I am a few days behind on this, I've been struggling to get motivated. So a quick catchup as there are things I need to write down.
Monday, I got up early as I couldn't sleep, it had been another long and restless night. I was pretty tired out, spent a little time chatting before work with my Owner and she let me cum. I loved playing with her and giving her pleasure, but I have to admit I just didn't really feel anything for myself, it felt a very purely physical thing and kind of distant. The satisfaction for me was being able to be there with her and for her (which was pretty nice in its own way :).
This gave me a hint just how exhausted I was feeling after the weekend and the thought of trudging into work suddenly seemed something guaranteed to make me sick. I was tired, feeling a little dizzy and trembly and I know there is a cold waiting to get me. I don't know if those symptoms are side-effects, or tiredness or the cold, but it didn't really make much difference, so I called in sick and spent the day basically dozing and napping and other than that being curled in bed. I really needed it so I didn't feel guilty for once, it was just being smart. I also asked Ma`am if I could skip playing that night if I didn't feel up-to it, which shows you kind of how I was feeling... In the end I am glad I did as it was not something I was really interested in.
Tuesday was better, I felt tired still but not so exhausted. Still dizzy and off-balance, a little shaky but better. My head was muzzy so concentrating was a nightmare but it did end up clearing a little by 3pm. I felt up-to flirting a little and feeling a little friskier, but I still didn't take up the option of playing that night. I felt frisky but just no energy or desire to pursue it physically. Was nice to feel a little more myself though :). I did ask if I could dress up in a pretty pair of panties though and was allowed, that was nice enough for me to give me a content tired smile for the evening. I'm easily pleased :).
Today has been pretty much the same. Still on/off sleepless and struggling to go back to sleep but I was not feeling as "wired on" as I have been. I did have some tears overnight, thinking through some things and coming to negative conclusions. Its to be expected I know.
Last night I had a conversation with a friend which I found a little hard, almost accusatory, especially as I am still hurting over losing a friend last week when she decided I was to lightweight for her and had changed as I didn't "share things" with her any more. Last nights conversation was about the anti-depressants and why I was on them. Her opinion seemed to be very much I had been influenced by the American's I know as I hadn't needed them six months ago, and hadn't needed them when she was there all the time, so why did I suddenly need them now? I have a feeling her attitude is very much of a "people should help themselves" thing and she doesn't approve of drugs or any other "crutches".
I tried to explain that basically I have been like this for a long time and it runs in my family. That its been there, I just haven't been able to admit it, that only now could I really face up-to how I was. So now I needed some help to deal with it and move on. She said she was sorry she had never picked it up before, but that's ok, I wasn't really to face it before. I hope she meant that.
If I let myself, I could think that I've got worse, that needing this help now after all this time means I've just gone backwards and become more depressed and unable to cope, whereas I could before. I think that's what her thoughts led me to. It's not that though, it's the opposite. I've got to a point I can look at more, admit more, accept more and try and deal with more. That's why I need this help now, even if this ends up being a long term thing, its trying to face up-to more of what's been going on inside me.
Monday, I got up early as I couldn't sleep, it had been another long and restless night. I was pretty tired out, spent a little time chatting before work with my Owner and she let me cum. I loved playing with her and giving her pleasure, but I have to admit I just didn't really feel anything for myself, it felt a very purely physical thing and kind of distant. The satisfaction for me was being able to be there with her and for her (which was pretty nice in its own way :).
This gave me a hint just how exhausted I was feeling after the weekend and the thought of trudging into work suddenly seemed something guaranteed to make me sick. I was tired, feeling a little dizzy and trembly and I know there is a cold waiting to get me. I don't know if those symptoms are side-effects, or tiredness or the cold, but it didn't really make much difference, so I called in sick and spent the day basically dozing and napping and other than that being curled in bed. I really needed it so I didn't feel guilty for once, it was just being smart. I also asked Ma`am if I could skip playing that night if I didn't feel up-to it, which shows you kind of how I was feeling... In the end I am glad I did as it was not something I was really interested in.
Tuesday was better, I felt tired still but not so exhausted. Still dizzy and off-balance, a little shaky but better. My head was muzzy so concentrating was a nightmare but it did end up clearing a little by 3pm. I felt up-to flirting a little and feeling a little friskier, but I still didn't take up the option of playing that night. I felt frisky but just no energy or desire to pursue it physically. Was nice to feel a little more myself though :). I did ask if I could dress up in a pretty pair of panties though and was allowed, that was nice enough for me to give me a content tired smile for the evening. I'm easily pleased :).
Today has been pretty much the same. Still on/off sleepless and struggling to go back to sleep but I was not feeling as "wired on" as I have been. I did have some tears overnight, thinking through some things and coming to negative conclusions. Its to be expected I know.
Last night I had a conversation with a friend which I found a little hard, almost accusatory, especially as I am still hurting over losing a friend last week when she decided I was to lightweight for her and had changed as I didn't "share things" with her any more. Last nights conversation was about the anti-depressants and why I was on them. Her opinion seemed to be very much I had been influenced by the American's I know as I hadn't needed them six months ago, and hadn't needed them when she was there all the time, so why did I suddenly need them now? I have a feeling her attitude is very much of a "people should help themselves" thing and she doesn't approve of drugs or any other "crutches".
I tried to explain that basically I have been like this for a long time and it runs in my family. That its been there, I just haven't been able to admit it, that only now could I really face up-to how I was. So now I needed some help to deal with it and move on. She said she was sorry she had never picked it up before, but that's ok, I wasn't really to face it before. I hope she meant that.
If I let myself, I could think that I've got worse, that needing this help now after all this time means I've just gone backwards and become more depressed and unable to cope, whereas I could before. I think that's what her thoughts led me to. It's not that though, it's the opposite. I've got to a point I can look at more, admit more, accept more and try and deal with more. That's why I need this help now, even if this ends up being a long term thing, its trying to face up-to more of what's been going on inside me.
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