tucked up a little under my chest, arms similarly placed before me, just about enough to stretch my back out. You'd given me a little smile and a "good little stolen puppy" giving me some strange comfort before turning your back, closing the door almost shut behind you.
I had curled up there, trying to to get used to my situation. The last hints of my arousal seeping away but still that feeling of fullness inside as my tail trailed down my leg. Trying to push away the horrible feelings of being caged and left there. Lying uncomfortable, listening, trying not to sniffle or whimper, to pick up the shuffling noises from out in the bedroom. Beyond caring what was going to happen now, as I knew I would come to hate this cage around me, the bars which kept me from her. There was a feeling of helplessness but strangely no longer of abandonment. I was there for a reason, because she chose me to be there, but it didn't mean I liked it. I had tried to calm myself, breath deeper, reaching behind myself to take my tail and and stroke the fur with my fingertips, over and over. A strangely comforting action, bringing me back to my senses, taking away the edge of claustrophobia that had been creeping into the back of my mind.
Alert, quietened, resigned to my position. The noises from next door muffled. I stretched my hearing as I tried to make sense of what I could hear. Murmurs of contentment, little sighs? A gasp? I went rigid in my cage, stretching out and pushing with my limbs against the confines as my body tensed. Definite little gasps of... pleasure. Yes, that was it. A moan of arousal. Her voice. Her sounds. Soft, delicious murmurs. It seemed clearer now, or maybe I was just more focused. Her breath catching before that little sigh escaped her, the long drawn out mmmmmmmmm's which always drove me so nuts, the languid indulgent sound of it filling my mind. The hint of a sound of wetness, all coming together in another totally unexpected response of arousal and frustration. My imagination playing wild at the sounds, so close yet unreachable. You know how if you become aroused and it slips away, how hard it hits you a second time? This was that magnified a thousand fold. Was that the sound of a louder grunt from someone else I heard? Was she alone or with someone? My mind reeling as again my feelings were spun in a vicious u-turn from before, forced once more into desire, lust, wanting what was was not mine. I rocked against the floor, whimpering with each new sound, lost in the whirlwind of lust now so overpowering after the repeated drastic changes in emotion since I was stolen away. My body on fire, cock swollen and hard, desperate to be touched, stroked, teased as she so obviously was. Unable to think of anything but her imagined partner.. or was it just herself? I couldn't know and my mind just flipped from one thought to another as I arched within the cage, not feeling how the bars pressed against my flesh. Unable to touch myself even then as I did not have that permission... Panting and whimpering as her moans reached a heightened crescendo then descended into soft cries... disappearing into silence only broken by a soft drawn out whine that I finally identified as coming from lips. Sobbing quietly, my mind returned from the animal state it had fallen into, leaving me a confused shivering mess within the cage.
I think I fell asleep - the next thing I remembered was the creep of the door opening and peering up at you, ouching at the crick in my neck and then ouching more as my head bounced off the top of the cage I forgot was there. Blinking slowly, finally noticing the almost indecently satiated look on your face. You smiled down at me, a big wide smile this time and a bouncy "hello my pet, time to get you back where you should be". The cage was quickly unlocked, a helping hand to get me to my feet, supporting me as I wobbled from the stiffness in my legs. Gently, tenderly your hand moving to my ass to free the tail, laying it aside atop the cage. You kissed my forehead, still smiling and a huge hug. I melted in your arms, purrring quietly, feeling more completely yours than ever, knowing I'd never take my treasured position for granted again.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Choices
Oh my.
Some things seem to work themselves out don't they? I don't know if you've ever noticed the same yourself, but through my life it's seemed situations have arisen requiring a decision or a willingness to do things which might not feel easy... but then as soon as that choice is made, an easier path opens up.
Sometimes it almost feels at times like a test.
