Innocence lost...

I know people that can just play in reality. Just like that. Go along, just enjoy the sensation, the thrill, the experience.

I don't understand it really though. It sounds alien to me. I am not judging, oh no believe me, if anything I am jealous that they can do that, that they have that freedom of expression. It's not me though. I go cold even at the thought. Freeze. Lock away.

I guess its why I don't really understand how someone could pay to be with someone else. How you could enjoy such a situation without a relationship behind it? Again, its just that I don't understand, if it works for them then cool. It probably makes life easier :). But its a foreign world to me.

Why do I bring it up? Because it suddenly occured to me how much my world has changed, made me wonder where the end of it might be.

I've thought things I could never have considered 10 years ago. Hell 5 years ago.
I've done things I would have laughed in your face if you'd suggested it.
I desire things I could never have even imagined before.

How much will I change?

Once, I couldn't even just plain old cyber with someone unless I knew them well, had that feeling of security of some form of friendship behind it for those awkward times when you misunderstand, talk over each other, say things which conflict or just end up totally losing the plot and giving up... that feeling of well we can just laugh it off as we know each other. Back then I couldnt understand the cyberfuck someone before you even say hi mentality. It wasn't me I said. I need that relationship... Now? Well generally I prefer silly teasing with friends, flirting, chatting and trying to put the world to rights... Stuff that makes my mind work, lets me explore those I care for. But... I could. Just because I wanted to, with someone I hadn't spoken to before... just because I wanted to see how it would feel, just consenting fun, not meaning anything, playing with words for the challenge, for the rush, for the exploration. No hangups, no worries...

So thats changed. So what else can change? In these, more intense arena's? This world we call D/s?

One of my hangups has been that I can understand someone being attracted to innocence, to that desire to corrupt, to teach, to lead... the fact its something new, somewhere no ones been before. The delight in watching the eyes be opened and say "oh god" for the first time. The blush at a simple comment. But that doesn't last... its a quick fix, you'd quickly move onto the next one. Will I still be wanted now that moment of revelation is gone? Is it a one shot thing... thats my moment, now move out the way to let the younger new ones to have their moment in the sun? Is that it?

If I call myself innocent most people would laugh... inexperienced yes, innocent, well I think that moment is quite passed. It takes a little more to make me blush nowadays. I am quite happy to admit to being a mental slut. It's a fair description... my mind is quite happy to go many places.

That brings me back to relationship. That maybe through that you can see the depth in me. Thats all a nice quick rush... and they will always be out there, but maybe, just maybe I can offer more than that... more than I thought as I would have been too caught up on seeing the obvious. Its the care, adoration, genuine affection, love, gentle permament honest desire to please those I love that has nothing to do with experience. That can still be shocked out of its senses and blush when it get's all caught up in just wanting the best for someone and totally misses whats going on in other contexts. The friend, the confidente, the plaything, the chameleon.

Things I've always said, and yet still that nagging fear... loss of innocence leading to boredom there somewhere at the back. Now though maybe its finally sinking in. Not to boredrom, but to depth. Confidence. Security.

A fear I have of taking things beyond this medium is to find myself in a situation, to just freeze as I do sometimes... to go cold. To put it to the test and find its just not there. To find that the fantasy bursts... that it was just a game in my head and that I've hurt someone and disappointed them, as so many people have disappointed before. I think knowing I'd hurt someone would be worse than losing the fantasy... Then I kick myself and think of how it feels to just give to someone. Not in any kinky way, just someone I have learnt to care for that willingly accepts it on whatever level we are. Give, receive, surrender. The circle closes. We are both complete. Does it get simpler? Everything builds from that. From what I really had to offer but never knew.

Maybe one day I will change, just be able to play for the delight of it... to detach from the relationship like that. Who knows? Who cares? I think even if I did that desire to serve would still be there. I might become jaded in sensation, but I don't think I could ever become jaded with that.