Good night

Back home again. Two nights of being with the boy, two nights of coming home almost to a family again.

Tonight it feels a struggle. I went to bed early, lay there and started thinking dark thoughts. Thoughts that are coming from the missing him, from missing being around family, from knowing my parents are now 5000 miles away in Arizona for three months, from feeling suddenly lost again. Thoughts of the day at work tomorrow that I already know from checking my work email is going to be a nightmare after the three days away, and the tension I can feel in my back at just the thought of it. I know in my head this is coming from all those mixed up feelings of the transition again to being here on my own, from worry, from lonliness, from all these things. I know its Thurs tomorrow, so only two more days before I have him again. I know that in my head, but I can't feel that at the moment so those dark thoughts come out. All the so very not nice things I say to myself. The ones that make me want to shrug and just give up because there is really no point trying to be any different and to slink away into a hole. The ones that hurt so badly inside.

So what do I do? I blog. I get out of bed and I blog. I get my ass out of that little stupour, those nasty little words that just started going round my head and I blog. I sit and write down whats in my head so I can go back and sleep and leave them here as I don't need those feelings, I don't want them.

So here they are and here they will stay, and back to bed with this one. Good night, I hope.