Another little nudge

A sleepless night and one of those where thoughts were jumbled and unpleasent. To be honest, I've avoided writing when I've had lower times. I mean I've said it all before. Hell I don't want to hear about it so no one else wants to find it by accident when they are eating their cornflakes. Maybe in some ways I don't want to remind myself about it so I can forget about it. So, into a habit of thinking ok I won't write about that, I won't write about that. More self-censorship. Mainly based on thinking "oh no not again" and that feeling of not getting anywhere, even if it's not true. Possibly because it feels like I only come here to whine.

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we think and say things to ourselves which we would never say to anyone else. I know I've said that to others before... "but you would never say that about anyone else... you would never tell anyone else that, so why do you say it to yourself?". Of course half the time the thoughts are incoherrent, incomplete, more just impressions or things half said. Irrational. Just enough with a little spite to bite home.

So what's kicked it off this time? Well, the first is the usual thing I've avoided whining about. Work. Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere... There is a reorganisation at work and whilst jobs are safe, I am not getting warm feelings about how this is going. Whilst it makes sense on paper, with the politics and personalities involved I can see a certain political... shunting of responsibilities from some of the teams we have at work. The ones which like saying "that's not our responsibility". So if not handled by strong management I can see more trivial and certain out of hours work being shifted back into our team. Of course it may mean there is levels of responsibility too... so it may still be a good thing, but we will see. Our manager has mysteriously chosen this time to move to a different role in the company. A role where he will be directly interfacing between the projects and us. A role which needs strong leadership, organisational skills, backbone... He went on holiday yesterday and the first thing we find in an email when we get to work? An email from one of the projects he has been dealing with in his current role "wanting to discuss our plans and milestones as the customer is concerned about the bottleneck we are causing". Hmmm. So he has been dealing with this project for a month or two, he goes on holiday and the first thing we get is this? Why do I have a sinking feeling? That really pissed me off and set a bad tone for the day. Sad really as the day before was so productive. So more time wasted from working and back to talking about work.

The second was the major thing which unsettled me yesterday and still has me unsettled. I had left a message on the answerphone of the local GP's counsellor last Thursday and she rang me back about lunchtime. I was busy and distracted and not expecting it so I rambled incoherently 'cos I wasn't prepared and didn't know what to say. I should have just said I'd like to make an appointment and asked how much it cost, but I guess I felt I had to try and justify why I was calling, that I wasn't wasting her time, etc, and I rambled horribly. I keep hearing flashes of what I said and cringing. Thinking of an off-hand comment she made. I know this is going to be niggling at me now until Tuesday when I have the appointment. Will I freeze up? What will I say? What will she think (yes, I know, I am paying her, it doesn't matter what she thinks but... it does). I can feel that very familiar pressure in the sides of my head, back of my neck and my shoulders tensing up. A dozen more thoughts flashing around. I know this is something I need to do again. I know it helped last time and I didn't need much. I know there are things I need to deal with again this time. Especially self-esteem (ummm do you think all I just wrote above shows that?), how I deal with stress, how I deal with anxiety and social situations. I know this is something i need to do. Her comment about anti-depressents being of no purpose without change (as I said I wanted to get off them at some point and knew there were things I had to change how I reacted). I know she meant it in a generic way, but of course me being me I have to implicitly start to criticise myself about not having changed.... when I know I have. It's like an internal battle, and that's the battle I have been having overnight.

The final thing of the day. A discussion with a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. It left me feeling kind of sad. Icky. A friend that meant a lot to me but I am no longer close to. Some of the things she said, because she was actually talking to me for once... left me feeling a little used, stupid. None of the things were nasty. We just chatted, but the benefit of hindsight, just how far I ran to stay as her friend, how much I bent over.... it doesn't exactly leave me a good taste in my mouth as to the kind of person I am and the lengths I will go to in order to be liked. It doesn't leave me with a great deal of trust for myself, my motivations, how honest I am with myself.

But, this is why I've made an appointment to see a counsellor, isn't it? Because these old issues are coming up again and can't be hidden or avoided, so I want to work through them and find ways to deal with them instead. So, it will be ok. It's never going to be easy, and it's all going to be my work to do it, but... time for another little nudge in the right direction so I don't stop myself doing the things I want to do.