Church

I went to church with Mum this morning, as much for her company and to make sure she didn't feel compelled to stay at home with us as for going to church. I used to go regularly, before the troubles, and now this is one of those unresolved issues which I guess one day will find its own time to sort out in my little head. I have so many friends who are either gay, transgendered or otherwise in alternative lifestyles (like my dear family on alt or on IRC on bondage)... who love each other in so many incredible ways. How can that love be considered wrong when its one of the most positive things I've experienced in my life? I will find my own way, thats right for me.

Prickles

I've really enjoyed the time down at my parents (even if I have remained mysteriously socked throughout the stay...). I know the boy has loved it too. There is one thing I am really looking forward to when I get back home. Shaving!! Yes, one thing I did not think I wanted to do while here was shave ummm there, so after 5 days I have a definite case of the prickles which you notice as you walk, sit, move, ummm do anything at all really. Little sharp prickles digging into thigh and anywhere else they can is a very definite new form of CBT I wasn't expecting on this new years! It does keep you wriggling though!

It was the year...

So I've been thinking about how I would end my first year of blogging. A review of the year comes to mind and then my head starts talking in "grand voice over man" voice and my love of great SF programmes comes to mind and I hear the opening credits of Babylon 5 and start thinking "The year is 2006...". Anyway, ignoring my prediliction for melodrama... a few thoughts from 2006.

Favourite film: Cars, yes, I'm soppy. As I may have mentioned I love this film as it summed up one of my great lessons for the year. Slow down, stop trying to "get" somewhere and enjoy the road you are on. As a very very wise Lady (see, thats a promotion.... wise Lady is waaaay above friend) who is also a great friend (thats a GOOD thing btw) and my Mistress (and thats like a waaaaaaaaaaaay amazing thing) told me recently things don't stop changing until you die, so what we really HAVE to enjoy is the process. Thats a paraphrase I don't have the email with me of what she said as it was very succint and precise and very much her way of just dropping three or four words in your path that while small feel like a concrete roadblock as they have that much impact.

Favourite TV programme: Planet Earth. Just astoundingly beautiful and the BBC at its best. We live on such an amazing planet.

Favourite book: Thud, Terry Pratchett. I've been really really really bad this year about reading, and I haven't finished Wicked yet and Terry Pratchett's books are ALWAYS so much fun to read.

Favourite song: Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol. This is a heart stopping song and the moment the opening bars start I just have to stop and listen and give it my full attention. Its so heartfelt, so simple, so beautiful. It reminds me of a much loved friend who I sang it for in the back of her car while we toured Scotland in August. She might never feel the same way I feel for her, but thats not the point. I love her, and if she needs me, needs that safe place for a moment, she has it, no matter how much it may hurt when she feels safe and secure and carries on. It also reminds me of a beautiful friend I made this year who sang it in return for me. It totally humbles me someone could offer me something so precious. Thankyou Cuzi.

Favourite place: This was hard. My first thought was Loch Ness, or somewhere else in the Highlands. Walking along the river Nevis with the puppy. They were such a beautiful place. After thinking about it though... its East Ayrshire. Thats the place that felt like home when I returned to it. Walking along Troon beach knowing that I felt so much like I belonged there. That I wanted to be there not because of anyone, but because of the place.

Favourite memory: Again, this was hard... So as it's my blog and I'll cheat if I want to (you can sing that to the tune in my head, if you really must) and choose a couple.

The time in August in Scotland was such a bitter sweet time. It was the best holiday ever. I felt so privilaged to have my friends company for a week. For her to let me take her precious beagle pup out for long walks by myself knowing that pup means more to her than anything in the world. Walking along the river for four hours just me and the pup. It was as near to heaven as I've known. So many wonderful times with my boy as well, its hard to choose.

Time spent getting to know so many wonderful new friends around the world who have delighted me so many small little things which brought a smile to my face. To time spent with pheobe, Mistress, LadyM, Tracy, Kath, karen, Christine, wistan, Ms Jolie, T, MzA and so many others too numerous to mention. In person, on the phone, online or just in writing. Wonderful times.

A two part memory. One that started with Mistress places her collar on me and completed with a little shiny brass tag falling out of a white envelope into my hands. Thankyou Ma`am. Something I'd never have dreamed of, and something that always leaves me humbled with a "why me?" in my mind.

The boy, falling asleep with his head in my lap. Who could ask for more?

Things learnt:

This was a year of change, a year of consolidation, a year when I stopped looking back at something that wasn't really there, stopped being "her husband" and started to explore what was me instead. A year where I fought with bouts of depression and mostly won... came out more optimistically than I started anyway. A year where I not only started to accept my sexuality but started to enjoy and treasure it. A year of new friends and the hints of new possibilities. A year where I finally started to like my quirky little body just as it is and realise other people might like it a little too. A year where I stopped hating my voice and how it sounded and know some people kind of like to hear it and want to listen to me ramble. I've learnt that wisdom is nothing without experience, and experience can be only gained one way. The hard way. I've learnt that if you pick the right people they are wonderfully full of compasion, patience, time and energy despite their own woes. I've learnt survival is not the only option and depression doesn't last. I've learnt I like pain when its delivered in some delightful ways by a delicious person. I've learnt some good things this year and changed more, and in more positive ways, than maybe the negative ways during the 10 years I was married. I've learnt how wonderful it feels to create, even if its just these simple words here and how much bigger the world seems when you get over your head.

A hard year... but a pretty good one.

That was fun...

...Oh no it wasn't... Oh yes it was!

Last night we went to the panto (oh no we didn't, oh yes we did... ok, I promise... thats the last time I will do that. There is something about Christmas-time that turns normally mild-mannered english-people into grinning fools who have to resort to responding to everything with the traditional panto audience shout out lines). My ex had won tickets from the local shopping mall so, despite the fact I'm down in Bournemouth with my boy at my parents for new year and she is all the way back in Farnborough, I said that was cool and I'd bring him back for the evening so we could all go. My Mum said she'd come too so it was nice, getting together as a family for the boy. I think I'm kind of glad I didn't think through about just how far it was though and just said yes.

We got there a little early as I wanted to make sure we didn't get caught in traffic as the weather started to get really bad (the afore mentioned rain and wind). This was really good though as the ex could show off how busy she had been sorting through the boys toys. You know how it is... She's been in that house just over a year. When she moved in it was the final "we aren't getting back together again" as we'd sold our old house and used the proceeds to buy her a house so her and the boy could start again with their own home. So things were just shoved into the small box/playroom and slowly got worse while she concentrated on the downstairs. With a little encouragement, and the little push that the boy now needed somewhere to setup the PC I bought him for Christmas, she decided to move stuff around upstairs and sort things through to give the small bedroom to the boy as his "sleeping" room (doubling up as a guest room if anyone came to stay), whereas his big room with the cabin bed (which he doesn't really use) would be the play room. If I ever stay over he can sleep up in that and I won't kill myself by treading on his toys when I get out of bed blindly in the morning ;-). It also means the PC is in a different room to his sleeping in, so when its time to STOP playing and go to bed, he will really go to bed.

I'm really pleased she decided to (let's ignore this was how I suggested she lay it out in the first place... I know it was hard for her when she moved in and it was important she make her own decisions). I'm kind of glad though that she felt she could ask my opinion when she decided to do this, knowing I'm not the type to do an "i told you so". It's good though as it kept her busy while I had the boy for the last few days so she didn't dwell on it. I have to do this every week so I know how empty the house feels when he's gone. Keeping busy is the best way past it.

She had done well and the little room was mostly clear and as we got there early she asked if I minded moving the wardrobe and his bed into the room then so she could get it all finished off before we got back on Monday. I took the bed apart and moved it over and the boy was really pleased, as well as amazed how big his playroom looked. He was plotting where he is going to put the computer desk on Monday when he goes back and I help him put it together. Its going to look really good and I know when she see's it all complete the ex will feel so proud of her house and be proud when his friends come over to play - that will do her a lot of good and the more her self-confidence is boosted, the happier she is.

I've always been a little well, dubious, about things like panto's. My natural shyness comes out and all the shouting and audience joining in I found uncomfortable. So I got there with that "grin and bare it" mentality. One of the so positive things about being on my own is you have to just do things, you have no one to hide behind. The ex (being so outgoing and talkative) both took away opportunities for me to stand out and also gave me excuses not to try. I know towards the end I just felt like "her husband" rather than "me". This last year has been very much about discovering who "me" is. I quickly got over that strange feeling of sitting next to her again, with her being so vocal and loud (its easy to slip into old patterns) and watched the boy and settled into being "me". I clapped and shouted back the traditional responses... Did "heads, shoulders knee's and toes" with the rest of the audience (and I have to say we were robbed, the boys and Dad's were DEFINITELY louder than the girls) and thoroughly enjoyed it both for watching the boys reaction and because, I just enjoyed it.

