I was watching a documentary last night about the largest airports in the UK. It was about BAA, the company that runs them, and how it operates, how it "seems" to force early checkins in order to push people into the trapped retail space behind security in order to maximise its profits (they get a huge chunk of any money you spend). The thing that amazed me most was - in 2005 BAA was bought by a private Spanish group. Yes. The company that runs the biggest UK airports including Heathrow, Gatwick and Glasgow, is Spanish. More amazingly the Spanish company paid 12 billion for BAA... but only 450 million of that was it's own money. The rest were loans. Those loans have now been rolled into BAA... so BAA is effectively in massive debt to pay for its own purchase... They even said in the medium turn it might go into administration. I don't know the why's and what's of business, or this consolidation of debts that lets you borrow money to buy something which that something then has to pay for... But it amazes me yet again how another major piece of UK infrastructure is not British. Most of the water/power utility companies are foreign owned. Even essential road infrastructure like the bridges between England and Wales are owned overseas... There is free enterprise and capitalism, and then there is selling off your country piecemeal...
I do worry about this country.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
STOP PRESS!!
STOP PRESS!
Work does have a purpose. I discovered it after going back to work yesterday. For some various reasons I was feeling fairly down on myself on Sunday night and Monday morning and in a generally pissy attitude against the whole world. A mixture of tiredness from the trip, being hungry at odd hours and an irritation I had had with my family whilst I was away that still lingered.
So I went to work in a basically shitty mood, not much alleviated by the fact my train was cancelled (a contrast to the buses we got whilst in San Francisco which were cheap and ontime). I was kind of expecting to find work annoying as I was in a bad mood but I had the control subject in my team leader who also came back from holiday that day. If he ended up in a bad mood from work, then it wasn't just me ;-). Voila! Within half hour I was very pissed off at my manager and I started to feel so much happier! See, work has a purpose! It stops you being pissed off at the whole world and gets you to be pissed off at specific things! What would we do without it????
Work does have a purpose. I discovered it after going back to work yesterday. For some various reasons I was feeling fairly down on myself on Sunday night and Monday morning and in a generally pissy attitude against the whole world. A mixture of tiredness from the trip, being hungry at odd hours and an irritation I had had with my family whilst I was away that still lingered.
So I went to work in a basically shitty mood, not much alleviated by the fact my train was cancelled (a contrast to the buses we got whilst in San Francisco which were cheap and ontime). I was kind of expecting to find work annoying as I was in a bad mood but I had the control subject in my team leader who also came back from holiday that day. If he ended up in a bad mood from work, then it wasn't just me ;-). Voila! Within half hour I was very pissed off at my manager and I started to feel so much happier! See, work has a purpose! It stops you being pissed off at the whole world and gets you to be pissed off at specific things! What would we do without it????
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Back again
After sleeping 14hrs and feeling quite zonked this morning... I woke up and my first thought this morning was "bugger, I need to get my own breakfast...." and having a craving for tea, cereal and a cinnamon pasty.... *sigh* being on holiday does spoil you!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Kids today!
Hello from San Francisco.
The boy and I arrived yesterday so of course he was awake at 2am local time and talking and watching things on the laptop with me. He is so excited as his nan and grandad and cousin arrived from Phoenix this afternoon. We chatted in the night. He watched short circuit and spent an hour jumping me in pretending to be robots.
We also talked about kissing and he informed me two girls at school had pinned him to walls and stuck their tongues down his throat or tried to, but it was really yukky and his gf scared one of them away. He also informed me very seriously he would never want to do that. I don't know what to think. Am I amazed he is such a tart already. Horrified as he is only 9...or amazed as these two girls were younger....
Kids today!
The boy and I arrived yesterday so of course he was awake at 2am local time and talking and watching things on the laptop with me. He is so excited as his nan and grandad and cousin arrived from Phoenix this afternoon. We chatted in the night. He watched short circuit and spent an hour jumping me in pretending to be robots.
We also talked about kissing and he informed me two girls at school had pinned him to walls and stuck their tongues down his throat or tried to, but it was really yukky and his gf scared one of them away. He also informed me very seriously he would never want to do that. I don't know what to think. Am I amazed he is such a tart already. Horrified as he is only 9...or amazed as these two girls were younger....
Kids today!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Putting it into practice
Ok, i've been trying to keep these new ideas in my head through today. Every time I've had a "eh" or "blah" or "angry" feeling today I've metaphorically stopped and asked myself what thought came into my head just before that. It was odd, some of them were so fleeting I wouldn't have registered normally I had even thought them, but they were there. Little frustrations. Issues at work. Unresolved things. Things from the morning. Lots of things, just half glanced thoughts. They were always there though, some little thought leading to the bad feeling. I guess normally I would not even register them and would then lead that bad feeling to other thoughts, other frustrations which then swamped whatever it was that made me have an "eh" moment in the first place. Instead today I made a conscious effort to say "ok that feeling came with that thought and it ends with that thought" and then go back to "neutral" rather than let it carry on.
