Being content

Wednesday, when I landed from the USA, I left the airport and went on driving and went to see Kay. We had spoken on the phone about my being collared and she said she was happy for me as she knew it was something I needed, but I wanted to see her and make sure no bad thoughts festered about "its because I am not enough". I know how that feel's as I've done it enough myself and this time round I want to make everything work as well as it can and that means investing in my relationships. The best way of showing someone that things will work is by showing them, not talking to them. So I wanted to see her, even if it was an uncomfortable meeting and even if it was a bit awkward to start with. Hiding away from it and putting it off would not have helped at all.

So I went, a little nervously and the reality of it (as is often the case) was nothing like I had worried about. Its often so the things we say in our heads than the reality of facing them head on. I walked in and we just fitted naturally and I felt like I belonged their too. It was as simple as that.

We didn't talk about it much, we just chatted about the holiday, things that had happened for Kay and her kids and just carried on.

I feel so much less conflicted now. I can see now I was tearing myself in two, half living as if i was Scarlett's pet but not actually being it. In the process of that I was also holding back from Kay and not giving her all I could and wanted to. I was confused and I mixed up everyone else.

I said to Kay on Wednesday that she is my girlfriend, and she is. That's the first time I've been able to say that to her. I've always dithered, qualified it in less scary words like "my companion". Now though. Now I feel like I've stopped having to choose between people and can just get on with loving them as I do. I've stopped feeling like I have to try and make something fit everything and that if it wasn't there that I had to just go "thats not for me". Now, now I just see possibilities. Things I can cherish for what they are, not hurt for what they are not.

I feel content.

I have my Owner. I have my girlfriend. Hmmm, maybe I need a boyfriend next ;-).

They are family.