Anxiety, honesty, growth, challenges

I am a work in progress. I admit that. Definitely not near the end goal, very rough around some edges.... raw and exposed in many others as I've tried to change and learn from the past.

People seem to have seen potential in me and in some ways thats almost harder than when things were hopeless. When people see potential in you. When they seem to think you are something special it sets you up to fail. It is so much easier when you can sit quietly and loathe yourself and not have to consider things might be different. Easier, but futile.

In some ways, the further I come the more uncertain things seem. Sometimes it feels like you are just setting yourself up for a bigger fall. Things hurt more. Maybe the time will come when you will find actually you were right and everyone who thought you were special was wrong. That's the great lie of the depressed spirit. Always waiting for "reality" (or your twisted form of it) to set in.

I am not being down in writing that. Just trying to be realistic and honest about how the dark side of me can feel. The things it whispers in the harder times. Trying to face it directly and thereby take away the power it has in the corner of my mind.

My trip to the USA has given me a lot to think about. A lot to be honest with myself about. A lot to hope for with the future. A knowledge that things don't just happen but you have to work at them. A realism about my part in all this and the role I play in keep changing things for the better.

It's hard to write about, because writing about the things which are difficult feels like a betrayal of those I was with. Maybe I should have said something, maybe I should have done things differently. The reality is though no, it's not about them, it's about me. It's about my perceptions of the world around me, how they are skewed, how they are bent by everything in my past and how I am trying to untangle them. How (sometimes through sheer effort of will) I will push through them and things will get better and as they get better they will become easier and new challenges will emerge.

Thats (as a side note) one of the hardest things about change. You don't really see it in yourself. You see the new things which are challenging you, you don't see the ones which now you do and take for granted and don't think about. Thank heavens for friends who can be a mirror and point out that 3 months ago that was impossible, now you just do it.

So back to being honest without being hurtful at myself or critical, but just saying "this was hard... it will get easier with time".

The first half of my trip to the USA was with a lovely couple in PA. I knew MsSilvie but didn't know her bf. That was kind of scary for me. Staying with a couple in their house and only knowing one of them. I struggled with the fact that I would be disrupting their schedule, the feeling that I was putting them out. This I know is very one sided and in reality they looked forward to the chance to get a break from what was going on in their lives too. I knew this in my head and so despite those niggles of putting someone out, I went. This is a big step for me. Overriding those feelings of being a nuisance or getting in the way and doing things because I wanted to and I knew my friend wanted to.

Making that decision doesn't take away the feelings though. That comes with time. By doing it. Doing it again and reconfirming yes, you are wanted and welcome. Ms Silvie is one of the most hospitable people I know, so I know it was a pleasure for her. I could see it was a pleasure for her. Being there was definitely another chip in the iceberg inside that says "people put up with you because they are nice". Its a slow process, its a painful process, but my friends are patient.

Last year when I went to Thunder I was basically doing it by sheer force of will. Turning up at Jolies hoping I wasn't disrupting her life too much. Concentrating almost bullheadedly of "I will get to Thunder so I can say I have done it" almost ignoring the bit before hand, staying with someone that invited me. This year with Ms SIlvie it was definitely... I am going to go see my friend as I want to see her, she wants to see me. Anxious... yes... but at least this year not having to play diversion games with myself to stop myself completely panicking.

This is progress. Slow progress, yes, but progress. Yes, it was still uncomfortable but I could do it. The panic was there, but I could look it in the eye better.

Whilst I was there.... I spent a fair chunk of time pretty anxious. There were times when I was so uptight I had to force myself to breathe and relax and let it out. To focus myself. To remind myself why I was there, why I had come, why I wanted to be there. I really did want to be there... and I hated that anxiety in me that took away that pleasure. Its very frustrating, and I can't afford to get angry with myself about it. This is a process, learning to deal with my anxiety issues and overcome them. It's not going to happen overnight and I need to go through it the long way.