Strangely, it worked. It was a better day. It was a lot less hassled in many ways so that helped, but many things still remain as annoying. I still have the same problems with my laptop at work locking up constantly which makes it hard to work, but I did manage to put aside the bad thoughts as they came and then get on with what needed doing.
I wouldn't say this has lead to a "happier" day. Just a more serene one, which is good. This isn't easy, it feels like a lot of discipline, but I'm going to keep trying at it.
Strangely, it worked. It was a better day. It was a lot less hassled in many ways so that helped, but many things still remain as annoying. I still have the same problems with my laptop at work locking up constantly which makes it hard to work, but I did manage to put aside the bad thoughts as they came and then get on with what needed doing.
I wouldn't say this has lead to a "happier" day. Just a more serene one, which is good. This isn't easy, it feels like a lot of discipline, but I'm going to keep trying at it.
Thoughts from the train
I was reading my book again this morning. It makes good bite size chunks on the train (any more than that and I would probably stop paying attention).
Today's point was that it's thinking that evokes feelings, not the other way round, no matter how much it feels like it. We think about things in a negative or positive way and that causes negative or positive feelings. Yes, it can feed a vicious cycle where feeling bad makes you more prone to bad thoughts, which leads to.... but it all starts with a thought. It's an angry thought that leads to angry feelings. It's remembering and thinking of bad things that have been done to you that provokes feelings of insecurity. Our feelings are a mirror of our thoughts. They are our thoughts though, not things imposed upon us. We may have got into ruts or trained to respond in certain ways but they are our thoughts and we can accept or dismiss them as we want.
He also made the point that thoughts aren't real. I struggled with this one. If my thoughts aren't real then what am I? I think though what it meant was that when we replay events in our head it's not the event we are really reacting to. It's our intepretation of them, how we are letting ourselves think about them. We could shrug it off or we could super-analyse, replay them again and again finding fault with ourselves. It's not a current real life event we are reacting to, its like reacting to a dream. A two minute argument with a loved one that is long gone becomes a constant monalogue in our head replaying it over and over and over again finding things we could have done differently or reasons why we can't fix it. It stops being the argument that makes us feel down, it's how we keep replaying it and dwelling on it.
It's a very simple concept and one that again keeps striking chords. It will be interesting to see how it comes to putting things into practice though!
I did some thinking about this (see, heh, I just had to...) in relation to being submissive. I am a very analytical person, and I've always wondered (in my having to find an answer to everything kind of way) if part of my appeal to submission is to stop thinking.... to give over, stop, just for a moment. That felt kind of selfish to me (me me me) and using someone else as a prop. I also suck at it! Heh, it's very rare for me to stop thinking... Now a new thought occurs to me. Not thinking, just responding, living in the moment is a good place to be as it's being completely with the person you are with and not the dozens of things you've been doing or the dozen you have to do. So, someone helping you achieve that place is a "good thing", and a great gift. It's not completely necessary though. Another effect of submission is a narrowing of focus not a complete stilling of thoughts. All those thoughts, feelings, all dwelling on the person you are serving and having to think of them and not yourself. Thinking outside your head. It is a very very very beautiful place.
Today's point was that it's thinking that evokes feelings, not the other way round, no matter how much it feels like it. We think about things in a negative or positive way and that causes negative or positive feelings. Yes, it can feed a vicious cycle where feeling bad makes you more prone to bad thoughts, which leads to.... but it all starts with a thought. It's an angry thought that leads to angry feelings. It's remembering and thinking of bad things that have been done to you that provokes feelings of insecurity. Our feelings are a mirror of our thoughts. They are our thoughts though, not things imposed upon us. We may have got into ruts or trained to respond in certain ways but they are our thoughts and we can accept or dismiss them as we want.
He also made the point that thoughts aren't real. I struggled with this one. If my thoughts aren't real then what am I? I think though what it meant was that when we replay events in our head it's not the event we are really reacting to. It's our intepretation of them, how we are letting ourselves think about them. We could shrug it off or we could super-analyse, replay them again and again finding fault with ourselves. It's not a current real life event we are reacting to, its like reacting to a dream. A two minute argument with a loved one that is long gone becomes a constant monalogue in our head replaying it over and over and over again finding things we could have done differently or reasons why we can't fix it. It stops being the argument that makes us feel down, it's how we keep replaying it and dwelling on it.
It's a very simple concept and one that again keeps striking chords. It will be interesting to see how it comes to putting things into practice though!