English panto is a very special thing. Very self-aware, very participative, full of little quirks of knowing innuendo, just a wonderful thing to behold. Think of Rocky Horror but for children (yes... I know so of course I should love panto when I stopped being so prissy and uptight, considering how much I love Rocky on stage). Unlike a lot of panto's which rely on big names, this was a small production of Beauty and the Beast (done panto style). The cast were excellent, all had amazing singing voices... better than many musical's I've been to. They were funny as hell, egging the audience on, shouting back and dragging them into the show with the laughed comments of "you know whats coming next" and "hang on, i've not got there yet, don't say my lines or I'll have nothing to do". They so obviously enjoyed it as much as we did being part of it. Pity the poor guy that the "evil ugly witch" picked on at the beginning, asking his name and then spent the rest of the panto blowing kisses at and cooing at him by name. The "ugly sister" a big black guy suitably hammed it up in drag, the good fairy suitably yummy, the bad villian suitably dashing and evil. All the proper ingrediants for a family panto.

I nearly choked laughing when the "good fairy" (with her long blonde flowing hair) flounced back onto stage dressed as a french maid with fishnet stockings and heels. Before she even managed to say "hello Mums and boys and girls, and Helloooooooooooo Dads" both Mum and the ex had given me one of "those" looks. I must be so obvious :P. Of course neither of them know whether I was looking at the girl or just purring at the outfit. Hey, its nice to admire it from more than one line of thought ;-).

It was great though and despite the terrifying drive home, and the aches and pains today from gripping so hard to keep the car on the road... It was a wonderful evening. Next year they are doing "The Wizard of Oz" panto style so you bet your ass I'll be there as I SOOOOO love that story. I'll resist and leave my ruby slippers at home though ;-).

That only leaves one thing for me... a wistful longing to see Rocky Horror again. Anyone wanting to go see it up in London before it moves off?

160 mile round trip in the pouring rain and horrible winds to go see a panto? "Petrol, £20. Drinks and sweets, £5. Deoderant needed from sheer fear of the drive, £2.50. The chance to scream out like a little kid at the cast and watch a little boys face while he did the same? Priceless".

Spray

OK, so while there are some types of spray that maybe fun, spray from other cars is *not* one of them. So a polite, impassioned, plee to all those drivers out there. When you are driving along at 11pm on a night with driving rain, gusty winds, and generally dreadful visibility... When you overtake that little car thats bumbling along a little slower as the occupant is quietly terrified at how light his car is and how its being hit so hard by the side winds.... Please, please, PLEASE when you overtake on that completely empty motorway, don't just cut in straight in front of it when you've overtaken. You don't need to, the road ahead is empty. Please give it a decent amount of space when you pull over, if not - on a wet road like that all you do is completely atomise all the standing water and send it spraying up in a fog over the poor git behind (me). You really don't need to pull in one car length ahead of me :)

Thankyou!

The pleasure is in the journey

Mum, Dad, boy and I all sat and watched 'Cars' last night as the boy had got it on DVD. The boy decided to make it into a big presentation thing and prepared lots of little nibbles set out on the table for us to eat during the movie and we were informed it was ok, there would be an intermission half way through for drinks and bathroom breaks. We were treated to his sale spiel when he informed us that the DVD was now available in all good stores and we could go find it after we'd seen the film. The boy somberly turned out the lights so we could get the full movie experience. Dad promptly fell asleep through the first half of the film as it was dark.

I love this film (as well as the music in it, note to self... borrow DVD off the boy just so I can listen to that soundtrack in surround sound). OK so I love Disney anyway. OK so I *LOVE* PIXAR and have to admit they sound like just such a fun company to work for. But but but I love their movies with a passion. They are just so warm and HUMAN and the characters and stories just pull at the heart. Please don't ask how many times I saw the Incredibles *blush* and was kinda hmmmm and iffy when I saw the trailers for Cars, but its just a brilliant film. I guess I identify with it a lot... not with the selfish side of him, but with the whole... rushing ever onwards treating the goal as the thing. I admit, at the end I cried (again), just a little and it was dark so I am sure it was just ummm a cold or how bright the TV was in my eyes. Yes, thats it. I also found myself welling up a lil when John Lassiter was talking (on the featurette) about his inspiration for the film, where he rediscovered how to be close to his kids by just enjoying the meandering journey through life.

Yes, I'm mushy as hell. *grin*

Ooooops

I feel terribly guilty. Well ok now I don't feel guilty, but I did feel a kind of pang of honesty.... (well, it may have been indigestion, I'm not really sure... I'm not used to what honesty feels like now) but it was a real genuine mistake and somehow I can't bring myself to feel too bad about it now (not considering I bought the boy's PC in that shop before Christmas and I've seen how much they've been reduced in the sales).

Dad and I popped to well known UK PC store earlier to look around. I picked up a 1gb usb flash pen very cheap and Dad spoiled the boy by getting him a verrrrrrrrrrry good webcam so we can both see him (Hmmmm at that webcam, its SO much clearer than mine and we all know how much I love webcams *blush*... it follows you and every, its so tempting!!!). I wanted to get the boy a nice chair for the Computer Desk that my parents gave him for Christmas. We saw a nice swivel adjustable chair with arms and it was a bargain at 15 pound. Only thing though they only had black, not blue. Oh well we said, and bought two. One for the boy, one for Dad. We got to the til and they registered at 35pound EACH! Oh no we said... it had a big reduced sign on the example chair, and it did, we showed them! The black chair on display said reduced to 15. The nice man on the til punched in the override and cut it down to 30pound for the pair, as we thought.

As we got out the store we kinda hmmmed a little about it as someone had whispered in Dad's ear just after we left that he thought that was only for the blue ones... but we couldnt see the colour making THAT much difference in price. Well, we checked up on the web when we got home and sure enough... Blue office char, out of stock.. reduced from 30pound to 15. Black office chair, in stock... 35pounds. Guess someone must have moved the price sign when they sold the last one!

Well it was a genuine mistake and all credit to the store for being so good as to just reduce the price like that at the til, and the little boy is very very happy!! Plus it serves them right for trying to charge us 35 quid for 15m network cable that I ended up buy for 5quid on ebay!!!

Sunshine

Yesterday, on the drive down to my parents, I saw sunshine for the first time in two weeks! I'd kind of forgotten just how bright it was (as I fumbled around in a traffic jam trying to change my normal glasses for my prescription sunglasses so I could actually see). OK, so it only lasted about half hour and was gone by the time we got here, but it was a welcome sight. The UK can be so grey in winter...

It was actually nice to see my sister for once, as she was still down here doing the handover of which sibling my parents had for Christmas. Her kids are a little older now and so more fun. Her eldest boy is still a bit of a well, odd, little one, but her youngest is the most adorable little boy who was two in October. He was running around with a big smile getting under feet, peeking up out of no where, hugging, kissing, getting his funny little words mixed up, crying, screaming and doing all the other totally adorable things two year olds do. Made me smile a lot as he reminded me of a friends little girl who is just a little younger, so I kissed the hell out of him and his sweet little pout when he pulled a cracker and he didn't get the bit with the present in. Well, you have to get the kisses in where you can.

I'm almost wishing I brought my laptop down now though, I really didn't sleep well last night and didn't want to put the TV on or come outside in case I disturbed anyone else. The break from using a computer all the time will do me good though. (Shhhhh this doesn't count, this is known as updating my blog for sanity purposes while "investigating my parents new DVD's").

So now, sipping my latte made with the lovely coffee machine my parents bought me... and trying not to yawn too much.

Puppy nails

Just because its Christmas and because I'm away now for a few days at my parents (yes, I know... I need to practice more, don't worry... I have all of 2007 to get it right!)

Boxing day, how appropriate

Today was one of those days which brings you back to a point in time you really don't want to be. Also one of those days that makes you say roll on two years so I can file for divorce and really *relish* saying "the-ex".

When I got to the ex's to spend the morning with them she was quiet, she had tummy ache and hadn't slept well (as she had stayed over at her parents) so was quiet and a little crabbit. I left her to it and just played with the boy while she went upstairs. It was ok til her parents turned up with the bike she bought the boy and then it got awkward. She got very uptight and childish... Started asking over and over again if the bike was too small while they adjusted the seat, and increasingly stressed and uptight about whether it was too small. She started getting crankier in how she spoke, bitchy harsh comments... I did not like the way she spoke to the boy when she thought he had trod mud into the front room so I took him upstairs for a minute while they adjusted the bike. This kind of went on until after they had gone when we had a very childish comment of "I'll just have to sell the bike and then try and buy a new one" when we'd all said it was just fine. I said I had better go and got the retort of "if you go you aren't coming back and we'll deal with it all through the courts". Lovely.

