Presents 2

The second... well...

A dear sweet fluffalicious angel of a girl who is too good for any of us. A girl who bombarded me with all the love and more that I could take. Who hunted me down in every place she could find me to ensure that I would feel more loved than I thought possible.

Who sent me just THE sweetest gift which makes me smile whenever I see it in my bedroom.

Thankyou darlin... your box has pride of place and the hugs and kisses just leak out of it and fill the house.

Presents 1

Two things will remain with me for a long long time after my birthday. Two incredibly generous gifts from two incredibly special people. People who have blessed me with their friendship, their time and their affection.

To explain the first, a little back story. At the beginning of the week, my Owner dropped a little bombshell on me. She told me she wanted me to go to the pet store and get a dog collar. She was fairly specific over the colouring and style. Tan and simple. The first attempt, I didn't see any I liked, and I didn't want to settle for anything that wasn't just right for her. So, the next day I trudged all the way to the other end of town and found he pet shop I didn't know was there :). It was about a 15min walk from the station and I spent the whole time trying not to think about not being able to find it, or not finding something that I liked. I must have spent a good 10mins while I was there, looking at the various collars distractedly to the point that when the shop assistant came and asked if i needed help - i jumped out of my skin. I knew the right one though, so I bought it.

I had to remind myself to breathe the whole walk home. I could feel the leather in my jacket pocket where I had my hand to keep it warm. Wrapped around my fingers. Holding it and buzzing quietly til I got all the way home and could lay it on the table.

I didn't know why til the day before my birthday. I came home from work and collected the post to find a little white envelope in it. There was a little printed stamp on it saying "pet tag". I have to admit at that point my hands were shaking so much I could barely open the envelope. I so hoped for what it might be... but didnt dare, so I just held my breath while i opened it, shaking out all the loose papers for pet insurance til a little brass disc fell into my palm.

I don't remember much of the evening after that, except talking to her online and her telling me to attach it to the collar and then put it on for her. A little disc with "Owned by...." on one side, and "Kitty" on the other. Her name for me... as I'm a pup that purrs. The fact she had ordered that for me, had it sent to me for my birthday. I was just humbled and proud at the same time. I will treasure it, just as I treasure her investment in me. Holding that in my hand... feeling it against the hollow of my neck. Just... oh my god.

Walks and weekends

I always used to dread my birthday, it was a time to remind me how lonely I felt when I was trapped in my marriage. How all our friends were really "her" friends. I avoided it except for the minimum needed for the boy to enjoy spoiling his dad.

This year was so different and so special thanks to my friends and my family. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. The generosity of people astounds me. Thankyou!!

My boy and ex took me out to dinner and we had a nice time, then curled up just the boy and I to enjoy it. It was great. The weekend was good too, a busy combination of putting up decorations, going to visit Basildon Park (a country house) to see their georgian decorations. There was also a treasure trail to spot all the reindeers hidden around. Afterwards we walked in the gardens. Such a beautiful spot in the sun. The rest of the weekend found its own way. A great weekend. A great birthday.

Birthdays

A thought for what has proved to be my happiest birthday ever, before it even started.


If you have no secrets, you never have anything to be ashamed of.


Thankyou, all my special wonderful friends who make my life so rich and have taught me so much.

Tidy

I feel so much better than last week. Its scary how much better. I am not even sleeping better... just, well happier and more like things are undercontrol.

I don't know if I am just very tired, or the herb is taking the edge off but my thoughts feel a lil slower, less frantic and nothing seems to quite matter so much and I am enjoying things. The muffledness is a little weird and my memory is really not good at the moment (I am in writing lists city) but feel pretty relaxed. I noticed today I was a lot chattier at work, rather than sit just thinking about not having anything to say I was just talking, and not really thinking about what I was saying. That just doing rather than thinking feels so much more comfortable and less forced. All in all, much nicer.

My appetite seems to be returning too! I've even let myself be bad and eat stuff I would normally avoid as being too fatty just because I wanted to eat at lunch... it won't have hurt me for a few days and its left me wanting to eat mainly fruit and things in the evening.