I did some thinking about this (see, heh, I just had to...) in relation to being submissive. I am a very analytical person, and I've always wondered (in my having to find an answer to everything kind of way) if part of my appeal to submission is to stop thinking.... to give over, stop, just for a moment. That felt kind of selfish to me (me me me) and using someone else as a prop. I also suck at it! Heh, it's very rare for me to stop thinking... Now a new thought occurs to me. Not thinking, just responding, living in the moment is a good place to be as it's being completely with the person you are with and not the dozens of things you've been doing or the dozen you have to do. So, someone helping you achieve that place is a "good thing", and a great gift. It's not completely necessary though. Another effect of submission is a narrowing of focus not a complete stilling of thoughts. All those thoughts, feelings, all dwelling on the person you are serving and having to think of them and not yourself. Thinking outside your head. It is a very very very beautiful place.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Work. Blah.
Ok calmed down now somewhat. I was fairly "blah" when I came in from work. Definitely of the mind of just curling up and shutting out the world but I made myself come in and do the chores I had to get done tonight. Sort out travel insurance for the trip to San Francisco. Sort out problems with my son's health insurance. Do the dishes. Get the laundry ready. Tidy round a little. Get all the things done that needed doing before I sat down as I knew I wouldn't feel like doing them when I did sit.
Strangely it has made a difference and I feel a lot calmer now and like there has been a separation between the day and how I feel now. I will have to try and remember that. So this blog isn't QUITE so whiney as it might have been. I went into work this morning thinking one of the things that left me down about work was I didn't feel appreciated. I mean its work, and I get paid for it, you aren't there to get cuddly fluffy credit for things. I do think I work hard though and think I do a reasonable job. An odd thankyou from people when I've gone out of my way, not as a company thing, but a personal thing... I mean thats not too much to ask for is it?
No though. For the things I've done today I've had gripes, complaints. I've tried to point out things as to others so they know whats going on and it leads to just shit being thrown back at you. So thats the reward and thanks you get. Try and do something, say something and you get jumped on. So why bother? Half the people at work seem to get praise for creating a crisis (by doing something wrong originally) then having to fix it. Maybe that's where I am going wrong! I shouldn't do things right in the first place!
The worst of it is... I came home tonight wondering if it was me? Am I doing something wrong. Am I coming across badly to provoke people into being like this? Am I really just not very good at this which is why this happens. Is it something in my attitude that pisses people off and makes them be so high and mighty and demanding? I really hate most that these things make me doubt myself and then I doubt myself in other things. I know I get cross because of things that happen but I really hope I am not the cause of it all.
Strangely it has made a difference and I feel a lot calmer now and like there has been a separation between the day and how I feel now. I will have to try and remember that. So this blog isn't QUITE so whiney as it might have been. I went into work this morning thinking one of the things that left me down about work was I didn't feel appreciated. I mean its work, and I get paid for it, you aren't there to get cuddly fluffy credit for things. I do think I work hard though and think I do a reasonable job. An odd thankyou from people when I've gone out of my way, not as a company thing, but a personal thing... I mean thats not too much to ask for is it?
No though. For the things I've done today I've had gripes, complaints. I've tried to point out things as to others so they know whats going on and it leads to just shit being thrown back at you. So thats the reward and thanks you get. Try and do something, say something and you get jumped on. So why bother? Half the people at work seem to get praise for creating a crisis (by doing something wrong originally) then having to fix it. Maybe that's where I am going wrong! I shouldn't do things right in the first place!
The worst of it is... I came home tonight wondering if it was me? Am I doing something wrong. Am I coming across badly to provoke people into being like this? Am I really just not very good at this which is why this happens. Is it something in my attitude that pisses people off and makes them be so high and mighty and demanding? I really hate most that these things make me doubt myself and then I doubt myself in other things. I know I get cross because of things that happen but I really hope I am not the cause of it all.
Work. Grumbles.
This is the sort of thing that leaves me to coming out of work with a headache and feeling frustrated every day and wondering what I've achieved. I've tried to avoid blogging about work as I don't want to seem like I am whining all the time, but I want to write about it for once.
We've been working on a project to investigate various things. We produced a report. We had it reviewed by our "colleagues" in the design team. They had a few comments. We addressed them. We sent out the report to the customer.
Today we had an email from our design time, addressed to the customer stating that the report was hard to draw conclusions from due to its lack of an overall summary, etc, etc. I have to admit I was furious. We gave them ample opportunity to be involved in the investigations (they weren't). We received back review comments (nothing about that, more about technical and political points). They approved it.
THEN after it was approved and issued they make negative comments about it directly to our (and their) customer.
This is beyond unprofessional and is fairly bloody typical of this place.
I really do try to come into work with a positive attitude in the morning. I really do.
We've been working on a project to investigate various things. We produced a report. We had it reviewed by our "colleagues" in the design team. They had a few comments. We addressed them. We sent out the report to the customer.
Today we had an email from our design time, addressed to the customer stating that the report was hard to draw conclusions from due to its lack of an overall summary, etc, etc. I have to admit I was furious. We gave them ample opportunity to be involved in the investigations (they weren't). We received back review comments (nothing about that, more about technical and political points). They approved it.
THEN after it was approved and issued they make negative comments about it directly to our (and their) customer.
