Weddings

Tomorrow is my sisters wedding. I've been fairly ambivalent about this because well... it's a family social function which is generally shall we say less than the optimum of stress free experiences.

I was rather shocked when my sister announced she was getting married. She has been with her boyfriend for 24years. She has been engaged for 22years. She has two kids with him. It's always been a source of distress for her though that they weren't married. She always wanted it (especially because she knows my mum disapproved early on of them living together unmarried or hum hummed and made them sleep in seperate rooms when they came to visit, pre-the-kids). It always stressed her she never married. It always made her feel... less... I think than the other two of us who did marry (even though mine ended after ten years). I think it was that little girl dream of being married and committed and happily ever after. It's been bothering her more recently as the kids grew older and adults started noticing her surname didn't match theirs. She didn't want to just change her name... and her bf knew this was bothering her and so he finally said, lets go ahead with it.

I could understand that, for practical reasons. Even if society has moved on about unmarried parents it bothered her and made her feel less of a family. Not my reasons, but I could understand it. She said initially, a small registry office wedding followed by dinner afterwards. This felt good to me. Family only, no friends. Intimate. Unfussy. Well Un-weddingly actually but appealing to my sentiments of being a confirmation of previous commitments rather than any flashy showoff or ultimately for the guests.

Of course it grew. I thought feature creep was bad in software development but it has nothing on wedding plans! The first step was the registrar telling my sister that she had to make sure she had a nice wedding dress if she wanted one as you only get married for the first time once (yes... she did say the first time once). Enjoy it, make the most of it. So, the plan of a nice gown which she could wear again to a ball apparently transformed into a white wedding dress. The dinner for family into a more formal reception. Little little things being added so my sister stressing more. If you think i am a panicker, you should meet my sister!

I spoke to her on Saturday and she was stressing a bit about how she would have time to do it all, how she would manage to get the table decorations done as she had to do it the day before her wedding, etc, etc. I told her to stop worrying about all the details, all the other people and that everything was perfect for them and to stop putting pressure on herself or she wouldn't enjoy it as she would have too many expectations, too many things she was worrying about for other people, when no one else mattered apart from them. I hope she really does try and relax and enjoy the time for her and stop trying to make it perfect!

I am very excited though because Kay's coming with me for the first time. I know this was hard for my ex and for my son to begin with but it was what I wanted. This is my family, my families occasion. Not my ex's family even if she gets on with them. I know my boy found it hard to begin with that his Mum wasn't coming but that I was inviting Kay... but... I want Kay there for me. I want Kay to keep me company. I want Kay there so it will be fun for me. I want Kay there so I can show her off to my family as she is my girlfriend. I want her there just so I get to see her for a little bit.

So, for both Kay and for my sister as its her special occasion I made the effort tonight and will put on a tie and put on the suit jacket despite grumbling upto now saying I'd probably just stick to a smart shirt and trousers. I hope it goes well, and it'll be nice to be a smart pup for once for both of them.

Hey it might actually be fun :)

How much does a collar weigh?

When I asked for my collar (and for some reason I don't really think of it as having it back, it's different this time so in some ways as we are different people, its a new collar for a new time in a new way) I knew that it wasn't just a light and fluffy "oh I'm hers isn't this nice" kind of thing. I know it means responsibility. Yes it means care for me, being treasured, loved, protected, looked after but it's a two way thing and I know that asking for it means responsibility on my side. All the nice stuff. Looking after her. Looking out for her. Adoring her and stuff and helping her out. Protecting her. Yeah that kinda happens anyway though because, well I love her.

No, what it adds most on my side I think is the responsibility for what it means to be hers - which is dealing with things which keep me away from her. Physically. Emotionally. Looking after myself in what I eat, how I am, when I am ill. Dealing with things I struggle with and facing them and trying to get past them and not running away. Being honest. Not hiding things. Working on them. Of course the advantage is I have my friend on my side and I know she loves me foibles and all and in the end she wants me to be happier because its good for me. So uncomfortable it maybe but I can be honest and she will be honest back with the hard truths and I can trust what she says.

So I feel that again. Responsibility for how I am. That I am accountable for my actions and my behaviour and what I do. It reflects on her and also it affects how much she gets to enjoy me. I want to be a happy, balanced, responsible pup so she can enjoy me and not worry or be distracted. That she may point out things which distract her from enjoying me and will expect me to deal with them as best I can.

*smiles* thats a funny thing. The weight of a collar. I guess I like having a puppy collar for that reason, it's thick, it has a certain heft to it. It has prescence. I am not trying to make it sound like a burden, it's not. But it's not just happy airy feelings and the weight of the collar makes me feel the seriousness of the descision made. Makes me feel the permamence of it. It also reminds me of the strength of the bond and the promise behind it and the security it provides.

Hmmm no this is not the blog I intended to write, it just kinda happened by itself. Weird huh?

Yay me!

It's always bugged me that the shower head dribbled at the connection and also it was too limescaled up. So I just replaced it and found that it had two washers in it not one so it wasn't making a tight fit. So our water pressure still sucks but at least now we have a nice new shiny shower head which is all unblocked and doesnt dribble! I love my showers!

Recognising changes

The previous post was straightforward and practical so I wanted to make a record of how I handled it inside, in relation to my normal oddities and foibles and stressedness. I got there very out of breath as I had got stuck in traffic and it was a bloody long walk from the hospital entrance to the clinic! Nothing like rushing to take your mind off things. I wasn't actually really nervous. It's kinda odd, more things I learn about my anxiety. If I know what I am doing and why then the fact I don't know exactly how things work is quite managable and less stressful as I am focussed on it.

This is however a big change to how I used to be as I used to worry myself sick before interviews, appointments, would I make a fool of myself and sound stupid. Would I not know where to go or what to do. Why was I going. Lots of stupid things like that. Now though, there is some intertia to get over but I know there is nothing really to be scared of. I can ask questions. I can talk. I can make small talk occasionally with staff. I can push myself and handle these simple practical situations. I may need to make more of an effort than some people who just take it in their stride but just like flying to the other side of the world, break things down into little steps and then you don't get so overanxious or stressed. Get there. Go in. Do this. Do that. Keep focus. It really does work and I know its a huge change from how I was a few years ago. It opens up the possibility I can do this more and more and learn to relax more when doing things with other people too and the tension that comes up then. It's not about other people doing this naturally, its about the change in me and the gains I have made and the fact it opens new doors (which are hard too when I start with them). I was tense at times in New York trying to make sure Scarlett had a good time and she had to tell me to relax. Realistically though, some time before that and I would never have been able to go to meet her. Some time before that I would have had panics about going to see the counsellor... let alone telling a doctor that I liked SM. So, signs of the change and promise of what can come.

