Perfect timing

Timing can be everything.

In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.

It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.

So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.

This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.

Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.

I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).

So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.

So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.

I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.

So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.

This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.