At least I know why I was so weary last week and why my skin decided to start playing 3rd world war on my face. The cold has bit in and after a few days with a sore throat I am all sinusy, coughy, achy and all the other delights. No, its not "Man-flu", its just a cold and annoying it is too. I hope it doesnt hang around same as last time and eat away at my energy for ages.
The thing I dislike most, and its something I have recognised this time and not before, is how it effects me mentally. Apart from the lack of energy and apathy, I get very uptight, very nervy, very uncomfortable and a little frantic without knowing why. I worry over things terribly and things blow out of proportion. Things I would just take in my stride suddenly seem unsummountable. I feel kind of needy and clingy which I dislike intensely as I feel I am bothering people.
Today was an example, my ex phoned up in tears as she thought something had happened to her dad. It turned out to be a miscommunication from her sister panicking her. There is also an ongoing situation regarding a friend doing something which isn't my problem but involves me. I feel pressured and not sure how to handle the situation as it involves standing upto them, something which is hard when I feel so out of sorts, so I am kind of ignoring it for a few days while I go on a course. I want to write so much more, but my lack of energy makes it frustrating the words won't come out.
On the brighter side, I recognise where these feelings are coming from for once and refuse to let them set me off into a cycle of depression. I won't I won't I won't I tell you.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Perspective
A very very wise friend said this to me tonight.
"Over the decades, I've discovered there aren't very many human characteristics that are intrinsically bad. There are only those that aren't used in the right place at the right time, or those that are used to take advantage or used for personal gain."
This floored me, it was so true and such a different perspective on the bits of me I've always considered as flaws.
"Over the decades, I've discovered there aren't very many human characteristics that are intrinsically bad. There are only those that aren't used in the right place at the right time, or those that are used to take advantage or used for personal gain."
This floored me, it was so true and such a different perspective on the bits of me I've always considered as flaws.
Nudge nudge, wink wink
The boy has been a big manic this week with his new PC. It was to be expected, a new toy, new things to do, new people to talk to, new ways to do it. We set it up last week and got it all connected and raring to go and then he got a little over excited. He is set up with a limited amount of family on his IM's and he started to bomb us all with buzzes and winks and emoticons as soon as he saw anyone online. It was kinda cute in a this gets very old fast and a pain in the ass kind of way. After we'd talked on voice for a little and played games, he kept on and on buzzing and winking at people so we had to start setting rules. Only talk if you ask Mum first (as its at her house, so he rrules). Then when he still hassled people, no winks and nudges. Then the hard night... We agreed a time he would call me and he would play but he ignored that so we had to ground him for the first time. That was hard. Discipline is necessary but its really hard to do when I don't get much chance to be with him, and you almost feel guilty for saying "no" when all they want to do is spend more time with you. Its the time with his Mum though, and he has homework to do, time with her, playtime and we want the computer to just be part of that. So he was grounded that night and no PC time for breaking the rules.
We had a big chat about it Saturday, I explained how I am busy, I get tired from work, I need time to unwind from work. I need to eat, so I can't just be there all the time. So we came to an arrangement, Tues-Fri he can call and play games for 30mins about 7.30pm and then he can get ready for bed and relax. That gives me Mondays in peace as I am normally most tired then. Settings rules seems so hard from so far but its good when we work out a sensible compromise between us, bodes well for the future.
We had a big chat about it Saturday, I explained how I am busy, I get tired from work, I need time to unwind from work. I need to eat, so I can't just be there all the time. So we came to an arrangement, Tues-Fri he can call and play games for 30mins about 7.30pm and then he can get ready for bed and relax. That gives me Mondays in peace as I am normally most tired then. Settings rules seems so hard from so far but its good when we work out a sensible compromise between us, bodes well for the future.
Dreams
The boy made us a lovely Christmas present at his beavers/cubs. This dream catcher. It brought back fond memories as a friend from the USA sent us one as a wedding present. Seeing the one the boy made up on my ex's wall felt good, kind of like going back full circle but differently. Things changed after those 10 years but they have ended up in a much better place. When I see that up on the wall, I think of the times we went round and round in circles until we finally broke free and found a new way.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Weary weeks
This week has been tiring so far. After the long Christmas break getting back into the swing of 6am starts, the walk to the station, the day at work, walk home to the quiet house... Well its been a challenge. Work has been fairly quiet thankfully and its been nice to get some stuff done and slowly get back into the frustrations of the working week. Also it has been wonderful catching up with those I get to speak to during the day, spending time with them. That was one thing I truly missed, even though they were with me in my thoughts. That comfortable silence you can fall into when you don't need to talk.
The thing I've noticed though is that weariness though when I get in at home, really having to drive myself to make sure I eat and tidy up and occupy the evening usefully. Another side-effect is this week I've had to carry my laptop with me to and from work (being on-call) so am definitely quite achy. Thats another deterrent from sitting writing in the evenings, on top of the weariness. So an abscence of bloggage despite knowing exactly what i wanted to say! I have got on though, emails, catching up on reading, a story written over two evenings. I know I will get less tired as I settle back in a routine again.
The thing I've noticed though is that weariness though when I get in at home, really having to drive myself to make sure I eat and tidy up and occupy the evening usefully. Another side-effect is this week I've had to carry my laptop with me to and from work (being on-call) so am definitely quite achy. Thats another deterrent from sitting writing in the evenings, on top of the weariness. So an abscence of bloggage despite knowing exactly what i wanted to say! I have got on though, emails, catching up on reading, a story written over two evenings. I know I will get less tired as I settle back in a routine again.
Leash (part 2)
My eyes were drawn to that spot, where her fingers played as I tried to rack my mind for the significance of it. The remnance of the shock of her fingers didn't help the concentration much, it was hard not to just crave that touch again, her warmth, her breath. I had to shake my head a little again before I fell into that warm almost hypnotic state her closeness had on me. Her chuckle showed me she expected just that response, the warm flush of a blush on my cheeks her reward for knowing me so well.
I knew I should guess what she was thinking but I just couldn't get the significance of it. I took a deep breath and gulped, biting the bullet and looking up to meet her eyes. My throat was dry and I stuttered, finding it hard to get the words out. Why was asking something and admitting ones ignorance such a humbling experience? "Mistress", I gulped the word barely coming out "I don't understand". Her face softened at my words, a look of affection fleeting across it. She knew how hard that had been and she treasured me asking, warming to my vunerability. However, she was also hungry and the look which replaced it was one of eagerness. She leant forward, her hand slipping up to cup my balls, squeezing and lifting up so my cock jerked in the air. Gasping I looked down into her brightly shining eyes, straining to hear her barely whispered reply.
"Little puppy, don't you remember when you fucked this couch so desperately? You should do... you've acted like you wanted to hump my leg nearly everytime you've seen me since...". She let her words hang there in the air as my eyes widened, face going red in shock with the embarrassment of how obvious I was towards her, cock twitching of its own accord in the air with a little bead of precum suddenly expelled and rolling wetly down its length. My body gave the truth to her words without any possibility of denial, just as she knew it would. Of course I could remember it now, and the significance of her touch of the couch and her leg, all the puppy things around. I could remember that night when she sent me spinning into a dizzy haze and I frantically humped the couch like the desperate puppy I was. So wanting, so needing. Her little push all that was required to drive me to lose myself in the lust. She'd known what I was from the outset, somehow, way before I had. All I could do was mew and lean into her hand as she stroked beneath my balls, rolling them as she fed on my obvious arousal at the sting of teasing humiliation.
