Point in time

I've decided to post the list of things I gave to the doctor of what was bothering me. That way I have a point in time of how I felt before I started on this medication and can look back at it in a few months and tick off which ones feel better/worse/no different. Yes, I know, this is my work background coming out and coming up with measurable indicators. It helps though, as so much is objective and I tend to find it difficult to imagine how I was at any other point in my life.



This list of course comes from one of the harder times, so it is fairly negative, and I know this isn't a true reflection of me, its very one sided. They are all part of me though and contains things I want to change and be able to cross off.





Bad things -



Seem to get more and more worked up so thoughts just spin and won’t settle, then cycle faster and faster between up and down to within hours til I don’t know whether I am coming or going. It just creeps and builds up over time.



It gets debilitating and paralysing to the point I end up just doing nothing as I can’t make decisions.



Get very tired all the time. Find it hard to concentrate when I am going through those cycles, memory is just shot. Even following lists of things to do gets hard. Forget what I am going to put on them.



Afterwards, when I’ve been very down, tend to get very hyper then worn out to the point of complete exhaustion.



Has really been going on since I was a late teenager, but always just think it wasn’t that bad really after. Hard to tell if its got worse or better as it’s something I put out of my mind.



It feels like a dream or someone else. Works up to a really bad point and then seems to break, after bad nights being vicious at myself in the middle of the night. It kind of builds upto this.



When I am down everything seems completely hopeless and pointless. Its really just an existence getting by just because I have to be there for the boy. Feel very closed off, paranoid, anxious.



Have to sometimes make myself not do things which I used to do, checking the door’s locked repeatedly. and cooker is off. Sometimes do give in and walk back when I am walking to the station.and have gone up the street. Have gone home once from work as I was so worried about it, or driven back from halfway from returning the boy.



Little appetite.



Tend to rationalise it afterwards but find it kicks the fight out of me, so I withdraw.



Anxiety - Getting very down - Not sleeping, feeding each other in a vicious circle.



Anxious in social groups or unknown situations and large groups and tend to avoid them.





Good things -



I love the weekends with my son, even if we don't do anything, just sharing the time.



I'm pleased with how I've sorted out arrangements with my ex-to-be, how amicable we are.



I'm proud of how I handled, in the end, the separation.



I'm getting better at being able to be around people and not hiding, even if its exhausting.



I'm well respected at work and highly spoken of.



I'm for the first time in my life comfortable with my body.



I do face upto the bad times more and try and deal with things, not run and hide.



I have a wonderful Owner whom I adore and who adores me, who saw so much in me when I didn't, and still see's more.