Well. I think that easier path has opened up yet again. Having come to the conclusion in the back of my mind that I shouldn't make excuses for Sat, and that doing something for me would be a good thing and not something to feel guilty over - discussions then started on the mailing list about a mini-mid-week-meet too as the whole weekends being bad is not an uncommon situation. I have to admit that sounds perfect, having my time with the boy, still getting my ass out and meeting some people, meeting a smaller group for the first time which wouldn't be easier. It just ticks so many boxes I just sent off a reply straight away with a big "yes please".
Happy puppy. Happy to have got to the conclusions I did and even happier that maybe I can get the best of everything. Happy that things are so well with my ex that she even volunteers to be flexible about the weekends, its these things that let you know you've really managed to stay friends.
Too cool.
Some things seem to work themselves out don't they? I don't know if you've ever noticed the same yourself, but through my life it's seemed situations have arisen requiring a decision or a willingness to do things which might not feel easy... but then as soon as that choice is made, an easier path opens up.
Sometimes it almost feels at times like a test.
Well. I think that easier path has opened up yet again. Having come to the conclusion in the back of my mind that I shouldn't make excuses for Sat, and that doing something for me would be a good thing and not something to feel guilty over - discussions then started on the mailing list about a mini-mid-week-meet too as the whole weekends being bad is not an uncommon situation. I have to admit that sounds perfect, having my time with the boy, still getting my ass out and meeting some people, meeting a smaller group for the first time which wouldn't be easier. It just ticks so many boxes I just sent off a reply straight away with a big "yes please".
Happy puppy. Happy to have got to the conclusions I did and even happier that maybe I can get the best of everything. Happy that things are so well with my ex that she even volunteers to be flexible about the weekends, its these things that let you know you've really managed to stay friends.
Too cool.
Morning radio and infectious diseases
I heard this song on the radio this morning and it had me laughing as I came down the road. If I ever don't make it into work it's because I've been arrested and dragged off the road by people in white coats while walking to the train station for giggling and laughing to myself at an unreasonably early hour.
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is… There are people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. That is the greatest disease ever. How did you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
God I want that. Nurse? Nurrrrrrrse?
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is… There are people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. That is the greatest disease ever. How did you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
God I want that. Nurse? Nurrrrrrrse?
Sleepless in Didcot
So its 1am and I am writing as I cannot sleep. Normally of course I'd just be tossing and turning and rolling over in bed. Well ok thats what I was doing and its pretty unsatisfactory so I am turning to my new opiate to see if it can work its miracles.
I wasn't going to write anything, was just going to just keep my eyes fixated and try and not think too much and just do it but something changed which made it harder.
I read about a social get together for link-minded people on the web. Silly me though misread the date. Thought it was Sun not Sat. How it was in the afternoon so was perfect as I could take the boy home, come back, go along, maybe make new friends and then plan something in the evening like the theatre as my little treat and end-goal to get me through the nerves of the first part. I could then fixate on the treat and try and let my subconcious worry itself sick over the first bit. This is an old trick I have for dealing with panic or fear, set something nice after the scary bit... something to look forward to as a reward. If the first bit gets bad I can just concentrate on that in the knowledge that time has a habit of passing (even if it starts to crawl really badly in awkward situations) so you will get there in the end and can wallow in the treat to help start take away the bad feelings without beating yourself up. If you are lucky, the scary thing turns out to be a good scary and suddenly the treat is just a bonus and all is great.
So I thought it was Sun. Let just enough thought to go into it to think yes, this could all work out but without overthinking it. Thought tonight I would look and read through it, maybe email them and get details. Then I saw it was sat. All matter of rude words as it felt like such a kick in the teeth. There is one thing in deciding you can't do it in the end and chickening out, there is another in finding that you just can't do it and its not your choice. So I was deflated, defeated and more than a little pissed off. That didn't last that long though. Groused at a friend who was offline knowing she'd send me a hug when she read it, that helped. Let my mind whir away doing other things while it moped. It did what it does and tends to be practical. Hate it sometimes... Grrrrr thats what you get for working with computers, sometimes that bit at the back of my head treats me like one of those "why don't you just...". Hate it when its probably right too.