"Mmmmmm pet" she growled, thumb pushing upwards to press into the length of my shaft. I rocked against her, knowing that just confirmed what she'd said, how I'd do anything to rub against her flesh but being totally captivated by her. Her thumb stroked the skin of my cock as her fingers squeezed and relaxed against my balls. Each grip getting tighter. The pleasure from her caress turning the tightness into a delicious ache of wanting more, wanting her to squeeze hard. I just groaned incoherently leaning into her. She had other idea's though, her fingers wrapping round the leash and tugging downwards. I fell to my knee's as that tug travelled up to pull on my collar. She didn't stop though, she leaned forward, pulling lower. I spread my legs wide at first, trying to move down with her hand but that wasn't enough. Slipping onto all fours next to find balance, twisting to turn sideways onto her. Still lower though, dragging my crotch down til my hands and legs gave way and I lay sprawled on her feet.
She leaned back now, purring at my position, her foot pushing up into my stiff cock, playfully prodding and exploring with her toes. Cock, balls, pushing into into both and watching my ass wiggle desperately in the air for her as I groaned with lust. "Fuck them puppy" she growled, giving my ass an encouraging slap, the sting accenting her words. I'm sure there must have been a red hand print left on my pale skin, just as there was a mark left inside me by her words. I didn't need to be told twice, desperately twisting and writhing, rubbing my cock against her wonderful feet, thrusting against them with all my weight to dry and drag back the foreskin and build up the friction. I squirmed on the floor, arms and legs splayed trying to get as much grip as possible so I could lewdly hump them, my little ass moving up and down in the air and grinding down. I panted hard, in effort, need, her feet becoming everything as they pushed upto meet me. Growling, writhing, a heaving beast her moans from above joining with mine... my balls tight and wanting release, til I thought I could take no more. Her feet already wet with the smeared precum as I slickly rubbed over them. Til finally.. finally, those breathed heavy words.... "cum for me pet". No need to hear them again, instantly like fire searing through me as I spasmed shaking and heaving lost in the act and smearing her feet with my emission, til I collapsed panting on her feet with a ringing in my ears.
"Oh dear what a mucky little puppy" she breathed, prodding at me with her sharp toes. Tipping me over to my side and lifting one foot to my face to see the mess I'd made. In my exhaustion, heart beating so fast, I lay there on my side as she pressed the foot against my open mouth, my tongue lapping against the top to lick off the wet gooey mess. Moving my head now to bathe her foot adoringly, each drop of cum and pre-cum, then just to roll my tongue over that beautiful beautiful skin... First one foot then the other, til finally, finally clean, nuzzling them now, tongue curling round between each toe, the need to adore my Owner taking the place of that animal lust.
"Puppy's DO make such a mess but they are such fun" she finally giggled as it started to tickle, scooping me up into her arms to cuddle.
I knew I should guess what she was thinking but I just couldn't get the significance of it. I took a deep breath and gulped, biting the bullet and looking up to meet her eyes. My throat was dry and I stuttered, finding it hard to get the words out. Why was asking something and admitting ones ignorance such a humbling experience? "Mistress", I gulped the word barely coming out "I don't understand". Her face softened at my words, a look of affection fleeting across it. She knew how hard that had been and she treasured me asking, warming to my vunerability. However, she was also hungry and the look which replaced it was one of eagerness. She leant forward, her hand slipping up to cup my balls, squeezing and lifting up so my cock jerked in the air. Gasping I looked down into her brightly shining eyes, straining to hear her barely whispered reply.
"Little puppy, don't you remember when you fucked this couch so desperately? You should do... you've acted like you wanted to hump my leg nearly everytime you've seen me since...". She let her words hang there in the air as my eyes widened, face going red in shock with the embarrassment of how obvious I was towards her, cock twitching of its own accord in the air with a little bead of precum suddenly expelled and rolling wetly down its length. My body gave the truth to her words without any possibility of denial, just as she knew it would. Of course I could remember it now, and the significance of her touch of the couch and her leg, all the puppy things around. I could remember that night when she sent me spinning into a dizzy haze and I frantically humped the couch like the desperate puppy I was. So wanting, so needing. Her little push all that was required to drive me to lose myself in the lust. She'd known what I was from the outset, somehow, way before I had. All I could do was mew and lean into her hand as she stroked beneath my balls, rolling them as she fed on my obvious arousal at the sting of teasing humiliation.
"Mmmmmm pet" she growled, thumb pushing upwards to press into the length of my shaft. I rocked against her, knowing that just confirmed what she'd said, how I'd do anything to rub against her flesh but being totally captivated by her. Her thumb stroked the skin of my cock as her fingers squeezed and relaxed against my balls. Each grip getting tighter. The pleasure from her caress turning the tightness into a delicious ache of wanting more, wanting her to squeeze hard. I just groaned incoherently leaning into her. She had other idea's though, her fingers wrapping round the leash and tugging downwards. I fell to my knee's as that tug travelled up to pull on my collar. She didn't stop though, she leaned forward, pulling lower. I spread my legs wide at first, trying to move down with her hand but that wasn't enough. Slipping onto all fours next to find balance, twisting to turn sideways onto her. Still lower though, dragging my crotch down til my hands and legs gave way and I lay sprawled on her feet.
She leaned back now, purring at my position, her foot pushing up into my stiff cock, playfully prodding and exploring with her toes. Cock, balls, pushing into into both and watching my ass wiggle desperately in the air for her as I groaned with lust. "Fuck them puppy" she growled, giving my ass an encouraging slap, the sting accenting her words. I'm sure there must have been a red hand print left on my pale skin, just as there was a mark left inside me by her words. I didn't need to be told twice, desperately twisting and writhing, rubbing my cock against her wonderful feet, thrusting against them with all my weight to dry and drag back the foreskin and build up the friction. I squirmed on the floor, arms and legs splayed trying to get as much grip as possible so I could lewdly hump them, my little ass moving up and down in the air and grinding down. I panted hard, in effort, need, her feet becoming everything as they pushed upto meet me. Growling, writhing, a heaving beast her moans from above joining with mine... my balls tight and wanting release, til I thought I could take no more. Her feet already wet with the smeared precum as I slickly rubbed over them. Til finally.. finally, those breathed heavy words.... "cum for me pet". No need to hear them again, instantly like fire searing through me as I spasmed shaking and heaving lost in the act and smearing her feet with my emission, til I collapsed panting on her feet with a ringing in my ears.
"Oh dear what a mucky little puppy" she breathed, prodding at me with her sharp toes. Tipping me over to my side and lifting one foot to my face to see the mess I'd made. In my exhaustion, heart beating so fast, I lay there on my side as she pressed the foot against my open mouth, my tongue lapping against the top to lick off the wet gooey mess. Moving my head now to bathe her foot adoringly, each drop of cum and pre-cum, then just to roll my tongue over that beautiful beautiful skin... First one foot then the other, til finally, finally clean, nuzzling them now, tongue curling round between each toe, the need to adore my Owner taking the place of that animal lust.
"Puppy's DO make such a mess but they are such fun" she finally giggled as it started to tickle, scooping me up into her arms to cuddle.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Leash (part 1)
Sometimes when you walk into a room you start to register things unconsciously. If you are used to the room you just know instinctively when something is out of place, or in this case added. It wasn't just that things were there... it was the seeming symmetry of them that spoke of a deliberateness, of a purpose. That was my first impression as I walked into her room. That little prickle at the back of my neck that spoke of an intention.
The look in her eyes as her head lifted to meet my gaze did nothing to disuade that first impression. It had such a determined innocence in it that I knew there were little cogs whirring in the back of her mind. Sweet yes, evil, most definitely, cranky, well occasionally (she is human, just deliciously so), but innocent? I tried to scan the room casually and the little grin on her lips as she saw my eyes dart around confirmed my suspicions. I gave a little sigh as my attempt at being smart as (as normal) foiled instantly by her knowing me too well. At least it made looking around easier as I didn't have to hide it. She was sitting up on the dark leather couch, leaning back watching me with that open mouthed grin, getting wider and wider as my eyes glanced here and there. Her fingers were idly stroking the material of the leather by her shapely thigh making it more difficult to not look just in that direction.
