Running, hiding, stopping, collaring

Written on the plane (pt 2)

I have been very guilty of driving everyone completely nuts I am sure while I lied to myself about what I really wanted. Partly it was from a feeling that I couldn't go back in time, after so things had changed that I couldn't revisit safe, comfortable places. That I would be trying to relive the past from a time which had had their moment and had gone and that I shouldn't cling onto what was behind us. Partly I didn't think she would want me that way... that long distance things belonged to a time when it was all we could have and now it might have no attraction for her now that we both didn't have those limitations. That I knew if I was closer things would be different, but things from such a distance would just be a reminder to us both what we weren't local and so it would just hurt us both. Partly, I wanted her to have a friend and not complicate things after all that had happened, so she could feel loved and wanted but not pressured. Partly, largely, I was scared to admit to myself how I felt and face the intensity of it and have to live with it, have to face the implications of it. That I thought I was valiantly trying to be good and brave and not rub in either of our faces things which would just stir up things up and cause wistfulness of "if only if" and complications in our other relationships and just be friends.

So, I dithered, I exasperated I am sure, pushing at her a little, teasing and then pulling back. Sending very mixed signals and quietly torturing myself while I pretended to myself that I could love her but not be hers. Feeling somewhere in a limbo where in my heart I had never let her go from the first time we were together. Where I acted like I was hers but I wasn't and I couldn't bring myself to ask to be hers again and I pretended to myself it didn't matter.

Then, I met her in person. I went thinking that maybe once reality set in I would have more perspective. Maybe I would be less consumed internally about her. Be able to settle down to having a beloved friend and say I love you without feeling that rush of emotion inside. I met her though and it proved to be totally real. It wasn't desperation or insecurity or clinging on or a fantasy. I just love her. In so many ways when we had to part before I couldn't really let go. I stepped back, yes, as she needed to for family reasons . I built up walls so that I could be the friend she needed to support her. I learnt to hold back somewhat. To push feelings down, but my feelings never really changed. I tried to do and be what everyone needed so she didn't feel badly about things that had happened as they were totally out of her control and I was so proud of how she handled it. That she stuck by our promises of putting our immediate families first. I was, and am, so very very proud of how we remade ourselves as friends, of the depth of our relationship and our adaptability and how we didnt pout or cling on but got on with being friends.

I hid those feelings from myself though in the hope it didn't hurt either of us as much and so I could carry on growing into myself as I knew she wanted and as I knew I needed to. I couldn't ever really give her up though, just kept it somewhere boxed up inside. We both said that part of me was always hers. That was my way of holding onto that bit I couldn't let go of. It would have been so wrong for both of us to try and go back to how we were, to be collared again back then. We needed to move forward, to grow our lives. I met Kay from ALT. Not replacing that which was lost but something new and something I couldn't have had before I had been with Scarlett. Something I didn't want to lose either but that I didn't know how I could fit all these pieces together, so living in quiet denial. I guess I hoped that if I kept my feelings for Scarlett in a little box marked "I love her but things changed" it would eventually become true and I would feel like just a friend as I should now.

Then I met her, and it didn't go away. I went goofy and hyper and shy and mushy and I didn't care and I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want to be different around her. It started to dawn on me that I couldn't stop loving her and make it all simple, not without running away and closing down on her and on sex and BDSM and all my feelings. She is inside me.

The final straw was meeting LadyA from ALT with her. I couldn't stop giggling and I didn't care. I couldnt run away and I couldnt stay pretending that I didn't have this inside. I was hurting myself and probably her and probably others by being inconsistent. I have always felt like hers but had been too scared to ask in case I hurt myself. In case she didn't want it. In case it couldn't work like this now so far apart. It would make me face my polyamorous nature head on and rather than flirt with it, to know it appealed in my head.. then I would have to live it and make it work in reality. Living in limbo though, acting like I was hers but not being brave enough to accept the consequences was so wrong of me though and just a bit tragic and overdramatic.

So I asked, could I have her collar. Quietly over coffee in a cafe. Looking at her hands as I couldn't look up in her face, not sure whether to say anything. Sitting there looking at her and bumping around in my seat and eventually blurting out and saying I understood if she said no but I had to ask or I would so regret it. I knew she might say no but I had to stop hiding how I felt or what I wanted.

She didn't though. She said yes. I barely heard her I was too busy trying to still prattle on and get all the words out before I stopped again.

It's not that I want more from her or for her to suddenly start acting like a "Mistress" towards me and for me to be more subby towards her. It's just that I am hers. Honest truth? I have no idea how or if this will change how we are together, if she will want to be firmer with me, more controlling or if things will just carry on as they always have been and we will let it out when I go visit her. She may push me. She may not. She may set rules and limits. She may not. It doesn't matter in the long run. What will be will be. This isn't about what we do, it's about what we are. Asking for her collar was simply admitting to her what was always there that I was hers and that I knew this and I accepted and wanted this and I placed myself in her hands and that was that, however things happened.

Distance? Well it goes both ways and I know its hard for her too, so we will find our way. My fears, insecurities, worries need to take a backseat now though. I have made my commitment and I love her.

This will affect my other relationships I am sure, but I think in the end they will all be better. A less self torturing pup is a happier one and has more to give. I will keep learning from her example to love all those in my life as I can for who they are.

I am really looking forward to seeing Kay now because she is Kay. I feel differently about her than I do about Scarlett but thats ok as she isn't Scarlett and they aren't replacements for each other, or someone to fill in the gap. I love both differently and thats why I want... why I need both of them.

I need my Owner. I need my companion. I need my friends and maybe I need other playmates too. Yes, its so different to how I was brought up and something I've known inside I've been attracted to and wanted for so long but emotionally it's hard to learn how to do. Wasn't sure I could do.

So a new chapter. Not a repeat of what we had before but a wholy new and different one. Now we've met in real life and both of us came together as very different people than we were before with a lot changed in our lives. It feels like a circle joined. We met. Our paths took turns away from each other for awhile whilst we remade our lives as individuals away from our ex's and now we've remet. Somewhere new and different and exciting and very very special. I guess I better start getting used to asking for things again and get more disciplined at journalling ;-).

Still, somethings never change. We didn't work out a contract as to what was involved last time either.... Guess half the excitement is in discovering it together ;-). I trust her because she loves me too. Oh and she likes me. Oh and I like her too. My Ma`am. My Owner.