Best of all, even though I came home so very bitterly tired this evening, I didn't curl up. I read a few blogs then got on and tidied up the house. The lounge was a state after wrapping presents last night, the rest of the house... well not in a state I was proud of. Anyone that knows me well will know that while not obsessive about cleanliness, I like a tidy house with things in their place. I don't like clutter, I like just neatness and coming home to a nice house. For the last couple of weeks I've just not been bothered too or had energy to or the will. I've tidied for the boy to come at the weekend, but the week its just been left and I've ignored it and got messier in the week. The minimum to keep going.

Tonight the house is clean, the laundry is half-upto-date. Dishwasher loaded. Sink clear. Just need to vacuum tomorrow night, clean out the bath. It feels good!

I'm just very very tired.

Goodnight all.

(the picture is my boys advent candle I am burning every day for him :) )

S&M

A good new friend of mine promised to have someone talk to me about S&M as it is something out of my experience. I want to know things, know enough to know what is and isn't me and to understand a little about what drives others. Enough to try to understand and accept.

I've had a bad tendency in the past, due to the events described earlier, to go cold at physical things. Then... in my less nice to myself moments, a strong desire to be hurt, to be made to cry just so I felt something. This was not good, and something I tried to stifle whenever it came out as I knew it was destructive. It also put a bad light on other, more positive desire in that light.

I am glad to say... I don't think those thoughts have been in my head for months, not since before the collaring in fact. I am so glad to be rid of them and be able to enjoy the other thoughts.

The other thoughts of being spanked, yes... but also flogged by her, flogged so hard it hurt and I cried but could revel in it, that the marks would remain there to run your fingers over and keep you purring. This has been something in my mind for awhile, a secret desire worming in my head which I couldnt quite look at due to the past experience with pain... pain from one you loved and who was supposed to love you.

My good friend has opened my eyes. I was so missing the relationship involved. The buildup. The mindset. The way the mind leads the body and the body reinforces the mind. All I could see was the pain and the hurt and that just makes me instantly go cold. I think I understand a little more and understand quite why I've had those dreams. They are very much because its HER and because of the relationship we have.

Learning is good.

Fetishes likes pleasures

Yes, I did a lot of calm quiet nice thinking on that walk. I think these thoughts came from that quiet acceptence you get of yourself when faced with the infinite diversity of nature.. and that you dont have to try an fit in with everyone else as you have your own place just as yourself. I was thinking about the lovely lingerie at the store I'd passed at the beginning and then letting my mind go places I'd never really let it go before, especially to things that had appealed to me in the past but I could never really look at as they weren't NORMAL.

Reading blogs on alt, talking with friends... there is such a wide range in our tastes, desires, wants... needs. Some are more developed than others, some are just little tastelets. We don't have to want the whole thing, and that always confused me. I never really understood the desire behind pony play... and yet little things about some pet play did appeal to me. Puppy play anyway. Not everything.. but things. The fact that ALL of it doesn't appeal to me doesn't matter. Its a voyage of discovery. Its a voyage she has helped me discover. It takes turns that I don't expect or wouldn't necessarily have gone, but thats the delight of it being in her control. She has opened up things, things I wouldn't even have admitted to myself and made them feel wanted. Having admitted them, I have started to accept them in myself but that just makes it more wonderful when she twists and turns and delights in playing with things HER way.

So... the latest that came out as I looked at them. It sounds so silly in writing, but it was a kind of major leap in accepting my meness.

First was thinking back to my childhood, reflecting on things my boy has said... about things being "unfair" as boys can't do them. I've always had a strong desire... from when I was little to paint my toenails. See, I squirm just to say it as it has such connotations to it, things which arent part of me. I just like the thought of it even though its a simple thing. So there, said it. I have in mind this gorgeous dark blue colour. Silly isn't it? To be hung up on such a thing that society considers odd. Hell, I am single, living alone.. why shouldn't I make the most of it? Letting this seep out in my mind led to another, deeper hidden thought. That always attraction to women's lingerie... the elegance, the prettiness of them. You know it doesn't have to MEAN anything. It doesn't have to mean I want to act feminine or dress feminine or anything... I just like their prettiness. Hell it doesn't even mean I think I'd look good with painted toes or anything... just, I like them. Thats quite a leap in my mind. Its a nice leap.

