Today has been quite a day.
Work was frustrating to say the least. The Solaris 10 project. Again. Its not even at the first phase of the project process yet. We've been trying to get it off the ground for 18months, but its been tied in red tape, people trying to piggy back their upgrades off it, the design team trying to get their pet ideas in (again) or go on wild fancies, and lack of anyone to pay for it even though its essential.
18 months I've done 2/3rds of the work, I just need the bits that relate to other teams. Its very frustrating. Nearly 3hrs discussing what was in and out of scope, what maybe required in estimates, and we still havent hit the first project phase. No wonder I am sick of it. Its also very very draining. Going over the same arguments over and over again.
Arrrrgh its so tiring.
Its also Monday, and we know how I get on Mondays after giving Alex back.
Also, Ma`am was in a very interesting mood today. Very forceful. Very very powerful. In fact I don't think I've ever known her in quite such a definite and strong mood. She pushed me today. She pushed me hard. She pushed me very very hard and definitely to places which were as far as I've gone outside my comfort zone. I know I kept creeping back and looking for reassurances and reminding myself she would be there and would guide me and believed in me.
Awhile after she went to bed, I was hit by the full fatigue of the day and felt lost. Lost and a little helpless and hopeless, and had some of those "is this lifestyle really for me?" feelings. I know its a combination of tiredness, frustration and being taken out of my comfort zone. I felt overwhelmed by it to the point of indecision. I had to go out to the store and get some cup-a-soups to post to my landlady in the philipines as she has been poorly and its all she can keep down, so I did. While I was there, I wanted something NICE to drink. The chocolate the boy has in the house was staring at me in house so I wanted something nice that I could have. I thought about some orange juice and picked up a couple of cartons and then walked on... then stopped and looked at the ingrediants, and saw they had added sugar and then looked more closely at the shelves. So many juices had added sugar, so I put them back... and found a couple of reasonably priced juice and yoghurt litre smoothies with no added sugar, just fruit. So chose those. OK, so they were three times the price but. It all just kinda clicked back into place. A simple decision, ignore the sugar, go for the easy option, or look a little deeper, spend more time and follow her rules for me. As soon as I did that, I felt better, happier, calmer and more in control as I knew my place and it was as simple as that.
She knows how far and how fast she can push, and more... she's given me the tools to cope with the reactions to it. She started off gently, slowly, taught me that she would be there after no matter what. Even in the times she is quiet, she's always shown she will be there later. Now she doesn't need to molly-coddle quite so much and can push harder and further. Now she expects me to have learnt some of those ways of dealing with those feelings, to keep myself close to her.
She has set the routines, the rituals, the little things to provide me that all encompassing knowledge of ownership to help me find the balance for when she isn't there. Thats kind of more awesome than just the sweet sweet affection she gives... she's tried to empower me.
Work was frustrating to say the least. The Solaris 10 project. Again. Its not even at the first phase of the project process yet. We've been trying to get it off the ground for 18months, but its been tied in red tape, people trying to piggy back their upgrades off it, the design team trying to get their pet ideas in (again) or go on wild fancies, and lack of anyone to pay for it even though its essential.
18 months I've done 2/3rds of the work, I just need the bits that relate to other teams. Its very frustrating. Nearly 3hrs discussing what was in and out of scope, what maybe required in estimates, and we still havent hit the first project phase. No wonder I am sick of it. Its also very very draining. Going over the same arguments over and over again.
Arrrrgh its so tiring.
Its also Monday, and we know how I get on Mondays after giving Alex back.
Also, Ma`am was in a very interesting mood today. Very forceful. Very very powerful. In fact I don't think I've ever known her in quite such a definite and strong mood. She pushed me today. She pushed me hard. She pushed me very very hard and definitely to places which were as far as I've gone outside my comfort zone. I know I kept creeping back and looking for reassurances and reminding myself she would be there and would guide me and believed in me.
Awhile after she went to bed, I was hit by the full fatigue of the day and felt lost. Lost and a little helpless and hopeless, and had some of those "is this lifestyle really for me?" feelings. I know its a combination of tiredness, frustration and being taken out of my comfort zone. I felt overwhelmed by it to the point of indecision. I had to go out to the store and get some cup-a-soups to post to my landlady in the philipines as she has been poorly and its all she can keep down, so I did. While I was there, I wanted something NICE to drink. The chocolate the boy has in the house was staring at me in house so I wanted something nice that I could have. I thought about some orange juice and picked up a couple of cartons and then walked on... then stopped and looked at the ingrediants, and saw they had added sugar and then looked more closely at the shelves. So many juices had added sugar, so I put them back... and found a couple of reasonably priced juice and yoghurt litre smoothies with no added sugar, just fruit. So chose those. OK, so they were three times the price but. It all just kinda clicked back into place. A simple decision, ignore the sugar, go for the easy option, or look a little deeper, spend more time and follow her rules for me. As soon as I did that, I felt better, happier, calmer and more in control as I knew my place and it was as simple as that.
She knows how far and how fast she can push, and more... she's given me the tools to cope with the reactions to it. She started off gently, slowly, taught me that she would be there after no matter what. Even in the times she is quiet, she's always shown she will be there later. Now she doesn't need to molly-coddle quite so much and can push harder and further. Now she expects me to have learnt some of those ways of dealing with those feelings, to keep myself close to her.
She has set the routines, the rituals, the little things to provide me that all encompassing knowledge of ownership to help me find the balance for when she isn't there. Thats kind of more awesome than just the sweet sweet affection she gives... she's tried to empower me.
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