What could I see? I concentrated despite that lovely distraction. My collar, placed before her on the coffee table. Dog bowl down there on the floor, near her feet. Leash, coiled up on the arm of the other chair, within reach of her. Box of puppy biscuits (hand cooked by me) on the side table, a hair brush (for use of running through hair or spanking good pups) next to it. Both puppy treats. In fact all puppy things. I looked back at her quickly and she grinned more and I knew I had at least got the theme of her thoughts if not the intention. It was the oddest thing though what she was doing, alternatively running her fingers up and down the front of the couch and then forward to caress her calf again. The couch I could just about understand, just an idle thing to feel the leather under her fingers as she thought, but... her leg like that? Judging by the little musical chime of her laugh, the quizical look must have shown in my face. So it was intentional. But why?
I didn't have time to find out right then as she stood up, scooping up the collar as she did so, unclasping it and then closing it round my neck. The warmth of the leather, the coldness of the tag as it fell against the hollow of my neck, the softness of her fingers, the tightness, all of them conspiring to make my mind spin eliciting a purr from my lips as everything was forgotten and time stopped. "Easy now pet, not yet" she chuckled as her hands ran down my arms following the shiver. Her first words to me since I entered the room. She tugged my t-shirt off and then stopped, stepping back with that same knowing smile. Without breaking eye contact she reached behind, and grabbed the leash, snapping it into place on the collar with an experienced grace before just letting go. My eyes opened a little wider in shock as the sudden weight of the leash tugged at the collar, the leather falling against my chest.
Hey eyes followed the thin strip of the leash, reaching out to idly twiddle it as the loop at the end fell to hang just between my legs. She chuckled again and looked up. "Come on puppy, finish stripping, I've got nothing to hang this on". That drew the first flush from my cheeks, stopping quickly and trying to hurry to get my socks and trousers an underwear off and yet still fold them up in a neat pile on the floor. Hurrying while flustered is a sure way to get more flustered and sure enough I did, ending up hot and panting by the time I stood there naked. Her hand was at her lips now, laughing merrily to herself at my predicament. "There you go pup" she managed between her giggles as she caught the loop of the leash and slipped it over my hanging cock. "Don't drop it now" her grin wide again and her eyes glinting.
How does a pup react when standing naked except for his collar and leash in front of his Owner when something is suddenly dangled on his cock? He rises to the occasion, and I certainly did. Her grin was almost a leer as she watched me react as she knew I would, "Well, that will certainly make it easier pup!" she purred silkily, her fingers running over the loop and then oh so casually missing and up the hard flesh. Another purrr at the shudder that ran through me from the fire her fingers sent up my cock and body.
She sat back down again in her spot looking me up and down, the faintest hint of hunger visible now, her fingers tracing over her calf again in that strange way as she devoured me with her eyes.
The look in her eyes as her head lifted to meet my gaze did nothing to disuade that first impression. It had such a determined innocence in it that I knew there were little cogs whirring in the back of her mind. Sweet yes, evil, most definitely, cranky, well occasionally (she is human, just deliciously so), but innocent? I tried to scan the room casually and the little grin on her lips as she saw my eyes dart around confirmed my suspicions. I gave a little sigh as my attempt at being smart as (as normal) foiled instantly by her knowing me too well. At least it made looking around easier as I didn't have to hide it. She was sitting up on the dark leather couch, leaning back watching me with that open mouthed grin, getting wider and wider as my eyes glanced here and there. Her fingers were idly stroking the material of the leather by her shapely thigh making it more difficult to not look just in that direction.
What could I see? I concentrated despite that lovely distraction. My collar, placed before her on the coffee table. Dog bowl down there on the floor, near her feet. Leash, coiled up on the arm of the other chair, within reach of her. Box of puppy biscuits (hand cooked by me) on the side table, a hair brush (for use of running through hair or spanking good pups) next to it. Both puppy treats. In fact all puppy things. I looked back at her quickly and she grinned more and I knew I had at least got the theme of her thoughts if not the intention. It was the oddest thing though what she was doing, alternatively running her fingers up and down the front of the couch and then forward to caress her calf again. The couch I could just about understand, just an idle thing to feel the leather under her fingers as she thought, but... her leg like that? Judging by the little musical chime of her laugh, the quizical look must have shown in my face. So it was intentional. But why?
I didn't have time to find out right then as she stood up, scooping up the collar as she did so, unclasping it and then closing it round my neck. The warmth of the leather, the coldness of the tag as it fell against the hollow of my neck, the softness of her fingers, the tightness, all of them conspiring to make my mind spin eliciting a purr from my lips as everything was forgotten and time stopped. "Easy now pet, not yet" she chuckled as her hands ran down my arms following the shiver. Her first words to me since I entered the room. She tugged my t-shirt off and then stopped, stepping back with that same knowing smile. Without breaking eye contact she reached behind, and grabbed the leash, snapping it into place on the collar with an experienced grace before just letting go. My eyes opened a little wider in shock as the sudden weight of the leash tugged at the collar, the leather falling against my chest.
Hey eyes followed the thin strip of the leash, reaching out to idly twiddle it as the loop at the end fell to hang just between my legs. She chuckled again and looked up. "Come on puppy, finish stripping, I've got nothing to hang this on". That drew the first flush from my cheeks, stopping quickly and trying to hurry to get my socks and trousers an underwear off and yet still fold them up in a neat pile on the floor. Hurrying while flustered is a sure way to get more flustered and sure enough I did, ending up hot and panting by the time I stood there naked. Her hand was at her lips now, laughing merrily to herself at my predicament. "There you go pup" she managed between her giggles as she caught the loop of the leash and slipped it over my hanging cock. "Don't drop it now" her grin wide again and her eyes glinting.
How does a pup react when standing naked except for his collar and leash in front of his Owner when something is suddenly dangled on his cock? He rises to the occasion, and I certainly did. Her grin was almost a leer as she watched me react as she knew I would, "Well, that will certainly make it easier pup!" she purred silkily, her fingers running over the loop and then oh so casually missing and up the hard flesh. Another purrr at the shudder that ran through me from the fire her fingers sent up my cock and body.
She sat back down again in her spot looking me up and down, the faintest hint of hunger visible now, her fingers tracing over her calf again in that strange way as she devoured me with her eyes.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Church
I went to church with Mum this morning, as much for her company and to make sure she didn't feel compelled to stay at home with us as for going to church. I used to go regularly, before the troubles, and now this is one of those unresolved issues which I guess one day will find its own time to sort out in my little head. I have so many friends who are either gay, transgendered or otherwise in alternative lifestyles (like my dear family on alt or on IRC on bondage)... who love each other in so many incredible ways. How can that love be considered wrong when its one of the most positive things I've experienced in my life? I will find my own way, thats right for me.
Prickles
I've really enjoyed the time down at my parents (even if I have remained mysteriously socked throughout the stay...). I know the boy has loved it too. There is one thing I am really looking forward to when I get back home. Shaving!! Yes, one thing I did not think I wanted to do while here was shave ummm there, so after 5 days I have a definite case of the prickles which you notice as you walk, sit, move, ummm do anything at all really. Little sharp prickles digging into thigh and anywhere else they can is a very definite new form of CBT I wasn't expecting on this new years! It does keep you wriggling though!
It was the year...
So I've been thinking about how I would end my first year of blogging. A review of the year comes to mind and then my head starts talking in "grand voice over man" voice and my love of great SF programmes comes to mind and I hear the opening credits of Babylon 5 and start thinking "The year is 2006...". Anyway, ignoring my prediliction for melodrama... a few thoughts from 2006.
