Upsets

The problem with repressing feelings is when they do find a way out they bite you in the ass big time.

This kind of happened to me last night while talking with a friend. They said something with the very best of intentions which caught me in a place where I was a little vulnerable and it caught to the core of that. Of course it wasn't what they said I was reacting to, it was the supressed feelings finding that vent and rushing out all in one go with all the vengence they could muster. I did what I normally do... I went completely cold in a moment as everything kind of came rushing up and it hurt like I'd been stabbed. I really didn't want to react that way, I just did.

I sat there for a moment and thought. What do I do now? Do I say something? Do I just go quiet? Do I make an excuse I have to go? Do I just try and carry on and hide how I am feeling. In the end, I said something, confusing them and worrying them that they had hurt me. I couldn't just hug them and say it was ok, it wasn't. I did explain I knew they were trying to be helpful, but I just needed a little space for some time and thankfully they gave it to me.

It was *such* a better way of handling things and we ended the evening by chatting casually and comfortably on the phone after I'd thrown myself into frantic present wrapping for the evening and slipping my collar in place as a comfort, holding onto one piece of certainty in all the turmoil. The collar meant a lot to me then... It made me have to deal with things, reminding me of the commitments I made to Her to look after myself and also that how I behave reflects on her. It reminded me I can't run anymore, no matter how that seems the easy option (and it never is, it just makes it harder to deal with things when finally you have to).

Supressing things is never really good, but with this one situation is the only way I know how to deal with it and stay sane. So until another way comes along, I am kinda pleased I at least handled things better. I am really grateful for my friend for being patient and understanding and giving me space, and i am totally in the debt of Cuzisaid just for being who she is.

SysAdmin's at Christmas

Walking through the building, its full of Christmas decorations, lights, tinsel, tree's, all the signs of an office full of colleagues that work together but also enjoy each others company. It's really nice to see, even on the floor's with all the Indian on-shore workers.

Then you get to our wing in Operations, with the DBA's, UNIX and Wintel Sysadmins and the CRM team. I can see three pieces of tinsel and one set of lights on the whole wing.

*grin* Merry Christmas from the BoFH's* ;-).

I guess we just have to claim we are too busy keeping the company running!


* that's bastard operator from hell's for those who've never had the privilage to come across those stories!

Simplicity

I've been feeling a lot more relaxed this week, despite the sleeplessness. I don't know what it is, but I do like it. Last week I had all the travelling with the course, plus the being around new people and then the seeing and then missing the boy. I don't know if that was it. I also stopped taking the Valerian as I wasn't at home two nights and had all that driving to do so just wanted to be alert. I started again on Sunday after dropping the boy off. A combination of factors? A nice wind down to Christmas? Less stress? Such wonderful friends? There are no magic cures, no instant fixes, but... I do kinda like feeling like this. This is how I want to be, the me that's open, welcoming, accepting and life just seems so damn simple and uncomplicated... for once all those thoughts are quiet and still. Hooray.

Mistakes

I had something I was supposed to do last night, but I'd been up for 20hrs after not sleeping well the night before and got myself a lil confuzzled and went further than I had intended to when it had first been discussed. I've always been traditionally very hard on myself for making mistakes or misinterpreting things or having ummm accidents.

This morning though, I just woke up... thought about last night and with a clearer head thought "ohhh bum" and took the first chance I could to tell her and that was the end of it. It felt such a really great way to start the day, in her arms. I don't know if it made such a difference that it was a genuine honest mistake and I made it with the best of intentions to do what I thought I was supposed to at the time. I know in the past when I've been SO hard on myself its been when I've misunderstood or worse, couldn't hold on... When I've been SO scared of disappointing her I've punished myself inside.

I prefer this way. My duty is to try, my duty is to grow, my duty is to learn, my duty is to be honest and present the good and the bad openly. I'll make mistakes and I hope they'll always be honest ones, but in reality I know sometimes they will be because I'm not in the right place in my head and am jittery or ornery or crabbit or unsettled. Being able to be just totally open and not worry, it was a really special feeling. In return, I know she has a duty of care to me and to help me learn and not make those mistakes, for both of us. So if I have accidents, I'm going to try and just say "Ma`am, help me not to.". If I don't understand something or its unclear. I just ask! I think the only way I really could disappoint is if i didn't speak out.

