Hard truths

This is not the blog I was intending to write next, but life has a habit of putting these little bumps in the road. I wasn't even sure if I was going to write about this, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I always said this was my blog, for me, and I would not self-censor, so I am not going to start now.

A very close friend of mine told me something at the weekend which was hard to hear. I understand her reasons, I've done things myself for exactly the same reasons. She did not make excuses, she did not try to pretend it was right, she did not duck from her responsibility, she just told me the truth. I very much respect that. I am glad she was honest with me when I asked, that does mean a lot to me. Despite understanding her reasons I am saddened she couldn't talk to me first though. It's part of the human situation I think to both intellectually understand why someone wouldn't tell you something and yet emotionally feel hurt that they didn't. I've followed this route of silence before and I know how it makes you feel.

So I am living in a split brain at the moment. Part of me understands, emotes and relates to her and all thats happened, nodding along as I've been there done that. Part of me feels betrayed and rejected on very many levels.

I've forgiven her, there was no question of that, but I can't deny there is hurt there too. If I do I will bottle it up and harm myself and then I will be no use to everyone. I am not angry at her, not at the moment anyway though that may come as its a natural part of healing. I am not even so much disappointed as it makes sense to me. I am a little lost however as this person has always been an anchor for me and I have never had reason to doubt anything she has said or not said. But she is human and I know this wasn't intended to be personal against me, so I will keep working at making sure it doesn't feel personal.

I do know one thing though. Whilst it may change our friendship in some ways (every breath we take every day changes our relationships with everyone), it will not stop me loving her or being her friend or being there for her. I can and will be her friend in everyway she needs because I know her heart is a good one, because I know what we have is deep enough to get over these stumbles. Despite the confusion inside, I know if we keep ourselves open and don't turn our backs, I know our friendship can and will grow stronger.