Upsets

The problem with repressing feelings is when they do find a way out they bite you in the ass big time.

This kind of happened to me last night while talking with a friend. They said something with the very best of intentions which caught me in a place where I was a little vulnerable and it caught to the core of that. Of course it wasn't what they said I was reacting to, it was the supressed feelings finding that vent and rushing out all in one go with all the vengence they could muster. I did what I normally do... I went completely cold in a moment as everything kind of came rushing up and it hurt like I'd been stabbed. I really didn't want to react that way, I just did.

I sat there for a moment and thought. What do I do now? Do I say something? Do I just go quiet? Do I make an excuse I have to go? Do I just try and carry on and hide how I am feeling. In the end, I said something, confusing them and worrying them that they had hurt me. I couldn't just hug them and say it was ok, it wasn't. I did explain I knew they were trying to be helpful, but I just needed a little space for some time and thankfully they gave it to me.

It was *such* a better way of handling things and we ended the evening by chatting casually and comfortably on the phone after I'd thrown myself into frantic present wrapping for the evening and slipping my collar in place as a comfort, holding onto one piece of certainty in all the turmoil. The collar meant a lot to me then... It made me have to deal with things, reminding me of the commitments I made to Her to look after myself and also that how I behave reflects on her. It reminded me I can't run anymore, no matter how that seems the easy option (and it never is, it just makes it harder to deal with things when finally you have to).

Supressing things is never really good, but with this one situation is the only way I know how to deal with it and stay sane. So until another way comes along, I am kinda pleased I at least handled things better. I am really grateful for my friend for being patient and understanding and giving me space, and i am totally in the debt of Cuzisaid just for being who she is.