Chastity and restriction

otahyonii wrote an interesting article about orgasm denial in her blog on alt. I was thinking about this, amongst many things, as I wondered around Bournemouth (more of that later). I haven't really written much about sexuality recently... I guess because thats one part of my life that does get expressed in conversations with my Owner. I decided though that this type of play was one which had had such a profound effect on me that it really deserved to be written about.

A brief potted history of "me". I married my first gf at 22. She is the only girl I've ever kissed... and I waited til my wedding night before we slept together. She was never interested in sex (having what she wanted - security) and in fact with a year or two went the complete opposite, not even wanting to be touched by me, not even cuddled. After that, things settled a little... enough to have our son anyway, but with her post-natal depression we led into the final pattern of anger and blowups that split us apart, with both physical and emotionally abusive sides. We are both much happier apart and get on well as friends now we have that space between us and can walk away. Her hormone treatment also settled the cycles considerably. Anyway, one of the results of this was having my sexuality thrown in my face in those times of anger. I think the words hurt more than the physical side. When someone tries to hit or tries to put a pillow over your face or tries to put their hands around your neck you can just go limp, not react, go quiet and wait til its over... let their anger blow past when they don't get the reaction they want (I don't suggest you should do this in abusive situations, but it was reacting against her she wanted.. so not reacting would diffuse the situation). You just don't even think about it after awhile. It was the words that hurt though, she would throw in my face how crap I was in bed, how she hated me touching her. When we did have sex, I felt bad at being such a beast that I couldnt say no to those desires even though I knew it would come back in my face. So sex was quick and left a bad feeling in me as well as obviously a tendency to come very quickly.

To the present, and having worked out a lot of those issues... Chastity play, restrictions... all things which work well when you are involved in distance play. She trusts me, what I say, that what happens is what happened. That can't do anything but keep reinforcing the bond between us. I am not allowed to touch myself without permission. Not allowed to cum without permission. Everytime I see a pretty girl and get that hint of arousal, I am reminded. Everytime a word or phrase or thought comes up that does the same, I am reminded. I am reminded of her. I am reminded of her control, of her prescence, of the power exchange between us and my position.

When she tells me I can do something, the reaction is intense and immediate, no matter how I was feeling... and that again just reconfirms how my sexuality is entirely in her hands and for her amusement. I can't begin to say how much I love this. It works on more levels than I can begin to explain. The way the desire and hunger build up. The slightest thing making you feel needy and wanting. The way it tears through my normal restraint and the desire just burns in sheer animal lust. Whatever it is that arouses me, its her at the centre of my thoughts. Worming round n your mind. Even when I have been allowed to play, that knowledge is there it was because SHE wanted it.

So how does this relate to the past 10 years? Well... this was a little while ago, after my wonderful Owner had first started down this path... it had been two weeks of not touching. After teasing and talking she said to me simply I could stroke. That first stroke I have to say, I thought I would die. It was heaven. She taught me totally in that one moment how much I had been missing concentrating on the climax... rather than the sheer pleasure of the act itself. She totally changed my sexuality around in one moment and gave me back the pleasure I had been missing.

I cannot begin to express how much this means to me, how different I see things now. This just reminds me again the duality of the D/s relationship. I gave over that side of myself to her and she has enjoyed and eaten it up... and I have gained so much back from her in return. She has taught and is teaching me things which are life changing. I would have done it all for the smile on her face, but instead have been so richly blessed.