So she went upstairs to sulk when they had gone, ummm i mean to go rest as her tummy hurt and the boy and I played before he fell asleep on my lap til she came down after she had slept too and we had lunch. The thing that cut me up most though was when the boy said "he really wasn't used to this anymore", meaning the arguing. I should take that as a good thing... that he knows it doesn't happen anymore, yet at the time it just felt so bad that we had put him through all that for so long.

I don't like that place it puts me when she is in that sort of mood. She bitched I didn't talk to her parents, well she always bitched I didn't talk to people... but you try talking to anyone when your wife makes you feel like every word you say is wrong or stupid or going to cause an argument.

Roll on August. I just worry sometimes what she is like with the boy when I'm not around. He seems ok though, I do watch out for what he says.

Lonely pokemon

Today I learnt something from pokemon.

Yes, scary huh. The boys mum bought him Pokemon Blue Rescue for Christmas for his Nintendo DS and we were setting it up. It started with a personality quiz to decide what pokemon he was.

From his answers it told him that he was kind of lonely... that he loved being around people and thats why he was sometimes lonely, because he wanted and needed to be with people - that when he wasn't, it made him a little down. It then said, and I found this incredible, "It's ok when you feel a little down and lonely, its not bad its just a reminder how much you want to be with people".

Apart from the shock that the boy is SO like me... I was quietly stunned at that little bit of insight... to me.

Thankyou pokemon.

Magical Christmas

We had a great Christmas. Yesterday going to Church for the Christingle service. It was lovely, sitting together as a family even though we are not together, getting lots of cuddles from the boy. The really cute girl dressed up as an angel (except all in black, with piercings) two rows in front didn't hurt. I had to laugh, my ex just turned to me and gave me a look when she walked in and sat down a little late. She knows my tastes far too well!

The boy was very over-excited but fell asleep really quickly when we got him to bed. He even managed to sleep in til 8am by some amazing fluke. The boy was just a delight and we had a wonderful morning. He loved all his presents and was so excited over the smallest thing he was given. It was lovely to see. He was shocked when he opened the PC and once it had settled in he kept saying over and over how much he loved his new PC and giving me hugs. We sat and played with it for a little and I showed him how to do some of the things on it, he wanted to watch tv on that rather than the proper TV :). The ex had to pop out for a bit so he and I had some lovely time just to ourselves playing with some of his things.

Now we'll have to get his bedroom sorted out so he can get it all setup, its an incentive for him to get his toys sorted out ;-). We had a good morning and it was very relaxed and just nice being together the three of us. When it came to 1pm they had to go off to her parents for dinner so it was time to come home. Yesterday her parents asked if I wanted to come for dinner. It was really sweet of them to ask and I am really touched. Unfortunately with it being so late it was hard to plan anything or find out what time it was going to be (or even get used to the idea). I'd had a really great time and I didn't want to spoil it or intrude on their time, or get involved in any conflicts on their family.Plus, no one was quite sure when lunch was going to be and I really do not like driving back in the dark, so... I said thankyou so much and took my flask of coffee and went walking for a wonderful hour and a half in the hills.

It was a great day, and the happiest Christmas I can remember. Its the first one I can remember without an argument.

I miss him like hell now, of course, and feel a lil sensitive and lost... but just til tomorrow when I see him again.

Expectations

A friend of mine was telling me it really didn't feel like Christmas. She's just moved to the Philipines and all the foods are different, she can't get anything she'd normally get for a traditional Christmas and everything is just... strange. It's made her feel displaced and awkward for not feeling like she should. The fact its not cold makes it strange as well.

It made me think... expectations. Last year I still wanted the Christmas we'd always had and I couldn't have it. We had got back from a family holiday in Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Day itself. It had been a good holiday on the whole... we had booked it before the seperation and decided to make the most of it and go through with it. After presents, I went home... and well got very drunk because it hurt too much. I sobered up the next day some time.

This Christmas, I avoided thinking about it much... but I actually quite like it now. The expectations I had last year are gone. Thinking about it more clearly, they were based on things I remembered as a kid, being around my family and being wanted and happy. This never happened when I was married. Every year was the same, uptightness, stress, the ex getting upset by her family and feeling in the middle of it all and then finally kind of surviving the tenseness. Last year I had expectations for something that had never been there... so every year it was always going to be a disappointment.

This year. This year I've not expected anything. I've spoiled those I love and had a wonderful time choosing those special gifts just for very special people. I hope they enjoyed receiving them as much as I enjoyed giving them. I've got to see my boy lots. I will get to see my parents. So, my expectations have changed... and the Christmas I have now seems kind of nice. No big Christmas dinner, no big family thing, just little bits of time to be with those that matter to me. Kinda cool.

So tonight, I'm going to pamper myself. Cuddle up and watch tv. Bath. Shave. Look at the little bottle of nail varnish I bought today to spoil myself and *purrrrrrr*

Happy Christmas everyone.

Upsets

The problem with repressing feelings is when they do find a way out they bite you in the ass big time.

This kind of happened to me last night while talking with a friend. They said something with the very best of intentions which caught me in a place where I was a little vulnerable and it caught to the core of that. Of course it wasn't what they said I was reacting to, it was the supressed feelings finding that vent and rushing out all in one go with all the vengence they could muster. I did what I normally do... I went completely cold in a moment as everything kind of came rushing up and it hurt like I'd been stabbed. I really didn't want to react that way, I just did.

I sat there for a moment and thought. What do I do now? Do I say something? Do I just go quiet? Do I make an excuse I have to go? Do I just try and carry on and hide how I am feeling. In the end, I said something, confusing them and worrying them that they had hurt me. I couldn't just hug them and say it was ok, it wasn't. I did explain I knew they were trying to be helpful, but I just needed a little space for some time and thankfully they gave it to me.

It was *such* a better way of handling things and we ended the evening by chatting casually and comfortably on the phone after I'd thrown myself into frantic present wrapping for the evening and slipping my collar in place as a comfort, holding onto one piece of certainty in all the turmoil. The collar meant a lot to me then... It made me have to deal with things, reminding me of the commitments I made to Her to look after myself and also that how I behave reflects on her. It reminded me I can't run anymore, no matter how that seems the easy option (and it never is, it just makes it harder to deal with things when finally you have to).

Supressing things is never really good, but with this one situation is the only way I know how to deal with it and stay sane. So until another way comes along, I am kinda pleased I at least handled things better. I am really grateful for my friend for being patient and understanding and giving me space, and i am totally in the debt of Cuzisaid just for being who she is.

SysAdmin's at Christmas

Walking through the building, its full of Christmas decorations, lights, tinsel, tree's, all the signs of an office full of colleagues that work together but also enjoy each others company. It's really nice to see, even on the floor's with all the Indian on-shore workers.

Then you get to our wing in Operations, with the DBA's, UNIX and Wintel Sysadmins and the CRM team. I can see three pieces of tinsel and one set of lights on the whole wing.

*grin* Merry Christmas from the BoFH's* ;-).

I guess we just have to claim we are too busy keeping the company running!


* that's bastard operator from hell's for those who've never had the privilage to come across those stories!

Simplicity

I've been feeling a lot more relaxed this week, despite the sleeplessness. I don't know what it is, but I do like it. Last week I had all the travelling with the course, plus the being around new people and then the seeing and then missing the boy. I don't know if that was it. I also stopped taking the Valerian as I wasn't at home two nights and had all that driving to do so just wanted to be alert. I started again on Sunday after dropping the boy off. A combination of factors? A nice wind down to Christmas? Less stress? Such wonderful friends? There are no magic cures, no instant fixes, but... I do kinda like feeling like this. This is how I want to be, the me that's open, welcoming, accepting and life just seems so damn simple and uncomplicated... for once all those thoughts are quiet and still. Hooray.

Mistakes

I had something I was supposed to do last night, but I'd been up for 20hrs after not sleeping well the night before and got myself a lil confuzzled and went further than I had intended to when it had first been discussed. I've always been traditionally very hard on myself for making mistakes or misinterpreting things or having ummm accidents.

This morning though, I just woke up... thought about last night and with a clearer head thought "ohhh bum" and took the first chance I could to tell her and that was the end of it. It felt such a really great way to start the day, in her arms. I don't know if it made such a difference that it was a genuine honest mistake and I made it with the best of intentions to do what I thought I was supposed to at the time. I know in the past when I've been SO hard on myself its been when I've misunderstood or worse, couldn't hold on... When I've been SO scared of disappointing her I've punished myself inside.

