I like to think that whilst I am dumb enough to make mistakes, I am smart enough to learn from them.
It's a nice theory anyway, heh, we will see how true it is.
So, I had this dumb stubborn resentment formed about the meds I was taking. Part of it was from the perceived dizziness if I missed a day or two. That sort of rubbed in the feeling of dependency. Part of it was the frustration at always feeling slightly muzzy. Part of it the feeling that what I was gaining (the peace, the being in the moment, the things not being too extreme either way) were no longer that perceivable and that the detachment I felt was suddenly starting to be a hindrence rather than a benefit. I wanted to feel more involved because now... now it had started to be more possible to BE involved and now it was beginning to feel like it was holding me back, one of the things that made me look at things and go "thats nice" rather than feel passionate. That little blunting of things which had been so good to start with, that had made things so much easier to keep in balance (because I didn't have the extreme) was now starting to be a frustration.
Part of it was also that with things coming out from the counselling, and things I had to work on that I wanted to know it was just me... that it wasn't the meds, that I was doing these things. So I wouldn't be not taking the credit for it, or saying "oh but i couldn't" to myself.
Part of it was I wanted to know how I felt like again, unmedicated natural alan, so I had a baseline to know what was and wasn't after the last year and a half and the changes in my life.
Part of it was I wanted rid of the littl apathy that had grown there. That feeling that "neutral" was the common state of mind and that it was a push against inertia to actually do anything, and that it was harder to push. Not from a depressive state of mind just from... inertia.
Part of it wanting to know if they were being as effective as they had been, as somethings had been getting to me more recently leading to more feelings the negatives were outweighing the positives. Wanting to know what was "natural" before deciding to ask for something different, to find out what was just me. I didn't mind if in the end yes... I did need something, I just wanted to actually know.
I also knew my Doctor had made suggestions that I might want to come off them in the summer in my last review. Me being me, stubborn as I am, I kinda wanted to do it my way.
So I did enough research to get a little enough information to do try things very badly, knowing enough to know how long a dose took too work through your system with its half life. I decided to half it for that... and then come off it. The half dose worked mainly kind of fine. A little dizzy but nothing that unusual. Then, after a week and a bit of that... try with none.
I did notice a difference actually. I wonder if it was just perceived. A certain clarity of thought even though I had a cold. A definite increase in general horniness. Yes, I know, me, hornier. Scary huh.
Then, whilst I thought it was the cold, the withdrawl kicked in. Lightheadedness to the point I felt bad standing up. Tiredness. Cold sweats. Whooshing through my brain and noise. Fidgety, anxiety, panic. Big panic attacks. Nervousness. Agitation. Twitchiness. Headaches. Heart racing. Feeling displaced from my body. No sense of direction. Tunnel vision. Finding it difficult to concentrate or walk or move. Flashing disorientating when i looked in different directions.
I really was expecting some nervousness, anxiety, depression when I came off. Prepared for that. I wasnt expect the physical effects though. That shocked me and I thought it was just the cold til i started doing some reading when they didn't disappear.
So faced with a choice. Push through, hope the cleared soon, or go back to the low dose. I have agognised about that tonight. Finally I decided to go back on.
I have learnt a healthy respect for these drugs. For SSRI's. I will not take this so lightly next time and I will go to my doctor for advice and I will make sure I get good advice from them and advice that recognises the reality of how this can be. I decided because I am going to meet two very dear friends soon and I want it to be a good time and I can't be sure the side effects will be clear. It seems so variable. I've decided as this is important to me, better the devil I know. When I get back, THEN I will tackle my doctor and decide the next step.
A slightly wiser and more realistic pup. Oh and one that wants to puke :P
Monday, June 02, 2008
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Perfect timing
Timing can be everything.
In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.
It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.
So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.
This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.
Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.
I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).
So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.
So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.
I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.
So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.
This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.
In the week, during the night whilst I was being irritable and awake and doing my impression of a snot monster I started talking to my landlady. I don't get to speak to her much, with the time difference to the Phillipines, so it was a pleasent surprise even though IM'ing with a cold is like pulling teeth when your eyes hurt.
It may prove to be an example of why you should lock yourself away when you are not feeling great... but I wasn't quite aware how edgy I was then. Anyway, a mutual friend of ours is in a sticky position. She is being laid off and there is a period of time til she retires so this is obviously being a great worry to her. My landlady has invited her to come out and stay for a large part of that time (which I thought just sums up just how generous she can be.... just as she has been with me in this house) but then came up a rather sticky point. Our friend had mentioned to me, as a warning, that my landlady had already suggested that she come stay here in Didcot for 3-6 months around that. Out friend had already mentioned coming to visit for a week either side and whilst it seemed a bit insane (it's a hell of a long way and increase in flight costs) I did understand her determination to make this a trip she wouldn't forget. However, the prospect of 6 months being discussed did make me start to fret. The honest truth of it is I just wouldn't be able to handle that sort of visitation in the house and was faced with the sudden thought that I really would just have to move out. I didn't overly like that thought, or the fact that I knew our friend would then be very upset at the thought of pushing me out.