Favourite film: Cars, yes, I'm soppy. As I may have mentioned I love this film as it summed up one of my great lessons for the year. Slow down, stop trying to "get" somewhere and enjoy the road you are on. As a very very wise Lady (see, thats a promotion.... wise Lady is waaaay above friend) who is also a great friend (thats a GOOD thing btw) and my Mistress (and thats like a waaaaaaaaaaaay amazing thing) told me recently things don't stop changing until you die, so what we really HAVE to enjoy is the process. Thats a paraphrase I don't have the email with me of what she said as it was very succint and precise and very much her way of just dropping three or four words in your path that while small feel like a concrete roadblock as they have that much impact.
Favourite TV programme: Planet Earth. Just astoundingly beautiful and the BBC at its best. We live on such an amazing planet.
Favourite book: Thud, Terry Pratchett. I've been really really really bad this year about reading, and I haven't finished Wicked yet and Terry Pratchett's books are ALWAYS so much fun to read.
Favourite song: Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol. This is a heart stopping song and the moment the opening bars start I just have to stop and listen and give it my full attention. Its so heartfelt, so simple, so beautiful. It reminds me of a much loved friend who I sang it for in the back of her car while we toured Scotland in August. She might never feel the same way I feel for her, but thats not the point. I love her, and if she needs me, needs that safe place for a moment, she has it, no matter how much it may hurt when she feels safe and secure and carries on. It also reminds me of a beautiful friend I made this year who sang it in return for me. It totally humbles me someone could offer me something so precious. Thankyou Cuzi.
Favourite place: This was hard. My first thought was Loch Ness, or somewhere else in the Highlands. Walking along the river Nevis with the puppy. They were such a beautiful place. After thinking about it though... its East Ayrshire. Thats the place that felt like home when I returned to it. Walking along Troon beach knowing that I felt so much like I belonged there. That I wanted to be there not because of anyone, but because of the place.
Favourite memory: Again, this was hard... So as it's my blog and I'll cheat if I want to (you can sing that to the tune in my head, if you really must) and choose a couple.
The time in August in Scotland was such a bitter sweet time. It was the best holiday ever. I felt so privilaged to have my friends company for a week. For her to let me take her precious beagle pup out for long walks by myself knowing that pup means more to her than anything in the world. Walking along the river for four hours just me and the pup. It was as near to heaven as I've known. So many wonderful times with my boy as well, its hard to choose.
Time spent getting to know so many wonderful new friends around the world who have delighted me so many small little things which brought a smile to my face. To time spent with pheobe, Mistress, LadyM, Tracy, Kath, karen, Christine, wistan, Ms Jolie, T, MzA and so many others too numerous to mention. In person, on the phone, online or just in writing. Wonderful times.
A two part memory. One that started with Mistress places her collar on me and completed with a little shiny brass tag falling out of a white envelope into my hands. Thankyou Ma`am. Something I'd never have dreamed of, and something that always leaves me humbled with a "why me?" in my mind.
The boy, falling asleep with his head in my lap. Who could ask for more?
Things learnt:
This was a year of change, a year of consolidation, a year when I stopped looking back at something that wasn't really there, stopped being "her husband" and started to explore what was me instead. A year where I fought with bouts of depression and mostly won... came out more optimistically than I started anyway. A year where I not only started to accept my sexuality but started to enjoy and treasure it. A year of new friends and the hints of new possibilities. A year where I finally started to like my quirky little body just as it is and realise other people might like it a little too. A year where I stopped hating my voice and how it sounded and know some people kind of like to hear it and want to listen to me ramble. I've learnt that wisdom is nothing without experience, and experience can be only gained one way. The hard way. I've learnt that if you pick the right people they are wonderfully full of compasion, patience, time and energy despite their own woes. I've learnt survival is not the only option and depression doesn't last. I've learnt I like pain when its delivered in some delightful ways by a delicious person. I've learnt some good things this year and changed more, and in more positive ways, than maybe the negative ways during the 10 years I was married. I've learnt how wonderful it feels to create, even if its just these simple words here and how much bigger the world seems when you get over your head.
A hard year... but a pretty good one.
Favourite film: Cars, yes, I'm soppy. As I may have mentioned I love this film as it summed up one of my great lessons for the year. Slow down, stop trying to "get" somewhere and enjoy the road you are on. As a very very wise Lady (see, thats a promotion.... wise Lady is waaaay above friend) who is also a great friend (thats a GOOD thing btw) and my Mistress (and thats like a waaaaaaaaaaaay amazing thing) told me recently things don't stop changing until you die, so what we really HAVE to enjoy is the process. Thats a paraphrase I don't have the email with me of what she said as it was very succint and precise and very much her way of just dropping three or four words in your path that while small feel like a concrete roadblock as they have that much impact.
Favourite TV programme: Planet Earth. Just astoundingly beautiful and the BBC at its best. We live on such an amazing planet.
Favourite book: Thud, Terry Pratchett. I've been really really really bad this year about reading, and I haven't finished Wicked yet and Terry Pratchett's books are ALWAYS so much fun to read.
Favourite song: Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol. This is a heart stopping song and the moment the opening bars start I just have to stop and listen and give it my full attention. Its so heartfelt, so simple, so beautiful. It reminds me of a much loved friend who I sang it for in the back of her car while we toured Scotland in August. She might never feel the same way I feel for her, but thats not the point. I love her, and if she needs me, needs that safe place for a moment, she has it, no matter how much it may hurt when she feels safe and secure and carries on. It also reminds me of a beautiful friend I made this year who sang it in return for me. It totally humbles me someone could offer me something so precious. Thankyou Cuzi.
Favourite place: This was hard. My first thought was Loch Ness, or somewhere else in the Highlands. Walking along the river Nevis with the puppy. They were such a beautiful place. After thinking about it though... its East Ayrshire. Thats the place that felt like home when I returned to it. Walking along Troon beach knowing that I felt so much like I belonged there. That I wanted to be there not because of anyone, but because of the place.
Favourite memory: Again, this was hard... So as it's my blog and I'll cheat if I want to (you can sing that to the tune in my head, if you really must) and choose a couple.
The time in August in Scotland was such a bitter sweet time. It was the best holiday ever. I felt so privilaged to have my friends company for a week. For her to let me take her precious beagle pup out for long walks by myself knowing that pup means more to her than anything in the world. Walking along the river for four hours just me and the pup. It was as near to heaven as I've known. So many wonderful times with my boy as well, its hard to choose.
Time spent getting to know so many wonderful new friends around the world who have delighted me so many small little things which brought a smile to my face. To time spent with pheobe, Mistress, LadyM, Tracy, Kath, karen, Christine, wistan, Ms Jolie, T, MzA and so many others too numerous to mention. In person, on the phone, online or just in writing. Wonderful times.
A two part memory. One that started with Mistress places her collar on me and completed with a little shiny brass tag falling out of a white envelope into my hands. Thankyou Ma`am. Something I'd never have dreamed of, and something that always leaves me humbled with a "why me?" in my mind.
The boy, falling asleep with his head in my lap. Who could ask for more?
Things learnt:
This was a year of change, a year of consolidation, a year when I stopped looking back at something that wasn't really there, stopped being "her husband" and started to explore what was me instead. A year where I fought with bouts of depression and mostly won... came out more optimistically than I started anyway. A year where I not only started to accept my sexuality but started to enjoy and treasure it. A year of new friends and the hints of new possibilities. A year where I finally started to like my quirky little body just as it is and realise other people might like it a little too. A year where I stopped hating my voice and how it sounded and know some people kind of like to hear it and want to listen to me ramble. I've learnt that wisdom is nothing without experience, and experience can be only gained one way. The hard way. I've learnt that if you pick the right people they are wonderfully full of compasion, patience, time and energy despite their own woes. I've learnt survival is not the only option and depression doesn't last. I've learnt I like pain when its delivered in some delightful ways by a delicious person. I've learnt some good things this year and changed more, and in more positive ways, than maybe the negative ways during the 10 years I was married. I've learnt how wonderful it feels to create, even if its just these simple words here and how much bigger the world seems when you get over your head.