I prefer this way. My duty is to try, my duty is to grow, my duty is to learn, my duty is to be honest and present the good and the bad openly. I'll make mistakes and I hope they'll always be honest ones, but in reality I know sometimes they will be because I'm not in the right place in my head and am jittery or ornery or crabbit or unsettled. Being able to be just totally open and not worry, it was a really special feeling. In return, I know she has a duty of care to me and to help me learn and not make those mistakes, for both of us. So if I have accidents, I'm going to try and just say "Ma`am, help me not to.". If I don't understand something or its unclear. I just ask! I think the only way I really could disappoint is if i didn't speak out.

Writing in the...

There was a heavy frost on all the car's as I walked to work this morning. Half a centimetre thick or more. Some kids? Teenagers? had written various rude words in the thick layer on the back windows. All I could think of was "oh god they have SUCH neater writing than I do".

I am sure I should have been "Outraged of Didcot" or whatever it is people sign when they write into the newspapers, but that was my first thought! They had really nice writing!

Christmas

So. Christmas. Something I've been avoiding thinking about too much in one of those it will happen and then be over with soon kinds of way as for me, I'm planning it to start on the 27th.

I had to think about it tonight as the ex phoned and asked if i'd stay over Christmas Eve so I'd be there for the boy Christmas morning. My reaction was to say no, it can be so awkward in the house but... Honestly, its Christmas and more chance to be with him, I couldn't say no. So the plans are now -

Christmas Eve... drive to the ex's for about 3pm, then walk with them to church for Christingle. Spend a quiet evening there.
Christmas Morning... spend it with both til just before lunch, then come home for the rest of the day as they are at her parents.
Boxing Day... drive back to the ex's for the morning and a light lunch before they go out again.
27th... drive back to the ex's and get the boy then take him down to the parents.
29th... drive back to the ex's with the boy and Mum to go see a panto, then back to my parents.
1st... drive back to the ex's, drop off the boy, drive home.

A lot of travelling, and just those few quiet times I wasn't looking forward to. SO much better than last year though. Last year we arrived back from Disneyworld Florida on Christmas Morning and then it was home alone. The one and only time I let myself get drunk over the split up. It will not happen this year as I'm on call!

Those who are with their families this year. No matter how hard the situation, how strained... try... try... try just to treasure them for that one day. Please.

Friends

Last night was a good night of renewing and rebinding friendships. Some very new, some very old. Clearing up misunderstandings and confusions and setting some things clear in one new. Finding a deep old friendship is still there alive and well and as heartfelt and precious as ever in another. I think I'm quite proud of myself and how I handle friendships now and the hard times in them. I know how angry or bitter or frustrated I used to get, how quick I was to jump to conclusions and be defensive... because I was so uptight. Now though, well things still annoy me at times but it takes a lot for a friend to rile me, most of the time I'll just let things find their own way through and know no matter what its not meant to be vindictive or malicious, its just people. Friends find a way.

Its pretty good being an adult sometimes.

Fairy dust

It was freezing while walking to work this morning. The path's were white and covered in frost, the sky dark and clear. The moon bright. As I walked it started to rain, that very faint almost misty rain. It was below zero... so as it filled the air it froze, it twinkled in the moonlight like thousands of little star's glowing and shimmering in the sky.

Perks

MMMmmm yum, a very lovely lunch from one of our vendors (SUN) with good company there and a fruitful day at work too. Despite being hyper and then slightly tipsy after lunch, I still managed to come back and fix all my scripts. Damn when I am good I am good!

I was feeling relaxed so enjoyed the big group, even if i was a little quiet as normal, it was nice to enjoy the company. I guess because of my mood, I watched people a little more. There was one guy there (sat a little up the table) who is always very talkative, very loud and vocal who was just quiet.. and in fact played games on his phone and barely touched his meal. I guess he was uncomfortable in the group too. Reminded me of my therapist saying once you never quite know what goes on in people's heads, you may think they are all confident and don't dwell on things the way you do... but you never know. It made me think. I may not be where I want to be in my life but, you know if I let myself, sometimes I don't do too bad.

It can be so sweet!

So my blogs are out of order. I still need to write one about Sunday night, but time time time! I don't want to lose this moment, so I will write where I am now, and then sometime go back and talk about then :). Since then wasn't a very nice place it might be better if I do it this way round anyway.

Today I am hyper. I am sure I will calm down soon and I hope its a slow gentle float down rather than a crash, but either way its kinda nice. I've been pouncing on people (metaphorically) and probably bothering them silly but it feels a good place to be in. The energy, the delight in being around my friends, the joy of life and just wowness at some of the amazing people I'm lucky enough to be around. I'm so damned lucky with the friends I have. I really don't know why I feel so good... Yesterday started pretty down but slowly picked up as I talked to people and my attitude changed when they were just so lovely. By the evening, I was just happily quiet, enjoying thinking of the night before as I wrote about it and enjoying those around me. Early to bed and while a little restless in the night, a peaceful night. This morning, just hyper, energetic :). Its feels so much better, treating people with my smile... I wish I could be more like this. I asked someone to remind me of how I can be when I feel down, as I really don't see it or remember it. She told me to write about it to remind myself, so here I am :).

Remember pup, it feels good more often than it feels bad now... you just don't remember that in the bad times.

Ohhhh and my friend from South Africa is coming over in Feb and my boss has let me have that day off (even though I am supposed to take that days holiday this year *grin*). I really hope I get to meet up with her this time!

Signs of winter

Winter cold
First frost and an icy fog this morning
New train timetable
Trains are randomly cancelled
I don't want to get out of bed!

Kind of nice on a chill morning though, looking out on the fog on the hills.

Mmmmmm

Pins or pegs?

It was a good weekend, they seem to be most often. Simple but good. Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to fit things back into the boxes they came in? Well Saturday morning found me (after the pretty good course at SUN all week) finishing off the boys new PC and then trying to get it back into its box before I went and got him. I managed the PC pretty ok, with just the traditional knuckle scraping of getting the polystryene back in the box the right way round. Could I get the base off the monitor though? Those little darned plastic clips that threaten to snap if you even look at them too closely. In the end I gave up and stuffed it in its box deciding he can open the PC box and then I will probably just give him the monitor :). We finished our Christmas shopping, finally deciding what we could do to finish my Mum's present. Much relief knowing that was all the presents finally decided. I like giving... and I like it being something chosen for a reason, something special for that one person. Its a great pleasure and satisfaction even if you don't get to seem them open it. I don't like it when I don't know what to get someone or why thats for them, things just have to fit ;-). I'm glad we managed it, we tried to get into Reading and ended up giving up as the traffic was so bad! So Didcot it was, and thankfully not too busy so we got to spend more time together. Sat was X Factor final so that was us for the evening, sitting playing battleships in that way you do with children (Ohhhh (8 moves later) did you say C4 not E5?, yes that was a hit...) while we watched and listened and stayed up far too late. Yes, btw, I am really glad Leona won. Amazing voice. Sunday was a nice lovely quiet relaxed day, sitting chatting with the boy, making mosaic cup coasters for my Mum for Christmas, quietly sharing a few words with Mistress here and there occasionally as she spent her day doing the same with her family. It was nice, quiet companionship with both of them. One of those magical unhurried mornings. Dropped in to see my Mum at my Nan's on the way taking the boy back, as she is staying a few days with Nan, and it was good to see both of them so well. The boy was pleased to see them both too and chattered incessently.

In the evening I was lucky enough to have some play time in a completely new way for me. I have a slight exhibitionist streak that came to light awhile back and there are a few phrases which are guaranteed to ease my mind into a certain place. "Undress for me pet", "go get your toys" or in this case "turn on your cam, pet". There is a slight mindblowing realisation when you know that SHE is watching you, devouring your every movement, purring at every single reaction. There's also the strange feedback of watching yourself on the screen from the webcam image displayed. Every touch you make mirrored back there for you to see. Every twitch, every shiver. Its fairly intense no matter what happens. Watching yourself.. voyeur and exhibitionist in one, knowing thats what they see. Ummm yes :) Well last night, she played with me in a way I'd kind of winced at when I'd heard people talk about. After relaxing me in that way she has, when you can feel she is so focused on you, that there is nothing else in her mind but you, almost feel her fingers stroking across your body in the same way her thoughts are devouring... Once in that quiet accepting state of mind she shocked me by telling me to go get the clothes pegs. I've only ever tried one of those once before, on a nipple and I yowled the house down at first, though it felt kind of good too so it was with a little buzzy trepidation I went to get them. I settled back down with her and waited a little nervously with that passive acceptance and expectation. When she told me to take one and place it on that soft skin between cock and balls it was like in a dream, reaching for the peg, picking it up, bringing it close, pinching the skin a little to make a spot then slowly unsqueezing my fingers on the peg top so it closed around the soft skin. I don't think I even made a sound as I was holding my breath... it was such an odd sensation, it didn't hurt, it just felt warm and tight and looking down and seeing it there was a little surreal. I could feel it, but it just felt good... the evidence in how I hardened and a little bead of wetness appeared testified to that. It was that point she told me to turn the cam on... and I tried to concentrate enough to find the cam, untangle the wire, get the camera into position, go and get a light to make it brighter, all running round naked with my tail in and this little peg wobbling away. More pegs, in a line down underneath me. Then more, as she asked, making symmetrical patterns working out to either side, filling in every space... then finally, gasping as each one made me feel more needy, made me want more, pinching the skin on the underside of my cock to get enough skin to run them up the length and the foreskin.

