Tonight

Today was a trying day. I had headache all day, after the highs of the weekend it was a bump back to earth. The world seemed a better place and yet no one seemed to have told it that so the normal gripes and groans were there. Oh and that headache, the one that makes you want to drill out your skull

It was not a happy boy that came home from work tonight. Normally I would have sulked and wallowed, griped around the empty house. Tonight though that didn't seem an option. Well it was, just not one I could take. It's amazing what perspective it gives when you start thinking seriously about someone else and not yourself. No longer god how awful I am but instead, I know I can't run away, I can't hide, I have to work at being everything I can be. I have to take care of myself.

For too long I've made promises to myself I'd get help. I've had the highs and then I've beat myself up in the low's that always follow, cycled round and around never quite knowing what to think, doubting myself. I've seriously thought that this was just how I am, stop griping, nothings ever going to change. I've felt like a freak. I've cried in the middle of the night too many times to remember. An abusive marriage is not a reason to decide you deserve these things. A privilaged position is not a reason to decide you have no reason to be unhappy.

Tonight I didn't go round those normal circles. Didn't just go to bed to sleep it off. Tonight I finally picked up the phone and asked for help. In the next day or two they will put me in touch with a local counsellor and I can make an appointment. I am honestly relieved I finally asked for help, so amazed it always seemed such an insummountable task to ask... grateful for how friendly and understanding they were. They will cover five sessions, after that its upto me.

I am relieved yet scared. Now its upto what I make of it. Friends have encouraged and supported me to make this step and truthfully, I think mostly given up I would ever do it, now it's what I make of it.

Please don't let me close off and do the "i'm ok" thing. I need to move beyond these cycles. I need to be honest. Yes, I am scared. What am I scared of most? Hope

Everything changes, everything stays the same.