S&M

A good new friend of mine promised to have someone talk to me about S&M as it is something out of my experience. I want to know things, know enough to know what is and isn't me and to understand a little about what drives others. Enough to try to understand and accept.

I've had a bad tendency in the past, due to the events described earlier, to go cold at physical things. Then... in my less nice to myself moments, a strong desire to be hurt, to be made to cry just so I felt something. This was not good, and something I tried to stifle whenever it came out as I knew it was destructive. It also put a bad light on other, more positive desire in that light.

I am glad to say... I don't think those thoughts have been in my head for months, not since before the collaring in fact. I am so glad to be rid of them and be able to enjoy the other thoughts.

The other thoughts of being spanked, yes... but also flogged by her, flogged so hard it hurt and I cried but could revel in it, that the marks would remain there to run your fingers over and keep you purring. This has been something in my mind for awhile, a secret desire worming in my head which I couldnt quite look at due to the past experience with pain... pain from one you loved and who was supposed to love you.

My good friend has opened my eyes. I was so missing the relationship involved. The buildup. The mindset. The way the mind leads the body and the body reinforces the mind. All I could see was the pain and the hurt and that just makes me instantly go cold. I think I understand a little more and understand quite why I've had those dreams. They are very much because its HER and because of the relationship we have.

Learning is good.