Different days, different ways

So, today is a much different day. Last night was the first night I took the pill at night, to drive and swing round the fuzziness to a more practical time of the day (i.e. not all day). I didn't sleep that great, had the slight nausea and muffledness through the night. Didn't take anything to help me sleep as I had to go get the boy early this morning. Had a bit of a bad night, a little upset and continuation of being down.

This morning though I feel the complete opposite. Very up, very upbeat, hyper. I feel confident, energetic to the point of being jittery. I could notice the difference in how I was in shops this morning, and with the ex. I hugged her and gave her a cuddle as she had a bad day with her parents yesterday. I was sympathetic and a lot more touchy feely than I had been feeling. In the shops I was more confident, direct with the staff and looked them in the eye (as opposed to my tendancy when down to avoid contact or look away). I could also see the difference in my driving style. A lot more casual, but aggressive and confident. Whereas I might concentrate really hard on some of the country roads around here normally, I just relaxed and enjoyed them and drove on a much more subconscious and instinctive level, rather than over thinking it. Its a complete contrast and the total opposite to yesterday. It's probably not excessively good for me either (even though it feels a lot nicer) but all part of the process of equalising I guess. Just another different mood to record for posterity!

Delivery

One of those funny things happened today, in the middle of the good and the bad. Reminds me just what how a little humiliation can still get to you in such a nice squirmy way.

The doorbell rang, it was the postgirl (a pretty one this time), and she had the parcel with my cuffs and spreader in. I was out of breath anyway as I had to take my collar off before I got to the door. She had to fumble around to find something for me to sign and that's when I noticed that the packet was open and one of the cuffs was half hanging out... with the trigger clip there for all to see. I just died and took it off her hoping she wouldn't make any sort of comment or apology about it, or it wouldn't just fall out in front of me. It's always been one of my nightmares that a toy delivery would go next door and the neighbours dog would open it up... I never expected it to be open when it was delivered!

They are very pretty though.

Struggles

This is proving to be, shall we say, a trying time. That's two day's I've been pretty down. I know what kicked it off yesterday, my dear landlady who is due back tomorrow night hasn't been too well and it was looking like she was going to end up in hospital and not be able to come back for the week. I was worried sick about her, missing her and generally disappointed too. That really hit me. She is so dear to me, its been 6 months since I've seen her, I so want to see her but also... I just don't want anything to happen to her. I know she's suffered quite a bit recently.

Besides that, things just feel so much harder. I feel apathetic. I find it hard to concentrate, even harder than before. It's like my brain is so fuzzy I can't think properly. Everything feels muted and distant. I could just stare off into space if I didn't force myself to do something. All my feelings seem muffled and deadened.

Sexually and emotionally I am pretty much dead. What used to make me aroused now just gives me a little stir. If I do get aroused that feeling fades quickly. I still react to Ma`am but not with the same intensity. I get hard, but not as hard. I soften quicker. Things my Owner says which used to make me just shiver (like good boy) now give me a quiet content soft smile instead. It's that kind of change. So I feel rather flat. I don't really have any interest in cumming except when she pushes me, I will see how that goes. If it stays like that, in awhile then I will have a chat with her about my play days and see if they should stop for now and just let it be when she wants me.

Maybe change them to something else, something that works better and adjust to these changes.

In the week, when I was given the opportunity to play and cum I was more interested in dressing up and looking pretty, and feeling pretty. I just didn't have the interest in going beyond that. If things don't settle then I will talk with her about maybe allowing a softer pleasure
on those nights, like that.

I've been feeling today like the changes so far have not made me feel any better, they've just robbed me of the things that made life worth living. The joys, the intensities. The down is still there, but the ups have gone. I know its still early days, I know that it won't be
for a few weeks I start to see any benefits, and I hope then some of the downsides fade. Patience.

It keeps feeling that I've broken her toy with this pill. Its hard to explain that, basically that my reactions are so deadened, so muffled, that I can't be the toy for her I was. Can't respond in the same ways. I'm not even sure I can get to that intensity of subspace now. That's a bad, negative reaction though, one from that feeling of loss. The reality is she still cares and has the same affection for me she always had. Our relationship was based on friendship a long
long time before it became sexual or I became hers. Puppy's are creatures that love and adore their owner's and I can and will still do that with passion. I may not be quite the slut I was anymore but I still have a lot more to give her. I am still hers.

Maybe I've always gone from highs to lows too much and back again, and I need to lose some of those highs too to even out the lows, and find some gentle medium. A gentle pup. Maybe, at the moment it feels like a loss, and it feels like a struggle and an effort to keep going. I
have my plan though and I will stick to it. Doctors appointment on the 4th April, talk it over with her. Then I will give it to the two months mark to review how I am, to discuss with people that know me.

Hopefully by then I'll have seen an improvement, have seen the benefits. If the benefits don't outweigh the costs... then I will ask to come off it. Not because it failed, but simply because the cost is too high. I said I would try this and invest in it and I will, but I will do it typically pragmatically and with a goal in mind. This is not *the* answer, its supposed to make it easier for me to move past where I am now. If it just stops life being enjoyable then its not for
me. The temptation is there just to hide away because its just so much effort to do anything at the moment.

At the moment I am feeling a bit in two minds about Thunder now. I really can't feel much so can't really see the point in it. I guess that fear I won't be able to feel the same way again, that that part of me is gone now before I really managed to explore it. The drive is gone, the desire to feel, to be hurt, to be touched, its just dead. There is time still, but thats something thats on my mind as it's something I was so looking forward to. Just another thing to record, to see where I was when I look back.

Some bright sparks though. My Owner, caring, affectionate, always there to hold me and want me no matter what. If I can make her day happier in anyway then its enough. Tracy, dear Tracy. Where would I be without you my friend? I am not quite sure how I was lucky enough to run into you (or brave enough to post that pic which dragged your attention ;-), but damn that bit of luck makes up for the bad ones. My ever patient friend Jolie, willing to listen to this pup ramble in circles and try and make sense of all the changes going on in his head.

The final one, a new gift to me. A new friend who I was lucky enough to get to know and then lucky enough to be around when she started DJing on an internet radio station again. She's reminded me how much music moves you, and how much passion you can find in listening to it even when you feel like nothing can get through to you. It's been a very precious gift. Thankyou.

Catchups

I am a few days behind on this, I've been struggling to get motivated. So a quick catchup as there are things I need to write down.



Monday, I got up early as I couldn't sleep, it had been another long and restless night. I was pretty tired out, spent a little time chatting before work with my Owner and she let me cum. I loved playing with her and giving her pleasure, but I have to admit I just didn't really feel anything for myself, it felt a very purely physical thing and kind of distant. The satisfaction for me was being able to be there with her and for her (which was pretty nice in its own way :).



This gave me a hint just how exhausted I was feeling after the weekend and the thought of trudging into work suddenly seemed something guaranteed to make me sick. I was tired, feeling a little dizzy and trembly and I know there is a cold waiting to get me. I don't know if those symptoms are side-effects, or tiredness or the cold, but it didn't really make much difference, so I called in sick and spent the day basically dozing and napping and other than that being curled in bed. I really needed it so I didn't feel guilty for once, it was just being smart. I also asked Ma`am if I could skip playing that night if I didn't feel up-to it, which shows you kind of how I was feeling... In the end I am glad I did as it was not something I was really interested in.



Tuesday was better, I felt tired still but not so exhausted. Still dizzy and off-balance, a little shaky but better. My head was muzzy so concentrating was a nightmare but it did end up clearing a little by 3pm. I felt up-to flirting a little and feeling a little friskier, but I still didn't take up the option of playing that night. I felt frisky but just no energy or desire to pursue it physically. Was nice to feel a little more myself though :). I did ask if I could dress up in a pretty pair of panties though and was allowed, that was nice enough for me to give me a content tired smile for the evening. I'm easily pleased :).



Today has been pretty much the same. Still on/off sleepless and struggling to go back to sleep but I was not feeling as "wired on" as I have been. I did have some tears overnight, thinking through some things and coming to negative conclusions. Its to be expected I know.



