Sometimes its a breeze...

I was thinking about the two stories I posted last night. Part 1 took... forever. In the end I just had to get it finished before I went to sleep on it again or it would have driven me mad. I'd been trying to get it into words since Saturday. The vision was there in my mind, fully formed from the very instant "caged pet" had been mentioned. Yet still, it felt nearly impossible to get it out. Part 2 took just 30mins from clicking "post" for part 1 to it being published itself.

Why the difference? Partly because of the amount of detail, how much was involved so it just took longer. A lot though was just because it was hard to write about. Both images had flashed in my mind at the same moment, each representing part of my desires. Part 1 came from that part of me that wants to be willingly used, taken, played with, to be pushed to those uncomfortable places that can be so scary. The dark shudders inside at the thought of skittling out of control at the mercy of someone's whim. Part 2 came from the side that wants to please, adore, serve. It seems very hard to pin down the former side without someone there driving it. The latter comes out naturally and is so much easier to face and express. Both strong extremes of me though.

So why am I writing this? Because yesterday showed me again what happens when the extremes in me are satisfied and a balance is reached so the right sides can come out at the right time.

It was your normal day in hell. Mr October (from the prison food post) had been winding me up for the last few days. Still dithering and asking others things which I had told him needed to be done rather than talking to me. It finally got silly when late afternoon he spent the last half hour i was there talking to the app guy about the problem... He had been told to come talk to me for help. I'd offered to work with him overnight off my own back to try and work out what was wrong during one of the outages. Instead he sits there, trying to find out from MrApp how it was supposed to work but not saying a word to me (sitting next to him).

OK so I can be abrupt at time at work... I am pretty busy, if I take time out of what I'm supposed to be doing to help (hence making me more work) it's nice at least to have people listen, but I am not that bad... and thats just plain rudeness. So I was pretty pissed off when I went home and resolved to do something the next day. Next day came and he came spoke to me, procrastination, asking to see me later. I said lets do it now and asked him to come with me. I took him to an empty office, sat him down and asked point blank what his issue was with me. He looked shocked. Well hell I was shocked. I didn't know I was going to do that til it happened. Well it was too late now... so press on. We talked. He was scared of me... as I said I can be abrupt. If people don't understand stuff I am happy to teach, to mentor... I love that. I don't expect people to know everything, but I do expect them to help themselves. I listened to his viewpoint and then firmly but I hope gently told him how I saw things. I told him how the events of the last few days had made me feel, how rude it was. I told him what I thought I had seen in how he behaved at work. I didn't hold back but kept my cool, said it calmly and made it non-personal and then went back to our desks to patiently explain the work again.

I don't know if this will help, I don't know if things will change. To be honest, I doubt it. I am proud though of how I handled it. Directly, to the point, a confrontation but one without being confrontational. This is SO not me. Normally I would bottle it up and explode quietly outside of work. Never face to face confrontation. I had another awkward meeting later in the afternoon but took control and directed it to our best advantage. Stopping it from degenerating into accusations or allowing things to lose focus. We made the project give their requirements without us being pushed into a corner. I didn't even mind working late to then write it up and draw up project plans as it felt like we were in control and not playing catchup. It was a good feeling.

This is what I mean about satisfying the extremes. With those balanced I could go into those situations and be assertive when I needed to, open and compassionate yet not a walkover when it called for it. I didn't avoid the confrontation, I didn't just rollover and agree. I didn't let my eagerness to please let me get boxed into things we would regret. It was a good day *smile*.

Just a shame after another productive day we could get stabbed in the back from someone in our own team. Some people make it so difficult. This time discretion was the better part of valour and as it was nearly hometime I just left. I am not a saint :).