Writing in the...

There was a heavy frost on all the car's as I walked to work this morning. Half a centimetre thick or more. Some kids? Teenagers? had written various rude words in the thick layer on the back windows. All I could think of was "oh god they have SUCH neater writing than I do".

I am sure I should have been "Outraged of Didcot" or whatever it is people sign when they write into the newspapers, but that was my first thought! They had really nice writing!

Christmas

So. Christmas. Something I've been avoiding thinking about too much in one of those it will happen and then be over with soon kinds of way as for me, I'm planning it to start on the 27th.

I had to think about it tonight as the ex phoned and asked if i'd stay over Christmas Eve so I'd be there for the boy Christmas morning. My reaction was to say no, it can be so awkward in the house but... Honestly, its Christmas and more chance to be with him, I couldn't say no. So the plans are now -

Christmas Eve... drive to the ex's for about 3pm, then walk with them to church for Christingle. Spend a quiet evening there.
Christmas Morning... spend it with both til just before lunch, then come home for the rest of the day as they are at her parents.
Boxing Day... drive back to the ex's for the morning and a light lunch before they go out again.
27th... drive back to the ex's and get the boy then take him down to the parents.
29th... drive back to the ex's with the boy and Mum to go see a panto, then back to my parents.
1st... drive back to the ex's, drop off the boy, drive home.

A lot of travelling, and just those few quiet times I wasn't looking forward to. SO much better than last year though. Last year we arrived back from Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Morning and then it was home alone. The one and only time I let myself get drunk over the split up. It will not happen this year as I'm on call!

Those who are with their families this year. No matter how hard the situation, how strained... try... try... try just to treasure them for that one day. Please.

Friends

Last night was a good night of renewing and rebinding friendships. Some very new, some very old. Clearing up misunderstandings and confusions and setting some things clear in one new. Finding a deep old friendship is still there alive and well and as heartfelt and precious as ever in another. I think I'm quite proud of myself and how I handle friendships now and the hard times in them. I know how angry or bitter or frustrated I used to get, how quick I was to jump to conclusions and be defensive... because I was so uptight. Now though, well things still annoy me at times but it takes a lot for a friend to rile me, most of the time I'll just let things find their own way through and know no matter what its not meant to be vindictive or malicious, its just people. Friends find a way.

Its pretty good being an adult sometimes.

Fairy dust

It was freezing while walking to work this morning. The path's were white and covered in frost, the sky dark and clear. The moon bright. As I walked it started to rain, that very faint almost misty rain. It was below zero... so as it filled the air it froze, it twinkled in the moonlight like thousands of little star's glowing and shimmering in the sky.

Perks

MMMmmm yum, a very lovely lunch from one of our vendors (SUN) with good company there and a fruitful day at work too. Despite being hyper and then slightly tipsy after lunch, I still managed to come back and fix all my scripts. Damn when I am good I am good!

I was feeling relaxed so enjoyed the big group, even if i was a little quiet as normal, it was nice to enjoy the company. I guess because of my mood, I watched people a little more. There was one guy there (sat a little up the table) who is always very talkative, very loud and vocal who was just quiet.. and in fact played games on his phone and barely touched his meal. I guess he was uncomfortable in the group too. Reminded me of my therapist saying once you never quite know what goes on in people's heads, you may think they are all confident and don't dwell on things the way you do... but you never know. It made me think. I may not be where I want to be in my life but, you know if I let myself, sometimes I don't do too bad.

It can be so sweet!

So my blogs are out of order. I still need to write one about Sunday night, but time time time! I don't want to lose this moment, so I will write where I am now, and then sometime go back and talk about then :). Since then wasn't a very nice place it might be better if I do it this way round anyway.