I'm quite probably bi-sexual... Even though guys don't attract me, not in the way women do... or lead me to the same level of intimacy emotionally, I like people... I like people's sexuality both male and female. I like the tactileness of people and enjoying them and the thought of them enjoying me. Just, you know... its so simple isn't it? No stereotypes, no oh if you do that you must be this... just... enjoying yourself.

I have no idea where this might get taken but, you know, thats part of it, and I'm again so grateful for what I've been shown so far about myself and just quite HOW lucky I am to have had my eyes opened.

Chastity and restriction

otahyonii wrote an interesting article about orgasm denial in her blog on alt. I was thinking about this, amongst many things, as I wondered around Bournemouth (more of that later). I haven't really written much about sexuality recently... I guess because thats one part of my life that does get expressed in conversations with my Owner. I decided though that this type of play was one which had had such a profound effect on me that it really deserved to be written about.

A brief potted history of "me". I married my first gf at 22. She is the only girl I've ever kissed... and I waited til my wedding night before we slept together. She was never interested in sex (having what she wanted - security) and in fact with a year or two went the complete opposite, not even wanting to be touched by me, not even cuddled. After that, things settled a little... enough to have our son anyway, but with her post-natal depression we led into the final pattern of anger and blowups that split us apart, with both physical and emotionally abusive sides. We are both much happier apart and get on well as friends now we have that space between us and can walk away. Her hormone treatment also settled the cycles considerably. Anyway, one of the results of this was having my sexuality thrown in my face in those times of anger. I think the words hurt more than the physical side. When someone tries to hit or tries to put a pillow over your face or tries to put their hands around your neck you can just go limp, not react, go quiet and wait til its over... let their anger blow past when they don't get the reaction they want (I don't suggest you should do this in abusive situations, but it was reacting against her she wanted.. so not reacting would diffuse the situation). You just don't even think about it after awhile. It was the words that hurt though, she would throw in my face how crap I was in bed, how she hated me touching her. When we did have sex, I felt bad at being such a beast that I couldnt say no to those desires even though I knew it would come back in my face. So sex was quick and left a bad feeling in me as well as obviously a tendency to come very quickly.

To the present, and having worked out a lot of those issues... Chastity play, restrictions... all things which work well when you are involved in distance play. She trusts me, what I say, that what happens is what happened. That can't do anything but keep reinforcing the bond between us. I am not allowed to touch myself without permission. Not allowed to cum without permission. Everytime I see a pretty girl and get that hint of arousal, I am reminded. Everytime a word or phrase or thought comes up that does the same, I am reminded. I am reminded of her. I am reminded of her control, of her prescence, of the power exchange between us and my position.

When she tells me I can do something, the reaction is intense and immediate, no matter how I was feeling... and that again just reconfirms how my sexuality is entirely in her hands and for her amusement. I can't begin to say how much I love this. It works on more levels than I can begin to explain. The way the desire and hunger build up. The slightest thing making you feel needy and wanting. The way it tears through my normal restraint and the desire just burns in sheer animal lust. Whatever it is that arouses me, its her at the centre of my thoughts. Worming round n your mind. Even when I have been allowed to play, that knowledge is there it was because SHE wanted it.

So how does this relate to the past 10 years? Well... this was a little while ago, after my wonderful Owner had first started down this path... it had been two weeks of not touching. After teasing and talking she said to me simply I could stroke. That first stroke I have to say, I thought I would die. It was heaven. She taught me totally in that one moment how much I had been missing concentrating on the climax... rather than the sheer pleasure of the act itself. She totally changed my sexuality around in one moment and gave me back the pleasure I had been missing.

I cannot begin to express how much this means to me, how different I see things now. This just reminds me again the duality of the D/s relationship. I gave over that side of myself to her and she has enjoyed and eaten it up... and I have gained so much back from her in return. She has taught and is teaching me things which are life changing. I would have done it all for the smile on her face, but instead have been so richly blessed.