I can't describe it, it was unlike anything I've felt before, every peg... I just wanted, needed her to tell me what to do next, where she wanted them. Each little pinch making a soft gasp come from me. Every movement made them all wobble independenly, making them pull the tight skin, moving it in so many different ways and directions at once. Its no exageration to say i was dripping quietly as well as slightly hypnotised by the little movements. When she told me to run my fingers over and touch the pegs, mmmmmm.

It was the most intense play I've been involved with and it was just wonderful, the pinches... the feeling them of the skin slightly tender as it was released... that feeling of nothing being there. I absolutely loved it and the gentle way she led me through it. Afterwards I just sat grinning like a fool for ages and then getting shy and smiling at her at the thought she was just watching me smile. Today I can feel some of the little pinched spots and its a beautiful reminder.

Yum.

Nights and schools

So after being a right miserable little sod Wed night after I missed my boy, and after half-scaring myself to death on the drive home that night (I hate driving in the dark... the glare of oncoming traffic is blinding), I bit the bullet and asked the ex-wife-to-be if I could stay over again Thurs for the course.

As well as protecting my sanity and stopping me getting worn out on the drive home, it meant I got to be with my boy. The ex's cold decided to come out so we packed her off to bed so it helped her out too - I could look after the boy for the evening and not worry about her and I getting on each others nerves. He was tired, so we curled up on the couch and watched Cats and Dogs (god I love little beagle pups!) and then got him into bed. I didn't sleep well but it was nice to just lay there and listen to his breathing from the other bed. There are worse ways to spend an hour or two in the middle of the night.

She had to get to work early, so once I had woken him up I got to walk him to school by myself. So tonight I will probably be a miserable git again, but then I get to go get him tomorrow :).

Happiness is...

Waking up in the morning and your son being there in the room in the other bed and hearing his soft breathing. Hearing him shout out "morning Daddy, is it it time to get up yet?". Getting him breakfast as he slowly wakes up and taking him into school.

Perfect.

School plays

Awwwwww. Tonight I saw my boy in his school play, "Hansel and Gretel" and it was just so damn cute. It had all the right components. Jokes above the kids heads, kids stage struck and staring at their mums and dad's and waving, kids forgetting their lines and tripping over each other.

Just beautiful. They looked like they loved every minute of it. The boy was a "sandman" and part of the choir and danced on stage with his tinsel at the appropriate bit when Hansel and Gretel slept. I've never had chance to go to his plays before, this is the first time it was in an evening, and I am so glad... it made me smile and laugh a lot. It was so much fun. The school did really well. I'm really glad I finally got to see his school and meet his teacher too. When I went to get him after he had changed he was in a bundle of other children wrapping their arms around a pretty blonde teachers assistant as she is leaving soon. All I can say is thats my boy and he has great taste!!!

This evening, afterwards, we sat and cuddled and watched tv as the ex is out at her work Christmas party. He was tired so he lay up with a cushion in my lap, nestling his head down so I could stroke his hair and face (see, he really DOES take after me). He's tucked in bed now and I'm giving him some time to get to sleep before I go curl up in there.

I'm so proud of my boy.

Lost in...

Listening to the Chris Moyles show this morning on the Radio in the car, they were debating movies. We will leave the commenting about Donnie Darko out of it
as some things are too sacred... and dark movies are one of them).

Lost in Translation was the love it or hate it movie. Most of them hated it, thought it was boring and nothing happened. Personally, I loved it with a passion. It moved me and made me think, unsettled me, left me feeling for the characters and ultimately left me feeling happier about fleeting moments and life's little lost moments.

It reminded me of those times in Hong Kong as a stranger in a strange land, wondering where your place is geographically as well as emotionally in life. Those were the times my wife was pregnant and suffering back in the UK but I had to be out there on work and desperately wanted to be anywhere else, yet was scared of what the future might bring, would I be a good dad? could I cope? Would my wife be ok with all the problems she was having? Feeling so helpless and impotent and yet having to deal with all this while in a place I didn't belong.


The film brought back all those moments as well as those times in your own town where... well... I think you either understand where I am coming from or you don't.

Have you seen it?

Did you love it and just wallow in the journey of too people, knowing it couldn't wouldn't have a nice hollywood end as our journeys don't, they care on?

Did you find it boring and thought nothing happened?



I am curious...

Commuting

I take my hat off to everyone that commutes to work every day. Day two of my 45mile 1hr 30min crawl to the training course. Better today as I didn't just crawl on the M4 but I did do tha creep behind a tractor thing coming out of Didcot!!

On the big plus side, I am now grateful again I get the train in to work normally and won't bitch too much next week when I am stuck waiting on a cold train station again!.

An interesting thought though, can you tell what time people leave home by their lights? No one seems to turn them off as its gets brighter. So you get some people with them on full, some dimmed, some not at all. Does this show how long they've been travelling? I look jealously at those with no lights on who've just crawled out the house...

I was tagged by a friend on alt and much delayed due to birthday celebrations... here goes.

1. I love... people even though I sometimes find it hard to be around them.

2. I'm pissed off that... people aren't just NICE to each other.

3. If I could have one wish instantly granted... I would give a friend her dreams. Please don't ask me which friend as I really really don't know which it would be. I guess who needed it most at the time.

4. One thing I haven't done that I really want to try is... Oh god there is so many. Some physical, some emotional, some mental. The one that comes to mind at this moment is just to lay over someones knee and be spanked and then held and cuddled. Maybe silly, but its the mood I've woken in. Wanting touch.

5. I sincerely miss... my son

6. I can't live without... my son

7. My worst memory is.... The things my wife said.

8. I'm embarrassed by... Other people getting in embarrassing situations. I get embarrassed for them!!

9. My favorite blog or comment by the person who tagged me is... her ever more hysterical pet names

10. I crave... touch

11. My best quality or characteristic is... I care. I feel for people.

12. My worst quality or characteristic is... Sarcastic, cynical and bitter and close off.

13. I have a weakness for... women who like pets

14. My guilty pleasure is... Really bad SF & Fantasy tv

15. My favorite color is... purple

16. 3 adjectives about the color that made me choose it are that it is... warm, deep, promising

17. If I could have any animal for a pet it would be... A puppy, though we might fight.

18. 3 adjectives about the animal that made me choose it are that it is... playful, excitable, loving

19. If I could swim in any body of water it would be... the dead sea

20. 3 adjectives about that body of water that made me choose it are that it is... emmm none, i just can't swim and having been in the dead sea and not sank it was amazing!

21. This tag was... very delayed!

I tag Mistress *grin* as I want to see her post more in her blog ;-)

Do you ever...

... really get used to how quiet the house is after the weekend when he has gone home? Do you ever stop waking up in the middle of the night and wondering why its so quiet, lay there confused wondering whats missing and realise its the little sound of movement, of faintly heard breathing or a light snore?

Do you ever really see Monday's as anything except when something is taken away from you?

I guess I was spoiled with the long weekend. So glad I'm with him again tonight.

Courses

This weeks going to be a busy one. Started a 5 day course today on SUN Cluster. It was interesting but tiring, the drive was about an hour and a half each way, so I think thats going to be most of my week taken up! BUT I do get to babysit my boy tomorrow night and go see his school play!!! Wooohooooo!!!

Presents 2

The second... well...

A dear sweet fluffalicious angel of a girl who is too good for any of us. A girl who bombarded me with all the love and more that I could take. Who hunted me down in every place she could find me to ensure that I would feel more loved than I thought possible.

Who sent me just THE sweetest gift which makes me smile whenever I see it in my bedroom.