A hard year... but a pretty good one.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
That was fun...
...Oh no it wasn't... Oh yes it was!
Last night we went to the panto (oh no we didn't, oh yes we did... ok, I promise... thats the last time I will do that. There is something about Christmas-time that turns normally mild-mannered english-people into grinning fools who have to resort to responding to everything with the traditional panto audience shout out lines). My ex had won tickets from the local shopping mall so, despite the fact I'm down in Bournemouth with my boy at my parents for new year and she is all the way back in Farnborough, I said that was cool and I'd bring him back for the evening so we could all go. My Mum said she'd come too so it was nice, getting together as a family for the boy. I think I'm kind of glad I didn't think through about just how far it was though and just said yes.
We got there a little early as I wanted to make sure we didn't get caught in traffic as the weather started to get really bad (the afore mentioned rain and wind). This was really good though as the ex could show off how busy she had been sorting through the boys toys. You know how it is... She's been in that house just over a year. When she moved in it was the final "we aren't getting back together again" as we'd sold our old house and used the proceeds to buy her a house so her and the boy could start again with their own home. So things were just shoved into the small box/playroom and slowly got worse while she concentrated on the downstairs. With a little encouragement, and the little push that the boy now needed somewhere to setup the PC I bought him for Christmas, she decided to move stuff around upstairs and sort things through to give the small bedroom to the boy as his "sleeping" room (doubling up as a guest room if anyone came to stay), whereas his big room with the cabin bed (which he doesn't really use) would be the play room. If I ever stay over he can sleep up in that and I won't kill myself by treading on his toys when I get out of bed blindly in the morning ;-). It also means the PC is in a different room to his sleeping in, so when its time to STOP playing and go to bed, he will really go to bed.
I'm really pleased she decided to (let's ignore this was how I suggested she lay it out in the first place... I know it was hard for her when she moved in and it was important she make her own decisions). I'm kind of glad though that she felt she could ask my opinion when she decided to do this, knowing I'm not the type to do an "i told you so". It's good though as it kept her busy while I had the boy for the last few days so she didn't dwell on it. I have to do this every week so I know how empty the house feels when he's gone. Keeping busy is the best way past it.
She had done well and the little room was mostly clear and as we got there early she asked if I minded moving the wardrobe and his bed into the room then so she could get it all finished off before we got back on Monday. I took the bed apart and moved it over and the boy was really pleased, as well as amazed how big his playroom looked. He was plotting where he is going to put the computer desk on Monday when he goes back and I help him put it together. Its going to look really good and I know when she see's it all complete the ex will feel so proud of her house and be proud when his friends come over to play - that will do her a lot of good and the more her self-confidence is boosted, the happier she is.
I've always been a little well, dubious, about things like panto's. My natural shyness comes out and all the shouting and audience joining in I found uncomfortable. So I got there with that "grin and bare it" mentality. One of the so positive things about being on my own is you have to just do things, you have no one to hide behind. The ex (being so outgoing and talkative) both took away opportunities for me to stand out and also gave me excuses not to try. I know towards the end I just felt like "her husband" rather than "me". This last year has been very much about discovering who "me" is. I quickly got over that strange feeling of sitting next to her again, with her being so vocal and loud (its easy to slip into old patterns) and watched the boy and settled into being "me". I clapped and shouted back the traditional responses... Did "heads, shoulders knee's and toes" with the rest of the audience (and I have to say we were robbed, the boys and Dad's were DEFINITELY louder than the girls) and thoroughly enjoyed it both for watching the boys reaction and because, I just enjoyed it.
English panto is a very special thing. Very self-aware, very participative, full of little quirks of knowing innuendo, just a wonderful thing to behold. Think of Rocky Horror but for children (yes... I know so of course I should love panto when I stopped being so prissy and uptight, considering how much I love Rocky on stage). Unlike a lot of panto's which rely on big names, this was a small production of Beauty and the Beast (done panto style). The cast were excellent, all had amazing singing voices... better than many musical's I've been to. They were funny as hell, egging the audience on, shouting back and dragging them into the show with the laughed comments of "you know whats coming next" and "hang on, i've not got there yet, don't say my lines or I'll have nothing to do". They so obviously enjoyed it as much as we did being part of it. Pity the poor guy that the "evil ugly witch" picked on at the beginning, asking his name and then spent the rest of the panto blowing kisses at and cooing at him by name. The "ugly sister" a big black guy suitably hammed it up in drag, the good fairy suitably yummy, the bad villian suitably dashing and evil. All the proper ingrediants for a family panto.
I nearly choked laughing when the "good fairy" (with her long blonde flowing hair) flounced back onto stage dressed as a french maid with fishnet stockings and heels. Before she even managed to say "hello Mums and boys and girls, and Helloooooooooooo Dads" both Mum and the ex had given me one of "those" looks. I must be so obvious :P. Of course neither of them know whether I was looking at the girl or just purring at the outfit. Hey, its nice to admire it from more than one line of thought ;-).
It was great though and despite the terrifying drive home, and the aches and pains today from gripping so hard to keep the car on the road... It was a wonderful evening. Next year they are doing "The Wizard of Oz" panto style so you bet your ass I'll be there as I SOOOOO love that story. I'll resist and leave my ruby slippers at home though ;-).
That only leaves one thing for me... a wistful longing to see Rocky Horror again. Anyone wanting to go see it up in London before it moves off?
160 mile round trip in the pouring rain and horrible winds to go see a panto? "Petrol, £20. Drinks and sweets, £5. Deoderant needed from sheer fear of the drive, £2.50. The chance to scream out like a little kid at the cast and watch a little boys face while he did the same? Priceless".
Last night we went to the panto (oh no we didn't, oh yes we did... ok, I promise... thats the last time I will do that. There is something about Christmas-time that turns normally mild-mannered english-people into grinning fools who have to resort to responding to everything with the traditional panto audience shout out lines). My ex had won tickets from the local shopping mall so, despite the fact I'm down in Bournemouth with my boy at my parents for new year and she is all the way back in Farnborough, I said that was cool and I'd bring him back for the evening so we could all go. My Mum said she'd come too so it was nice, getting together as a family for the boy. I think I'm kind of glad I didn't think through about just how far it was though and just said yes.
We got there a little early as I wanted to make sure we didn't get caught in traffic as the weather started to get really bad (the afore mentioned rain and wind). This was really good though as the ex could show off how busy she had been sorting through the boys toys. You know how it is... She's been in that house just over a year. When she moved in it was the final "we aren't getting back together again" as we'd sold our old house and used the proceeds to buy her a house so her and the boy could start again with their own home. So things were just shoved into the small box/playroom and slowly got worse while she concentrated on the downstairs. With a little encouragement, and the little push that the boy now needed somewhere to setup the PC I bought him for Christmas, she decided to move stuff around upstairs and sort things through to give the small bedroom to the boy as his "sleeping" room (doubling up as a guest room if anyone came to stay), whereas his big room with the cabin bed (which he doesn't really use) would be the play room. If I ever stay over he can sleep up in that and I won't kill myself by treading on his toys when I get out of bed blindly in the morning ;-). It also means the PC is in a different room to his sleeping in, so when its time to STOP playing and go to bed, he will really go to bed.
I'm really pleased she decided to (let's ignore this was how I suggested she lay it out in the first place... I know it was hard for her when she moved in and it was important she make her own decisions). I'm kind of glad though that she felt she could ask my opinion when she decided to do this, knowing I'm not the type to do an "i told you so". It's good though as it kept her busy while I had the boy for the last few days so she didn't dwell on it. I have to do this every week so I know how empty the house feels when he's gone. Keeping busy is the best way past it.