Sleeping

I took the valerian about half hour before bed. It's one of the main ingrediant in Kalms, which I've taken before so I've taken it before. After watching X Factor and the beginning of the Take That audience (hey, I'm the right age.. I was curious, thats all it was, honest) I snuggled down to sleep just before 10pm. Annoyingly but unsurprisingly I woke up about 2.30am as has been normal this week. The rest of the night was very on/off as it has been, mostly just lying in bed really NOT feeling tired. I don't know if its the placebo effect or if it was the herb but I was feeling slightly slow and my thoughts didn't go round and round so much. A little detached and distant so the time seemed to go quicker. I lay in bed enjoying the feel of the warmth of the duvet and the feel of the sheets and just thought about Mistress a lot to be honest, how much she meant to me, what she has said to me, the things I have learnt from her, the things I treasure, the reassurance and the trust I have in her - especially in those times when I feel bad about myself or feel I have nothing to offer anyone or could be no interest. I know how she see's me and I trust it... and I let myself dwell on those in my slightly slow state. Things didnt seem to get to me so much and I found myself idly thinking of her touch, her caress in my hair, her fingers running over my skin, her fingers inside me. Just her delight in me. Luxuriating in that and how my body reacted to those thoughts. Towards early morning... yes there were a few little bad thoughts but they couldn't linger with that in my mind. I couldn't get myself out of bed til about 8am, even though I wasn't sleeping... it was just nice being in the warm and having nothing to do. Today felt a little weird, still that same detachedness and slowness of thinking. I don't know if it was the herb or just my tiredness slowly taking its toll. It didn't feel a bad thing though, not if it took the edge off and stopped me going round in circles.

Sea walks

Saturday, when I left the boy playing, I got my dad to drop me off in Boscombe so I could go walking and Christmas shopping.

I started off by wandering through the arcade in Bournemouth to window shop in two of my favourite stores there. One is called "Down Under Lingerie" which apart from the normal male/female underwear also proudly displays all sorts of corsets and other items (think costumes, long sleeve gloves, etc) in the normal materials as well as PVC, etc. They have utterly beautiful window displays from the elegant to the downright erotic and kinky. *purrrr*

Just by them is another beautiful shop, Dazzle specialising in that lovely mix of goth/victorian/hippy/whatever you want to call it wear. Just beautiful. I did finally drag myself away from drooling over the displays and head out into the sun.


I felt good as I walked down the hill to the sea. When the first hint of the sea salt hit me I felt wonderful. Looking out into the ocean, the wind hitting my face, the sheer power of the sea as it swept against the beach (it was quite windy) the warmth of the sun despite the winter air. How can you not just feel how insignificant your problems are when faced with that? How can anything seem to matter when you just stand and stare and it seems to go on forever. The sea was there, doing that yesterday... a year ago... a hundred years ago. Way before I was born. It will be there a hundred years after I've gone. Its awe inspiring. How can we ever feel alone when nature is there, providing that constant, providing that beauty, providing that terrible power.


I walked along the sea front to Bournemouth, passing all the people who were walking - families, dog walkers, children, couples. It felt good knowing the same thing had drawn us all there. It felt so good to be in a place I really belonged. I've missed being outside so much, the long walks where you just enjoy being. It really is where I belong. Considering I can't swim and don't like deep water... I love water. Lakes. Rivers. Waterfalls. The sea. Ever changing, ever flowing, yet always there.

Being outside, in the open.. in the sun, with the wind in my face, it puts things in a good place and blew away many of the cobwebs that had been settling there. By time I reached Bournemouth I was happy. That quiet bubbly happy that puts a smile on your face and makes you look around in wonderment at the world around you and give a smile at all those hassled busy shoppers. It even put me in the mood for Christmas shopping :).

I really enjoyed the Christmas shopping. I think I must have spent over 2 hrs there. I found a couple of presents that were listed as sold out online in the first shop I went into (Past Times) which was SO awesome. I'd known exactly what I wanted to get these people and it would have been a shame to have to change... so finding it in a real store was perfect! Saved me postage too! From then it just got better. OK so I spent a fortune but I did it happily. Down to two presents left to get now. Each of these things was for a reason, for these friends who mean so much to me, none of the presents were out of obligation or because I had to find something. I stopped for a Starbucks at Borders to celebrate and made the walk home.