I spoke to the ex. Mentioned in passing that I wouldn't be in the rush I was going to be dropping the boy off on Sun now as the thing was Sat not Sun so I couldn't go. I told her I was a little disappointed and she was incredibly sweet and told me something I knew in my head but didn't want to think about. She said she could work round me if I wanted, so I could go out, just like I have for her. I could have the boy Fri... drop him off Sat lunchtime, get him again Sunday.
This left me in such a turmoil. I know the thought was there in the back of my head being practical but its not one I was letting out. It's such a hard thought. It feels so damn selfish. I think of my boy and miss him. Not having him just so I can do something feels so wrong, there is little enough time as it is. I mean I have, once or twice cut back a little. Given him back a little early, only had him on the Sat but had him on the Fri as well instead. Went on holiday for the week on my own, but I was pretty relieved his mum took him away for 2 weeks the same time so I didn't have go on a guilt trip too.
Is it too selfish a thing to do? Putting my desire to go out above my boys time? Is instead a more rounded Dad by doing these things a better thing? Does this ultimately help the boy better in the long run? If it was something I HAD to do it'd be fine, but as its something which is purely for me, I am struggling with that and thats half my problem tonight. That kind of made it harder to do the ignoring thinking about the actual thing itself so thats burst out and is going round my head too *growl*.
Why do I want to go? I like kinky people. I find them interesting to talk to and listen to. I find them generally of above average intelligence and self-awareness. I find them often more accepting and less judgemental (we do enough of that on ourselves). I find them fun to be around in just normal day to day friendship. I find I don't have to watch myself, think which bits of me I show or what I say or how I tease, that you can just get on with being yourself as you aren't self-censoring. Its not about kink, its about the type of people that are attracted to it. Its like I like geeks too ;-). Its not sitting down talking geeky things that does it, its just chords of commonality. I have a kinky friend in r/l, and he is a great mate and is a laugh and we can be open and joke about things with each other. I feel very relaxed around him simply because I am not hiding. The more I hide the more uptight I get, the harder I find it to express myself. Its a vicious circle. I want to just be me so I can get on with it. So thats it really. I want to meet like minded people just because I want to have like-minded friends. Thats it really. Not because I want to get into anything, not because I want to explore anything, just because I like being around people that like the same sorts of things as me. It sounds kind of simple when I put it like that, so why the hangup?
Walking into a room full of strangers.
Hell I don't care if its at work, on a training course, in a wedding, anything. Walking into a room full of people I don't know, (even with someone I do know) just fills me with sheer terror at the thought, will provoke sleepless nights, will cause that tension in the back of my neck and shoulders, that tightness, the headache. The fact its a group of people that already knows each other just makes it worse. Thats what I find terrifying to the point of wanting to throw up, that makes my tummy so tight I don't want to eat. Just facing people.
Of course this is the main reason why I should do it, just because I hate it. I loathe groups, get on better with one on one, but yet of course thats not really true. I love groups, I love sitting quietly and feeling like I belong there, not needing to speak. What really happens is I just feel uncomfortable so hate it. So its not groups I hate, its feeling wrong, misplaced, the feelings of being a freak. Let me sit there quiet, give me a smile, let me listen, throw in a comment after awhile if I feel confident and have started to spot the group dynamics. Don't worry that I am there to soak up the atmosphere and relax and make the odd little amusing comment as thats me in public, doesn't say much. Listens. Maybe then you'll want to find out more.
I left the ex a year and a week ago, after her 3rd overdose. People tell me its time I went out and did stuff, met people, but its not easy, its not easy at all. Maybe thats why I sometimes put myself in the really impossible situations as they are easier to contain the overwhelming panic than simpler ones are... god keep me away from blind dates, I would die. So maybe I should do this, not just because I want to but because I need to, before I stagnate and step further into my little introspective world thats just work and the boy. Its not good work being my only social life.