The first receptionist was busy so I had to go to the other one who (of course) was young, blonde, cute with a gorgeous outfit on and lovely long hair. I don't *think* I blushed too badly. I didn't stammer thats for sure. I did have a smile to myself as I watched various of the very pretty young nurses and admin staff wander in and out counting the number of them that had very nice little heeled boots. Well. It was a long wait, I had to keep myself busy.

Sexual Health Checkups

I wasn't going to write anything publically about going for a sexual healthcheck but after having been through the experience I decided it might benefit those who had thought "oh I should" but not been too sure or been too nervous about going or otherwise found excuses not to.

The clinic I went to in the UK is attached to a major hospital so you have to walk all the way through the hospital to get to it, but once there it felt private and very much different than the rest of the hospital. It was more modern, better laid out, much more like a doctor's surgery than one of the normal specialist areas in a hospital. Those who have been in a UK hospital will know what I mean - there is a certain "functionality" of the design and decor over style. Not that it's not clean... its just designed to serve a purpose and be maintainable rather than feel comfortable. This was much more like an office waiting room. The receptionists were friendly. The reception designed nicely so that even though it was open on their side for them to talk between each other, on our side it was divided by barriers to give you privacy from anyone else that was speaking to another receptionist. Whilst some of the receptionists were young they were very friendly and efficient, asking if it was my first time and asking me to fill in a registration form and wait.

And wait. And wait. My appointment was at 10.45 and I didn't get called until 11.30. I kept hearing other people that get called that weren't actually in the waiting room so I assumed there must be a second waiting room actually inside the clinic. It was big enough though that people could sit discretely away from each other if they wanted, whilst they did the nervous and I need a pee and why haven't I been called yet bum shuffle.

They called my name. Well called my name twice as I ignored it the first time as it disappeared into that general buzz that you get from loudspeaker announcements and told me the room to go to. This and the long wait were my only real nervousness about the whole experience and I don't think I was the only one. Everyone waiting kinda looked at each other going "what did they say?" when the voice came over the speakers. I guess one of those shared nerves things, I may drop them a note to mention it as I don't think I was the only one and they have obviously gone to a lot of effort to make people feel at ease. When I did hear my name I went off to the room mentioned and knocked on the door and went in. It was a nice older lady doctor waiting. The room was really well laid out with the examing table at the far end of the room and her seated by a table just as you came in, with your chair just by the door, 90 degrees to her. I don't know if this was intentional but it worked very well. None of that long walk across the room to the doctor which can be intimidating or having them directly opposite you and peering over a table at you. I suspect actually that they have spent some time thinking about this.

She started asking a few simple questions but was very conversational then stopped herself and said she should explain about the unit. It was completely independent in its records. It had its own lab for smear and urine samples. Blood samples would be sent off to the main lab but would be coded anonymously by an internal patient number. No reports would be released to your local doctor or anyone else. She stressed the confidentiality of it and that they saw themselves as a service. She explained what they could test for. That the process would involve a discussion of why I was there followed by a urethral swab, a physical check of testical, penis, etc, for any swelling or infection and then the urine sample. The swab and sample would be processed immediately for initial results and then final results would come back on the longer term tests. They could offer a blood test if I wanted for syphillis and HIV for completeness. She explained the meanings of the results, the time period it takes for HIV to come out so when you would need a retest if it was something you were worried about.

This was all very reassuring and again, kind of different to the experience I have had with doctors before who have always been kind of rushed with consultations and got onto the practical buts without taking time to explain.

So we sat and asked about my past history and it was all very straightforward. Most recent partner, activities. Details of any other partners in the last six months. Any symptoms. Any other concerns. She wasn't rushed but quite happy to discuss things and happy to admit I didn't quite fit in any of their standard categories of which tests to perform. I mentioned I was involved in BDSM relationships. She took this quite easily in her stride except I had to explain what the B and D were as she hadn't heard that before... so from then on I just refered to it as S&M to save repeating that. She mentioned they offered Hep B immunisation as it was often was easier than at a local GP who tends to ask lots of questions why. We talked about it and agreed it would be a good idea because of the possibility of coming into contact with it at play parties. She gave me a piece of paper with the things they could test for and when the results would be available and also an indication of how treatment would proceed if any were found positive.

Then the physical exam, she drew the curtains around the examining table so that if anyone walked in it was screened from the door. Told me to lower my trousers and underwear. First a check of my testicles whilst I stood up. A few pokes and prods and her saying it might be uncomfortable and asking if it hurt anywhere. Then laying back on the table (do you know how hard it is to climb up onto an examining table with your trousers round your ankles?) and her examining again and around my penis and foreskin. It actually wasn't at all embarrasing and she said immediately she didn't see any problems. Then the urethral swab. A little stick with a swab on the end pushed a little way into the urethra. She said to look at the ceiling and it would feel mildly uncomfortable and sting but would pass quickly. I didn't have the heart to tell her I've used a sound. I was impressed though that as always she explained what was going on.

Then she led me to the bathroom. Gave me the cup to pee in and said pee to the given line and then the rest down the toilet. Leave the cup in the little hatch in the wall to be collected, go and sit in the second waiting room and wait to be called. Again, clear instructions.

More waiting and then called by first name to the nurses room. Sit up on the bed and first blood from one arm and then the Hep B in the other arm. The nurse was nice and went and got a vaccination booklet and filled in the date and gave me a leaflet about possibly side effects, etc. I asked what next so she looked to see I hadn't got my results and told me to go wait back in the waiting room.

After more waiting. Called again by the first doctor. This time she made sure she spoke my name clearly as I had said I had struggled to hear it the first time. She told me straight away all was fine. She asked how I wanted the results, to either call and get them or to get an anonymous text. I said by text and she filled it in on a slip of paper for me to hand over to reception. She handed me another piece of paper explaining about the text service and that it would either say "All is clear" or "Phone the clinic on xxxx" and that it would be in ten days time. Very efficient. I asked when the next Hep B was needed (as they have different schedules depending on if you are at risk) and she looked and saw the nurse hadnt said, so she ticked the box for a nurses appointment one month later.