So, I tried to be honest about it. There were one or two panicked moments when I thought "why am I here, I can't do this again". But there were only a couple of those, which isn't a bad change from before. I kept reminding myself how much I had changed from before, that not only was I there but I actually wanted to be there, visiting my friends. I actually wanted to be around people and was making it happen. Kay reminded me it took a lot of courage to face all these things and make them happen, not just sit at home and whinge that I was alone.... to overcome some of these fears. I kept focussing on the fact relationships take work. That I was in a strange place, in someones home, that no matter how well you might know someone online being in their home is different. That it took time to get comfortable with someone, so it wasn't all just because of how I am with people. That to make it good I had to try.... so I had to talk, push myself, not just go " can't do this, I am not good enough" but had to open myself up and learn to be with them, to find how I fitted.

One of the hard things was Ms SIlvie's partner had been laid off recently and there were HR issues with his old company so I know this was a stressful time for them. When you only know half the couple it's hard to get the vibe from them. How much are you putting them out. How much is general background stress. How much is because of the situations going at home. There were some times when I could feel the tension in the air, maybe I just imagine it, and so I had to remind myself over and over that this wasn't due to me being there. Not easy though... as my learned reaction is still to think I am the problem. More unlearning to do.

That was difficult at times. The couple thing. At other times it was really nice though, especially seeing how well they fitted together. I have fond memories of sitting in Tria listening to them enthuse about beer and food and thinking wow, these people fit so well together. It was lovely. Really beautiful.

There were so very many wonderful moments that just made me think "this is right" and I stopped worrying and being nervous and just enjoyed myself completely.

Sitting with the mutt helping shave off his fur.
Sitting back and watching MST3K and giggling like idiots. Absolutely wonderful company time with both of them.
Going to walk the dog with Ms Silvie and getting chance to actually talk alone and not hold back because she was just a dear friend and a fellow kinkster so the conversation could roam anywhere.
Going out to the pet store and just loving to listen to Ms Silvie espouse about fish fish and more fish with the passion and knowledge she has. Plus the ferrets were cute.
Driving around with them, just loving the beautiful countryside and the way the buildings blend into the landscape rather than stand out.
The ball game and giggling at the so cute and funny things between the innings. That was a nice time out for all of us. I did get a bit uptight because of the affectionate pats I got when MsSilvie's bf was getting them on the other side. That again is me. Taking too much onto myself as to what is going to cause tension and arguments (god I am so much like my mum). Wanting to keep the peace at all costs even if it means losing out myself. Again, I had to make a conscious decision... this was what she was comfortable in being like between us and so therefore it was not my issue if it caused any tension later. I liked her being affectionate with us. I wanted it. I loved it in fact, so I just had to assume she knew her bf wasn't going to have a problem with it. Again though... one of the things I need to work on, so I really can enjoy these moments without that awful tension creeping in first. Let other people make their own choices.
Going to Baltimore, being tourists and then just relaxing and bumming around the bookstore. Magical.
I really treasured the fact that when we got back from Baltimore Ms Silvie needed a nap and then I got to spend quality time with her bf, just chatting the two of us. That was so much fun. Sometimes it's easier getting to know someone one on one than it is when they are in a couple and trying to be a good host. I can't begin to say how much that evening means to me, it made me feel so much more comfortable and gave me a huge confidence boost. Plus, it was just fun.
I totally loved our little shop browsing trip into town, wandering around the little store with period things. Going out for lunch together and then sitting sipping and tasting beers for hours. That really was a magical time. Perfect. Just perfect.

With that background of anxiety I don't want it to sound like I didn't have a wonderful time. I did. I don't want to pretend to myself it was all roses though. There were things which I found a lot harder than they should be, and I want to work on myself to make them easier. To make it easier on myself so I can enjoy my life more. Things to learn. Things to unlearn. Things to treasure. Things to take confidence from. To stop automatically assuming I am not good enough... not smart enough... don't know enough.

It was a good time. I can just learn to make it a better time next time.

Thanks my friend, for inviting over this neurotic english wuss and putting up with his foibles. I loved it and have grown from it. Love ya.