Sunday blues

I'm feeling kind of "eh" tonight. A little lonely. A little lost.

I'm home from my parents and from dropping my boy off at his mums. I took my son down there to play with my niece (who is still over from the USA) and apart from when he was being a little sod they had a great time. So I know it's a mixture of things:

I don't feel well (sore throat, achey, hot, probably down to coming back to a rather wetter and cooler climate as well as sharing all those lovely germs). Thats a big (probably biggest) contributing factor as it's always harder to be positive when you are feeling "eh".

The quietness after being around people all weekend.

I am missing having Scarlett around a lot, thats tue, but whilst I miss her thats not really contributing to it. I know she is close to me even though I can't hold her. I mean don't get me wrong, I so wish she was here to cuddle on and laugh with and there is an ache where she is absent but there is a sort of promise there that I know it's an unfinished story and there are more chapters to come. I may not know when it will happen, but it will... and I so look forward to them.

The biggest thing preying on my mind at the moment though is a conversation with my landlady last night. We had a falling out some time ago and we haven't really spoken since. I will hold my hand up. I lashed out at something. I didn't handle it well. Whilst I don't think that changes that I had a point, the way I reacted was bad and because I kept my mouth shut to avoid confrontation and let it bug at me til it came out badly. Very much a sign of the "old me" and how I try not to do things now. Letting it fester til it explodse. So, I am not proud of the situation even if I think the reason it bothered me was valid.

It's been bugging at me for awhile now as we haven't really spoken since. I know she's been avoiding me online as well as just general life things keeping her away. I don't like bad feeling like that lingering around. Well. We talked last night and it was uncomfortable. It's hard to read things online sometimes but the implication definitely felt that she saw me as being overstretched, overtired, overemotional, tetchy, oversensitive. That I had stretched myself too far with the trip to the USA and got myself worked up into a state and that was why I was like I was so she had avoided me til after it.

We talked a little. I told her I love her, which I do. We may butt heads occasionally but she has always meant the world to me and I do love her even if we bug the hell out of each other. It was quite tense though. She said she didn't like that side of me, didn't know it was there and didn't want to see it again. I said I reacted badly but I thought I had a point. That's by the by though. The uncomfortableness has left me unsettled. The distance between us, especially that she felt she had to avoid me for so long. The worry that it's a distance too far and I have lost something precious that can't be remade. Also... also... this is hard to explain. The feeling that I was being told just why I was wrong really rattled me. The whole thing of, you were having a tantrum because you were stressed because of this, that, the other... having someone whose opinion matters to me classifying me into a box of "avoid because unstable" it hurts a lot. It digs back to a lot of past things I think, especially Dad and my teachers dismissing me like that of... "oh its just because he...". Almost like you aren't really there and get talked about over your head. So the initial thing is it puts my back up and then, then after that settles... it eats at me. It makes me doubt myself. When I think I have been doing so well. Making so many small changes, progress, doing things that would never have been possible before... it leaves me just seeing the black things. The negative. The things I find so hard. All the times I struggle. All the bad feelings, the anxiousness, worry, stress, I can see all those so clearly at the moment it bites. All those positives are just a lot harder to see at the moment, overwhelmed by someones view (or my perception of someones view, maybe thats more accurate) of me.

So, caught between two things. A plumetting self-confidence knowing the feeling of someone being hurt and angry at me when their feelings and opinion of me matter a lot, the feeling they see me as someone who is just depressed, stressed, uptight. Then the feeling of a strained relationship and aware of it nagging there in the background.

I think... Well I know that this and feeling generally yuk are what have wrapped up with everything else to make me feel especially "bleh" suddenly tonight.

What to do then? What to do. Not mope, no. Not sit and suffer and hurt myself. No. Action is what is required. The first thing was to get on and do things. So I tidied round the house. Put away the clothes that had been left out prior to my holiday. Put the luggage away. Tidied up my toys. It's not perfect. To be honest the clothes are kinda just stuffed away and I will have to go back and tidy the drawers another time, but they are away and the bedrooms are clear. The kitchen is clear. Everything is at least away and that made a difference. Then sit down, write it out, tie it here in paper and leave it here. Pin the bad feelings in a place that I won't dwell on them and can move away from them. Finally, finally once I've written this and am in a more peaceful place I will email her. I am not sure what I will say, but I will say something and we will hopefully both find ways to move past this. I mean, if we didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt so much would it?

So I hope this didn't sound sorry for myself, it isn't meant to be, nor an accusation. Just a working out, out loud so I can face things a little more clearly and get on. I do feel a bit better for it already.