She told me to hand over the slip of paper to reception when I left but to go wait one more time as the health advisor would see me before I left. So go wait again. Called to a different room, a different lady. Very friendly. This room laid out obviously as an education room with samples of condoms and things for those that needed them as well as penis models to teach people how to use them. Less medical looking and just casual chairs facing into the centre of the room. She explained that they always saw someone on a first visit to make sure they understood what was going on and what it meant. I thought this was a great approach even though things were fairly straight forward with me. She went through my notes. Repeated what had been done and why. What happened next. Asked if I had any questions. She made comment about the Hep B and I explained why, that I was involved in SM situations even if at the edge. She agreed it was a wise precaution. Again, no hint of judgement. We talked about the possible implications of bisexuality and spread of HIV. She asked me what the biggest risks would of being involved with men in an SM situation. I gave my thoughts and she agreed that they showed a reasonable awareness and reiterated the needs for care. She didn't lecture though and she seemed to fully respect the fact I said I was there because I wanted to be responsible for my sex life. She told me they had a booklet specifically for men involved in SM with other men, just in case that did occor, did I want it as they didn't keep it on display. I said sure and she spent a good ten mins off trying to find it before deciding that they must have run out and not reordered. She looked quite annoyed about that as she said it was really good. She obviously really did care about trying to spread information on the subjects at hand and she mentioned about the internet, etc, as a good resource instead. I was very impressed with her open and practical attitude, promoting awareness even if it was on the fringe of what you might experience just in case things went further.

Then I left. Handed in my slip and made the appointment for the Hep B stage 2 and wandered off. All in all it took about 2 hrs, so half hour over the original "90 mins" they told you to plan for but it was a very straightforward, routine and well organised experience. The staff were professional but still managed to be friendly and not keep that aloofness which you sometimes see in the medical profession. This made things a lot less stressful and I am very glad I did it.

I didn't expect there to be anything wrong and am glad to be proved right but I am also very glad I took the responsibility for myself and those I am with to find out for sure. I don't really know how I can say "I love you" to both of my very much beloved and adored partners without trying my best to take care of them.

Heaven is..

being able to pee when you want to!

Ahhhhhhhhh bliss!!!

Wrapping up

Just got my cellphone bill emailed in. It was high, I knew it would be, but not absurd. Calls back to the UK to check on the boy and Mum and Nan and Kay. Calls in the USA to arrange things with sae and MzA or chase where our power was. I kinda split it between my work phone and home phone so I knew it wouldn't be silly, and also, I was quite prepared for it.

The nice thing is it comes in under the amount of the deposit, so its money I've already factored in. I will go chase Jewel to see whether she was happy with the state of the apartment. Last credit card bill came in too (hehe nice to come home to) so basically everything will be paid off by midmonth and then I can start planning again :D

It's so great when a plan comes together. Kinda like thats everything from this trip all wrapped up and it all worked out fine with the amount of overtime I had planned, so I could spoil Scarlett rotten and she would know it was all taken care of and not feel like she was putting on me. Lol, of course I am not promising next time will be as extravegant, hehe but lets face it... I only got to meet her for the first time once so it deserved to be a special time.

God is a sadist

And I have proof.

I have a hospital appointment this morning and so am not allowed to pee until then. For the last hour or so I've laid in bed listening to the rain splash down over the back roof of the house.

What more proof do you what that he is a sadist than that???

Sunday blues

I'm feeling kind of "eh" tonight. A little lonely. A little lost.

I'm home from my parents and from dropping my boy off at his mums. I took my son down there to play with my niece (who is still over from the USA) and apart from when he was being a little sod they had a great time. So I know it's a mixture of things:

I don't feel well (sore throat, achey, hot, probably down to coming back to a rather wetter and cooler climate as well as sharing all those lovely germs). Thats a big (probably biggest) contributing factor as it's always harder to be positive when you are feeling "eh".

The quietness after being around people all weekend.

I am missing having Scarlett around a lot, thats tue, but whilst I miss her thats not really contributing to it. I know she is close to me even though I can't hold her. I mean don't get me wrong, I so wish she was here to cuddle on and laugh with and there is an ache where she is absent but there is a sort of promise there that I know it's an unfinished story and there are more chapters to come. I may not know when it will happen, but it will... and I so look forward to them.

The biggest thing preying on my mind at the moment though is a conversation with my landlady last night. We had a falling out some time ago and we haven't really spoken since. I will hold my hand up. I lashed out at something. I didn't handle it well. Whilst I don't think that changes that I had a point, the way I reacted was bad and because I kept my mouth shut to avoid confrontation and let it bug at me til it came out badly. Very much a sign of the "old me" and how I try not to do things now. Letting it fester til it explodse. So, I am not proud of the situation even if I think the reason it bothered me was valid.

It's been bugging at me for awhile now as we haven't really spoken since. I know she's been avoiding me online as well as just general life things keeping her away. I don't like bad feeling like that lingering around. Well. We talked last night and it was uncomfortable. It's hard to read things online sometimes but the implication definitely felt that she saw me as being overstretched, overtired, overemotional, tetchy, oversensitive. That I had stretched myself too far with the trip to the USA and got myself worked up into a state and that was why I was like I was so she had avoided me til after it.

We talked a little. I told her I love her, which I do. We may butt heads occasionally but she has always meant the world to me and I do love her even if we bug the hell out of each other. It was quite tense though. She said she didn't like that side of me, didn't know it was there and didn't want to see it again. I said I reacted badly but I thought I had a point. That's by the by though. The uncomfortableness has left me unsettled. The distance between us, especially that she felt she had to avoid me for so long. The worry that it's a distance too far and I have lost something precious that can't be remade. Also... also... this is hard to explain. The feeling that I was being told just why I was wrong really rattled me. The whole thing of, you were having a tantrum because you were stressed because of this, that, the other... having someone whose opinion matters to me classifying me into a box of "avoid because unstable" it hurts a lot. It digs back to a lot of past things I think, especially Dad and my teachers dismissing me like that of... "oh its just because he...". Almost like you aren't really there and get talked about over your head. So the initial thing is it puts my back up and then, then after that settles... it eats at me. It makes me doubt myself. When I think I have been doing so well. Making so many small changes, progress, doing things that would never have been possible before... it leaves me just seeing the black things. The negative. The things I find so hard. All the times I struggle. All the bad feelings, the anxiousness, worry, stress, I can see all those so clearly at the moment it bites. All those positives are just a lot harder to see at the moment, overwhelmed by someones view (or my perception of someones view, maybe thats more accurate) of me.

So, caught between two things. A plumetting self-confidence knowing the feeling of someone being hurt and angry at me when their feelings and opinion of me matter a lot, the feeling they see me as someone who is just depressed, stressed, uptight. Then the feeling of a strained relationship and aware of it nagging there in the background.

I think... Well I know that this and feeling generally yuk are what have wrapped up with everything else to make me feel especially "bleh" suddenly tonight.

