The week that was

This is kind of out of order as its been a strange week. However, the second night at my ex's (Tues) was so much better. The boy was more relaxed, more settled how things were, which made her more at ease as she didn't react against it. I got busy and sorted out getting the TV aerial cabled into his bedroom, into the TV tuner card into his PC. After messing around I also managed to get the signal in her bedroom better too which generally put me in everyones good books.

The boy and I curled up for the evening watching half of how the Grinch stole Christmas and he went to bed on time without any grumbles. It was nice, but in hindsight it is very noticable just how much, even being there and enjoying being around "family", I kind of deliberately avoided being near her for too long. She and I get on so much better outside the confines of a single house. So, while Wednesday I found it really hard being alone again. No fear, I know I am better off away from her.

I was awake first in the morning and the boy came in wearing his pj's (no matter how grownup in the day they look, in pj's he looks so soft and cuddly and like my little boy again). He was rubbing his eyes and yawning and smiling and cuddled me curled up in the chair next to me and
it was all just perfect. I loved taking him to school again.

The next day, as shown... Was weird. The course finished early (it was a good course) and came home and it was nice to be home. I guess as I tired and unwound and the darker thoughts started to settle and I started to feel lonely, which led to the overnight thoughts. I am glad of the blog though. That did help. While I slept as badly as normal, it was good to be in work if more than a little stressful. Good to see some of the people anyway. Unfortunately, I had had work planned for all day (an upgrade, the only day it could be done in work hours) and that was on my mind the night before, as well as some politics going on. Well the politics went on and I got dragged in pointlessly which delayed me starting til 1pm. Since it had been planned all day I knew that I'd have to finish off at home which was annoying but ok. So I left the server patching when I left work, to pick up at home. When I got home and rebooted the server it then decided not to reboot. At that point I was very close to bursting into tears. I was tired (I think I'd been up since 5am again), things were not going well and I had a long long night ahead. A friend phoned and I was very short with her, well not nasty at her, just uncommunicative because I knew if i did let go I would just crumple in a heap and I had so much to get done that night, so much to get fixed. I know it was hard on her, it was obvious by how short my replies were and the tone of my voice how upset I was, but I couldnt say anything really as then I'd lose my grip on it and not be able to function. When I'm happy and up I tend to ramble, animatedly with lots of tone in my voice. When I'm not I am very quiet, terse, flat. So its kind of obvious. The same happens in my face I am told, from a big grin to nothing.

After that, I gave myself a little break talking online with another friend. That was a little easier, being words rather than voice, it let me dethrost a little, I could also concentrate on her and give myself that space I needed to let my tension dissipate. Its one thing I've learnt, if I am stressed or uptight the best thing for me is to be able to love someone else, it brings out a much nicer part of me, and brings me to that point I can put some of that back on myself (or can let others love me again). So if anyone out there thanks me for caring them... then NO, thank YOU for letting me love you. It makes me such a better person and I am very very grateful you let me. I need to be able to give love and affection, I can't survive without it.

I had the server back to the point I could actually start work by 9pm. I had the upgrade finished by midnight. I crawled into bed so tired but relieved.

Friday proved to be a really good day at work. I didn't exactly sleep well again, but I got to woke a little hyper manic, maybe from tiredness or maybe from relief. I had meetings on and off all day, but they were good ones... a new project which we were being involved with fairly early on and without the design teaming being present it meant we could raise our real operational issues without anyone getting in the way. It may also force the hand on some frustrations we have had with getting sponsorship for some upgrades in Solaris. It was a good day. It makes me wonder, as always, whats the difference between today days like that? One good, one awful. I don't like that see-sawing, there must be a balance. I did get to chat with my friend again though, and she was much relieved to hear me more lively.

That brings us upto Sat morning. Another restless night, waking every few hours. I woke up Sat and could have just stayed and napped, I was so tired. But, no time... had to get the house tidied and then go get the boy, so a 90mile round trip. I got myself fairly quickly frustrated and groused at Mistress about it. Tired so don't want to do anything, but have the boy and want to make the most of it. Want to be quiet, but don't want to waste the time with him. I feel guilty, and frustrated. She made me breathe and take a step back and I went to get him if not happy, at least calmer as I knew I was on the edge of getting myself down. I had got about 5 miles into the drive when I stopped the car and left a message saying I was going to go see the Doctors next week about my sleeping. Its been the whole of winter now that I've not slept properly. I mean I never slept that well before if I was stressed or upset, but for all of winter... well i can't think of one night I've slept through. Its either been waking at 4am and not back to sleep (or earlier) or waking every 2 hrs and being awake a little then nap, then wake, and nap. Never rested the next day. With the boy at weekends, there is no chance to lay in really... so it catches up with me. I know so many can't sleep, and I so sympathise with you. Without naps as well... I get weary, lose energy, get frustrated, find things harder to handle, get overwhelmed, start looking at the negative not positive, lose interest in things. Then I get ill, lose my appetite and its a vicious circle. So I am going to make an appointment with the doctor. Last night for instance i must have woken about 5 times and had a nightmare too. I was in bed a long time, and i guess slept a fair chunk but, do I feel rested? No.

So, I will go to the doctors which is like a last resort to me as I have a real issue with them after trying to get help with my ex's depression for five years. Why did I stop the car and tell her then and there? Well it means I can't chicken out or change my mind or make excuses now. I will go, despite disliking them and distrusting them. That left me feeling a lot more positive for the day, as I'd made a choice. I was glad of that, so very very glad considering what state my ex was in when I got there.