Last night I had a conversation with a friend which I found a little hard, almost accusatory, especially as I am still hurting over losing a friend last week when she decided I was to lightweight for her and had changed as I didn't "share things" with her any more. Last nights conversation was about the anti-depressants and why I was on them. Her opinion seemed to be very much I had been influenced by the American's I know as I hadn't needed them six months ago, and hadn't needed them when she was there all the time, so why did I suddenly need them now? I have a feeling her attitude is very much of a "people should help themselves" thing and she doesn't approve of drugs or any other "crutches".



I tried to explain that basically I have been like this for a long time and it runs in my family. That its been there, I just haven't been able to admit it, that only now could I really face up-to how I was. So now I needed some help to deal with it and move on. She said she was sorry she had never picked it up before, but that's ok, I wasn't really to face it before. I hope she meant that.



If I let myself, I could think that I've got worse, that needing this help now after all this time means I've just gone backwards and become more depressed and unable to cope, whereas I could before. I think that's what her thoughts led me to. It's not that though, it's the opposite. I've got to a point I can look at more, admit more, accept more and try and deal with more. That's why I need this help now, even if this ends up being a long term thing, its trying to face up-to more of what's been going on inside me.

Cinema, arguments and recoverys

Today was a pretty tough day in the end. I don't know if its because of lack of sleep, or if maybe it's just an early side-effect of the meds (or both) but I was just uptight from the moment I got up today. Just... edgy. Nervy and slightly agitated. Curled up with the boy and chatted, watched a few cartoons (he just SO loves super-hero cartoons now and sits chatting away about the different characters wanting to know what they can do and can't and what their weaknesses are) and then drove to the cinema to meet his mum.



She was happy to see him. As it was Mothers Day I paid for us all to see the latest version of Charlotte's Web. Its a really sweet film, so beautifully done, just sweet enough and Julia Roberts is a complete delight as the voice of Charlotte.



We all enjoyed the film, and I sat there making myself relax and forget the edgy feeling while I watched. When we left, I just wanted to get back home as quickly as possible and not linger on the goodbyes or anything and make myself more fragile. We got to the cars, I handed over his stuff and she asked if she had a card. Oh dear. Yesterday when we were in the shops, the boy point blank refused to buy a card as he had made them at school. He was NOT in a good mood yesterday and was pretty insistent that he already had her a card, so he didn't need another. I decided to listen to him.



So I told her, he had made her one from school, and she freaked. Freaked that we hadn't bought her a card. I think her exact comment as she stormed off to the car was that she would go and buy herself one then. So I got in my car and drove off, really not wanting to be involved. I think I could see her telling him off in their car as I left. Maybe I could have gone back, but past experience has shown me that removing myself from the situation is the best thing to defuse it as then she has to calm down.



So I drove off, and she kept ringing me. I assumed she was just being pissed off at me, so I ignored it as I was driving. Eventually, after about the 7th time, on both my cell phones I gave in and answered quickly and i'll admit a little angrily saying what, as I was driving. Her car had broke down. Joy. I wasn't about to go back and help, she was not exactly sounding happy, so I said of course she could use the breakdown cover I still paid to include her on, so I knew they would be alright. Feeling bad about the card, thinking I had so made the wrong decision about that as I wasn't thinking too rationally over the weekend. I drove home, ignoring a few more phonecalls and rang her when I got there.



The breakdown company had refused to deal with her as she started off by saying she didn't know the address I lived at as we were seperated. It seems that even though she is named on the breakdown cover document it only applies to "spouse at same address". Well, from telling me this she then started on saying she was an unfit mother, that I should come get the boy and take him away and have custody of him full time. Basically one of her normal "things are going wrong so I will start digging at myself" rants. I said no, I wasnt going to come get him, so she said she would take him to social services.



I lost it at this point. I was sitting in the car in the drive and just screamed at her to stop being such a fucking idiot and saying stupid things like that and didn't she realise I was going fucking nuts here and couldn't handle this sort of shit anymore. I was just shaking. I really felt too fragile to deal with that sort of thing. So I hung up. Went inside and tried to calm down. When I had got my breath back. I phoned her, she needed me to speak to them and say it was ok for her to use my policy. They phoned, were very apologetic about the situation and asked if it was ok. When I explained, they said that was fine this time as she would be off the policy next time.



After all that I was pretty washed out and fragile and feeling physically a little shakey, buzzing in an agitated way. It did not feel how I normally handle things, so I knew it was just something I had to wait out. Nothing to do about it but wait til it passed.



My Owner was online so I just said hi and curled up on the couch. Just sort of stared out the window and sat with her, really only looking up every now and then when she said something. Its probably what I needed, just some space with out any pressure to talk, or say anything, but just the quiet company there every now and again. So I sat there, speaking maybe every 10-20 mins, and just trying not to let it get to me. A very weird feeling. After she went to bed I just watched some tv, til I texted the ex to make sure she was ok. She phoned back a little after that to apologise. She said she hadn't realised the boy had made her a card at school and it was lovely, and she was so pleased with it and really was fine he hadn't bought a card too. I guess she hadn't listened. I apologised too for losing it so badly with her and she said that was fine, she hadn't realised how bad I was feeling but then she could kind of remember how she felt in the same situation.



I was glad I got the chance to apologise and to know there were no bad feelings. I am also pretty glad I was proved right into NOT pressuring the boy to buy a card yesterday. I know at the time he was so insistent about it I thought it would be belittling him and what he made if I made him buy a card too. Basically telling him the one he had made wasn't good enough. I know I've not been feeling exactly rational this weekend so it was really good to know I'd still made the right decisions. It's also good to know that on a bad day I can do whats needed to get through without falling too much to pieces or being totally reliant on others.



Now its time for bed and I feel a lot calmer, more like myself again and nicely sleepy so hope I get a better nights rest.

Can't think of a title

That was a very very long pretty sleepless night, to the point I am already dreading going to bed tonight.



I am a little more awake now though, just still feeling pretty dead from being weary. It's mother's day so we are going to go take his Mum to the movies as a treat and then he wants to go back to hers early so he can spoil her for the rest of the day.

Another night

My blogs are going to get very (even more) boring as I start to record how I feel,
for future reference. I always get lost at the doctors when they say,
how long has this gone on for, how unsettled is it, how did you feel...
Time just slips together and I can't quantify it.



Another not great night of sleeping. No nausea this time though, so that was good. Just my brain feels wired awake. I am tired. Really tired, but my brain is on. Not racing thoughts on, just... very awake. Weary but not sleepy. I went to bed about 10.30pm, awake at 1am, up at 2am. Back to bed gone 3am. Doze. Awake by 6am.



So thats Wed, Thurs and Fri nights pretty bad. Grrr. Tired. Apart from that I am pretty good, a little zombied from being tired and just drinking a lot more water as I've a definite case of cotton-mouth all the time which I know is normal. Just don't get in between me and the loo when I need it, with all this water!

Ending weeks

Yaay the week is over.



We received our bonuses and payrise letters this week and I am pretty happy with both. It will pay for Colorado and Ohio anyway :). The best bit was a handwritten line from the Ops Director saying thanks for the oustanding contribution. That meant more than the money to me (but I am not saying no!!)



I spoke to the ex, told her about it and we talked about it. She said she didn't want any of it, but i know how much she is entitled to as part of the child support. In the end she said she would be really happy with 10% would be fine, which was cool as it what I was kind of hoping, and she appreciated it as it would help with the car insurance and a few other things that are coming up. I'm happy with that, I know I've done the honourable thing so I am happy with myself.



A good friend had a rough day yesterday, we talked about it last night and she decided what she needed to do. She told me today she called her boss and then sat with him, apologised for getting upset and talked it through. I am so proud of her and how far she's come. She said as she sat there, she just heard my voice in her head telling her to be calm, deal with it, just apologise and move on. That really made me feel good, that I had had such a positive effect.



Oh



and since the bonus came through, tonight I registered for Thunder in the Mountains, so I am definitely definitely definitely going :)

Point in time

I've decided to post the list of things I gave to the doctor of what was bothering me. That way I have a point in time of how I felt before I started on this medication and can look back at it in a few months and tick off which ones feel better/worse/no different. Yes, I know, this is my work background coming out and coming up with measurable indicators. It helps though, as so much is objective and I tend to find it difficult to imagine how I was at any other point in my life.



