I woke up this morning and someone wasn't there. Someone who I normally say "hi" to when I first get to a computer at work or at home.
It feels like a big hole at the moment and she is very much missed. She is going through a lot of changes in her life at the moment and I am glad she is in a place where she will be with family rather than online, but selfishly I feel a big gap where I am used to her being.
I miss her already.
I am glad I miss her. I am glad I can feel what she means to me. Everytime I half turn round thinking "oh I should tell that to..." and find she isn't there I will think of her and send her warm thoughts and prayers.
That was my selfish "me" moment, he says with a wry smile, so I can get back to wishing my friend well in her situation and sticking behind her in anyway possible.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
More rumblings
More signs of how I have changed. I know in the past when things went wrong I tended to hide from people as I couldn't face them. I got angry. I lashed out. I reacted. I avoided confrontation. I took the blame and tried to make it all alright.
This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.
I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.
This time I actively looked for friends to be with me. I admitted how I felt and didn't just hide it and pretend it was all ok. I let myself be hurt and distressed. I spoke to my friend this morning. I know it was hard for her. I know she is feeling very pressured and upset and emotional and confused and the last thing she probably wanted was me asking questions. I needed to though. I needed to ask some things that bothered me, that scared me, that frustrated me, that confused me, that hurt me. I needed to know the why's as well as the what's. I think in the end it didn't matter if I liked her answers, I just needed to know for my own peace of mind and sanity.
I am glad she answered as best as she could before it became too much for her. I feel more peaceful. Yes, my thoughts and emotions are churning but I feel more peaceful. I think for once I gave myself time for how I felt rather than just being concerned about someone else. I know it was hard for her, and I am sure it tore her up and I really don't like having rubbed her nose in it, but I needed to do it.
I hope now I can be more the friend she needs at this time, with no resentment or bitter thoughts, as she really does mean the world to me and whilst she has been a silly bitch it doesn't change the fact that at heart I know she is a good woman and I will keep supporting her even if I don't necessarily support some of the things she has done. What matters now is the future.
Hard truths
This is not the blog I was intending to write next, but life has a habit of putting these little bumps in the road. I wasn't even sure if I was going to write about this, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I always said this was my blog, for me, and I would not self-censor, so I am not going to start now.
A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.
So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.
I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.
I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.
A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.
So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.
I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.
I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Chicago
No, not the place, the musical.
I'm going upto London to see it today with a couple of friends I met originally online. I love this musical, really can't wait to see it, should be a fun day. Yes, all of you that think I am a slut, its a completely vanilla one :P :P :P. It IS possible for me to go a day behaving you know.
I'm going upto London to see it today with a couple of friends I met originally online. I love this musical, really can't wait to see it, should be a fun day. Yes, all of you that think I am a slut, its a completely vanilla one :P :P :P. It IS possible for me to go a day behaving you know.
Broom Broom
I arrived back from Thunder on Saturday and then first thing Sunday had to go pick up my new car. I am really pleased with her and totally think I made the right choice. She is cute, little, feels big and spacious inside, the buttons and dials are all intuitive and large enough to find without looking. She steer's beautifully. Firm enough so that when you aren't steering she keeps course, responsive enough when you do that only a light touch is needed to guide her around corners. This makes her a delight around the country roads near here. She isn't especially quick but she has the power I need to bump around and feel safe pulling out and to overtake on the motorway. She feels solid but fun. She is the right car for me and so far the fuel consumption has been pretty good too. I took her over to see the boy and he was very excited and loved her too, so we went over to see my Mum and he could show her off and repeat all the things I'd told him about her! She isn't the only cute one.
Interesting comments
This week has been a week of interesting comments!
Let's start back at the beginning of the week. I had left something at my ex's so she kindly came into town with it with my boy and we had lunch. We were walking back from lunch to the train station so they could go home when the boy nearly ran into a girl who wasn't watching where she was going. I said to him after she went "at least she was pretty" and he replied straight away "she was tasty". I just giggled, it was so funny. My ex then turned round to me and said "he takes after you". I denied it of course, I mean please! Thats so not me. She just looked at me and said "i can still see the bruises down your neck, I noticed them yesterday". I went SO bright red and she carried on "and you've just gone very red...". I didn't know what to say so i just giggled and didn't try to argue with it. I mean I didn't want to get into how and why I might have got them over the last two weeks!!!!