So, that night, my landlady made a comment along the lives of our friend would sort me out while she was living here. I said ummm what? and she elaborated that she might be for 3-6 months. I admit... I kind of lost it. I was really mad. Mad for several reasons. First... it made me feel very convenient. That I was an afterthought. Oh don't worry about alan, he is a good little boy, he won't mind. That there was just this expectation that give me a pat and a smile and I will go along with anything, that I am so accomodating that my views don't really count as I don't have any. People can plan things around me and I will just fall in line. It made me very...very... very... very insignificant and inconsidered. This is somewhat of a weak spot for me for various reasons. I know in the past I have been so desperate to be liked I have rolled over and gone along with things far far far too much... and some of the past relationships I got into, especially immediately after my marriage break up were rather more than just slightly one sided. I have tried to keep things much more even since then. I don't claim I succeed but I have learnt that I made big mistakes in my marriage by always trying to do everything for my wife and keep her happy, and I don't want to spoil my newer friendships. It's hard at times I admit because it's the refuge of the one with low self-esteem. Wanting to please people. It's also a fine line as being nice, helping my friends, loving those I love and doing things to help them is a big big big part of the good side of me that I like. It's a balance though and I am not necessarily very good at balance. Yes, being an afterthought does make me feel trampled on.
This made me feel like an afterthought. I guess it had been lingering for awhile, from mentions before of her mum visiting for 3 months, and then that her mum might stay here for part of that while she wasn't here. Yes, that was the first time I turned round and said "no", that wasn't do-able and it scared me then, scared me how she would take it, scared me saying no and worrying if I was doing the right thing or not. Whether I was hiding away, being too afraid to take risks, or whether I was being sensible and putting my needs first for once.
Then... there was a feeling of being pushed into a corner. This had been discussed with our friend and if I now turned round and said "no" when she was already feeling fragile, this would just be another rejection for her. It made it awfully hard for me to say no and I felt trapped by it. It made it harder to not just smile and go of course.
I felt on the spot and pressured. Ummm this is not a good place for me, especially not feeling well. I tend to react angrily (though I am a lot better than I used to be as I have worked at being honest with myself about why these things get to me).
So. Dilemna. Do I let it slide (and then feel awful about myself for not saying anything, for just being weak, wussy, compliant and not saying what I think and feeling like I just let everything slide over me as I am not important), or do I say something and risk pissing her off.
So I said something. I probably didn't phrase it well and she went very formal and cold on me and I haven't seen her online since to talk to, but I did say something and I am glad I did or it would have eaten at me badly and made it harder.
I am glad I did though, as it gave me the freedom to think about it overnight and the next morning. To come to my conclusions about what I was and wasn't comfortable with and why. To practically think of the realities of the situation and consequences. To not feel pressured but work out what could work and what wouldnt. Mainly to consider the effect on my son of having someone here all the time. No matter how much you say it doesn't matter, it does. This is my son's home and it will affect him with others here, because he will feel he has to be on best behaviour. It will also effect me and my time with him as I wouldn't be able to relax. So the conclusion was a month. A month as thats a good time to not feel like we had to rush anything, that I had to entertain or be honest, but not be too long so as to feel trapped or pushed out or feel it was affecting my boy.
So I emailed our friend. Explained the logic, that this was a rational invitation and invited her for a month.
This leads to timing... timing as this was the day the shit hit the fan for her at work and she really appreciated the genuine invitation. So I don't know what will happen or when it will happen, and I don't know if my landlady is pissed at me, but I do kinda think the timing still was kind of perfect.
Growl, Fidget, Bark
First, my apologies to anyone I have been irritable or short with the last few days. I don't make a good patient. Not a patient patient, as it were.
Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?
Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.
I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.
*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*
Ugh, I really hate being ill. Yes, I know I am a wuss, but it's my blog and I can be a wuss in it if I want. A cold started coming out last Monday while I was doing all the driving around and it stuck with me all week, well the runny nose and fever did. On the plus side I did a lot of overtime in the night when I was awake... I am sure that's got to be a good thing, right?
Since Friday I have just felt awful again. Whereas it was just fever and runny nose before now I just can't concentrate, I keep feeling light-headed, dizzy when I move, head hurts, eyes hurt, and I don't know what to do with myself. Now I'm starting to get really frustrated because of it and itchy-crawly skin so I am writing to get it out of my system. I'm lonely! I hate being ill on my own with no one to cuddle! I am really missing my boy. I didn't have him last weekend, he was with his Mum in spain for a weeks holiday and I had him again for most of yesterday and today. I wish I had felt better with him being here, but even feeling yuk it was just so lovely to have him snuggled up against me, and now I am missing him so badly.