This list of course comes from one of the harder times, so it is fairly negative, and I know this isn't a true reflection of me, its very one sided. They are all part of me though and contains things I want to change and be able to cross off.





Bad things -



Seem to get more and more worked up so thoughts just spin and won’t settle, then cycle faster and faster between up and down to within hours til I don’t know whether I am coming or going. It just creeps and builds up over time.



It gets debilitating and paralysing to the point I end up just doing nothing as I can’t make decisions.



Get very tired all the time. Find it hard to concentrate when I am going through those cycles, memory is just shot. Even following lists of things to do gets hard. Forget what I am going to put on them.



Afterwards, when I’ve been very down, tend to get very hyper then worn out to the point of complete exhaustion.



Has really been going on since I was a late teenager, but always just think it wasn’t that bad really after. Hard to tell if its got worse or better as it’s something I put out of my mind.



It feels like a dream or someone else. Works up to a really bad point and then seems to break, after bad nights being vicious at myself in the middle of the night. It kind of builds upto this.



When I am down everything seems completely hopeless and pointless. Its really just an existence getting by just because I have to be there for the boy. Feel very closed off, paranoid, anxious.



Have to sometimes make myself not do things which I used to do, checking the door’s locked repeatedly. and cooker is off. Sometimes do give in and walk back when I am walking to the station.and have gone up the street. Have gone home once from work as I was so worried about it, or driven back from halfway from returning the boy.



Little appetite.



Tend to rationalise it afterwards but find it kicks the fight out of me, so I withdraw.



Anxiety - Getting very down - Not sleeping, feeding each other in a vicious circle.



Anxious in social groups or unknown situations and large groups and tend to avoid them.





Good things -



I love the weekends with my son, even if we don't do anything, just sharing the time.



I'm pleased with how I've sorted out arrangements with my ex-to-be, how amicable we are.



I'm proud of how I handled, in the end, the separation.



I'm getting better at being able to be around people and not hiding, even if its exhausting.



I'm well respected at work and highly spoken of.



I'm for the first time in my life comfortable with my body.



I do face upto the bad times more and try and deal with things, not run and hide.



I have a wonderful Owner whom I adore and who adores me, who saw so much in me when I didn't, and still see's more.

More ramblings

I think I'm slowly processing what was said and everything and what all this means. Its a good thing. I just remembered another thing she said, which I wanted to write down for me, so I remembered it.



She said lifestyle choices can help. Simple things.



Exercise

Fresh air

Not skipping meals

Regular bed times

Avoid too much caffeine and alcohol



Well, I walkabout 3 miles a day to and from work, which tends to be fairly fresh air :). I don't skip meals anymore, even if I have low appetite. I always eat something. I try to get to bed at a reasonable regular time, because I get up so early.

I don't drink really, and I only have caffeine in the mornings. So I was pretty pleased that between us we had basically covered off all the practical things we could have done. That was a nice feeling, being able to say that to her and show I had tried.



The only thing that had started to make me a little nervous is a few people have commented why I was not given something to directly treat the anxiety rather than just depression. I've done some reading, spoke to a few people and there are mixed comments about Celexa/Cipramil/Citalopram helping anxiety. Comments were made about Lixapro/Cipralex being a combined treatment.



Well, I don't know. I guess its something I didn't know to ask about before. I just knew whens he said prozac could make anxiety worse, I said ummm no I really dont need that. So I will ask when I go back in 3 weeks, just ask why one against the other and see what she says. At least now I know this might be something I need to watch out for and have the informed question.



So I really appreciate people asking me that question!



Apart from that just tired, woke at 1am feeling sick and havent really got back to sleep. Time for work now, thank heaven its Friday!

Ramblings

Looking back at the doctors visit there were a few things I forgot to say. Considering how bad my memory is at the moment, I have no idea if I will actually remember them now.



I know I was pretty pleased with the outcome, as it was progress, and a new step. She also recommended two books to get which she said might help, so I will look at those when my bonus comes in. So it gave me hope, as its a change, its a plan for moving forward. The medication, the thought of maybe more counselling or the psychotherapy. Its an action plan of possible steps forward if I need them. That makes me feel better. Time to let these settle, as I know it takes awhile, then think about making some goals for the future.



While I was at the doctor I asked about how you go about getting checked for STD's. I mean, I've only ever even kissed one woman, my ex, let along slept with them... but I do know I wasn't her first. It'd be nice just to kind of draw a line under it all so the future is the future. The doctor said in a guy it was very unlikely after all that time you would be a carrier without knowing, but she applauded my responsible attitude. You just wouldnt want that on your head, bringing anything from the past to someone else. In fact she said I should try being a little more irresponsible.



Other than that, today my Owner made another interesting tweak in my life. After having me dressed in ribbons today which I can tell you just *hurt* so nicely all day, we were talking just before lunch and she told me I'd start having salads for lunch. Just like that, no fuss, no drama just, ok from now on you'll do this. I love it when she is like this, just c onfidence, just, this is the right thing for us, this will help make my puppy better for me so it will happen. I want this. Its nothing extreme, just a shift in the balance of my diet so I get my necessary greens and stuff, and of course I can have meat and dressings with it, or it in sandwiches and wraps mainly, just an... make that a focus on your diet rather than something you ask them not to put on ;-). A simple shift I will have to remember every day, to make me more disciplined, and to remind me of her.



Shall we say I was feeling incredibly submissive after. Totally owned and completely her property.



Well, its now 2.15am and I am going to try to go back to bed. I woke up a little over an hour ago feeling kind of sick and couldnt sleep so thought I'd get up for a bit and write, see if that helped.

The appointment

So I went to the doctors.

She was pretty nice, I knew when I got there I would be very nervous (and I was) and would just forget what I wanted to say, or get tongue tied or defensive, so I had printed out the blog from Sunday and made a list of things that bothered me, such as the anxiety, how the depression came out, the confusion, fatigue, lack of concentration, etc.



She asked how she could help, I said well I had got very down for quite some time but it was easier to explain if I showed her something from the time, as otherwise I tended to detach from it. So she sat and read the blog, and asked a few questions as she went (like what omg was). She said she had never had someone hand over a blog before... I like to be different. I find it easier to write though than talk.



So she asked about the boy, she asked about my marriage breakup, how it had ended, how custody was settled, etc. We talked about that and she said it gave her background. The blog gave us a discussion point which was just great, it was a place to start from. She started by saying i was obviously psychoanalytical... by the end she said I was very very psychoanalytical and had spent a lot of time thinking and analysing myself and understood myself pretty well. She picked up on quite a fwe things. The mood changes, the hopelessness, the fact I knew what I wanted to do but was being held back by it. The fact I wasnt looking for answers, just something to help me be able to start to enjoy life. She also was pleasently pleased with my comments about the fatigue, sleeplessness, anxiety and downness feeding each other in a circle.



She then read the list of symptoms and laughed, but in a nice way. She said if you gave that list to anyone that suffered depression then they would just sit there going yes, got that, and that and that... I had to do a quick 8 question questionaire, grading how frequently I had had the symptoms the last few weeks, hopelessness, sleep problems, lack of concentration, etc. She said I scored pretty highly on that two, and basically all three things said I suffered with depression and had down for a long time, probably all my adult life, if not longer. She asked if I felt detached afterwards, and I said oh big yes.



She asked if i had thought about what this might mean, and i said no, with the past bad experiences with doctors and my ex it was just a struggle to get to a Doctor.



It basically came down to three things she could offer.



1) counselling, they have a therapist there but the waiting list is 4 months, private obviously is quicker but cheaper, and it might help as i had issues to deal with like low-self-esteem, but maybe in the future as it had helped before but I sounded like I probably needed some stability now to get something to work with.

2) anti-depressents

3) there was a self-referral psychotherapy thing in Oxford, a group thing, but i might find that hard being a little socially anxious, but it was an option for later.



We talked about the anti-depressents and my ex's experience on them, her two preferences were prozac and cipramil, she said the ex's sleepiness with prozac was unusual... but if i didnt fancy it then a different one was fine, she had a list she was happy to prescribe and if I had a preference then that was fine and I could choose. She then said the only problem with prozac in her experience was it wasnt good if you got anxious. I said as anxiety was all over what i had written , so i said maybe we should give that a miss... So we settled on cipramil (Celexa in the USA).