Yes I crave company yet need solitude. Despite my bitch sarky comments about people, my logical exterior, my I don't really need anyone attitude.... I love them, couldn't live without them, life is pretty meaningless without them. I always have, always will, just don't know how to be with them.
I am not sure I really came to any conclusion tonight, but at least now I will sleep.
G'nite
Monday, August 21, 2006
Prison food
They are going to be the death of me. I swear it. That or I will be locked up for going postal. That sounds kind of nice actually, all the food I can eat, regular exercise, routine, being someones bitch.... Hmmmm. No, thats not the solution, they'd just breed if you did anyway and more would replace them.
Who?
Project Managers.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. God never heard anything so misnamed in this place. They don't manage projects, not like real PM's, they just hassle people trying to get their project through its milestones. Doesn't matter if its right, or works, or screws the rest of the company, just make sure they hit their targets. Where's the professionalism?
This mornings "discussions" (well I didn't shout, so that was a good thing, just on the terse edging to rude side). I did all the work. I built the boxes, filesystems, users, did it all... in under the timescales they asked. Handed it over. Two weeks later they totally change their mind as they finally spoke to the test and production people that would be using it who said "oh thats not how we do things". Thanks IT Dev... So we re-do it. Annoying but kind of the norm around here so don't make a fuss. Just say give it to me in an email, don't worry about tickets and I will do it monday, just get that new user created properly so its all official.
So Mr PM starts hassling people saying it had to be authorised. No answer, so he emails again now including the IT Ops Director in a simple user request saying its urgent! Then he phones my team leader and manager when they've already left for the day. All to get approval for a user request that could wait til the next day! It can't be urgent, I spent two weeks prior to building trying to get any answers out of them so I knew what to build. How much more proactive can you be?
Then he phones me this morning and I start to lose it... He says he is "managing" this issue. Interfering I call it. Trying to make up for their cockups. Escalation as a way of life. Why not just do it right first time and actually manage the project? Now he's been at my desk. The user doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work its not been created yet! I never said I was going to do it, I said let me know when it had been created. We do have processes you know, these things do happen all the time... But no, its all almighty urgent as his customer is chasing him. Well frankly I don't care, thats your fault for setting completely unrealistic expectations without discussing with us first. Thats your problem for not managing this. I told him point blank, interfere, you slow these things down. Our 2nd line have production things to look after... service requests will come after. So now he is off to escalate with our manager to get this done as a priority. Just like all IT Dev project managers.
Stiil. Once he's created the user I am not exactly in a hurry to change permissions so he can use it. Petty probably, but this has gone on too much.
*growls*
There thats better. I may even avoid killing the person next to me. Got to love this place. I tell someone there's a problem, offer to help them out of hours to actually finally get it sorted out after this work has gone on far too long (since last Oct).... So of course they say thanks, thats great, lets do it. Uhuh. They go off and talk to someone brainless in our team and then spend the whole morning blind leading the blind over it. Its not that I think I am brilliant or always right (I'm not, but I'm not bad at what I do and generally try to be helpful) but its just rude!
I can't remember what they say about stripes (especially prison ones) - should skinny people avoid them?
*ponders*
Who?
Project Managers.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. God never heard anything so misnamed in this place. They don't manage projects, not like real PM's, they just hassle people trying to get their project through its milestones. Doesn't matter if its right, or works, or screws the rest of the company, just make sure they hit their targets. Where's the professionalism?
This mornings "discussions" (well I didn't shout, so that was a good thing, just on the terse edging to rude side). I did all the work. I built the boxes, filesystems, users, did it all... in under the timescales they asked. Handed it over. Two weeks later they totally change their mind as they finally spoke to the test and production people that would be using it who said "oh thats not how we do things". Thanks IT Dev... So we re-do it. Annoying but kind of the norm around here so don't make a fuss. Just say give it to me in an email, don't worry about tickets and I will do it monday, just get that new user created properly so its all official.