My boy is now away with my ex for a few days holiday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me he had a new gf, and she was 8... his age, he had met her on holiday. I asked him his name and he shouted out to his mum in the background "whats her name mum?". He couldn't remember her name but he did know she was very pretty. I need to teach him a little more about these things I see...
I was walking into town for lunch with a few people and we saw a kid walking along with a strap attached to his arm so he didn't wander off. One of the guys (who knows I am kinky) turned to me and said "we should get one of those for you". One of the team leaders (and she DOESN'T know I am kinky) fires back at him "oh no, we should get a collar and leash instead". I tell you, I have no idea what signals I am sending off at work!!
Let's start back at the beginning of the week. I had left something at my ex's so she kindly came into town with it with my boy and we had lunch. We were walking back from lunch to the train station so they could go home when the boy nearly ran into a girl who wasn't watching where she was going. I said to him after she went "at least she was pretty" and he replied straight away "she was tasty". I just giggled, it was so funny. My ex then turned round to me and said "he takes after you". I denied it of course, I mean please! Thats so not me. She just looked at me and said "i can still see the bruises down your neck, I noticed them yesterday". I went SO bright red and she carried on "and you've just gone very red...". I didn't know what to say so i just giggled and didn't try to argue with it. I mean I didn't want to get into how and why I might have got them over the last two weeks!!!!
My boy is now away with my ex for a few days holiday. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he told me he had a new gf, and she was 8... his age, he had met her on holiday. I asked him his name and he shouted out to his mum in the background "whats her name mum?". He couldn't remember her name but he did know she was very pretty. I need to teach him a little more about these things I see...
I was walking into town for lunch with a few people and we saw a kid walking along with a strap attached to his arm so he didn't wander off. One of the guys (who knows I am kinky) turned to me and said "we should get one of those for you". One of the team leaders (and she DOESN'T know I am kinky) fires back at him "oh no, we should get a collar and leash instead". I tell you, I have no idea what signals I am sending off at work!!
Back now, hide while I go blog crazy!
I'mmmmmmmmmmmmmm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack yes I am here, despite not writing since I got back from Thunder. It's been a week recovering, readjusting, being tired from what feels like very very early mornings, catching up and generally not getting much work done.Last night I ended up staying late at the office, til gone 8. I kind of laughed after I realised I had done it. As I've commented before this is part of my normal cycles after I've had the boy or done things. I start off pretty hyper and high and positive, then get a bit down, then spend a night working late at work as I can't be bothered to go home as its empty, then I kind of settle back into the day to day again.So I've done the late night so am back to normal!
Well something approaching it anyway. This time though I didn't have the down between hyper and the late stay at work. Just got tired. I like that! Wheeee for pretty white little pills that stop me going nuts. Yaay pills.
Seriously though considering how intense a time I had, and that I went from two weeks of being surrounded by wonderful people to back into normality, I am REALLY chuffed with how it didnt feel a wrench. There is a huge difference in how I react now, and I like it.I saw one little change again mid-week, a simple thing but I am going to write about it just as I have everything else, who knows it may encourage others? I used to always see situations where I could lend a hand and then avoid them as I was worried what to say, didnt want to get involved or just to-and-fro'ed whether to and then didn't and felt bad over it. Stupid simple little things. On the same morning going to work I spoke to a woman that was dithering unsure about something at the train station, told her what train she needed... then I found a train pass someone had dropped and handed it in. Yes I know, they are things everyone would do everyday but previously i was SO paralysed by anxiety I couldn't have done it.
It's the little things that show you how much has changed.
Well something approaching it anyway. This time though I didn't have the down between hyper and the late stay at work. Just got tired. I like that! Wheeee for pretty white little pills that stop me going nuts. Yaay pills.