Thankyou darlin... your box has pride of place and the hugs and kisses just leak out of it and fill the house.

Presents 1

Two things will remain with me for a long long time after my birthday. Two incredibly generous gifts from two incredibly special people. People who have blessed me with their friendship, their time and their affection.

To explain the first, a little back story. At the beginning of the week, my Owner dropped a little bombshell on me. She told me she wanted me to go to the pet store and get a dog collar. She was fairly specific over the colouring and style. Tan and simple. The first attempt, I didn't see any I liked, and I didn't want to settle for anything that wasn't just right for her. So, the next day I trudged all the way to the other end of town and found he pet shop I didn't know was there :). It was about a 15min walk from the station and I spent the whole time trying not to think about not being able to find it, or not finding something that I liked. I must have spent a good 10mins while I was there, looking at the various collars distractedly to the point that when the shop assistant came and asked if i needed help - i jumped out of my skin. I knew the right one though, so I bought it.

I had to remind myself to breathe the whole walk home. I could feel the leather in my jacket pocket where I had my hand to keep it warm. Wrapped around my fingers. Holding it and buzzing quietly til I got all the way home and could lay it on the table.

I didn't know why til the day before my birthday. I came home from work and collected the post to find a little white envelope in it. There was a little printed stamp on it saying "pet tag". I have to admit at that point my hands were shaking so much I could barely open the envelope. I so hoped for what it might be... but didnt dare, so I just held my breath while i opened it, shaking out all the loose papers for pet insurance til a little brass disc fell into my palm.

I don't remember much of the evening after that, except talking to her online and her telling me to attach it to the collar and then put it on for her. A little disc with "Owned by...." on one side, and "Kitty" on the other. Her name for me... as I'm a pup that purrs. The fact she had ordered that for me, had it sent to me for my birthday. I was just humbled and proud at the same time. I will treasure it, just as I treasure her investment in me. Holding that in my hand... feeling it against the hollow of my neck. Just... oh my god.

Walks and weekends

I always used to dread my birthday, it was a time to remind me how lonely I felt when I was trapped in my marriage. How all our friends were really "her" friends. I avoided it except for the minimum needed for the boy to enjoy spoiling his dad.

This year was so different and so special thanks to my friends and my family. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. The generosity of people astounds me. Thankyou!!

My boy and ex took me out to dinner and we had a nice time, then curled up just the boy and I to enjoy it. It was great. The weekend was good too, a busy combination of putting up decorations, going to visit Basildon Park (a country house) to see their georgian decorations. There was also a treasure trail to spot all the reindeers hidden around. Afterwards we walked in the gardens. Such a beautiful spot in the sun. The rest of the weekend found its own way. A great weekend. A great birthday.

Birthdays

A thought for what has proved to be my happiest birthday ever, before it even started.


If you have no secrets, you never have anything to be ashamed of.


Thankyou, all my special wonderful friends who make my life so rich and have taught me so much.

Tidy

I feel so much better than last week. Its scary how much better. I am not even sleeping better... just, well happier and more like things are undercontrol.

I don't know if I am just very tired, or the herb is taking the edge off but my thoughts feel a lil slower, less frantic and nothing seems to quite matter so much and I am enjoying things. The muffledness is a little weird and my memory is really not good at the moment (I am in writing lists city) but feel pretty relaxed. I noticed today I was a lot chattier at work, rather than sit just thinking about not having anything to say I was just talking, and not really thinking about what I was saying. That just doing rather than thinking feels so much more comfortable and less forced. All in all, much nicer.

My appetite seems to be returning too! I've even let myself be bad and eat stuff I would normally avoid as being too fatty just because I wanted to eat at lunch... it won't have hurt me for a few days and its left me wanting to eat mainly fruit and things in the evening.

Best of all, even though I came home so very bitterly tired this evening, I didn't curl up. I read a few blogs then got on and tidied up the house. The lounge was a state after wrapping presents last night, the rest of the house... well not in a state I was proud of. Anyone that knows me well will know that while not obsessive about cleanliness, I like a tidy house with things in their place. I don't like clutter, I like just neatness and coming home to a nice house. For the last couple of weeks I've just not been bothered too or had energy to or the will. I've tidied for the boy to come at the weekend, but the week its just been left and I've ignored it and got messier in the week. The minimum to keep going.

Tonight the house is clean, the laundry is half-upto-date. Dishwasher loaded. Sink clear. Just need to vacuum tomorrow night, clean out the bath. It feels good!

I'm just very very tired.

Goodnight all.

(the picture is my boys advent candle I am burning every day for him :) )

S&M

A good new friend of mine promised to have someone talk to me about S&M as it is something out of my experience. I want to know things, know enough to know what is and isn't me and to understand a little about what drives others. Enough to try to understand and accept.

I've had a bad tendency in the past, due to the events described earlier, to go cold at physical things. Then... in my less nice to myself moments, a strong desire to be hurt, to be made to cry just so I felt something. This was not good, and something I tried to stifle whenever it came out as I knew it was destructive. It also put a bad light on other, more positive desire in that light.

I am glad to say... I don't think those thoughts have been in my head for months, not since before the collaring in fact. I am so glad to be rid of them and be able to enjoy the other thoughts.

The other thoughts of being spanked, yes... but also flogged by her, flogged so hard it hurt and I cried but could revel in it, that the marks would remain there to run your fingers over and keep you purring. This has been something in my mind for awhile, a secret desire worming in my head which I couldnt quite look at due to the past experience with pain... pain from one you loved and who was supposed to love you.

My good friend has opened my eyes. I was so missing the relationship involved. The buildup. The mindset. The way the mind leads the body and the body reinforces the mind. All I could see was the pain and the hurt and that just makes me instantly go cold. I think I understand a little more and understand quite why I've had those dreams. They are very much because its HER and because of the relationship we have.

Learning is good.

Fetishes likes pleasures

Yes, I did a lot of calm quiet nice thinking on that walk. I think these thoughts came from that quiet acceptence you get of yourself when faced with the infinite diversity of nature.. and that you dont have to try an fit in with everyone else as you have your own place just as yourself. I was thinking about the lovely lingerie at the store I'd passed at the beginning and then letting my mind go places I'd never really let it go before, especially to things that had appealed to me in the past but I could never really look at as they weren't NORMAL.

Reading blogs on alt, talking with friends... there is such a wide range in our tastes, desires, wants... needs. Some are more developed than others, some are just little tastelets. We don't have to want the whole thing, and that always confused me. I never really understood the desire behind pony play... and yet little things about some pet play did appeal to me. Puppy play anyway. Not everything.. but things. The fact that ALL of it doesn't appeal to me doesn't matter. Its a voyage of discovery. Its a voyage she has helped me discover. It takes turns that I don't expect or wouldn't necessarily have gone, but thats the delight of it being in her control. She has opened up things, things I wouldn't even have admitted to myself and made them feel wanted. Having admitted them, I have started to accept them in myself but that just makes it more wonderful when she twists and turns and delights in playing with things HER way.

So... the latest that came out as I looked at them. It sounds so silly in writing, but it was a kind of major leap in accepting my meness.

First was thinking back to my childhood, reflecting on things my boy has said... about things being "unfair" as boys can't do them. I've always had a strong desire... from when I was little to paint my toenails. See, I squirm just to say it as it has such connotations to it, things which arent part of me. I just like the thought of it even though its a simple thing. So there, said it. I have in mind this gorgeous dark blue colour. Silly isn't it? To be hung up on such a thing that society considers odd. Hell, I am single, living alone.. why shouldn't I make the most of it? Letting this seep out in my mind led to another, deeper hidden thought. That always attraction to women's lingerie... the elegance, the prettiness of them. You know it doesn't have to MEAN anything. It doesn't have to mean I want to act feminine or dress feminine or anything... I just like their prettiness. Hell it doesn't even mean I think I'd look good with painted toes or anything... just, I like them. Thats quite a leap in my mind. Its a nice leap.

I'm quite probably bi-sexual... Even though guys don't attract me, not in the way women do... or lead me to the same level of intimacy emotionally, I like people... I like people's sexuality both male and female. I like the tactileness of people and enjoying them and the thought of them enjoying me. Just, you know... its so simple isn't it? No stereotypes, no oh if you do that you must be this... just... enjoying yourself.

I have no idea where this might get taken but, you know, thats part of it, and I'm again so grateful for what I've been shown so far about myself and just quite HOW lucky I am to have had my eyes opened.

Chastity and restriction

otahyonii wrote an interesting article about orgasm denial in her blog on alt. I was thinking about this, amongst many things, as I wondered around Bournemouth (more of that later). I haven't really written much about sexuality recently... I guess because thats one part of my life that does get expressed in conversations with my Owner. I decided though that this type of play was one which had had such a profound effect on me that it really deserved to be written about.