What to do then? What to do. Not mope, no. Not sit and suffer and hurt myself. No. Action is what is required. The first thing was to get on and do things. So I tidied round the house. Put away the clothes that had been left out prior to my holiday. Put the luggage away. Tidied up my toys. It's not perfect. To be honest the clothes are kinda just stuffed away and I will have to go back and tidy the drawers another time, but they are away and the bedrooms are clear. The kitchen is clear. Everything is at least away and that made a difference. Then sit down, write it out, tie it here in paper and leave it here. Pin the bad feelings in a place that I won't dwell on them and can move away from them. Finally, finally once I've written this and am in a more peaceful place I will email her. I am not sure what I will say, but I will say something and we will hopefully both find ways to move past this. I mean, if we didn't care so much it wouldn't hurt so much would it?

So I hope this didn't sound sorry for myself, it isn't meant to be, nor an accusation. Just a working out, out loud so I can face things a little more clearly and get on. I do feel a bit better for it already.

Anxiety, honesty, growth, challenges

I am a work in progress. I admit that. Definitely not near the end goal, very rough around some edges.... raw and exposed in many others as I've tried to change and learn from the past.

People seem to have seen potential in me and in some ways thats almost harder than when things were hopeless. When people see potential in you. When they seem to think you are something special it sets you up to fail. It is so much easier when you can sit quietly and loathe yourself and not have to consider things might be different. Easier, but futile.

In some ways, the further I come the more uncertain things seem. Sometimes it feels like you are just setting yourself up for a bigger fall. Things hurt more. Maybe the time will come when you will find actually you were right and everyone who thought you were special was wrong. That's the great lie of the depressed spirit. Always waiting for "reality" (or your twisted form of it) to set in.

I am not being down in writing that. Just trying to be realistic and honest about how the dark side of me can feel. The things it whispers in the harder times. Trying to face it directly and thereby take away the power it has in the corner of my mind.

My trip to the USA has given me a lot to think about. A lot to be honest with myself about. A lot to hope for with the future. A knowledge that things don't just happen but you have to work at them. A realism about my part in all this and the role I play in keep changing things for the better.

It's hard to write about, because writing about the things which are difficult feels like a betrayal of those I was with. Maybe I should have said something, maybe I should have done things differently. The reality is though no, it's not about them, it's about me. It's about my perceptions of the world around me, how they are skewed, how they are bent by everything in my past and how I am trying to untangle them. How (sometimes through sheer effort of will) I will push through them and things will get better and as they get better they will become easier and new challenges will emerge.

Thats (as a side note) one of the hardest things about change. You don't really see it in yourself. You see the new things which are challenging you, you don't see the ones which now you do and take for granted and don't think about. Thank heavens for friends who can be a mirror and point out that 3 months ago that was impossible, now you just do it.

So back to being honest without being hurtful at myself or critical, but just saying "this was hard... it will get easier with time".

The first half of my trip to the USA was with a lovely couple in PA. I knew MsSilvie but didn't know her bf. That was kind of scary for me. Staying with a couple in their house and only knowing one of them. I struggled with the fact that I would be disrupting their schedule, the feeling that I was putting them out. This I know is very one sided and in reality they looked forward to the chance to get a break from what was going on in their lives too. I knew this in my head and so despite those niggles of putting someone out, I went. This is a big step for me. Overriding those feelings of being a nuisance or getting in the way and doing things because I wanted to and I knew my friend wanted to.

Making that decision doesn't take away the feelings though. That comes with time. By doing it. Doing it again and reconfirming yes, you are wanted and welcome. Ms Silvie is one of the most hospitable people I know, so I know it was a pleasure for her. I could see it was a pleasure for her. Being there was definitely another chip in the iceberg inside that says "people put up with you because they are nice". Its a slow process, its a painful process, but my friends are patient.

Last year when I went to Thunder I was basically doing it by sheer force of will. Turning up at Jolies hoping I wasn't disrupting her life too much. Concentrating almost bullheadedly of "I will get to Thunder so I can say I have done it" almost ignoring the bit before hand, staying with someone that invited me. This year with Ms SIlvie it was definitely... I am going to go see my friend as I want to see her, she wants to see me. Anxious... yes... but at least this year not having to play diversion games with myself to stop myself completely panicking.

This is progress. Slow progress, yes, but progress. Yes, it was still uncomfortable but I could do it. The panic was there, but I could look it in the eye better.

Whilst I was there.... I spent a fair chunk of time pretty anxious. There were times when I was so uptight I had to force myself to breathe and relax and let it out. To focus myself. To remind myself why I was there, why I had come, why I wanted to be there. I really did want to be there... and I hated that anxiety in me that took away that pleasure. Its very frustrating, and I can't afford to get angry with myself about it. This is a process, learning to deal with my anxiety issues and overcome them. It's not going to happen overnight and I need to go through it the long way.

So, I tried to be honest about it. There were one or two panicked moments when I thought "why am I here, I can't do this again". But there were only a couple of those, which isn't a bad change from before. I kept reminding myself how much I had changed from before, that not only was I there but I actually wanted to be there, visiting my friends. I actually wanted to be around people and was making it happen. Kay reminded me it took a lot of courage to face all these things and make them happen, not just sit at home and whinge that I was alone.... to overcome some of these fears. I kept focussing on the fact relationships take work. That I was in a strange place, in someones home, that no matter how well you might know someone online being in their home is different. That it took time to get comfortable with someone, so it wasn't all just because of how I am with people. That to make it good I had to try.... so I had to talk, push myself, not just go " can't do this, I am not good enough" but had to open myself up and learn to be with them, to find how I fitted.

One of the hard things was Ms SIlvie's partner had been laid off recently and there were HR issues with his old company so I know this was a stressful time for them. When you only know half the couple it's hard to get the vibe from them. How much are you putting them out. How much is general background stress. How much is because of the situations going at home. There were some times when I could feel the tension in the air, maybe I just imagine it, and so I had to remind myself over and over that this wasn't due to me being there. Not easy though... as my learned reaction is still to think I am the problem. More unlearning to do.

That was difficult at times. The couple thing. At other times it was really nice though, especially seeing how well they fitted together. I have fond memories of sitting in Tria listening to them enthuse about beer and food and thinking wow, these people fit so well together. It was lovely. Really beautiful.

There were so very many wonderful moments that just made me think "this is right" and I stopped worrying and being nervous and just enjoyed myself completely.

Sitting with the mutt helping shave off his fur.
Sitting back and watching MST3K and giggling like idiots. Absolutely wonderful company time with both of them.
Going to walk the dog with Ms Silvie and getting chance to actually talk alone and not hold back because she was just a dear friend and a fellow kinkster so the conversation could roam anywhere.
Going out to the pet store and just loving to listen to Ms Silvie espouse about fish fish and more fish with the passion and knowledge she has. Plus the ferrets were cute.
Driving around with them, just loving the beautiful countryside and the way the buildings blend into the landscape rather than stand out.
The ball game and giggling at the so cute and funny things between the innings. That was a nice time out for all of us. I did get a bit uptight because of the affectionate pats I got when MsSilvie's bf was getting them on the other side. That again is me. Taking too much onto myself as to what is going to cause tension and arguments (god I am so much like my mum). Wanting to keep the peace at all costs even if it means losing out myself. Again, I had to make a conscious decision... this was what she was comfortable in being like between us and so therefore it was not my issue if it caused any tension later. I liked her being affectionate with us. I wanted it. I loved it in fact, so I just had to assume she knew her bf wasn't going to have a problem with it. Again though... one of the things I need to work on, so I really can enjoy these moments without that awful tension creeping in first. Let other people make their own choices.
Going to Baltimore, being tourists and then just relaxing and bumming around the bookstore. Magical.
I really treasured the fact that when we got back from Baltimore Ms Silvie needed a nap and then I got to spend quality time with her bf, just chatting the two of us. That was so much fun. Sometimes it's easier getting to know someone one on one than it is when they are in a couple and trying to be a good host. I can't begin to say how much that evening means to me, it made me feel so much more comfortable and gave me a huge confidence boost. Plus, it was just fun.
I totally loved our little shop browsing trip into town, wandering around the little store with period things. Going out for lunch together and then sitting sipping and tasting beers for hours. That really was a magical time. Perfect. Just perfect.

With that background of anxiety I don't want it to sound like I didn't have a wonderful time. I did. I don't want to pretend to myself it was all roses though. There were things which I found a lot harder than they should be, and I want to work on myself to make them easier. To make it easier on myself so I can enjoy my life more. Things to learn. Things to unlearn. Things to treasure. Things to take confidence from. To stop automatically assuming I am not good enough... not smart enough... don't know enough.

It was a good time. I can just learn to make it a better time next time.

Thanks my friend, for inviting over this neurotic english wuss and putting up with his foibles. I loved it and have grown from it. Love ya.

Being content

Wednesday, when I landed from the USA, I left the airport and went on driving and went to see Kay. We had spoken on the phone about my being collared and she said she was happy for me as she knew it was something I needed, but I wanted to see her and make sure no bad thoughts festered about "its because I am not enough". I know how that feel's as I've done it enough myself and this time round I want to make everything work as well as it can and that means investing in my relationships. The best way of showing someone that things will work is by showing them, not talking to them. So I wanted to see her, even if it was an uncomfortable meeting and even if it was a bit awkward to start with. Hiding away from it and putting it off would not have helped at all.

So I went, a little nervously and the reality of it (as is often the case) was nothing like I had worried about. Its often so the things we say in our heads than the reality of facing them head on. I walked in and we just fitted naturally and I felt like I belonged their too. It was as simple as that.

We didn't talk about it much, we just chatted about the holiday, things that had happened for Kay and her kids and just carried on.

I feel so much less conflicted now. I can see now I was tearing myself in two, half living as if i was Scarlett's pet but not actually being it. In the process of that I was also holding back from Kay and not giving her all I could and wanted to. I was confused and I mixed up everyone else.

I said to Kay on Wednesday that she is my girlfriend, and she is. That's the first time I've been able to say that to her. I've always dithered, qualified it in less scary words like "my companion". Now though. Now I feel like I've stopped having to choose between people and can just get on with loving them as I do. I've stopped feeling like I have to try and make something fit everything and that if it wasn't there that I had to just go "thats not for me". Now, now I just see possibilities. Things I can cherish for what they are, not hurt for what they are not.

I feel content.

I have my Owner. I have my girlfriend. Hmmm, maybe I need a boyfriend next ;-).

They are family.

Holiday disclaimer

I used to love the end credits of Xena and Hercules, with the mock disclaimer which changed each episode. So, in memory of those fine fine educational problems (they taught me all I know about mythology...)


No glass jars or cinema displays or respitory tracts were harmed during the making of my holiday in America.

One condiment lid was slightly rattled in the process but we are assured that it will make a full recovery with appropriate therapy.


(yes, this is a set of very big injokes).

Happy memories of New York

Written on the plane (pt 3)


I think the highlight for me of New York, excluding the company of course, was standing in the street for four hours watching the gay pride parade with a million other people. I enjoyed our tourist trips, seeing places, looking after Scarlett, seeing the Lion King and having some lovely food but going to the parade was something really defining for me. Well, what I can remember of it as I was a bit spacey a lot of the time as someone was happily torturing me as we watched.

Five years ago if you hard told me I would be standing in New York, watching a gay pride parade whilst puddling against a friend I had met online and was with for the first time, standing in a thunderstorm getting soaked... I would have laughed at you. It shows how much I have relaxed, how much my attitudes have changed, how much more accepting I am and I think a nicer person.

However I still think my ass is better than most of those in the parade ;-). Even weirder, for a shy little me who hated his body so much back then - I could see myself strutting in heels and not much else, walking down that road one day too.

Running, hiding, stopping, collaring

Written on the plane (pt 2)

I have been very guilty of driving everyone completely nuts I am sure while I lied to myself about what I really wanted. Partly it was from a feeling that I couldn't go back in time, after so things had changed that I couldn't revisit safe, comfortable places. That I would be trying to relive the past from a time which had had their moment and had gone and that I shouldn't cling onto what was behind us. Partly I didn't think she would want me that way... that long distance things belonged to a time when it was all we could have and now it might have no attraction for her now that we both didn't have those limitations. That I knew if I was closer things would be different, but things from such a distance would just be a reminder to us both what we weren't local and so it would just hurt us both. Partly, I wanted her to have a friend and not complicate things after all that had happened, so she could feel loved and wanted but not pressured. Partly, largely, I was scared to admit to myself how I felt and face the intensity of it and have to live with it, have to face the implications of it. That I thought I was valiantly trying to be good and brave and not rub in either of our faces things which would just stir up things up and cause wistfulness of "if only if" and complications in our other relationships and just be friends.

So, I dithered, I exasperated I am sure, pushing at her a little, teasing and then pulling back. Sending very mixed signals and quietly torturing myself while I pretended to myself that I could love her but not be hers. Feeling somewhere in a limbo where in my heart I had never let her go from the first time we were together. Where I acted like I was hers but I wasn't and I couldn't bring myself to ask to be hers again and I pretended to myself it didn't matter.