The walk home was as beautiful. Night was falling and it had a majesticness of its own. So different than the dark of trudging home from work. This was again nature showing her colours. Flaunting them and daring me not to be bedazzled by her beauty. I admit it. I'm in love and hope I never forget it.

I phoned Dad and he came to pick me up in Boscome. The whole family came out to get me and hearing the boy's excited "what did you get, what did you get" just finished it off.

I can't believe I've nearly finished my Christmas shopping now! Especially with the dog things this morning. I won't even deny wistfully looking at the collars and leashes in the pet store.

Freaking

OK, so while i have been nagged all my life about such things I've never actually managed to freak myself before. Well I guess there is a first for everything huh?

Before I showered on Sat evening I used my parents bathroom scales and almost wished I hadn't as it really freaked me out when it said 107lbs, but I think I'd rather have known. I knew this virus had knocked me back a bit but anyway. So apparently in the last 3 weeks or so I've lost about 7lbs and this explains why my jeans were feeling a little baggy. It may also go a way to explaining some of the lethargy and other things I've been feeling recently. I am really not very happy with myself about this, despite knowing just how unwell I had been feeling, so I will be careful now. I have not been this light in... 6 or 7 years?

I asked at the local health food store and they recommended Echinarea to help with my immune system and Valerian to help with my stress and sleep. So I bought some to go with my multi-vitamins as I start to build myself back up again. I'll also get some scales for this house to keep an eye on it.

A moment stepped out of time

It's probably been obvious I am not at my most content at the moment. One of the things I'm now learning that I actually learnt over the last year is how to admit when thats the case and to do practical things to cope with it, rather than living in denial. Part of this is to not try and be a superman and to ask for and accept help or do things to make it easier on myself.

So this weekend I asked if I could go down to see my parents and was really pleased that they were happy to accept the boy and I down there on such short notice. The boy was really pleased to be going down to see them as he wasn't expect to get down there til after Christmas, so I picked him up nice and early, about 8.30 on Sat morning. The boy lives just over an hours drive in the wrong direction to my parents so I was pleased he was ready and raring to go. He was in a wonderful mood, the hour and a quarter drive down to the coast went by so fast as we just chatted and gossiped and generally talked about nothing. He was playing and beeping away on his Tamagotchi as we went down, happily telling me how healthy it was or that he had just given it another injection or beaten it (that's my boy ;-) ), planning games out loud, talking about his week, talking about Christmas coming, scheming with me about Christmas presents we were going to buy.

When we got to my parents he couldn't believe it, he thought it had only been a few minutes. Time really does fly by with those you love.

It was great to see my parents. I'd started to relax as soon as I had the boy in the car and being around the folks, the normality of it, the ease we fall into the old ways, just the comfort of it. It was wonderful and just what i needed. As soon as I got there I knew i'd done the right thing. We got there nice and early, and apart from nearly giving Mum a heart attack as she wasn't expecting us there, it was great. We chatted and played for a bit. The boy sat down and wrote in every single one of the Christmas cards I needed him to write. He didn't complain once! He just looked at each card, asked who it was for and why I had bought that particular card for them and wrote in it, giving appropriate kisses and hearts depending on who it was. I love he knows and loves my friends even the ones online. I am so proud of his reading and writing, he read the insides of each card. He has become so patient, something I would never have believed with that flitterbrain.

I went out for a few hours after lunch (more of that later). This was something I used to feel really guilty about, but part of that learning experience. If I want to be the kind of Dad and friend I want to be, I need to be willing to take time for myself. He was happy playing camps in the lounge with the grandparents around and about and he had the choice, but didn't want to come with me. That was fair enough, he was a little tired and just wanted to play, so I felt happy with letting him get on with it. We sat and chatted and played in the evening later. He looked at all the Christmas presents I had bought and was over-the-moon I had found him an Advent Candle to burn at this house. I had a little chuckle to myself as the lil sod started to get grumpy and argumentative as the evening went on - everything I said about X Factor he just HAD to disagree with. He is very predictable. This is when you are glad you've given yourself the time for yourself, so you can just be patient and firm but not get mad back and just deal with it til the lil darling gets to bed.