Today I am hyper. I am sure I will calm down soon and I hope its a slow gentle float down rather than a crash, but either way its kinda nice. I've been pouncing on people (metaphorically) and probably bothering them silly but it feels a good place to be in. The energy, the delight in being around my friends, the joy of life and just wowness at some of the amazing people I'm lucky enough to be around. I'm so damned lucky with the friends I have. I really don't know why I feel so good... Yesterday started pretty down but slowly picked up as I talked to people and my attitude changed when they were just so lovely. By the evening, I was just happily quiet, enjoying thinking of the night before as I wrote about it and enjoying those around me. Early to bed and while a little restless in the night, a peaceful night. This morning, just hyper, energetic :). Its feels so much better, treating people with my smile... I wish I could be more like this. I asked someone to remind me of how I can be when I feel down, as I really don't see it or remember it. She told me to write about it to remind myself, so here I am :).

Remember pup, it feels good more often than it feels bad now... you just don't remember that in the bad times.

Ohhhh and my friend from South Africa is coming over in Feb and my boss has let me have that day off (even though I am supposed to take that days holiday this year *grin*). I really hope I get to meet up with her this time!

Signs of winter

Winter cold
First frost and an icy fog this morning
New train timetable
Trains are randomly cancelled
I don't want to get out of bed!

Kind of nice on a chill morning though, looking out on the fog on the hills.

Mmmmmm

Pins or pegs?

It was a good weekend, they seem to be most often. Simple but good. Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to fit things back into the boxes they came in? Well Saturday morning found me (after the pretty good course at SUN all week) finishing off the boys new PC and then trying to get it back into its box before I went and got him. I managed the PC pretty ok, with just the traditional knuckle scraping of getting the polystryene back in the box the right way round. Could I get the base off the monitor though? Those little darned plastic clips that threaten to snap if you even look at them too closely. In the end I gave up and stuffed it in its box deciding he can open the PC box and then I will probably just give him the monitor :). We finished our Christmas shopping, finally deciding what we could do to finish my Mum's present. Much relief knowing that was all the presents finally decided. I like giving... and I like it being something chosen for a reason, something special for that one person. Its a great pleasure and satisfaction even if you don't get to seem them open it. I don't like it when I don't know what to get someone or why thats for them, things just have to fit ;-). I'm glad we managed it, we tried to get into Reading and ended up giving up as the traffic was so bad! So Didcot it was, and thankfully not too busy so we got to spend more time together. Sat was X Factor final so that was us for the evening, sitting playing battleships in that way you do with children (Ohhhh (8 moves later) did you say C4 not E5?, yes that was a hit...) while we watched and listened and stayed up far too late. Yes, btw, I am really glad Leona won. Amazing voice. Sunday was a nice lovely quiet relaxed day, sitting chatting with the boy, making mosaic cup coasters for my Mum for Christmas, quietly sharing a few words with Mistress here and there occasionally as she spent her day doing the same with her family. It was nice, quiet companionship with both of them. One of those magical unhurried mornings. Dropped in to see my Mum at my Nan's on the way taking the boy back, as she is staying a few days with Nan, and it was good to see both of them so well. The boy was pleased to see them both too and chattered incessently.

In the evening I was lucky enough to have some play time in a completely new way for me. I have a slight exhibitionist streak that came to light awhile back and there are a few phrases which are guaranteed to ease my mind into a certain place. "Undress for me pet", "go get your toys" or in this case "turn on your cam, pet". There is a slight mindblowing realisation when you know that SHE is watching you, devouring your every movement, purring at every single reaction. There's also the strange feedback of watching yourself on the screen from the webcam image displayed. Every touch you make mirrored back there for you to see. Every twitch, every shiver. Its fairly intense no matter what happens. Watching yourself.. voyeur and exhibitionist in one, knowing thats what they see. Ummm yes :) Well last night, she played with me in a way I'd kind of winced at when I'd heard people talk about. After relaxing me in that way she has, when you can feel she is so focused on you, that there is nothing else in her mind but you, almost feel her fingers stroking across your body in the same way her thoughts are devouring... Once in that quiet accepting state of mind she shocked me by telling me to go get the clothes pegs. I've only ever tried one of those once before, on a nipple and I yowled the house down at first, though it felt kind of good too so it was with a little buzzy trepidation I went to get them. I settled back down with her and waited a little nervously with that passive acceptance and expectation. When she told me to take one and place it on that soft skin between cock and balls it was like in a dream, reaching for the peg, picking it up, bringing it close, pinching the skin a little to make a spot then slowly unsqueezing my fingers on the peg top so it closed around the soft skin. I don't think I even made a sound as I was holding my breath... it was such an odd sensation, it didn't hurt, it just felt warm and tight and looking down and seeing it there was a little surreal. I could feel it, but it just felt good... the evidence in how I hardened and a little bead of wetness appeared testified to that. It was that point she told me to turn the cam on... and I tried to concentrate enough to find the cam, untangle the wire, get the camera into position, go and get a light to make it brighter, all running round naked with my tail in and this little peg wobbling away. More pegs, in a line down underneath me. Then more, as she asked, making symmetrical patterns working out to either side, filling in every space... then finally, gasping as each one made me feel more needy, made me want more, pinching the skin on the underside of my cock to get enough skin to run them up the length and the foreskin.

