So its 1am and I am writing as I cannot sleep. Normally of course I'd just be tossing and turning and rolling over in bed. Well ok thats what I was doing and its pretty unsatisfactory so I am turning to my new opiate to see if it can work its miracles.
I wasn't going to write anything, was just going to just keep my eyes fixated and try and not think too much and just do it but something changed which made it harder.
I read about a social get together for link-minded people on the web. Silly me though misread the date. Thought it was Sun not Sat. How it was in the afternoon so was perfect as I could take the boy home, come back, go along, maybe make new friends and then plan something in the evening like the theatre as my little treat and end-goal to get me through the nerves of the first part. I could then fixate on the treat and try and let my subconcious worry itself sick over the first bit. This is an old trick I have for dealing with panic or fear, set something nice after the scary bit... something to look forward to as a reward. If the first bit gets bad I can just concentrate on that in the knowledge that time has a habit of passing (even if it starts to crawl really badly in awkward situations) so you will get there in the end and can wallow in the treat to help start take away the bad feelings without beating yourself up. If you are lucky, the scary thing turns out to be a good scary and suddenly the treat is just a bonus and all is great.
So I thought it was Sun. Let just enough thought to go into it to think yes, this could all work out but without overthinking it. Thought tonight I would look and read through it, maybe email them and get details. Then I saw it was sat. All matter of rude words as it felt like such a kick in the teeth. There is one thing in deciding you can't do it in the end and chickening out, there is another in finding that you just can't do it and its not your choice. So I was deflated, defeated and more than a little pissed off. That didn't last that long though. Groused at a friend who was offline knowing she'd send me a hug when she read it, that helped. Let my mind whir away doing other things while it moped. It did what it does and tends to be practical. Hate it sometimes... Grrrrr thats what you get for working with computers, sometimes that bit at the back of my head treats me like one of those "why don't you just...". Hate it when its probably right too.
I spoke to the ex. Mentioned in passing that I wouldn't be in the rush I was going to be dropping the boy off on Sun now as the thing was Sat not Sun so I couldn't go. I told her I was a little disappointed and she was incredibly sweet and told me something I knew in my head but didn't want to think about. She said she could work round me if I wanted, so I could go out, just like I have for her. I could have the boy Fri... drop him off Sat lunchtime, get him again Sunday.
This left me in such a turmoil. I know the thought was there in the back of my head being practical but its not one I was letting out. It's such a hard thought. It feels so damn selfish. I think of my boy and miss him. Not having him just so I can do something feels so wrong, there is little enough time as it is. I mean I have, once or twice cut back a little. Given him back a little early, only had him on the Sat but had him on the Fri as well instead. Went on holiday for the week on my own, but I was pretty relieved his mum took him away for 2 weeks the same time so I didn't have go on a guilt trip too.
Is it too selfish a thing to do? Putting my desire to go out above my boys time? Is instead a more rounded Dad by doing these things a better thing? Does this ultimately help the boy better in the long run? If it was something I HAD to do it'd be fine, but as its something which is purely for me, I am struggling with that and thats half my problem tonight. That kind of made it harder to do the ignoring thinking about the actual thing itself so thats burst out and is going round my head too *growl*.
Why do I want to go? I like kinky people. I find them interesting to talk to and listen to. I find them generally of above average intelligence and self-awareness. I find them often more accepting and less judgemental (we do enough of that on ourselves). I find them fun to be around in just normal day to day friendship. I find I don't have to watch myself, think which bits of me I show or what I say or how I tease, that you can just get on with being yourself as you aren't self-censoring. Its not about kink, its about the type of people that are attracted to it. Its like I like geeks too ;-). Its not sitting down talking geeky things that does it, its just chords of commonality. I have a kinky friend in r/l, and he is a great mate and is a laugh and we can be open and joke about things with each other. I feel very relaxed around him simply because I am not hiding. The more I hide the more uptight I get, the harder I find it to express myself. Its a vicious circle. I want to just be me so I can get on with it. So thats it really. I want to meet like minded people just because I want to have like-minded friends. Thats it really. Not because I want to get into anything, not because I want to explore anything, just because I like being around people that like the same sorts of things as me. It sounds kind of simple when I put it like that, so why the hangup?
Walking into a room full of strangers.
Hell I don't care if its at work, on a training course, in a wedding, anything. Walking into a room full of people I don't know, (even with someone I do know) just fills me with sheer terror at the thought, will provoke sleepless nights, will cause that tension in the back of my neck and shoulders, that tightness, the headache. The fact its a group of people that already knows each other just makes it worse. Thats what I find terrifying to the point of wanting to throw up, that makes my tummy so tight I don't want to eat. Just facing people.
Of course this is the main reason why I should do it, just because I hate it. I loathe groups, get on better with one on one, but yet of course thats not really true. I love groups, I love sitting quietly and feeling like I belong there, not needing to speak. What really happens is I just feel uncomfortable so hate it. So its not groups I hate, its feeling wrong, misplaced, the feelings of being a freak. Let me sit there quiet, give me a smile, let me listen, throw in a comment after awhile if I feel confident and have started to spot the group dynamics. Don't worry that I am there to soak up the atmosphere and relax and make the odd little amusing comment as thats me in public, doesn't say much. Listens. Maybe then you'll want to find out more.
I left the ex a year and a week ago, after her 3rd overdose. People tell me its time I went out and did stuff, met people, but its not easy, its not easy at all. Maybe thats why I sometimes put myself in the really impossible situations as they are easier to contain the overwhelming panic than simpler ones are... god keep me away from blind dates, I would die. So maybe I should do this, not just because I want to but because I need to, before I stagnate and step further into my little introspective world thats just work and the boy. Its not good work being my only social life.
Yes I crave company yet need solitude. Despite my bitch sarky comments about people, my logical exterior, my I don't really need anyone attitude.... I love them, couldn't live without them, life is pretty meaningless without them. I always have, always will, just don't know how to be with them.
I am not sure I really came to any conclusion tonight, but at least now I will sleep.
G'nite
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