This is beyond unprofessional and is fairly bloody typical of this place.
I really do try to come into work with a positive attitude in the morning. I really do.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Happiness
I started reading a book this morning and it had the statement in it "don't try and do things to make yourself happy, instead decide to be happy". It's a bit simplistic, of course (as many of these generalisations are) but it made me think. What it was getting at is not a new idea, but I guess today it struck me in a new way. It struck a chord for sure. The idea that as people we often put goals in our lives and say once "XXX" happens then I will be happy.
When I find a partner. When I am married. When I have children. When the children grow up enough to be self-sufficient. When I am single again. When I have enough money to stop struggling. When I have that bigger house. When I have a better job. When I retire.
All putting off happiness as something that can be achieved by a change in our circumstances rather than by a change of our thinking. When that happens though, its put off for another goal... Always in the future.
I know I have been guilty of this, especially when I was married... Once I was away from the marriage I would be happy as I would no longer have these bad arguments and fights, all the things which made me unhappy. Things would then be alright. Of course life doesn't work that way and afterwards I still kept putting more "when...." ahead of me. It's quite a miracle (and with definite credit to my friends who have stuck by me) that I've managed to get as far as I have with the attitude I've had. Damn that victorian work ethic that was drummed into me as a child! Heh, it carries over into everything making me think everything is achievable if you try hard enough.
But no... As a dear friend likes to put it, the pleasure is in the little things. If you keep working so hard at things you just end up exhausted, frustrated and looking for something new to "make" you happy. Stopping, looking around, listening to whats really in front of your nose. Well then maybe you can start enjoying whats there.
I remember from church the statement that Jesus said the way to heaven wasn't through works, it was by grace, by Him. You couldn't earn your way there. Maybe heaven and happiness aren't too far seperated. You can't earn them, you just have to stop and accept what's already there.
When I find a partner. When I am married. When I have children. When the children grow up enough to be self-sufficient. When I am single again. When I have enough money to stop struggling. When I have that bigger house. When I have a better job. When I retire.
All putting off happiness as something that can be achieved by a change in our circumstances rather than by a change of our thinking. When that happens though, its put off for another goal... Always in the future.
I know I have been guilty of this, especially when I was married... Once I was away from the marriage I would be happy as I would no longer have these bad arguments and fights, all the things which made me unhappy. Things would then be alright. Of course life doesn't work that way and afterwards I still kept putting more "when...." ahead of me. It's quite a miracle (and with definite credit to my friends who have stuck by me) that I've managed to get as far as I have with the attitude I've had. Damn that victorian work ethic that was drummed into me as a child! Heh, it carries over into everything making me think everything is achievable if you try hard enough.
But no... As a dear friend likes to put it, the pleasure is in the little things. If you keep working so hard at things you just end up exhausted, frustrated and looking for something new to "make" you happy. Stopping, looking around, listening to whats really in front of your nose. Well then maybe you can start enjoying whats there.
I remember from church the statement that Jesus said the way to heaven wasn't through works, it was by grace, by Him. You couldn't earn your way there. Maybe heaven and happiness aren't too far seperated. You can't earn them, you just have to stop and accept what's already there.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Children
Sometimes being a parent is exhausting, sometimes its exhilarating, sometimes its terrifying and you feel helpless. Sometimes you just feel proud and as like you've really done well.
I picked up my boy from drama yesterday and he was in the gabbling a 1000 words a minute mood, spitting out words about school yesterday as something was on his mind. We pulled over at the nearest McDonalds and shared a happy meal between us (frugal! heh) so he could sit and talk and I could listen properly. He talked about school, it was a bit mixed up and garbled but he obviously needed to talk it out. Once he had finished and looked a bit huffy but spent we talked about other things, our coming up trip to San Francisco and I told him his cousin was coming with us. He was so excited about that his face just lit up!
When we got back to the car my cell rang and it was a friend in tears. He sat happily playing next to me while I talked to her. He didn't fuss at all, I was so proud of him. He just made little comments like who is it, is she alright. He also sounded very surprised and said "Daddy how come you are so practical" at what I was saying to her on the phone. Heh. I thanked him after for giving me the time to talk to her and he said that was ok. Such a lovely little boy!!
Today we had to do homework, and that ended in tears of frustration (his, not mine!). Fractions and he just wanted to guess answers. So tears, stomping, anger, and I told him to go to his room for 5 mins to calm down. He did, he came out, he still didn't want to listen but I sat down with him and showed him how to work through a couple of them and this time he actually started listening and not just getting frustrated as he "couldn't do it". After a few he started giggling and laughing. I didn't QUITE get an "oh this is easy" but I could tell he was thinking it. In the end he finished them all happily and all the tears and anger were gone.
It made me proud of myself in a way, that I had been patient with him and persisted, and I had seen the reward of his giggling and being comfortable with it. It also made me very proud of my little boy that despite the tantrums occasionally, he is such a special little boy.