Then, I met her in person. I went thinking that maybe once reality set in I would have more perspective. Maybe I would be less consumed internally about her. Be able to settle down to having a beloved friend and say I love you without feeling that rush of emotion inside. I met her though and it proved to be totally real. It wasn't desperation or insecurity or clinging on or a fantasy. I just love her. In so many ways when we had to part before I couldn't really let go. I stepped back, yes, as she needed to for family reasons . I built up walls so that I could be the friend she needed to support her. I learnt to hold back somewhat. To push feelings down, but my feelings never really changed. I tried to do and be what everyone needed so she didn't feel badly about things that had happened as they were totally out of her control and I was so proud of how she handled it. That she stuck by our promises of putting our immediate families first. I was, and am, so very very proud of how we remade ourselves as friends, of the depth of our relationship and our adaptability and how we didnt pout or cling on but got on with being friends.

I hid those feelings from myself though in the hope it didn't hurt either of us as much and so I could carry on growing into myself as I knew she wanted and as I knew I needed to. I couldn't ever really give her up though, just kept it somewhere boxed up inside. We both said that part of me was always hers. That was my way of holding onto that bit I couldn't let go of. It would have been so wrong for both of us to try and go back to how we were, to be collared again back then. We needed to move forward, to grow our lives. I met Kay from ALT. Not replacing that which was lost but something new and something I couldn't have had before I had been with Scarlett. Something I didn't want to lose either but that I didn't know how I could fit all these pieces together, so living in quiet denial. I guess I hoped that if I kept my feelings for Scarlett in a little box marked "I love her but things changed" it would eventually become true and I would feel like just a friend as I should now.

Then I met her, and it didn't go away. I went goofy and hyper and shy and mushy and I didn't care and I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want to be different around her. It started to dawn on me that I couldn't stop loving her and make it all simple, not without running away and closing down on her and on sex and BDSM and all my feelings. She is inside me.

The final straw was meeting LadyA from ALT with her. I couldn't stop giggling and I didn't care. I couldnt run away and I couldnt stay pretending that I didn't have this inside. I was hurting myself and probably her and probably others by being inconsistent. I have always felt like hers but had been too scared to ask in case I hurt myself. In case she didn't want it. In case it couldn't work like this now so far apart. It would make me face my polyamorous nature head on and rather than flirt with it, to know it appealed in my head.. then I would have to live it and make it work in reality. Living in limbo though, acting like I was hers but not being brave enough to accept the consequences was so wrong of me though and just a bit tragic and overdramatic.

So I asked, could I have her collar. Quietly over coffee in a cafe. Looking at her hands as I couldn't look up in her face, not sure whether to say anything. Sitting there looking at her and bumping around in my seat and eventually blurting out and saying I understood if she said no but I had to ask or I would so regret it. I knew she might say no but I had to stop hiding how I felt or what I wanted.

She didn't though. She said yes. I barely heard her I was too busy trying to still prattle on and get all the words out before I stopped again.

It's not that I want more from her or for her to suddenly start acting like a "Mistress" towards me and for me to be more subby towards her. It's just that I am hers. Honest truth? I have no idea how or if this will change how we are together, if she will want to be firmer with me, more controlling or if things will just carry on as they always have been and we will let it out when I go visit her. She may push me. She may not. She may set rules and limits. She may not. It doesn't matter in the long run. What will be will be. This isn't about what we do, it's about what we are. Asking for her collar was simply admitting to her what was always there that I was hers and that I knew this and I accepted and wanted this and I placed myself in her hands and that was that, however things happened.

Distance? Well it goes both ways and I know its hard for her too, so we will find our way. My fears, insecurities, worries need to take a backseat now though. I have made my commitment and I love her.

This will affect my other relationships I am sure, but I think in the end they will all be better. A less self torturing pup is a happier one and has more to give. I will keep learning from her example to love all those in my life as I can for who they are.

I am really looking forward to seeing Kay now because she is Kay. I feel differently about her than I do about Scarlett but thats ok as she isn't Scarlett and they aren't replacements for each other, or someone to fill in the gap. I love both differently and thats why I want... why I need both of them.

I need my Owner. I need my companion. I need my friends and maybe I need other playmates too. Yes, its so different to how I was brought up and something I've known inside I've been attracted to and wanted for so long but emotionally it's hard to learn how to do. Wasn't sure I could do.

So a new chapter. Not a repeat of what we had before but a wholy new and different one. Now we've met in real life and both of us came together as very different people than we were before with a lot changed in our lives. It feels like a circle joined. We met. Our paths took turns away from each other for awhile whilst we remade our lives as individuals away from our ex's and now we've remet. Somewhere new and different and exciting and very very special. I guess I better start getting used to asking for things again and get more disciplined at journalling ;-).

Still, somethings never change. We didn't work out a contract as to what was involved last time either.... Guess half the excitement is in discovering it together ;-). I trust her because she loves me too. Oh and she likes me. Oh and I like her too. My Ma`am. My Owner.

Back from vacation

Written on the plane (pt 1)
I am sitting on the plane back to the UK writing (yes, with a pen and paper as my laptop has very little charge) after two most incredible weeks away. It feels like a blur to be honest and it's hard to hang onto any real individual details. I am sure they will come back to me with time.

I know though I am a very fortunate pup who somehow has managed to gain some spectacular friends. Two oh so very different holidays in one. The breathtaking hospitality and friendship of MsSilvie. A truly beautiful soul who opened her home and her life and made me welcome. A smart lady with a quick wit and a warm heart. She showed me some beautiful places and we had some wonderfully relaxing times and lovely chats when I was more than a little nervous of invading her home, displacing her dog and her boyfriend and of my impending first meeting with Scarlett.

A week with Scarlett and a feeling of coming home and being where I belonged. The hustle and bustle of New York being just a backdrop to the confirming of a treasured relationship. I will write more about both trips in time, but for now deepest heartfelt thanks to two very different but lovely women.

Family updates

OK, some days just leave you spinning with too much happening.

First, from yesterday, my boy wasn't too well so he stayed with my parents. It was easiest. He really wasn't in a good state to travel. He actually begged me to make sure there were no traffic jams on the way home, the poor thing. Thats so not like him, even with a little headache he will normally just curl up and sleep in the car. So we agreed he would stay the night since he wouldn't be at school and then my ex could come get him tonight. I really didn't like leaving him there with him not feeling well.

I phoned this morning to see how he was and found out from Mum that they had found out this morning that Nan had had a fall and she was on her way to hospital. A long story later, with my brother taking my mum down (and dropping my boy off on the way) and the outcome is she has a broken femur. They were going to pin it but then they realised that she has a blood condition so now they are going to put her in traction for a bit while they see how that goes, to stop the bones grinding.