I'm also feeling right properly crawly skin inside. That kinda itchy paranoia that makes you start to scratch at yourself, so again on top of the being irritable I am sorry to anyone that I've bugged because I don't know how to sit still or relax.
*fidgets around not knowing what to do with himself*
Monday, May 26, 2008
Caveman dating
To intersperse with something more fun... I was on the beach the other day, taking K and her daughter for a walk because I really needed to get away and relax for a moment. We had completely not ended up where we intended to 'cos it had taken too long and we were just clambering on a rocky stony beach instead and I was being very proud because I had managed to climb up one of the groynes so I I wasn't any less fit than an overweight 10 year old. Very chuffed with myself even though I didn't know how I was going to get down.
Anyway, K and her daughter started skimming stones across the water. Now normally I would have avoided joining in as I've always been very self-conscious about how awkward I look, but I joined in and giggled and made a fool of myself quite happily (I am gaining a talent for that ;-). I think it's the first time I've skimmed stones... Finally, finally, after a competition of trying to knock down beer cans of rocks (which somehow I managed to end up being the one who kept having to put them up, and I am still SURE I was cheated out of victory), I thought I would do one last stone... try and beat 5 skips. So I picked up the perfect stone. Weighed it in my hand. Balanced it. Stepped back. Took aim. Pulled my arm back to curve it. Promptly let fly about 90 degree's early (premature throwing) and nearly brained a cute blonde walking down the beach with her bf.
Sigh I CLAIM I was resorting to caveman tactics of trying to knock her out to drag her back to my cave, but that didn't really wash. I just curled up bent over in embarrassment and got the giggles and tried unsuccessfully to hide behind K. I don't think they were English as they didn't say anything when we walked past them on the way out. Of course they may have just been nervously watching me in case I tried for a repeat performance...
It just proves, once again, the safest place to be when I throw things is where I am aiming at...
Anyway, K and her daughter started skimming stones across the water. Now normally I would have avoided joining in as I've always been very self-conscious about how awkward I look, but I joined in and giggled and made a fool of myself quite happily (I am gaining a talent for that ;-). I think it's the first time I've skimmed stones... Finally, finally, after a competition of trying to knock down beer cans of rocks (which somehow I managed to end up being the one who kept having to put them up, and I am still SURE I was cheated out of victory), I thought I would do one last stone... try and beat 5 skips. So I picked up the perfect stone. Weighed it in my hand. Balanced it. Stepped back. Took aim. Pulled my arm back to curve it. Promptly let fly about 90 degree's early (premature throwing) and nearly brained a cute blonde walking down the beach with her bf.
Sigh I CLAIM I was resorting to caveman tactics of trying to knock her out to drag her back to my cave, but that didn't really wash. I just curled up bent over in embarrassment and got the giggles and tried unsuccessfully to hide behind K. I don't think they were English as they didn't say anything when we walked past them on the way out. Of course they may have just been nervously watching me in case I tried for a repeat performance...
It just proves, once again, the safest place to be when I throw things is where I am aiming at...
Family betrayals
While I was down here though my parents wanted to sit me down and talk to me about my Nan. Dad had been abrupt on the phone the night before as he had to keep the line clear and told me he would explain when I got down here. I was kind of worried, to be honest. Nan is 87, blind and barely mobile and suffers panic attacks so I was making up all sorts of possibilities.
I can hear Nan on the phone to Mum at the moment in the background to be honest, and they are reassuring her that everything is ok as she is having a panic attack. I am taking Mum down to stay with her a few days on the way home, so the timing has turned out well.
The basic story is (and I don't think there is anyway to state it except factually, as you would start getting bitter if you really thought about it) my Aunt (who is the most local to Nan) was charged with her basic care and finances. Nan is very wary of strangers so wouldn't allow a paid cared assistant so my aunt received the care allowance for shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc, and making sure that bills, etc, were paid. After Nan's phone was suddenly disconnected a whole mess has been revealed which Mum and Dad have been dealing with for the last couple of weeks. Utility bills unpaid for several years and all of them either in the hands of debt collectors or about to have a forcible disconnection. My Aunt having apparently taken the pension for who knows how many years and paid barely a penny out.
The temptation is, of course, to go after my Aunt. If financially my parents weren't in a position to try and get Nan out of this then they would have no choice. They can though, and I am pretty proud of them despite how angry they have been about this (Mum hasn't really slept in the last couple of weeks) they have stepped back from the desire for retribution and thought about what's best for my Nan. They know it would kill Nan if she knew quite the scope of what's happened, how much she was betrayed. She would hide away terrified for fear of the trouble she had caused. I also know... that anger would have hidden a certain (misplaced) guilt that they did not push things earlier, did not dig deeper. So (can you tell practicality runs in my family) instead they have thought about what Nan needs and have taken over all the organisation and financial responsibility, even though they have to do it from a distance. My aunt is talking of slinking off and frankly I don't care what happens to her as long as she keeps out of our lives and our affairs. I've been helping Mum and Dad setup all the utility bills for online billing, so they don't have to worry about how they will get the bills.
