Fears and friends

I had to work overnight Thurs to Friday night so was pretty tired by Friday morning and ready to nap. I had IRC on in the background and was chatting casually with my Owner and her new pet came in. You know this was something which made me a little insecure last week, not jealous, just... well I was thinking about this this week. Looking back I seem to struggle to keep friends in my life for too long. A year or two at most. Even my best friend now rarely speaks to me, she's wrapped up in other things, so I kind of start off expecting people to be interested in me for a time and then to get bored when I lose their interest and they find new things. I know I've never helped this as I was so insular and trying to keep the peace in my marriage, so this is a new time now and a new me...but the memories and experience are there. I expect people to get bored of me, as I don't really see anything that there is to be interested.

So thats part of the feeling about my nervousness. He's new, exciting, I'm a comfortable worn pup. Its a silly fear because of course, she likes me for me, and not because I was someone new. She knows and trusts me and values me and I know all that in my head, but still those insecurities remain, especially as I feel SO damn slow at the moment with all the broken sleep, I really get frustrated that thinking straight and concentrating is a challenge. So everyone else feels so much smarter, funnier, wittier. I mean I think that anyway normally, but I know being tired all the time makes it worse.

So he came into channel and he is a really nice guy, smart and very quick and funny. It had me laughing watching him. After he had left, Mistress sent me a private message saying he'd wanted to say it was nice to see me again but was too shy. I just sat there, staring at the screen in shock then. How could someone be shy of me? Its me thats shy of everyone else.

Have you ever had the world turn upside down and your whole perspective change then? Suddenly I could see how it might be from the other side, in fact how it had felt when I was the new pet and first met the princess and was SO intimidated by her as Mistress just gushes about her all the time with such affection. It took me quite awhile to get over that and be able to see princess as a friend and make my own relationship with her and put aside that feeling I was intruding between the two of them as they had been together so long. I think thats what I felt most. I was an intruder and didn't like to push between them. It settled, I worked at it with Mistress and now princess is a great great friend and I wouldn't be without her around. I hadn't seen how he might be feeling some kind of nervousness or shyness about me (of course completely different ones than I had had), but of course he could, so why was I being so shy and scared, I should reach out too and not miss out on the chance of a good friend.

It's amazing how seeing things from someone elses side can change your attitude. He's a really nice guy and I am glad I could say hi and make his acquaintance a little, not as another pet but as another person I want to get to know for himself.