Bad news

I don't really know how to write this post, so I guess just as it comes. This blog feels very much "I, I, I" which sounds bad as she is the one thats got this on her plate but, frankly... this is my blog and I've spent the evening being cheerful and encouraging for her and the boy so this is where I get to curl up and let it out, so I can keep doing that, can keep reminding myself why and how things as they are, so we can keep getting this right.

I'm glad I offered to go to the hospital with her. Sometimes its hard to know what the right thing to do is, you know? How far does one involve oneself without getting too involved? When is too much? When do you let someone handle things on their own. There are good reasons I'm single now. We were so wrong for each other. She is not a bad person and she is a good mother, but the relationship WAS abusive. Physically and emotionally abusive. She couldn't handle frustrations and that led to her anger and temper and that led to bad things. So, I'm always wary of when things are hard for her. Its taken me a long time to get where I am and stop repeating those things to myself long, long, after I left and so she stopped.

I can't get too involved or make the mistake of trying to make things better for her and then end up the target of it, then we would be back to where we were. Where we are is a much better face. Friends but, if she gets uptight we have that distance between us which means she has to handle it and cope on her own two feet and get through it. I can walk away. That sounds cold and hard and in a way it probably is, but I've seen how much better and stronger she is for having to do it. So I can encourage and support, provide practical assistance and show I care but... Damn thats hard, you know? When you just want to hold and cuddle and try and stop it hurting to badly. I know though the reason I can care so much now is because I've defrosted from how I was. So the middle ground we have to find.

So, we went to the hospital and I said I'd wait with the boy in the waiting room and not come in. A lot of me did want to go in with her, so someone else could hear what was said, say it back to her. Its very hard to hear everything when you are upset, hard to concentrate and know all that is said. On the other hand, I didn't want the boy to hear... and I wanted that "I'm here for you, when you need me" detachment. I felt pretty torn. The consultant was running an hour late so we had to wait, which made her more nervous. She came out fighting away tears so I knew it wasn't great news.

I could see she needed space to get what had been said a little more into her head, so after hugging her and letting her cry a little and making sure she knew she wasn't alone I offered to take them out to the pub for dinner. She was grateful, the boy was obviously worried about his mum and it gave her room to get a bit more composed while the boy chattered away to cover his edginess. I also knew she really wasn't in a state to go home and cook for them both.

When we got back to her place I put him in his bedroom to play for a little so she and I could talk over what the consultant had said. Apparently this showed up on her biopsy under my private healthcare ages ago, but they didn't bring it up... and had said she was doing fine. Now she is back under the NHS it showed up. I don't know the in's and out's and to be honest whats past is past and there is no point being bitter about it. In a way I think things happen for a reason and if we had of known then, I would probably have felt some stupid obligation and never have been able to leave. She and I and the boy are all SO much happier now how we are, that would have been a tragedy in itself. I am proud of how she has grown this last year and the things she has achived. So this is obviously the time to face this challenge, as we are now. Still and always a family, just one thats apart.

They've diagnosed her with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis a chronic liver disease. I know I'm going to be looking it up a lot to get the different descriptions and stories of people living with the disease. Not good news, but what I think threw her as much was when they talked about testing her for crohn's disease and osteoporosis too. I think it was just one thing on top of another. So she came out not sure quite how much was them suspecting those from her previous results, or because (crohn's for instance) go so hand in hand. The words ringing in her ears when she came out were the consultants words warning of the eventuality of liver failure and transplant. I am not surprised those were the words she clung to, it must have been one hell of a shock. Of course that may never happen... and even if it does it is a long term prospect. So we chatted about it, the tests, she was worried about the practicalities of me being around to look after the boy and get him to school when she has to go to hospital for those. It will be fine, we will sort something out. I made her laugh, made sure she knew she wasn't alone, encouraged her to stop thinking of the worst as thats a long long time away if ever, and then had to go have a chat with the little boy and try and explain what had happened. That wasn't easy, as he could see his mum was rattled. So I kept it light, honest. They had diagnosed a disease but as they didn't do anything for it then nothing had changed. It just gave it a name. They'd give her something for her itchy feet so we didn't have to worry she had flea's now (that got a laugh), and they were going to do some tests for some other stuff just to see if she had that, but still nothing was really going to change even if they found that too. He looked happier after.

She is in a much better place in herself to fight this than she was even 6 months ago. She will be ok in the ways that count, in how she deals with it hanging over her head. She will. That little boy means the world to her as he does to me. I know she'll think on that when the shock has settled a little. That will give her strength. Its going to be hard at times, but we'll get through. Always family.