Today he was in a lovely mood. He chatted and played and then he and I went to go feed the ducks. After the heavy rainstorms over night it was one of those glorious bright mornings, so we looked around to see how swollen the river was, going for a little walk. He actually ASKED if we could carry on walking as he wanted to go walk with me today, after not wanting to yesterday. We walked, up as far as the pet shop by all the super-stores and spent a happy 20mins browsing and choosing dog-christmas presents for my best friends beagle (I now have a Christmas Stocking, pig ears and Dog Christmas card to go into the pile to post up). I was pretty chuffed again with how far we walked, we must have been gone an hour - so we stopped off at a little tea room just around the corner from my parents so he could have a milkshake and i could have a coffee to warm.

Mmmmmm just perfect. I am NOT surprised he slept the whole journey home!

Inspirational words

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Time and space

You know, you can do the same thing but for different reasons and one can be good and one can be bad for you, just depending on why you make that choice.

Last night, I knew I felt a little fragile... so I was quiet. Quiet and kept myself to myself a little. I didn't feel like being around people, with trying to talk or getting myself more frustrated.

Now, with my history that could have been running away if I had of let it. Instead, I'd been honest with myself and admitted what would have been bad for me and made a decision. Yes... the same action, but for a completely different reason and one I am glad of. Giving myself time and space rather than hiding. Maybe something I should do more of.

Crucify

So, this was the thing I mentioned previously that I didn't want to write about but its the other side of the coin to the new found hope. Its there, so its written about. I didn't sleep well again last night. It took me awhile to get to sleep when I went to bed at 9pm, then was awake just after 2ish. The rest of the night was on/off with me becoming increasingly unpleasent towards myself in my thoughts, curling and twisting round the same hopeless vindictive thoughts at myself. The same old stories. Of course then by time it came to 5.30am I was tired and could have slept... but then work calls. Just keep it quietly inside so no one else has to suffer it with me.

I'm always reminded of a song at these times, well the times after. Tori Amos 'Crucify'. The line always sticks in my head "Why do we crucify ourselves, Every day I crucify myself". I would just change one line of the song though... instead of "Nothing I do is good enough for you" its "Nothing I do is good enough for me" as I know thats the reality of the situation. Knowing that doesn't tend to stop me when its 3am and I can't sleep though. It's what I do though, silently crucify myself in ways and words and thoughts I wouldn't dream of directing towards my worst enemy. The why's and what's don't really matter, they are just old demon's that come back to haunt me, the demon's of depression and how they manifest themselves. I finally got up feeling hopeless and resigned to this is how I am at my age in life so get used to it and with a shrug went into the day.

So... the thoughts from the station, the realisation of how we can change, no matter how impossible it seems. Well. It was a comforting thought and one I will let me carry through the day to the weekend.


--

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets

Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets

I've been raising up my hands

Drive another nail in

Just what God needs

One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves

Every day I crucify myself

Nothing I do is good enough for you

Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself

And my heart is sick of being in chains

Bodies

I should call this blog "a matter of perspective". That seems to be a common theme. I had a torrid night, I'll write about that in a bit. I don't really want to write about that, its not a part of me I am proud of... but when I first started this I promised myself I would just write what was, no matter how it hurt, or how I didn't want to look at it or how I would worry how people saw me. This blog has always been about my headspace and has never been about wanting sympathy or oh look at me or wanting attention. Its for me and me alone, to ground myself, to give myself a sense of reality and perspective on my own thoughts. A mirror.

First though this morning. Its the weirdest thing. After another bad night sleeping I was walking from the station into work, thinking. I guess most of the bad thoughts had already come out by then and some sense of calm or resignedness was settling in, so I was just kind of idly poking around inside my head to see what was there. I was thinking about how I saw myself and I think, just a week before my 35th birthday, I realised I've actually finally come to like my body. This was a bit of a shock as I guess its been such a gradual thing it's crept upto on me. There were so many years where I disliked looking in a mirror or avoided looking at myself undressed. So many years where it got to me when people would talk about feeding me up or about being too skinny. So many years of getting quietly angry inside when kids would make comments as I walked down the street (yes, they still do sometimes).