I can't describe it, it was unlike anything I've felt before, every peg... I just wanted, needed her to tell me what to do next, where she wanted them. Each little pinch making a soft gasp come from me. Every movement made them all wobble independenly, making them pull the tight skin, moving it in so many different ways and directions at once. Its no exageration to say i was dripping quietly as well as slightly hypnotised by the little movements. When she told me to run my fingers over and touch the pegs, mmmmmm.

It was the most intense play I've been involved with and it was just wonderful, the pinches... the feeling them of the skin slightly tender as it was released... that feeling of nothing being there. I absolutely loved it and the gentle way she led me through it. Afterwards I just sat grinning like a fool for ages and then getting shy and smiling at her at the thought she was just watching me smile. Today I can feel some of the little pinched spots and its a beautiful reminder.

Yum.

Nights and schools

So after being a right miserable little sod Wed night after I missed my boy, and after half-scaring myself to death on the drive home that night (I hate driving in the dark... the glare of oncoming traffic is blinding), I bit the bullet and asked the ex-wife-to-be if I could stay over again Thurs for the course.

As well as protecting my sanity and stopping me getting worn out on the drive home, it meant I got to be with my boy. The ex's cold decided to come out so we packed her off to bed so it helped her out too - I could look after the boy for the evening and not worry about her and I getting on each others nerves. He was tired, so we curled up on the couch and watched Cats and Dogs (god I love little beagle pups!) and then got him into bed. I didn't sleep well but it was nice to just lay there and listen to his breathing from the other bed. There are worse ways to spend an hour or two in the middle of the night.

She had to get to work early, so once I had woken him up I got to walk him to school by myself. So tonight I will probably be a miserable git again, but then I get to go get him tomorrow :).

Happiness is...

Waking up in the morning and your son being there in the room in the other bed and hearing his soft breathing. Hearing him shout out "morning Daddy, is it it time to get up yet?". Getting him breakfast as he slowly wakes up and taking him into school.

Perfect.

School plays

Awwwwww. Tonight I saw my boy in his school play, "Hansel and Gretel" and it was just so damn cute. It had all the right components. Jokes above the kids heads, kids stage struck and staring at their mums and dad's and waving, kids forgetting their lines and tripping over each other.

Just beautiful. They looked like they loved every minute of it. The boy was a "sandman" and part of the choir and danced on stage with his tinsel at the appropriate bit when Hansel and Gretel slept. I've never had chance to go to his plays before, this is the first time it was in an evening, and I am so glad... it made me smile and laugh a lot. It was so much fun. The school did really well. I'm really glad I finally got to see his school and meet his teacher too. When I went to get him after he had changed he was in a bundle of other children wrapping their arms around a pretty blonde teachers assistant as she is leaving soon. All I can say is thats my boy and he has great taste!!!

This evening, afterwards, we sat and cuddled and watched tv as the ex is out at her work Christmas party. He was tired so he lay up with a cushion in my lap, nestling his head down so I could stroke his hair and face (see, he really DOES take after me). He's tucked in bed now and I'm giving him some time to get to sleep before I go curl up in there.

I'm so proud of my boy.

Lost in...