I picked up my boy from drama yesterday and he was in the gabbling a 1000 words a minute mood, spitting out words about school yesterday as something was on his mind. We pulled over at the nearest McDonalds and shared a happy meal between us (frugal! heh) so he could sit and talk and I could listen properly. He talked about school, it was a bit mixed up and garbled but he obviously needed to talk it out. Once he had finished and looked a bit huffy but spent we talked about other things, our coming up trip to San Francisco and I told him his cousin was coming with us. He was so excited about that his face just lit up!
When we got back to the car my cell rang and it was a friend in tears. He sat happily playing next to me while I talked to her. He didn't fuss at all, I was so proud of him. He just made little comments like who is it, is she alright. He also sounded very surprised and said "Daddy how come you are so practical" at what I was saying to her on the phone. Heh. I thanked him after for giving me the time to talk to her and he said that was ok. Such a lovely little boy!!
Today we had to do homework, and that ended in tears of frustration (his, not mine!). Fractions and he just wanted to guess answers. So tears, stomping, anger, and I told him to go to his room for 5 mins to calm down. He did, he came out, he still didn't want to listen but I sat down with him and showed him how to work through a couple of them and this time he actually started listening and not just getting frustrated as he "couldn't do it". After a few he started giggling and laughing. I didn't QUITE get an "oh this is easy" but I could tell he was thinking it. In the end he finished them all happily and all the tears and anger were gone.
It made me proud of myself in a way, that I had been patient with him and persisted, and I had seen the reward of his giggling and being comfortable with it. It also made me very proud of my little boy that despite the tantrums occasionally, he is such a special little boy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Public Geekery
Last night I went to an OpenSource user group up in London (don't worry if you don't know what that means, assume its technicaly geekery of an extreme manner and you are not far off). Yes, a bunch of geeks meeting to voluntarily listen to more geekery after work in their own time just because its itneresting. It's the first time I've been and I came VERY close to finding excuses to not go or chicken out at the last moment, but I went in anyway. I find groups really hard, especially groups of strangers but knowing we were all there because we were interested made it a bit easier.... especially as it wasn't just a chatting thing but to listen to someone give a presentation on something I found pretty interesting. Wine and beer was supplied before, with a very nice hot meal after. The presentation was great and by the general cohesiveness of geeks other people on their own kind of gravitated together and said hi and then started talking about things often half-incomprehensible to me (since I am a SysAdmin, not a developer). In that situation though, being quiet and listening wasn't QUITE as uncomfortable as it is elsewhere as it was actually interesting... and when things moved to more my area then I could express opinions. So it wasn't easy but I had fun and it was definitely worth the late night after all the travel and I am glad I did it.
It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.
Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny
I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!
It felt easier than going to the BDSM markets.... I've been trying to think why. Maybe its because of the presentation, so we had something to discuss "so what did you think of.... do you use....". Maybe its because as geeks we are all interested in the same thing (albeit some as programmers some as admins) whereas BDSM events cater for a wide range of tastes and interests so even then their may not be commonality (if you are a pup and not a physical player... then discussions of which cane to use may not really be you, whereas discussions about feelings or reactions are). Maybe its because in a BDSM event I am still somewhat insecure and wondering how I am coming across, what people think of me, am I just coming across as a wannabee... or do I even know what I want? Whereas in technical things I am a lot more confident (though I still consciously often think I don't know anything, I just seem to get on with it when I have to). Maybe its because technology is a great leveller so you are just you... and there is not the thought of am I stepping on someones toes/relationship/protocols if I talk that way with XXX. I know in one place I've been, whenever I'm cheeky or smartassed or so to a friend there are comments that I should say sorry or she shouldn't allow it, etc, because she comes across as assertive so assumptions are made... and that makes it harder to just be myself.
Maybe it's just because all that network talk makes me horny
I don't know, but it was quite good fun and I am really glad I was brave enough to go! I just resorted to that age-old geek male posturing of "my server is bigger than your server"... though as a friend pointed out, in the end its not how big your server is that counts, its what you do with it!
Trains
There are three basic things I expect travelling by train in the UK:
1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.
I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.
Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.
BUT
Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...
1) There will be no rubbish bins at the train station as they were all removed years ago because of bomb scares.
2) You will have to pay to visit the train station toilets (and you won't have a 20p with you when you really need it).
3) I will not get a seat on the train as it will be too full.
I am glad to say that at least ONE basic tenet still holds.
Monday I saw clear plastic bin liners mounted at the station for rubbish.
This morning I got a seat on my morning train as it was scarily almost empty.