She gave a little spiel about anti-depressents, I knew a lot because I had heavily researched it before, with the ex. So I knew this one, and them in general. She didnt at all go into what they were for, the effects they have, the way they are supposed to work, or what to expect... So I am glad I knew, it must be hard for people going in cold.



I mean, a Doctor listens to you talk for 10mins, nods and smiles from a few foot away and then offers you counselling or anti-depressents and you are supposed to decide?



I said yes, I know its a long term thing, but I am willing to invest in it, and to try... to start enjoying life. I said I felt better just knowing I was trying to do something.



So.



I have a prescription, will try and get it tomorrow. Back to see her in three weeks time so she can see how its going. I think the only concerns I have are the possible weight gain and loss of libido. I've kinda only just started to enjoy my sexuality, and would hate for it to be too adversely affected.




I am tired now, I was pretty stressed all day. Collecting the blog and making that list of things was a necessary distraction and also pretty useful, as it did give a really good indication of the place I get to. She put a copy of it in my records for the future.



Thanks everyone for the support, it has been amazing. This is just a step, a small step. If it helps even out my moods, then the real hard work begins.

Restraints and other things

I've been looking at restraints and stuff seriously for the first time. One of the lovely thing about this world of ours is there are so many fun things to explore, and quite a few you can explore in the privacy of your own home even though there's no one else to give you a physical hand. The little mental push is all it takes. Its like being a kid in a toy shop. Well I guess it is a toy shop, just a very different kind of one, but it does make you all excited and wonder where to start and want to flit to a little of this and a little of that.



My Owner seems to get a kick with the fact I have a serious ScarlettRose fetish. I don't deny it, if she pushes me in a lil direction it opens up whole worlds of possibilities, even for things which I've looked at before and really not understood the attraction. I think its a mixture of things, part the fact its for her (which brings in the whole power-exchange, knowing I am pleasing her, and the fact I just adore her to pieces as well as lust terribly). Part the fact, when she directs me in those ways it makes me think about things differently, in a much more positive and inquiring way, much more open and receptive. Once she has nudged me in a direction and something clicks inside I seem to then be happy to scamper forward and explore and find where it fits with me, as well as (of course) be happy that she twists that in exactly the way she wants.



The lovely person making my leather corset replied last night with my concerns about the corset fitting. There isn't all the boning in the fitting so the zip will look crooked, so thats all fine. They understood what I wanted in the slight reshaping of the top, to make it more delicate, but to keep that SO beautiful back shape. Oh and a little higher too. One thing I found with the fitting, which I didn't expect (but is kind of obvious) is it stops me slouching, so the measurements from waist to breast bone were a little on the low side. I am really relieved about this, I've kind of been fretting about it as its something that means a lot to me. I want this to look SO perfect for her, as I know this is something I'll be seen out in. Its kind of part of my wardrobe for her. I wanted to get it just right so I've nervously been trying to get it to exactly right every few nights and then tried to make sure I know what I really wanted. She had given me advice (which was great and basically agreed with me), but I had to interpret that. I am glad I spent the time to be really happy though, and hope she isn't too disappointed its taken this long (it was my choice to delay it, not because of the brilliant person making it). Its a big purchase in every sense.



But, back to the subject, I'm ordering a lovely set of wrist and ankle cuffs from the artist that is Jack (www.jacksfloggers.co.uk), as well as a spreader bar. I bought my coyote tail from him what seems like an age ago, so its a pleasure to go back to him for something else. I really love his work. They will be in the gold colour which is a little unusual, but they will match my collar just perfectly, and you know me... everything has to be nice and perdy and matching. It's pretty cool and there are loads of possibilities. I did dither and faff around between the 'D' ring and trigger clip ones, and changed my mind at least twice but have settled for the triggers as they will be practical. Maybe one day I can get the 'D' ring ones in the black leather too... Mmmmm toys :). Such a toy slut!



I do have an exhibitionist streak you could drive a bus through. This was a big surprise to me since I was so shy and so down on my body originally. I am much more comfortable about that and really love how pics look and trying to make the best out of them. Its hard with self-photography, and I had a wild set of bad thoughts on the train. Ma`am talked about me being her little bondage model and that gave me such a thrill. I was thinking just how much fun it would be to have someone that could enjoy making photo's with me in interesting positions and prediciments. Hmmm maybe I should ask her if I can add that to my advert. Not to be topped but just to make some pretty poses.



Yes, I know, I'm displacing to stop myself thinking about this evening. So sue me.

and yes...

...I do feel sick nervous in my stomach about going to the doctors.

Gardening, consequences and other tails

Tonights been a quiet night.



I managed to get into the garden when I got home. Carry on doing some tidying after the wet winter and bringing it back into shape. The joys of scraping moss off the brick paths at the moment. I got about half way round before it got too dark to see. It was nice to get out and do some physical and then be able to look back and see the difference. Yup, I still thrive on a sense of achievement.



Beyond that, catch up with a good friend who has been poorly but it is so good to see her back again. Tease the hell out of Cuzi (but no night would be right without that). Oh and have part 2 of the discussion with the friend last night. Well, now apparently ex friend.



I am not going to comment or even think about it. If people decide they don't think my friendship is worthwhile now, so be it. I am not going to argue with them. I am what I am and if what I have to offer isn't for them, I am not going to be anything different. I can't be.



Only thing left to say is just quite how wonderful my Owner is and how much I thank her for how she deals with me, teaches me, encourages me and looks after me. She taught me a lesson with the essay I had to write this morning and then just put it behind her. Thats the mark of a great great woman, a forgiving one, an understanding one, and a very self-controlled one. See why I like her so much?



Oh and she's SO cute too.

Disobedience

Where to start.



I screwed up last night and now I have to write about it. To try and learn from my mistake to make sure it doesn't happen again.



Monday nights are one of my two play nights. I know what I am supposed to do, its been long enough. I know how its suposed to be. I mean it may have changed subtly over time, built up what can and can't be, but I know. So there are no excuses for not doing it except being lazy and having a lack of self-control.



Last night I got home from work. I had put her to bed while I was on the train. That was a pleasure, as always, just to hear her getting sleepier as her words get further apart til the final "goodnight pet". When I was at home I had chatted briefly with a friend going through a hard time and then went out in the garden to continue tidying up. I came in about 7pm, when it got dark. I'd planned last night to make the cock mould I was supposed to be making, so I found some bottles to fill up with water to let it cool down to room temperature. This is supposedly a crucial part of the process. I sat down and chatted for awhile with a friend, a very dear dear friend and we talked through my blog and the fear I had had when I was writing it. She is a dear friend of my Owner and so she could feel the fear in the start. That was nice, her company is always welcome and frankly left me aroused. So, I decided to see if I could get "hard" enough to make the cock mould worthwhile. When I get an erection I know that the level of arousal and tiredness and everything else makes a difference between just quite how hard and big I get. For the mould I wanted it to be really good and to know that I could keep it like that for the time needed. I know there is a fair chunk on my mind so I thought I would see. So I stroked myself and it was, of course, lovely. I thought to myself I'll just do this a little to see, then go check the water was ok, I had dinner to finish and make and then i could go play properly. I was pretty wet as well, it felt lovely and I admit I love the feel of it. I loved it too much. I shouldn't have touched at all. I definitely shouldnt have been enjoying it like that, without the Aneros in or my collar on.



A friend popped up and we said hi a little and then she completely pissed me off. I'd asked about her day and she told me, it was pretty bad and then she asked how I was holding up. I said I was ok, just watching tv and stuff. So she "well I care about ya know, in case ya forgot". This just made me flip. Such biting sarcasm. She said she felt me shutting her out, that she had asked yesterday what was up and I'd just said this and that (I had spent the morning pouring my heart out to my Owner and then the evening writing for two hours and been left completely numb). She said I wanted to know about her but wasn't telling her anything about me.



Everything about me I write here, or I give to my Owner. I am sorry but, I have to live in my head at times, I don't want to have to keep reliving it. I am so grateful for the support people offer me and friendship, but I don't want to feel like some case that has to disclose how they are feeling all the time to everyone, sometimes I just want to live, just to be with friends and to care about them. I have to live in my head long enough as it is. I want the space to know I can come to friends if I need them, and they give me that open armed acceptence. I don't want to feel pestered into telling them things that need to be said. So I flipped at her and said I had to live in my frigging head and was surviving as best as I could.