So Mr PM starts hassling people saying it had to be authorised. No answer, so he emails again now including the IT Ops Director in a simple user request saying its urgent! Then he phones my team leader and manager when they've already left for the day. All to get approval for a user request that could wait til the next day! It can't be urgent, I spent two weeks prior to building trying to get any answers out of them so I knew what to build. How much more proactive can you be?
Then he phones me this morning and I start to lose it... He says he is "managing" this issue. Interfering I call it. Trying to make up for their cockups. Escalation as a way of life. Why not just do it right first time and actually manage the project? Now he's been at my desk. The user doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work its not been created yet! I never said I was going to do it, I said let me know when it had been created. We do have processes you know, these things do happen all the time... But no, its all almighty urgent as his customer is chasing him. Well frankly I don't care, thats your fault for setting completely unrealistic expectations without discussing with us first. Thats your problem for not managing this. I told him point blank, interfere, you slow these things down. Our 2nd line have production things to look after... service requests will come after. So now he is off to escalate with our manager to get this done as a priority. Just like all IT Dev project managers.
Stiil. Once he's created the user I am not exactly in a hurry to change permissions so he can use it. Petty probably, but this has gone on too much.
*growls*
There thats better. I may even avoid killing the person next to me. Got to love this place. I tell someone there's a problem, offer to help them out of hours to actually finally get it sorted out after this work has gone on far too long (since last Oct).... So of course they say thanks, thats great, lets do it. Uhuh. They go off and talk to someone brainless in our team and then spend the whole morning blind leading the blind over it. Its not that I think I am brilliant or always right (I'm not, but I'm not bad at what I do and generally try to be helpful) but its just rude!
I can't remember what they say about stripes (especially prison ones) - should skinny people avoid them?
*ponders*
Extremes
After my blog attack yesterday what would you think of me?
I don't just have kinky sexual fantasies,
I don't just bitch about work,
I don't just get introspective,
I don't just go on holiday.
I don't just order weird toys.
Well ok thats actually a fairly large summary of my life *wink*, but I do other stuff.
I went to the store and got 4 pints of milk,
I had a few showers,
I slept, even if kicked the hell out of,
I changed the bed and did my laundry,
I chatted on the phone,
Boy and I played with his new remote control car on the driveway and made friends with the grandkids from next door (way cool btw).
All sorts of other stuff that I didn't feel the need to write up on a page no ones ever going to read. So why? Why one and not the other.
Well. Buying the milk doesn't keep my mind too racing with thoughts to settle and sleep properly (though I admit it was a bit of a close run thing back when I was newly single and had to make the whole full fat vs semi-skimmed decision, that was a bad couple of weeks). The laundry doesn't come in the little discussions in my head while I'm out walking.
These other things do though, and its nice to make some space for some new ones. So here they've started to seep out. I made a big hole yesterday. Wonder what will fill it.
Ohhhh and remind me? Need 4 pints on the way home. Boy and I managed to get through the last one over the weekend. Thanks.
Sad reality snippet...
Now the trauma of it is over I can finally come out. Apart from wanting Imogen to win BB7 and being heart broken she had been evicted (but GOD did she look good in the final when she walked on. Why didn't they devote the whole programme to her?). Well, I wanted Glynn to win. The welsh boy. I liked Pete, glad the final was those two, but still wanted Glynn. Not sure why. Maybe its because everyone else wanted Pete. I'm like that sometimes. I just really hope Nikki doesn't screw up Pete now. That would just be such a shame. I disike her with a passion, though I pity more than anything.
Of course I have to disclaim and say I only watch BB so there is something to talk about over coffee and with the ex and as the boy insisted. Why else would we watch it.
Just thank god X Factor started the next day or I'd be wondering what to do with my life...