Seriously though considering how intense a time I had, and that I went from two weeks of being surrounded by wonderful people to back into normality, I am REALLY chuffed with how it didnt feel a wrench. There is a huge difference in how I react now, and I like it.I saw one little change again mid-week, a simple thing but I am going to write about it just as I have everything else, who knows it may encourage others? I used to always see situations where I could lend a hand and then avoid them as I was worried what to say, didnt want to get involved or just to-and-fro'ed whether to and then didn't and felt bad over it. Stupid simple little things. On the same morning going to work I spoke to a woman that was dithering unsure about something at the train station, told her what train she needed... then I found a train pass someone had dropped and handed it in. Yes I know, they are things everyone would do everyday but previously i was SO paralysed by anxiety I couldn't have done it.
It's the little things that show you how much has changed.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Travels
Finally I can't believe it's here. Tomorrow I fly to the US, first to Colorado to meet up with friends and eventually making it to Thunder in the Mountains for my first ever kink event. Then, the week after, scooting over to Ohio to meet up with Tracy to give her a long overdue hug to say thanks for being such a friend.I know I've been quiet recently, its been a hassled (at work) and hectic (outside) couple of weeks. Travelling to Mum's with the boy every weekend to see my brother and niece. Choosing a new car (yaaay thats delivered the day after I get back by the way, a brand new Honda Jazz (or Fit in the USA)). Meeting up for the Snow Patrol concert with my delicious wonderful friend Dream. We had SUCH a blast, I still smile over it. Meeting some wonderful people from Alt. Some great new friends. I've been truly blessed at how lovely they are, how they've appeared and just by taking a little risk these new doors are opening up. So much happening so fast. I love people, I really do I'm a very very lucky pup at the ones that have wandered into my life. Write more when I am there! I might actually have time!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Films
As I was in a good mood yesterday after a lovely bunch of texts from a friend and had picked up my car, and as I was in town, I decided to go to the cinema with my unlimited cinema ticket.
Went to see Oceans 13 which was a lot of fun (and had cute people in it ;-)) but also enjoyed the trailers. I really like the look of Transformers (god thats showing my age and geekiness)... and have to say, the trailers for the next Harry Potter look just *amazing*. I really cannot wait to see it! Come on come on come on.
Went to see Oceans 13 which was a lot of fun (and had cute people in it ;-)) but also enjoyed the trailers. I really like the look of Transformers (god thats showing my age and geekiness)... and have to say, the trailers for the next Harry Potter look just *amazing*. I really cannot wait to see it! Come on come on come on.
Coffeeeeeee
We were in town getting a sandwich for lunch when I saw a sign for a Krispie Kreme doughnut place the other side of the Mall. I didn't know we had one in Reading so I perked up immediately and asked my team leader if he wanted a coffee and doughnut. He had never tried one so we went along. The girl that served us was soooooooooooooooooooooooo perky cute I was glad I was ordering and paying so I smiled at her lots (you know me and coffee girls, lol) and waited when she made the coffee's so she didn't have to bring them over. I probably went red when she said "welcome lovey" since I am like that around women and go all shy and stuff.
Butttttttttttt to prove I still have my touch around coffee people.... we were sitting drinking our coffee on a couch after eating our doughnuts when the male shop guy came over and gave us a free doughnut each. I have no idea why, maybe he was jealous of the attention I'd given her!
OK, yes, I am a tart :P
Butttttttttttt to prove I still have my touch around coffee people.... we were sitting drinking our coffee on a couch after eating our doughnuts when the male shop guy came over and gave us a free doughnut each. I have no idea why, maybe he was jealous of the attention I'd given her!
OK, yes, I am a tart :P
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Happy returns
Our other team leader returned yesterday after six months maternity leave. Soooooo good to have her back as she is a real laugh. Gave her a nice hug too, so can't be bad!
Big smiles
Yaaaay my car's only cost 60 pound. The brake discs are badly scored and would need replacing, but I can get away with it til I replace it.
Big happy smiles
Big happy smiles
Tempting fate
You know, never write about needing to replace something, it will hear and bite you in the ass!