She said it was ok to share. I said I have nothing left to share. So she told me of course I do.



Damn patronisation. Telling me what I did or didn't have. As if its not confusing enough as it is? As if its not hard enough to try and work out whats going on in my head, whats real, whats imagined, what I want, what I need? As if I don't have enough self-doubt as it is? I am sorry, I really don't need that.



So I lost it, and then she asked if I had made an appointment with the doctors. I know she was being well meaning and trying to calm the waters, but it just had the opposite effect for me. I just felt pushed, pushed to give more, to say more on something thats there in my head anyway and worrying me. So I said, said goodnight to her and left.



I was shaking.



I walked around a little, looked at the time, I hadn't eaten still yet and it was getting late. So I started to play again, to get hard, to stroke, and it felt lovely again. I got so carried away in it, pushing to the edge I just didn't think. Thats it really, I didn't think. Obedience is so much about thinking and self-control and I had neither of those. I leaked, I just sat there lost in it and forgot everything and pushed myself too far and went over the edge. I sat there after licking up my cum as I'm supposed to and had wordless "oh no what did you just do" to myself. I sat for a few minutes just feeling cold. The first thing I saw was my collar sitting on the table, with the little tag saying "owned by ScarlettRose" facing me accusingly and I felt so bad. Not beating myself up bad, I know thats wrong. Its tempting, but its also too easy. Thats just not admitting what I did or facing it. This was just the disappointment in myself and knowing how disappointed she would be feeling.



So I wrote her an email immediately, telling her what I had done. No excuses, just that it was wrong and I was sorry.



I sat for a bit, feeling cold and numb. It was getting a little late then, I hadn't eaten yet so I went and cooked. I wasn't hungry, I really felt like just going to bed, but I hadn't eaten and I wasn't going to make things worse by blowing everything else I had promised to do. It was very tempting just to go to bed and try and sleep, to go "you've screwed it up" and just blow it completely, but I didn't want to. Two wrongs do not make a write and I didn't want to do that. So I made myself eat. I answered a few blog comments as best I could. People put real effort into reaching out to me and they deserved to be thanked and answered. I am sorry if the replies were a little cold, I am truly appreciative that you opened yourselves for me, it is just so touching. I just wasn't in a great place to gush, but believe me, the sentiment is there behind it and people do amaze me. But I did want to say thankyou and show how much they were appreciated.



A friend popped up online and offered me a playful scritch behind the ears. I declined politely as i knew I didn't deserve it, and that I would be in limbo til I saw Ma`am again. It was hard to pull away and not pretend all was ok, but that would have been wrong. This friend is a good woman and she understood, and understood my reasons behind it and didn't take it as a rejection. I am pretty lucky.



Then my memo's. I was going to answer them last night but that was definitely not right. It was about 10.30pm by then, and I decided they should wait. I wasn't in the right place to be chatting with others, I was in the waiting place and reflecting.



So now, its just before 6am. I slept unsettled, pretty much as usual but gave up just after 5am to face the consequences. She wanted me to write this, to explain my thoughts and feelings and I hope I have been as honest and complete as I can. There is no excuse, it was just laziness and lack of self-control.



I know one thing though, I never ever want to touch myself again without my collar on unless she directly orders me to.

Making appointments

I'm feeling kind of weird today. A little numb, almost like my heads wrapped up in cotton wool and its hard to think and feel. Things feel a little detached and remote. I actually got very light-headed while walking round town after doing some stuff at the bank so grabbed a bite to eat and came back to eat it. Feeling less light-headed now, but still befuzzled.



I have rung the doctors though and made an appointment. Wed at 5pm. They said as I was making a first appointment about depression it would be a double slot. Now it kind of feels a bit of a dream how I was feeling yesterday, so I think I need to write down some stuff and be prepared with what I want to say.

Cats

The ex phoned last night. The new cat she has is an older, rescued, cat and was in a cat accident several years ago. Hip and jaw. The original foster lady had said they would help cover costs in those two places of any problems (as she won't get insurance covering that) but now the cat sanctuary have said they won't and she shouldn't have said that. So the ex phoned.



What could I do? I couldn't tell her that she should take the cat back, not now the boy had played with him for a bit. I could tell she was worried though as there is no way she could meet the costs. I couldn't break the boys heart, so I said I'd cover the costs if anything happens. Its unlikely to, but it gives her reassurance so they can enjoy the pet. I did say though, if anything did happen at the cat's age then it may well be likely that he might have to be put down to stop his suffering and she said she understood. I said I'd talk to the boy next weekend, just casually about it. Just put that background idea in his head that the cat is not a young one and what they are doing is giving him a good home for the rest of his life. I'm better than her at those little guiding conversations, making them light and positive rather than scaring the life out of him. I could say nothing but, I think its important he see's this as a positive thing and what they are doing for the cat, so that if one day he has to look back in sadness, he can have that little lift.



Yes, I know, I went from being jealous of the damned cat to offering to pay for it. I am soft :P.

Deep breath now

I found that hard to write, and I am not totally happy with it and I feel totally emotionally and physically spent, as well as very icky, itchy and vulnerable now.



I am glad I wrote it and I know that those that know me know its not the whole of me. I can be loving and kind, happy and silly, quite quite nuts in different ways even when that pressure and anxiety is there in the background. Now I want a little help not to have to live with that so much. Not to treat it as the normal.

Darkness, fears, depression

I had a very hard conversation with ScarlettRose this morning. Probably one that was overdue but, I guess everything has its time. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to say the opening words to something, that I need to seize an opportunity as otherwise something screams silently at the back of my mind. I also find that many bad things just dissipate and you think did I really think that, did I really feel like that? It becomes like a bad dream and you think nah, it wasn't like that. Its only in the moment can you really capture it.

It's pretty hard to write this now too, my instinctive reaction is to clamp down on things, well its even more than instinctive, its kind of automatic and I build a wall between me and others and much as I want to, I just can't talk. Thats pretty frustrating to say the least... There is also that fear, how will people react? Hell, I know how I think about the inside of my own head at times. If you show those deepest darkest moments how will people see you? Will they go "omg" and run off scared. Will they carefully keep you at arms length in a box marked "fragile" and humour you? Will they watch, over cautious about what they say just in case you react badly? Will they treat you differently? Will they just not know what to say? Will you spoil their day? Will they go, oh no not again, aren't you over that by now? Will they get tired of you or see you as over-needy?

Will you, in fact, spoil something wonderful.

I had a bad night sleeping, I was pretty tired as it was from waking up early from the previous night, so by 9pm I was shattered. I actually fell asleep next to the boy and then went into the other room about midnight after he had kicked the hell out of me. Then about 1.30am awake and unable to sleep and having a rough time, one of my darker moments when all the things I try and keep a lid on normally come out. Maybe its not such a bad thing, I get into the habit of telling myself I'm ok that you begin to think how you feel is normal. These times when you just can't keep a lid on it are frankly, hell, but they remind you that something needs to change and this isn't how things should be. They were the thoughts of the worst, of the running away from her, of asking for release. Thoughts of much worse, the ones that have plagued me from a teenager, of running away from everything. Step by step thoughts of what I would do, to just stop the hurting inside, without impacting anyone, without hurting others. Thoughts that there really is no hope and this is how I am, that there can be no change as its just me. Thoughts I use to hurt myself. Not things I would intend to do, never could do. But things my mind uses to stab at itself, to dig, to cut. To hurt myself. To punish myself for being me. To make myself feel something. To deaden myself. Old bad depths.

I've hinted, suggested, what I do in my head sometimes but never said. Never been in that moment I was still there on the edge of one mood and into another. So I grabbed it and spilled. My darkest secret thoughts which I had held back from her. I was so scared, scared of the look in her face, the realisation of "oh no, this is how he is". The kid gloves being put on. That she would misunderstand and think this was how I really felt rather than what it is, a darkness which drags me down and I try try try to fight against. That she would fear I really would be capable of the things I think at times. That I really wanted to die, rather than it being a desperate thought of running away. But, I didn't want to be alone in fighting this battle anymore, I didn't want to hold back and fear the reaction. I promised everything and that means everything.