She had done well and the little room was mostly clear and as we got there early she asked if I minded moving the wardrobe and his bed into the room then so she could get it all finished off before we got back on Monday. I took the bed apart and moved it over and the boy was really pleased, as well as amazed how big his playroom looked. He was plotting where he is going to put the computer desk on Monday when he goes back and I help him put it together. Its going to look really good and I know when she see's it all complete the ex will feel so proud of her house and be proud when his friends come over to play - that will do her a lot of good and the more her self-confidence is boosted, the happier she is.
I've always been a little well, dubious, about things like panto's. My natural shyness comes out and all the shouting and audience joining in I found uncomfortable. So I got there with that "grin and bare it" mentality. One of the so positive things about being on my own is you have to just do things, you have no one to hide behind. The ex (being so outgoing and talkative) both took away opportunities for me to stand out and also gave me excuses not to try. I know towards the end I just felt like "her husband" rather than "me". This last year has been very much about discovering who "me" is. I quickly got over that strange feeling of sitting next to her again, with her being so vocal and loud (its easy to slip into old patterns) and watched the boy and settled into being "me". I clapped and shouted back the traditional responses... Did "heads, shoulders knee's and toes" with the rest of the audience (and I have to say we were robbed, the boys and Dad's were DEFINITELY louder than the girls) and thoroughly enjoyed it both for watching the boys reaction and because, I just enjoyed it.
English panto is a very special thing. Very self-aware, very participative, full of little quirks of knowing innuendo, just a wonderful thing to behold. Think of Rocky Horror but for children (yes... I know so of course I should love panto when I stopped being so prissy and uptight, considering how much I love Rocky on stage). Unlike a lot of panto's which rely on big names, this was a small production of Beauty and the Beast (done panto style). The cast were excellent, all had amazing singing voices... better than many musical's I've been to. They were funny as hell, egging the audience on, shouting back and dragging them into the show with the laughed comments of "you know whats coming next" and "hang on, i've not got there yet, don't say my lines or I'll have nothing to do". They so obviously enjoyed it as much as we did being part of it. Pity the poor guy that the "evil ugly witch" picked on at the beginning, asking his name and then spent the rest of the panto blowing kisses at and cooing at him by name. The "ugly sister" a big black guy suitably hammed it up in drag, the good fairy suitably yummy, the bad villian suitably dashing and evil. All the proper ingrediants for a family panto.
I nearly choked laughing when the "good fairy" (with her long blonde flowing hair) flounced back onto stage dressed as a french maid with fishnet stockings and heels. Before she even managed to say "hello Mums and boys and girls, and Helloooooooooooo Dads" both Mum and the ex had given me one of "those" looks. I must be so obvious :P. Of course neither of them know whether I was looking at the girl or just purring at the outfit. Hey, its nice to admire it from more than one line of thought ;-).
It was great though and despite the terrifying drive home, and the aches and pains today from gripping so hard to keep the car on the road... It was a wonderful evening. Next year they are doing "The Wizard of Oz" panto style so you bet your ass I'll be there as I SOOOOO love that story. I'll resist and leave my ruby slippers at home though ;-).
That only leaves one thing for me... a wistful longing to see Rocky Horror again. Anyone wanting to go see it up in London before it moves off?
160 mile round trip in the pouring rain and horrible winds to go see a panto? "Petrol, £20. Drinks and sweets, £5. Deoderant needed from sheer fear of the drive, £2.50. The chance to scream out like a little kid at the cast and watch a little boys face while he did the same? Priceless".
Spray
OK, so while there are some types of spray that maybe fun, spray from other cars is *not* one of them. So a polite, impassioned, plee to all those drivers out there. When you are driving along at 11pm on a night with driving rain, gusty winds, and generally dreadful visibility... When you overtake that little car thats bumbling along a little slower as the occupant is quietly terrified at how light his car is and how its being hit so hard by the side winds.... Please, please, PLEASE when you overtake on that completely empty motorway, don't just cut in straight in front of it when you've overtaken. You don't need to, the road ahead is empty. Please give it a decent amount of space when you pull over, if not - on a wet road like that all you do is completely atomise all the standing water and send it spraying up in a fog over the poor git behind (me). You really don't need to pull in one car length ahead of me :)
Thankyou!
Thankyou!
Friday, December 29, 2006
The pleasure is in the journey
Mum, Dad, boy and I all sat and watched 'Cars' last night as the boy had got it on DVD. The boy decided to make it into a big presentation thing and prepared lots of little nibbles set out on the table for us to eat during the movie and we were informed it was ok, there would be an intermission half way through for drinks and bathroom breaks. We were treated to his sale spiel when he informed us that the DVD was now available in all good stores and we could go find it after we'd seen the film. The boy somberly turned out the lights so we could get the full movie experience. Dad promptly fell asleep through the first half of the film as it was dark.
I love this film (as well as the music in it, note to self... borrow DVD off the boy just so I can listen to that soundtrack in surround sound). OK so I love Disney anyway. OK so I *LOVE* PIXAR and have to admit they sound like just such a fun company to work for. But but but I love their movies with a passion. They are just so warm and HUMAN and the characters and stories just pull at the heart. Please don't ask how many times I saw the Incredibles *blush* and was kinda hmmmm and iffy when I saw the trailers for Cars, but its just a brilliant film. I guess I identify with it a lot... not with the selfish side of him, but with the whole... rushing ever onwards treating the goal as the thing. I admit, at the end I cried (again), just a little and it was dark so I am sure it was just ummm a cold or how bright the TV was in my eyes. Yes, thats it. I also found myself welling up a lil when John Lassiter was talking (on the featurette) about his inspiration for the film, where he rediscovered how to be close to his kids by just enjoying the meandering journey through life.
Yes, I'm mushy as hell. *grin*
I love this film (as well as the music in it, note to self... borrow DVD off the boy just so I can listen to that soundtrack in surround sound). OK so I love Disney anyway. OK so I *LOVE* PIXAR and have to admit they sound like just such a fun company to work for. But but but I love their movies with a passion. They are just so warm and HUMAN and the characters and stories just pull at the heart. Please don't ask how many times I saw the Incredibles *blush* and was kinda hmmmm and iffy when I saw the trailers for Cars, but its just a brilliant film. I guess I identify with it a lot... not with the selfish side of him, but with the whole... rushing ever onwards treating the goal as the thing. I admit, at the end I cried (again), just a little and it was dark so I am sure it was just ummm a cold or how bright the TV was in my eyes. Yes, thats it. I also found myself welling up a lil when John Lassiter was talking (on the featurette) about his inspiration for the film, where he rediscovered how to be close to his kids by just enjoying the meandering journey through life.
Yes, I'm mushy as hell. *grin*
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Ooooops
I feel terribly guilty. Well ok now I don't feel guilty, but I did feel a kind of pang of honesty.... (well, it may have been indigestion, I'm not really sure... I'm not used to what honesty feels like now) but it was a real genuine mistake and somehow I can't bring myself to feel too bad about it now (not considering I bought the boy's PC in that shop before Christmas and I've seen how much they've been reduced in the sales).
Dad and I popped to well known UK PC store earlier to look around. I picked up a 1gb usb flash pen very cheap and Dad spoiled the boy by getting him a verrrrrrrrrrry good webcam so we can both see him (Hmmmm at that webcam, its SO much clearer than mine and we all know how much I love webcams *blush*... it follows you and every, its so tempting!!!). I wanted to get the boy a nice chair for the Computer Desk that my parents gave him for Christmas. We saw a nice swivel adjustable chair with arms and it was a bargain at 15 pound. Only thing though they only had black, not blue. Oh well we said, and bought two. One for the boy, one for Dad. We got to the til and they registered at 35pound EACH! Oh no we said... it had a big reduced sign on the example chair, and it did, we showed them! The black chair on display said reduced to 15. The nice man on the til punched in the override and cut it down to 30pound for the pair, as we thought.