A brief potted history of "me". I married my first gf at 22. She is the only girl I've ever kissed... and I waited til my wedding night before we slept together. She was never interested in sex (having what she wanted - security) and in fact with a year or two went the complete opposite, not even wanting to be touched by me, not even cuddled. After that, things settled a little... enough to have our son anyway, but with her post-natal depression we led into the final pattern of anger and blowups that split us apart, with both physical and emotionally abusive sides. We are both much happier apart and get on well as friends now we have that space between us and can walk away. Her hormone treatment also settled the cycles considerably. Anyway, one of the results of this was having my sexuality thrown in my face in those times of anger. I think the words hurt more than the physical side. When someone tries to hit or tries to put a pillow over your face or tries to put their hands around your neck you can just go limp, not react, go quiet and wait til its over... let their anger blow past when they don't get the reaction they want (I don't suggest you should do this in abusive situations, but it was reacting against her she wanted.. so not reacting would diffuse the situation). You just don't even think about it after awhile. It was the words that hurt though, she would throw in my face how crap I was in bed, how she hated me touching her. When we did have sex, I felt bad at being such a beast that I couldnt say no to those desires even though I knew it would come back in my face. So sex was quick and left a bad feeling in me as well as obviously a tendency to come very quickly.

To the present, and having worked out a lot of those issues... Chastity play, restrictions... all things which work well when you are involved in distance play. She trusts me, what I say, that what happens is what happened. That can't do anything but keep reinforcing the bond between us. I am not allowed to touch myself without permission. Not allowed to cum without permission. Everytime I see a pretty girl and get that hint of arousal, I am reminded. Everytime a word or phrase or thought comes up that does the same, I am reminded. I am reminded of her. I am reminded of her control, of her prescence, of the power exchange between us and my position.

When she tells me I can do something, the reaction is intense and immediate, no matter how I was feeling... and that again just reconfirms how my sexuality is entirely in her hands and for her amusement. I can't begin to say how much I love this. It works on more levels than I can begin to explain. The way the desire and hunger build up. The slightest thing making you feel needy and wanting. The way it tears through my normal restraint and the desire just burns in sheer animal lust. Whatever it is that arouses me, its her at the centre of my thoughts. Worming round n your mind. Even when I have been allowed to play, that knowledge is there it was because SHE wanted it.

So how does this relate to the past 10 years? Well... this was a little while ago, after my wonderful Owner had first started down this path... it had been two weeks of not touching. After teasing and talking she said to me simply I could stroke. That first stroke I have to say, I thought I would die. It was heaven. She taught me totally in that one moment how much I had been missing concentrating on the climax... rather than the sheer pleasure of the act itself. She totally changed my sexuality around in one moment and gave me back the pleasure I had been missing.

I cannot begin to express how much this means to me, how different I see things now. This just reminds me again the duality of the D/s relationship. I gave over that side of myself to her and she has enjoyed and eaten it up... and I have gained so much back from her in return. She has taught and is teaching me things which are life changing. I would have done it all for the smile on her face, but instead have been so richly blessed.

Sleeping

I took the valerian about half hour before bed. It's one of the main ingrediant in Kalms, which I've taken before so I've taken it before. After watching X Factor and the beginning of the Take That audience (hey, I'm the right age.. I was curious, thats all it was, honest) I snuggled down to sleep just before 10pm. Annoyingly but unsurprisingly I woke up about 2.30am as has been normal this week. The rest of the night was very on/off as it has been, mostly just lying in bed really NOT feeling tired. I don't know if its the placebo effect or if it was the herb but I was feeling slightly slow and my thoughts didn't go round and round so much. A little detached and distant so the time seemed to go quicker. I lay in bed enjoying the feel of the warmth of the duvet and the feel of the sheets and just thought about Mistress a lot to be honest, how much she meant to me, what she has said to me, the things I have learnt from her, the things I treasure, the reassurance and the trust I have in her - especially in those times when I feel bad about myself or feel I have nothing to offer anyone or could be no interest. I know how she see's me and I trust it... and I let myself dwell on those in my slightly slow state. Things didnt seem to get to me so much and I found myself idly thinking of her touch, her caress in my hair, her fingers running over my skin, her fingers inside me. Just her delight in me. Luxuriating in that and how my body reacted to those thoughts. Towards early morning... yes there were a few little bad thoughts but they couldn't linger with that in my mind. I couldn't get myself out of bed til about 8am, even though I wasn't sleeping... it was just nice being in the warm and having nothing to do. Today felt a little weird, still that same detachedness and slowness of thinking. I don't know if it was the herb or just my tiredness slowly taking its toll. It didn't feel a bad thing though, not if it took the edge off and stopped me going round in circles.

Sea walks

Saturday, when I left the boy playing, I got my dad to drop me off in Boscombe so I could go walking and Christmas shopping.

I started off by wandering through the arcade in Bournemouth to window shop in two of my favourite stores there. One is called "Down Under Lingerie" which apart from the normal male/female underwear also proudly displays all sorts of corsets and other items (think costumes, long sleeve gloves, etc) in the normal materials as well as PVC, etc. They have utterly beautiful window displays from the elegant to the downright erotic and kinky. *purrrr*

Just by them is another beautiful shop, Dazzle specialising in that lovely mix of goth/victorian/hippy/whatever you want to call it wear. Just beautiful. I did finally drag myself away from drooling over the displays and head out into the sun.


I felt good as I walked down the hill to the sea. When the first hint of the sea salt hit me I felt wonderful. Looking out into the ocean, the wind hitting my face, the sheer power of the sea as it swept against the beach (it was quite windy) the warmth of the sun despite the winter air. How can you not just feel how insignificant your problems are when faced with that? How can anything seem to matter when you just stand and stare and it seems to go on forever. The sea was there, doing that yesterday... a year ago... a hundred years ago. Way before I was born. It will be there a hundred years after I've gone. Its awe inspiring. How can we ever feel alone when nature is there, providing that constant, providing that beauty, providing that terrible power.


I walked along the sea front to Bournemouth, passing all the people who were walking - families, dog walkers, children, couples. It felt good knowing the same thing had drawn us all there. It felt so good to be in a place I really belonged. I've missed being outside so much, the long walks where you just enjoy being. It really is where I belong. Considering I can't swim and don't like deep water... I love water. Lakes. Rivers. Waterfalls. The sea. Ever changing, ever flowing, yet always there.

Being outside, in the open.. in the sun, with the wind in my face, it puts things in a good place and blew away many of the cobwebs that had been settling there. By time I reached Bournemouth I was happy. That quiet bubbly happy that puts a smile on your face and makes you look around in wonderment at the world around you and give a smile at all those hassled busy shoppers. It even put me in the mood for Christmas shopping :).

I really enjoyed the Christmas shopping. I think I must have spent over 2 hrs there. I found a couple of presents that were listed as sold out online in the first shop I went into (Past Times) which was SO awesome. I'd known exactly what I wanted to get these people and it would have been a shame to have to change... so finding it in a real store was perfect! Saved me postage too! From then it just got better. OK so I spent a fortune but I did it happily. Down to two presents left to get now. Each of these things was for a reason, for these friends who mean so much to me, none of the presents were out of obligation or because I had to find something. I stopped for a Starbucks at Borders to celebrate and made the walk home.



The walk home was as beautiful. Night was falling and it had a majesticness of its own. So different than the dark of trudging home from work. This was again nature showing her colours. Flaunting them and daring me not to be bedazzled by her beauty. I admit it. I'm in love and hope I never forget it.

I phoned Dad and he came to pick me up in Boscome. The whole family came out to get me and hearing the boy's excited "what did you get, what did you get" just finished it off.

I can't believe I've nearly finished my Christmas shopping now! Especially with the dog things this morning. I won't even deny wistfully looking at the collars and leashes in the pet store.

Freaking

OK, so while i have been nagged all my life about such things I've never actually managed to freak myself before. Well I guess there is a first for everything huh?

Before I showered on Sat evening I used my parents bathroom scales and almost wished I hadn't as it really freaked me out when it said 107lbs, but I think I'd rather have known. I knew this virus had knocked me back a bit but anyway. So apparently in the last 3 weeks or so I've lost about 7lbs and this explains why my jeans were feeling a little baggy. It may also go a way to explaining some of the lethargy and other things I've been feeling recently. I am really not very happy with myself about this, despite knowing just how unwell I had been feeling, so I will be careful now. I have not been this light in... 6 or 7 years?

