Recognising changes

The previous post was straightforward and practical so I wanted to make a record of how I handled it inside, in relation to my normal oddities and foibles and stressedness. I got there very out of breath as I had got stuck in traffic and it was a bloody long walk from the hospital entrance to the clinic! Nothing like rushing to take your mind off things. I wasn't actually really nervous. It's kinda odd, more things I learn about my anxiety. If I know what I am doing and why then the fact I don't know exactly how things work is quite managable and less stressful as I am focussed on it.

This is however a big change to how I used to be as I used to worry myself sick before interviews, appointments, would I make a fool of myself and sound stupid. Would I not know where to go or what to do. Why was I going. Lots of stupid things like that. Now though, there is some intertia to get over but I know there is nothing really to be scared of. I can ask questions. I can talk. I can make small talk occasionally with staff. I can push myself and handle these simple practical situations. I may need to make more of an effort than some people who just take it in their stride but just like flying to the other side of the world, break things down into little steps and then you don't get so overanxious or stressed. Get there. Go in. Do this. Do that. Keep focus. It really does work and I know its a huge change from how I was a few years ago. It opens up the possibility I can do this more and more and learn to relax more when doing things with other people too and the tension that comes up then. It's not about other people doing this naturally, its about the change in me and the gains I have made and the fact it opens new doors (which are hard too when I start with them). I was tense at times in New York trying to make sure Scarlett had a good time and she had to tell me to relax. Realistically though, some time before that and I would never have been able to go to meet her. Some time before that I would have had panics about going to see the counsellor... let alone telling a doctor that I liked SM. So, signs of the change and promise of what can come.

The first receptionist was busy so I had to go to the other one who (of course) was young, blonde, cute with a gorgeous outfit on and lovely long hair. I don't *think* I blushed too badly. I didn't stammer thats for sure. I did have a smile to myself as I watched various of the very pretty young nurses and admin staff wander in and out counting the number of them that had very nice little heeled boots. Well. It was a long wait, I had to keep myself busy.