I do get very depressed at times, its not a nice thing to admit. I go through cycles of ups and downs and sometimes they seem to start coming so fast my head spins and I don't know where I am. Thats kind of how I am at the moment and my head is whirling. Its insidious, it's debilitating. I get to the point I don't even know what I am thinking. I become paralysed by it, I start to get anxious, over nervous, jittery. Whats bothering me? Thats the bitch of it, I just dont know. I dont even know if there is something wrong. I am not sleeping well, that makes me tired, that makes me more prone to it, but then being down makes me more prone to being anxious, which makes me stressed, which makes me sleep badly which makes... They all feel like vicious circles at the moment each feeding the other. I know I have had bad mood swings from up and down since I was about 18. Well thats when I remember them from, when they got bad. Sometimes it goes... sometimes it gets worse. Is it just me? I used to think so, that I should just be able to handle things and what was wrong with me. That is kind of half my life though.

I know certain things haven't helped. I am not making excuses here, we are all in charge of ourselves... but I kinda know why I am like I am. In fact I am pretty self-aware and know why I am where I am now in a lot of ways, but that doesn't really help stop you doing it and change it. As a kid I had an awkward tummy condition that meant my bowels were on a completely different schedule to everyone elses... Like every couple of weeks. This led to high irritability, being poorly a lot as that built up inside and I guess slowly poisoned me. So, I had to have medicine a couple of times a day to help ease the pain and try and make me more regular. This led to unfortunate accidents at times as well as not being able to have lunch at school as I had to go home. Also unpleasent things, having to have my tummy washed out in hospital. Being a 10 year old being held down by your mum as she had to administer suppositories and you screamed at her in agony.

I grew out of it (thankfully), but I know it left me with that feeling of being different. Of being seperate from others. I also remember being constantly told as a kid that I had to keep it a secret. The emphasis always on being a secret. To protect me, of course, as kids can be so cruel. But keep things secret. Keep that distance. Keep apart. So thats where I am still. Seperate. Feeling different. Add onto that my marriage, where we both had our issues and it unfortunately ended up with her anger problems leading to emotional and physical abuse. So years where your most loved one tells you how boring you are, how shit you are, how much they hate you touching them. The physical hurts don't hurt or linger as much. Especially when you were used to saying those things to you anyway. Maybe thats part of the reason I stayed so long, I was ready to believe it.

I cycle through depression, the highs and lows. In the lows I think thats its. In the highs I wonder how I could possibly consider that... everything is possible. I've blogged for a fair time now, since last August and its helped get some of those thoughts out, but still my head spins and the thoughts run too fast. The counselling helped before, especially sorting out some of the things going on at the time. I don't want to keep like this though. I know I am capable of more. Not just because Mistress believes in me. Thats... an anchor, but thats not the only reason. I am respected at work. I have the most adorable son. There are some special people that seem to see more in me.

I hate the fact this part of me overwhelms me and drags me down. Stops me being what I can be. I hate the fact that admitting this part of me is there might make people think i am unstable and so make it harder to keep exploring all those fun things which are possible now.

At times I can't see that I've changed at all since I remember this first was there. Last night, in the middle of the night I couldnt see the difference between me then, back as a teenager and me now. Thats an insidious lie though and I won't believe it, I can't believe it. I must have changed since then, I've done things... I know I am no way near as angry as I was back then, or even when I was at married. I no longer blame others for my frustrations, ok so maybe I still take them out on myself but I don't flare up at others. I'm comfortable with my body. Things have changed even though it can be so very hard to believe it. I am not just going through the same thing over and over.

I want more. I don't want answers though, I don't want solutions, I just want the space in my head to stop going up and down and feeling so out of control at times, so that I can get on with trying to find the things I enjoy in living, to be what I can be capable of. To not get paralysed by it and swamped. So tomorrow I am going to make an appointment with the doctor and see what they say. This scares me, what if they don't understand? What if I do my normal logical rationalisation? I think I am at the point I know I can do things, but my mood swings and changes just paralyse me. I am kind of ready to accept that if they suggest anti-depressents this isn't a bad thing or a weakness but just a chance to give myself a better chance of starting from an even keel since I *know* what I need to do, thats to live, its just being swamped by everything else as I sink into the depths of hopelessness.

I am scared though. All change is risk of failure or rejection, but again, the only way to lose is to stay still.

Work vs meetings

Yesterday at work was one of those days when you kind of wonder what the point is, except as an exercise in spending money. I was in meetings from 9-12. Came back from lunch to find another meeting had been put in from 2-3, so had to rush and prepare for that. Then a final very political meeting from 3-4. By the time I had got through those I was pretty frustrated that I hadn't actually got any work done that day (but had more actions from each of those meetings). The only time I really did anything was from 7.30am when I got into work, before we had coffee.



I was hurting too, I don't know if I've slept badly on my shoulder or maybe its because I've been on call for a bit and so carry my laptop every day, but my right shoulder hurts. It was even painful to look down when I had breakfast yesterday. Fortunately its a lot better today, but I was of a mind... It was getting late, was I going to drive to cooking and make it worse (driving makes my back play up when its hurting), plus it was fish pie... and I really don't like fish - even the smell of it makes me feel queesy most times.



So I decided to work late, get some of the things done I hadn't and at least feel I had achieved something. By the time I left gone 7pm I had caught up on all the emails of the day and managed to get my Inbox down from about 250 to 78 emails that I really needed to do something about pretty soon. That actually felt like an achieving day bizarrely, which is something I need, to feel that I've actually done something for the day.

Shopping slut (II)

As I said, I'm a shopping slut. Last week I went on an ebay spree to buy a few little things. A nice black thong and suspender set. Another pair of fishnets. Ohhhh and then another pair of fishnets with PVC holdups. They've slowly arrived this week and they are all yummy. Different in each of their ways, but lovely. The fishnet and thong and suspenders so pretty. The PVC holdups just SO slutty and tarty. Its the first time I've worn anything with PVC in and I admit, it feels lovely against the skin and looks amazing. MMMmmmmm big MMmmm and window shopping coming. I wasn't sure i'd like them, but I do.



I was tired then as I had worked over night, and my Owner and I had been talking and she said it would be a good idea if I went shopping properly. Its something I've thought of and shied away from, glanced over at that section when I've been in clothes shops and been too shy. But she said.... today, go do it. The white suspenders or red panties. So, I went to the store. Looked at stuff for me and for the boy. Picked out a t-shirt, some new socks, and wandered over to the lingerie section. I could feel my face burning, but I don't know if it really was. I just kind of micro-focused on looking to see what they had. I had a rough idea what size I was so wasnt sure so looked at a few things. I was doing ok til some women came over and looked, and then I think I went a little hot again. Then though, then a strange thing happened. I chose the first thing I liked, and I relaxed. I found a beautiful red pair of short panties and put those in my basket and then, once I had decided the size I just relaxed. I enjoyed looking and choosing and it felt good. It was odd, but nice. I think I crossed a bridge of it just being... something I like, so why stress too much. I even chatted a little with the shop assistant, with her broken english.



To think... was it a year and a bit ago I had to be even dragged onto b.com so nervously. Kind of a bit of a change.

Shopping slut (I)

I am a shopping slut. Terrible to admit isn't it. But there it is.



The slut-it-tude this week was joining a grocery delivery service. They sell organic fruit, veg and meat, etc. Deliver once a week, or less frequently. You subscribe to a given box size, for the amount you want. I've gone for the smallest. They choose 4 types of veg, 3 types of fruit and potatoes. It varies each week what you get, it varies with seasons, so you get a variety, try new things. You can also say things you dislike so they won't include it.



I thought this was so cool, as I am lazy about choosing things so this will make me think how I am going to use them, and its convenient too. So I get my first little box next week with some nice fresh bread and milk to go with it.



Mmmmmmmmm

Friday

It's Friday. Friday. Friday. I love the sound of that word. MMmmmm Friday.



Why does Friday sound so nice? Well of course its the last day of the working week, so the frustrations of work are almost behind me for a weekend. Time to step back for a day or two before battle resumes.



Tomorrow I have the boy again, a lovely two days, well, day and a half to talk, play and just enjoy his company. It's not even like we do that much together, its just we are that... together. I might be puttering around the house, doing chores, talking to him from another room, or sitting cuddling him. But he is there, and we are together. It's just... Well. Tomorrow I have him again.



