After the huge high of Tues night, Wed was hard work. I was just so darned tired! I think I had got 2 hrs sleep that night and was ummm more than a little hungover for most of the day. Well ok lots of the day.
I had the doctors that day so left work early (thank heavens!) to go talk to them about my sleeping. Apart from being very impressed with how high-tech the doctors was (with self-checkin and signs telling you where to go and when) I tried to explain how my sleeping had been and be positive about it. Her opening question was "what did I expect from her?". Which I guess was a fair question, but a hard one. If I am desperate enough to go see a doctor then I'll take anything. So I said any advice she had to offer. She listened to what I had to say and then basically said -
as i had no trouble getting to sleep, but just woke up alert all the time I must have things on my mind keeping me alert. So I had to stop doing things which kept my mind active before bed, like reading, using the PC... its very hard to imagine doing things which don't involve my mind. The house gets very quiet in the evening, so reading or writing are part of how I relax. Avoid caffeine too late, which I do already - after midday. Don't drink alcohol, which I rarely do. Don't exercise late as it works yourself up. If I wake up, just try and settle again, and basically just try and relax and wait it out. I know I am happier now than I have been for ages, and I was more uptight when I could sleep...
She did say I could try a lightbox if I wanted to as I'd seemed to suggest it was tied in with the long dark evenings, but she was more of the thought it was just an active mind and I should handle that.
I came away a little, not annoyed but I guess resigned to it. I was pretty tired by then and as its something I will just have to put up with thats just going to carry on and I have to keep pushing myself onwards when tired.
The ex phoned soon afterwards to say they were going down the hospital as the boy had hurt himself at school, fallen while swinging between desks and bitten deeply into his lips. I felt a little torn then, of course I hated the thought of him hurting himself but boys will be boys and I knew she could handle it. So I wanted to be with him, but his mum has to be able to handle things by herself, that was part of her insisting on custody. I was so tired I came home and napped for a few hours, before planning to work at 10pm. She phoned again about 8pm to say they thought he would need surgery the next day on his lip, and that he had knocked himself out so they were keeping him overnight. OK so this panicked me and made me feel guilty that I'd been so tired I couldnt go over. In hindsight that was silly, I was too tired to drive and would have been dangerous without that nap. Plus, earlier we hadnt known he was going to have to stay over. So I drove over to the ex's, but too late to see the boy and stayed overnight so I could be ready to drive them to the other hospital the next day. I was worried and was pretty mean to myself before I kicked myself out of it. OK very mean. Probably the high of the day before, plus the worry had got to me, but I did break myself out of it. Before I would have been doing it to myself for days... hiding away. A text to a dear friend to say how I was feeling and then put those feelings away. The boy was let out of hospital and they were pleased with how he had healed so he didnt need surgery, which was such a relief!!! We cuddled for a bit and played and then I drove back home. I was determined to go out and not miss my cooking class though, as everything was ok now, I needed to do that and not give into it. So I went to the class and while quiet, enjoyed it and came home pretty happy again.
I've never got over being "down" so quickly, or pushed through it so fast. I've never not retreated and gone out so soon afterwards. While I wish I didn't get down, and need to learn new ways to handle it... I am pretty proud again of myself in how I dealt with it.
As for the sleeping. It kind of feels like a curse now. I think she is probably right, my mind is too active. Knowing how I got down like that, I do keep such a tight grip on myself to keep pushing forward, to try and look forward and not back. To try and keep my emotions and perspective more positive and upbeat. Maybe the over-active mind is a byproduct of that and the sleeping the payment. So don't let it get me down and deal with the tiredness, as I saw Thurs just how vulnerable it makes me to getting down, but i *won't* let it keep me there.
A so generous friend has started sending me relaxation techniques, and maybe thats another case of kismet. The right person at the right time with the right words for me. It kind of feels like that, and I'm grateful for the time she's taken over it. Maybe thats the next step for me. Learning how to relax and let things be without having to *make* them be.