As we got out the store we kinda hmmmed a little about it as someone had whispered in Dad's ear just after we left that he thought that was only for the blue ones... but we couldnt see the colour making THAT much difference in price. Well, we checked up on the web when we got home and sure enough... Blue office char, out of stock.. reduced from 30pound to 15. Black office chair, in stock... 35pounds. Guess someone must have moved the price sign when they sold the last one!
Well it was a genuine mistake and all credit to the store for being so good as to just reduce the price like that at the til, and the little boy is very very happy!! Plus it serves them right for trying to charge us 35 quid for 15m network cable that I ended up buy for 5quid on ebay!!!
Dad and I popped to well known UK PC store earlier to look around. I picked up a 1gb usb flash pen very cheap and Dad spoiled the boy by getting him a verrrrrrrrrrry good webcam so we can both see him (Hmmmm at that webcam, its SO much clearer than mine and we all know how much I love webcams *blush*... it follows you and every, its so tempting!!!). I wanted to get the boy a nice chair for the Computer Desk that my parents gave him for Christmas. We saw a nice swivel adjustable chair with arms and it was a bargain at 15 pound. Only thing though they only had black, not blue. Oh well we said, and bought two. One for the boy, one for Dad. We got to the til and they registered at 35pound EACH! Oh no we said... it had a big reduced sign on the example chair, and it did, we showed them! The black chair on display said reduced to 15. The nice man on the til punched in the override and cut it down to 30pound for the pair, as we thought.
As we got out the store we kinda hmmmed a little about it as someone had whispered in Dad's ear just after we left that he thought that was only for the blue ones... but we couldnt see the colour making THAT much difference in price. Well, we checked up on the web when we got home and sure enough... Blue office char, out of stock.. reduced from 30pound to 15. Black office chair, in stock... 35pounds. Guess someone must have moved the price sign when they sold the last one!
Well it was a genuine mistake and all credit to the store for being so good as to just reduce the price like that at the til, and the little boy is very very happy!! Plus it serves them right for trying to charge us 35 quid for 15m network cable that I ended up buy for 5quid on ebay!!!
Sunshine
Yesterday, on the drive down to my parents, I saw sunshine for the first time in two weeks! I'd kind of forgotten just how bright it was (as I fumbled around in a traffic jam trying to change my normal glasses for my prescription sunglasses so I could actually see). OK, so it only lasted about half hour and was gone by the time we got here, but it was a welcome sight. The UK can be so grey in winter...
It was actually nice to see my sister for once, as she was still down here doing the handover of which sibling my parents had for Christmas. Her kids are a little older now and so more fun. Her eldest boy is still a bit of a well, odd, little one, but her youngest is the most adorable little boy who was two in October. He was running around with a big smile getting under feet, peeking up out of no where, hugging, kissing, getting his funny little words mixed up, crying, screaming and doing all the other totally adorable things two year olds do. Made me smile a lot as he reminded me of a friends little girl who is just a little younger, so I kissed the hell out of him and his sweet little pout when he pulled a cracker and he didn't get the bit with the present in. Well, you have to get the kisses in where you can.
I'm almost wishing I brought my laptop down now though, I really didn't sleep well last night and didn't want to put the TV on or come outside in case I disturbed anyone else. The break from using a computer all the time will do me good though. (Shhhhh this doesn't count, this is known as updating my blog for sanity purposes while "investigating my parents new DVD's").
So now, sipping my latte made with the lovely coffee machine my parents bought me... and trying not to yawn too much.
It was actually nice to see my sister for once, as she was still down here doing the handover of which sibling my parents had for Christmas. Her kids are a little older now and so more fun. Her eldest boy is still a bit of a well, odd, little one, but her youngest is the most adorable little boy who was two in October. He was running around with a big smile getting under feet, peeking up out of no where, hugging, kissing, getting his funny little words mixed up, crying, screaming and doing all the other totally adorable things two year olds do. Made me smile a lot as he reminded me of a friends little girl who is just a little younger, so I kissed the hell out of him and his sweet little pout when he pulled a cracker and he didn't get the bit with the present in. Well, you have to get the kisses in where you can.
I'm almost wishing I brought my laptop down now though, I really didn't sleep well last night and didn't want to put the TV on or come outside in case I disturbed anyone else. The break from using a computer all the time will do me good though. (Shhhhh this doesn't count, this is known as updating my blog for sanity purposes while "investigating my parents new DVD's").
So now, sipping my latte made with the lovely coffee machine my parents bought me... and trying not to yawn too much.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Puppy nails
Just because its Christmas and because I'm away now for a few days at my parents (yes, I know... I need to practice more, don't worry... I have all of 2007 to get it right!)
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Boxing day, how appropriate
Today was one of those days which brings you back to a point in time you really don't want to be. Also one of those days that makes you say roll on two years so I can file for divorce and really *relish* saying "the-ex".
When I got to the ex's to spend the morning with them she was quiet, she had tummy ache and hadn't slept well (as she had stayed over at her parents) so was quiet and a little crabbit. I left her to it and just played with the boy while she went upstairs. It was ok til her parents turned up with the bike she bought the boy and then it got awkward. She got very uptight and childish... Started asking over and over again if the bike was too small while they adjusted the seat, and increasingly stressed and uptight about whether it was too small. She started getting crankier in how she spoke, bitchy harsh comments... I did not like the way she spoke to the boy when she thought he had trod mud into the front room so I took him upstairs for a minute while they adjusted the bike. This kind of went on until after they had gone when we had a very childish comment of "I'll just have to sell the bike and then try and buy a new one" when we'd all said it was just fine. I said I had better go and got the retort of "if you go you aren't coming back and we'll deal with it all through the courts". Lovely.
So she went upstairs to sulk when they had gone, ummm i mean to go rest as her tummy hurt and the boy and I played before he fell asleep on my lap til she came down after she had slept too and we had lunch. The thing that cut me up most though was when the boy said "he really wasn't used to this anymore", meaning the arguing. I should take that as a good thing... that he knows it doesn't happen anymore, yet at the time it just felt so bad that we had put him through all that for so long.
I don't like that place it puts me when she is in that sort of mood. She bitched I didn't talk to her parents, well she always bitched I didn't talk to people... but you try talking to anyone when your wife makes you feel like every word you say is wrong or stupid or going to cause an argument.
Roll on August. I just worry sometimes what she is like with the boy when I'm not around. He seems ok though, I do watch out for what he says.
When I got to the ex's to spend the morning with them she was quiet, she had tummy ache and hadn't slept well (as she had stayed over at her parents) so was quiet and a little crabbit. I left her to it and just played with the boy while she went upstairs. It was ok til her parents turned up with the bike she bought the boy and then it got awkward. She got very uptight and childish... Started asking over and over again if the bike was too small while they adjusted the seat, and increasingly stressed and uptight about whether it was too small. She started getting crankier in how she spoke, bitchy harsh comments... I did not like the way she spoke to the boy when she thought he had trod mud into the front room so I took him upstairs for a minute while they adjusted the bike. This kind of went on until after they had gone when we had a very childish comment of "I'll just have to sell the bike and then try and buy a new one" when we'd all said it was just fine. I said I had better go and got the retort of "if you go you aren't coming back and we'll deal with it all through the courts". Lovely.
So she went upstairs to sulk when they had gone, ummm i mean to go rest as her tummy hurt and the boy and I played before he fell asleep on my lap til she came down after she had slept too and we had lunch. The thing that cut me up most though was when the boy said "he really wasn't used to this anymore", meaning the arguing. I should take that as a good thing... that he knows it doesn't happen anymore, yet at the time it just felt so bad that we had put him through all that for so long.