BUT
Last night at Paddington coming back from London I still had to scrounge round to scrape together a 20p piece...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Following on from my pride post, one of my awardees (hmmm do I have to give them a prize?) helpfully posted something which totally shows why I said this about them.Go read It has been almost a year since............................ Showing just how far one woman can come in a year. For anyone that pooh pooh's the value of friends you've met online, or even what sites like ALT can do. This is how much difference your support of one person can make. I hope we all think about that next time we look at something and say "shall I email or not?".Alan
Monday, January 14, 2008
Smelly Feet
I have smelly feet. Well actually I have a smelly foot. A left smelly foot to be totally precise.
It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.
I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???
It's not unpleasently smelly, its a lovely purple colour with perfectly formed toes and a very pleasent woodland berries smell. It's hanging up in my car at the moment, from the rear view mirror. Best place for a car air freshener really.
I mean, if someone with a sliiiiiiiiiight liking for feet (especially attached to people he likes) is going to buy an air freshener, what else is he going to buy???
Pride
At the turn of the new year I read several blogs with a common theme. Reviewing the year and saying thankyou to those that had made a difference in their lives that year. I thought about this, but hopefully I said thanks throughout the year... and if I didn't, you totally have my permission to come over and spank me in person. If you don't have my address come ask me ;-).
So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.
Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.
ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.
Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.
So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.
So instead, I thought I would list three people from this last year that have astounded me with their continuing courage and bravery. Who have taken risks, made difficult decisions and have left me incredibly proud to know them.
Laura... Pookey... for such a brave risk to find something special despite knowing that it's most definitely NOT going to be easy. I am so proud of you for the practical way you've handled something which is a matter of the heart. For the way youve flourished and grown as a woman and this has just shown how strong you can be. I hope this pays off, but I know whatever happens you can be proud of yourself for how you've thrown yourself completely into trying to make this work. I am proud of you for how you've grown and just quite how independent and forceful you've started to realise you are.
ScarletteRose... my friend. You've seen all this from the outside in myself and other friends. You have been a staunch support and source of practical words and kicks up the ass. Now, its me that is so incredibly proud of you and how you have started to make your own life The good times, the bad times, the easy and hard days. I am so proud now that you are looking after yourself for you, finding who you are, finding what you want, finding ways to be the woman you always knew you could be and the Mother you always were. I am so proud of you my friend for not taking the easy path. I am so proud of you for when it came to it for saying "no, no more". I am so proud of you that you have handled the times when it would have been so easy to give in and go back. I am so proud of the determination you've shown and you are an inspiration to me.
Kay... What can I say. In the six months I've known you, you have changed so much I don't know where to begin. When I met you you were a terrified little thing, scared to take risks, scared to believe in yourself, scared to try and take charge of your life. In those six months you've become a different person a dozen times over. You've risked coming to visit me for the sake of wanting to support a friend. You've risked trusting, you've risked so many new things, new experiences, emotions. More than that though, you have taken control of so many things in your life. I know you can't see it, and keep seeing the things you can't do... but for once recognise how much you've done. Taken decisions over your family, stopped just saying "yes" and started to say "no", when you thought it counted. You've started laying down terms to your ex on YOUR terms. You've looked at yourself honestly and seen things you didn't like and need help on... and done that most scary thing and made yourself vulnerable and looked for help. More than that... you persevered and found it. I am so very very very proud of how far you have come in such a short time and have no doubt it will keep on going.
So my three friends, I am proud of everything you have and are doing. I am proud and humble to be called your friend.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Christmas and Stuff
A new year, and one I am glad of. With the pressure of Christmas off things seem to be much less stressful. Is it bad to think that? That Christmas being over is a relief? In the end I relaxed over it, and stopped being so hung up on the whole family thing, but it still felt like work... and work for other peoples sake. Rushing around, doing the Christmas thing. Turning up at the right places at the right times. Making sure cards and presents were sent off... I am glad I regained my sense of humour over it though. Several of the presents I sent to the USA were a little ummmm worse for wear when they arrived. Well, one arrived as just the wrapping paper.... But it made me laugh and they laughed with me. I guess it really is the thought that counts!
My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.
After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.
My boy had a wonderful time and the mornings with him were pretty special, as was taking him down to my parents. I am so proud of him and how he is growing up. He is a special little lad indeed. Then it was back to work... and then time for me to suddenly being doing things because I wanted to and not because it was fitting in with others plans. The boy was away with his mum, so I went down to visit Kay (kblsb) for new years, going down after work on Monday. We went with her daughters to the big winter wonderland in Cardiff and wandered around with them. It was a lovely evening... we were there about 3hrs and despite some tensions (heh, other peoples families can be as tense as your own is) we had fun. Midnight... We did something I had never done before and never expected I ever would. We've never made much of a fuss about new years... but this time... with Kay and her family, we went out into the street. Sang Auld Lang Syne standing in a circle in the street with all her neighbours. Then one of her neighbours dragged us into her house for a drink, the kids put on a little panto for us and we ended up staying til gone 2am... I had so much fun. I've never done anything like that, being around complete strangers, dragged into their home, being treated in such a friendly, welcoming manner. They didn't think twice about me being their with them with Kay. It was an awful lot of fun. I love the welsh open hospitality attitude. It has to be the best New Years I've ever had. The first I've ever celebrated and understood what the fuss was about.
After that, Kay and her youngest came back to my house for a few days, to give them a break from the day to day stuff at home and a change of scenery after their Christmas and a chance to relax without THEM having to do the whole housework thing. It was nice. I was at work, but they seemed to have a good time and we could watch a movie or two in the evenings, and it was nice to come home to some company for a few days. It's weird... I guess being alone helps us appreciate company when we have it, but I also then appreciated the quietness after they had gone. It wasnt I was glad they were gone, no, I just appreciated the difference and the different things it let me do - to just curl up quietly and not talk to anyone and just unwind from the day. I guess too much of either company or being alone isn't nice... but a balance of the two is just perfect to make you appreciate what you have.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Goals
I made a comment to a very dear friend today that I was feeling somewhat aimless and wondering where life was going. Like it wasn't really going anywhere. She, in her usual practical way said "well set some goals then". I can't really argue with her, heh, her bluntness is rather unarguable especially as she is always right. She showed me a goal list a friend of hers had written, of things to achieve in the next year. So we agreed, between us, that we would both make a list of things we wanted to do by next March.
It has to be fun things, things we want to do but havent done or have held back from. Fun things, not "i'll get fit" but things which we want to have done, experienced, learnt, seen... things that maybe changes in our lives will help us achieve... so the ends not the means.
I find this terrifying as its instantly made me feel fearful, so hence this blog, to examine why. Its a good thing, to address these.
I am scared of what I want sounding stupid, of it showing up how stupid I am, or how little I have done in life that people take for granted, how my upbringing was stunted and cossetted and sheltered. Showing how little I know and can do.
I am scared of change, but mainly because I am scared of failure. Of not being able to do things.
So that's there. A big fear of failure so fearing wanting goals. ime to start dreaming a little Alan...
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Review
This afternoon was my 6month review for being on Citalopram. I put it off to the last moment (i.e. needing a repeat prescription and being nearly out of pills) as I wanted to try and work out what to say. No, before you say I wasn't just procrastinating. I really was trying to work out what I wanted to say.
I'm glad I did as it was the normal routine. I went in, she asked how I was, I said how things had been. She wanted to know how I wanted to carry on. I said I thought counselling would be a good next step... she said probably yes, asked what sort of things I might want to try and deal with. I said relationships. Groups. How I react to things because of my self-esteem/insecurity. She said fair enough, so I asked what was available. They have a counsellor attached to the surgery but her waiting list is closed as she has too many patients and too many on the list. The counsellor does accept patients privately though so she suggested that as an option, so I have her card. I asked for advice on the different types of therapy and she explained a couple of the types, so I have a better idea.
The other thing I asked about was a light box and she said it couldn't hurt if I felt cooped up all the time and I had suffered a lot last winter... so she said to look on the internet at prices.
Before I left, she asked about the medication, if I wanted to carry on or consider changing it. I said yes carry on, and she said fine, she would probably have suggested spring anyway before coming off if I was worried about the winter. So that's it... Another 6 months of repeat prescriptions.
I'm glad I did as it was the normal routine. I went in, she asked how I was, I said how things had been. She wanted to know how I wanted to carry on. I said I thought counselling would be a good next step... she said probably yes, asked what sort of things I might want to try and deal with. I said relationships. Groups. How I react to things because of my self-esteem/insecurity. She said fair enough, so I asked what was available. They have a counsellor attached to the surgery but her waiting list is closed as she has too many patients and too many on the list. The counsellor does accept patients privately though so she suggested that as an option, so I have her card. I asked for advice on the different types of therapy and she explained a couple of the types, so I have a better idea.
The other thing I asked about was a light box and she said it couldn't hurt if I felt cooped up all the time and I had suffered a lot last winter... so she said to look on the internet at prices.
Before I left, she asked about the medication, if I wanted to carry on or consider changing it. I said yes carry on, and she said fine, she would probably have suggested spring anyway before coming off if I was worried about the winter. So that's it... Another 6 months of repeat prescriptions.
Never
Never let anyone define you by telling you "what you are" even if couched in terms of being in your best interest. Don't let them limit your possibilities.
Never let anyone tell you how to think. Don't let them limit your mind.
Never let anyone tell you how you should feel. Don't let them limit your emotions.
Never let anyone tell you how to live your life. It's yours to make mistakes, have successes, to laugh, cry, to experience, to live.
Never let anyone tell you how to think. Don't let them limit your mind.
Never let anyone tell you how you should feel. Don't let them limit your emotions.
Never let anyone tell you how to live your life. It's yours to make mistakes, have successes, to laugh, cry, to experience, to live.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Thunder (day two)
Thunder day two. Yes, I know its been months, but I am slow. This will be briefer as I am getting tired, heh, and have 30mins remaining on the battery here... It was also awhile ago, and I don't want to bore everyone. I'd never been to one of these things before and didn't know what to expect. One of my friends was going through a rough time and that made things a little complicated in the group (and I am SO proud of you for getting yourself together again petal, you are a good girl and a good friend and next time we get together things will be so much better). I was lucky enough to wear my dragon collar with Ms Jolie's tag on for the weekend. Two of the lectures stick out to me. The first two I went to. The first was service with a smile, for all us service subs out there that get up in the morning and have a "well f*ck you" moment when we are grumpy and don't really want to do whats been asked of us. It was packed. It was funny. It was witty. It was true. It was heart felt. It was practical. It didn't hide from those tired upset ill moments. It didn't pretend just get on with it. I looked around all all these wonderful kinky people and felt a kindredness to them. Boys, Girls, TV, TG. Straight, gay, bi. Subs, pets, slaves. All nodding away together at the things she said. It was wonderful hearing so many subconscious thoughts vocalised by her, and so many little coping techniques. I was bouncing around afterwards as it felt so ME. She also said some wonderful things that stick with me. The most important was that as someone providing service you are not weak, you are not giving up responsibility as you cannot cope with life. You are not just waiting for orders to be lazy and avoid it... In fact you are taking on extra responsibility. For yourself and your Master/Mistress. You have to look after yourself and after them. Keep yourself well and safe and ready to serve so you are in a place where you can anticipate and meet their needs. I loved that. The second class I went to was "unarmed BDSM". This was basically a quick A to Z of things you could do without any toys or props. It was brilliant. Very fast, very funny, the presenter had such energy. He was also very British and it was a giggle to hear his accent in the middle of Denver. He also loved having all these things being done to him and barked excitedly at any opportunity. I also learnt a lot about the legal situation here in the UK as he was a member of the spanner trust and people were asking him. Its amazing what you can learn when you don't expect. Oh and it was also sheer total heaven as MsSilvie scritched my neck the entire time. What can I say, I am a tart. I don't deny it. I went to a talk abou Master/Slave relationships and it was definitely a different type of thing than applies to me... but it was very interesting to listen and watch people. See the kinds of questions they asked, what it revealed about their lifestyles and backgrounds. It was kind of an honour to be exposed to so many different types of community. D/s, S&M, Leather, Lesbian, Het, all in one place and see how their dynamics were different. The variety in one place, was comforting. Even a little pup can fit somewhere. I will gloss over the rest of the seminars as I (in my humble little opinion) was not enthralled by some of the indications of cult of personality or hero worship in certain areas... I don't need a lifestyle coach, I am quite capable of screwing up my own life well enough without one of those ;-). I am glad I went to the ones I did do, and I am glad (at that time) I went to the more basic or "why we do what we do" ones. I don't think I would be so inclined to go to them again though. I know I have a lot to learn about my quirks, desires, motives, how to serve, how to be better me... but for me now I think I am learning more by seeing how others live their lives and get through their battles. Learning by living life, not hearing someone else telling me. That may change in the future when I get over this growing spurt and need to consolidate my thoughts again, who knows? :). Now I feel more in a practical phase of trying to put into reality the things I have learnt, try things, get knocked down, get up and try again. Live and enjoy life a bit. Learn practical skills and test abilities and desires. The evening dungeon it was just going to be Ms Jolie and I walking around as Ms Silvie was fairly tired and worn out after a long day, no air and a lovely meal. I dressed in the lovely outfit Ms Jolie had helped me choose. My heeled ankle bootlets. My fishnets. My red and black tartan skirt. My black fitted top. My black collar with red dragons. I felt so proud to be led out like that. No leash as she didn't want to break my neck if I fell... so I could stay like this wherever I went in the hotel, without having to hide. Just be like this as we walked around the public and private areas. We went to the car park dungeon and walked around, watching people... then back to the main dungeon... the same... before finally the car park dungeon again. Such different energy between the two. I loved the industrial simplicity of the car park. I also loved the grip on my high heels :P. The car park... things really happened. More intense whippings... more passion... more energy. Screams... Quieter music so it didn't drown everything out. Vacuum sacs... Trample walks... Fire play... a beautiful beautiful piercing scene through the upper arms and then patterned with ribbons. I watched that for quite a while, surprised I wasn't squicked by it. I thought I would be. The girl having it down was simply beautiful. She was naturally beautiful, but the pleasure in her eyes... it was entrancing. The way she breathed as the needles went in. The soothing way he spoke to her. It was an amazing thing to watch and I felt quite humbled to be able to see it. It was quite moving and quite soothing. Ms Jolie looked after me and made sure I sat down a lot and checked I wasn't hurting my legs as it was the first time I had walked in heels for any length of time (heh like ever) and the first time I had been seen in a skirt by anyone. She kept dropping me comments about people looking at me but I never saw it, I was just really proud to be led around by her with her tag on my collar.
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