Party

I'm on a blogging rant, obviously. After a week of being so tired I've been curled in bed by 8pm latest today has been just what I needed. I was asleep by 7.30pm last night, then awake from midnight for an hour or two.... and then a nice lie in this morning. Spring cleaning today, not just tidying but turning the rooms upside down to see what I didn't need. The things I had tucked into corners or under the bed that really needed throwing out. That and stuffing vitamins down my throat to combat the cold that decided to start coming out today (hence the tiredness I think) and then a delicious nap from being genuinely worn out from being busy. Such a lovely feeling! Feeling tired because you've done something and not just from the fact you've made it home from work!

Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.

Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.

We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.

The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.

So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.