to you.

Sometimes I don't realise how lucky I am til after.

I'm blessed with great friends who love me for reasons I don't understand. Can't understand. The weirdest thing is, the more I freak at times and panic the more they seem to love me anyway. OK, so a lot of them I may not have held in my arms but... friends they are neverless. I am grafeul

So today I was stressing, work, tonight, other stuff. A rushed day, two changes to make at work on production systems, chasing down the approvals through the change process, knowing I had to leave early, trying to fit it all in. I know I was quiet over coffee this morning (someone commented on it), uptight. I reacted badly and defensively to things and people, knowing I was doing it yet not really knowing how to stop. I know M saw it, it always worries her... but then we jabber enough that she can spot the difference in me, even if I don't say. Its hard to speak out when you feel uptight though, close off. I end up comparing myself against others and looking for the bits I fail.

Then there is you. *takes a deep breath* there is you. The one I didn't run from, the one I can't run from. I am yours. I knew that, of course, even if it's still sinking in exactly what it means Ma`am. I guess today I just saw a different side of what that means. You were working, and I knew you were busy, but... I had to tell you what was on my mind, the thing worrying me even though it was private and slightly embarrasing, the thing confusing me, the silly fears of the situation I found myself in. Things which I might normally get worried telling someone, or be too uptight to - worried what they would think of me.

It's not I wanted you to tell me what to do, it's not I wanted your attention or sympathy. It's not I wanted a comment back at all. It's just something I have to do... I know you want all of me, what I see as good and as bad. Its like there is no off switch around you, no censorship. I want you to know all I am feeling, whether its happy puppy skippy or tired and weary or plain scared as you want it all. You need say nothing. Do no more than smile and take what I am. You know I will sort it out for myself. You expect me to. So I placed those things there at your feet. You were so sweet, about that thing I'd said before... Oh my heart just stopped for a moment when you mentioned it, that you'd thought about that and had been concerned enough that it had been bothering me to mention it. It hadn't *smile* I know where we stand and how things are and its just... perfect. I've not questioned it once since you made me yours Ma`am, strange as that is for me.

It's... an amazing feeling. It feels so vulnerable and yet so safe. Stripped naked and exposed, every little bit of me, those I am proud of and those I'm not. The things I barely even let myself think. The things I couldn't even face thinking around others when I was so uptight.

I adore you Ma`am.

kitty xxx