Listening to the Chris Moyles show this morning on the Radio in the car, they were debating movies. We will leave the commenting about Donnie Darko out of it
as some things are too sacred... and dark movies are one of them).

Lost in Translation was the love it or hate it movie. Most of them hated it, thought it was boring and nothing happened. Personally, I loved it with a passion. It moved me and made me think, unsettled me, left me feeling for the characters and ultimately left me feeling happier about fleeting moments and life's little lost moments.

It reminded me of those times in Hong Kong as a stranger in a strange land, wondering where your place is geographically as well as emotionally in life. Those were the times my wife was pregnant and suffering back in the UK but I had to be out there on work and desperately wanted to be anywhere else, yet was scared of what the future might bring, would I be a good dad? could I cope? Would my wife be ok with all the problems she was having? Feeling so helpless and impotent and yet having to deal with all this while in a place I didn't belong.


The film brought back all those moments as well as those times in your own town where... well... I think you either understand where I am coming from or you don't.

Have you seen it?

Did you love it and just wallow in the journey of too people, knowing it couldn't wouldn't have a nice hollywood end as our journeys don't, they care on?

Did you find it boring and thought nothing happened?



I am curious...

Commuting

I take my hat off to everyone that commutes to work every day. Day two of my 45mile 1hr 30min crawl to the training course. Better today as I didn't just crawl on the M4 but I did do tha creep behind a tractor thing coming out of Didcot!!

On the big plus side, I am now grateful again I get the train in to work normally and won't bitch too much next week when I am stuck waiting on a cold train station again!.

An interesting thought though, can you tell what time people leave home by their lights? No one seems to turn them off as its gets brighter. So you get some people with them on full, some dimmed, some not at all. Does this show how long they've been travelling? I look jealously at those with no lights on who've just crawled out the house...

I was tagged by a friend on alt and much delayed due to birthday celebrations... here goes.

1. I love... people even though I sometimes find it hard to be around them.

2. I'm pissed off that... people aren't just NICE to each other.

3. If I could have one wish instantly granted... I would give a friend her dreams. Please don't ask me which friend as I really really don't know which it would be. I guess who needed it most at the time.

4. One thing I haven't done that I really want to try is... Oh god there is so many. Some physical, some emotional, some mental. The one that comes to mind at this moment is just to lay over someones knee and be spanked and then held and cuddled. Maybe silly, but its the mood I've woken in. Wanting touch.

5. I sincerely miss... my son

6. I can't live without... my son

7. My worst memory is.... The things my wife said.

8. I'm embarrassed by... Other people getting in embarrassing situations. I get embarrassed for them!!

9. My favorite blog or comment by the person who tagged me is... her ever more hysterical pet names

10. I crave... touch

11. My best quality or characteristic is... I care. I feel for people.

12. My worst quality or characteristic is... Sarcastic, cynical and bitter and close off.

13. I have a weakness for... women who like pets

14. My guilty pleasure is... Really bad SF & Fantasy tv

15. My favorite color is... purple

16. 3 adjectives about the color that made me choose it are that it is... warm, deep, promising

17. If I could have any animal for a pet it would be... A puppy, though we might fight.

18. 3 adjectives about the animal that made me choose it are that it is... playful, excitable, loving

19. If I could swim in any body of water it would be... the dead sea

20. 3 adjectives about that body of water that made me choose it are that it is... emmm none, i just can't swim and having been in the dead sea and not sank it was amazing!

21. This tag was... very delayed!

I tag Mistress *grin* as I want to see her post more in her blog ;-)

Do you ever...

... really get used to how quiet the house is after the weekend when he has gone home? Do you ever stop waking up in the middle of the night and wondering why its so quiet, lay there confused wondering whats missing and realise its the little sound of movement, of faintly heard breathing or a light snore?

Do you ever really see Monday's as anything except when something is taken away from you?

I guess I was spoiled with the long weekend. So glad I'm with him again tonight.

Courses

This weeks going to be a busy one. Started a 5 day course today on SUN Cluster. It was interesting but tiring, the drive was about an hour and a half each way, so I think thats going to be most of my week taken up! BUT I do get to babysit my boy tomorrow night and go see his school play!!! Wooohooooo!!!