After writing that gushing post about replacing my car, it's now in the garage having hits brakes fixed and I was hit with the car insurance renewal yesterday too! Ouch!!!
After writing that gushing post about replacing my car, it's now in the garage having hits brakes fixed and I was hit with the car insurance renewal yesterday too! Ouch!!!
Nerves
I'm starting to feel slightly flustered? anxious? out of my depth? or maybe just spread thin as suddenly lots seems to be happening in many directions.
I was laying in bed thinking last night about my previous post of the things I want to change and exploring it in my head, looking at the feelings that have started creeping in with people I am talking to and why I start to get twitchy and panicky. I know I'm rethinking my conversations more than I was, picking out all the light and inconsequential things and thinking how uninteresting they must seem to others. I've really got to get a handle on this and let things go.
Its silly... because things are actually picking up so much. I have the trip to the USA in three weeks to meet some wonderful people and experience some wonderful things. I have the concert Thurs and chance to meet up with a good friend again. We've organised to go see the musical Chicago with another sub friend in August. Talking about meeting up with another new good friend sometime when both our nerves and schedules allow, and I'd really love to get chance to say hi to her in the flesh. Someone else from IC that's said they would like to meet up and go walking with me in the area which would be good. Other new people slowly making impact in my life. So many things in so many directions all at once, its kind of overwhelming. I love it, but it makes me feel nervous and edgy. I don't want it to stop. I don't want any of these opportunities to back off, hell no... I want them to happen now... but it still makes me edgy. A weird craving and recoiling a the same time thing.
Only one way to deal with it... thats to push forward and make it work. Get past the nerves and make all these things just feel good and a normal part of my life.
I was laying in bed thinking last night about my previous post of the things I want to change and exploring it in my head, looking at the feelings that have started creeping in with people I am talking to and why I start to get twitchy and panicky. I know I'm rethinking my conversations more than I was, picking out all the light and inconsequential things and thinking how uninteresting they must seem to others. I've really got to get a handle on this and let things go.
Its silly... because things are actually picking up so much. I have the trip to the USA in three weeks to meet some wonderful people and experience some wonderful things. I have the concert Thurs and chance to meet up with a good friend again. We've organised to go see the musical Chicago with another sub friend in August. Talking about meeting up with another new good friend sometime when both our nerves and schedules allow, and I'd really love to get chance to say hi to her in the flesh. Someone else from IC that's said they would like to meet up and go walking with me in the area which would be good. Other new people slowly making impact in my life. So many things in so many directions all at once, its kind of overwhelming. I love it, but it makes me feel nervous and edgy. I don't want it to stop. I don't want any of these opportunities to back off, hell no... I want them to happen now... but it still makes me edgy. A weird craving and recoiling a the same time thing.
Only one way to deal with it... thats to push forward and make it work. Get past the nerves and make all these things just feel good and a normal part of my life.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Puddles
This came from a friend and SO made me laugh considering how much time I spend puddling...
------
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"Nope," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
------
Three little ducks go into a Bar...........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"Nope," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Challenges
Various conversations recently have made me think and watch my moods more and the things I tell myself that are harmful. I mean not like really bad things, but the little things we say to ourselves that undermine us. The little "I can't do that"'s. The things we repeat to ourself that other's have said unkindly. That sort of thing.
I thought of three that I know I do quite a bit which I've decided to work on and try and put behind me. To consciously stop myself when I do them and look for ways of showing myself they aren't true.
So... here they are, so I don't forget and can remind myself they aren't true.
1) That I am not submissive really. I am just an overly horny geek and just pretending. This is an old one and one I know at least one other friend suffers with. This stems from doubting myself, doubting my motives and reasons. Doubting what I have to give and that very bad thing "comparing myself to others". Everyone has different things to give and by thinking this I am undervaluing myself which is damaging, its always making me feel inferior or wrong. This goes back to very long term fears that I would be "found out" for what I am really like and then people wouldn't like me, if they knew the "real" me. Yes I am a horny lil runt, but that's not all... and I know what I have in me is uniquely me and is very much treasured by the right people.