I asked at the local health food store and they recommended Echinarea to help with my immune system and Valerian to help with my stress and sleep. So I bought some to go with my multi-vitamins as I start to build myself back up again. I'll also get some scales for this house to keep an eye on it.

A moment stepped out of time

It's probably been obvious I am not at my most content at the moment. One of the things I'm now learning that I actually learnt over the last year is how to admit when thats the case and to do practical things to cope with it, rather than living in denial. Part of this is to not try and be a superman and to ask for and accept help or do things to make it easier on myself.

So this weekend I asked if I could go down to see my parents and was really pleased that they were happy to accept the boy and I down there on such short notice. The boy was really pleased to be going down to see them as he wasn't expect to get down there til after Christmas, so I picked him up nice and early, about 8.30 on Sat morning. The boy lives just over an hours drive in the wrong direction to my parents so I was pleased he was ready and raring to go. He was in a wonderful mood, the hour and a quarter drive down to the coast went by so fast as we just chatted and gossiped and generally talked about nothing. He was playing and beeping away on his Tamagotchi as we went down, happily telling me how healthy it was or that he had just given it another injection or beaten it (that's my boy ;-) ), planning games out loud, talking about his week, talking about Christmas coming, scheming with me about Christmas presents we were going to buy.

When we got to my parents he couldn't believe it, he thought it had only been a few minutes. Time really does fly by with those you love.

It was great to see my parents. I'd started to relax as soon as I had the boy in the car and being around the folks, the normality of it, the ease we fall into the old ways, just the comfort of it. It was wonderful and just what i needed. As soon as I got there I knew i'd done the right thing. We got there nice and early, and apart from nearly giving Mum a heart attack as she wasn't expecting us there, it was great. We chatted and played for a bit. The boy sat down and wrote in every single one of the Christmas cards I needed him to write. He didn't complain once! He just looked at each card, asked who it was for and why I had bought that particular card for them and wrote in it, giving appropriate kisses and hearts depending on who it was. I love he knows and loves my friends even the ones online. I am so proud of his reading and writing, he read the insides of each card. He has become so patient, something I would never have believed with that flitterbrain.

I went out for a few hours after lunch (more of that later). This was something I used to feel really guilty about, but part of that learning experience. If I want to be the kind of Dad and friend I want to be, I need to be willing to take time for myself. He was happy playing camps in the lounge with the grandparents around and about and he had the choice, but didn't want to come with me. That was fair enough, he was a little tired and just wanted to play, so I felt happy with letting him get on with it. We sat and chatted and played in the evening later. He looked at all the Christmas presents I had bought and was over-the-moon I had found him an Advent Candle to burn at this house. I had a little chuckle to myself as the lil sod started to get grumpy and argumentative as the evening went on - everything I said about X Factor he just HAD to disagree with. He is very predictable. This is when you are glad you've given yourself the time for yourself, so you can just be patient and firm but not get mad back and just deal with it til the lil darling gets to bed.

Today he was in a lovely mood. He chatted and played and then he and I went to go feed the ducks. After the heavy rainstorms over night it was one of those glorious bright mornings, so we looked around to see how swollen the river was, going for a little walk. He actually ASKED if we could carry on walking as he wanted to go walk with me today, after not wanting to yesterday. We walked, up as far as the pet shop by all the super-stores and spent a happy 20mins browsing and choosing dog-christmas presents for my best friends beagle (I now have a Christmas Stocking, pig ears and Dog Christmas card to go into the pile to post up). I was pretty chuffed again with how far we walked, we must have been gone an hour - so we stopped off at a little tea room just around the corner from my parents so he could have a milkshake and i could have a coffee to warm.

Mmmmmm just perfect. I am NOT surprised he slept the whole journey home!

Inspirational words

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Time and space

You know, you can do the same thing but for different reasons and one can be good and one can be bad for you, just depending on why you make that choice.

Last night, I knew I felt a little fragile... so I was quiet. Quiet and kept myself to myself a little. I didn't feel like being around people, with trying to talk or getting myself more frustrated.

Now, with my history that could have been running away if I had of let it. Instead, I'd been honest with myself and admitted what would have been bad for me and made a decision. Yes... the same action, but for a completely different reason and one I am glad of. Giving myself time and space rather than hiding. Maybe something I should do more of.

Crucify

So, this was the thing I mentioned previously that I didn't want to write about but its the other side of the coin to the new found hope. Its there, so its written about. I didn't sleep well again last night. It took me awhile to get to sleep when I went to bed at 9pm, then was awake just after 2ish. The rest of the night was on/off with me becoming increasingly unpleasent towards myself in my thoughts, curling and twisting round the same hopeless vindictive thoughts at myself. The same old stories. Of course then by time it came to 5.30am I was tired and could have slept... but then work calls. Just keep it quietly inside so no one else has to suffer it with me.

I'm always reminded of a song at these times, well the times after. Tori Amos 'Crucify'. The line always sticks in my head "Why do we crucify ourselves, Every day I crucify myself". I would just change one line of the song though... instead of "Nothing I do is good enough for you" its "Nothing I do is good enough for me" as I know thats the reality of the situation. Knowing that doesn't tend to stop me when its 3am and I can't sleep though. It's what I do though, silently crucify myself in ways and words and thoughts I wouldn't dream of directing towards my worst enemy. The why's and what's don't really matter, they are just old demon's that come back to haunt me, the demon's of depression and how they manifest themselves. I finally got up feeling hopeless and resigned to this is how I am at my age in life so get used to it and with a shrug went into the day.

So... the thoughts from the station, the realisation of how we can change, no matter how impossible it seems. Well. It was a comforting thought and one I will let me carry through the day to the weekend.


--

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Bodies

I should call this blog "a matter of perspective". That seems to be a common theme. I had a torrid night, I'll write about that in a bit. I don't really want to write about that, its not a part of me I am proud of... but when I first started this I promised myself I would just write what was, no matter how it hurt, or how I didn't want to look at it or how I would worry how people saw me. This blog has always been about my headspace and has never been about wanting sympathy or oh look at me or wanting attention. Its for me and me alone, to ground myself, to give myself a sense of reality and perspective on my own thoughts. A mirror.

First though this morning. Its the weirdest thing. After another bad night sleeping I was walking from the station into work, thinking. I guess most of the bad thoughts had already come out by then and some sense of calm or resignedness was settling in, so I was just kind of idly poking around inside my head to see what was there. I was thinking about how I saw myself and I think, just a week before my 35th birthday, I realised I've actually finally come to like my body. This was a bit of a shock as I guess its been such a gradual thing it's crept upto on me. There were so many years where I disliked looking in a mirror or avoided looking at myself undressed. So many years where it got to me when people would talk about feeding me up or about being too skinny. So many years of getting quietly angry inside when kids would make comments as I walked down the street (yes, they still do sometimes).

I remembered Maddy asking in her blog (hey darlin btw, love you too) what part of ourselves we loved most and at the time I said my bum (as it is kinda nice I think). Now I think I have to say I actually like all of me. I am not skinny, I am slim. I am not gawky and awkward I am co-ordinated enough to do what I need to do. My legs aren't bandy or stick thin, they are tight and muscled. I am not too white or ill looking, I am just pale and that accents my slimness. I am not weak, I am just not overly muscled in ways that would look odd on my frame. I am not underweight, I am the natural weight for my body at this time in my life, the weight it wants to be at. I am not ugly, I have a face that shows how I feel and a smile that lights it up. My voice isn't too high, it's expressive and can't hide whats inside me. Yes... I get worn down pretty easily, yes when I am stressed or unwell I suffer from acne but so do many others. Its just a physiological fact and nothing to really get hung up about.

I like how I look. I really do. Let's not talk about my complete lack of fashion-sense. I like how I look underneath that. I am most comfortable naked as its just how I am. This week talking with a new friend helped me click all this into place. We were talking and she addressed probably the last thing I hadn't quite got into the right perspective. I think my attitude had slowly been changing thanks to things others had said, the seeds had all been sown. But she opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and now I'm finally content with it. I made that leap from kind of understanding and accepting others saw things differently to me, to actually seeing it differently myself. So. Another demon put to rest. It was an important moment, and I think I realise quite how important it was in hindsight now.

It felt good. Especially after the night. A week before my birthday and I find somehow in the last year I've grown to like my body without even really seeing the change or knowing how it happened. Sometimes I get despondent of how can I ever change, I mean after 34 years like this... is there really a chance to change how we think? Isn't this just me and how I am?

Somehow... someway I find something I never thought possible HAS changed, without me even knowing it. That has to give you hope, doesn't it? I know it's made me feel a lot happier and more content despite the other side. Kinda that its just another thing to get in its place, give it time... give it time.