This was not the day to be sitting around doing nothing and watching a vendor do installations! I wanted to be busy! But, on the plus side (from a work point of view) I did manage to fix a lot of things for the expensive vendor consultant we had paid to come in and do this...

On the plus plus side... the quicker he gets the install done, the quicker I can get back to real work.

The boy is back home, but still poorly, so not going to school. Nan is in hospital so at least, for a bit, she is getting the care she needs.

Feeling too old?

I have been reminded of the film Logan's Run recently. You know, where people get to a certain age and then are eliminated from society. Apparently this is now happening on social networking sites.

The following was given as one explanation as to why one particular site had deleted a “huge number of accounts” recently. “You are over 36 years old”.

“We understand that only a minority of older users are sex offenders, but you must understand that we cannot tell which”, it says in it's explanation of the deletion.

I am not quite sure which I find more worrying. That I may find myself terminated first from the internet (and then the way this government is going, from life) or that a switch went off in my head last December and apparently I may become a sex offender at any minute.

I will be eyeing up suspiciously from now on all those with profiles listing they are in their 40's...

Humbling thoughts

I was thinking about a friend this week, one I had been lucky enough to be in a situation to help out. I made the comment, idly, that this sort of thing wasn't a big deal to me because I knew (that if it was me in the position) they would help me out. It doesn't matter what the situation is, I know they would help.

On the way to the train yesterday morning it suddenly struck me that this was a pretty amazing thing and wasn't just an idle "oh don't worry about it". I started thinking about some of the friends I have made over the last few years, and how different that was to before.

When my wife and I seperated the only place I could go was to my parents. There was no one else around that I knew that would take me in in that sudden disaster scenario. I was basically so isolated that I was lucky I even had them.

Now. Now though. If I needed help. If I needed somewhere to stay, someone to look after me, somewhere to hide then.... I can just start listing people that would offer me a couch for a day, a week, as long as I needed. It might be difficult. It might not be very practical, but I know they wouldn't think twice. Some of the oldest friends from online Alexis, SR, Kath, , Christine, Denise, Karen, Cat. Those just roll off the tongue instantly and I know all would do whatever they could. Then newer friends. Kay, Tracy, Grey, Carrie. More I haven't listed. That's kinda a wow thing to go from nothing to all those people that would put themselves out for me. So, yes, I need to work on having people around me that would support me who aren't half way round the world.... since the nearest of those is 100 miles. But ummm, that's quite an incredible change in a few years, isn it?

I feel kinda humble.

Family affairs

Down at my parents again. My brother (who lives in Arizona) is over for 6 weeks with my niece and my boy absolutely totally adores them. They arrived on Tuesday and my boy was so over-excited when I asked him if he wanted to come down that I knew it was the right choice.

Currently they are sitting playing cards quietly, but I know it won't last! They have done that excited to see each other thing so I am sure there will be ahem differences coming up soon as they are both only children and quite bossy. My boy just hasn't quite realised yet that being bossy most of the time is even better when you let a few selective women be bossy to you...

It's nice, hearing him play in the background. I really do miss him in the week or when I don't have him, but it's nice hearing him play around the house, having fun with someone else and not feeling like he has to spend time at weekends just with me. It's nice him feeling like "oh I have to go see dad" but feeling like it's just part of his week. I like that a lot. I don't think we've done too badly at all.

I am glad we came down, not just for my boy. Mum was so tense when we arrived. My Nan isn't too well, she is having trouble walking and she has been phoning Mum a lot. She says she has a numb leg and pains but we know she has got herself in a bit of a panic too because someone in one of the bungalows behind hers died at the beginning of the week. Mum is stressed though because she feels trapped in the middle. My uncle has just gone over there (after his finishde his night shift) but until then this morning my Nan phoned my aunt to see if she would pop over, just to give her some company for a bit. Nan now thinks this is all in punishment for agreeing to handing over her finances to my family. First the pain. Then my aunt says she couldnt pop in last night to check up on her as she was "working. Then this morning that they had gone to a party and she had been drinking so couldn't drive... and she has also told her in the week "I can't afford to pop in much now because petrol is too expensive". Poor Nan, so trapped and not understanding whats going on and feeling punished. Poor Mum, feeling trapped and caught in between when things had been sorting themselves out. Hopefully, having both kids aroud here will mean she will get out the house and not sit around waiting for the phone to ring and not being able to relax at all.

Not backward at being forward...

A friend of mine uttered today what has to be the most confident statement of someone about their sexual attractiveness, ever!

"I'd do me.... Oh, in fact, I do!"

Learning the hard way

I like to think that whilst I am dumb enough to make mistakes, I am smart enough to learn from them.

It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.

So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.

Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.

Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.

Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.

Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.

I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.

So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.

I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.

Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.

I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.

So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.

I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.

A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P

Perfect timing

Timing can be everything.

In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.

It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.

So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.

This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.

Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.

I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).

So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.

So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.

I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.

So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.

This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.

Growl, Fidget, Bark

First, my apologies to anyone I have been irritable or short with the last few days. I don't make a good patient. Not a patient patient, as it were.

Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?

Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.

I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.

*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*

Caveman dating

To intersperse with something more fun... I was on the beach the other day, taking K and her daughter for a walk because I really needed to get away and relax for a moment. We had completely not ended up where we intended to 'cos it had taken too long and we were just clambering on a rocky stony beach instead and I was being very proud because I had managed to climb up one of the groynes so I I wasn't any less fit than an overweight 10 year old. Very chuffed with myself even though I didn't know how I was going to get down.

Anyway, K and her daughter started skimming stones across the water. Now normally I would have avoided joining in as I've always been very self-conscious about how awkward I look, but I joined in and giggled and made a fool of myself quite happily (I am gaining a talent for that ;-). I think it's the first time I've skimmed stones... Finally, finally, after a competition of trying to knock down beer cans of rocks (which somehow I managed to end up being the one who kept having to put them up, and I am still SURE I was cheated out of victory), I thought I would do one last stone... try and beat 5 skips. So I picked up the perfect stone. Weighed it in my hand. Balanced it. Stepped back. Took aim. Pulled my arm back to curve it. Promptly let fly about 90 degree's early (premature throwing) and nearly brained a cute blonde walking down the beach with her bf.


Sigh I CLAIM I was resorting to caveman tactics of trying to knock her out to drag her back to my cave, but that didn't really wash. I just curled up bent over in embarrassment and got the giggles and tried unsuccessfully to hide behind K. I don't think they were English as they didn't say anything when we walked past them on the way out. Of course they may have just been nervously watching me in case I tried for a repeat performance...