2) That I will never be in a relationship again. This is another old favourite in my head and is nicely self-martyring. Telling myself I am a nice guy and all (which is pretending to guise it as a positive thing) but I've had my chance and I'll never find someone that wants to be close to me as more than a friend. That that's what I am good for, to be people's friend and to be there for them. That basically I can't be close to someone intimately because I am not capable, that I don't have the right things to give, that I am lacking in things. You can see a pattern emerging here can't you? I can.
3) That I bother people. That people will get fed up with me and I mustn't bother them so much or they'll get bored and just be nice and humour me. That I'll get on their nerves.
Three things and all coming from a feeling of inferiority (which is weird considering the position I have at work and how generally that doesn't bother me so much). So I need to work at my feelings of insecurity and inferiority and stop myself from going down those routes as they reinforce and feed those feelings.
Something very definite to work on.
I thought of three that I know I do quite a bit which I've decided to work on and try and put behind me. To consciously stop myself when I do them and look for ways of showing myself they aren't true.
So... here they are, so I don't forget and can remind myself they aren't true.
1) That I am not submissive really. I am just an overly horny geek and just pretending. This is an old one and one I know at least one other friend suffers with. This stems from doubting myself, doubting my motives and reasons. Doubting what I have to give and that very bad thing "comparing myself to others". Everyone has different things to give and by thinking this I am undervaluing myself which is damaging, its always making me feel inferior or wrong. This goes back to very long term fears that I would be "found out" for what I am really like and then people wouldn't like me, if they knew the "real" me. Yes I am a horny lil runt, but that's not all... and I know what I have in me is uniquely me and is very much treasured by the right people.
2) That I will never be in a relationship again. This is another old favourite in my head and is nicely self-martyring. Telling myself I am a nice guy and all (which is pretending to guise it as a positive thing) but I've had my chance and I'll never find someone that wants to be close to me as more than a friend. That that's what I am good for, to be people's friend and to be there for them. That basically I can't be close to someone intimately because I am not capable, that I don't have the right things to give, that I am lacking in things. You can see a pattern emerging here can't you? I can.
3) That I bother people. That people will get fed up with me and I mustn't bother them so much or they'll get bored and just be nice and humour me. That I'll get on their nerves.
Three things and all coming from a feeling of inferiority (which is weird considering the position I have at work and how generally that doesn't bother me so much). So I need to work at my feelings of insecurity and inferiority and stop myself from going down those routes as they reinforce and feed those feelings.
Something very definite to work on.
Old friends
In the middle of making new friends, I got closer to old ones too. I'm going to see Snow Patrol with someone i've known online for a while and her partner wanted to meet me before she went (which is totally understandable!) so I took the day off last Tuesday and drove the 100 miles to go meet them both.
It's a strange thing when someone stops being words on a screen or on the phone and you see their face, their expression, their smile, their body language... but its also a wonderful thing. I was nervous but no where near as nervous as I used to be. Most nervous about meeting her partner though as I've never even spoke to him before. I knew he must be a good guy though, to be with her, and I've heard good things about him from others.
Like most of my close friends, we've shared up and down times, not just casual hello's and chat but made a closer connection. Seeing someone from the inside out is weird, but it works for me.
It was a 2 1/2hr drive and I arrived about 11am and they were both totally lovely. Completely warm, genuine, friendly people that made me feel very welcome. She was exactly like I imagined her and we chatted happily about things and I hope it wasn't too strained on their side either. Apparently I blush a lot easier than I realise and she took great delight in pointing out to me and I giggled lots squirming and not knowing quite where to look. She also took a playful swat at my ass with a flogger as I went to get my tail from the car to show them. OK it was only a playful flick through my jeans but omg *purrrr* ummm yes yummy.
It's also the first time I've really chatted in person with an experienced male sub who wasn't just a pain slut (as many have been at the few munches I went to) and it made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I am to see someone that obviously had so many similar reactions... it was very reaffirming and I came away feeling a lot more settled about that side of me, who and what I am.
