Learning the hard way

I like to think that whilst I am dumb enough to make mistakes, I am smart enough to learn from them.

It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.

So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.

Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.

Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.

Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.

Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.

I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.

So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.

I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.

Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.

I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.

So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.

I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.

A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P