It just proves, once again, the safest place to be when I throw things is where I am aiming at...

Family betrayals

While I was down here though my parents wanted to sit me down and talk to me about my Nan. Dad had been abrupt on the phone the night before as he had to keep the line clear and told me he would explain when I got down here. I was kind of worried, to be honest. Nan is 87, blind and barely mobile and suffers panic attacks so I was making up all sorts of possibilities.

I can hear Nan on the phone to Mum at the moment in the background to be honest, and they are reassuring her that everything is ok as she is having a panic attack. I am taking Mum down to stay with her a few days on the way home, so the timing has turned out well.

The basic story is (and I don't think there is anyway to state it except factually, as you would start getting bitter if you really thought about it) my Aunt (who is the most local to Nan) was charged with her basic care and finances. Nan is very wary of strangers so wouldn't allow a paid cared assistant so my aunt received the care allowance for shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc, and making sure that bills, etc, were paid. After Nan's phone was suddenly disconnected a whole mess has been revealed which Mum and Dad have been dealing with for the last couple of weeks. Utility bills unpaid for several years and all of them either in the hands of debt collectors or about to have a forcible disconnection. My Aunt having apparently taken the pension for who knows how many years and paid barely a penny out.

The temptation is, of course, to go after my Aunt. If financially my parents weren't in a position to try and get Nan out of this then they would have no choice. They can though, and I am pretty proud of them despite how angry they have been about this (Mum hasn't really slept in the last couple of weeks) they have stepped back from the desire for retribution and thought about what's best for my Nan. They know it would kill Nan if she knew quite the scope of what's happened, how much she was betrayed. She would hide away terrified for fear of the trouble she had caused. I also know... that anger would have hidden a certain (misplaced) guilt that they did not push things earlier, did not dig deeper. So (can you tell practicality runs in my family) instead they have thought about what Nan needs and have taken over all the organisation and financial responsibility, even though they have to do it from a distance. My aunt is talking of slinking off and frankly I don't care what happens to her as long as she keeps out of our lives and our affairs. I've been helping Mum and Dad setup all the utility bills for online billing, so they don't have to worry about how they will get the bills.

There has been talk that maybe my Aunt has a gambling problem. I don't know. It has been nothing but lies as long as I can remember so I not even going to think about it. Rare as it is for me, I have no sympathy and no empathy. This is pure exploitation of someone that was helpless and depended on her. Her own Mother. I am beyond disgusted, I am not even bitter. To me, I count myself less one relative and will have no qualms completely ignoring her if I ever had the misfortune to encounter her again.

Restful weekends...

So much to catch up on. So I am sitting at Mum's (for the bank holiday weekend) in a pink fluffy dressing gown and doing to do some catch up. I want to point out it is NOT my pink fluffy dressing gown, it's Mum's, despite what anyone else may say about me, I'm not into pink! It just doesn't match my skin tone ;-).

My car had to have her first service this weekend (poor baby) as she is nearly a year old and I've already hit the 12500 miles. I work her so hard, poor thing, you always suspected me to be a hard, cruel task master, didn't you? The garage is half way between my house and Mum's so I thought it was a good chance to come down here and be spoiled for a few days. Well be spoiled, fix Mum's PC, fix Dad's PC, fix Mum's email, write a spreadsheet for dad, give them advice, buy mum a new mouse, download and install some new mini games for Mum, show Mum how to play DVD's on her laptop, load some music for Dad, demonstrate the Wii Fit for them...

Ahhhh now you see why I am going 5000 miles away for my summer holidays ;-).

Secret to Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Plumbing the depths

My parents' town is going to be one of the first to be receiving high speed 100Mbit broadband in the UK. That'd be pretty neat to have and is using the novel approach of running fibre through the sewers to save laying new pipes, etc.

Now, my parents have quite a habit of calling me when things go wrong with their PC or their internet... but I ummm think I will be opting out of helping them sort out that one. This adds a whole new meaning to "my internet pipe is a big clogged up". Ewwwww.

Counselliing

So it's just about time for me to go see a counsellor at my doctor's surgery for the first time. I rang to make a private appointment a week or so ago as I know I really need some help to get past some reoccuring things. Stress. Anxiety. How I deal with them. How I respond to them. How they effect my self-image and the cycles I then go through. I am honestly terrified, my heart is beating so fast... I know it will be ok, but those old fears. Will I clam up, will I know what to say, will I sound stupid...

See, thats exactly why I am going.

Kick up the arse

I weighed myself on a whim this morning after my shower. It must have been a year or so since I last weighed myself and it was quite a shock. Well I admit the first time I read it I checked the scales again as I didn't believe it. Last time I looked I was about 115lbs and now I'm 134lbs.

OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!

Summer Holidays

Yaaay so I've finally planned my summer holidays. Shhhh it's not SUCH a shock that finally decisions have been made.

Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.

Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.

*gets nervous and excited*

Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!

Closure

Now that whinge is out the way (well, fairly recently, I did kind of have to go to work in between, these things happen), onto other happier things. It is surprising how writing things down does clear the air and let you move on, it certainly did with the previous post.

It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.

One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.

Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.

So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.

I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!

It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."

Another little nudge

A sleepless night and one of those where thoughts were jumbled and unpleasent. To be honest, I've avoided writing when I've had lower times. I mean I've said it all before. Hell I don't want to hear about it so no one else wants to find it by accident when they are eating their cornflakes. Maybe in some ways I don't want to remind myself about it so I can forget about it. So, into a habit of thinking ok I won't write about that, I won't write about that. More self-censorship. Mainly based on thinking "oh no not again" and that feeling of not getting anywhere, even if it's not true. Possibly because it feels like I only come here to whine.

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.

So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.

The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.

The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.

But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.

Oh dear

I am not saying this kind of shows the mentality at work, but they've put signs up in the men's toilets telling us to make sure we flush the toilets...

Party

I'm on a blogging rant, obviously. After a week of being so tired I've been curled in bed by 8pm latest today has been just what I needed. I was asleep by 7.30pm last night, then awake from midnight for an hour or two.... and then a nice lie in this morning. Spring cleaning today, not just tidying but turning the rooms upside down to see what I didn't need. The things I had tucked into corners or under the bed that really needed throwing out. That and stuffing vitamins down my throat to combat the cold that decided to start coming out today (hence the tiredness I think) and then a delicious nap from being genuinely worn out from being busy. Such a lovely feeling! Feeling tired because you've done something and not just from the fact you've made it home from work!

Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.

Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.

We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.

The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.

So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.