Her kids came home, so we helped one with their homework, had pizza, then played Wii games (i know how to influence kids, so i'd bought mine!) til 8pm when it was time for me to reluctantly go home.
What did I love most? The time spent with friends. The chance to actually hug a friend rather than it just be words. The opportunity to just sit and purrr and relax and be myself without catching my words or worrying about being thought "odd" because of my tastes. The chance to quietly rub her feet in my lap and know she understood I was doing it just because I loved to, not because I wanted anything else.
People are great :)
It's a strange thing when someone stops being words on a screen or on the phone and you see their face, their expression, their smile, their body language... but its also a wonderful thing. I was nervous but no where near as nervous as I used to be. Most nervous about meeting her partner though as I've never even spoke to him before. I knew he must be a good guy though, to be with her, and I've heard good things about him from others.
Like most of my close friends, we've shared up and down times, not just casual hello's and chat but made a closer connection. Seeing someone from the inside out is weird, but it works for me.
It was a 2 1/2hr drive and I arrived about 11am and they were both totally lovely. Completely warm, genuine, friendly people that made me feel very welcome. She was exactly like I imagined her and we chatted happily about things and I hope it wasn't too strained on their side either. Apparently I blush a lot easier than I realise and she took great delight in pointing out to me and I giggled lots squirming and not knowing quite where to look. She also took a playful swat at my ass with a flogger as I went to get my tail from the car to show them. OK it was only a playful flick through my jeans but omg *purrrr* ummm yes yummy.
It's also the first time I've really chatted in person with an experienced male sub who wasn't just a pain slut (as many have been at the few munches I went to) and it made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I am to see someone that obviously had so many similar reactions... it was very reaffirming and I came away feeling a lot more settled about that side of me, who and what I am.
Her kids came home, so we helped one with their homework, had pizza, then played Wii games (i know how to influence kids, so i'd bought mine!) til 8pm when it was time for me to reluctantly go home.
What did I love most? The time spent with friends. The chance to actually hug a friend rather than it just be words. The opportunity to just sit and purrr and relax and be myself without catching my words or worrying about being thought "odd" because of my tastes. The chance to quietly rub her feet in my lap and know she understood I was doing it just because I loved to, not because I wanted anything else.
People are great :)
New friends
Yes, I am playing catchup again after a busy work/busy life kind of week last week. I've noticed that as life get's busy and I have more to write about I both have less time and less inclination to write (as I'm knackered!), so then play catchup slowly after... Mostly. Sometimes I just chat about things with friends and then it never get's written.
I never did get round to writing up about Amsterdam! There are a few things I do want to make sure I say though. A week last Friday I made a new friend. That made a pretty mediocre week (pretty tired out through working each evening) into an amazing one. That day had been pretty naff starting anyway as something had gotten to me. It was a strange thing. I've known this person by seeing their comments on Alt for awhile, they've left me a few nice comments and I've responded. I was a little intimidated though. They came across as very smart, strong, focussed despite everything they had gone through. We had said a few things in comments that encouraged each other and I had just left it as that. I started reading their blog and it opened up more sides of them too me. I think it was the few times she let her guard slip and showed how much she struggled too and some of the quandries she was in with trying to work out and redefine who she was, feeling bits of herself going in different directions and the confusion that brings. It made me go oh yes.... knowing just how that feels. You have this smart, funny woman who has doubts, concerns, worries, desires and fears... and suddenly very approachable and human.
I have a silly fear. You share a few nice comments with someone and thats all nice and safe. If you reach out and try and go further you risk losing that. You may not get on, you may not like each other, you may have nothing to say to each other and just get stuck at a "hi" and thats quite embarrasing. When do you risk something "safe" and try and make a real friend? Well, I think you should always do it, even though I do it rarely... So I made that step. Emailed her. Invited her to say hi to me on IM if she wanted. I had a minor heart attack when she did thinking "oh god what do i say now". We talked. We talked on and off all day and it was just so NICE. So easy and we found so much in common with how we thought about things, the bad things as well as the good. I found myself just saying "yes" all day and smiling that someone else knew all those silly thoughts and feelings we have, without having to explain why we can be so daft... without having to explain or justify myself. I think thats the feeling I came away with at the end of the day. I had been pretty open about things and never had to qualify it or justify it or explain the less than ideal things. That and she was just fun to chat with on every level.