Pillows
I heard a story on the radio this morning. Now you can get collagen injections in the balls of your feet as extra pillows. Hmmmmm. People can do whatever they want to their own bodies as long as they pay for it and when it goes wrong my taxes don't fix it.... But personally I am squeemish to the extreme of not even wanting contact lenses. Don't you ever wonder why we were made the way we were? I mean medical correction, yes, good, great, and I am so grateful the ex had her feet and legs sorted out. It was a huge change in her life, and eventually one for the better. Tampering though? You know this will go from a way to relieve bad conditions to... a nice to have. Hmmm. Having seen some of the less fortunate collagen lip results I have to think, imagine being crippled by having that on your feet? How many things have you heard 10 years later had "unforeseen side effects"?
Think I will stick to insoles or comfy shoes thankyouverymuch.
Think I will stick to insoles or comfy shoes thankyouverymuch.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Not forgotten
No.
The post that should be here isn't forgotten. Just not ready. So many words had to come out first and somethings shouldn't be rushed...
The post that should be here isn't forgotten. Just not ready. So many words had to come out first and somethings shouldn't be rushed...
Blog hell...
Does anyone else ever start these things and either not know what to write or not know how to stop?
I seem to have had written diah-wotsit tonight. So many words going round in my head. Its like this a lot on Sunday's. I have my boy for the weekend, give him back to his mum and have the drive home when so much goes round in my head. Talking to myself (emmm that sounds bad) but that spins round and round. If I could tape that conversation my blog would never end.
Most days I am too tired to write after work, but I should.. get it out. Most Sunday's I am weary after the drive, come into the now so quiet house and apathy hits. Today I wanted to write though. Made myself write it down and get it out my head... and I feel better for it. Maybe not exactly a productive 4 hrs but my mind feels alert, relaxed, useful, thoughtful. Not a bad way to end a weekend.
Now my only worry was where do I put this? God there are so many journals. I've signed upto many of them just to see how they worked. Some to comment on friends. Originally I had thought to maybe split them, one for my nilla thoughts, work, friends, family, social stuff. One for more tangental, kinkier, sexual, darker, other stuff. Now I think I really can't be assed to make a distinction and don't think I want to. Grrrrrr I don't want to compartmentalise my life. You can see this bit, they can see that. God thats why I go nuts anyway. Its me. The me that has dark dreams and depressions is the same me that has the mushy thoughts, that gets pissed off at work, that wants to go postal, that goes quiet, that causes trouble, that likes to write kinky fantasies just coz. Its all me. One influences the other. So for now its all here. So sorry those linked on yahoo and all the others. For now its one place. Til technology makes me want to publish somewhere else, apathy stops me writing or I scare off too many friends by being a horny kinky little sod...
I seem to have had written diah-wotsit tonight. So many words going round in my head. Its like this a lot on Sunday's. I have my boy for the weekend, give him back to his mum and have the drive home when so much goes round in my head. Talking to myself (emmm that sounds bad) but that spins round and round. If I could tape that conversation my blog would never end.
Most days I am too tired to write after work, but I should.. get it out. Most Sunday's I am weary after the drive, come into the now so quiet house and apathy hits. Today I wanted to write though. Made myself write it down and get it out my head... and I feel better for it. Maybe not exactly a productive 4 hrs but my mind feels alert, relaxed, useful, thoughtful. Not a bad way to end a weekend.
Now my only worry was where do I put this? God there are so many journals. I've signed upto many of them just to see how they worked. Some to comment on friends. Originally I had thought to maybe split them, one for my nilla thoughts, work, friends, family, social stuff. One for more tangental, kinkier, sexual, darker, other stuff. Now I think I really can't be assed to make a distinction and don't think I want to. Grrrrrr I don't want to compartmentalise my life. You can see this bit, they can see that. God thats why I go nuts anyway. Its me. The me that has dark dreams and depressions is the same me that has the mushy thoughts, that gets pissed off at work, that wants to go postal, that goes quiet, that causes trouble, that likes to write kinky fantasies just coz. Its all me. One influences the other. So for now its all here. So sorry those linked on yahoo and all the others. For now its one place. Til technology makes me want to publish somewhere else, apathy stops me writing or I scare off too many friends by being a horny kinky little sod...
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