Oh and the boy is fine :). Got lots of attention at school and didn't know quite what to do with it! Can't wait to take him out again tomorrow and really miss him today, but he's out with friends.
I had the doctors that day so left work early (thank heavens!) to go talk to them about my sleeping. Apart from being very impressed with how high-tech the doctors was (with self-checkin and signs telling you where to go and when) I tried to explain how my sleeping had been and be positive about it. Her opening question was "what did I expect from her?". Which I guess was a fair question, but a hard one. If I am desperate enough to go see a doctor then I'll take anything. So I said any advice she had to offer. She listened to what I had to say and then basically said -
as i had no trouble getting to sleep, but just woke up alert all the time I must have things on my mind keeping me alert. So I had to stop doing things which kept my mind active before bed, like reading, using the PC... its very hard to imagine doing things which don't involve my mind. The house gets very quiet in the evening, so reading or writing are part of how I relax. Avoid caffeine too late, which I do already - after midday. Don't drink alcohol, which I rarely do. Don't exercise late as it works yourself up. If I wake up, just try and settle again, and basically just try and relax and wait it out. I know I am happier now than I have been for ages, and I was more uptight when I could sleep...
She did say I could try a lightbox if I wanted to as I'd seemed to suggest it was tied in with the long dark evenings, but she was more of the thought it was just an active mind and I should handle that.
I came away a little, not annoyed but I guess resigned to it. I was pretty tired by then and as its something I will just have to put up with thats just going to carry on and I have to keep pushing myself onwards when tired.
The ex phoned soon afterwards to say they were going down the hospital as the boy had hurt himself at school, fallen while swinging between desks and bitten deeply into his lips. I felt a little torn then, of course I hated the thought of him hurting himself but boys will be boys and I knew she could handle it. So I wanted to be with him, but his mum has to be able to handle things by herself, that was part of her insisting on custody. I was so tired I came home and napped for a few hours, before planning to work at 10pm. She phoned again about 8pm to say they thought he would need surgery the next day on his lip, and that he had knocked himself out so they were keeping him overnight. OK so this panicked me and made me feel guilty that I'd been so tired I couldnt go over. In hindsight that was silly, I was too tired to drive and would have been dangerous without that nap. Plus, earlier we hadnt known he was going to have to stay over. So I drove over to the ex's, but too late to see the boy and stayed overnight so I could be ready to drive them to the other hospital the next day. I was worried and was pretty mean to myself before I kicked myself out of it. OK very mean. Probably the high of the day before, plus the worry had got to me, but I did break myself out of it. Before I would have been doing it to myself for days... hiding away. A text to a dear friend to say how I was feeling and then put those feelings away. The boy was let out of hospital and they were pleased with how he had healed so he didnt need surgery, which was such a relief!!! We cuddled for a bit and played and then I drove back home. I was determined to go out and not miss my cooking class though, as everything was ok now, I needed to do that and not give into it. So I went to the class and while quiet, enjoyed it and came home pretty happy again.
I've never got over being "down" so quickly, or pushed through it so fast. I've never not retreated and gone out so soon afterwards. While I wish I didn't get down, and need to learn new ways to handle it... I am pretty proud again of myself in how I dealt with it.
As for the sleeping. It kind of feels like a curse now. I think she is probably right, my mind is too active. Knowing how I got down like that, I do keep such a tight grip on myself to keep pushing forward, to try and look forward and not back. To try and keep my emotions and perspective more positive and upbeat. Maybe the over-active mind is a byproduct of that and the sleeping the payment. So don't let it get me down and deal with the tiredness, as I saw Thurs just how vulnerable it makes me to getting down, but i *won't* let it keep me there.
A so generous friend has started sending me relaxation techniques, and maybe thats another case of kismet. The right person at the right time with the right words for me. It kind of feels like that, and I'm grateful for the time she's taken over it. Maybe thats the next step for me. Learning how to relax and let things be without having to *make* them be.
Oh and the boy is fine :). Got lots of attention at school and didn't know quite what to do with it! Can't wait to take him out again tomorrow and really miss him today, but he's out with friends.
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