It was good. Very good. Making friends is always worth the risk! Sometimes we just need to find the right person to make the friend with to make it work.
In the evening, I went to the cinema... Went home, the last text on my phone had been from my new friend. I'd finished eating when I got a call on my phone with this voice saying "so are you out of the kitchen now? did you enjoy the cup of tea?". I was like OMG what? How did she know? It totally threw me. Then she explained, somehow my phone unlocked in my pocket, hit that text and hit dial... so she had been stuck on the phone for twenty odd minutes listening to everything I did. I was so glad all I had done was make dinner! I was SO embarrased I went completely red, and just giggled. It was a great ice-breaker as I think both of us would have been too nervous to make a call. We giggled and talked for an hour or so about this, that, other things and it was just how friends are supposed to be. Even if I still chuckle when I think of her calling me up with the ultimate stalker line of asking if i'd enjoyed my tea!
I never did get round to writing up about Amsterdam! There are a few things I do want to make sure I say though. A week last Friday I made a new friend. That made a pretty mediocre week (pretty tired out through working each evening) into an amazing one. That day had been pretty naff starting anyway as something had gotten to me. It was a strange thing. I've known this person by seeing their comments on Alt for awhile, they've left me a few nice comments and I've responded. I was a little intimidated though. They came across as very smart, strong, focussed despite everything they had gone through. We had said a few things in comments that encouraged each other and I had just left it as that. I started reading their blog and it opened up more sides of them too me. I think it was the few times she let her guard slip and showed how much she struggled too and some of the quandries she was in with trying to work out and redefine who she was, feeling bits of herself going in different directions and the confusion that brings. It made me go oh yes.... knowing just how that feels. You have this smart, funny woman who has doubts, concerns, worries, desires and fears... and suddenly very approachable and human.
I have a silly fear. You share a few nice comments with someone and thats all nice and safe. If you reach out and try and go further you risk losing that. You may not get on, you may not like each other, you may have nothing to say to each other and just get stuck at a "hi" and thats quite embarrasing. When do you risk something "safe" and try and make a real friend? Well, I think you should always do it, even though I do it rarely... So I made that step. Emailed her. Invited her to say hi to me on IM if she wanted. I had a minor heart attack when she did thinking "oh god what do i say now". We talked. We talked on and off all day and it was just so NICE. So easy and we found so much in common with how we thought about things, the bad things as well as the good. I found myself just saying "yes" all day and smiling that someone else knew all those silly thoughts and feelings we have, without having to explain why we can be so daft... without having to explain or justify myself. I think thats the feeling I came away with at the end of the day. I had been pretty open about things and never had to qualify it or justify it or explain the less than ideal things. That and she was just fun to chat with on every level.
It was good. Very good. Making friends is always worth the risk! Sometimes we just need to find the right person to make the friend with to make it work.
In the evening, I went to the cinema... Went home, the last text on my phone had been from my new friend. I'd finished eating when I got a call on my phone with this voice saying "so are you out of the kitchen now? did you enjoy the cup of tea?". I was like OMG what? How did she know? It totally threw me. Then she explained, somehow my phone unlocked in my pocket, hit that text and hit dial... so she had been stuck on the phone for twenty odd minutes listening to everything I did. I was so glad all I had done was make dinner! I was SO embarrased I went completely red, and just giggled. It was a great ice-breaker as I think both of us would have been too nervous to make a call. We giggled and talked for an hour or so about this, that, other things and it was just how friends are supposed to be. Even if I still chuckle when I think of her calling me up with the ultimate stalker line of asking if i'd enjoyed my tea!
Cars
I hate making decisions, especially if they are decisions that are going to stick with me sometime. I guess its my risk aversion at work. This stands me well in my job in IT, as I tend to think through the consequences of changes rather than rushing in.