I don't like that place it puts me when she is in that sort of mood. She bitched I didn't talk to her parents, well she always bitched I didn't talk to people... but you try talking to anyone when your wife makes you feel like every word you say is wrong or stupid or going to cause an argument.
Roll on August. I just worry sometimes what she is like with the boy when I'm not around. He seems ok though, I do watch out for what he says.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Lonely pokemon
Today I learnt something from pokemon.
Yes, scary huh. The boys mum bought him Pokemon Blue Rescue for Christmas for his Nintendo DS and we were setting it up. It started with a personality quiz to decide what pokemon he was.
From his answers it told him that he was kind of lonely... that he loved being around people and thats why he was sometimes lonely, because he wanted and needed to be with people - that when he wasn't, it made him a little down. It then said, and I found this incredible, "It's ok when you feel a little down and lonely, its not bad its just a reminder how much you want to be with people".
Apart from the shock that the boy is SO like me... I was quietly stunned at that little bit of insight... to me.
Thankyou pokemon.
Yes, scary huh. The boys mum bought him Pokemon Blue Rescue for Christmas for his Nintendo DS and we were setting it up. It started with a personality quiz to decide what pokemon he was.
From his answers it told him that he was kind of lonely... that he loved being around people and thats why he was sometimes lonely, because he wanted and needed to be with people - that when he wasn't, it made him a little down. It then said, and I found this incredible, "It's ok when you feel a little down and lonely, its not bad its just a reminder how much you want to be with people".
Apart from the shock that the boy is SO like me... I was quietly stunned at that little bit of insight... to me.
Thankyou pokemon.
Magical Christmas
We had a great Christmas. Yesterday going to Church for the Christingle service. It was lovely, sitting together as a family even though we are not together, getting lots of cuddles from the boy. The really cute girl dressed up as an angel (except all in black, with piercings) two rows in front didn't hurt. I had to laugh, my ex just turned to me and gave me a look when she walked in and sat down a little late. She knows my tastes far too well!
The boy was very over-excited but fell asleep really quickly when we got him to bed. He even managed to sleep in til 8am by some amazing fluke. The boy was just a delight and we had a wonderful morning. He loved all his presents and was so excited over the smallest thing he was given. It was lovely to see. He was shocked when he opened the PC and once it had settled in he kept saying over and over how much he loved his new PC and giving me hugs. We sat and played with it for a little and I showed him how to do some of the things on it, he wanted to watch tv on that rather than the proper TV :). The ex had to pop out for a bit so he and I had some lovely time just to ourselves playing with some of his things.
Now we'll have to get his bedroom sorted out so he can get it all setup, its an incentive for him to get his toys sorted out ;-). We had a good morning and it was very relaxed and just nice being together the three of us. When it came to 1pm they had to go off to her parents for dinner so it was time to come home. Yesterday her parents asked if I wanted to come for dinner. It was really sweet of them to ask and I am really touched. Unfortunately with it being so late it was hard to plan anything or find out what time it was going to be (or even get used to the idea). I'd had a really great time and I didn't want to spoil it or intrude on their time, or get involved in any conflicts on their family.Plus, no one was quite sure when lunch was going to be and I really do not like driving back in the dark, so... I said thankyou so much and took my flask of coffee and went walking for a wonderful hour and a half in the hills.
It was a great day, and the happiest Christmas I can remember. Its the first one I can remember without an argument.
I miss him like hell now, of course, and feel a lil sensitive and lost... but just til tomorrow when I see him again.
The boy was very over-excited but fell asleep really quickly when we got him to bed. He even managed to sleep in til 8am by some amazing fluke. The boy was just a delight and we had a wonderful morning. He loved all his presents and was so excited over the smallest thing he was given. It was lovely to see. He was shocked when he opened the PC and once it had settled in he kept saying over and over how much he loved his new PC and giving me hugs. We sat and played with it for a little and I showed him how to do some of the things on it, he wanted to watch tv on that rather than the proper TV :). The ex had to pop out for a bit so he and I had some lovely time just to ourselves playing with some of his things.
Now we'll have to get his bedroom sorted out so he can get it all setup, its an incentive for him to get his toys sorted out ;-). We had a good morning and it was very relaxed and just nice being together the three of us. When it came to 1pm they had to go off to her parents for dinner so it was time to come home. Yesterday her parents asked if I wanted to come for dinner. It was really sweet of them to ask and I am really touched. Unfortunately with it being so late it was hard to plan anything or find out what time it was going to be (or even get used to the idea). I'd had a really great time and I didn't want to spoil it or intrude on their time, or get involved in any conflicts on their family.Plus, no one was quite sure when lunch was going to be and I really do not like driving back in the dark, so... I said thankyou so much and took my flask of coffee and went walking for a wonderful hour and a half in the hills.
It was a great day, and the happiest Christmas I can remember. Its the first one I can remember without an argument.
I miss him like hell now, of course, and feel a lil sensitive and lost... but just til tomorrow when I see him again.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Expectations
A friend of mine was telling me it really didn't feel like Christmas. She's just moved to the Philipines and all the foods are different, she can't get anything she'd normally get for a traditional Christmas and everything is just... strange. It's made her feel displaced and awkward for not feeling like she should. The fact its not cold makes it strange as well.
It made me think... expectations. Last year I still wanted the Christmas we'd always had and I couldn't have it. We had got back from a family holiday in Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Day itself. It had been a good holiday on the whole... we had booked it before the seperation and decided to make the most of it and go through with it. After presents, I went home... and well got very drunk because it hurt too much. I sobered up the next day some time.
This Christmas, I avoided thinking about it much... but I actually quite like it now. The expectations I had last year are gone. Thinking about it more clearly, they were based on things I remembered as a kid, being around my family and being wanted and happy. This never happened when I was married. Every year was the same, uptightness, stress, the ex getting upset by her family and feeling in the middle of it all and then finally kind of surviving the tenseness. Last year I had expectations for something that had never been there... so every year it was always going to be a disappointment.
This year. This year I've not expected anything. I've spoiled those I love and had a wonderful time choosing those special gifts just for very special people. I hope they enjoyed receiving them as much as I enjoyed giving them. I've got to see my boy lots. I will get to see my parents. So, my expectations have changed... and the Christmas I have now seems kind of nice. No big Christmas dinner, no big family thing, just little bits of time to be with those that matter to me. Kinda cool.
So tonight, I'm going to pamper myself. Cuddle up and watch tv. Bath. Shave. Look at the little bottle of nail varnish I bought today to spoil myself and *purrrrrrr*
Happy Christmas everyone.
It made me think... expectations. Last year I still wanted the Christmas we'd always had and I couldn't have it. We had got back from a family holiday in Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Day itself. It had been a good holiday on the whole... we had booked it before the seperation and decided to make the most of it and go through with it. After presents, I went home... and well got very drunk because it hurt too much. I sobered up the next day some time.
This Christmas, I avoided thinking about it much... but I actually quite like it now. The expectations I had last year are gone. Thinking about it more clearly, they were based on things I remembered as a kid, being around my family and being wanted and happy. This never happened when I was married. Every year was the same, uptightness, stress, the ex getting upset by her family and feeling in the middle of it all and then finally kind of surviving the tenseness. Last year I had expectations for something that had never been there... so every year it was always going to be a disappointment.
This year. This year I've not expected anything. I've spoiled those I love and had a wonderful time choosing those special gifts just for very special people. I hope they enjoyed receiving them as much as I enjoyed giving them. I've got to see my boy lots. I will get to see my parents. So, my expectations have changed... and the Christmas I have now seems kind of nice. No big Christmas dinner, no big family thing, just little bits of time to be with those that matter to me. Kinda cool.
So tonight, I'm going to pamper myself. Cuddle up and watch tv. Bath. Shave. Look at the little bottle of nail varnish I bought today to spoil myself and *purrrrrrr*
Happy Christmas everyone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)