It's a little bit closer before the landlady comes back from a week, I know it'll be an adjustment, we haven't seen each other for 6 months and there will be our trying to find our places with each other, but we have little time so we can't waste it this time, and must catch up quickly. End of this month we will go to Amsterdam for a long weekend, and she'll show me around the places she lived. That should be a lot of fun.



We are told we should get told about our payrises next week! yaaaay!!!



Oh and its Friday so I get to cum. God I love that word now. Cum. I get to use my aneros and sit and clench and work out all the frustrations in my body and then finally, finally when I think I will just die. Cum. Straining, muscles hurting til release. My restriction means I can only touch on Mondays and Fridays. Its nearly Friday. My balls are heavy, aching, so aware of them if I sit down, or kneel, or bring my thighs together. So aware of the ache behind them inside, where it twitches. Where it aches with need. That little involuntary spasm. The way it drags my mind down there. Inexoribly. The way the littlest comment, the littlest suggestion makes my cock semi-hard and leaves that little tell-tale cold spot where I know I've just leaked... That discomfort, that growing building discomfort just behind my belly, just there where it feels the pressure builds up and starts to just hurt, hurt so that you think on it more, which makes it hurt just more. It's Friday so my mind is full of depraved thoughts, fantasies, desires... wild and rushing around, its no longer arousal its lust, its need, its not even pleasure, its need for release. It hurts. It hurts in that so beautiful way that makes you want to be hurt more. To have such terrible things done to you just because she'll laugh that bright little laugh.. then purr and you'll just moan and love it and want more. To have that hurt inside playing against your body and for it to feel so good. For sensation. It's friday so thinking of anything else is an effort. It's that a physical conscious effort to think of other things, to keep conversations from having a flirting, teasing edge, knowing that in the end I am just tormenting myself.



Thank goodness its Friday.



Ohhh and then I have to wait for Monday...

Jealous for once

It's not really like me to be jealous. I tend to get a lot of pleasure out of people being happy.

With my ex-to-be, over the last 18months since we split, I've been happy for all the good things that meant she's started a new life.

I knew it was the right thing when we sold the old house and bought her a new one, as it gave her and the boy a fresh start and security.

I knew it was right that she had main custody of the boy, and it makes it so precious when I see him at weekends, even though I really miss him mid-week.

I was happy for her when she started dating, even though it was only three months after we split. She has her needs.

I was happy she was financially secure, its meant she has had to stand on her own two feet.

I don't even mind that I'm the one that has to drive the 45 miles there and then back on a Saturday to get the boy, and the same on Sunday to take him back.

Its funny. Its silly. Just one thing though and I find I am jealous. They are getting a pet, a cat, a cat from a rescue centre. I really want a dog, to take for walks and curl up and stroke on the couch in the evenings... but I can't. My working hours are too eratic and I am out of the house far too long in the day. It would be cruel.

So I am jealous, jealous she has the two things I want most. The boy and a pet. Its so silly isn't it?

The boy is so excited though, so I'll be excited for him.

School reports

Yesterday was the boys parents evening. They set it straight after school so I can't get there, but the ex told me all about it. The teacher said she has never come across a more polite boy. That makes me SO proud. He's doing pretty good in all his lessons and is ready to do free reading. She also says he is a born entertainer!



I am pretty darned chuffed with him :)

Asking

I've never really been good at asking for things, asking for things I would like, or for things I would like to happen.



I've always been relucant to push myself forward, or put my needs above others. I've also always very much responded to others desires as that really does give me a lot of pleasure.



It's also felt very, odd, the thought of asking my Owner for things. I guess I've also been worried about topping from the bottom, pushing for things my way.



Recently though I've started to get more comfortable asking for things. I think my attitude towards it has changed. Now if I ask, I know I am not being pushy, I am not critisicising or prompting her for things, I am not in anyway trying to lead. I am showing her, just as with my blogs, whats in my head, what my desires are, what my little tarty self is thinking then and what I desire. I'm placing those desires at her feet and letting her decide. If she says yes, thats lovely. If she says no, thats wonderful too as she has been given the chance to decide. In a way not asking I was denying her the decision.



The over thing I've discovered recently is the effect is still very very different if I've asked or she has just told me I will do something. For instance, last night I slept badly so I was feeling a little eh this morning and very tired. So, I asked if I could wear one of the nice pairs of panties I bought at the weekend. She said yes and that was lovely and gave me a little kickstart and makes me feel nice and sexy, as well as the delight of her giving me permission. However, if she one morning just told me "today pet, put on..." that is so so different. It puts me in my place, has that little edge of humiliation and makes me think about it all the time and think of her.



Maybe, maybe too I was a little scared that asking would take that away and make it too much about me. Its pretty cool it just works.

Time for bed

Grrrr



and now I just got called by work. A server I had been building, we've been allocated a duplicate IP address. It didn't show as duplicate when I checked, I think maybe the interfaces weren't configured. Not sure. Or I mistyped (always a possibility). It was shutdown by someone at work after I'd left because of it and they'd left me an email, not a text message.



I started work on it again tonight, playing catchup... saw it wasn't booted and thought "hmmm must have shut it down not rebooted it when I left, easily done" and so of course booted it. Causing the same thing again.



If they'd have called or texted I would have known, but I deliberately avoid checking my email in the evenings if I am working - then you just get nothing done, like in the days.



Oh well. Guess the day at work finished like it started...

Quite a day

Today has been quite a day.



Work was frustrating to say the least. The Solaris 10 project. Again. Its not even at the first phase of the project process yet. We've been trying to get it off the ground for 18months, but its been tied in red tape, people trying to piggy back their upgrades off it, the design team trying to get their pet ideas in (again) or go on wild fancies, and lack of anyone to pay for it even though its essential.



18 months I've done 2/3rds of the work, I just need the bits that relate to other teams. Its very frustrating. Nearly 3hrs discussing what was in and out of scope, what maybe required in estimates, and we still havent hit the first project phase. No wonder I am sick of it. Its also very very draining. Going over the same arguments over and over again.



Arrrrgh its so tiring.



Its also Monday, and we know how I get on Mondays after giving Alex back.



Also, Ma`am was in a very interesting mood today. Very forceful. Very very powerful. In fact I don't think I've ever known her in quite such a definite and strong mood. She pushed me today. She pushed me hard. She pushed me very very hard and definitely to places which were as far as I've gone outside my comfort zone. I know I kept creeping back and looking for reassurances and reminding myself she would be there and would guide me and believed in me.



Awhile after she went to bed, I was hit by the full fatigue of the day and felt lost. Lost and a little helpless and hopeless, and had some of those "is this lifestyle really for me?" feelings. I know its a combination of tiredness, frustration and being taken out of my comfort zone. I felt overwhelmed by it to the point of indecision. I had to go out to the store and get some cup-a-soups to post to my landlady in the philipines as she has been poorly and its all she can keep down, so I did. While I was there, I wanted something NICE to drink. The chocolate the boy has in the house was staring at me in house so I wanted something nice that I could have. I thought about some orange juice and picked up a couple of cartons and then walked on... then stopped and looked at the ingrediants, and saw they had added sugar and then looked more closely at the shelves. So many juices had added sugar, so I put them back... and found a couple of reasonably priced juice and yoghurt litre smoothies with no added sugar, just fruit. So chose those. OK, so they were three times the price but. It all just kinda clicked back into place. A simple decision, ignore the sugar, go for the easy option, or look a little deeper, spend more time and follow her rules for me. As soon as I did that, I felt better, happier, calmer and more in control as I knew my place and it was as simple as that.



She knows how far and how fast she can push, and more... she's given me the tools to cope with the reactions to it. She started off gently, slowly, taught me that she would be there after no matter what. Even in the times she is quiet, she's always shown she will be there later. Now she doesn't need to molly-coddle quite so much and can push harder and further. Now she expects me to have learnt some of those ways of dealing with those feelings, to keep myself close to her.



She has set the routines, the rituals, the little things to provide me that all encompassing knowledge of ownership to help me find the balance for when she isn't there. Thats kind of more awesome than just the sweet sweet affection she gives... she's tried to empower me.