I remembered Maddy asking in her blog (hey darlin btw, love you too) what part of ourselves we loved most and at the time I said my bum (as it is kinda nice I think). Now I think I have to say I actually like all of me. I am not skinny, I am slim. I am not gawky and awkward I am co-ordinated enough to do what I need to do. My legs aren't bandy or stick thin, they are tight and muscled. I am not too white or ill looking, I am just pale and that accents my slimness. I am not weak, I am just not overly muscled in ways that would look odd on my frame. I am not underweight, I am the natural weight for my body at this time in my life, the weight it wants to be at. I am not ugly, I have a face that shows how I feel and a smile that lights it up. My voice isn't too high, it's expressive and can't hide whats inside me. Yes... I get worn down pretty easily, yes when I am stressed or unwell I suffer from acne but so do many others. Its just a physiological fact and nothing to really get hung up about.

I like how I look. I really do. Let's not talk about my complete lack of fashion-sense. I like how I look underneath that. I am most comfortable naked as its just how I am. This week talking with a new friend helped me click all this into place. We were talking and she addressed probably the last thing I hadn't quite got into the right perspective. I think my attitude had slowly been changing thanks to things others had said, the seeds had all been sown. But she opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and now I'm finally content with it. I made that leap from kind of understanding and accepting others saw things differently to me, to actually seeing it differently myself. So. Another demon put to rest. It was an important moment, and I think I realise quite how important it was in hindsight now.

It felt good. Especially after the night. A week before my birthday and I find somehow in the last year I've grown to like my body without even really seeing the change or knowing how it happened. Sometimes I get despondent of how can I ever change, I mean after 34 years like this... is there really a chance to change how we think? Isn't this just me and how I am?

Somehow... someway I find something I never thought possible HAS changed, without me even knowing it. That has to give you hope, doesn't it? I know it's made me feel a lot happier and more content despite the other side. Kinda that its just another thing to get in its place, give it time... give it time.

Meetings

This morning sums up the frustration I have with work at times.

We had our team meeting. An hour where our boss told us he didn't know things, couldn't do things or had no information to tell us on a variety of subjects. We also went through a pre-audit checklist where he agreed we didn't have any real processes or procedures ourselves but it was ok, as they weren't going to audit us. I find this a little demotivating and demoralising. When your boss just sits there agreeing how bad things are and that none of the management above him tell him anything but that they should... well... it breeds a certain culture.

I am not saying I want to be lied to and be told all is fluffy. I'm a big boy and I've worked in big and small business... I know the reality of financials and the bottom line and how it comes down to money in the end. However, realistically yes there are things which are out of our hands or management won't have decided, or won't tell but... We don't need to be reminded of it quite so much, especially as it displays his frustration and lack of control so clearly.

The design review later went as they typically do. We, as operational staff, asked the questions such as how would this be supported, infrastructure in place to manage it, etc, etc, which had been ignored by the design staff who have no operational responsibility. No one likes to say "no" to the projects, or point out the implications of doing things - so its left to us. I hope we don't come across as awkward but instead as trying to do a conscientious job and the best we can with whats available. However, if no one asks... how will anyone know these things are just going to cause problems in the future?

I slept last night. From about 8.30pm til 1.30ish... then about 40mins later til 6am. This morning I was so heavy and muzzy headed I couldnt get out of bed and lazed there til nearly time for the second train. Glad I did too as the train was so delayed I ended up catching my normal train just 40mins later! Now I am feeling weary as the last few days have caught up with me. Yesterday it was masked by my sleepiness, now its just sinking into my aches and pains.

God I must be getting old!

Days

A tired day at work is a weird one. Sometimes it seems to go fast, sometimes it seems to go slowly. I always seem to end up working late for some reason, I guess to compensate for the fact I think I didn't really concentrate.

I'm glad I sent that email in the night, the head of the Customer Systems read it before a 9am meeting we knew nothing about and weren't invited to. Apparently he mentioned the email but didn't understand it so came to talk to us afterwards. We discussed the options and he went away happy to talk to people. That felt good.

Had a meeting which we really weren't keen on having, more stuff dragged up from the past. I think my tiredness reduced my tolerance and reticence so I went in and just put our point of view over and how things were going to be, before they really had a chance to start speaking. That was the end of it! It was so nice to not have another pointless meeting drag on and waste more time.