In real life though this is generally a bad thing and I can get into an indecisive loop of feeling paralysed and overwhelmed. Fortunately the medication has helped a LOT in this and reducing the anxiety so I can actually make a choice. I am still not great at it, but it does mean its more down to me and not just my head trying to spin round as if I was doing a remake of the Exorcist.
As I have rambled before, my car is getting a little... decrepit for the amount of driving I am doing now, and I think its time to get a new one. After surfing the web for far too long trying to make my mind up from the mixed reviews I have a clear winner. The Honda Jazz (Fit for Americans) just ticks all the boxes. Its cute. It's pretty. It has lots of interesting buttons and dials inside and neat lit up displays. Ummm I am sure I should think of mechanical things too... It's relatively small. It's efficient. It's low emission. It's pretty. It's supposed to be reliable. It as a good amount of space and very flexible seats that fold down in all sorts of interesting ways to make it good for carrying stuff around (and sex I've decided, that magic seating system is purely designed so someone can have sex comfortably). It's pretty. It just really does seem like its the car for what I need. OK so its a but more than I wanted to spend but... I have more people I want to visit now who are all some distance away, soooooo its a worthwhile investment. I popped into the local Honda Dealer Sunday and had a fiddle with one and it was nice. Couldn't take it for a test drive though as there were only two sales advisor's and they were both busy with people interested in more expensive cars...
So I need to go for a test drive, then make my mind up finally. I've seen a really good price on two 2006 ones in South Wales that if I like how they drive and they are still available would be a no brainer to take a day off work for a trip to go see them. So I just have to cross my fingers and hope they don't go. At least I know now what I want, which is good... as I really dislike dealing with sales people, they are so pushy. If I go knowing what I want I deal with it a lot better.
In typical awkward fashion though, the brakes on my car have started grinding so I have to drop my car in the garage tonight. I've asked them to do the minimum to keep it going for a few thousand miles just so I can get it replaced, as I really do not want to spend a lot of money on it now.
In real life though this is generally a bad thing and I can get into an indecisive loop of feeling paralysed and overwhelmed. Fortunately the medication has helped a LOT in this and reducing the anxiety so I can actually make a choice. I am still not great at it, but it does mean its more down to me and not just my head trying to spin round as if I was doing a remake of the Exorcist.
As I have rambled before, my car is getting a little... decrepit for the amount of driving I am doing now, and I think its time to get a new one. After surfing the web for far too long trying to make my mind up from the mixed reviews I have a clear winner. The Honda Jazz (Fit for Americans) just ticks all the boxes. Its cute. It's pretty. It has lots of interesting buttons and dials inside and neat lit up displays. Ummm I am sure I should think of mechanical things too... It's relatively small. It's efficient. It's low emission. It's pretty. It's supposed to be reliable. It as a good amount of space and very flexible seats that fold down in all sorts of interesting ways to make it good for carrying stuff around (and sex I've decided, that magic seating system is purely designed so someone can have sex comfortably). It's pretty. It just really does seem like its the car for what I need. OK so its a but more than I wanted to spend but... I have more people I want to visit now who are all some distance away, soooooo its a worthwhile investment. I popped into the local Honda Dealer Sunday and had a fiddle with one and it was nice. Couldn't take it for a test drive though as there were only two sales advisor's and they were both busy with people interested in more expensive cars...
So I need to go for a test drive, then make my mind up finally. I've seen a really good price on two 2006 ones in South Wales that if I like how they drive and they are still available would be a no brainer to take a day off work for a trip to go see them. So I just have to cross my fingers and hope they don't go. At least I know now what I want, which is good... as I really dislike dealing with sales people, they are so pushy. If I go knowing what I want I deal with it a lot better.
In typical awkward fashion though, the brakes on my car have started grinding so I have to drop my car in the garage tonight. I've asked them to do the minimum to keep it going for a few thousand miles just so I can get it replaced, as I really do not want to spend a lot of money on it now.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Police, do not cross...
omg
I got back to work today to find my desk had been wrapped up in "police do not cross" tape and i had to spend ages getting it clear. Even my keyboard had been wrapped up! I am SO going to enjoy getting them back!
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