There has been talk that maybe my Aunt has a gambling problem. I don't know. It has been nothing but lies as long as I can remember so I not even going to think about it. Rare as it is for me, I have no sympathy and no empathy. This is pure exploitation of someone that was helpless and depended on her. Her own Mother. I am beyond disgusted, I am not even bitter. To me, I count myself less one relative and will have no qualms completely ignoring her if I ever had the misfortune to encounter her again.
I can hear Nan on the phone to Mum at the moment in the background to be honest, and they are reassuring her that everything is ok as she is having a panic attack. I am taking Mum down to stay with her a few days on the way home, so the timing has turned out well.
The basic story is (and I don't think there is anyway to state it except factually, as you would start getting bitter if you really thought about it) my Aunt (who is the most local to Nan) was charged with her basic care and finances. Nan is very wary of strangers so wouldn't allow a paid cared assistant so my aunt received the care allowance for shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc, and making sure that bills, etc, were paid. After Nan's phone was suddenly disconnected a whole mess has been revealed which Mum and Dad have been dealing with for the last couple of weeks. Utility bills unpaid for several years and all of them either in the hands of debt collectors or about to have a forcible disconnection. My Aunt having apparently taken the pension for who knows how many years and paid barely a penny out.
The temptation is, of course, to go after my Aunt. If financially my parents weren't in a position to try and get Nan out of this then they would have no choice. They can though, and I am pretty proud of them despite how angry they have been about this (Mum hasn't really slept in the last couple of weeks) they have stepped back from the desire for retribution and thought about what's best for my Nan. They know it would kill Nan if she knew quite the scope of what's happened, how much she was betrayed. She would hide away terrified for fear of the trouble she had caused. I also know... that anger would have hidden a certain (misplaced) guilt that they did not push things earlier, did not dig deeper. So (can you tell practicality runs in my family) instead they have thought about what Nan needs and have taken over all the organisation and financial responsibility, even though they have to do it from a distance. My aunt is talking of slinking off and frankly I don't care what happens to her as long as she keeps out of our lives and our affairs. I've been helping Mum and Dad setup all the utility bills for online billing, so they don't have to worry about how they will get the bills.
There has been talk that maybe my Aunt has a gambling problem. I don't know. It has been nothing but lies as long as I can remember so I not even going to think about it. Rare as it is for me, I have no sympathy and no empathy. This is pure exploitation of someone that was helpless and depended on her. Her own Mother. I am beyond disgusted, I am not even bitter. To me, I count myself less one relative and will have no qualms completely ignoring her if I ever had the misfortune to encounter her again.
Restful weekends...
So much to catch up on. So I am sitting at Mum's (for the bank holiday weekend) in a pink fluffy dressing gown and doing to do some catch up. I want to point out it is NOT my pink fluffy dressing gown, it's Mum's, despite what anyone else may say about me, I'm not into pink! It just doesn't match my skin tone ;-).
My car had to have her first service this weekend (poor baby) as she is nearly a year old and I've already hit the 12500 miles. I work her so hard, poor thing, you always suspected me to be a hard, cruel task master, didn't you? The garage is half way between my house and Mum's so I thought it was a good chance to come down here and be spoiled for a few days. Well be spoiled, fix Mum's PC, fix Dad's PC, fix Mum's email, write a spreadsheet for dad, give them advice, buy mum a new mouse, download and install some new mini games for Mum, show Mum how to play DVD's on her laptop, load some music for Dad, demonstrate the Wii Fit for them...
Ahhhh now you see why I am going 5000 miles away for my summer holidays ;-).
My car had to have her first service this weekend (poor baby) as she is nearly a year old and I've already hit the 12500 miles. I work her so hard, poor thing, you always suspected me to be a hard, cruel task master, didn't you? The garage is half way between my house and Mum's so I thought it was a good chance to come down here and be spoiled for a few days. Well be spoiled, fix Mum's PC, fix Dad's PC, fix Mum's email, write a spreadsheet for dad, give them advice, buy mum a new mouse, download and install some new mini games for Mum, show Mum how to play DVD's on her laptop, load some music for Dad, demonstrate the Wii Fit for them...
Ahhhh now you see why I am going 5000 miles away for my summer holidays ;-).
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Secret to Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Plumbing the depths
My parents' town is going to be one of the first to be receiving high speed 100Mbit broadband in the UK. That'd be pretty neat to have and is using the novel approach of running fibre through the sewers to save laying new pipes, etc.
Now, my parents have quite a habit of calling me when things go wrong with their PC or their internet... but I ummm think I will be opting out of helping them sort out that one. This adds a whole new meaning to "my internet pipe is a big clogged up". Ewwwww.
Now, my parents have quite a habit of calling me when things go wrong with their PC or their internet... but I ummm think I will be opting out of helping them sort out that one. This adds a whole new meaning to "my internet pipe is a big clogged up". Ewwwww.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Counselliing
So it's just about time for me to go see a counsellor at my doctor's surgery for the first time. I rang to make a private appointment a week or so ago as I know I really need some help to get past some reoccuring things. Stress. Anxiety. How I deal with them. How I respond to them. How they effect my self-image and the cycles I then go through. I am honestly terrified, my heart is beating so fast... I know it will be ok, but those old fears. Will I clam up, will I know what to say, will I sound stupid...
See, thats exactly why I am going.
See, thats exactly why I am going.
Kick up the arse
I weighed myself on a whim this morning after my shower. It must have been a year or so since I last weighed myself and it was quite a shock. Well I admit the first time I read it I checked the scales again as I didn't believe it. Last time I looked I was about 115lbs and now I'm 134lbs.
OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!
OK so I know I will get jumped on by a million women for bitching about my weight at that.... but it's not so much the actual weight that freaked me, it's the gain... the idea of it being out of my control. I know there are a dozen factors contributing to it, age, a more sedentry lifestyle over Winter, the citalopram, maybe being more settled and eating more. After so long of being picked on for being skinny, the thought of putting on weight is strangely hard. Especially of it looking out of proportion with my frame... you know the dreaded middle-aged tummy. I think most of all though it's that out of control feeling. I'd already started using my ex's exercise bike and now I think I am going to stop being lazy and start walking to the train station again! Sometimes we need a kick up our asses to stop getting complacent! At least now I won't get toppled over by the wind.... just time to make sure it stays in all the right places!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Summer Holidays
Yaaay so I've finally planned my summer holidays. Shhhh it's not SUCH a shock that finally decisions have been made.
Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.
Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.
*gets nervous and excited*
Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!
Soooo from the mid-June I'll be in Pennsylvania for just under a week with the delightful Ms Silvie and family. Probably being sat on by the dog and kept in isolation so I don't infect her with more English germs. Or she will be injecting me with all the finest American ones she has been saving up for me.
Thennnnnnnnnnnnnn a week in New York with my very very very very very very very old friend ScarlettRose. I still can't quite believe it with everything we have gone through that I'll have chance to say thanks for everything in person. We will be unadulterated tourists, going on tours, poking around, just finding what there is to see. It is somewhat terrifying. Thinking about meeting her after all this time. Every now and then I suddenly think omg what if.... what if she doesn't like me... what if we don't get on... what if it's awkward. But hell, I've known her for so long... and she is such a good friend, we will have a lot of fun. Plus, you know, to have a chance to give her that hug I've promised for so long. Everything in life that is good involves risk, and this one is definitely worth it. I'd in the end rather have what really is than fantasies that aren't.
*gets nervous and excited*
Now I just need to drag Kay to Amsterdam and all my holidays will be set, hehe!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Closure
Now that whinge is out the way (well, fairly recently, I did kind of have to go to work in between, these things happen), onto other happier things. It is surprising how writing things down does clear the air and let you move on, it certainly did with the previous post.
It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.
One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.
Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.
So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.
I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!
It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."
It's something I've learnt can help with writing lists of actions... If they are written down then I don't have to keep remembering what it is I need to do, I can go back and read the list. It's there, outside myself and the piece of paper can look after it. Just like that, sometimes writing down what hurts can let me leave it there rather than keep living it. Sometimes. Hehe.
One thing that does occur though, one thing that HAS changed is yes... these things still stress/upset/bother me, but they don't hang around as they do... it's much more discrete.
Another moment of closure today. One of the things that's bothered me and I've avoided doing since I seperated was sorting out my son's savings. We've saved the child benefit he get's from the government since he was born and a chunk of it was moved into our savings account a few years ago. This account was offset against our mortgage so it reduced the interest we paid and was helping to reduce the term. When we split up, the way I settled things was to buy my ex a new house so she and the boy had somewhere to live. Unfortunately this took all of the sale of our old house and half our savings. So that left me with half the savings and no house...but we still owed the boy the money that was his. I suppose, rationally my ex should have paid half of it and I should have paid half of it, but things were fairly hard back then and I had to make things work between us, and I wasn't really in the sort of place mentally to fight for my side of things. I have to admit though, everytime I've started to think "I must move that money into another account" I've felt suddenly resentful, so avoided it. It was an unpleasent reminder of everything I gave away in order to ensure we all moved on with our lives and that I could feel free. But... my ex announced she was looking to buy a car and was looking to take out a loan. She actually handled the situation pretty adultly for her, and was willing to take on the responsibility of the loan so I talked to her about it, and the interest she would be paying on it over three years and suggested she borrow the majority of it from the money I had to repay our son, and she pay that back weekly. The rest, well, I lent her and I will reduce the amount I pay her monthly. Maybe I was interfering but I could do it and it seemed silly that she was wasting money. It also gave me the kick I needed to deal with one of the last thorns of our seperation, and part of me did think... I kinda prefer just in case anything happens with my job that me so I stopped paying her child support... at least she hasn't got a loan over her head.
So it's done, and it hurt like hell... really hurt.... but it was like lancing a boil and after a day or two it felt such a relief. Today I went into the bank and opened a savings account for the boy and set up the standing order for her repayments. Closure on that, and it feels good. Definitely behind me now.
I'm pretty tired after the day at work and the sleepless night, but now my neighbour wants help with her laptop when she get's back from her sister, so I can't nap!
It really didn't sound good when she said "It starts with FAT32 on a blue screen..."
Another little nudge
A sleepless night and one of those where thoughts were jumbled and unpleasent. To be honest, I've avoided writing when I've had lower times. I mean I've said it all before. Hell I don't want to hear about it so no one else wants to find it by accident when they are eating their cornflakes. Maybe in some ways I don't want to remind myself about it so I can forget about it. So, into a habit of thinking ok I won't write about that, I won't write about that. More self-censorship. Mainly based on thinking "oh no not again" and that feeling of not getting anywhere, even if it's not true. Possibly because it feels like I only come here to whine.
Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.
So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.
The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.
The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.
But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.
Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.
So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.
The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.
The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.
But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Oh dear
I am not saying this kind of shows the mentality at work, but they've put signs up in the men's toilets telling us to make sure we flush the toilets...
Friday, March 21, 2008
Party
I'm on a blogging rant, obviously. After a week of being so tired I've been curled in bed by 8pm latest today has been just what I needed. I was asleep by 7.30pm last night, then awake from midnight for an hour or two.... and then a nice lie in this morning. Spring cleaning today, not just tidying but turning the rooms upside down to see what I didn't need. The things I had tucked into corners or under the bed that really needed throwing out. That and stuffing vitamins down my throat to combat the cold that decided to start coming out today (hence the tiredness I think) and then a delicious nap from being genuinely worn out from being busy. Such a lovely feeling! Feeling tired because you've done something and not just from the fact you've made it home from work!
Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.
Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.
We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.
The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.
So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.
Back a week to last Friday. Kay and I went to our first party. We've talked about it a long time, always being something that intrigued us in that nervous... we want to see what it's like but... do we really belong? What the hell do we think we are doing by doing this? At our age? So inexperienced, this is a world other people belong in, not us. Yet we kept coming back to it. Despite all our fears and insecurities and the ups and downs of various events we had gone to, the places we had felt welcomed or out of place. There is just something you cannot get away from you know? That kind of feeling inside that somehow its part of you. We've been to SWAMP and LAM and LFF and enjoyed the times in the markets. Sometimes we have felt a bit out of place as everyone knows each other so well, so its easy to feel like you are left out. It's not intentional, but sometimes you need to keep at it to make your place. There was also the whole thing about peoples expectations of you. Are you Domme and sub, friends, do you address the Dom/me, do you talk to the sub. I guess every location has its own conventions, the kind of people it attracts and the sort of lifestyle they live. Being inexperienced I know we struggled to read it a bit at some of those events so maybe felt more awkward than we should, not wanting to put our feet in it. Silly I know, but it works both ways... people making assumptions about us based on their expectations of the event. So we kept coming back to talking about going to a party. Somewhere we could be more relaxed, more ourselves. Then nerves would set in. Well, with a new couple arranging a party nearby and on a day when we could get babysitters we thought... OK we will try it. End the speculation. Go to a party at a time of our choosing and under our control. If we hated it, we could just leave and go home. At least we would know then.
Personally... I was terrified. It was a fetish night. That didn't bother me. Seeing people dressed up in various getups... The nights in the dungeon at Thunder put my mind at rest about whether that sort of thing bothered me. It doesn't. It feels entirely natural, as does being dressed up myself. It's just another way of expressing me... So I wasn't bothered about that - or about things I might see or hear. Maybe I am just odd but... I remember at Thunder thinking I might be squicked at any form of piercing or needle play (since i am personally squeemish) - but yet... when I saw a lady having needles through the tops of her arms and then ribbons run around them, all I could think of was how beautiful she looked and how beautiful the pair of them were in the space they were caught up in. No, I wasn't worried about that, it was just the sheer fact it was a party! I am SO not a sociable group person. I've never voluntarily been to a party. I freeze in horror at the thought of being placed in situations with lots of people I don't know. Hell I worry enough sometimes about talking with people I do know... It takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable with people and relax. But we were going together and in the same boat. I had called the people organising it the week before and they had been really nice.
We deliberately took our time getting dressed up before we went out, rather than getting changed there. This was mainly to make it more of a giggle for us, so we felt comfortable when we got there. I wore leather thong, leather corset, matching boots, tail and fishnets. Ignoring the whole unfortunate incident with the dog going for my tail (hey its my tail! leave it alone! It's the only one I have!) and the deplorable attempts of my parking... One plus point of a corset is you have to breath regularly so it's hard to stay panicked, so I felt strangely calm when I went in. I have to say they were incredibly friendly. One of the organisers met us as soon as we had gone in and they were so sweet. She said she had been wondering where we had got to and hoping we were going to come. She offered to show us around and then show us the changing rooms. Ummm I am a tart so I stripped off my jeans and t-shirt and put on my boots there and then in the corridor. Wellllll if we are going to wander round around and see everything then you want to feel comfy don't you? The venue was great. The people really friendly. Generally everyone was pretty accepting of whatever reasons everyone else was there. Very little sign of looking down on anyone elses tastes. We had a few moments when we were sitting there thinking "ok why are we here" but I think we talked each other through that, and that's just our.... inexperience with social occasions as much as anything I think, not that it was a kink event. There was a great demo on tens and on violet wands, both of which I enjoyed thoroughly (even if it got a bit hot and smokey in that room!). We enjoyed wandering around and decided that well... maybe we would play a little in one of the rooms. This basically involved me being spanked or flogged on the ass and losing count and ending in giggles. Hey, I am not very good at counting... It was kind of a nerves thing as much as anything, a wanting to do something so we enjoyed it for us and didn't go away thinking "oh if only" or that we had been too shy or scared. It was an odd thing. Nice but odd! I know I wasn't in the right place for any sort of head space, so it was purely a physical thing (which is nice enough). It's an interesting experience when you are bent over, your tail is glowing in UV light in the dark and people walk into the room and stand quietly and watch.... People were very respectful though. I hope they weren't bored at what we were doing as people didn't stay long! One did quietly point out to their companion that they could see the red spots appear on my ass and welts start to form. That was kinda... nice. Well actually it was really neat and quite a turn on, heh. More so than the first time someone walked in and I just ended up in giggles. We left sometime after 2am both very glad we had gone.
The next day I was on my own for most of the day and kind of crashed. I slept in and didn't get out of bed til 2pm. Lots of bad thoughts. I replayed every word I had said. Finding fault with it. Things I had said. Things I should have said. Just pointing out to myself how socially awkward I can be... Ugh. Silly I know. Critiscising myself that I hadn't been in any sort of headspace, that in some way I had cheated Kay by not being able to be... I was avoiding getting up whilst anyone else was in the house. When Kay's eldest got up to go to work I kicked myself and got out of bed and took my mood out on the kitchen. Scrubbing and scouring all the cupboards and walls for a couple of hours (hence the scuffed nail polish) and getting the generically manic nervousness out of my system. That feeling of not wanting to face people. I have to admit it worked, and rather than feeling really down and itchy and antsy inside it got it out my system and I felt a lot more peaceful by the evening and a lot more realistic about my views of the night before. Yes, I had been quiet. Yes I could have been more talkative, but that's me in a situation like that. I had gone, I had had fun, I had not run away from the situation for fear of how it might be.... In honesty, one even early in the evening DID make me defensive so it wasn't surprising with that and the pre-emptive nerves that I was uptight and not able to "feel submissive". Someone had asked me if my tail was on my thong or anally inserted as they had all been wondering then asked me what "i was into". That threw me somewhat, having to define myself like that... so I said I was a puppy. I thought it sounded kind of lame, but Kay says I said it with a nice smile on my face. It just made me a bit self-conscious, as there as almost an.... aggressive tone in how they asked. So yes, I was a bit defensive, but I stayed, I had fun, and no I wasn't cheating or pretending to be anything other than I was.... thank heavens for those cupboards and getting the manic edginess out the day after.
So thankyou to the lovely people who we met that night and who made us feel so welcome and for running such a lovely venue.
!
Talking of fond memories.... I caught the end of Airplane! on tv earlier today. God that movie is still so funny, it should have dated so badly but it hasn't. I will never forget the increasingly paranoid looks on Lloyd Bridges face!
Me? I will just settle for having a drink problem... and don't call me Shirely.
Me? I will just settle for having a drink problem... and don't call me Shirely.
Fond memories
I was talking to a South African friend tonight about comics. It was one of those weird turns of conversations that start off and go on tangents. They had been interviewing Alan Moore on the BBC news website and it fascinated me when it said he still lived in a 3 bedroom terrace in Northampton just like the one he had grown up in. One of the greatest comic book writers in history and so grounded in his roots. Anyway, from that I was flicking and started looking at the costumes for the watchmen movie (purrr at one particular one) and then I whinged loads to him about how it could possibly completely destroy one of my favourite stories and one which (imo) resparked off the whole comic genre again... Anyway I am biased, I like it a lot. Oh yes, after oggling PVC leggins and suspenders we talked about Terry Pratchett (they were advertising the TV version of the Colour of Magic on TV). It really is a small world as despite being in different countries we had both met him at book signings (kinda nice that, like one touch removed via a common connection).
Anyway, I have very fond memories of a trip to the Forbidden Planet in London for a signing. We were early so we were wandering around downstairs, looking at books, when we saw this guy in a hat talking to one of the staff members. It was of course Terry Pratchett. No one else seemed to recognise him, he was just mooching around undisturbed and we couldn't help overhearing. He wasn't overly keen on doing the signing in the shop. Too small. Too crowded. No alcohol. He had seen a nice bar around the corner though... They did. They took over that bar for the afternoon. It was supposed to be an hours signing but he must have been there for 3hrs+ signing and making sure everyone got through. No just closing up shop when the time was up. Others may have had a celebrity fit and said that was it... but not he sat through and said hi to everyone that came by. Chatted. Was friendly. Didn't just mumble and sign, he said hi. He asked names. He wrote personalised dedications in every book. He even recognised us from another signing and which book it was. When you consider the thousands of people he must meet every year. Its such a delight someone that so truly loves their audience and celebrates with them... Truly truly one of the great eccentrics and gentlemen of our time.
Anyway, I have very fond memories of a trip to the Forbidden Planet in London for a signing. We were early so we were wandering around downstairs, looking at books, when we saw this guy in a hat talking to one of the staff members. It was of course Terry Pratchett. No one else seemed to recognise him, he was just mooching around undisturbed and we couldn't help overhearing. He wasn't overly keen on doing the signing in the shop. Too small. Too crowded. No alcohol. He had seen a nice bar around the corner though... They did. They took over that bar for the afternoon. It was supposed to be an hours signing but he must have been there for 3hrs+ signing and making sure everyone got through. No just closing up shop when the time was up. Others may have had a celebrity fit and said that was it... but not he sat through and said hi to everyone that came by. Chatted. Was friendly. Didn't just mumble and sign, he said hi. He asked names. He wrote personalised dedications in every book. He even recognised us from another signing and which book it was. When you consider the thousands of people he must meet every year. Its such a delight someone that so truly loves their audience and celebrates with them... Truly truly one of the great eccentrics and gentlemen of our time.
Family teasing
I was a good boy on the way back last Sunday. I've driven past the motorway turnoff to my sisters on the way back from Wales countless times in the last 6 months but not popped into see her. My excuse is its normally it's either 6am in the morning or 9pm at night, so the kids might not appreciate me popping in for a cup of tea... Well they might, but their parents might not.
So I phoned before I left and arranged to pop in for half hour for a cup of tea. I made sure I got the kids all worked up before I left, just in time for my sister and her bf to try and watch the Grand Prix ;-). My sister of course spotted my half chipped off nail polish (I'd put it on for the party but hadn't any remove to take it off) and commented on it and pointed it out to her bf. I had to laugh, she asked if there was something I needed to tell her and that she was going to tell my mum. I just told her it was a fancy dress party and she was just jealous as she didn't get out enough and I was making up for lost time...
I know, shocking. I should have touched up my polish before I went home!
So I phoned before I left and arranged to pop in for half hour for a cup of tea. I made sure I got the kids all worked up before I left, just in time for my sister and her bf to try and watch the Grand Prix ;-). My sister of course spotted my half chipped off nail polish (I'd put it on for the party but hadn't any remove to take it off) and commented on it and pointed it out to her bf. I had to laugh, she asked if there was something I needed to tell her and that she was going to tell my mum. I just told her it was a fancy dress party and she was just jealous as she didn't get out enough and I was making up for lost time...
I know, shocking. I should have touched up my polish before I went home!
Yawn
I don't know why but this week I have been really exhausted after work and generally tired all the time. I've got in and by 7pm I've been wiped out and not wanted to do anything I'm hoping the long easter weekend will break me out of this weariness and apathy. Maybe its empty house syndrome again, now that I don't *have* to do anything after work. Dunno but its annoying.
Money money money
Swiftly (and I mean very swiftly!) moving on I'm pretty pleased with myself. I tend to avoid looking too closely at my finances. If no one is knocking on my door demanding things that's pretty good. I know I am not getting a payrise this year though so for once I did sit down and go through my bank statements and credit card statements to see what I could rationalise. By killing a magazine subscription here, an uneconomic life insurance policy there, a few other things and finally by not taking an upgrade on my cellphone but dropping it to a "SIM only" tarriff and lowering the minutes I've managed to scrape back about 65 pound a month. Pretty chuffed with that!
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