Crucify

So, this was the thing I mentioned previously that I didn't want to write about but its the other side of the coin to the new found hope. Its there, so its written about. I didn't sleep well again last night. It took me awhile to get to sleep when I went to bed at 9pm, then was awake just after 2ish. The rest of the night was on/off with me becoming increasingly unpleasent towards myself in my thoughts, curling and twisting round the same hopeless vindictive thoughts at myself. The same old stories. Of course then by time it came to 5.30am I was tired and could have slept... but then work calls. Just keep it quietly inside so no one else has to suffer it with me.

I'm always reminded of a song at these times, well the times after. Tori Amos 'Crucify'. The line always sticks in my head "Why do we crucify ourselves, Every day I crucify myself". I would just change one line of the song though... instead of "Nothing I do is good enough for you" its "Nothing I do is good enough for me" as I know thats the reality of the situation. Knowing that doesn't tend to stop me when its 3am and I can't sleep though. It's what I do though, silently crucify myself in ways and words and thoughts I wouldn't dream of directing towards my worst enemy. The why's and what's don't really matter, they are just old demon's that come back to haunt me, the demon's of depression and how they manifest themselves. I finally got up feeling hopeless and resigned to this is how I am at my age in life so get used to it and with a shrug went into the day.

So... the thoughts from the station, the realisation of how we can change, no matter how impossible it seems. Well. It was a comforting thought and one I will let me carry through the day to the weekend.


--

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains