Relaxing

I've been thinking more of the relaxation thing and how it relates to so many things in my life. I never really do unwind. I just... am less uptight. Around others I forget about myself enough to do not be uptight, but never unwind in my own company.



So, while in town doing some chores, I stopped in at the cheap bookshop and picked up a little book on meditation. Its a one technique a week thing, so I have a target, something to make myself do each week (yes, I am very goal driven, I need to do that in order to be disciplined, otherwise I get so lazy and distracted or put things off). I've got a lot better about doing things for me, but not really much better about spending time just for me. Thats one thing, and the other is my book on time management so I organise myself and my life better at work and at home.



So that starts tomorrow with the new week. Without fail.

Oh my...

... this cooking lark is habit forming.

I made dinner tonight, just a pork cutlet and veggies... looked at it and thought, that needs a cheese sauce. So I made one!

YUM! Hell I even enjoyed the brocolli!

Amsterdam

Woohooo now not only flights are booked for the weekend in Amsterdam, the hotel is too! I so cannot wait to get to spend the weekend with my Landlady out there and just enjoy her company and see what mischief we can get upto.



I miss her still... and it will be just great to have time by ourselves even if we are rushing around and have things we need to get done out there.



Sadly, I can't meet up with another friend coming over to the UK next week. Circumstances won't allow it and while i am totally disappointed, I am not surprised and I really do understand so hopefully we can have a nice chat on the phone. But my dear girl, but but but you don't get off that easily. I will meet you sometime, thats a promise!

Thunder

So. An old idea has found its time.



Last year a good friend invited me to come with her to Thunder in the Mountains in July in Denver this year, after she went last year. Well, it was more of a challenge as back then I was so hiding from everything I wouldn't even chase my own tail. Hell that was before I had a tail... I know I ran from everything then, and that was before Mistress decided she wasn't going to let me run anymore and would just go after me if I did (thankyou!).



This has come back to me in so many ways since then. People I've come across that also went there. People who planned to go again. Things have changed, I've certainly changed...



So it came up again last night, with another friend. The comment that those I've had the pleasure of talking to online hope to be there and I would be welcome.



This is a big step for me. Both in meeting up with these people and going to such an event. This has... been there for so long and it some how seems to fit for me, you know, like there are somethings that you just can't get away from... more Kismet. I have just about made my mind up, that yes... I am going to go. I know there is someone there I can go with who will put my welfare above her own enjoyment of the event and who would not be bitter or cross if encouraging me or ensuring I was ok took her away from things. That makes me feel very very safe in a way I didn't think I would be. I know I wouldn't be a burden, no matter what happened or how we did or didn't get on. She kinda reminds me of Cuzi in that way. Some people have so much to give you can just feel they want to do it.



I'd like to know then... from people.



What's a big kink event like? What are your experiences? Those who have been to Thunder what did you think of it? Those who are going, say hi :). When you first went to a big event how did you feel? Is it too big a step for someone like me thats just a pup thats so new and stepping out into this big wide world? Is it just the right sort of big step, throw yourself in with someone you know will hold your hand and then find, well it wasn't actually a big step at all?



I really would appreciate any comments.



Thankyou!

Wicked

I finished reading Wicked this week.



Wow. What a book. I think I finished reading it at just the wrong time, lol, or maybe just the right time as I so identified with the twisted, worked up, trapped feeling of the lead character... How driven you can be into doing just the wrong things for the right reasons or even feeling so driven you don't know what the right things are anymore.



Destiny, fate, or not being able to step back and get off the rollercoaster we find ourselves on.



A sobering tale....

Sleep and falls

After the huge high of Tues night, Wed was hard work. I was just so darned tired! I think I had got 2 hrs sleep that night and was ummm more than a little hungover for most of the day. Well ok lots of the day.



I had the doctors that day so left work early (thank heavens!) to go talk to them about my sleeping. Apart from being very impressed with how high-tech the doctors was (with self-checkin and signs telling you where to go and when) I tried to explain how my sleeping had been and be positive about it. Her opening question was "what did I expect from her?". Which I guess was a fair question, but a hard one. If I am desperate enough to go see a doctor then I'll take anything. So I said any advice she had to offer. She listened to what I had to say and then basically said -



as i had no trouble getting to sleep, but just woke up alert all the time I must have things on my mind keeping me alert. So I had to stop doing things which kept my mind active before bed, like reading, using the PC... its very hard to imagine doing things which don't involve my mind. The house gets very quiet in the evening, so reading or writing are part of how I relax. Avoid caffeine too late, which I do already - after midday. Don't drink alcohol, which I rarely do. Don't exercise late as it works yourself up. If I wake up, just try and settle again, and basically just try and relax and wait it out. I know I am happier now than I have been for ages, and I was more uptight when I could sleep...



She did say I could try a lightbox if I wanted to as I'd seemed to suggest it was tied in with the long dark evenings, but she was more of the thought it was just an active mind and I should handle that.



I came away a little, not annoyed but I guess resigned to it. I was pretty tired by then and as its something I will just have to put up with thats just going to carry on and I have to keep pushing myself onwards when tired.



The ex phoned soon afterwards to say they were going down the hospital as the boy had hurt himself at school, fallen while swinging between desks and bitten deeply into his lips. I felt a little torn then, of course I hated the thought of him hurting himself but boys will be boys and I knew she could handle it. So I wanted to be with him, but his mum has to be able to handle things by herself, that was part of her insisting on custody. I was so tired I came home and napped for a few hours, before planning to work at 10pm. She phoned again about 8pm to say they thought he would need surgery the next day on his lip, and that he had knocked himself out so they were keeping him overnight. OK so this panicked me and made me feel guilty that I'd been so tired I couldnt go over. In hindsight that was silly, I was too tired to drive and would have been dangerous without that nap. Plus, earlier we hadnt known he was going to have to stay over. So I drove over to the ex's, but too late to see the boy and stayed overnight so I could be ready to drive them to the other hospital the next day. I was worried and was pretty mean to myself before I kicked myself out of it. OK very mean. Probably the high of the day before, plus the worry had got to me, but I did break myself out of it. Before I would have been doing it to myself for days... hiding away. A text to a dear friend to say how I was feeling and then put those feelings away. The boy was let out of hospital and they were pleased with how he had healed so he didnt need surgery, which was such a relief!!! We cuddled for a bit and played and then I drove back home. I was determined to go out and not miss my cooking class though, as everything was ok now, I needed to do that and not give into it. So I went to the class and while quiet, enjoyed it and came home pretty happy again.



I've never got over being "down" so quickly, or pushed through it so fast. I've never not retreated and gone out so soon afterwards. While I wish I didn't get down, and need to learn new ways to handle it... I am pretty proud again of myself in how I dealt with it.



As for the sleeping. It kind of feels like a curse now. I think she is probably right, my mind is too active. Knowing how I got down like that, I do keep such a tight grip on myself to keep pushing forward, to try and look forward and not back. To try and keep my emotions and perspective more positive and upbeat. Maybe the over-active mind is a byproduct of that and the sleeping the payment. So don't let it get me down and deal with the tiredness, as I saw Thurs just how vulnerable it makes me to getting down, but i *won't* let it keep me there.



A so generous friend has started sending me relaxation techniques, and maybe thats another case of kismet. The right person at the right time with the right words for me. It kind of feels like that, and I'm grateful for the time she's taken over it. Maybe thats the next step for me. Learning how to relax and let things be without having to *make* them be.



Oh and the boy is fine :). Got lots of attention at school and didn't know quite what to do with it! Can't wait to take him out again tomorrow and really miss him today, but he's out with friends.

Meetings

Tuesday I met someone from alt for the first time! This was such a big thing for me! Just going out and meeting someone. I am such a total wuss when it comes to meeting people as I am sure I'll go tongue tied and not know what to say, or be a blushing fool or or or. I'd known her for quite awhile saying hi on MSN and we'd talked about meeting up, and we both had that evening free.



When she popped up and asked if I was still free that night I got immediately nervous and that butterflies in the pit of my tummy feeling, but if you don't ever take risks how will you get anywhere? I'd kind of got to the point of if I didn't I'd chicken out and she was a nice girl so I really wanted to put a face to our chats. In the end, meeting for a nice drink, what have you got to lose? Worst case you walk away and had a nice drink and nothing lost except a little embarrassment and maybe thinking over it for awhile. Its really silly to let my shyness and reservations stopping me from having fun.



So I said yes, and we agreed to meet up in London. I was pretty nervous when I got there (lets ignore me coming out of Victoria station and going the wrong way) but I got there on time and walked into the bar. I guess I had wondered if I would recognise her but I did, and I was determined to enjoy myself and get the most out of it. I hope I didn't try too hard, but I had a great time and hope she did too. She was a really nice lady and we chatted about this and that and the other and then went for a curry before saying goodbye. A hug and a little kiss on the lips which I admit totally shocked me as I was not expecting it so I probably stood their like a gormless fool (a look I am good at ;-). I had just the best time and spent most of the journey home chatting to people on the phone and being basically fairly hyper at them.



I came away buzzing (and not just from alcohol) but from doing something I thought I could never or would never do... not only go and meet someone but actually enjoy it and having a great time and come back knowing it was a good time and I felt SO damned proud of myself for going out and meeting up! I was buzzing quietly to myself (but very tiredly as I got in really late) all the next day. Just shows what I can do if I don't stop myself. Saying "yes" is SO much harder than saying no, but SO rewarding. It opens so many possibilities!

Cooking

Last Thurs I started my cooking course. Its ten weeks, and just for men. I was really rushed by time I got there, it was the day of the big storms in the UK so the trains were running late, so I was running late, so I was rushed. I hate being rushed, it puts me on edge. I also don't handle new things well, I get nervous and tense, uptight, my back tightens, I get quiet. So, I went in and was deliberately talkative and smiled lots and pushed myself and had so much fun. Everyone else in the class turned out to be over 60 and either their wives had finally had enough and sent them out to learn how to cook, or they had been widowed recently.

We made minestrone soup and eves pudding the first night, and I enjoyed the cooking, getting out and the company. It was a really good evening if a late one. It also started good habits. The boy and I had pizza at the weekend, but we made it from scratch, base and all and it was yummy. This week was Lasagne, and a new guy turned up about my age. It was really good to get out after the day I'd have and the Lasagne was really good, and I had enough left over to split and freeze into four more portions. The left over home-made bolegense went well with baked potatoes. Two proper meals! Now I just need to keep disciplined!

Stockings

Before Christmas, I mentioned I was going to spoil myself just because of ME and becaues I wanted to. Not because anyone told me to, or because it was what they wanted of me but just because hell, I am an adult and this is part of me I want to explore and want to feel and want to know and see how I react and just feel. So long I've been closed off to things because of what was expected of me or what I thought was my duty or what was "normal". Well blow it, now I know I've done my duty and now I am me and time to explore that.

The toenail polish, I tried before Christmas and loved how pretty it made me feel. Not feminine, this isn't about trying to be or appear to be feminine, just things which appeal to me and make me feel good and pretty or feel nice. This week, I received a pair of stockings. Just because I wanted to try them, wanted to see how they felt. Call it an experiment. An investment in just trying and seeing how it felt, a little spent now to see. They were fishnet stockings that linked up to a built in thong so it could all attach together. I tried them on for the first time, rolling them up my legs in the middle of the night after a terribly sleepless night... and they just felt so nice. It was strange, I wasn't sure what I expected but it just felt kind of natural. It really did. The sensation, the material, the tightness, just, *purr*. Its just a delight in the touch, the feel. I liked it... after the initial omg what am I doing, and just settling down into enjoying it for what it was, it was just... right. It also kinda looked a whole lot better than I thought it would, in fact, when I took some pictures to look at I really liked how I looked. Wearing them, the tightness, the feel, the way they moved as I did. I have to say... I've never felt so sexy before in my life. I felt so HUNGRY, so lithe, so sensual... *purrr* it was an amazing feeling.

I've always been kind of bothered by how indefinite my tastes were. I like a little of this, a little of that, a little of everything. I've never had that drive or passion for one thing that some people have. I react to others, things they say spark me off, but that huge drive and passion.. no. I always felt a little wishy-washy, and indefinite because of this. Someone recently described me as reactive, and that I need a container to fill like a fluid, adapting and changing to their needs. I like that so much better as a thought. Its all me, just.. different parts. I guess my passion is people. This follows though in my tastes. I am a pup yes, that is most undoubtedly true. I also like nice things, and textures, and touches, but nothing ever becomes all consuming, all distracting to the point of not enjoying other things. Thats a nice way to be, a little this, a little that, reacting to other people. So, I really liked that sensation, and its part of me I will pursue in little small (but very pretty) ways, but its just a part of me. I also just loved Mistresses reaction as I *SO* want to look pretty for her and I am really really pleased how much she liked it. Being dressed for her is just such an incredible feeling, as much as what you have on, be it ribbons or stockings or anything. Going all day and knowing she knows and is pleased with what I have on, and with me, and I am on her mind, is as (if not more) intense and fulfilling as the actual intensity and distraction of the item...


One thing that did really surprise me though. Afterwards, this weekend, when I went to wash them. I had to hand wash them because of the material. After the just balatant sensuality of wearing them, something I wanted. The act of washing them felt incredibly submissive. It brought me to such a humble soft quiet state of mind as I scrubbed them by hand. I really really had not expected that. That was ummmm very humbling.

I also ordered a corset this week! My first corset which she selected for me. You don't know HOW hyper i've been all week because of that! Its beautiful burgundy kid leather...

Detachment

Despite being helpful and supportive though... I need to keep my detachment, her medication caused her itchiness to get worse so she stopped it, but spent much of the night she said on the phone to NHS direct and is now going straight back to the doctors. I know how she reacts to stress and worry and how fixated she gets on things, and this is kind of my worry. Every little thing that happens, she will panic and react and things will stop. I know this is how we were when we were together. I need that kind of distance between us so I can help how I can but, she is her own person and my responsibility is the boy.

Priorities

The ex-to-be's appointment has come through now. Its on Mon 12th Feb and starts at 8.30am. She will be in all day for various tests, with various things being inserted in various places. Thats kind of a bitch in timing. I am going to be working that weekend (maybe) as they are performing a shutdown of one of our development sites and then bringing the servers back up again... As some of those servers have been up for over a 1000 days, even if the planned "test" reboot works, I suspect we will have problems so have been put on dedicated standby. If there are problems they may well carry over into the monday, with missing network routes, and other stuff which was done to the servers but not made permament because well.. of people not quite doing what they should.

My first thought was of oh god no thats awkward I really need to be at work but. No, blow it. I spent too much time while we were together getting my priorities wrong in a misconveived thought I was doing the right thing by providing for the family. So, I am going to tell my boss I need to work from her house that day so I can get her to the hospital and collect her and I will stay over night after her sedation to make sure she is ok. I'm planning to leave about 6am and drive back to home so I can then get the train into work on the Tuesday so she has someone there overnight. Hopefully I will make it to her house on the Sunday so she can have company while she ummm purges her system through the day as I am sure she will not be in exactly her best. Screw it, I made mistakes in my priorities while we were together, not any more. She is not my responsibility, but she is family and I will put the important things first.

Repurcussions

I must stop having odd weeks. Monday was quite a shock and I was very glad to be there and I could give her someone else to lean on and also to talk things through with the boy. I know it helped, she said she was talking about me at work on Tuesday (its always good to have a good press) and she was a lot more positive. The first shock and impact of the "what might happen" and the words "incurable" fell into the correct place when thinking of the timescales involved, the may never happens, the worst cases. That life carries on, that now these little things weren't just imagined but they have a name. That she will be monitored and just have an idea what happened. She was much more positive on the Tuesday and I know she will have bad days, when things get to her and so this comes out of the back of her mind, but thats just usual.

Tuesday however was the day I fell to pieces and wanted to cry all day. I guess the shock hit me after I stopped having to be a bright smiley encouraging face for them. It was the day of my performance review at work so I was not very enthused about that (which is ok, as my boss new what was going on), but I really just wanted to curl up for the day. 3hrs sleep didn't help, so I kind of dragged myself through the day until a quiet evening to finally just relax quietly and let go. I never cried though, it just settled somewhere in the back of my head.

Bad news

I don't really know how to write this post, so I guess just as it comes. This blog feels very much "I, I, I" which sounds bad as she is the one thats got this on her plate but, frankly... this is my blog and I've spent the evening being cheerful and encouraging for her and the boy so this is where I get to curl up and let it out, so I can keep doing that, can keep reminding myself why and how things as they are, so we can keep getting this right.

I'm glad I offered to go to the hospital with her. Sometimes its hard to know what the right thing to do is, you know? How far does one involve oneself without getting too involved? When is too much? When do you let someone handle things on their own. There are good reasons I'm single now. We were so wrong for each other. She is not a bad person and she is a good mother, but the relationship WAS abusive. Physically and emotionally abusive. She couldn't handle frustrations and that led to her anger and temper and that led to bad things. So, I'm always wary of when things are hard for her. Its taken me a long time to get where I am and stop repeating those things to myself long, long, after I left and so she stopped.

I can't get too involved or make the mistake of trying to make things better for her and then end up the target of it, then we would be back to where we were. Where we are is a much better face. Friends but, if she gets uptight we have that distance between us which means she has to handle it and cope on her own two feet and get through it. I can walk away. That sounds cold and hard and in a way it probably is, but I've seen how much better and stronger she is for having to do it. So I can encourage and support, provide practical assistance and show I care but... Damn thats hard, you know? When you just want to hold and cuddle and try and stop it hurting to badly. I know though the reason I can care so much now is because I've defrosted from how I was. So the middle ground we have to find.

So, we went to the hospital and I said I'd wait with the boy in the waiting room and not come in. A lot of me did want to go in with her, so someone else could hear what was said, say it back to her. Its very hard to hear everything when you are upset, hard to concentrate and know all that is said. On the other hand, I didn't want the boy to hear... and I wanted that "I'm here for you, when you need me" detachment. I felt pretty torn. The consultant was running an hour late so we had to wait, which made her more nervous. She came out fighting away tears so I knew it wasn't great news.

I could see she needed space to get what had been said a little more into her head, so after hugging her and letting her cry a little and making sure she knew she wasn't alone I offered to take them out to the pub for dinner. She was grateful, the boy was obviously worried about his mum and it gave her room to get a bit more composed while the boy chattered away to cover his edginess. I also knew she really wasn't in a state to go home and cook for them both.

When we got back to her place I put him in his bedroom to play for a little so she and I could talk over what the consultant had said. Apparently this showed up on her biopsy under my private healthcare ages ago, but they didn't bring it up... and had said she was doing fine. Now she is back under the NHS it showed up. I don't know the in's and out's and to be honest whats past is past and there is no point being bitter about it. In a way I think things happen for a reason and if we had of known then, I would probably have felt some stupid obligation and never have been able to leave. She and I and the boy are all SO much happier now how we are, that would have been a tragedy in itself. I am proud of how she has grown this last year and the things she has achived. So this is obviously the time to face this challenge, as we are now. Still and always a family, just one thats apart.

They've diagnosed her with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis a chronic liver disease. I know I'm going to be looking it up a lot to get the different descriptions and stories of people living with the disease. Not good news, but what I think threw her as much was when they talked about testing her for crohn's disease and osteoporosis too. I think it was just one thing on top of another. So she came out not sure quite how much was them suspecting those from her previous results, or because (crohn's for instance) go so hand in hand. The words ringing in her ears when she came out were the consultants words warning of the eventuality of liver failure and transplant. I am not surprised those were the words she clung to, it must have been one hell of a shock. Of course that may never happen... and even if it does it is a long term prospect. So we chatted about it, the tests, she was worried about the practicalities of me being around to look after the boy and get him to school when she has to go to hospital for those. It will be fine, we will sort something out. I made her laugh, made sure she knew she wasn't alone, encouraged her to stop thinking of the worst as thats a long long time away if ever, and then had to go have a chat with the little boy and try and explain what had happened. That wasn't easy, as he could see his mum was rattled. So I kept it light, honest. They had diagnosed a disease but as they didn't do anything for it then nothing had changed. It just gave it a name. They'd give her something for her itchy feet so we didn't have to worry she had flea's now (that got a laugh), and they were going to do some tests for some other stuff just to see if she had that, but still nothing was really going to change even if they found that too. He looked happier after.

She is in a much better place in herself to fight this than she was even 6 months ago. She will be ok in the ways that count, in how she deals with it hanging over her head. She will. That little boy means the world to her as he does to me. I know she'll think on that when the shock has settled a little. That will give her strength. Its going to be hard at times, but we'll get through. Always family.

Drama

The boy started drama classes yesterday, just an hour or so on a Sat morning. We quickly found out why he was allowed a place when they were so full.

They needed a boy! Yes, he is in a group of about 13 people and all the rest are little girls. He whispered to me confidentially afterwards that lots of them were quite pretty and they were so excited at having a boy finally.

They played games and then got into groups and made improvised drama's. The boy LOVES improv, he comes up with so many games at school it comes naturally to him. I am so proud of him and how well he handles himself in groups now. He still doesn't like rough boys and naturally gravitates to girls, but in a friendly group he has such confidence. He really has taken the best bits of his Mum and Dad :).

Cupcakes

Oh my! Despite our utter convinction that the boy and my first attempt at cupcakes form scratch together would end up as rock cakes, they came out yummy and I got the boys thumb of approval! Woohooo. Now, I just have to sit there and watch him eat them as I couldn't have more than just a first taste myself!

The ex and how not to handle frustration

When I got to the ex's (only a little late from my stopping) she was in tears. She had lost her sat nav car charger and had had to go get the boy from his new drama class and didn't know where it was. When I got there, she had all the cupboards out and she burst into tears. The boy was upstairs playing on his PC and talking to one of my friends whom I trust for him to hassle. I am glad actually, it gave him a way to get out of her way while she was in such a worked up mood. I gave her a cuddle as she cried and told her it was ok, and she let out her frustration too. She said she had ordered a new cable on ebay and hoped it was the right one, so I offered to check. One of the cables she actually ordered was wrong and that made her upset again. So, I emailed them and asked them to switch it for the right one so I hope thats all sorted.

This is a difference between us. She handles frustration by getting upset and bursting into tears and stopping. I kind of go quiet and try and just survive and get on no matter how much it hurts. I knew she needed a break and these things are easier to handle outside the house, so I took her and the boy to the local starbucks at the supermarket (as I needed some milk and things anyway) and bought her a latte, the boy a milk and me a chai tea. It helped her relax anyway away from the situation and she was happier when she left. It hadnt been a good day for her in all. She had received a letter saying her appeal for a breast reduction from the health services had been turned down. That on top of her parents going on holiday to Australia soon, losing the cable... worry. It had got too much for her.

Monday she has a hospital appointment about her liver problems and she is scared. She doesnt want to tell her parents in case they postponed their trip, or nagged her. I am staying over there tonight anyway as I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a checkup (and I think i have a hole, grrrr) and its still over near hers.... so what could i do? I of course offered to work from her house tomorrow so I could go with her to the hospital and sit with the boy, so she wasn't alone. It means driving home in the dark tomorrow night but, somethings you really just have to do.

The week that was

This is kind of out of order as its been a strange week. However, the second night at my ex's (Tues) was so much better. The boy was more relaxed, more settled how things were, which made her more at ease as she didn't react against it. I got busy and sorted out getting the TV aerial cabled into his bedroom, into the TV tuner card into his PC. After messing around I also managed to get the signal in her bedroom better too which generally put me in everyones good books.

The boy and I curled up for the evening watching half of how the Grinch stole Christmas and he went to bed on time without any grumbles. It was nice, but in hindsight it is very noticable just how much, even being there and enjoying being around "family", I kind of deliberately avoided being near her for too long. She and I get on so much better outside the confines of a single house. So, while Wednesday I found it really hard being alone again. No fear, I know I am better off away from her.

I was awake first in the morning and the boy came in wearing his pj's (no matter how grownup in the day they look, in pj's he looks so soft and cuddly and like my little boy again). He was rubbing his eyes and yawning and smiling and cuddled me curled up in the chair next to me and
it was all just perfect. I loved taking him to school again.

The next day, as shown... Was weird. The course finished early (it was a good course) and came home and it was nice to be home. I guess as I tired and unwound and the darker thoughts started to settle and I started to feel lonely, which led to the overnight thoughts. I am glad of the blog though. That did help. While I slept as badly as normal, it was good to be in work if more than a little stressful. Good to see some of the people anyway. Unfortunately, I had had work planned for all day (an upgrade, the only day it could be done in work hours) and that was on my mind the night before, as well as some politics going on. Well the politics went on and I got dragged in pointlessly which delayed me starting til 1pm. Since it had been planned all day I knew that I'd have to finish off at home which was annoying but ok. So I left the server patching when I left work, to pick up at home. When I got home and rebooted the server it then decided not to reboot. At that point I was very close to bursting into tears. I was tired (I think I'd been up since 5am again), things were not going well and I had a long long night ahead. A friend phoned and I was very short with her, well not nasty at her, just uncommunicative because I knew if i did let go I would just crumple in a heap and I had so much to get done that night, so much to get fixed. I know it was hard on her, it was obvious by how short my replies were and the tone of my voice how upset I was, but I couldnt say anything really as then I'd lose my grip on it and not be able to function. When I'm happy and up I tend to ramble, animatedly with lots of tone in my voice. When I'm not I am very quiet, terse, flat. So its kind of obvious. The same happens in my face I am told, from a big grin to nothing.

After that, I gave myself a little break talking online with another friend. That was a little easier, being words rather than voice, it let me dethrost a little, I could also concentrate on her and give myself that space I needed to let my tension dissipate. Its one thing I've learnt, if I am stressed or uptight the best thing for me is to be able to love someone else, it brings out a much nicer part of me, and brings me to that point I can put some of that back on myself (or can let others love me again). So if anyone out there thanks me for caring them... then NO, thank YOU for letting me love you. It makes me such a better person and I am very very grateful you let me. I need to be able to give love and affection, I can't survive without it.

I had the server back to the point I could actually start work by 9pm. I had the upgrade finished by midnight. I crawled into bed so tired but relieved.

Friday proved to be a really good day at work. I didn't exactly sleep well again, but I got to woke a little hyper manic, maybe from tiredness or maybe from relief. I had meetings on and off all day, but they were good ones... a new project which we were being involved with fairly early on and without the design teaming being present it meant we could raise our real operational issues without anyone getting in the way. It may also force the hand on some frustrations we have had with getting sponsorship for some upgrades in Solaris. It was a good day. It makes me wonder, as always, whats the difference between today days like that? One good, one awful. I don't like that see-sawing, there must be a balance. I did get to chat with my friend again though, and she was much relieved to hear me more lively.

That brings us upto Sat morning. Another restless night, waking every few hours. I woke up Sat and could have just stayed and napped, I was so tired. But, no time... had to get the house tidied and then go get the boy, so a 90mile round trip. I got myself fairly quickly frustrated and groused at Mistress about it. Tired so don't want to do anything, but have the boy and want to make the most of it. Want to be quiet, but don't want to waste the time with him. I feel guilty, and frustrated. She made me breathe and take a step back and I went to get him if not happy, at least calmer as I knew I was on the edge of getting myself down. I had got about 5 miles into the drive when I stopped the car and left a message saying I was going to go see the Doctors next week about my sleeping. Its been the whole of winter now that I've not slept properly. I mean I never slept that well before if I was stressed or upset, but for all of winter... well i can't think of one night I've slept through. Its either been waking at 4am and not back to sleep (or earlier) or waking every 2 hrs and being awake a little then nap, then wake, and nap. Never rested the next day. With the boy at weekends, there is no chance to lay in really... so it catches up with me. I know so many can't sleep, and I so sympathise with you. Without naps as well... I get weary, lose energy, get frustrated, find things harder to handle, get overwhelmed, start looking at the negative not positive, lose interest in things. Then I get ill, lose my appetite and its a vicious circle. So I am going to make an appointment with the doctor. Last night for instance i must have woken about 5 times and had a nightmare too. I was in bed a long time, and i guess slept a fair chunk but, do I feel rested? No.

So, I will go to the doctors which is like a last resort to me as I have a real issue with them after trying to get help with my ex's depression for five years. Why did I stop the car and tell her then and there? Well it means I can't chicken out or change my mind or make excuses now. I will go, despite disliking them and distrusting them. That left me feeling a lot more positive for the day, as I'd made a choice. I was glad of that, so very very glad considering what state my ex was in when I got there.

Good night

Back home again. Two nights of being with the boy, two nights of coming home almost to a family again.

Tonight it feels a struggle. I went to bed early, lay there and started thinking dark thoughts. Thoughts that are coming from the missing him, from missing being around family, from knowing my parents are now 5000 miles away in Arizona for three months, from feeling suddenly lost again. Thoughts of the day at work tomorrow that I already know from checking my work email is going to be a nightmare after the three days away, and the tension I can feel in my back at just the thought of it. I know in my head this is coming from all those mixed up feelings of the transition again to being here on my own, from worry, from lonliness, from all these things. I know its Thurs tomorrow, so only two more days before I have him again. I know that in my head, but I can't feel that at the moment so those dark thoughts come out. All the so very not nice things I say to myself. The ones that make me want to shrug and just give up because there is really no point trying to be any different and to slink away into a hole. The ones that hurt so badly inside.

So what do I do? I blog. I get out of bed and I blog. I get my ass out of that little stupour, those nasty little words that just started going round my head and I blog. I sit and write down whats in my head so I can go back and sleep and leave them here as I don't need those feelings, I don't want them.

So here they are and here they will stay, and back to bed with this one. Good night, I hope.

Sleepless somewhere else

Well, made it through the day though it was a struggle at times to keep concentrating. I woke up at 2am with my sinuses hurting and that was basically it for the night. Fortunately some wonderful people are up at my silly times of the night thank heavens for once for timezones and my love of Americans. I was sent to work this morning smiling and happy and relaxed and tried to take that spirit into the day despite being so tired.

I tried to take that new found determination into the day, despite the whole off-balance feeling and tried to take the bull by the horns in one situation thats been bothering me about the house. I've made my point clearly now, what happens next is out my hands.

So feeling more than slightly tired, definitely snotty and bunged up I attended the first day of this 3 day course. DTrace, a dynamic tracing tool for Solaris. I have to say its an amazingly cool tool and the possibilities are endless, it will really change how we do some things when we finally get Solaris 10 rolled out. For once we will really know what the machines are doing. Maybe it insulated my mind from it being so tired! It was a struggle after the lovely lunch though. The first time i've had meatloaf! God knows how much has gone into my fuzzy head though.

Tonight has been a challenge. I'm staying at the ex's and the boy has been understandably unsettled. I know he finds it hard how to handle this and just gets grousy and then won't settle and won't go to bed. Poor little bugger. His mum takes it personally though and gets uptight and upset. I am wondering if agreeing to stay was a good move or not, but I know I wouldn't have wanted to face that drive in the dark feeling like this. We will get by.

Pride

We had a very strange leaving event this work at week. A guy in our team was leaving (and he has always been very unlucky, so there was the normal teasing about what might go wrong). It was all a little odd, and he kept not being in the office in the week upto going and was very coy as to what was happening.

His job was in europe so we bought him a travel guide as part of his leaving present. When we went to hand it to him we were told he wasnt going there at all, the contract had fallen through and at the last minute he had had to take another one in the UK. It was all kind of uncomfortable and no one knew what to say.

It made me think. He had obviously know this might happen for a week or two. What would I have done in that situation? Would I have told everyone? Would I have kept quiet? Would I have asked for my old job back? Would I have burnt my bridges too much to go back? Would I be too proud.

I think I've never burnt bridges behind me though, this industry is too small and it would bite you in the bum when you ran into those people again. It made me think though, how much do I let pride stop me from doing or saying?