Questions

My Owner asked me a question today. She asked if the fact she had allowed me to cum so many times this week made me insecure. It made me stop and stare a little in shock, wondering what I had done that might have make her get that conclusion. Then it made me think though, and try and answer as fully and honestly as I could. I am never good at yes/no, answers, lol, so I rambled around the subject for some time trying to give as complete an answer as I could. I guess with questions like this, I try and show the how I think and feel like I do as much as the why and what, and let her make her own conclusions, even if it is I don't know my own mind.



What I was left with most though was just how wonderful this part of our relationship was. That she could get an idea of something and just ask a direct question as she wanted to know, and not pussyfoot around, or poke, or make hints to see. Just ask and expect an honest answer, whether it was a good or a bad answer, and she really wanted an honest answer and not sugar coating. Communication is such an important part of any relationship, and often one we mess up by misunderstandings, miscommunications, things left unsaid, things too scared to say in case we look bad or hurt the other. This builds walls and makes things so much more complicated. Or, as I used to be, get paranoid about why people saw these things in me.



She is the first person who I've met who I could just say things to and we would deal with them, and expect the same back. Its made so much difference in how I see the relationship and how the security keeps growing. Its also a two way street, much as she wants to know exactly what is on my mind, she tells me the same back. I've tried to take what I've learnt from this into my newer friendships... try to be just as I am and let others take or leave it. Its hard, but she's proved just how worthwhile it is to true. She just teaches me so much in how to be what I can be, so I can bug the hell out of everyone else ;-).

Fears and friends

I had to work overnight Thurs to Friday night so was pretty tired by Friday morning and ready to nap. I had IRC on in the background and was chatting casually with my Owner and her new pet came in. You know this was something which made me a little insecure last week, not jealous, just... well I was thinking about this this week. Looking back I seem to struggle to keep friends in my life for too long. A year or two at most. Even my best friend now rarely speaks to me, she's wrapped up in other things, so I kind of start off expecting people to be interested in me for a time and then to get bored when I lose their interest and they find new things. I know I've never helped this as I was so insular and trying to keep the peace in my marriage, so this is a new time now and a new me...but the memories and experience are there. I expect people to get bored of me, as I don't really see anything that there is to be interested.

So thats part of the feeling about my nervousness. He's new, exciting, I'm a comfortable worn pup. Its a silly fear because of course, she likes me for me, and not because I was someone new. She knows and trusts me and values me and I know all that in my head, but still those insecurities remain, especially as I feel SO damn slow at the moment with all the broken sleep, I really get frustrated that thinking straight and concentrating is a challenge. So everyone else feels so much smarter, funnier, wittier. I mean I think that anyway normally, but I know being tired all the time makes it worse.

So he came into channel and he is a really nice guy, smart and very quick and funny. It had me laughing watching him. After he had left, Mistress sent me a private message saying he'd wanted to say it was nice to see me again but was too shy. I just sat there, staring at the screen in shock then. How could someone be shy of me? Its me thats shy of everyone else.

Have you ever had the world turn upside down and your whole perspective change then? Suddenly I could see how it might be from the other side, in fact how it had felt when I was the new pet and first met the princess and was SO intimidated by her as Mistress just gushes about her all the time with such affection. It took me quite awhile to get over that and be able to see princess as a friend and make my own relationship with her and put aside that feeling I was intruding between the two of them as they had been together so long. I think thats what I felt most. I was an intruder and didn't like to push between them. It settled, I worked at it with Mistress and now princess is a great great friend and I wouldn't be without her around. I hadn't seen how he might be feeling some kind of nervousness or shyness about me (of course completely different ones than I had had), but of course he could, so why was I being so shy and scared, I should reach out too and not miss out on the chance of a good friend.

It's amazing how seeing things from someone elses side can change your attitude. He's a really nice guy and I am glad I could say hi and make his acquaintance a little, not as another pet but as another person I want to get to know for himself.

Names

Whats in a name?

My ex-to-be IM'ed me last night and did her normal "Alan, can I ask you a question?". This is normally the "uhoh" for me as it means she's been thinking something and now wants my opinion whether she should do it or not, but really she's already decided so won't like it if I disagree.

Well I wasn't expecting what she asked. She sent me a link to a deed poll website and then asked me what I thought of her changing her name to

Ms firstname her maiden name-my surname

I know she's been thinking about what to do about it for some time, since we split. She didn't want to give up the old surname as she liked it, plus she wanted to have that common link with the surname the boy has (and will keep, he won't be changing his name at all), I do know the longer we've been apart the more she's wanted to go back too and has been torn.

It's probably a good compromise, but damn it felt weird.

I rang her up last night and asked her for by the new name and she just got confused and asked who I wanted a couple of times before she heard me giggle and said "Alan!" exasperatedly.

*grin*

Geek splurges

So I'm thinking about PC's and stuff again. The LCD screen on my PC in the lounge died on Monday (grrr) but fortunately I had one on the PC in the bedroom so stole that. Its smaller and isn't as clear but it works fine. I did start looking at replacements though, and there are some gorgeous 19" widescreen ones that are so tempting. So so tempting. This had me thinking though this morning, do I really need one? This 15" is fine (just a shock after the 17"). Do I need that PC in my bedroom? I fire it up like once every couple of months, apart from that never use it.



I'm trying to think of who I could give it to. Its not a bad PC, AMD 2700 I think, gig of RAM. Still reasonably quick. Charities won't take electrical goods (certification). I've given all my old ones to my sister before, so thats a possibility, but she doesnt really need it... its just been hassle before when I've had to sort them out (she should bite the bullet and buy a cheap new one). I've also had a few probs with the PSU of this one, or it hanging on the BIOS startup and needing powering off but don't use it enough to know if its a real problem. I could give it to the ex, as its faster than her PC, but again, same issues... I guess she would have her old one as a spare. It does seem a little silly just sitting there, and its too noisy to leave on as a server.



Then, I start daydreaming and thinking of getting a little Mac just to play with, just because... or another shuttle PC as they are just SO cute as general media/entertainment/play pc's for the bedroom (I don't really play games :-). So many geeky possibilities. I want to know what bonus we are getting!!!!

Disappointment and confusion

I had a disturbing conversation last night with an old old friend. It was only a few words but it shocked me and left me confused and a little upset.



We had been flirting, but hell I flirt and tease with most people that will flirt back and people know how I am. I know she had always wanted to take it further, but she knows the score with me and that I am very happily owned and anything I do is within the guidelines and permission of my Owner. She knows how devoted I am to my Owner and how very very seriously I take my collar. She also knows that as far as thats concerned, I am off limits and Mistress has made that clear. Coffee and chat, yeah no problems, but never any more than that.



Well, it came up that a long time ago I'd said she could spank my ass when we ever met up, just cos. That was a long time ago when things were very different and when it was mine to offer. It's not now, things have changed. The comment that disturbed me was... an indication that I could still go play with her as she wouldn't tell my Owner if I did. I politely declined and reiterated how seriously I took this, but it left me disturbed and more than a little disappointed. Disappointed she could suggest it, disappointed she could think I'd even entertain it. I actually felt betrayed.



I've spoken to her about it this morning (see, I try and deal with things now!) and she says she was just teasing back, but, it's left me feeling a little uncomfortable as it didn't feel like a tease, and if it was it was kind of in bad taste. Its a little confusing.

Geek hotness

I am such a geek. A friend of mine was contacted by a household name IT company and I helped them get their CV upto-date. Can I just say how HOT that is!

So predictable

So last night I caught myself doing something at work which made me laugh. No nothing bad, get your mind out of the gutter. It was when I was just about to leave work, about 7pm and I thought "why am I still here?". I wasn't doing anything important, nothing that wouldn't wait. I had to laugh when I realised why. I just couldn't be bothered to go home, as there was nothing there to go home to.



Why did I laugh? Because I always do this, everytime I've had the boy for a week, or when the landlady went, or I've been away. Mon, Tues, I leave work on time, even a little early, go home tired and love having the space to myself. Then Wed, I find myself working late at work because I can't be bothered to go home and am a little blah. It made me chuckle to myself just how predictable I am, and that made me feel better, as it was kinda silly. Now, I just wish I could remember how I am on the Thurs and Friday!