More annoyingly later... the design guy came down, and we mentioned about the CRM system. Seems now that its become politically interesting they are interested and have decided a mere 30k on a new system will provide the resilience. 30k!! thats peanuts! This problem has been there for over 2 years and has been raised by us so many times, falling on deaf ears. So many times they have said it would cost too much, etc, etc. Its so frustrating, so much time wasted because they didn't want to get involved and now an arbitary decision such a small system would cover it.

In a way it makes me wonder why I bothered... but to be honest I think without it it wouldnt have provoked them to make any contribution, so it still was worth it. The other alternatives suggested previously were... nuts.

Have to see the bright side, don't you?

Work & Sleep

I'm having trouble sleeping again. The night before it was nightmares and then unable to sleep. Tonight I went to bed early, just after 9 and then by 1am I just couldn't sleep. I lay in bed for about an hour tossing and turning til I followed the advice of a wise woman I know "If you aren't sleeping in the bed, or doing something else... then you shouldn't be in the bed." A wise thought and one that stops associating the frustration of not being able to sleep with the bedroom.

So I got up and did some work. Something that was on my mind and I really wanted to do last night but didn't have the concentration span to do. It comes to something when writing an email counts as an achievement, but it was a constructive, helpful, proactive, elegant and technically sensible one and something I probably wouldn't have got chance to do in the day with all the hassles. I know thats probably half of what was on my mind before I went to sleep as it was the last thing at work yesterday.

Work is, I think, beginning to stress me again. I know I am finding it harder to switch my mind off in the evenings, as evidenced by the lack of sleep the last few nights. We are getting into Christmas silly season with full swing. This means managers from our customer randomly coming up with panicked predictions of load over Christmas with no real idea what might happen, just demands it be fixed. Well, if there was a problem and we knew what was wanted we probably would... but with the amount of "this must be done by Christmas" projects in at the moment, something is going to have to give - and i hope its not us.

This particular one is the thorn in our flesh. Our CRM system. Since it went in to replace the previous disaster it has had "issues". Many of the code changes introduce new queries which just hammer the system. Short term fix? Throw more tin at it and make it bigger. Then the code gets kind of fixed, the performance problem goes away again and no one really addresses the issue as its "working". Til next time. Of course each of these quick fixes means a desperate rush to get it done as everything is broken. The slow time afterwards then just gets taken by other, new, more urgent projects. This one has been owned by so many managers arranging meetings which never went anywhere, taking time where we went, heard the same things, never quite knew what people thought they wanted, then went away again and went quiet as something had been "seen" to be done. People making noise for the sake of wanting to be seen to be making noise. Nothing has been achieved upto now except to nark us off.

So. Now another manager has it and he came to see us yesterday, after another round of meetings that this time we WERENT invited to. (Another fun game at our place, the attendee's of meetings change and then things get decided for the others to do, so you THINK you know what was going on as you went to some meetings, but really you don't.... its just a false sense of security). The "definition" of the problem has changed, but they try and shoe-horn in our previous comments which are not strictly relevant. All I can do? A beautifully constructive and helpful email suggesting an different possible way forward. Will it work? Who knows, but at least I feel I *did* something.

How Bazaar

Its always the little things that make life which make the difference. Saturday was a quiet day as it was so very wet. The boy enjoyed playing on the computer and I enjoyed watching and listening to him. I love the fact he has the patience now to play games, especially simulations, without getting frustrated at the things he does not understand.

Sunday, we went out to a Christmas Bazaar at the donkey sanctuary. I think I could grow to love that place. It has such a friendly atmosphere amongst their volunteer's, a real family feeling. We looked at the stalls, played on the raffles and tombola's, chatted with the guy from the wild-west display from last time and saw his gun collection. He chatted with the boy and I for a good 10mins and the boy was fascinated with all the replica's. Santa Claus arrived on a steam engine and the boy went into see him by himself and came out beaming. We both had a wonderful time, him enjoying the bazaar and me enjoying him. In the evening, after I had dropped him off I went and bought his Christmas present, his PC. He is going to be so excited. I am going to set it up so we can play online games together in the evenings sometimes which I think he will just love. Even if it does mean we end up buying every game twice :D